Walkaway Joe - The End

By Whitney

Chapter 31

I wished it had been easier, instead of any longer

Brooke rushed through the doors of the Emergency room, the hospital was tiny so it was easy to find the entrance, now she just needed to see them. She could barely hear Tim when he called from the car. All she heard was they were alive, but they were hurt and they were taking them to the hospital. Robin had actually offered to drive her since she was in such a hysterical mood when she got off the phone, and now Robin was parking the car while she blew into the ER storming around like she owned the place.

She saw Ella sitting alone on a row of white metal chairs, covered in cheap plastic leather, and she rushed up to her, hoping for some kind of answer. Her mind was a mass of worry at the moment, she couldn’t hear Tim well on the phone, but he sounded terrified, which scared the hell out of her. Girls overreacted, she knew she did, but Tim…he wasn’t the kind to make a mountain out of a molehill, which meant it was bad.

“Where are they? Are they okay? What happened?” Brooke shot one question after the next in a frenzy and when Ella didn’t jump right in to answer she blew up in frustration. “Where are they! I need to see them! Where the hell is the doctor? What kind of place is this!”

“Brooke,” Ella reached out steadying her arms and pulling her down into the chair next to her for her to calm down, “you have to take a breath okay, just take a breath.”

“I haven’t taken a breath since they went missing, now tell me they’re okay, tell me that everything is going to be fine.”

Ella bit her lip nervously she wasn’t sure if she should be the one to tell her anything, she really didn’t know Brooke well and doubted she could be a source of any comfort. Tim appeared out of one of the rooms and Brooke raced into his arms, where he wrapped her in a hug that finally seemed to calm her.

“I need to see them.” She said simply, and he nodded, taking her hand in his and leading her into a small hospital room where Peyton lay asleep on a white cot, IV’s hooked up to her, and some kind of warming device wrapped around her.

“Oh God…” Brooke choked up as tears spilled down her face. She took slow steps towards Peyton and reached out to touch her hand, but pulled back unsure. She looked so weak, so small and breakable. Brooke had never seen Peyton so vulnerable.

“She’s gonna be okay.” Tim assured urging Brooke to go forward. Brooke finally grabbed onto her hand and enclosed it tightly within her own before breaking into a full sob beside Peyton’s still body.

“I was so scared, I was so scared.” She cried softly, as Tim came behind her pulling her into another hug before escorting her into a nearby chair. Brooke’s face went pale as she saw the dread in his eyes, the absolute regret that was shining through them was terrifying her all over again.

“What?” She bit, “Tell me Tim, what’s wrong?”

“It’s Haley…” His voice dropped off, Brooke could tell he could barely hold it together himself.

“Haley what?” Brooke questioned her voice barely audible, she wasn’t sure she wanted an answer. She wanted him to lie to her, she wanted to hear that Haley was okay, that she would be Godmother to her child, she wanted things to be okay, but it was clear by the pain emanating from Tim’s eyes that wasn’t the case. “Tell me.” She ordered weakly, and Tim dropped to his knees in front of her and took her hands into his own before speaking again.

“Haley sustained some internal injuries. They had to rush her into surgery…she’s not out yet, Nathan’s in the surgical waiting room…she was hurt pretty badly, she wasn’t conscience when we got there-”

“I have to go to Nathan.”

“Okay,” Tim nodded as she stood, he took her arm in his and guided her out of the room, “I’ll take you.”

Nathan stared out the window aimlessly waiting for a nurse or a doctor or someone to come in there and tell him Haley was okay. He needed to hear the words, he needed to know he wasn’t losing her. She hadn’t opened her eyes except for that one time coming up the mountain, and he knew that wasn’t good. She’d lost a lot of blood, and from what the doctor had explained she was bleeding internally as well. Tim had come to tell him that Peyton would be okay, but it barely registered, nothing was coming through right now. He kept closing his eyes and seeing her face, and it was scaring him. He didn’t want her to be a dream, he wanted the reality.

The door to the waiting room creaked open and his eyes shot up hoping for some kind of news, instead he found Brooke coming in. She took the chair beside him and remained completely silent, after a moment she reached out for his hand and clasped it tightly in hers, and then she laid her head on his shoulder.

He’d known Brooke for most of his life, most of the time he thought of her as an annoying drama queen he was cursed to be friends with for eternity. But every once in a while, they shared moments like these and he realized she was more than a friend, like Haley claimed so many times before, she was family. And he needed her.

“My father who art in heaven-” she began and Nathan turned to her for a moment, a silent look passing between them before he joined her in the prayer. They even attended the same church, when they went at all.

~*~

Lucas rushed through the parking lot, Jake right behind him. He ended up bumping right into Robin as he raced into the hospital, but he didn’t stop for the pleasantries. He couldn’t think about anything but Haley and Peyton right now, Tim said they were hurt, to get to the hospital and they’d driven like maniacs to get there.

“Tim!” Lucas rushed up to him bracing his arms on Tim’s shoulders to catch his breath, “Where are they? How are they?”

“Peyton’s going to be okay. They gave her something to sleep, along with some fluids to hydrate her, and they’re warming her back up. And besides some minor cuts and bruises and a sprained wrist she’s okay. She’s in the room next door.”

Lucas took an audible sigh of relief. He wanted to rush in there right now, wake her up and tell her he loved her, that he wanted to be with her, that he was a fool. But he knew she had to sleep, he would say it when she was well, and they would go from there.

“And Haley?” He asked hopefully expecting the same prognosis, but the grim look that ghosted over Tim’s features told him differently. “She’s okay right?” Lucas prodded, and Tim simply shook his head finally breaking down and sinking into an empty seat. Lucas’s eyes grew wide with horror when Ella stepped up to try and explain.

“She’s in surgery now, she had some internal complications…nobody really knows anything right now. I’m so sorry.” She finished as Lucas’s eyes grew dim, and Jake had to brace himself on a nearby wall. It all felt so surreal to them.

“Where’s Brooke, did she make it here?” Jake asked concerned, he needed to be near his wife and child now, he needed to know they were okay.

“She’s with Nathan…but I don’t think you should go in there. He’s not in good shape man, he didn’t want any of us around. If he’s letting her stay we should probably just leave them alone.”

Jake nodded in understanding and put a comforting hand on Tim’s shoulder, “Haley’s a fighter, we gotta have faith in her.”

“It’s all we got left man.” Tim spoke softly, as Lucas just continued to stand there, the news still washing over him.

“I uh- I want to check on Peyton.”

“It’s that room right there…” Ella pointed and Lucas took off towards the door without a second glance at anyone. He needed to see the proof that Peyton was okay, he had to focus on that, he couldn’t think about Haley. He could just imagine the hell Nathan was going through.

He entered Peyton’s room slowly trying to be as quiet as possible, he didn’t want to wake her. She looked so small laying there hooked up to all sorts of wires, it was like a bad nightmare. He pulled up a chair beside her bed and fixed his eyes on her motionless form, refusing to bother her body at all for fear of hurting her.

“I’m here for you now, and I’m going to stay and watch over you…nothings going to hurt you now, I promise Peyt.”

Her eyes slowly began to open and focus on him, and for a moment it looked like her mouth might form into a smile, but her lips were too dry to even move them, so he grabbed for a cup of water laid out for her and helped her take a sip, very careful not to disturb her.

“Haley…” was the first word out of her mouth, and Lucas’s face said it all. Suddenly she began to thrash about trying to get out of bed. Lucas jumped into motion holding her down until she was calm enough to listen.

“I need to see her Lucas! I need to see her!” Peyton yelled out loudly and Jake and Tim rushed into the room to help. Peyton finally stopped moving around, as her body settled into a steady ache again and she refocused her eyes to Tim.

“Where is Haley? Is she okay? I need to see her, take me to her room. I need to see her!” She screamed, her voice beginning to crack again, still worn out from earlier. When she could no longer yell, tears began to stream down her cheeks, “please just take me to her, please…”

“She’s in surgery,” Tim finally responded, and Peyton’s face contorted into pain before it quickly disappeared and she straightened out again.

“But she’s going to be okay. Haley’s the strong one, she’ll be fine. Nathan got to her, he saved her like I knew he would, and now she just needs to rest. We all just need to rest-”

“Peyton-” Luke tried to interrupt.

“No!” she slammed her eyes into him. “Haley is fine…tell me she’s okay, tell me- tell me she’s okay Lucas!” she begged weakly grabbing onto his hand and pulling him close to her as her face crumbled into tears. Lucas let go of his inhibitions and let himself hold her frail body close as she continued to cry and Jake and Tim stood frozen in place.

“Oh God this is some kind of nightmare, I just want to wake up from.” She whispered into Luke’s ear, as she held onto him tightly. Robin and Ella lingered in the doorway watching the display, before Tim and Jake came back out shutting the door behind them.

~*~

Nathan and Brooke sat in silence, their prayers long since fading into silence. The door opened again and the doctor Nathan had spoken with earlier came in and waited for them to stand for the news. Brooke held onto Nathan’s arm for support as the doctor began to speak.

“I have good news and bad news Mr. Scott,” he began and both Nathan and Brooke were holding their breath. “Mrs. Scott came through the surgery, and we’ve moved her to recovery. We feel confident that we’ve taken care of the internal bleeding. But the injuries she sustained were too much for her body to bare…I’m sorry to tell you this Mr. Scott but she lost the baby.”

Nathan stood blankly before the doctor unable to speak, a million things going through his mind. The most prominent that she was alive, that was all that mattered, she was alive.

“The baby…” Brooke choked with tears, “she was pregnant?”

“Oh I’m sorry,” the doctor stuttered, “I assumed you knew. She was about two and half months pregnant…I am so sorry…”

“But she’s going to be okay?” Nathan cut him off coldly trying to focus solely on Haley.

“At this point we just have to wait for her to wake up. I’m sorry…”

“Thank you.” Nathan nodded and he exited the room leaving Brooke and Nathan alone.

Nathan stood standing but Brooke stumbled back and found her way into another chair, as he head dropped to her lap and she began to openly sob. Haley was pregnant, she had a little baby inside of her and now that child was gone. Brooke could only imagine the pain of knowing that.

“Oh God…Oh God…” Brooke continued to repeat over and over as Nathan stood blankly before her, still saying nothing of the new development. “Oh Nathan,” Brooke looked up to him meeting his eyes, her own streaked with smudged mascara and tears, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry…Oh God.”

“I didn’t know.” He finally spoke. His entire heart breaking in that second as the news finally hit him. They had a child, they had a little baby growing inside her and now it was gone, it had died up on that mountain. He never got to be joyful over it, or protective, she would never get the happy news. It felt like someone was beating on his heart and suddenly everything just shattered as he dropped to his knees on the ground. Brooke found her way down before him and pulled him into her arms as he cried over his child.

“How am I going to tell her this?” He wondered as they pulled back to meet each others eyes again, and Brooke continued to silently sob before him unable to handle the pain herself. “How can I ask her to come back to this…she wanted a baby, she told me she did…this is going to kill her…” his voice dropped below a whisper, “it’s killing me.”

“I know.” Brooke nodded her lip trembling as tears rolled down her face, unwilling to stop for even a second. She watched as Nathan closed his eyes, and when he opened them again she was hit even harder with his pain and continued to sob even harder. She’d never seen someone in so much pain before.

“Our baby is dead…” He spoke softly, “I was going to be a dad…”

“Nathan-” Brooke broke in begging him to stop, she felt like her entire body was about to topple over in pain with him. She didn’t understand how this could have happened, they were so happy, they were so in love and now this.

“I have to go see her. I want her to know I’m there. I don’t want the doctors to tell her, I think it should come from me…could you uh- tell the others, I don’t want to have to-”

“Yes.” Brooke nodded her head reassuringly.

“Okay.” He nodded before pulling himself to his feet and exiting the room leaving Brooke behind on the ground still sobbing silently.

His entire body felt beat, he felt beat. In his life he’d never experienced so much pain. And he knew it would only be worse telling her, it would kill him to see her face crumble, to see her shake with tears. To see the disappointment, to see her break, the thought made him sick.

He was silent as he walked into the room and took a seat beside her. He found her hand and linked it with his own, her wedding ring was in his pocket, he pulled it out and slipped it back on her finger, placing a gentle kiss on her hand when he was done. He watched her breathing, her mind at peace away from everything that awaited her, and he stayed silent. He didn’t ask her to stop dreaming just yet, he couldn’t do that to her. He wasn’t prepared, he wasn’t sure if he ever would be.

“I’m here and I love you.” He finally breathed, “But you sleep as long as you need to, and when you wake I’ll be waiting for you.”

Chapter 32

Think I broke the wings off that little song bird, she's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now

Brooke walked through the desolate hospital halls until she made her way back to Peyton’s room. Jake and Tim were standing on opposite sides of the door, and she almost laughed at the protective pose they were both holding. Lucas was nowhere in sight which probably meant he was inside with Peyton, the way it should be. Ella and Robin were sitting a few chairs down, neither were saying a word and for that Brooke was grateful. She liked Ella, she had no use for Robin, but she liked Ella, and still she felt like neither belonged there. Neither should be there when she had to tell everyone what the doctor had just told her and Nathan. The words already felt so wrong on her lips, but with an audience it sounded even more sickening to her.

She felt like she could pass out right there, just drop to the ground and stay there, close her eyes, and forget all of the ugliness that she’d just found out about. Haley lost her baby, it still churned in her heart, and she could feel the tears beginning to flow freely down her cheeks again. She couldn’t control her emotions anymore and she was too tired to even try.

“Hey.” Jake whispered softly and rushed up to her taking her into his waiting arms. She had it all, she had a loving husband, a baby on the way, she was healthy, her child was healthy, and here she stood feeling so empty. Haley should have had all these things too, that’s what kept running through her mind. She didn’t understand why she got the happy ending, and Haley got all the pain, it didn’t seem fair. And at the same time she wanted to drop to her knees thanking God for her blessings and then berate him for taking so much from her friend.

“I just-” her voice broke into another sob as she tried to swallow the lump in her throat and speak. She knew she had to do this for Nathan, she had to break the news. But it felt like some kind of bad dream, and she kept hoping that maybe if she closed her eyes a little tighter, dug her nails further into her palm, maybe she would snap awake and realize none of it was real. But she knew that wouldn’t happen. A dream couldn’t put this kind of weight on your heart, a dream couldn’t make you cry until you shook, this was real. “I-I can’t believe this is happening.” She finally sobbed out on his shoulder, and he felt his hand come to stroke the back of her head reassuringly.

“Come on you need to sit down, this isn’t good for the baby.” Jake tried to guide her into a chair, but she raised her arm to stop him and put some distance between them. She had to muster up all the courage she possessed to deliver the news she promised she would. “Brooke, honey,” he tried to get her to focus, “you need to sit down-”

“I- I have to tell you all something. Is Peyton awake yet?” After receiving a nod of affirmation from Tim, she walked up to Peyton’s door and clicked the knob to come face to face with her now very awake best friend. For a moment her heart surged with hope, and just as quickly it died when her mind traveled back to Haley, to Nathan, and the look of utter desolation on his face.

“Brooke!” Peyton’s face lit up excitedly, and Brooke rushed into her awaiting embrace where she stayed for a moment, hoping to disappear into the hug. It was the only source of comfort she’d found since the doctor had told her about the baby.

“Oh God I was so scared.” Brooke cried into Peyton’s ear, and both girls pulled tighter together, as the guys just stood around them, all ready to pounce if anything threatened to disturb the peace they’d found for the second.

“Me too.” Peyton chuckled lightly, and then finally Brooke pulled back and their eyes locked. Peyton could see something was wrong, she’d never seen Brooke look so broken before. It was like she was drained of all the joy she’d ever felt, and left with only heartache. Peyton’s own heart constricted with pain at the sight.

“How’s Haley doing? They said you were with Nathan. Did she make it out of surgery, is everything okay?” Panic was seeping into Peyton’s voice as Brooke remained silence, and she wasn’t alone. Her face mirrored the expressions of Tim, Jake and Lucas as well.

“Where’s Nathan?” Lucas finally asked quietly, and Brooke turned to him their eyes locking as a silent moment passed between them.

When Brooke finally spoke her voice was soft, and held almost a dreamlike quality to it, “He’s with Haley.” She responded simply, and it was the answer everyone on the room expected no matter what the outcome of the surgery was. Where Haley went, Nathan would soon follow and vice versa it had always been that way.

“Did she-” Tim took a deep breath before continuing, “Did she come through okay?”

Brooke nodded quickly as tears poured down her face at a rapid pace, she could feel her body begin to tremble, but she willed herself to keep it together a little bit longer. “They stopped the bleeding, and now we just wait until she wakes up.”

Suddenly the mood in the room went to jubilant, Jake and Tim went into a quick hug, as they both chuckled lightly, relieved by the news she had just provided. Lucas bent down placing a soft kiss on Peyton’s forehead, and telling her he knew everything would turn out okay. They all failed to miss the look that still occupied Brooke’s eyes, the pain that just wouldn’t fade.

“Brooke?” Peyton finally looked up again catching her friends hurt. Something was still wrong, she could feel it. “what’s wrong, you’re not telling us everything? Brooke?” Peyton repeated, and suddenly she felt like the little girl who just wouldn’t believe mommy wasn’t coming home tonight. It was like being transported back in time, and all she wanted to do was stop it, she wanted to stop this moment from happening.

“Is something else wrong?” Jake questioned, and Brooke’s eyes strayed to his for a moment before, they finally settled on Peyton’s in the bed. Luke still stood by her, his hand laying softly on her shoulder to help brace both he and her for what was coming.

“The accident put too much stress on Haley’s body,” Brooke began trying to keep herself from opening bawling as the words left her lips. It wasn’t right, she didn’t want to believe them even now, “she uh- it seems that she was pregnant…” Brooke’s lips trembled as her eyes opened the floodgates again and she didn’t even bother to wipe them away this time. “But the crash- her injuries were just too much and-…” her voice was barely above a whisper the next time she spoke, “she lost the baby.”

Brooke and Peyton’s eyes stayed locked, as Peyton’s blue ones pooled with tears once more, that silently began to stream down her face. Peyton began to shake her head back and forth furiously as Lucas fell to the ground beside her and buried his head upon her hand. Jake’s eyes stayed glued to his wife as the news settled over him, and Tim wrecked his hand against the plaster wall causing a boom Brooke was sure could be heard all over the hospital.

“No…” Peyton shook her head unwilling to believe her words, “No, Haley would have told me okay, I would have known. They made a mistake, she wasn’t pregnant…she couldn’t have been pregnant.” Peyton let out a short sob, and Brooke rushed towards her climbing up beside her on the bed and holding onto her other arm.

“How’s Nathan?” Lucas looked up, and brought himself to his feet again, still holding onto Peyton’s hand tightly. Lucas could only imagine what his brother was going through. Not just the pain of losing a child he never got to know, but the absolute horror of telling Haley.

“I don’t know.” Brooke shook her head brokenly and snuggled further into Peyton, “I don’t know.” She whispered again, and Peyton turned her head to rest on top of Brooke’s where they continued to cry in silence together.

Peyton didn’t understand how this great and powerful being, this God could do this. How he could give people more than they could handle, how he could put this agony in their heart. How could you believe in anything if this was the end result, if a little girl had to lose her mother, or a mother had to lose her baby. How could that be righteous and good. How could that be found Holy by anyone. To her it felt like Hell.

“This shouldn’t be happening!” Tim blew out in frustration, and it was obvious he’d finally reached the end of his rope. “How could this be happening? Not to Haley…Oh God.” He broke finding the nearest chair and burying his head in his hands.

Jake walked around to where Brooke was laying and linked hands with her. He needed to feel her warmth, he needed to know she was alive and breathing and that their child was just as healthy. Now more than ever he wanted to lock her in a plastic bubble, and spend the rest of his life loving and protecting her. This is why he wanted to live in the suburbs, or maybe the country, nothing to hurt them, bother them. He just wanted to give her peace, and find some of his own.

“How is he going to tell her?” Jake whispered lost in his own thoughts, and Lucas’s head jerked up at the question.

“How do you say something like that?…I gotta get some air. I gotta get out of here.” Lucas dropped Peyton’s hand and rushed towards the door. He couldn’t think right now, his mind was a blur of so many things, and he just needed to get his thoughts clear. He needed to regain some kind of control, although he doubted that would ever come again.

“Lucas!” Brooke screamed after him angrily, she couldn’t believe he was just bailing on them now. But before she could jump up and stomp after him, Peyton held onto her tightly stilling her body.

“Just let him go,” she whispered, “just stay with me okay?”

Brooke nodded as fresh tears formed, and they continued to hold onto each other tightly. Tim was the next to get up, he said he was going to go check on Nathan and see if Haley had woken up yet. Leaving only Jake and the girls in the room.

“Jake,” Brooke turned her eyes to him, “I think someone should call Haley’s parents, let them know about the accident, but that she’s okay. Would you mind using my cell and-”

“Sure.” He nodded immediately, and leaned down to place a kiss on her lips before exiting the room as well.

The room fell into complete silence as Peyton and Brooke just laid there. Neither was able to go to sleep, their mind filled with grief. They hardly moved, and instead just soaked up the darkness that surrounded them.

Finally Peyton turned to face Brooke again, their eyes locking for a moment before she spoke softly. “I don’t think I believe in God anymore.”

Brooke closed her eyes in response.

~*~

Nathan’s eyes finally fell shut as he laid his head on Haley’s still hand on the bed. He’d stopped talking long ago, and ever since he’d just watched her sleep, reached out to feel her breath every once and a while just to reassure himself he hadn’t lost her. Now he so desperately wanted to follow her to dreamland, he wanted to live in the warm and happy place she was now. He just wanted to hold her again, to hear her laugh, see her smile. He feared she would never do either, ever again once he told her about the baby, about their baby.

“Hi there.” Her voice was scratchy from dehydration and sleep, but he heard her instantly, and jerked up to meet her eyes. For a moment he was flooded with pure joy, and on instinct he leaned down connecting their lips before pulling back and getting a glass of water the nurse had set out for her and instructed him to help her with when she woke.

“You’re gonna be okay.” He stated, his voice so shaky she reached a hand out to touch his lips. She’d never seen Nathan so jumpy, it almost looked like he was scared, which was something she thought she’d never see in her life.

“I am, I promise.” She tried to reassure him. She wasn’t sure why his face was contorted in such pain, but it was quickly putting a panic in her heart. She hated that she’d scared him, that he’d thought for even a moment she would leave him. Because that was never a possibility, she never would have gone somewhere he couldn’t follow.

“I love you.” He tried to smile down at her, but his mouth just wouldn’t cooperate, and instead he brought her hand up to his lips and placed a kiss on her smooth skin, which had somehow been untarnished by all that had happened to her.

“I love you too.” She swallowed, as a sick feeling began to spread throughout her body. She could tell something was seriously wrong, and her mind immediately went to Peyton. The last thing she remembered was sending her off, what if something had happened to her, what if- “Peyton’s okay right, you guys found her, and she’s okay.”

“Yes.” Nathan answered quickly nodding his head. “She uh- she had a few minor injuries,” he explained, “but she’s going to be okay.”

“She was so tough out there, even you would have been proud.” Haley tried to laugh, but stopped when she felt a shooting pain run throughout her body. She swallowed once again to try and control the pain.

“Do you want some pain medication?” He asked quickly, “the nurse said to call her when-”

“What’s going on Nathan?” She cut him off. He tried to look away, but he couldn’t refuse her gaze. Her eyes were filled with a fear he never wanted to see. He wanted to protect her from this like he promised he would protect her from anything.

“I think you should let them give you some pain medication. You just had surgery and-”

“They’ll only make me sleep, I need you to tell me right now. I need you to tell me what’s wrong…” her voice was shaky with fear and concern. She could only imagine what was wrong, if he was lying about Peyton, if someone else had got hurt trying to save them.

“Maybe you don’t want to be awake,” he stated shaking his head and then returning his gaze to hers, “I don’t want to be.” His voice broke with emotion, and she could see he was about to cry. A sight she had never seen before her, and her entire body constricted in pain again, but she ignored it and continued to prod at her husband for answers.

“You have to tell me, whatever it is, we can go through it together. Everything’s going to be fine, I made it through, I fought for us, and I can do it again. You just have to tell me what’s wrong…” he remained silent, “Nathan!” She reached out to turn his face back to her own, and she flinched at the raw pain she found in his eyes. “You just have to tell me.”

“I love you so much,” he confessed as he broke down before her trying to muster up some kind of strength to tell her the truth. He just wasn’t sure he could bear seeing her in so much pain.

“I know.” She nodded tears filling her own eyes. She wasn’t sure why, but things suddenly felt so hopeless, so painful. She needed him to tell her before she exploded with the sickness building inside of her.

“The doctor says that you- uh that you were pregnant.” He finally choked out, and her eyes lit up with delight and happiness for a moment before she returned to searching his dim expression.

“That’s a good thing right?” She asked unsure of his response, she knew he didn’t want kids yet, but they were married now. They could start a family, she thought he would be happy about that.

“Haley,” he grabbed onto her face with both of his hands bracing both of them for the words that were about to leave his mouth. His voice dropped to below a whisper, as tears escaped his eyes and his voice cracked before her, “the baby couldn’t handle the stress of the accident…it didn’t make it.”

Haley’s eyes went wide with horror as the words spilled from his mouth. Her entire body felt numb with pain, she couldn’t even open her mouth to scream. Her eyes filled with tears but not spilled over, they just stayed locked in the terrible nightmare she was thrown into. They had a baby, they had a child and now it was gone. It was gone before she even got to know about it, before she could tell it she loved it, or hold it.

“Haley-” he began to speak again still holding onto her face, but she jerked her head away from his grasp, and turned to face the white walls beside her. She couldn’t look at him right now. She didn’t want his pity, she knew he didn’t want kids, he didn’t want any of this. Her body broke out into silent sobs shaking her entire frame.

He sat beside her unable to do anything to help her, to shield her from the pain she was feeling. He didn’t try to speak again because he knew his words would mean nothing to her now. They remained in silence as she cried, until finally she spoke, keeping her back still turned to him.

“I just want to be alone.” She whispered, and when she heard him make no move to leave, she spoke once more. “Please just go…please Nathan.” She begged.

And then she heard her door click open and shut again, and she was alone. She closed her eyes and tried to escape to the place she’d been before. The place where this pain didn’t exist, but that place was gone forever now.

As Nathan came out of the room he found Tim waiting with a cup of coffee for him. He stayed silent before his friend, and after a moment Tim pulled him into a hug.

“It’s going to be okay, man.” Tim promised.

But Nathan didn’t believe him. He knew the truth, he saw it in Haley’s eyes.

Chapter 33

Come away with me, and we‘ll fly

Haley laid perfectly still in the hospital bed, and squeezed her eyes together as tightly as she could, praying that sleep would take her soon. She felt like she was in some kind of daze, and it wouldn’t let her fall asleep. She tried not to think much, she tried not to think about Nathan or the baby they’d almost had. It all seemed too much at the moment. She was sure if she truly let her mind rest there her heart would burst, her soul would die. She hadn’t really believed that losing another could physically harm a person. She always thought it was novel and naïve to believe such things, like when you hear about an old married couple dying close together, like they truly couldn’t live without the other. She hadn’t really thought it possible to die from misery or a broken heart, but now she was nearly certain she would.

The walls around her felt so small, so confining, but she didn’t want to walk beyond them, and she didn’t want to let anyone in. Not even Nathan. It was like hearing about the baby, their baby, turned her cold. She couldn’t even grieve properly, she cried for the first few minutes after he told her, but not since. And she feels guilty, like maybe she didn’t love the baby enough, like maybe it was her fault for not knowing and protecting herself better. The door creaked open and she refused to open her eyes expecting Nathan to be staring down at her. She can’t handle his grief as well as her own, or worst of all his pity.

“Haley.” A meek voice speaks, and she opens her eyes finally seeing Peyton ,alive and well like Nathan had promised. For a moment she is flooded with relief, but it soon fades back into the oblivion that’s consumed her. That one moment of feeling gives her hope though, so instead of ignoring Peyton and pretending like she’s asleep, she keeps her eyes open and tries to smile at her friend.

“We made it.” She offers weakly, and she can see Peyton knows about the baby. She can tell because she doesn’t seem relieved to be alive like they should be, like Haley was before she knew. She imagines her eyes are just as dim as Peyton’s, except probably even darker.

“Yeah.” Peyton nods, but there is no victory in her voice. There is no joy at the news. Instead there is just sadness. Haley can see she’s been crying, not only is her voice hoarse and worn, but her eyes look to be permanently inhabited by an itchy red color, that not even good make up could cover up. Haley wonders if this is the rest of her life, if this one moment is going to define her entire being. She wonders if she has ruined Nathan’s life as well.

“I thought surviving was a good thing.” Haley tries to be glib and ignore the reality all around them. She tries to be the person she was before she’d lost a baby, before they went over that mountain. She tries to think of Nathan, he used to be her happy place, but he no longer seems to fill her with that feeling. Thinking of him no more fills the void building inside her, than anything else.

“Just tell me you're okay.” Peyton pleads, her voice cracking completely as tears rush down her face. Haley imagines the salt of her tears must irritate the tiny cuts that mar her face. She thinks about asking her this, but then realizes it wouldn’t be the proper response. Like always she knows she has to put on a brave face. That’s what everyone expects of her.

“I’m okay.” Haley assures, and this time she forces herself to smile. She reaches out and clasps Peyton’s frail hand in her own, giving her a small squeeze before letting go and retreating back into herself. She doesn’t think there’s anything more to say, she thought maybe Peyton could make her feel something. But she doesn’t illicit any emotion either. Haley’s beginning to wonder if the numb feeling that has crept into her heart will always be there. She wonders if she will ever sleep again.

“I’m so sorry, I just-…” Peyton stops as sobs consume her tiny frame and she buries her head on the bed beside Haley. Haley drags her heavy arm up to smooth over Peyton’s hair, and her finger gets caught in Peyton’s messy curls.

“I know.” Haley forces herself to speak again, as she continues to pacify her friend. She used to know exactly what to say, but her mind draws a blank now. She feels so uncertain of everything around her. Haley closes her eyes, and hopes that Peyton will leave soon, so she can once again be alone.

~*~

“Not that I think it will do you any real good,” Brooke begins as she takes the empty seat beside Nathan, and pulls his hand into her own. She isn’t sure if she’s trying to comfort him or herself, and it doesn’t much seem to matter now. “But you should probably get some sleep. We can take shifts at the hospital…I know you’re not going to leave Nathan, but I’m sure they could find you an extra bed around here.” She waits for him to say something, to say anything to acknowledge that he heard her, but he doesn’t.

She waits for a moment before releasing his hand and walking back over to Jake and nestling against his chest. She feels safer with Jake, she feels warm and protected, a feeling she wishes she could share with Nathan and Haley. Brooke can see Lucas standing outside of Haley’s door down the hall waiting to help Peyton back to her bed. After Peyton had thrown a fit earlier the nurse had agreed to move her to a room closer to her friends. Brooke was grateful to be able to keep an eye on both of them.

“Do you think she would mind if I went in next?” Brooke looked up to Jake questioning him absent-mindedly. She didn’t really expect him to answer, she just wanted to ponder it aloud.

“She might be a little tired…” Jake trailed off, but Brooke had tuned him out, already determined to see Haley next. She wasn’t sure what she would say, if she would say anything at all. But she just wanted to see her, and since Nathan seemed unwilling to go back into the room, she knew it fell on her.

Peyton exited the room a few minutes later and Lucas called down to Brooke to help Peyton back to her room. It seemed he had already decided he was next. Brooke agreed, knowing fighting over who got to see Haley was way too childish for the situation they now found themselves in.

“How is she?” Brooke whispered into Peyton’s ear as she guided her back into bed. And Peyton’s response un-nerved her. She just shrugged.

~*~

“You awake?” Lucas questioned Haley’s still form, even though he knew she was. Haley could only sleep on her back and at the moment she was on her side facing the other wall, not even pain killers could force her to sleep in that position.

“I am now.” She returned, but didn’t turn over in bed to face him, she continued to greet him with her back. He took the empty chair beside her bed, and just sat silently beside her, not saying another thing. Five minutes passed before Haley rolled over to face him and spoke.

“Aren’t you going to tell me how sorry you are?” She asks, and her voice isn’t mean or derisive, just incredibly sad, more lost than he’s ever heard her.

He shakes his head, “No, because I don’t think it really matters, does it?”

A tear escapes her eye, “No.” She responds as another tear drop falls. Before she can stop them, they’re flowing at rapid pace. Lucas doesn’t say anything else to her, he just sits beside her and watches her cry. She reaches out for his hand in the darkness, and for a moment she feels comforted, she feels safe, but it’s fleeting and she begins to sob again.

She finally stops, her face is red and puffy, and her body aches from all the shaking. It’s nothing compared to the pain that is ripping her apart on the inside, so she ignores it. She lets go of Lucas’s hand, but lets her eyes linger on his.

“I need Nathan.” She says softly, and Lucas nods exiting the room to find his brother.

Lucas finds Nathan right outside her door, his eyes wide and alert, even though Lucas knows he must be dead tired. Lucas doesn’t have to say the words, he just looks at him, and Nathan stands moving past him into her door. Lucas thinks Nathan can feel her pain, like it’s calling to him or something.

Nathan doesn’t say anything to her when he comes into the room. He doesn’t have to, he knows without words that she isn’t okay, and she has no idea how to get there again. He doesn’t even bother pretending like he does either. Instead he slips onto the bed beside her and holds her body gently against his own. She finds his hand and guides it around her body to rest with her own. Minutes pass, and finally her breathing begins to settle. He can’t see her, but he knows she’s asleep now. And he’s grateful that at least for the moment she isn’t in pain.

And then he hears her, she’s crying, not sobbing like Brooke did when she found out, but she’s whimpering like someone is torturing her. He closes his eyes beside her to try and block out the sound, but he can’t deny her pain, and it consumes them both.

“I love you.” He whispers into her ear, and he says it over and over until finally she rests peacefully beside him. A few minutes later, he finally falls asleep as well. He hopes her dreams take her to a good place…he hopes he can follow her there.

~*~

Lucas walks into Peyton’s room and finds her thrashing about in bed. He rushed towards her with concern, “Do you want me to get a nurse.”

She finally stops and shakes her head, “I just can’t get to sleep.” She explains and he knows without her saying it that her mind is on Haley, and the baby she and Nathan lost. His mind is at the same place.

“She’s tough,” he tries to smile as he thinks of Haley, like he always has before. But thinking of her makes him sad now, so the smile never completes itself on his lips, “she’s going to make it through this, like she has everything else.” He’s being optimistic. He doesn’t want to tell Peyton that he’s never been more afraid for Haley, he doesn’t want to tell her that as he watched Haley sob in that room, for a while he didn’t think things would ever get better.

“Not this time,” Peyton shakes her head knowingly. She’s seen Haley too, she knows that sometimes things that are broken can’t be fixed. She remembers that feeling all too well. “Someone dies, and it kills something inside of you. It takes a piece of you, and it never lets you have it back. You don’t have to lie to me Lucas…it’s not going to make it any better.”

“She’s alive, Nathan’s alive,” he tried to argue, “she has a life to work towards. She’s not going to just throw that all away. It’s a terrible thing that happened, and I know right now it’s impossible to even imagine a time when things will be okay…but they will be. One day…things will be okay again.”

Peyton smiles, “Yeah,” she relents although she isn’t sure she believes him, “One day.”

~*~

”Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream,” Haley sing-songed to the small little boy in her lap. His hair was dark like his fathers, and his eyes were dark and blue mirroring Nathan’s as well, but his smile was all her.

“More mommy,” he egged her on turning his bright eyes up at her and pouting his lip out in a silent plea.

“Merrily, merrily, merrily…life is but a dream.” She finished and dropped a small kiss onto his nose. He wiggled in her arms, and pulled himself to his feet before diving into her arms and wrapping his chubby little arms around her neck.

“Again! Again!” He begged, as he besotted her face with kisses to butter her up. She smiled down at him, her senses filled with the baby fresh powder that seeped from his pours.

“Okay,” she relented like she had five times before, “one more time.”

Haley twisted in bed beside Nathan.

Life is but a dream.

Chapter 34

I‘m blue, and I need you

Nathan closed up the house and packed their things so Haley could go straight to the airport from the hospital and fly back to New York. He’d asked her if she wanted to stay at the mountain house a while to recuperate, but she refused to even think about it. He didn’t ask why, because he pretty much knew the answer. Haley wanted to get as far away from the accident as she could.

“You okay?” Nathan asked as they waited to board the plane. She’d barely said a word since they left the hospital. He’d tried to hold her hand when they got out of the car, but she’d flinched at the contact and he didn’t push it. Nathan really had no idea what to do. He’d talked to her parents on the phone, and they’d both been eager to come see her, but after she got off the line with them she told him they wouldn’t be coming.

“Hmm-hmm,” she turned to him with a tight smile and looked back down at her watch for the millionth time. He tried to smile back at her, but he couldn’t muster one up. He felt like everything he did with her was wrong, everything he said seemed to make her even sadder. He hadn’t dared to bring the baby up since he told her, and she hadn’t either. He didn’t know if that was healthy or not, he was leaning towards not, but he didn’t know what else to do.

“You’re not cold or anything-” he didn’t know what to say around her anymore and that felt so weird. She used to be the only one he could ever talk to. She used to be his sounding board, even for the little things. And now his voice felt wrong when he spoke to her, every word was nervous and confused like he was.

“I’m fine.” She cut him off coldly and flashed him that same tight smile. For some reason being around Nathan was becoming suffocating to her. He kept trying to do things for her, he couldn’t just let her be. No one could, she felt like everyone was trying to hold her hand, pushing their shoulder out for her to lean on, when all she really wanted was a little peace and quiet. That’s why she didn’t want to stay in the mountains, she didn’t want all of her friends to chain themselves to that house with her, and try to “help” her day in day out. She didn’t want that from her parents either, that’s why she’d declined her mothers offer to come and stay with her in New York. Her mom knew that Nathan would be traveling again soon, and thought it was best Haley wasn’t alone. None of them understood that that was exactly what she wanted, she wanted some quiet, so she could sort through everything herself.

“Okay.” He nodded and his face fell a little. She thought about reaching out to him, just taking his hand or something to let him know she didn’t despise him the way it seemed. But she couldn’t make herself do it. Every time he touched her now she flinched and she had no idea why. When he spoke to her anger surged within and she hated it. Because it wasn’t his fault, in her head she knew that. She knew he didn’t cause their baby's death, it was an accident. But a little voice in her head wouldn’t stop screaming that it was a baby he didn’t even want. How could he possibly understand how she felt, when he hadn’t really lost anything. He still had the life he wanted, while the one she dreamed of was ripped away.

“Where’s Peyton?” Haley questioned her eyes shifting over the nearly empty airport, “I thought she was on our flight.”

“I think she and Luke decided to go on the later flight, Brooke’s coming back with them to stay for a few days…” Nathan let his voice fade off when he realized she was barely listening. Her eyes were fixated on the snowcapped mountains outside of the large glass building they were in. It was like she was lost in them, and he wondered what she was thinking about. He wondered if she was as miserable as she looked, as miserable as he himself felt.

“Oh…” she finally sighed and turned back to look at him for a second before she walked past him to a line of chairs and took a seat. And then her eyes drifted to nothing again.

~*~

Lucas wrung his hands for the fifth time as he waited for Peyton and Brooke to come out of the gift shop. Tim had opted to stay in town for the rest of the week with Ella, while Robin had driven back to the city right after she broke up with him. He wasn’t heartbroken, if she hadn’t have said the words he would have, but somehow she seemed to know what he was thinking without him saying it, and he was grateful for it. He was never good with the break up thing. Jake was flying out later that day, and had driven them all to the airport.

“God it’s insane in there.” Brooke sighed exhausted by her gift shop experience. Lucas didn’t know how it could be so bad, seeing as the towns population wasn’t high enough to even fill the shop. Still Brooke talked like all of New York City was packed in there.

“You left Peyton alone in there?” Lucas asked concerned, walking to the entrance immediately and searching the shop for her. He’d been freaking out ever since they’d released her from the hospital. The doctor had assured him that besides a few bumps and bruises Peyton was as good as new, and he’d even given her a prescription for any pain she might experience, although he seemed pretty sure she wouldn’t experience much. Still Lucas was so nervous when he wasn’t right beside her. He’d just come to term with his feelings for her again, he didn’t want anything to happen to her before he could tell her the truth.

He wasn’t sure how she would react. He knew she loved him, she’d always loved him. But he was as equally aware of the fact that he’d hurt her by pushing her way so many times. He was fearful she wouldn’t trust in his declaration, but he knew he had to make it anyway. The only way she would know how much she meant to him, was if he put himself out there to her. He had to show her that he trusted her.

“She’s okay Luke.” Brooke assured with a warm smile and a pat on the arm. She could see something was brewing in Lucas, and she was happy for him. And for Peyton, because she knew that even though they had a lot to work out, they would. She hadn’t really believed in true love before she fell for Jake. But since she did, it was like everything seemed to have the possibility for the happy ending.

“I know,” he shook his head obviously trying to convince himself, “she’s just been so tired and-”

Brooke smiled smally, “She’s just sad.”

Peyton appeared before them a few minutes later with a few magazines in hand and a bottle of water. Luke immediately took everything off her hands, and Peyton smiled appreciatively at him before linking arms with Brooke and walking ahead.

“He’s trying,” Brooke whispered into her soft blonde curls.

“I know.” Peyton returned just as quietly as Luke chugged on behind them, with a few of their bags they didn’t check. He had insisted on carrying everything himself, saying Brooke was pregnant and Peyton was weak, neither had really protested too much. “I just don’t know why.” And she didn’t. Luke had been so attentive in the hospital, he’d been there with her every moment, and he’d held her when she’d cried over Haley and Nathan and their baby. She’d tried to brush it off as friendship, but when Tim let it slip that Lucas and Robin had broken up, she’d begun to wonder.

“He loves you.” Brooke said simply and turned to gauge Peyton’s reaction. Peyton didn’t really have one. She knew Lucas loved her, that was never the problem. The problem was he didn’t trust her, he just wouldn’t let himself, and she was tired of hitting a brick wall.

“I know.” Peyton repeated her earlier words, and glanced back at Lucas who was coming up behind them. She smiled at him for a moment before turning back to Brooke. “I just don’t know what that means. Lucas and I were in love before, and it didn’t work out. I hurt him, and then he hurt me and- I just don’t know if I can deal with that right now. Haley is so-”

“You have to let Nathan and Haley take care of each other. I mean I have the urge to but in too, so badly, you have no idea. But what’s broken there Peyt, you can’t fix. And I know Haley would want you to be happy, so don’t put that on hold because you think you don’t deserve it. You and Lucas have been waiting a long time for this…” Peyton still didn’t seem convinced, “all I’m saying is don’t shut the door in his face.”

“I’ll think about it.” Peyton relented, as Lucas finally caught up with them.

“The plane's on time.” He announced and both Brooke and Peyton were pleased by the information.

~*~

Haley and Nathan walked off the plane to be swarmed by the press. News of Haley’s hospital stay had leaked to the press and they were all eager to get all the information they could. Haley buried her face in Nathan’s shoulder to shield herself from the cameras. She couldn’t believe they were actually there hounding her. And she was terrified of what they would throw at her next. So far all she had heard was questions about the accident, who was with her, was she okay, was Nathan driving, they didn’t seem to know about the baby and for that she was grateful. She wasn’t sure she could handle hoards of no-name photogs asking her how it felt when she learned her baby had died. She looked up briefly to see what Nathan was doing, and as always he was smiling for them, assuring them that it was a minor accident and everyone was okay, he would be back to training in no time. Still they had more questions like they always had more questions.

Haley was getting angry, part of her knew it was just a defense mechanism, it was easier to be mad than to be sad. But she wasn’t mad at herself, she was mad at him. Everything he did was beginning to annoy her, the way he was smiling like nothing was wrong, how happy he seemed. She didn’t understand how he could even pretend at a time like this. She wanted to pull away from him and remove all contact because touching him was giving her a sick feeling, it just felt wrong all of the sudden. But she knew she couldn’t handle all the press people on her own, they would eat her alone, by the time she got to the car she would probably have broke down crying.

As they made their way through the airport, little gnats flying all around them shooting as many shots as they could that she was sure would be all over the papers and magazines eventually. She could just see herself in one of the fashion columns, “what not to wear”, it was all so frivolous and it enraged her even more that she was being subjected to it once more. A few feet ahead of them she caught sight of Brian, Nathan’s annoying agent who she had almost forgotten about.

“That’ll be all today guys, they’re tired, they’re going home.”

The photogs quieted for a moment, and she thought they were home free. And then one especially annoying man called out asking for one shot of Haley and Nathan together, a shot of the happy couple he asked. Brian said sure for them both and Nathan pulled her around as he always did to face the camera. She pulled the biggest smile she could on her face as the cameras flashed once more, and then Brian was ushering them out as fast as they could go and stuffing them into an SUV.

Haley sighed with relief was she was finally out of the spot light. If she wasn’t exhausted enough that pulled all the energy out of her. She could hear Nathan and Brian talking back and forth about something having to do with the team, but she just blocked them out and rested back against the seat trying to rest her eyes.

“Haley?” Nathan’s voice broke in, and she opened her eyes slowly, part of her wishing he would just fade in front of her eyes. She didn’t know what he was going to ask her but she just couldn’t deal with it now.

“Huh?” She tried to keep her voice level and unirritated, but it was hard.

“Are you okay with Brian releasing the news about our wedding?” He didn’t want to have to ask her this now, but he knew if they didn’t release it soon, someone would dig it up and some whole big conspiracy theory would be born. Sometimes honesty really was the best quality.

“Whatever.” She nodded, she didn’t care what they said anymore. As long as they didn’t say anything about the baby she was okay. She didn’t want to leave that particular area to chance so she spoke up breaking into their ongoing conversation. “But not about the baby. I don’t want that all over the tabloids.” She knew her voice was harsh, but she didn’t care.

“I know.” Nathan nodded, and he was becoming offended fast. He had done everything he could, he’d held her when she needed him to, and he’d tried to understand when she acted like the sight of him repulsed her. But he wasn’t sure how much more he could take before he said something he regretted.

“I meant to say something earlier Haley,” Brian began and he actually seemed to mean what he was saying, “…I’m really sorry.”

“Thanks.” She clipped quickly before her eyes drifted back out to the streets they were passing by.

~*~

A few hours later Peyton, Brooke and Lucas came through the airport, thankfully with much less fanfare. Peyton wasn’t sure if they should go over to Haley’s or not, it was the norm to do so, but things were far from normal now.

“So where to?” Luke asked as they walked out ready to flag down a cab, which wasn’t hard since half of them were parked right in front of them. Getting a cab was the easiest thing about the airport and all the rest was a pain.

“I don’t know, when I talked to Haley she said she wanted me to stay with them, but…I don’t know maybe I should just stay with you Peyt.” Brooke’s voice wavered with uncertainty. Any other time she wouldn’t have cared if she was an inconvenience, family had the right to be. But things were so dismal right now, Haley was so miserable, and she was sure Nathan didn’t want anyone around.

“If she wants you to, you should,” Lucas spoke as the voice of reason. He understood why Peyton and Brooke were nervous around Haley, she wasn’t the same, even he could see that. But he knew Haley well, and he knew if they tip-toed around her she would be far from happy or appeased. Besides he wasn’t sure Haley could handle being alone with Nathan right now, he’d caught some major tension between them before they left which made him nervous. “It’s not going to do her any good for everyone to just desert her-”

“I wasn’t talking about deserting her,” Brooke jumped in defensively, “I just don’t want to crowd her, she may need some time alone- I mean, she lost her baby Lucas, she can’t just pop back up from that.” Brooke couldn’t believe how blasé Luke was being, she knew he as trying to be positive about things, but there was only so much happiness and light you could find in a situation like this.

“I know,” Lucas soothed regretfully, “I didn’t mean it like that. I just- I just think it might be better if someone’s around right now-”

Peyton nodded understanding where he was going, “Yeah, things didn’t look so good with her and Nathan. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them so distant…I guess we should just head over there now.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Lucas tried to smile as he guided both girls forward shoving their luggage into the nearest cab and supplying an address.

Chapter 35

It never gets any easier

Nathan rubbed at his eyes tiredly as he bent over his bathroom sink and attempted to wake himself up by splashing water on his face. He’d been in there for the past ten minutes, he’d told himself he was doing it for her because she needed a little space, but in all honesty he was the one who needed space. She wasn’t openly being angry with him, she wasn’t yelling at him, or hitting him or throwing things. But every time he looked at her he could feel the ocean between them, he could see the cold creeping into her gaze, which was something he’d rarely seen from her in the span of their relationship. And it scared him.

“Nathan…” he heard her voice carry into the cold tiled room and he turned away from the sink to see her. A few seconds later the door crept open and she padded in, her shoulder sagged, and the old raggedy shirt she’d changed into the moment they got home nearly drowned her. Still she was beautiful to him, he almost smiled at her, but he thought better of it, sensing it would only aggravate her further. He felt like he was walking on egg shells in his own home, and he didn’t like it, but he didn’t know what to do about it.

“Yeah?” He asked expectantly as she stilled a few feet before him. He could see she didn’t want to get too close, which was never the case before. He hadn’t reached out for her since the airport, and the one time he’d clasped her arm she’d pulled away, she’d made some excuse about a bruise from the accident, he didn’t push it.

“Peyton just called, their plane got here, and they’re dropping Brooke off…” she took a deep breathe and began to walk back out but she didn’t want to leave quite yet. Something in her was making her push with him, part of her just wanted to get into a screaming match with him to get it over with. But she was scared, because she didn’t know what they would have left when they did. “And I figure I’ll have Peyton stay over too, no sense in her going all the way across town…you don’t mind do you?” She asked knowing perfectly well he would mind, but she wanted some kind of reaction from him. She was so sick of his stoic face.

“Okay.” He nodded without hesitation, he didn’t want to have the same old argument with her, not now when it seemed so petty. If she wanted to invite her whole damn yoga class, he wasn’t going to complain, he just wanted her to be happy. Because he was finding the more miserable she was, the more miserable he became and he wasn’t sure how long he could live like this. He could hardly believe they’d been so happy just a few days before.

“That’s it?” She questioned suspiciously still unwilling to walk out of there unscathed. She knew that if she pushed hard enough, he would eventually push back, or he would leave, either was preferable to her at that point.

“What do you want me to say?” He asked bluntly keeping his distance from her. He didn’t want to see her flinch when he came close again, it was a little much for him to bear at this point.

“Why don’t you try being honest,” she returned her voice edged with annoyance, “I know you hate when Peyton stays here or anyone for that matter- is it suddenly okay now since our baby is-”

“Don’t,” he warned knowing she was only working herself up into a fit which would hurt her in the end. It would hurt him too, but he wasn’t worried about that at the moment, she had to be top priority, for once he had to be the one picking up the pieces. “Don’t say something you will regret.”

“What you want to pretend it didn’t happen?” She snapped advancing on him. He stayed his ground and she stopped short of coming into contact with him, something about touching him still felt so wrong to her. “It did happen Nathan, I lost my baby and-”

“We did,” he cut her off,  a little bit of anger seeping into his voice. He was trying to keep it together for both of them, but she was chipping away at all of his resolve, and she was doing it on purpose. “I lost something too Haley.”

“Oh yeah, a baby you really wanted,” she spit and she could feel the tears threatening to roll down her cheeks. She knew it was wrong to strike out at him, but she didn’t know what else to do, she was going out of her mind. She wanted to tear their whole apartment down, she wanted to scream until she couldn’t breathe, but she couldn’t do any of those things, she could scream at him though, she could blame him, no matter how wrong she knew it was. “You didn’t okay!” She yelled her voice turning to sobs as she spoke, “You didn’t want the baby, I did, and you didn’t and you got your wish because it’s gone…it’s just dead and-…” She crumbled to the ground before him and bundled her knees up against her chest as she sobbed against the cold tile floor that lay under them.

He hesitantly dropped down before her, and reached out a soft hand to touch her arm. He was scared she would pull away again, but he chanced it, he didn’t know how else to help her. Her skin felt so cold under his touch and he had the sudden instinct to warm her up, to hold her until she didn’t ache anymore. He became more brazen and wrapped his arm around her neck pulling her body into his. She was tense at first and he thought about releasing her, but after a while she relaxed into him and brought her own arms to wrap around him holding him even tighter against her.

“I don’t know why this had to happen to us.” She cried into his shoulder over and over. He didn’t know what to say to her to make her feel better, he didn’t know if anything could ever fix the pain that was inhabiting her voice, her body, everything she was.

“I don’t either,” he admitted, his own voice ragged with unshed tears. She pulled back, her face red and raw from her sobs, and she brushed her hands onto his face forcing him to look at her. “I’m sorry I didn’t get there in time-” he began tortured.

“No,” she shook her head back and forth repeatedly, “No, Nathan you couldn’t have- there was nothing you could have done. You saved me you know, like I knew you would.” Another sob wracked her small frame placing a familiar ache in her body once more. She smiled a little as he turned back to her, she could tell he was trying to smile, trying to do anything to comfort her. And for a few seconds the anger that had inhabited her whole being just faded. “When I saw you out there, when I opened my eyes and I knew you were there with me…” she leaned in brushing her lips against his for a brief moment and smiled softly at him before continuing, “I knew it was okay. That you would save me.”

“Just not our baby.” He shot back and he pulled away from her, letting his body rest back against the cabinets, his head hung low. He’d never felt worse in his life. All day he’d seen the recrimination in her eyes, she’d blamed him for this, and he knew she was right to. But now here she was once again trying to make things right for him, it was the worst feeling in the world.

“Maybe it wasn’t meant to be…” she choked out and the words seemed wrong on her tongue. She didn’t know what God had planned for her, but she couldn’t imagine how taking her baby away from her before she even got to know it served the greater good. She didn’t know how he could put this pain in her soul and expect her to get up every morning.

“It should have been.” He whispered back as their eyes locked. He reached his hand out to brush across her cheek and for a moment she let it linger. But like lightening the moment flashed by in an instant and she recoiled pulling herself together again and finding her footing. He did the same and they stood before each other frozen with anticipation of what was to come.

“You sure you don’t mind if Peyton and Brooke stay?” She questioned as if the previous moment never existed. He nodded numbly and she walked back out of the door as he stared back into the mirror, his red eyes identical to hers.

Chapter 36

Without love there are no dream.

”You and I are my dream.” He whispered into her ear as they laid together in their brand new penthouse. Nathan had signed the papers that morning and they‘d had the new mattress they‘d picked out delivered a few hours earlier. They‘d decided furniture or not they were staying there for the night and christening the place as their own.

“I know.” She smiled and curled further into his arms, taking his arms and pulling them tighter around her. She hadn‘t wanted to move at first, she liked their little apartment, they were in a safe neighborhood close to Peyton and Luke, she didn‘t want anything to change. But once again Nathan had convinced her to take the leap and she was so glad he did. For the first time it felt like they had a real home, a place they could throw dinner parties, have their families stay when they were in town and eventually raise their children.

She twisted over beside him so they were face to face, and brushed her fingers softly against his stumbled cheek. She loved the feel of his skin under her fingers, it felt like a live current was running through her, and she just wanted more and more.

“I used to dream about you.” She admitted and she rolled her eyes at the prideful smirk that snuck up on his lips. Sometimes he could be so cocky, she didn‘t let him know it but it was kind of cute to her now…it kind of always had been.

“Oh yeah, what did you dream?” He asked placing kisses up and down her neck. She was so soft, everything about her, her skin, her smile, her voice. He could lay there with her forever, just taking her in.

“It‘s stupid.” She shook him off leaning into his face, and dropping her lips to his own. She‘d been kissed by a few people in her life, but none compared to Nathan. Each time it felt like he was touching her soul or something, this giddy feeling just rose up in her and nothing could push it back down.

“Tell me.” He ordered seriously pushing a stray stand of her hair out of her face, so he could see her eyes shining back at him in the moonlight.

“We were on an island-”

“An island?” He chuckled.

She swatted at him, “Shut up and let me tell it,” she smiled as he threw his hands up in mock surrender. She leaned back into his embrace and closed her eyes remembering the far off place she used to travel to. “We were on this island, like a deserted island, except we wanted to be there, it was just you and me and the beach. We‘d play all day and sleep in each others arms at night…it was paradise.”

“So what you‘re telling me is I need to buy you a private island and then I can play with you all day?” He teased.

She turned to him again just taking him in. Sometimes she could hardly believe they‘d made it. There were so many things standing in their way, so many people they had to fight to get where they were but they‘d made it.

“Just you and me. That’s my dream.” She whispered before he pulled her to him crushing his body against her own as she buried her head in his neck. She wanted to feel like that forever, safe and loved.

~*~

Haley rubbed her hands tiredly through her hair as she waited for the coffee to finish brewing. It was three am in the morning and she couldn’t sleep. Peyton and Brooke had taken one of their guest rooms earlier, while Nathan took the other and she kept the bedroom. It wasn’t something she asked of him, but she knew as well as he did, that if he hadn’t have done it on his own, she would have asked. She couldn’t sleep as it was, being even closer to him would only agitate her more.

Earlier for a few moments she’d felt close to Nathan again. She didn’t feel like her heart was being ripped apart at the seams. For one moment she had some kind of peace, it still hurt thinking of their baby, but it was a different kind of pain when she shared it with him it was more bearable. But the moment had faded and once again that screaming inside her head had started up again. And it kept saying one thing, run. She was tempted to grab her coat and walk out of there right then, away from him and his guilt, away from the blame she wished she wasn’t putting on him. But he was her husband, this was her life and she felt bound to it. Not in a good way like it was before, it felt like she was chained in hell and no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t get free.

“Can’t sleep?” Came a small voice from behind her. She didn’t have to turn around to know it was Brooke. They hadn’t spoken much since she’d been released to the hospital, every time Brooke had come around Haley had made some excuse about being tired, or she’d made small talk. Anything to avoid the truth hanging between them now. Brooke was pregnant, she was going to have a little baby, and Haley had lost hers.

She didn’t want to be jealous of Brooke, and she definitely didn’t wish any ill will on her. She wanted Brooke to have a healthy little baby and live out the safe perfect life Haley had always dreamed of. But she couldn’t watch it, she couldn’t force herself to turn around and see a life growing inside Brooke. Not when she knew a few days before she had that too and it was gone.

“Yeah, I guess.” Haley managed to muster up as she pulled a mug out of the cabinet. She thought about offering Brooke a cup, but then realized it was caffeine, something she could have, something Brooke couldn’t. Her stomach clinched in pain, she would have given coffee up, she would have given up her glass of wine before dinner, she would have given anything…

“Should I leave you alone, should I bug you-” Brooke began rambling and Haley could tell her voice was about to break with tears. Brooke had this ultra tough girl persona, but underneath she was one of the most empathetic people Haley had ever met in her life. “I shouldn’t be saying these things to you…” Brooke trailed off and Haley could hear her bare feet begin to pad back out of the kitchen.

“It doesn’t matter,” Haley called out to her and forced herself to turn around. She could see the bulge poking out from Brooke’s nightshirt and she couldn’t stop herself from flinching. Seeing was believing. “it doesn’t matter what you say Brooke,” Haley continued, “because nothing is going to change what happened. Not you’re sympathy or Nathan’s guilt, not even my pain…it’s just there, something that happened that I have to deal with.”

Haley knew she sounded harsh, but her reality was harsh. There was a cold place inside of her now, a void that just wouldn’t be filled. No matter how hard she cried, or how many times she begged God to just take it away, it was still there, eating at her, consuming her. Soon she figured she wouldn’t even exist as herself, she would just be this bitter woman, too angry to love someone, to closed off to be loved by anyone. This was the rest of her life now.

“I-” Brooke’s face crumbled with emotion and Haley could hear the beginnings of a sob escaping her lips. Haley stayed still where she was trying to stop the tears from forming in her own eyes, she wouldn’t cry, she was so tired of crying. Brooke came towards her, giving no thought to personal space. She grabbed for Haley forcing her body to press against her own.

Haley bit her lip still trying to stop her tears. She could feel the baby inside of Brooke, it was like it’s life was radiating off of her. And it hurt it hurt so much to know it wasn’t hers. It was hers for a second, for a single second she had it and now it was just gone and it wasn’t fair! It wasn’t fair to give her that, to give her, her dream, and then take it. She had a husband and a baby and a life! And it was GONE!

Her body began to shake in Brooke’s embrace as tears finally escaped her eyes. She just wanted that life so badly and it wasn’t there anymore. It was taken from her, and she just wanted it.

“I…” she began but she couldn’t finish as another sob wracked her body.

“I know.” Brooke promised as she ran her fingers through Haley’s hair.

“I just wanted it so bad,” Haley sobbed, choked by her admission, “I wanted it so bad. I wanted to love it….I would have loved it-”

“I know.” Brooke continued to shake in her own sobs as they held onto each other for dear life. Haley couldn’t speak anymore, she just cried, she just cried and screamed into Brooke’s embrace, when it left her throat it was barely a whisper, but inside it was a rage, and she just kept screaming, over and over trying purge herself.

“I loved it so much.” Her voice broke in and out as she continued to cry and Brooke pulled back from her trying to settle her tear stained face. Haley finally regained a small piece of her control and let her eyes rest on Brooke’s were tired and bloodshot as well.

“I wish I could help you,” Brooke tried to keep her own emotions in reign so she could speak, “that this hadn’t happened to you and to Nathan. Because it’s so wrong Haley,” Brooke was shaking with anger as she spoke, “I keep thinking that God had to have a reason, that there had to be some kind of plan…but then I see you and I don’t understand…I just-” Brooke stopped herself, and dropped her hand down to her tummy to rub it. “You must hate me…I would hate me.”

Haley shook her head with a short laugh, “I could never hate you Brooke…I…” Haley stumbled for the right words to say, “what you have is a gift, something so special, I envy you, but I would never wish you didn’t have it.” Tears sprung up in her eyes again and this time she didn’t try to conceal them, “It just hurts to see.”

“Maybe I should give you some room then…you have enough to deal with you know.”

Haley wanted to tell Brooke she was wrong, that she wanted her to stay. But she couldn’t. She knew that seeing Brooke every morning, watching that little life grow inside of her would only remind her what she had lost, and she didn’t need anymore reminders. What she needed was a way to forget.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered as Brooke began to walk back out of the room. Brooke whipped around to face her again, and her an understanding smile spread out across her lips. And then she nodded before creeping back into the bedroom she was sharing with Peyton.

The coffee timer dinged and Haley finally poured herself up a cup. She looked at the steaming brown liquid for a moment before dumping it out in the sink and turning off the lights she’d put on in the kitchen. She stood there for a moment, remembering little moments that had went on before in that kitchen. She remembered convincing Nathan that they didn’t need a plumber, she could unclog the sink herself and then flooding the whole place costing them even more money. She remembered the sweet old lady in the apartments across the street always sending her a kind smile in the morning when she had to get up with Nathan and fix him breakfast before early morning practice. There were so many happy moments in there. There were sad moments too, when she’d kicked Nathan out for that excruciating night after they’d had a five hour fight about him never being home. They’d both crumbled in their resolve and the next morning she’d found him sitting at their table, his eyes full out puppy dog begging her to forgive him. He didn’t have to beg though, she was ready and willing to put it all behind them. That had been the loneliest night of her life…up until now.

She remembered laying in their bed and just staring up at the ceiling, praying that she would fall asleep soon. She tried not to think about Nathan, but the harder she tried the more she thought about him. She thought about the way he kissed her, sometimes it was full out all consuming passionate kisses, mostly lust. Then there were the intense ones, where he made her feel like she was his saving grace. She liked those the best, knowing you were someone’s whole world…there was nothing like it. And then sometimes there was the just because kisses, those were special. They were quick, not all consuming or spectacular, but for some reason they made her feel more loved than all the rest. Like he just did it because he wanted to, not to get into her pants, not because he needed her to breathe, but just because he wanted to.

She started towards her bedroom when she passed the room she knew Nathan was saying in. She stopped and leaned her head against the door, closing her eyes for a brief moment. She wasn’t sure if she believed in all the cosmic connection crap Peyton was always spewing, but if it was real, she was hoping she could connect with Nathan now. Even if he was asleep, even if he didn’t even know, she just wanted to feel his warmth. She waited, and she waited but there was nothing, just a cold wooden door unmoved by her pain.

She started to walk away but she couldn’t. Instead she went right back up to the door and this time she opened it, slipping in and then shutting it behind her. She wasn’t surprised to find Nathan sleeping, he could sleep through anything, she wished she could as well. Slowly she crept towards him taking in the sight of him as the moonlight streamed through the window. His hair was tousled like it always was, caused by hours of twisting and turning in bed, he couldn’t stay still to save his life. She smiled at the thought, she used to have to kick him in the middle of the night just to settle him down, she’d even given him a bruise once, which he didn’t find quite as amusing as she did.

She continued on towards the bed. Part of her wanted to run out of there and go bury herself in her own comforter, but she knew in the back of her mind, she knew that a comforter wouldn’t give her what he could. It couldn’t make her feel loved, or safe, or even warm at the point she was at.

“Nathan,” she jostled him as she reached him. He didn’t move, so she leaned down closer and shook him a little more. “Nathan.” She said his name again, and his eyes slowly began to open. At first he smiled up at her, but then he sobered up and his face took on the same mask she’d seen on him for days. She wanted to laugh, Nathan was imitating Dan Scott, trying to be a brick wall protect her the way he thought he should.

“Is something wrong, are you okay?” He questioned jutting upright and grabbing onto her arms. She didn’t tense at his touch this time, and her mind didn’t immediately race to the “its his fault” thoughts that had inhabited her since he’d told her about the baby…their baby.

“I don’t want to be alone.” She whispered, and he moved over in the bed offering her the space beside him. She made no move to join him, instead she reached out for his hand and took it in her own. “Come with me.”

“Haley, are you sure…” He questioned unsure of her request. He knew they couldn’t do anything, not for a while, the doctor had said they’d have to wait at least two weeks before having sex again, but that had been the least of his worries then.

“I just want you to hold me.” She admitted with a shy smile that nearly broke his heart where he laid. When he first met her his favorite thing about her was her innocence, she believed in goodness like nobody else he had ever met. She smiled brighter, laughed harder, she was more alive than everyone he knew. And even through everything that happened to her, she stayed that way. She’d kept that innocence, that belief and it lived in her eyes. He had watched it die in that hospital room when he’d told her about their baby. And he never thought he’d see it again, but in that moment, her hair falling around her face, her eyelashes blinking away tears she didn’t want him to know she was shedding. He saw a sliver of it, a little piece of that hope.

He let her guide him down the hall and into their bed, where she wrapped his arms around her like she’d done so many times before. She turned to face him their eyes locking in the small shot of light that was crashing through the window preventing them from staying in total darkness.

“I love you.” She whispered softly as he held her.

“You’re still my dream.” He returned in the same hushed tone she had used. And she was, she would always be his dream.

Chapter 37

If the rain comes, they run and hide their heads

Nathan laid completely still in bed beside Haley, afraid if he moved she would wake up and they would once again fall back into the silence he’d grown accustomed to over the past few days. He didn’t know what to expect when she’d come to him in the middle of the night. But he knew he would have done anything she asked, anything she needed and couldn’t ask for at all. It was easier focusing on Haley’s pain, when he thought about her she became his world, and all of his thoughts, his own hurt it just faded away. At least when he was with her, because like always she made everything okay for him. And the funny thing was she didn’t even have to say anything, all she had to do was lay next to him in bed, all she had to do was breathe.

He leaned over her and stared down at her face. He used to watch her sleep all the time, it was one of the perks of having an early practice he got to start his morning off with a vision of her peaceful face. And before that horrible night in the mountains she had always been peaceful. He could see now whatever she was dreaming wasn’t happy, there were lines on her face that had never been there before, and her mouth was twisted in an unreadable expression. He thought about waking her up, but he knew it was hard for Haley to sleep now a days, the few hours she did get she needed. Besides he was a selfish man, and he knew waking her up would mean giving her up again and he wasn’t ready yet.

It was raining outside, not a hard storm, just a constant rain. He’d been up for the past hour and it hadn’t stopped yet, it just kept on pouring. He always loved it when it rained in the morning, it kept the sun out of the room for longer which allowed him to sleep later, it seemed to be working for Haley too.

Suddenly their phone began ringing jolting him out of his thoughts. He jerked away from her scooping up the offensive object as fast as he could hoping it wouldn’t wake her. He caught a glimpse at the clock and realized it was nearly nine in the morning, much later than he thought it was.

“Hello?” He grumbled into the phone. He didn’t feel like talking to anyone right now, all he wanted to do was lay beside his wife.

“Nathan,” It was Brian. He liked Brian, whether Haley believed him or not, he really was the least smarmy agent Nathan had ever met. Still he didn’t even want to talk to him no matter what crisis he’d come up with for that day. “Hey, I just wanted to make sure you were ready to get back to practice tomorrow, I know it’s a tough time right now-”

“I’ll be there.” Nathan cut him off gruffly. Before Brian could respond Nathan hung up the phone and turned to look back at Haley who was no longer asleep, she was just staring back up at him. “Sorry…” He whispered regretfully, and she didn’t say anything, but she didn’t make a move to leave either. He took that as a good sign and leaned down to press a gentle kiss to her lips. He didn’t quite make it there before she turned her head dodging him completely. He pulled back stung and began to climb out of the bed.

“Nathan wait-” she grabbed onto his arm keeping him in place beside her. He turned back to her and she could see he was frustrated and she didn’t blame him. She was really trying to get back to the place they were before, but it was going to take her time, she hoped he could understand that. “I just need time, okay?…please Nathan.”

He nodded silently from beside her, but didn’t make a move to leave, instead he dropped back down on the pillow beside her. They laid there for a few minutes before she found his hand beside her and interlaced their fingers. She was going to take it one step at a time.

~*~

Peyton lounged on the couch as she flipped through the morning cartoons, she knew she had to get back to her studio at some point, but she wasn’t sure leaving Haley there alone was such a good idea. Nathan was going back to practice soon, and Brooke had already made arrangements to go back to Florida. And Lucas…Peyton didn’t know what to think about Lucas, he had been acting so weird around her since she woke up in the hospital. She really hadn’t had much time to think about since things were so bad with Haley and Nathan, but it had begun to weigh on her mind.

Hesitantly she grabbed for the phone and dialed his number, she was hoping his answering machine would pick up and she could leave some brief message which left the ball in his court, she didn’t like having to deal with everything herself, she didn’t feel up to it yet, she wasn’t sure if she ever would.

“Hello?” His groggy voice came through the line and she couldn’t help the smile that lit her lips. She remembered his morning voice, she used to wake up to it every day, he’d lean in and kiss her trying to wake her up and when that didn’t work he’d steal all the covers and pull them to the floor. She wasn’t sure if that was to wake her up or to give him a pleasurable view either way it had been their morning ritual for a long time, before everything got screwed up.

“Hey, it’s me.” She nearly whispered into the phone. She’d didn’t know why she was speaking so low, Haley and Nathan were closed off in their rooms and Brooke was already up and showering for her afternoon flight. Still every time she talked to Lucas, she lost her strength. She wondered if that wasn’t already a sign they should never be.

“Hi,” and it warmed her heart at how happy he seemed it was her. “how are you?”

“Tired,” she answered honestly. She hadn’t slept much the night before thinking about Nathan and Haley losing their baby, and her and Lucas and their big fat mess, in fact she barely got a few hours before Brooke woke her up getting all her things together. “But okay. I keep forgetting I’m all banged up-”

“You should be careful.” He cut in concerned for her health.

“Lucas we kind of left things, unresolved- or maybe we didn’t and that’s just my imagine, if so tell me now and put me out of my misery-”

“Peyton we should talk about this in person, there are a lot of things I want to tell you- I need to say to you…Peyton you still there?” He questioned after a few moments of silence passed between them.

“Yeah…I think I’m going to go back to my studio later today after I talk to Haley. We could meet there- you could come over or if-”

“No, that sounds perfect. I’ll be there around seven…” silence once again lingered between them. “…hey Peyt?”

“Yeah?” She returned and her voice was hopeful for the first time in a longtime with Lucas, which made her nervous. She’d been there before with Lucas, and it always seemed to end with her heart bleeding all over the sidewalk. She wasn’t ready for another massacre.

“I just- I can’t wait to see you.”

“Me too.” She replied honestly and then finally hung up the phone. Brooke appeared out of the bathroom a few minutes later and Peyton could tell she’d been eavesdropping. That kid of hers was in so much trouble if it thought it was hiding anything from mommy-dearest, Peyton had been trying for years and had yet to be successful.

“So you and Lucas meeting at you place…at night…I smell romance.” Brooke smiled down at Peyton with a knowing smile. She’d seen Lucas when he found out Peyton was in that hospital, she’d watched him sit vigil beside her, and like always she’d seen the love in his eyes. It had been their since high school and no matter how many times both of her friends tried to deny it that love had always been their and Brooke was confident it always would be.

“Funny,” Peyton turned to her with a sarcastic tone, “I smell disaster.”

“You were just in the hospital you’re all out of whack, I’m not and I know what I heard, I heard the beginnings of a much needed reunion between two of my best friends-”

“Brooke-” Peyton tried to stop her feeling uneasy about her speaking about their relationship in that manner again. They were far from a reunion as far as Peyton knew, they were just talking. He would probably suggest they work on their friendship like he always did, and she would suck it up and play along because it was what he wanted.

“Look, I know it’s hard to have faith in anything right now,” Brooke lowered her voice and pointed back towards Nathan and Haley’s bedroom, “especially with what happened on that mountain- but you can’t just give up, not after everything we’ve all been through-”

“Exactly,” Peyton broke in with conviction, “look at all of the crap that we’ve been through, and where did it get us huh? It got Nathan and Haley miles apart mourning a child they should have had, it’s gotten Luke and I to this same place over and over again, completely miserable and disillusioned- I just can’t do it anymore Brooke. I am tired of believing that things will just work out when I know they won’t-”

“Peyton I know more than anyone what you have been through in your life. Losing your mother, losing Lucas- and it sucks okay, it was unfair and it sucked. But what would suck even more was if you just gave up. You want to talk about Nathan and Haley, okay lets talk about them- they went through hell to be together, and yeah things are bad right now, but I know, I know in my heart that they will find a way to be okay. Because Haley came off that mountain alive, and that alone makes me believe God had something more for her. And you did to Peyt, you came out alive and now you and Lucas have a chance to start over and make it right…” Brooke came and sat beside Peyton on the couch, brushing her unruly hair away. “Don’t run away from this Peyton, not this time.”

Peyton smiled meekly across at her, “I don’t know if I can handle him walking away again- and that’s the only other alternative I see.”

Brooke’s heart broke from her friend, she knew Lucas was done running from Peyton, she just knew it. But she could see she wasn’t going to be the one to convince her friend, Lucas was going to have to do that himself. She just hoped he didn’t chicken out like all the times before.

~*~

Haley, Peyton and Brooke sat at the kitchen counter waiting impatiently for Nathan to finish making them breakfast. Haley had offered to call out, but he’d said he needed something to keep him busy and she knew that feeling all too well so she relented. Now she was just afraid he would burn the place down.

“Come on Nathan,” Brooke joked, “should I cancel my flight?”

“Good food takes time.” He shot back and she just rolled her eyes good-naturedly.

“You don’t have to go Brooke,” Haley tried again. She couldn’t believe she’d actually made one of her oldest and dearest friends feel like they weren’t welcome in her home, she felt terrible about it. Especially after she’d found out from Tim how amazing Brooke had been with Nathan when he’d found out about the baby. It was something only a true friend would do. “I don’t want you to go-” she tried, but Brooke just waved her off with a calming smile.

“I have things to get back to, namely a husband who just can’t live without me- besides I think you guys could use a little alone time.”

“You get right to the point.” Nathan chuckled as he sat Brooke’s plate down in front of her. He knew in order of importance he should probably go with the crazy pregnant lady first, then his wife and then Peyton, because she had more bark than bite.

“That I do,” Brooke agreed as she began digging into her food. Nathan was no Jake, but it was at least edible. She turned to see Peyton and Haley watching her in wonder and just shrugged her shoulders, she was pregnant it was her right to eat. “it’s passable Nathan.” She called to him and he just nodded.

“Well I’m taking you to the airport.” Haley insisted, but noticed that Peyton, Brooke and Nathan seemed to cringe at the suggestion. “What?” They were beginning to worry her.

“Umm…” Peyton hedged and Brooke just turned her eyes downward. Haley looked up to Nathan who grabbed for the morning paper and wordlessly dropped it in front of her.

There on the front pages was the headline “Knicks star player loses baby in freak accident!”. Her heart dropped, and tears sprung to her eyes. She couldn’t believe that they’d actually objectified such a painful experience in her life. The tears subsided quickly though and were replaced by complete rage.

“How did they find out?” She gritted out trying to keep her anger in check. Things were already shaky with her and Nathan, but she’s consciously decided to work on it. Her resolve was slipping away with this new obstacle.

“I don’t know.” He shook his head, and she could see he honestly had no idea and hated it almost as much as she did. The anger that had sprung up towards him cooled, and she nodded her head in acceptance of his answer.

“They probably tracked down your hospital records or something…” Brooke offered logically.

“Great, now the whole world knows before I even get to tell my parents- sometimes I just hate this city.” She pushed the paper away and began heading back towards her bedroom, Nathan hot on her heels.

He didn’t bother shutting the door behind them, hoping he could calm her down pretty quickly. He hated that it was out in the open, for her, because he knew it was so sensitive still. To him it didn’t matter if people knew or not, it just was, and he was trying to find a way to deal with it.

“Hey come on, c’mere-” She was ripping through her drawers in a vicious manner. He tried to stop her, but she was intent on getting whatever she was looking for. “Haley what are you doing?”

“I’m taking Brooke to the airport Nathan, I need to get dressed.-”

“Haley don’t go out there,” he tried. When he’d gone out that morning to the corner store, he’d been mobbed by all the reporters who wanted an exclusive. They were unrelenting with their questions, and harsh. “reporters are all over-”

“I’m not going to let them trap me in my house.” She shot back as she pulled out her black jogging suit and began to change into it quickly. He didn’t want her to go out there and freeze up because he knew that would only serve to push them further with their questions. He wanted to protect her from all of that, but it was clear she wasn’t going to let him. She began heading towards the door, but stopped before she got there and turned back to him, resting her hands over his folded arms.

“I know you’re worried Nathan, but I’ll be fine. Everybody already knows, they can’t throw anything at me I won’t be expecting-”

“Don’t do this to yourself, it’s not worth it.” He pleaded with her, and their eyes locked for a moment where he thought she might be listening. But the moment passed, she sent him a tight smile and headed back for Peyton and Brooke.

Chapters 38 - 42

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