Walkaway Joe - The End

By Whitney

Chapter 38

I wish I could break all the chains holding me.

When they walked out of their building the media was everywhere and Haley had the overwhelming urge to run back inside and hide under the covers, but she didn’t, she stayed strong and ignored them, talking idly with Brooke who was beside her. She could hear them calling out to her, asking if she was doing better since the loss of the baby, her baby. She wanted to scream at them and tell them they could go to hell and it was none of their business, but she knew she had to stay calm.

“Mrs. Scott!” One overly eager reporter jumped out in front of her, and she froze unable to move or a say a word, it was easier ignoring them in crowds, she wasn’t used to brushing off people face to face. “Are you and Nathan planning on having more children Haley?”

“Hey buddy, you better back the hell off!” Brooke shoved him away sending him the most evil glare Haley had ever seen her life. It seemed to frighten the life out of the guy as well, because he immediately backed off and shuffled into the crowd. Haley sent Brooke a grateful smile before they were ushered into the car Nathan had pulled around.

They got to the airport in record time. Nathan dropped her and Brooke off up front and went to park the car. She knew he was just trying to give me some room and she appreciated him for it. Still she could see he didn’t understand why she needed space, and she just didn’t have the energy to explain it to him.

“I’m sure Jake will be glad to have you home and safe.” Haley smiled across at Brooke as they waited at her gate. Haley’s eyes trailed down to Brooke’s bulging stomach which only seemed to get bigger and bigger by the day. Haley reached out to touch her belly and let her hand linger.

“I’m getting so fat.” Brooke laughed and Haley rolled her eyes. It was such a Brooke comment, she’d even make fun of herself to make Haley feel better. Haley patted her tummy softly before pulling away again.

“Yet, you’re still beautiful. I think she agrees with you.”

“She?” Brooke questioned suspiciously, and Haley just nodded with a small smile. “So you’re gonna have a little God-daughter-” Brooke recoiled, “I mean if you still want to, I wasn’t thinking-”

“Brooke,” Haley stilled her, “it would make me really happy to be a part of your kids life…really happy.” Haley repeated, and Brooke’s eyes watered up with tears, as she pulled Haley into her arms for a hug.

“God these damn hormones are killing me. I was seriously going to kill that reporter earlier-”

“I was kinda hoping you would.” Haley joked and then they quieted down again. Haley had learned from Tim that Brooke had been there with Nathan when the doctor had told him about the baby, and as scared as she was to ask, she had to know.

“Brooke,” she began softly and Brooke’s eyes settled on hers again, “Tim said you were with Nathan when he found out about the baby…” Haley’s voice dropped off as the words left her mouth. It was still so hard for her to talk about the child she’d lost up on that mountain.

“Yeah,” Brooke nodded the memory obviously stirring up bad feelings inside her. That night had been a nightmare for everyone, and Brooke had seen the worst of it. “I found him in the waiting room…I’d uh- I’d never seen Nathan Scott so scared in my life.”

Haley nodded and she knew it was true. She didn’t doubt that Nathan loved her, he had proved it to her so many times before, most recently by marrying her. She couldn’t believe they were actually married, it was still such a novelty to her. Haley stayed silent and Brooke took a breath ready to continue.

“It was really bad…” Brooke trailed off and Haley could tell she didn’t want to relive the event. But Haley needed to know, she had to know what happened in that waiting room, because she realized it was the only thing that could bring her any kind of peace. “We prayed for you, can you believe it, me and Nathan going all Godly- I bet you would have gotten a kick out of it…”

“Brooke please.” Haley urged her forward. And Brooke finally brought her eyes up from the ground to face Haley head on again. Haley had never seen Brooke more haunted or sad, and it scared her.

“When the doctor came in,” Brooke grappled with her emotions trying to keep herself from crying, the whole night was still so raw in her memory, “I think all the air just swooshed out of the room-” Brooke took another deep breath and pulled Haley’s hand into her own for strength. “- this man, this man we didn’t even know was going to decide the rest of Nathan’s life. He told us that you were going to be okay, that the surgery went well- it was like we could breathe again…” Brooke’s voice wavered and she tried to contain the sob building in her throat, “and then he told us about you losing the baby,” Brooke couldn’t help the tears that rolled down her cheeks, “it was like something had died- and I guess that fits because your baby had died, and we didn’t know until that moment, but we felt it- it suffocated us…Nathan just fell to the floor, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t even speak, he just sat there this broken person…I tried to help him Haley, I did,” Brooke promised, “but he was just destroyed, and he was so worried about telling you about doing the same thing to you that that doctor had done to him.”

Haley closed her eyes to ward off the onslaught of tears she could feel brewing inside of her, for all she knew there was a photog around the corner ready and waiting to get the money shot of the new Mrs. Scott sobbing over her lost baby. But she couldn’t hold it in any longer, she could picture Nathan in her head, broken and alone, just as alone as she’d felt. And she’d made it worse, she’d made it worse on both of them pushing him away. She leaned in impulsively and pulled Brooke into a hug.

“Thank You.” She whispered gratefully into her hair, and Brooke squeezed her tighter.

“I’m just so sorry,” Brooke admitted, “it shouldn’t have happened to you Haley, you would have been the best mom ever.” They pulled back and Haley smiled at the compliment, “I mean me,” Brooke continued to babble, “this kid is lucky to have Jake, because if not I know I would royally screw it up.”

“That,” Haley shook her head, “is completely untrue. You Brooke Davis will be the coolest mom on the block, and me and Peyton will be the coolest aunts- this kid is going to be a little vixen, she’s going to get her fashion sense from you, her music sense from Peyton, and I promise you she will be the smartest kid in school, she’ll know her grammar like the back of her hand-”

“So you still think it’s a girl, huh?” Brooke laughed, and Haley nodded her head profusely, the moment settled over them with silence, and Brooke wasn’t sure what was going through Haley’s head.

“I think I would have had a boy,” Haley voice was soft and Brooke could barely make out her words as someone came on over the airport speaker. “Wouldn’t that have been cute, your little girl, my little boy, growing up together, best friends…family.”

“I would have loved that.” Brooke admitted.

Haley smiled wistfully the vision obviously swirling around in her head, “Me too.”

~*~

Peyton rushed around her apartment shoving clothes into any place she could find to hide them, as she tried to find one shirt that was clean and didn’t have paint dotted all over it. It felt like forever since she’d been home and you could tell, there week old dishes in the sink, some odd smell was coming from the washer, she didn’t even want to think about what that meant, she had enough to worry about with Lucas’s impending arrival.

A few seconds after she finally through on one of Brooke’s tops she’d loaned her and a black skirt she’d found in the back of the closet, she opened the door to find a scruffy looking Lucas on the other side. She was immediately disappointed that he didn’t care enough to put time into his appearance, she had at least tried.

“Hi.” He smiled across at her and waited for her to let him in. After a moment passed she reluctantly pulled the door back letting him come inside. He found a spot on the sofa, while she poured some stale cheez-its in a bowl and filled her one and only clean cup with the last remnants of non-fizz coke.

“Sorry this place is a mess, I haven’t exactly been home lately.”

“Understandable.” Luke smiled and motioned for Peyton to come and take a seat beside him, she finally did offering him the nasty orange cubes she’d laid out for them.

“Not exactly cuisine, but it’s all I have.”

“I’m not hungry.” He brushed if off and turned back to face her. He nervously reached out to clasp her hands and bring her attention to him fully. He could see she was scared and he didn’t blame her. They’d done this so many times before, gotten this close and then one or both of them pulled back sending them into another tailspin, where everything hurt and nothing felt right. He was tired of feeling empty and he knew she was the only one who could fill the void.

“Oh.” Peyton nodded and shifted uncomfortably. She hadn’t felt this close to Lucas in a long time. Everything just seemed so bare between them, there were no more girlfriends to hide behind and that was terrifying.

“Peyton we need to talk.”

“We do?” She tried playing dumb hoping he would stop before he started and they could pretend it wasn’t happening, that he wasn’t giving her the friend speech again. She hated that speech, she hated the pity in his voice, how sad he looked. She knew he loved her, but she also knew he just didn’t have the guts to admit to his real feelings, not when he obviously didn’t trust her.

“When you were lost on that mountain- I was so scared Peyt, I kept thinking about all the chances I’d had to tell you the truth, to tell you that I loved you, that I’ve loved you since the first day I met you, that no matter how hard I tried through all of these years that never changed. And when they called me and told me they’d found you and you were in the hospital it was like my heart just stopped, for a minute I thought I’d lost you and I didn’t know what to do with myself-”

“Lucas-” Peyton tried to stop him completely confused and just as freaked out. He was saying all the things she’d wanted to hear for so long that it almost felt like a dream, one she was terrified she would wake up from.

“Let me say this okay- God I’ve wanted to say this for so long.” Peyton nodded and Lucas continued, feeling more emboldened as he went, “when I went into that room and saw you laying there- I was so scared, and at the same time so relieved because I could see you were breathing, and I realized that I had another chance, that we had another chance-”

“We’ve had a million chances, Lucas,” Peyton shook her head trying to fend off the onslaught of emotion that was taking her over, “and it never worked out.”

“This time is different.” Lucas assured and brought her hands up to cup Peyton’s face and pulling her to face him.

“Why?” Peyton questioned, her heart constricting in fear as the words left her lips. She wanted so badly to believe him, to trust in him. But then that was their main issue, trust. They never mastered that part of the relationship, and it seemed almost impossible to her now after everything they had been through.

“Because I love you, and you love me, and everything else, everything else we put between us doesn’t matter. I’m never gonna leave you Peyton, I promised you that a long time ago and I know I’ve let you down before, but I won’t this time. I want to be with you, I want to wake up with you in the morning, I want to go to bed with you at night…tell me you don’t want the same thing?”

Brooke’s words echoed in Peyton’s mind, she could run right now, she could kick him out and never look back. But it would be a lie, denying him and her own needs who wreck her more than anything at that point. She didn’t deny him, instead she leaned in pressing her lips softly against his and letting them linger there.

“I love you.” She whispered against his mouth, and he pulled back smiling at her before, urging her in for a more passionate kiss. His lips grazed over her chin, and lingered on certain spots as they trailed down her neck. She giggled as his ministrations took her over, and complied by letting herself fall back against the sofa and pulling him down on top of her.

He pulled back for a minute to face her eye to eye, they shared a silent moment, a moment they’d been waiting for, for years, and then he leaned down dropping a soft kiss on her nose.

“I’ve been waiting for this my whole life.” She admitted in a whisper, as she let out a huge sigh of relief. For once she felt complete, she felt happy, and she didn’t want to run anymore.

“Yeah,” he agreed, “so have I.”

Chapter 39

seen a rainbow yesterday, but too many storms have come and gone.

Haley followed Nathan into their penthouse and shut the door behind her, as he turned on a few lamps. She let her eyes roam around the place and cringed, it really needed to be cleaned, they’d hired someone to do it once, but Nathan was paranoid having in anyone in their “personal space” so he’d fired her. Haley tried to shake the memory off and refocus on what she knew she had to do.

After talking with Brooke she knew she had to actually sit down and talk with Nathan. It wasn’t fair to him for her to go on acting the way she was, at least not without some explanation. She really didn’t know how long it would take her to feel herself again, she didn’t know if a time would come when she ever would. But she had to stop blaming Nathan.

“Do you have to be anywhere?” She asked, and he twisted around to face her, while he continued to load the dishwasher. She almost laughed out loud at the sight of Nathan cleaning, he usually left stuff like that to her. She didn’t really mind it much, after years and years of living with him, she’d come to accept he wasn’t Mr. Clean.

“Not that I know of.” He returned in a neutral tone and went back to strategically placing the dishes in the washer, she was surprised he was doing it so well, but then Nathan was usually good with logistical stuff, she on the other hand sometimes lacked common sense. He’d made fun of her a lot over the years for her blunders, she’s sure neither of them will ever forget the time she stuck leftovers in the microwave which still had the foil on it nearly setting fire to the kitchen. She learned her lesson after that.

“Good,” Haley let out a long breath of air, “because I think we should talk.”

He turned away from the dishes finally and washed his hands off quickly before walking back into the living room and standing a few feet away from her. She hated the distance the hung between them, but she knew she’d placed it there. It was just so hard for her to be near him now, she felt like he expected something of her she couldn’t give. He expected her to be his wife, he expected her to be the way she was before, and she didn’t know how to go back.

“Okay.” He agreed and dropped down onto the couch next to her. She took a deep breath before situating herself beside him. She hated how formal things felt between them now, God she hated so much about how things were turning out for them.

“I talked to Brooke at the airport…” Haley bit her lip and tried to push down the guilty feeling that was once again washing over her. “She told me about how you found out- about how hard it was…” her breathing started to become labored as tears stung at her eyes, she wanted to get through the whole speech she’d come up with in her head because she knew he needed to hear it. “and I just- I want you to know how sorry I am that I wasn’t there for you.-”

“Haley, don’t.-” He tried to stop her confession, but she shook her head as freshly fallen tears fell down her cheeks and he stopped talking again.

“The thing is Nathan, I know how wrong it is to push you away- I don’t even want to,” she promised, as she tried to control her voice a little better, it was beginning to crack more and more as she continued to speak, “but I don’t know how to stop.” She bowed her head in shame, and he came towards her to pull her into his arms, she almost let him, but something inside of her stopped her and she pulled away again. She looked back up to see his eyes awash with hurt, “I’m so, so sorry.” She repeated it over and over again as more and more tears fell from her eyes. He just sat before her motionless, a complete void. She realized she’d done that to him.

“I’m gonna go for a run, to uh- I need to clear my head. I’ll take my cell with me in case you need anything…” Nathan began towards their bedroom to change, Haley found her voice again and called out to him, she didn’t know what she wanted to say, but she didn’t want him to leave it like this.

“Nathan!”

He turned back to her slowly, “Yeah?”

“Maybe I could go with you…it would be nice to get out…Nathan?” She asked her eyes wide with hope. She knew it was a lot to ask, all she did now was reject him, it would have served her right if he’d done the same to her.

“Sure. We can go out the back way, maybe the press won’t find us.”

“Wishful thinking.” She said sadly and walked past him into their bedroom grabbing her running clothes and taking them with her into the bathroom so she could change.

Nathan took a deep breath and tried to steel himself. He felt like all he ever did was get smacked in the face by her lately, nothing he said seemed to help, he tried to give her space and it seemed to make her sad, he tried to get closer to her and she pushed him away. He knew he had to be patient with her, he knew he’d probably have to wait for a long time for things to take on even a semblance of normal. But it felt like it was getting harder, every time he saw her in pain he wanted to kiss it away like he always had before, and he had to remind himself that wasn’t an option this time, because she didn’t even want him touching her anymore.

Haley came out of the bathroom and few minutes later and he smiled at her trying to reassure her, he knew she was feeling nervous, he could see it in her eyes. He winced when he saw the bruises that still marred her body and were uncovered by her current clothing. He wished he could go back in time, stopped her from leaving the house that day, if he had, she would never have gotten into the wreck, they never would have lost their baby, and right now they would have been the happiest they’d ever been.

They headed for the door when suddenly there was a knock on the other side. Haley took a step back, and Nathan could tell she was worried some of the paparazzi had made it into the building and were now prepared to hound them from their doorstep. Nathan didn’t know what to expect, so he braced himself when he opened the door.

It was Lucas and Peyton. Together. Holding hands. Nathan stared at them in shock for a moment before stepping back and leaving the door wide open for them to come in. He didn’t even want to guess what was going on between them, one look at Haley told him she didn’t have a clue either.

“Hi?” Haley greeted them suspiciously and her eyes kept drifting to their entwined hands. She’d been through so much drama with the two of them she really didn’t know what to think about the…hand-holding.

“You guys going out?” Peyton stated the obvious as she and Luke finally dropped their grips on each other and walked further into the apartment. Lucas shut the door between them and as per usual Nathan and Lucas exchanged a head nod. Haley and Peyton both rolled their eyes at the gesture and the guys remained oblivious.

“We were,” Nathan answered briskly, “what’s up?”

“We kind of have news…” Peyton trailed off as she looked up at Lucas who stood behind her. Haley had never seen either of them seem so dopey in love, they actually seemed happy for once. She couldn’t believe the broodiest, moodiest two people she’d ever met in her life, seemed practically euphoric standing in front of her in her living room.

“Looks like it.” Haley half-smiled, but she was uncomfortable and she didn’t know why. She wanted Lucas and Peyton happy, especially if they could find that happiness together, it would be like it was before. Things were getting back to normal for Lucas and Peyton.

“We got back together.” Luke announced proudly and placed his hands firmly on Peyton’s shoulder pulling her body back against his own. Haley could tell they were in the honeymoon stage, where any large amount of time where they were in contact with one another was the end of the world.

“Wow, congratulations.” Nathan spoke up when he realized Haley wasn’t going to, and patted Lucas on the back before going in for a quick hug with Peyton. When he’d finished, Peyton and Lucas turned to Haley for a reaction.

“Hales?” Lucas questioned her expectantly and she realized she hadn’t said a word since their announcement.

“I’m really happy for you guys.” She finally spoke up sincerely, and leaned in to give them both hugs. When she pulled back from Peyton their eyes locked, and Haley could tell she was worried. She didn’t want Peyton to worry, not now when she was supposed to be at her happiest and most carefree, before things got murky between them like they had between her and Nathan. It was all part of the relationship cycle, if you were strong enough you just kept on surviving that end stage.

“Yeah?” Peyton asked, and Haley nodded pulling her into another hug, this one more comfortable and assuring. “So where are you guys going?” Peyton asked as she pulled Lucas along with her and flopped down onto her favorite armchair, the one she’d gone with Haley to pick out when Nathan had first bought the place.

“For a run,” Haley explained shortly but blew it off and positioned herself on the couch so she could get more details. “So how did this come about? I mean I’m so thrilled for you- trust me I am,” Peyton and Haley shared a laugh, “but I’m also so curious.”

Peyton smiled, “Well, I guess it’s just been building,” she turned to Lucas and he just smiled back at her, “I mean you know I’ve always wanted this, and Lucas did too, before it just wasn’t the right time, and I guess now is…the right time.”

“I guess it took almost losing her to realize what I wanted.” Lucas admitted, and Haley almost rolled her eyes at how goofy they were acting, it was just so unnatural on them. But she meant it when she said she was happy for them, it was about time they got it right, because she wasn’t sure she could survive all of their relationship turmoil’s along with her own, she just couldn’t.

“That’s really great man.” Nathan added in genuinely, and Haley turned to find him still lingering in the doorway, Peyton and Lucas saw the same thing and could tell he wanted to get out of there soon, which meant them leaving.

“Well we were gonna see if you guys wanted to go to dinner, but since you’re obviously busy, we’ll leave you to it-”

“Oh Luke, we-” Haley began to protest, but Peyton stopped her.

“You’re busy, which is cool because we’ve all probably had enough togetherness for a while, so we,” Peyton motioned to her and Luke, “are going to leave you guys alone,” Peyton leaned in giving Haley another hug, “and I will call you later and we can talk more, kay?”

“Sure.” Haley nodded agreeably and Lucas and Peyton made their way back out leaving her and Nathan alone again. Haley sent him a plastic smile before walking towards him at the door to go for their run. Suddenly a loud burst of thunder reverberated through the apartment stopping them in their tracks. Nathan walked over to the window and looked out for a second before turning back to Haley.

“It’s raining, probably gonna storm soon.” He explained, and she just nodded. He walked past her back to his weight room leaving her alone out in the living room. She walked over to the window, stopping in the same place Nathan had been standing before to watch the rain fall down outside. She wondered when it would stop…if it ever would.

~*~

Three Months Later

Haley ran her eyes over the copy her work had sent over and continued to read over the last sentence again and again. Her mind was filled with so many things she just couldn’t concentrate. She could never concentrate anymore, and it had affected all places of her life. She and Nathan barely talked anymore, and when they did it was about menial things, like having the electrician come to fix some wiring problems, or calling the cable company about getting better service, they never talked about anything real.

Nathan had taken up permanent residence in the guest room. In the beginning she’d walk by his room every night, and attempt to muster up the courage to knock, but after a few weeks she didn’t even force herself to do that. It just became easier to ignore things, to pretend like how they lived was okay. He pretended too, he didn’t try and get through to her anymore, he didn’t even try to touch her and for that she was grateful. She hated pulling away from him, she hated the look that came into his eyes, but it didn’t feel the same to her anymore, it was unnatural.

She’d fallen off with a lot of things in her life, she rarely talked to Jake or Brooke, although she knew from Peyton that Brooke and the baby were doing well and she thanked God for that. It was just too painful to talk to Brooke now, it just seemed to remind her of what she lost and she thought about it enough without any reminders. At first she’d tried to bury herself in her work, but it hadn’t panned out, and she was sure her boss was growing tired of her mindlessness. She just wasn’t the same person and it showed in everything she did. The one relationship she had kept up with was Peyton, which she was sure was the only reason she was sane anymore.

Peyton didn’t expect anything from her, there were never any expectations in her eyes and Haley needed that. As sad as it made her Lucas seemed to think she should just pop back as well, every time he saw her she could tell he was looking for the “old Haley”, she didn’t have the heart to tell him that girl no longer existed. Peyton didn’t look for “old Haley” she just took her the way she was. But her grief was even taking a toll on that relationship. She didn’t know what to do anymore, it felt like everything was just falling away, and she couldn’t stop it.

“Hey, you so need to go grocery shopping.” Peyton complained as she dropped down in a nearby chair by Haley who was still staring at her lap top.

“Yeah, I know.” Haley answered distractedly, and Peyton could tell things were weighing on her more than usual. Haley usually didn’t like for it to be brought up though, so for the millionth time Peyton ignored her obvious problems and forged on like things were normal. “So Lucas is taking me to this new Mexican restaurant a few blocks down and I figured since Nathan had the benefit thing you might like to go- unless you’re going to the benefit?”

“Uh-no.” Haley shook her head and continued to stare at her flashing screen. Peyton was starting to get worried, but she tried not to show it, it would only shut Haley down, that much she knew.

“No to the Mexican or no to the benefit, because if it’s not to the Mexican I totally under-”

“Peyton!” Haley cut Peyton off mid-babble and Peyton shut her mouth surprised at Haley’s outburst, she rarely ever showed any kind of emotion anymore, she usually just blinked or nodded her head. It was depressing.

“What?” Peyton screeched back caught by surprise.

“I’m going to leave Nathan.” Haley’s heart fell as the words left her mouth. She’d been thinking about it for the past month when she’d realized nothing was getting better and she wasn’t even trying anymore. It was unfair to him, and it was killing her. But she’d been scared to make the move, another big change just terrified her.

“What?” Peyton’s eyes grew even wider, and her face showed even more shock. Haley just nodded solemnly, she couldn’t say it again. It was way too hard the first time, she’d never imagined when they’d gotten married that they would ever be apart again, she thought they would be forever. But she hadn’t counted on losing their baby, she hadn’t foreseen any of the mess that had been dumped on them.

“I have to,” Haley began to explain as she lifted from her desk chair, and paced around the room. “I just can’t stay here anymore Peyton, we’re not even in a marriage, we were married for a day, and then this thing just came between us and it won’t go away, it isn’t going away-”

“You have to give it time Haley,” Peyton spoke in a panic, she’d given Haley her space for long enough, now she was about to make the biggest mistake of her life and Peyton felt the need to stop her. “things aren’t good right now because you’re both in pain, but with time-”

“I gave it time Peyton!” Haley blew exhausted, but Peyton was raring to go.

“Well, then you have to talk to him, you have to tell him what he’s doing wrong, he loves you Haley, he’ll fix it. I know you hate him being away all the time, but-”

“I don’t,” Haley whispered softly her eyes stapled to the floor she was standing on. Peyton finally went quiet and Haley lifted her face to meet Peyton’s, “I don’t care that he’s not here anymore…I like it. I don’t have to worry if what I say or what I’m feeling is going to hurt him, I don’t have to pretend I’m okay when he isn’t around-”

“Haley…I…” Peyton couldn’t think of anything to say.

“I’ve thought about this, and I have to leave him. Me staying here and us pretending isn’t going to fix anything, right now I don’t know if anything can fix us, but I know that I need to be alone-”

“You love him though, don’t you?” Peyton asked completely perplexed and feeling her friends misery as if it were a tangible thing.

“Yeah,” Haley nodded sadly, “but it’s not the same anymore.”

“Do you want to come stay with me and Lucas, you know you can-”

“No,” Haley shook her head, “you guys just moved in together, I think three would be a crowd-”

“Haley after all the nights you let me crash here, three would not be a crowd, you’re welcome there and I know Luke would agree-”

“I need to be alone Peyt…at least for a while, I need to be alone.” Peyton nodded, and grabbed for her things to leave.

“I want you to call me after you tell him, okay, and tell me where you are and make me believe you’re okay, or I’m going to-”

“I will, I promise.” Haley assured, and Peyton nodded quickly before leaving.

~*~

Haley was glad Peyton left when she did, because she wanted to be alone with Nathan when he got home. She still wasn’t sure how she was going to tell him, she was dreading his response though. She knew he would either freak out on her, get angry and finally boil over like she knew he wanted to, or he would help her with her bags. Both would break her heart, but she had to do it, she had to force herself to do this.

“Hey.” Nathan greeted her suspiciously as he came into the guest room to find her sitting on his bed, just staring at the walls blankly. It had been a long time since she’d come to him, which made him feel very uneasy about her presence there now.

“Hi.” She returned meekly, and she didn’t even bother with the plastic smile she usually showed him when they spoke. He was grateful for that, it was hard seeing her faking it all the time.

“Haley…” He said her name, but nothing else came out. He didn’t know what she wanted from him, he never did anymore. He came towards her slowly and took a reluctant seat beside her, and waited for her to recoil, she didn’t this time. Instead she stayed perfectly still, staring straight forward at the spot he once stood.

“I can’t be here anymore Nathan.” Her voice barely registered in his mind, but once it did, he immediately tensed up. It was what he’d been waiting for, what he’d expected for so long, but it still hurt to hear her say it. Things weren’t just bad between them, they were non-existent. He knew something had to change, and like always she was the one taking the initiative.

She took a breath and continued, “I know you must be really angry at me right now, but I-”

“I’m not angry.” He spoke up and focused his eyes on the same blank spot she was looking at. All he saw was air, he wondered for a moment what she saw and why they didn’t see the same thing anymore, but his thoughts faded away as she began to speak again.

“Why not? I’m furious- I am so mad that this has happened, that this happened to us-”

“We did this to us.” He stated very calmly and turned beside her so he could see her face. She was still just staring at the air. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he couldn’t keep pretending anymore, he’d been doing it for so long, it was suffocating him. “People survive terrible things Haley, they push through and come out okay…we couldn’t, maybe we didn’t want to-”

“You mean I didn’t want to?” She accused and finally turned her face, locking their eyes in a stand off.

“You couldn’t…I didn’t want to see that before, I was okay with pretending, but I know we can’t do that now, I see that. And I don’t blame you okay, I don’t.”

Her face began to crumple with emotion and tears trickled down her cheeks, it was the first time she’d cried in so long. He just kept looking at her, staring at her, accepting what she was saying. And she wanted him to grab her and shake her until she was normal again, until she didn’t feel like a train wreck.

“I do!” She screamed out finally, and all of the control she had fought so hard for since that day on the mountain crumbled, she was losing it all at once. She was feeling it again, she was crying for their baby, for their marriage, for her own happiness that just seemed to vanish all at once. “I blame me, because you’re right! There were so many times I could have reached out to you Nathan, so many times I wanted to- but I just couldn’t!” She blew out and gritted her teeth together so hard she thought her jaw might break. But she had never hated herself more than in that minute.

“I know.” He was still calm. It was almost ironic, he was supposed to be the volatile one, the one that screamed, and broke things and fell apart, she was supposed to be the rock. But she’d broken, she’d been broken for a long time.

“I don’t want you to accept this Nathan!” She raged at him, and flew to her feet looming over him as she continued on her tirade. He still didn’t move, he didn’t do anything, just sat there. “I want you to fight for us, because I can’t. I want you to fix me, because I don’t know how! I want to love you the way I did before and I want you to love me the same way! Why can’t it go back to normal? Just tell me, just help me…” she begged and her voice broke into sobs. She wrapped her arms around her stomach trying to hold herself up, but she was falling, she was falling and she couldn’t stop it.

“SAY SOMETHING!” She ordered, as her eyes found his again.

“Like what?” He finally came alive and stood up as well, coming towards her. She stepped back immediately and he stopped a vindicated look in his eyes. “I did fight for us Haley, but I got tired of fighting you. I did try to help you,” he roared his voice growing louder and louder with every word, “but YOU wouldn’t let me! I have been living in hell for the last three months, just praying that somehow things would end up okay, but I’m tired! I am so tired…I can’t anymore. So if you want to leave, I won’t stop you.”

Haley shook her head, anger boiling within her, “So this is what you want? You want to be free Nathan? FINE!” She screamed, and her voice sent the entire apartment into silence. She jerked around and headed for the door, he reached out grabbing her arm instinctively and pulling her back around. Their eyes locked, both furious with the other, and then it all shattered.

“I…” Nathan closed his eyes trying to get control of himself, but reopened them and faced her again when he realized it was a futile action. “I love you…but seeing you like this is killing me.”

“I’m so scared,” she sucked in her words broken by her dry sobs, she couldn’t even cry anymore. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“I don’t know what’s going to happen to us Haley,” he admitted slowly and loosened his grip on her arm, letting his hand trail down until his hand was interlocked with her own, their wedding rings in clear view. “But right now, we have to be apart- I know we won’t survive living together at this point, at least not for now. I think time apart would be good…I’ll move out.”

“No,” she shook her head quickly, “I- I don’t want to stay here. I’ll move out for a while, you keep this place-”

“Haley-”

“I’ll be safe, I promise okay, you can help me look for a place. We’ll just take it one step at a time…we’ll figure this out.” She said more to convince herself than him. She had to believe this was temporary, because even now the thought of not being with him for the rest of her life scared the hell out of her.

“Okay…” he pulled her into his arms, and she let her body fall against his, “we’ll be okay, Haley…I promise.”

“Yeah.” She whispered against his shirt. They would be. They had to be.

Chapter 40

No ocean can keep me away, my love.

Haley settled into her new apartment a week later, after Nathan had done a thorough inspection and concluded it was okay for her to live in it. If she wasn’t so miserable she would have found his protective behavior amusing. But she was miserable, sometimes it felt like she would stay that way for the rest of her life. She knew she was doing the right thing by getting away from Nathan, not only for herself but for Nathan as well. Her unhappiness was affecting his life, he never seemed to smile anymore, she knew from a slip up his agent had made that things hadn’t been going so well at practice and Nathan was getting diva-ish reputation for going off on a regular basis. She knew that that anger was for her, but Nathan was much too careful with her to ever inflict his true feelings upon her. Sometimes she just wished he would so she could go ahead and break finally.

She kept hitting that bottom rung, and she kept expecting something to happen, she expected her heart to just fall out of her chest or something. She expected to just shut down and die. But nothing that freeing ever came, all that came was more sadness, more pain, more tears, it seemed she had an endless supply. She didn’t just cry about the baby anymore, she cried over her failed marriage, she cried over the fact that she felt such a distance between her and all of her friends. And her family- she couldn’t even speak to them, she ducked out on all of her mothers calls and she had yet to open any of the letters her father had sent her, since as he’d told her on many occasions, he wasn’t at his best face to face.

She wondered if she was in hell, she figured the general definition of hell was living a life she hated and she did hate her own life. She’d basically flaked out on anything that ever meant anything to her, her work, Nathan, her friends, her family, it was all just fading away and she couldn’t push herself to reach out and stop it. She was in a place in her life she never thought she would be, a place she couldn’t even imagine in her other life.

She curled up on her new couch, and cringed with the material rubbed against her skin. It wasn’t as comfortable as the one she’d picked out with Brooke, it didn’t have the familiar smell of Nathan’s cologne and her shampoo combined. It smelled like the store she’d gotten in from some weird mix between cinnamon and Lysol, it provided her no comfort. She stared out at her blank TV screen and finally mustered up the resolve to turn it on flipping through all the horrible sitcoms that came on on Friday nights. She settled on a Seinfeld rerun and stretched out further on the couch burying her head in one of the throw pillows Nathan had insisted she buy. He reasoned she might need them, she thought they were frivolous but didn’t want a fight, so told the saleslady to ring them up.

People were laughing on down the hall, she could hear them cackling and banging around and having a merry old time. They’d slipped a flyer under her door earlier inviting her to the party they were throwing, but she’d slipped in the trash as soon as she’d received it. The more happy people she saw the bitterer she grew. She hated herself for it but she couldn’t help it.

The phone began to go off beside her and she picked it up to check the caller ID, it was Peyton, she contemplated letting it go to the machine, but at the last minute she clicked it on and let out a muffled hello, hoping Peyton would drag on too long and she could get back to her boring TV and her scratchy couch.

“You’re coming out with me tonight.” That was all Peyton said before hanging up on her. Haley tried to dial her back, but her cell was turned off and no one was answering at her apartment. Haley dejectedly rose from the couch and headed for her bedroom to change, she figured it would be easier to just go along with whatever Peyton had planned than to fight with her.

Thirty minutes later Peyton arrived on her doorstep, peppier than Haley had ever seen her. It irritated Haley on sight and she ignored her after she opened the door and let her in. Peyton didn’t seem to notice though because she dropped down beside Haley on the couch, throwing off the annoying throw pillows and turning to her a wide smile on her perfectly completed face.

“He won, if you care…” Peyton started out, and Haley just nodded. It had been Nathan’s first game of the season that night, she couldn’t remember who he’d played, but she’d had no doubt he’d won. Nathan didn’t lose, he never lost. She hadn’t watched though, she’d never really been into watching his games, not unless he’d asked her to, sometimes he did, most times he didn’t, so she waited for his animated play by play when he got home. It was always much more enthralling for her to hear him speak, than some stuffy announcer on TV. Sometimes he would pull out the game tape and show her and especially good play he was proud of, and she in turn was proud of him for. It had always been their ritual, but not today, not that night. “and we’re going to celebrate-”

“Okay.” Haley agreed lamely before Peyton could begin her whole spiel about how Haley needed to get out of the house. Haley knew it was unhealthy what she was doing, but when she was around other people it only seemed to make her more unhappy. She didn’t want to explain that to Peyton though so she headed for her door, grabbing her coat on the way. Peyton followed suit and once they’d passed the drunkards down the hall, they hit the big empty street, only littered with a few passing pedestrians that no more noticed Haley and Peyton than they noticed them.

A taxi cab later they ended up at one of the local hotel bars, that Haley was sure the team was celebrating at, Peyton could be so predictable sometimes. Lucas was waiting for them on the corner making small talk with the doorman. Peyton greeted him with a kiss, and then he turned to Haley a guilty smile on his lips. She ignored him completely and instead greeted the doorman who she’d met on several occasions before.

“Hello, miss Haley.” He smiled at her kindly and she returned the gesture.

“Hi, Sam.” As she passed him, she felt him give her a small pat on the back and for the first time that day, something felt familiar, something gave her comfort. It passed as quickly as it came though as she made her way in to find the bar full of loud players and fans drinking and toasting the night away.

“Don’t hate me, okay.” Peyton leaned in whispering into Haley’s ear and laying her head down pathetically on Haley’s shoulder. Haley turned to her a fake smile plastered all over her lips as she anticipated the photogs wandering around trying to get something juicy for their headlines the next day.

“I need a drink.” She stated simply before Lucas reappeared having discarded of their coats and things at a nearby table. He led them along behind him, but Haley detoured off to hit the bar.

“Martini.” She called out and the bartender served her within seconds. She let her eyes drift around the bar to find Nathan, but didn’t seem him anywhere. Maybe he’d gone home early, sometimes he has just as an adverse reaction to the scene played out before her, as she did.

“This place is insane tonight,” Peyton began speaking as she sipped on the beer Lucas had set down in front of her, “you would think they’d never won a game before.”

“New season.” Lucas smiled as he took it all in. Haley could tell he was content to be just where he was, soaking in all the glory of the night, with Peyton right beside him. The tension ceased to flow in her body for a minute as she thought about them, about all the obstacles they’d overcome to be at the place they were. She wondered if she and Nathan would be that lucky. Before she could ponder it further she felt a heavy hand on her shoulder and she jerked around to find Brian standing before her with his wife beside him.

“Haley, we didn’t expect to see you here…” He seemed to be waiting for a response but she offered none so he continued, oblivious to the obvious glare she was shooting his way. “Nathan’s about to give an interview it would be great if you could get in on some shots with him, the public loves a happy couple.”

Haley rolled her eyes, “No they don’t, the public wants to speculate on just how screwed up our marriage is, I’ll pass on that.”

“Okay,” he let out an exhausted sigh and walked back off towards the lobby. Haley turned back to see Peyton and Lucas looking at her with disapproving scowls.

“I’m sure it would mean a lot for him if you were there to support him Hales…” Lucas drew out sending a pointed look in her direction, she locked eyes with him for a moment in a challenging stare, before backing her chair up and heading off towards where Brian disappeared.

Peyton turned to Lucas with a worried look, “Maybe you shouldn’t have pushed her, things between her and Nathan are so strained, this could just make it worse. You know how she feels about the press.”

Lucas took Peyton’s hand in his own, and sent her a caring smile, “Things are never going to get better for them Peyt, unless they’re in the same room-”

“Right, that’s why we got them in the same room…things are just really…volatile right now.”

“Yeah, I know.” Lucas nodded and pulled her to his body in a comforting hug that eased the tension out of their bones in a joint effort. Peyton pulled back with a thankful smile before leaning back in and pressing her lips to his. Sometimes it still didn’t feel real to her.

Haley watched on the outskirts of the room while reporters threw a million different questions at Nathan, and he dutifully answered. All it took was a well placed smile, and a half-truth to get these guys going. After asking him to pose for a few shots, they thanked him and one of the hotel security guards ushered them out, sighting the bar was closed for a private party. Haley smirked, if they’d been about 10 years younger and a girl, they would have easily been let in and then hit on by all the available players inside, sometimes even some of the not so available ones.

She watched as Brian patted Nathan on the back, and Brian’s wife, the woman’s name who was still escaping Haley sent him a kind smile and a pat on the arm and left, leaving Nathan all alone, his heavy arms resting against the platform as he closed his eyes. She wondered if he was deep in thought or just plain exhausted, she figured either was plausible. Hesitantly she walked towards him stopping a few feet in front of him and waiting for him to open his eyes and acknowledge her presence. It didn’t take long for him to realize someone was there, and his eyes hot open in surprise.

“Hi.” She smiled weakly and he came down from the podium they’d set up for him. He didn’t say anything at first just took her in, she looked good, she was wearing the black dress Peyton had picked out for him to give her for her last birthday, her hair was down and wavy, and her face almost held no traces of unhappiness. Almost, he stopped when he reached her eyes, because they held nothing but misery and it hurt him to see.

“I didn’t expect to see you here.” He admitted as he shoved his hands into his pockets and let his gaze trail off of her own. They hadn’t been talking much lately, besides a few strategically placed calls both knew the other one would never be there to receive, leaving the answering machine as their “only” option.

“Brian didn’t tell you?” She wondered and he just shook his head unconcerned with the details of how Brian knew. All he wanted to know was why she was there and if she was coming home. He didn’t really think of their apartment as home anymore, not since she’d left, now it just felt like a place he slept. She was his home, she always had been.

“Lucas and Peyton dragged me out…” She explained her voice trailing off and her gaze drifting to the floor as it usually did when they were face to face. Without meaning to he reached out to touch her face and lift it back to meet his own, she hesitated with his touch at first, but finally gave in returning her eyes to his own.

“Why’d you come?”

She looked at him as if he’d spoken to her in a foreign language, asking her motives for something was something he hadn’t done in a long time, usually he just let her go as she pleased and do what she’d wanted. He hadn’t protested when she’d left, he hadn’t protested when she’d pushed him so far away, he couldn’t even reach out to her anymore. But he was tired of waiting now, he was tired of sitting back and watching her destroy herself and them.

“I don’t know,” she brushed off his question and turned away from his again, her eyes traveling to the boisterous gathering still going on in the bar. “They’re really loud.”

He came up behind her, resting his hand on her shoulder and letting it slowly slide down her arm until his hand met her own, he could feel her tense at his touch but he didn’t pull back. Instead he slid his hand into her and locked their fingers together. She turned her head back to him questioningly.

“Come with me.” He ordered her coolly and she just nodded letting him lead her. It felt good to actually have some control back in his life, and he didn’t intend to give it up anytime soon, so when she hesitated as they got onto the elevator he pulled her in behind him giving her no option to leave.

“Nathan, I-” she began to protest, but her words died on her lips when she met his eyes. She could see he needed her, he needed her to trust him, to go with him, to give him a piece of herself again. She swallowed all the trepidation filling in her throat and stepped off the elevator following him to a room down the hall that he slid a key into and opened for them.

He walked ahead of her taking off his sports coat and letting it drop carelessly to the floor, she eyed it for a moment before retrieving it and bringing it to the closet where she found a hanger and hung it up. She had forgotten what a slob he could be.

“I didn’t feel like going back to that place tonight, so I rented a room…” he explained this to her like it was the most natural thing in the world, as he sat down on the bed and began to take his shoes off.

“What place, our home?” She asked surprised at how he described it. He seemed to hold it in such contempt, something she’d never seen him do before.

“It’s just a big empty space now.” He turned to meet her eyes again as he relaxed back against the bed, stuffing his arms behind his head and letting his legs stretch out. This is what Nathan called his “down time” he’d explained his whole regenerative theory to her before, but she’d been too busy mocking him to actually listen.

“I miss it.” She admitted softly and continued to stand by the closet she’d just put his jacket in. Something about being up there with him alone felt so dangerous, like if she didn’t run now she would lose herself in him. She hadn’t wanted to do that in so long that the feeling hitting her now was almost foreign.

“I miss you.” He responded bluntly, and she nodded in understanding. She missed him too, sometimes she would dream about him, and when she’d wake up she’d reach for him…but he was never there, and the happy place she’d lived in in her mind for those precious moments was gone. “I need you.” His voice went even lower, and she stepped towards him unable to stop herself.

She made her way to the bed, and climbed on beside him resting her body on the heels of her feet. She towered over him now as he laid below her, unwilling to make a move towards her. Finally she felt his hand brush across her face and push some unruly strands of hair out of her face. She closed her eyes at the contact taking the familiar feel of him in. His hand snaked around her head and applied some pressure to pull her down to him, her eyes flew open at the suggestion, but when she met the mesmerizing blue of his own she couldn’t deny him.

She bent down, letting her face hover inches above his, never letting her eyes leave his, he stayed still below her just waiting. She dropped her lips to his jaw first, and she felt the sting of his unshaven face rub against her, she pushed the sensation aside and moved further up to his cheek, where she placed another lingering kiss.

She pulled away from him again refocusing her eyes on his. They stayed locked in a silent stare for moments that seemed to stretch on forever, before he rose from his position below her and began guiding her against her back, positioning himself on top of her. She closed her eyes as the feel of his body on hers washed over her.

She felt his hand trace down her body until he’d latched onto her thigh pushing the thin material of her dress up and forcing her leg to tighten around his body pulling him closer to her. His mouth dropped down to the place where her neck met her shoulder and she felt his mouth hot and slick hover over her skin before he sunk his teeth into her, and then proceeded to trace gentle kisses along the reddened flesh he’d made.

She tried to bring her hand up around his neck, but he cut her off, pinning her arm back to the bed, and lacing their fingers together again. She felt his mouth trail up and down her neck, biting and nipping in an aggressive manner, as she tried to stifle her cries beneath him. He released her hand from his grip and grazed his finger tips up her arm until he’d met the tie of her dress and slowly undid it. Her eyes were closed, but she opened them when he called out to her.

Her heart was hammering inside of her chest waiting for him to make another move, praying he hadn’t decided it was a bad decision. She wasn’t ready to leave the warmth of his body, she wasn’t sure she ever would be. He paused over her for a moment before letting his mouth cascade down upon hers and claiming her lips as his own. First pulling her top lip between his and sucking on it slowly, deliberately. She finally broke her silence letting his name leave her lips in a soft whisper.

Chapter 41

When I hit that bottom crash, you‘re all I have.

Haley turned over in the crinkled hotel sheets and realized she was alone. It took her a moment so adjust her eyes, and search around the room, looking for any trace of Nathan before she realized he wasn’t there anymore. Slowly she tied the sheet around her body and got out of bed to look around a little more. On the door she found a folded white piece of paper taped down, agitated she ripped it off and brought it back with her to the bed where she dropped down to read it.

It was from Nathan.

hi…I don’t know if you regret last night, I know I don’t. But I promised you your space, and I meant that. But I’ll be here, you know that, I’ll always be here.

Nathan

Haley let out an exhausted sigh as she ran a tired hand through her hair, and grabbed at her clothes which were scattered on the floor. After tidying up a bit and running some cold water over her face, she grabbed the note, tucked it in her purse and left. She didn’t know where she was going, she hadn’t realized until Nathan had said it the night before, but she didn’t have a home anymore. She had a place where she slept sometimes, most times with the help of a friendly sleeping pill. But it was never peaceful, not really, even her good dreams were bad because she woke up to the nightmare she was currently living in. The nightmare she was beginning to believe might actually be getting better.

The night before, being with Nathan, feeling his body warm against her own, holding his hand and falling asleep to the sound of him breathing- it was the first time she’d felt at peace, it was the first time she didn’t dream or even have nightmares, she just slept, knowing he was there, protecting her, loving her. She didn’t blame him for leaving, she understood, he was scared. He was scared she would reject him the way she’d done so many times lately, and she herself wasn’t really sure how she would have reacted. But she knew one thing, she didn’t regret it.

She was a block from her apartment when she suddenly stopped all at once deciding where she wanted to go. There were some demons she really had to face, and Nathan couldn’t do it with her. She rounded the corner and headed straight for the phone when she got up to her apartment, dialing a number she hadn’t called in a long time.

Two days later and she was stepping off a plane at the Miami airport and searching around the terminal for Jake and Brooke who were picking her up. She’d called a very surprised Brooke and asked her if she would mind if she came and stayed with them for a few weeks, Brooke seemed thrilled with the idea, and Haley was pleased. She knew before she made any more decisions with Nathan, she had to face her biggest fear, and that was that she would never get over losing their baby, that it would just fester in her for the rest of her life making her miserable and unhappy. She knew that if she could handle watching Brooke and her baby, watching the life grow inside of her, and not feel the need to cry every two seconds, then maybe she could get back to her life BM, before the mountain.

“You’re here!” Brooke squealed and waddled towards her wrapping her in as tight a hug as she could, with her large protruding tummy blocking full contact. Haley flinched for a second as she felt a vibration before her, Brooke giggled explaining the baby was kicking, she’d offered for Haley to feel, but she’d begged out saying she got a swift kick herself. The truth was, she couldn’t quite deal with it all yet, but she was trying.

Once they made it back to Brooke’s, Haley bit the bullet and called Nathan on his cell, he of course didn’t answer, so she left a message, knowing he would get it when he was done with practice.

“Hi, it’s me… I’m in Miami with Brooke and Jake, I figured they were due for a visit and since I can’t get any work done anyway I figured now was a good time- I’ve gotta do this for myself Nathan, I need to figure some things out…I don’t know…I guess I just wanted you to know that I don’t either- regret it I mean, I don’t regret it. Okay I gotta go…bye.”

Haley flipped her phone back shut and turned around to find Jake lingering in the doorway a steaming cup of tea in hand, and a wan smile she remembered well from the time when she saw it almost daily. She smiled back and took the tea from him, taking a sip and instantly realizing it was little too hot yet.

“So you and Nathan work it out yet?” He questioned bluntly and she shook her head as a small laugh escaped her lips.

“Brooke has rubbed off on you,” she exclaimed playfully, “you never used to be so forward.”

“You never used to be so unhappy.” He returned and it wasn’t accusing, it was just truthful, she nodded in agreement and took another boiling sip of tea. It hurt less than the conversation going on between them at the moment. “You’re gonna be okay Haley.”

“Oh yeah?” She questioned not completely trusting his assurances, even though she could tell he believed them whole-heartedly.

“If you’re the same girl I’ve known all these years, than yeah, you are.”

“What if I’m not?” She asked sadly, voicing the fear that had been paralyzing her for months. She was terrified she would never go back to normal, she would never smile again, not a real smile, not with true happiness. Most of all she was scared the family she’d dreamed of for so long just didn’t exist and never would, and it wasn’t Nathan stopping them, it was her.

“You’re older, you’ve been through some things that will change you forever, put a sadness in your eyes that will probably never go away…but it’ll dim Haley. You’ll always be the believer, the dreamer, it’s who you are.”

“My dreams aren’t a happy place anymore Jake, I wish they were.”

He nodded, and approached her slowly, letting his hand drop onto her shoulders forcing her to face him eye to eye. “You’re dreams are still the same, you’re just afraid of dreaming them again. I’m going to pick up dinner, Brooke’s in the baby’s room, if you want you should go check it out, she did a pretty amazing job, now lets just hope it’s a girl…Brooke’s convinced it is. She says it couldn’t be any other way.”

Haley nodded with a small smile, as Jake walked back out leaving her in silence again. She looked over the elaborately decorated guest room and sighed. It wasn’t home, she didn’t expect it to be, but she also didn’t expect it to feel so empty. It just felt like she was drifting further and further away from Nathan, and it was terrifying her.

“So she’s in Miami?” Luke questioned as he brought drinks back to the table, he Peyton and Nathan had grabbed at one of the local restaurants to get dinner.

Nathan nodded and took a sip of his beer, “Yeah she left me a message this afternoon, I guess she’s staying with Brooke and Jake.”

“Wow, I didn’t see that coming.” Luke let out a long sigh, and Nathan returned the gesture as both of them sucked up most of their drinks. Peyton looked between them for a moment before finally speaking on the topic.

“I think it’ll be good for her.” She didn’t say anything else and the boys didn’t question her. Peyton knew something had happened between Nathan and Haley, she didn’t know what, all Haley would say was that she needed to figure things out before it was too late. She hadn’t said anything about Miami or Brooke, but Peyton realized that Haley had gone there to sort it all out and make things better.

“Yeah.” Nathan agreed a few minutes later and it was clear he’d been thinking about it non-stop. He didn’t know what it meant that Haley ran off to another state a few days after they’d slept together only leaving him a message, but he knew it couldn’t get much worse than it had been. He was prepared to give her time, he was willing to wait for her forever, he just didn’t want to. He wanted her there with him now, he wanted more than anything to take away all the pain and loss that had befell them. He wanted to be her husband, he wanted to be a father- there were so many things he saw now, he hadn’t before, but it was too late, he wasn’t sure they’d ever had the time in the first place.

“Settling in?” Brooke questioned as she walked into Haley’s room with a glass of ice water, and a plate of cold fruit. Haley nodded and continued to unpack her suitcase while Brooke settled onto the bed behind her, and situated the pillows to give her back support.

“Those for me?” Haley asked as she reached out for a chunk of cantaloupe, but before she could make contact Brooke swished the plate away and shook her head.

“Oh never try to take food from a pregnant lady, especially not a pregnant Brooke. You want fruit find the fridge, this my dear is all mine, and I guess the little bit inside of me.”

“At least you’re eating healthy.” Haley laughed, pregnant or not, Brooke would always be Brooke. And Haley loved her for it.

“Jake’s orders.” Brooke smiled a completely content smile, and Haley found it infectious, so she smiled back, and for the first time in a really long time, she meant it. Her eyes traveled down to Brooke’s tummy, and she hesitantly reached out to touch it. As if on cue the baby began kicking again, and Brooke and Haley’s eyes both grew wide with wonder.

“Does it hurt?” Haley wondered out loud, never taking her hand away, even after the motion had long stopped.

“Not really, it’s uncomfortable when she does it in the middle of the night and wakes me up, but it’s like a little reminder that she’s strong and healthy, so I don’t mind…I think she knows you’re here Hales.”

“What?” Haley laughed at the absurdity of her statement, but Brooke remained steadfast in her belief. “Why?” Haley finally asked curiously.

“She just does, I think she knows who you are, I tell her about you all the time, I tell her about your baby…”

Haley’s eyes misted up a little, but she didn’t cry, instead she refocused her eyes on Brooke and listened with great rapture, “What do you tell her?”

“How they would have been best friends, family, like us, but that he’s in Heaven now- you know it’s crazy but I think she understands. I tell her you’re sad, I think she knows I am too.”

“Heaven,” Haley repeated as the thought ran through her head, “I like that idea.”

Haley relaxed down against the bed and laid her head softly against Brooke’s belly, once she was situated and made sure Brooke was comfortable, she began talking to the baby as well.

“I’m Haley little one, I’m you’re God mother and I have to tell you, I can’t wait for you to get here, healthy and happy. I promise if you do that we’ll spoil you like crazy and love you forever and ever…” Haley smiled up at Brooke and then spoke back to her stomach, “is it a deal?”

“I think it is.” Brooke responded, and Haley leaned back up pulling Brooke into a hug, this one full of compassion, concern, but most of all just joy and relief.

“Thanks for letting me come Brooke.” Haley whispered into her hair.

“It’s what families are for.” Brooke returned simply.

Chapter 42

It all fell so fast and it fell so far.

Haley lounged out by the pool beside Brooke, who had insisted they sunbathe at least an hour every day for the last two weeks. At first Haley had tried to get out of it, she could just picture herself being wheeled into the local hospital with sun poisoning. Her skin never did well under intense heat. But Brooke had eased her into it, giving her baby suntan lotion, which was guaranteed to keep her from getting burned, and it had. And now she was surprised to find she was actually getting a pretty nice tan, no near as good as Brooke’s, but she lived in New York so it was to be expected, you just didn’t get the chance to sunbathe there.

“I feel like a whale and I have entire 6 weeks to go…I wish she would just come already, I mean she has to be huge by now with all the crap I’ve been eating.”

Haley laughed heartily, and glanced over at her friend from under her sunglasses, “You do know that old wives tale about eating for two is completely false right? You’re just supposed to be eating for you, and the baby like gets nutrition from that-”

“Don’t tell me that crap Haley, I need to believe I’m eating for two so I don’t feel guilty when I have the Brooke Supreme at two am every night-”

“The Brooke supreme?” Haley questioned.

Brooke grimaced, “You don’t want to know it’s too gross for words. I guess it’s the weird taste buds you develop, I always thought that was kind of hokey, but I have never ate the kind of crap I’ve been eating this last month. When I order a pizza, they look at me funny.”

“Well next time I’ll order it for you and if they look at me funny, I’ll kick their scrawny teenage asses.”

“Now that would be a sight, I might take you up on it. If nothing else I would get a good laugh out of it.”

“So is my time almost done?” Haley asked. She didn’t mind the sun so much anymore, but she hated sitting still for so long. It just wasn’t natural to go to sleep under the scorching sun, she much preferred air conditioning, which was only a feet away and calling to her for her afternoon nap. In the last two weeks, all she had done was relax, she’d slept, eaten and shopped. Sometimes she went to work with Brooke, and checked out her designs which she insisted Haley wear to some fabulous opening when she got back to New York so it would be in the fashion column of the daily post, and Haley had agreed as long as it left a little something to the imagination.

It had been nice, and the strain she’d first felt from being there with a very pregnant Brooke had been fading. She felt the baby kick at least once a day, and Brooke was constantly complaining about her feet or her back, or how fat she looked. Instead of making Haley sad, it had begun to make her smile. Watching the life inside Brooke grow, seeing that progression, it was such a beautiful thing. She still felt her loss, sometimes she still cried herself to sleep, but on those nights, Brooke was there, she’d come lay beside her, and they’d dream about what life would have been like, if they’d raised their kids together, would they have been best friends, would they have grown up and fallen in love, there were so many scenarios they’d worked up. It started to fill a void in her, and even thought it might have seemed like a hollow comfort on the outside it wasn’t to her. It felt good to be able to think about her baby, about who he would have been, what he would have looked like. And Brooke just let her, she didn’t tell her it didn’t make a difference, she didn’t tell her it was silly.

“You Haley Scott are a complete wimp.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Haley agreed, “but I’m out here aren’t I, so can I go in yet?” She asked in a child-like manner, that made Brooke shake her head.

“You’re giving me practice for motherhood, I’ve heard kids are almost as whiny as you are-”

“Ha!” Haley bristled, before they both broke into laughter. It seemed like Haley had been laughing a lot lately. Not the forced kind, where she felt like everyone expected it, but the easy kind, the kind she’d had before everything in her life had went sour. Sometimes her levity even carried over to her conversations with Nathan, sometimes just hearing his voice could make her smile. She couldn’t tell him this, it made her nervous to admit it to herself, like it was a false kind of hope or something. But she still did it, and shared the secret smile with herself.

“Okay you’re relieved, now go inside and call your husband, like I know you’re dying to do-”

“Have you been listening on the other line?” Haley gasped slightly amused and not putting anything by Brooke.

“I picked up once, and it was boring so I hung up. I thought at least you’d be talking dirty to him or something, Jake and I do all the time when we’re away from each other-”

“Brooke I have to stop you there,” Haley jumped up from the patio chaise she’d been laying on, “keep the dirty stuff in the bedroom, or on your phone line as the case may be.”

“I could give you some tips you know!” Brooke called after her jokingly, as Haley slid in the sliding glass doors and grabbed the cordless on her way to her room. She’d found it was best to call Nathan in the afternoon just after his morning session and before his nightly one. Most times he was at home, and if not she called Lucas and Peyton’s knowing he was hanging out there. It seemed he and Lucas we’re keeping each other company, because one she’d up and deserted him for Miami, and two Peyton was working on some art exhibit she had coming up. Which Haley had promised to fly in for next week, she hadn’t promised she would stay though, and she still wasn’t sure if she would. Brooke had offered her house for as long as Haley needed it, and Haley knew she and Jake meant it.

She liked her life in Miami it felt safe, it was becoming normal, settling her life. And at the same time she knew nothing would be settled until she and Nathan talked again, and as much as she wanted to be, she wasn’t ready for that conversation. She liked to stick to the basics, like what he’d done that day, what she’d bought, sharing the little things in their life before they tackled the big stuff again. She was prepared to do it one day, she knew she had to, but she wasn’t ready yet and Nathan just seemed to understand, in a way no one else in her life had ever understood her.

She began stripping out of her bathing suit and turning on the shower preparing for her bath, she loved taking baths now, since Brooke had introduced her to them. On her second night there, Brooke had come into her room with a “pamper package” which included, hot oil, bubble bath, tons of scented lotions and soap and some of the milkiest conditioner she had ever had in her life, Brooke still wouldn’t tell her where she got it saying it was her little secret. Brooke was always doing quirky little things like that, and it helped keep Haley’s mind free of other unkind thoughts.

“Hey” she breathed into the phone when Nathan answered on the other end, she could tell he was out of breath probably working out in the back gym waiting for her call. The thought made her smirk, and she hoped it didn’t show in her voice.

“Hi.” He returned and she could hear his lips turning into a smile on the other end. It gave her no small amount of pleasure that he enjoyed her phone calls so much, it just reminded her that he wanted her, and he missed her.

“Working out?” She guessed.

“I’m bored.” He returned.

“You should come down here, never a dull moment with Brooke…” her words trailed off when she realized the invitation had slipped out. She wasn’t sure if she could handle seeing him yet, but she knew she wanted to. She wanted to see him, she wanted to kiss him…God did she want to kiss him.

“It’s okay Haley, I know you’re not ready.” He broke into the silence, and she cringed at the sound of his words. He wasn’t angry with her, just sad, rejected. Taking in a deep breath she decided she’d at least rectify that.

“I want you so much…” she exhaled in a whispery tone, that she knew would drive him crazy. She didn’t mean to be a tease, but it had been bubbling in her for weeks, torturing her dreams, sometimes even replacing her nightmares. His hands on her body, his mouth on her mouth, their hands laced together so tightly she could hardly stand it, half memory, half fantasy.

“God Haley,” he growled, “you don’t know what you’re doing to me.”

She tugged her lip between her teeth, and bit down as hard as she could, trying to stifle the moan that was pressed against her mouth just waiting to escape at the husky sound of his voice.

“Yeah, I think I do.” She squeaked out, and she could hear him sigh in frustration on the other end.

“What are you doing right now?” He asked suddenly and she realized he could probably hear the roar of the water in the background.

“Getting ready to soak myself with bath bubbles, and oil…you really gotta see this oil Nathan, Brooke gave it to me and it’s-”

“I can imagine.” He assured lowly, and she stopped realizing she was pushing him a bit too far. She felt like she was about to burst herself.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered softly, and she meant it. She was so sorry she’d put so much space between them, even though she knew she needed it, even though she’d come to see he probably did too. It just didn’t feel natural not being with him, not waking up in his arms, not falling asleep against his chest, his breathing lulling her to sleep.

“I know.” He assured, and his voice was still low with desire, sending chills down her spine. “So what are you wearing right now?” He asked, and her eyes twinkled with delight on the other end, as she appraised the small amount of clothing that still enclosed her bare skin.

“Not much,” she teased, “a sarong-”

“A what?”

“You know one of those bathing suit wrappy thingies, I borrowed it from Brooke, so the neighbor boy would stop gawking at my legs. Now that is a kid starved for sex, and just waiting for some thoughtful girl to give it up-”

“Like you gave it up to me.” He broke in playfully.

“I made you wait.”

“Oh I remember, I took a lot of cold showers Haley.”

“But I made up for it.”

“Yes, you did.” He remembered fondly.

“I’ll make this up to you too.” She promised seriously and the line went silent for a moment, both of them taking in what she’d said. It was the first time, she’d really admitted that they had a future, and she believed it. In her heart, in her soul, she completely believed that they had a future, that one day, one day soon she’d mend what was broken inside of her, and they’d be together again. She go to sleep with him, wake up with him, jump him every chance she got because she just couldn’t help herself. The thought filled her with joy, something she hadn’t truly experienced in so long.

“Yeah?” He questioned finally, and she could tell he was happy too, and it made her feel even better inside.

“Cross my heart.” She said softly as she discarded the rest of her clothes and slipped down into the tub, careful not to slip. She’d learned her lesson the first time she’d used the oil and nearly busted her ass in the tub, not an experience she wanted to go through again. The first time was embarrassing enough when Brooke flew in like a rocket at the commotion and then spent the proceeding hour laughing her ass off at

Haley’s blunder.

“You really have no idea how much I want you right now.” He let out a tight exaltation and she giggled on the other end.

“I could talk dirty to you…” she offered cheekily, and laughing a little to herself. Brooke would kick herself if she knew the conversation she was missing out on right now, it was right from a tawdry romance novel, Brooke’s favorite.

“Has Brooke corrupted you?”

“Don’t you wish.”

“I wish I was there with you.” He admitted honestly.

“Me too.” She returned with that same truthfulness. Yet both were willing to wait for the other to heal, for the right time to come, because they knew it would now. It would come, and they would be ready for each other, ready to begin their lives again, ready to make new dreams. That’s what Haley looked forward to most, dreaming with him, it all suddenly seemed so possible.

Brooke sauntered in from the pool deck, after flashing the pervert next door a glare that sent him running in the other direction. She could not believe his parents couldn’t keep a hold on that could, he seemed to spend every hour of his day peaking through the crevice in her fence. She understood his fascination with Haley, but she was pregnant, seriously pregnant and this kid still gawked.

She slid the blinds closed for precaution and came around into the kitchen, ready to make her daily Brooke Special. She knew Haley would be on the phone with Nathan for at least another thirty minutes, especially after what she’d heard when she’d “accidentally” picked up the phone, she didn’t have to listen long to know that Miami was doing wonders for Haley, and she took a little pride in thinking maybe she’d helped her as well.

When Haley had first come she wasn’t sure what to think. She’d said yes immediately because it was Haley, but shed been nervous wondering how she should act, if she should talk about the baby or try and ignore that aspect. She realized though that all Haley was looking for was something normal, she gave her normal, she gave her the whining, and the complaining, and the fantastically wild Brooke, and Haley seemed appreciative.

She reached for the cherry Garcia from the fridge when she suddenly felt a pang in her stomach, she brushed it aside and went for the cool whip, until it struck her again, this time much worse than the last. She pressed her hand against the baby for support and made her way to a nearby chair where she sat down. It eased for a moment and she chalked it up to “Braxton Hicks”, her doctor had mentioned something about that. As she stood to head for the ice cream again, the pain surged through her once more, this time causing her to falter and slide back into her chair. Something was definitely wrong, she’d never felt anything like this before, and the doctor hadn’t said anything about it.

“Haley!” She screamed out, as she reached for the phone to call the hospital. Something was wrong, and she was scared to death.

Chapters 43 - End

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