Walkaway Joe
By Whitney
Chapter 19
"Haley?" Luke called out again shooting her a worried glance.
This was it.
Did she jump or did she walk away.
Her stomach was rumbling with fear and her fingers were trembling. She wasn't ready to make this decision, she could have gone her whole life and not have been ready for this decision. She tried to regulate her breathing, she tried to will the tears from springing up in her eyes. But it was useless.
She was terrified.
Nathan approached her carefully as the others walked further down the docks contemplating their own jump. There was so much uncertainty about everything before her, it was making her sick.
Very sick. In fact she was pretty sure she was having a panic attack. What 18 old girl had panic attacks? She was about to faint right there, or at the very least pull out her hair.
"You okay?"
Nathan watched her carefully. She could see he had no idea why she was so freaked out. And why would he, she'd made it clear that things were over between them. She'd even made him think that she was okay with how things turned out. But she wasn't okay and she knew she had to tell him the truth.
"No...I don't think I am."
There, she said it.
"Haley you don't have to do it if you don't want to, we were just joking around."
Sometimes boys were so clue less.
She shook her head to tell him he was off base about her complaint. She'd gotten that far, she wasn't going to turn back now. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe they're talk and everything would work itself out.
It had to, because this was all she had left.
"I'm not talking about jumping-or I am, but not off the bridge-Do you ever just get confused?"
"Right now." He replied truthfully.
"Nathan I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"Of us. Of losing you. I mean for so long you've been everything to me. But when we broke up, you know I just kind of accepted it.- I mean- God I don't know what I mean!-"
Nathan reached out to touch her face, but she shied away. They couldn't use a quick fix this time, she couldn't let them. Because tomorrow she was still going to be in pain, she was still going to be miserable.
"Haley I don't know what you want me to say." His voice was pleading, confused.
"I want everything to be okay again. I want us to be okay. I want to be with you."
"We both agreed-"
"Is this what you want? Because if it isn't, if you even remotely want to be with me, have a future with me, then we have to figure it out. We have to find some kind of compromise."
"And if we can't?"
"Then come graduation, you walk one way, I walk the other and we become some distant high school memory."
They stayed silent for a moment, both contemplating the choice before him. She wanted to put it all on him, it was a selfish impulse, but she never wanted to have to decide this, she never did. But she knew the only way it would work was if they decided together. Just as she was about to speak, he broke in.
"This is what I know...I can't walk away from you. Not after graduation, not anytime. I never wanted to, but I didn't want to hold you back either. These last few weeks have killed me. I never wanted to make you cry Haley and it feels like that's all I've done. So I can walk away if that's what makes you happy, and I'll follow you if that's what you want, because I can be okay, as long as you are."
After he finished his speech he turned his face down bashfully. She was sure why he would be nervous. She'd never in her life heard something more beautiful. It was like a gift he'd given her, suddenly she saw how he felt about her, she felt it.
And yet a heavier weight was laid upon her. Now it truly was up to her. He had handed her his life, now she just had to decide. And she didn't have a clue.
"So are we jumping or not?"
Could she jump.
Reassuringly he reached out for her hand and rubbed his thumb across it soothingly. It felt nice, it felt so good she could hardly breathe. That sick feeling from earlier was once again with her, her hands were trembling, her heart was racing.
This was it.
"I love you." Tears were now falling down her cheeks as she watched him helplessly.
She felt like she was outside of her own body, watching someone else's world. Maybe the pain of her answer was too much, maybe she'd finally broken. But she couldn't jump with him, she couldn't put that much faith in him. Or maybe she just couldn't put that much faith in herself.
"I love you too." He watched, a hope in his eyes that ripped her own heart out.
How did you break the person that meant most in the world to you. How did you tell them that you loved them, just not enough. It was like a train wreck and she just wanted to get off. She wanted to go back to a time when it didn't feel like this, when she couldn't even imagine something feeling like this. She wanted to sob, she wanted to run, she wanted so badly to just bury herself in him. A silent sob billowed in her chest, but she wouldn't let it out. She closed her eyes, finally letting the unspoken tears flow from her eyes.
When she opened them she could see he had already walked away. His retreating figure was barely visible in the moonlight. Once again he sacrificed for her, he let her go and didn't make her say it. He didn't say the things he had every right to say. She was a coward, she was a hypocrite, she-
"Nathan!"
He kept walking.
"Nathan!" She called out again.
She loved him.
He still kept walking.
"I wanna jump!"
For the first time in forever she could breathe.
She felt free.
It felt right.
"Nathan, I LOVE YOU!"
Finally he turned back to look at her, still he made no move to walk towards her. She wasn't interested in walking anyway, she wanted to say everything she had to say now, she wanted to finally be free. So she ran, as fast as her legs would take her and she landed with a thud against his chest.
"Haley go home. Write your speech, go live your life. It's what you want, I saw that.-"
"Nathan I-"
"No listen to me. You have to go live your life."
She couldn't hide the smile that was playing on her lips. In her huge battle to get Nathan to see what a good person, she hadn't really seen it herself. Sure she loved him, but she loved the person he was in the beginning, she'd been oblivious to the man he'd become.
"You find this funny?" He was irritated.
"Yes.- I mean, you don't get it. I love you. I mean I love and I don't care what we have to do to be together. I don't care if we have to live in a box in some terrible town where nobody knows us. Because I'd be with you.-"
"You know I have a trust fund? It won't come to that-"
"- I don't care if I never see the inside of Harvard or Yale or if they blacklist me. I just don't care! I don't care if we jump off this bridge and never stop falling. Because I know you'd be with me Nathan. I know it! And I wanna be with you, more than college, more than anything, I want to wake up with you in the morning and go to bed with you at night. Because the times I am most at peace are when I'm watching you. Whether your sleeping, or your smiling, I just love looking at you, knowing your looking at me. That you see me, that you respect me...that you love me."
She stopped to take a breath and opened her mouth to speak again, but he silenced her with his finger.
"I get it." The most beautiful smile lifted across his face.
"Do you?" She questioned.
"Yeah."
She smiled, the first real smile she'd ever felt in her entire life.
"So we'll find a way."
"Hey, I'd even live in a box for you."
Relief flooded throughout her body as he pulled her into a hug she never wanted to end. This was right, this was the future. She pulled back slowly so she could look into his eyes, they mirrored the peace she knew he found in hers.
From further down the dock the rest of the gang waited impatiently.
"Are you guys coming?" Brooke screamed obviously ready to get to it.
Haley reached out for Nathan's hand and drug him the rest of the way down the docks to the bench where everyone was waiting. She could tell they were curious about what had just happened. And she would tell them, she couldn't escape it, she, Peyton and Brooke had become gal pals, it was like a rule you had to spill your guts. So she would tell them, but right now she was ready to jump.
"We’re coming. Let's jump."
They each wobbled onto the wooden banister, nervous glances passing between them fast and furious. Brooke looked sick to her stomach, but she was still smiling that special Brooke smile. Peyton and Luke were too lost in each other's gazes to even notice the rippling water beneath them. Haley was sure she heard a few quiet ILY's passed between them. Tim seemed content to stare at Brooke, God knew what was going through his head, Jake just looked happy to be there.
And then there was Nathan, his hand warmly clasped within hers. They didn't need to look at one another to know what they were feeling. This was it, this was everything they'd been searching for and never knew they had all along.
This was love.
In a whirl they all let go, their bodies crash into the oceans with excited screams.
And the end of everything had begun.
And so had the beginning.
Chapter 20
"You're so beautiful."
I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
Haley couldn't hide the smile that lit her face as she sat across the seat from Nathan. It was nearly one o'clock in the morning and they'd just left the docks. Peyton and Luke had went their own way, Tim and Jake offered to drive Brooke and finally Nathan and Haley had some time alone. Not that she didn't enjoy the evening with her friends. She was pretty sure she'd never had so much fun in her life, even if the night would leave her with a cold for the rest of the week.
You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there.
Still she was practically giddy when they moment finally came for her and Nathan to be alone together again. She had so much she wanted to say to him, so many things she wanted to figure out. But sitting mere feet away from him had erased all reason from her brain and all she could think about was being in his arms.
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew
He'd stopped out in front of her house and now it was the two of them. The radio was playing some melodic tune that totally brought the intimacy of the situation to the fore front. They'd sat in silence for a while, until Nathan finally turned to her, joy brimming from his body. She knew it reflected her own happiness.
A stranger's light comes on slowly
A stranger's heart without a home
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart
"I missed you. God I don't think I've ever missed something more in my life. It was so hard to see you and not be with you, to not be in your arms. I thought I was going to lose my mind." She admitted.
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew
His hand slid across the seat to connect with hers. They were both clammy and wet, but still it felt like heaven, any kind of contact with Nathan felt like perfection. Slowly she slid closer to him, so her head could rest on his shoulder. She needed to feel him next to her and know it was all real.
"I never wanted to hurt you. I just couldn't figure out a way for us to stay together and still get everything we wanted- I thought I could let you go for your own sake. But I guess I'm far too selfish."
"Yeah so was I. I actually thought about asking you to stay or come with me."
The thought lingered in the car. They wanted to be together, they planned to be together, but still the question of how persisted. They were at the same place they were before they jumped, all the love in the world, just no solution on how to keep it. It was like he could read her thoughts, because suddenly he turned to face her completely.
"We'll find a way Haley. I won't lose you."
She nodded, not entirely sure she believed him. But she wasn't ready to go back to the dark place she'd lived in for the past two-weeks, they'd figure it out, they'd have to.
"I love you." She whispered softly.
Gently he pulled her hand up to his lips and softly kissed it. She was all about the chivalry, but it felt like forever since he kissed her, properly kissed her. Once again he read her mind, because instantly he pulled her body closer to his and brought his lips down upon hers. She could practically taste the ocean salt on them, as she was sure he could taste it on her own lips.
A loud knock on the window jolted them apart and Nathan quickly rolled down the window to see what it was.
Uh oh.
Parental unit. One very pissed off mother. Haley wasn't sure why she was so mad, they were long past the time of curfews and calling unless she was going to be super late and it was barely one. Which left one thing that would make her mother this angry, the fact that she was shacked up in a truck with Nathan Scott. Her mother had already had a hissy fit earlier in the day when she drove his vehicle home, but this was even worse Haley realized.
"Mom." Haley greeted nervously from the other side of the truck, she'd put as much space between her and Nathan as she could.
"Mrs. James." Nathan nodded in her direction guiltily.
Haley had never seen Nathan fear anyone the way he feared her mother. Oh well, she thought, the boy would just have to get used to it, because she wasn't letting him go anytime soon. And as for her mother, well what her mother didn't see wouldn't hurt her and Haley was about to be off at college.
"May I ask what the two of you are doing out here, it's nearly two in the morning."
Haley took a quick glance at the clock and smiled, it was 1:15, hardly two o'clock, but her mother was the supreme drama queen.
"We were just-uh-" Nathan tripped all over himself to explain.
"We’re back together." Haley stated matter-of-factly.
She realized immediately she should have eased the news upon her mother easily, because suddenly Mrs. James's face was ghost white and she looked like she was going to explode. Nathan instinctively scooted a little closer to Haley.
But out of the blue her mother recovered. Her coloring went back to normal, her facial features returned to a peaceful, yet disapproving calm and she began to walk away from the car. Still without a single word uttered at their news.
"Mom?" Haley called out.
She didn't stop.
"Mother!" She screamed out a bit more annoyed and Mrs. James finally turned around.
"Yes?" She returned calmly.
"That's all you have to say?"
"No Haley, I have plenty to say. But I intend to say it when you are in my house, where you'll listen to me instead of worrying about Nathan's feelings. Because I promise you both, neither of you will like what I have to SAY." She snipped off her last word and walked the rest of the way in the house.
Suddenly Haley felt sick to her stomach. Why did everything in her life have to be filled with strife? It just wasn't fair. She knew her mother didn't like Nathan, but she'd never even tried to. It also didn't help when she found out they were sleeping together. If the conversation she had planned for tonight was anything like that one, Haley wanted to go crawl into a hole.
Nathan sensed her tension and pulled her into a soggy hug.
"Please tell me life is going to get easier for us somewhere down the line." She groaned.
"Yeah, well if you think what you're going to have to hear is bad, wait until I have to tell my father. I'm sure he'll be oh-so pleased."
Haley laughed at the sudden grimace upon Nathan's face. They were stuck in similar situations, one parent liked the other and supported the relationship and the other hated them and the relationship. They just couldn't win. At least Deb would probably be up to support Nathan and tell Dan to get over it. Haley's father was probably long gone into slumber and she was going to have to deal with her mother all along.
"Well I should probably go in there, before she comes back out here and drags me out by my hair." She was only half-kidding.
Nathan nodded knowingly and brought her in for one last kiss. She let it linger a moment, partly to stall and partly just to be in his arms and savor it. God knew what her mother had cooking in her brain. She couldn't exactly forbid the relationship, but she could make it rough on Haley.
"Call me?" He asked as she slipped out of the truck and walked around to his window.
"Yes. If I'm still alive you'll most definitely hear from me. Maybe I'll even whisper sweet-nothings into your ear as you go to bed.'
She raised her eye-brows suggestively and Nathan pulled her in for one last searing kiss. This time it really was the last unfortunately. Breathlessly she pulled back with a grin and walked the rest of the path in slow dread.
Once inside she could clearly see her mother pacing around in the kitchen. Great, she'd probably worked up this whole big speech to ream her out with and a lot of it would probably make since and then they'd end up in some knock down drag out fight. Great. Defeated, she slunk into a nearby chair and waited for the fight to begin.
"Why?" That was the single depressed word that came out of her mother's mouth.
Hardly what she expected.
"Huh?" She asked completely confused.
"Are you confused Haley? Now you know how I feel. Two weeks ago you come home to me bawling your eyes and I think he's finally done it. He's finally showed his true colors, done something you just couldn't rationalize. And I hated to see you hurt, but I was relieved. I was so relieved that you had him out of your life. And then I go out there tonight I find the two of you back to your old ways...Is this about sex?"
"No!" She defended venomously.
"But you are sleeping together?"
"We've already had this conversation."
"Yes we did and I'm as worried about you now as I was then. How do you know he's not using you. You saw what his father did to Karen and Luke. What if you get pregnant? Huh!"
"I'm not!"
Her mother stopped to contemplate her outburst and Haley realized she'd slipped up.
"You know this for fact?"
"Yes."
"Well that either means you aren't having sex, which you've already admitted you are, or you thought you were and found out otherwise."
She couldn't even look at her mother now. How did mom's know just how to guilt you, to make you feel so bad about something you don't think you should even feel bad about in the first place.
"Haley?" She questioned more forcefully.
"Yes, okay! Yes."
"You thought you were pregnant?"
Haley didn't respond.
"Dear God." Her mother bowed her head in frustration.
"Why didn't you come to me? How many times has this happened? Did he know?"
"Does it matter? I'm not pregnant, I never have been."
"How many times Haley?" She repeated.
"Twice."
Her mother just shook her head in that disappointed motherly way.
"Thank God you weren't. Even after this, you still risk it. I didn't raise you to be so irresponsible and I've never known you to be this way, only with him. I don't know what kind of hold that boy has on you, but-"
"That's right, you don't! You won't even listen to me when I try to tell you, he tries so hard with you, to get you to like him-"
"By getting my daughter pregnant? I'm sorry Haley, that doesn't inspire my adoration!"
"I'm not asking you to adore him, or even like him. I just want you to accept him, because whether you like him or not mom, I love him! I do and he loves me and we’re going to be together!"
Haley began to storm out of the kitchen but her mother's words caught her and froze her in her place.
"While you're living in this house you will not see that boy. He will not come here, you will not see him at school or at work. Nathan is not welcome in our lives. Do you understand me?"
"You can't do this!" She protested tearfully.
She loved her mother, but she hated her as well. If she thought she was going to run her life and ruin the only thing that truly brought her happiness, than she was out of her mind. She was going to see Nathan whenever she damn well pleased!
"Haley do you understand me?"
"You won't stop me." She meant it.
"If you can't live with my conditions, then you're not my daughter-"
"Mom!-"
"I love you Haley. Since the moment you were born all I wanted to do was protect you and I feel like I failed you. Somehow you got caught in Nathan Scott's web. I thought you would get over it, I thought I had to let you learn for yourself. But he changed you- I look at you now and I don't even recognize my own daughter and the girl I do see, I don't like. You stay out till all hours of the night, your taking pregnancy tests Haley! Tell me you could have imagined any of this before him! I can't do it anymore, I can't watch you throw away your life on someone who's only going to wreck it."
"So what are you saying?"
"This is your house and I would never throw you out. But I won't stand by you while you throw it all away. It's your life, I just won't be a part of it."
Haley still wasn't sure what she meant, but she knew it was bad. Tears were pouring down her cheeks her heart felt like it was about to explode with pain. She loved her mother and she hated that she disappointed her, but she had no idea what to do.
"I don't understand."
"I won't be at your graduation. I won't watch you get so far and throw it away on a boy you won't even remember in 5 years. So until you come to your senses and see what's right in front of you face-"
"You mean see what you want me to see!"
"I'm not your mother and you're not my daughter!"
Her mother continued to walk out of the kitchen and into the shadowy hall. But Haley had one last thing to say to her.
"If your asking me to choose, I choose him, because he would never ask me to. And your wrong, he does love me and we are going to make a life together! And if you don't want to be a part of it, fine! But if you walk away from me now, don't come back!"
Her mother turned to her briefly and she could see the tears shining in her eyes. It would have been easier if she saw a void of emotion in her mom, but she didn't. She saw the same pain that echoed throughout her own soul. Still she wasn't going to budge, she loved Nathan, she wouldn't desert. She could also see clearly her mother wasn't going to back down either.
She waited a few minutes before finding her way to the confines of her own room. She wished that her mother had never seen them, that she'd never told her the truth. She should have waited, she should have tried to smooth things over first. Still she knew the end result would have been the same, two of the most important people in her life once again could just not get along.
She traded one problem(Luke) for another(Mom).
Life sure had a way of throwing you curve balls. Drained she picked up her telephone and punched in a number she knew so well. His voice came over the line within seconds and tension slowly began to drain from her.
"Hey." She whispered more than tired.
"Hey." He returned
She let her head hit the pillow and his voice followed her off to dreamland.
Chapter 21
"So, she completely ignored me this morning. It was like I didn't even exist."
Haley lamented her mother's behavior as she, Peyton and Brooke found their way to a quiet grassy knoll. Their French teacher was once again out and Brooke had convinced Albert to let them skip out once more. You just had to appreciate Brooke, the girl knew how to get what she wanted.
Haley on the other hand had no idea how to accomplish her goals. She and Nathan still had no idea how they were going to manage to stay together after graduation, her mother was practically ignoring her very existence and to top it off, she still hadn't written her speech.
"What did Nathan say?" Peyton inquired as she shoved a peanut M&M into her mouth.
"Not much," she continued, "He still hasn't told daddy dearest."
This got Brooke's attention.
"Why?" She asked in an alarming tone.
Haley had wondered that herself.
"I don't know." She admitted hesitantly.
Brooke shook her head in that signaling she didn't think that was a good thing at all. Peyton was a little more comforting thank God. She at least tried to smile and shrug it off. Still Haley knew Brooke was right, something was holding Nathan back and it didn't spell good things for them.
"So why don't you tell Dan?" Brooke through out as she stole the M&M bag from Peyton.
It hadn't even crossed Haley's mind...
"I mean that way Nathan wouldn't have to-Hey, he'd probably even thank you for it."
Peyton turned to look at Brooke and through her a "you've got to be kidding" look. If Peyton had that strong a reaction, Haley knew it was probably the worst idea ever. Still it had some appeal for her, why she wasn't sure.
"Look, I don't want to step on any toes but- Nathan would freak. Brooke might not know that, but you do. You know how weird he is about his father, everything about Dan has to be on Nathan's terms. He's anal about it."
That was probably the most Haley had ever heard Peyton talk without it having to do with Luke or their complicated relationship. And she definitely had a point. Nathan had always been weird about Dan, he never wanted Haley around him and when she was, he didn't lift so much as a finger to shield her from his father's insults. It used to bother her so much, but Dan had kind of become a non-issue, at least he had been before the break-up.
"I don't know," she hesitated, "maybe it would be better if I just got it over with- you know pull the Band-Aid off. Dan was okay with us for a while-"
"Again I hate to interrupt, but Dan was okay because he never thought you two would last. He'll freak when he realizes Nathan is thinking of declining Brown's offer to run off with you."
Once again Peyton had a point, maybe- Wait! Nathan was thinking of declining Brown's offer. This was news to her, she always assumed there was no way that was even a possibility, even when he mentioned it. But if he was talking to Peyton about it and hiding it from her, there must have been some level of seriousness to it.
"He's thinking of declining to Brown?" Haley asked completely out of the loop.
Peyton hesitated...
"He mentioned something about it." She admitted.
"Spill." Brooke ordered
"He just said you guys hadn't figured anything out and he didn't want to lose you, so..."
"So he's going to throw away his life." Brooke surmised.
Thanks, Haley thought ruefully. She never wanted Nathan to even consider doing that. She just assumed, well, she wasn't sure what she thought they would do. The whole logistics of their situation were very hard to figure out, but she didn't want Nathan to throw away his life on her like Brooke so tactfully put.
"At least you know he loves you." She added.
"I don't want him to decline Brown. He worked so hard for it, I just thought we would- I don't really know what I thought."
Brooke nodded and popped the last M&M before standing up and brushing her pants off. Peyton followed suit. Haley didn't move, she had way too much to think about and she couldn't do it in the noisy GYM, which was where she knew they intended to go.
"My advice?" Brooke waited impatiently.
Haley nodded for her to go ahead and spit it out.
"Start thinking."
Haley sighed and watched them disappear down the sidewalk before she turned back to her books. She couldn't think about Nathan right now, she had a more pressing matter.
Writing her speech.
With that thought she hopped up from the ground and set off to get help from the one place she knew would have it.
Guidance.
Rachel was doodling on some form when she arrived and actually seemed pleased with the break Haley provided. Still Haley thought ironically, she wasn't exactly a break, just a knew person who needed help.
And she, Haley James, was in serious need of counseling.
"What can I do for you?- Oh before I forget, I just wanted to apologize for bringing you and Nathan down here together, I just assumed you two were still a couple...I know it was really awkward."
She smiled nervously waiting for Haley to reply.
So not what she wanted to talk about, so she made it brief.
"Me and Nathan are back together.-"
Out of no where came a smug-smarmy voice she would never forget.
"Oh really?"
Dan Scott.
Great. This was just what her day needed.- On second thought maybe it was a good thing, it was one less thing for Nathan to worry about and she was sure since she was in the vicinity, she would take the brunt of his cruelty. She could handle it, he couldn't be anywhere near as bad as her mother and she'd weathered that storm last night.
"Mr. Scott." Rachel greeted a bit coldly.
Haley now new for sure she loved that woman.
Rock on!
Before anyone could step into the conversation, the office came in on the intercom and Rachel had to excuse herself for a phone call leaving Haley at Dan's mercy.
Wonderful.
"So you and Nathan have reconciled? Did I hear you right?"
Yes, you arrogant prick you did!
She didn't say that though, instead she simply nodded her head. It was best not to open her mouth in his presence, if she did, she was liable to say something she would regret later. Not because Dan didn't deserve it, because it might hurt Nathan.
"Won't last. I know my son. But I actually thought you had a brain, surely you can see when someone's using you for...I'm sure you get the point."
Evil bastard! Evil bastard!
No, she would be strong, she would find a way to hold her tongue.
"Nathan and I are in love and we intend to be together."
That was civil. In fact she was being a model of restraint. When all she really wanted to do was cold cock him and laugh in his whiny face. Oh yeah family gatherings were going to be so much fun.
Sarcasm, thy name is Haley.
"Yeah, I loved Karen too." He mocked her.
If he had any kind of brain he would have.
"In case you missed it DAN, Nathan isn't you. He'll never be you. He surpassed you in humanity the moment he was born and the farther away from you he gets, the happier he becomes."
Still that was civil...kind of. She didn't scream "EVIL BASTARD!" like she wanted to. Model of restraint, model of restraint.
"Nathan is my son, he's never going to be rid of me. And do you know why?... Because he doesn't want to be. If this "reunion" meant anything, why hasn't he told me? Go back to playing with Lucas, Haley, he's much more your type." He spit each arrogant word at her.
Breath. Don't blow up, he doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. He doesn't- Okay she was so through being nice. If he wanted to fight then they would fight and that selfish, egotistical Asshole would hear just what she thought about the GREAT DAN SCOTT!
"You son of a bitch! You don't know a damn thing about either of your son's. You don't deserve them either, if one good thing has ever come out of your entire life, it's making Lucas and Nathan.- But you know what, I thank God every night that they are nothing like you! They have good hearts, whether you want to see it or not. They're capable of love- Nathan is capable of love! That must really hurt, to know that he has the one thing you never will. LOVE! And you'll never have his love Dan! You won't! I won't let you wreck him, he's far too good for that!"
"Your looking at a fantasy little girl," he smiled upon her coolly, "Nathan shows you what you want to see, and you eat it up. Fine, he can have his fun. But I'm his father, I made that boy and he'll be whatever I want him to be. And YOU will never change that."
For some reason she was calm, the anger had washed away with her outburst and even his scathing reply couldn't bother her. She knew he was wrong, if he was right Nathan never would have even considered giving it all up for her. He never would have left her for her own good. Dan didn't know his son, and even better, he didn't have any power over him anymore.
Still, it unnerved Haley to realize that the power Dan once possessed, now laid in her hands. If she made Nathan choose between her and his dream, she'd be Dan. She'd be using him for her own happiness, she couldn't do that. She wouldn't do that to Nathan.
"Your right. I didn't have to change him, Nathan was already the man I loved, it just took him a while to realize it.- Sooner or later DAN, you're going to have to see it too."
Not another word passed between them, just a glare. Not even a glare, for the first time Haley didn't see malice when she looked into Dan Scott's eyes. For the first time she saw some understanding, even just a glimmer of it.
"Everything okay?" Rachel asked as she walked back in.
Dan turned to her with a fake apology.
"Yes, I'll be going."
"Didn't you need something Mr. Scott?"
"Things are much clearer now."
He nodded at them both and walked off into the hallway.
God she hoped that didn't mean more trouble for Nathan. But who knew with Dan Scott. She couldn't imagine one real true human emotion coming from that man, but there had to be something there. Karen had loved him, Nathan loved him now. Two people she loved and admired herself, there just had to be something...she hoped.
"So what can I do for you Haley?"
Haley snapped back to the situation at hand.
"I need help with my speech."
Rachel smiled helpfully and began to sit down.
Haley continued.
"I need help with my life."
That seemed to catch her attention.
"You wanna talk?"
Haley didn't want to stall, she might as well jump right in.
"First of all, this speech, I have no idea what to say. I have no great wisdom to impart, I mean I hardly know what to do with myself when I wake up in the morning, how am I supposed to council people on the rest of their lives. I have no idea what I'm doing after graduation- which is problem number two. Two years ago I fell in love with Nathan Scott and now suddenly we’re just supposed to go our separate ways and live our lives- I refuse to go my separate way! In fact I'm going my way and it's going to be his way. We just can't figure out our way. We actually have no idea what to do.- So I need you help." She finished completely out of breath.
That was the sum of her-
"Oh, and, my mother has gone insane and disowned me because I love Nathan and I want our ways to go together."
Done.
Rachel began unsure," Are you-?"
"Yep. I'm done."
She nodded a little bit dumb-founded.
"Okay...lets start with the speech. You don't have to impart some wise telling Haley, just say what you want to say. You must have taken something away from high school- from your life up until this point."
She waited.
"Honestly...I've never been more confused in my life."
"You know, I think that's pretty much how everyone feels." Rachel assured.
Haley had to give her that.
Confusion was a huge part of high school, Haley definitely didn't have the sole rights to that emotion. At least 99% of the student body was in a state of panic over their future and those who weren't were either insane or on some really good drugs. That didn't seem like such a bad thing at the moment.
"And the rest?" Haley prodded.
"Seeing as I haven't exactly mastered my own love life, I don't know how much help I can be. But I've seen you and Nathan and I've seen Nathan without you...lets just say everyone in Nathan's life would be much happier if you two were together...I'm serious."
Haley couldn't help but laugh.
It made her feel good to hear that. It made her feel warm and needed. Nathan gave her that she thought with a bright grin. So much of what was good in her life came from him. People didn't realize that, they always commented about her presence in his life, they never saw that he was just as good for her as she was for him.
They fit.
"So what are your options?" Rachel began.
"I don't know. Luke's going with Peyton to New York, but I couldn't ask Nathan to do that- not that I'd have to ask, he's already thinking about it."
"Nathan's worked really hard to get into Brown. You know that better than anyone, I don't think anything good could come from that big a disappointment."
This conversation was getting way too sobering.
"We could do the long distance thing..." Haley through out hesitantly.
"Doesn't sound like you like that idea."
"I don't know if we could do that, honestly."
Rachel seemed unsure of what she was about to say, which made Haley feel even more uneasy. She realized she wasn't going to get an answer she liked, in fact she was just about sure she would hate it.
"Have you thought about taking a break?- I know it's not what you want to hear, Haley. But sometimes two people can be right for each other, but just not right for each other now. It's a cliché', but..."
Haley swallowed hard.
"But it's true. So maybe if I love him I have to...let go.- God I can't believe after everything we've gone through that it's come to this. I can't even imagine my life without him..."
"You know I had a Nathan. A boy I just couldn't let go of in high school. Like you guys we were going in completely different directions. I wanted to teach, he wanted to go into the marines like his father. You know I look back now and I can see the writing on the wall, but then-God I loved him. We were going to run away and join the circus, we were going to defect to Europe. We came up with a million crazy plans and then graduation came and we realized we had to go out and live our lives, we had to be true to ourselves. And if it was meant to be, if it was really for keeps, we'd find our way back."
Haley hated the next question she had, but she had to know.
"Did he come back?"
"No. He got married and had a few kids. Sometimes life doesn't work out the way you plan, but the way it was supposed to. He's happy now."
"Are you?"
If Haley hadn't been looking right at her, she would have missed the sudden pang of pain that shot through her eyes. Because immediately after Rachel's smile was planted as firmly as ever upon her face and she acted as if nothing could touch her, not even the memory of the boy that got away.
"I am." She replied.
Haley didn't believe her.
Still her words were true. Sometimes things happened the way they were supposed to, not the way you planned. Nathan was born to play basketball, maybe that meant he wasn't born to love her and she wasn't born to love him. All she knew was it hurt, at the very core of her it hurt.
She jumped off the bridge and now she's landed with a thud. Boom! Splat! It reminded her of the old nursery chant she used to love as a child, "ring around the rosie, pockets full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down", eventually everyone fell.
"Thanks." She smiled sadly and began to file out of Rachel's office.
"I'm sorry Haley."
She shook her head and continued on.
Chapter 22
She found Brooke and Peyton just where she thought she would find them, in the GYM. Peyton had pulled Luke away from an engrossing game of ping-pong and Brooke was flirting with some of the JV players. It was a familiar scene. She found Nathan on the other side of the court with Tim, jovially throwing hoops.
“Hey.” She called out with a smile.
She didn’t want to bring down his unusually happy mood. Nathan smiling and laughing happened on rare occasions and she didn’t want to be the one to bring him down. Instead she’d much rather revel in it with him.
Immediately he jogged towards her and enveloped her in his arms. She wasn’t sure if he was trying to annoy her by getting her all sweaty or just plain happy to see her and she didn’t care. That was what showers were for.
“Brooke said you had your speech to do, I didn’t expect to see you.”
“Expect the unexpected.” She grinned mysteriously and pulled out of his embrace.
Tim had found his way down as well and she could see Peyton, Luke and Brooke walking towards them out of the corner of her eye. When had they become so 90210ish? Oh well. What she had to tell would have to wait until they were alone, and his euphoria had faded.
“Did you guys see we were in the paper?” He asked excitedly.
Haley nodded; she’d spent the whole morning reading the article as she dodged displeased glances from her mother. THE SCOTT’S STRIKE AGAIN, the article read and then preceded to praise Luke and Nathan for their basketball records. Only in Tree Hill would people write glowing articles about vandalism.
“I saw it. My mother saw it.” She said with a frown.
“Well if you ask me,” Brooke cut in from behind, “She should just be glad you aren’t pregnant.”
Great, just what she wanted announced to the entire Gym. She probably should have remembered what a big mouth Brooke had this morning when she spilled the whole story. From the looks she was getting from the guys, she was in trouble.
Euphoria over.
“You thought you were pregnant?” Luke asked completely shocked.
Haley slit her eyes at Brooke immediately.
“Oh…so I guess I should have said that.” She genuinely seemed to feel bad.
“You think?” Peyton added sarcastically.
Nathan looked like he just wanted to escape the whole conversation and her presence in it. Peachy, so now he was mad at her for telling Brooke. Today was really beginning to suck ever more than it already did and it did not start out on happy terms.
“Yes.” She finally answered reluctantly.
“Go Nathan!” Tim congratulated in with a perverted smile.
Sometimes that idiot was just, well…an idiot!
“Tim shut up.” Nathan ordered.
All were waiting for Luke’s reaction.
“So that’s why your mother was acting freaky this morning when I picked you up.”
No violent outburst, things really were improving in the moral of their group.
“That and about a million other things. But to sum it up, unless I give up Nathan, I’m no longer her daughter. That has been the capper to this wonderful day.” Haley was not in the mood for pretenses any longer.
“Sorry Hales.” He lowered his eyes in a comforting gesture.
“Yeah, no violence, now if Nathan would get that sour look of his face everything would be great.” Brooke directed her statement directly at Nathan.
He didn’t seem to care his mood was already shot. No one realized what a private guy Nathan really was. If he wanted you to know something he told you, if he didn’t, you never knew. She’d broken the cardinal rule apparently, but in case he hadn’t noticed, it happened to her as well.
“Do you want to get out of here?” He directed his question solely at her.
Boy did she.
“Uh-Yeah.” She answered immediately.
“Fine just leave us!” Brooke called out after them, but they were already half way out the door.
Their end destination was the picnic tables out by the water. It was a place that brought both of them great peace and apparently Nathan needed it as much as she did. They were going to need it a lot more when she got done saying what she had to say.
“So…” She began.
“I’m not mad.” He turned to face her so they were eye to eye.
“Right.” She replied unbelieving.
“I’m not,” he protested, “ I just wanted to get out of there.”
She could accept that, she herself wanted to get out of there. Not that she was really relishing having to tell him what she knew she had to said, but the gym was a little crowded for her tastes today.
“Okay. Well, you probably will be after I say what I’m about to say.” She warned.
“Then don’t say it.” He answered so simply.
There was that word again…simple. Peyton and Luke had found a simple way out, why couldn’t they. She knew if Brooke had to, that girl could find a solution to any problem, she would find a simple way. It was just Nathan and Haley who could not for the life of them find the easy way out. And who said it was such a bad thing to use the “easy” way. Sometimes it was nice to have a little relief from all the hard crap that was thrown at them.
“We can’t exactly hide from this,” she began, “I went to the councilor’s office today-“
“To get help on your speech.” He finished
“Yes, and to try and figure out a way for us to work this thing out. I mean we haven’t exactly been doing so great on our own. -“
“We’ve barely had a few days.” He broke in.
“And we barely have any time left. We graduate in like 4 days Nathan. And me and you, we don’t have a clue. I want to be with you, but I don’t know how to make that work. You’re going to Brown; I’m going- I don’t even know. And I-“
“Were you lying when you said all that stuff on the pier?”
“No.” She answered truthfully.
Still she found it very naïve right now.
“Neither was I. When I said I would live in a box with you, I meant it. I don’t care if we have to go to some know-nothing college in Poughkeepsie that has no basketball, that has no Ivy League stamp. If you’re there it’s worth it.”
She had to admit he was pretty convincing.
“You would do that for me?” She asked as she leaned further into his arms.
He smiled affectionately and brought his head down to rest on hers. She believed him, he some kind of thrall over her. She knew what Rachel had said earlier made since, but not, sitting there with him. They made the best kind of since.
“Yeah.” He finally answered and dipped his lips down to meet hers.
It was a warm companion in a dreary day and she welcomed it. He pulled away from her and softly ran his fingers against her flushed cheeks. He could always do that to her, make her blush from the slightest touch of his hand.
“You love me?” She asked playfully in a child-like voice.
“Yeah, I love you. Sometimes you drive me crazy…but I love you.”
She nodded and leaned in to chastely kiss his lips and pulled back just as quickly.
“Good. You remember that when your shooting hoops at the local youth center and I’m a cashier at Wal-Mart.”
She hit her hand against his arm playfully and they laughed a little at her assessment.
“You do realize I have a trust fund right? I mean you’re never going to work at Wal-Mart.”
Oh sudden thought.
“By the way I ran into your father today and lets just say he wasn’t happy with the news of our reconciliation and I really did try to hold in my temper- Look you know how it gets with me and Dan in the same room. So that trust-fund, it may be kaput.”
Nathan shook his head at her in mock disappointment.
“No worries, it’s from my mom’s parents. You actually think my father would willingly hand over his money to me. I’d have to give him a kidney or something.”
She was surprised he didn’t really have a reaction to her telling his father. Maybe she’d just over analyzed earlier and he just hadn’t had the time to tell Dan. Because it seemed like he was even a bit relieved his father knew.
“So you won’t miss being a big basketball star?” She asked sobering their joy.
“No.” He answered unconvincingly.
“You won’t miss the Ivy League stamp?” He returned.
“No.”
Who were they kidding? They were going to miss it; they would just miss each other much more. Still she hated all the things they were going to have to sacrifice, it just didn’t seem like a good idea. And Rachel’s statement kept playing through her head; nothing good could come from that big a disappointment.
What if she were right?
They didn’t bother going back to school; there was only one period left and what would be the point in that. Nathan figured no one would be home at his house and she wanted to avoid her mother like the plague, so they made their way there.
Surprisingly when they pulled into the driveway they found that both his parents cars were there and another…her mother’s.
Haley let out an audible cry of annoyance and Nathan instantly reached for her hand to give it a reassuring squeeze. God she felt like she was going in front of the firing squad.
“This just can’t bring good things.” Her body slumped in defeat.
“Maybe they’ll surprise?” He threw out weakly.
“Right.” She returned and hopped out of the truck.
They made their way inside pretty fast, neither one wanted to delay the inevitable. There parents would just have to get over it, they were set in their decision and no one was going to stop them. Once in the door they came into contact with four sets of prying eyes.
Yippee!
Hooray!
Let the massacre begin.
“You two are here early.” Haley’s mother jumped in.
Great now they were going to get reamed for skipping.
“Yeah, you know we wanted to knock over a few banks and got done earlier than we thought, so we came here to make a BABY!”
She knew she was being completely rude and maybe even a little bit out of line. But she couldn’t stand the feeling like they were all ganging up on them to make them bend to their will. They didn’t understand that they loved each other, in fact they ignored it!
“Haley.” Her mother quieted her.
Nathan didn’t seem to mind though; he was amused by her outburst.
“You think that kind of behavior is funny, Nathan?” Deb asked genuinely worried.
He immediately wiped the grin off his face and stood solemnly before them.
“We’ve all been talking about your future’s.” Haley’s father began to explain-
“And let me guess,” Nathan interrupted, “Either I’m not good enough for her, or she’s not good enough for me. Well let me tell you, you’re right, I’m not good enough for her, but I love her and she loves me and –“
“I do, daddy. I love him.” She emphasized.
“Can the both of you please calm down and let us explain.” Deb gazed upon them kindly.
So they shut up for the second time.
“Your councilor came by our house this afternoon, Haley. She said you’d come to her and you were very upset. She also said that we should support you in anyway we could and she left us with a letter.” Her father turned to her mother, signaling that she could continue the tale.
“I know I’ve been hard on you Haley, but you threw so much at me at once. One day you were my little girl, the next you’re talking about love and pregnancy tests and I was terrified. I don’t hate Nathan, Haley; I’m just scared for you. -“
“He would never hurt me!” She protested.
“Your young, things are going to happen, they always do. But Rachel made me realize I have to let them happen. I raised you to be the person you are and even if I haven’t shown it lately, I believe in you. And if you love Nathan, I-“
“I do.”
“I know. I also know the two of you have been having problems figuring things out-“
“And there is no way you’re giving up basketball, Nathan.” Dan jumped in.
All Nathan could do was roll his eyes, for once though Haley agreed with Dan. She didn’t want Nathan to give up his dream and she didn’t want to go to some know-nothing school. But they would if that was their only choice.
“I don’t want him to.” Haley defended.
“We know that Haley.” Deb soothed.
“And we don’t want you going to some Podunk school and ruining the rest of your life.” Her father shot his eyes in her direction.
“We aren’t going to break-up.” Nathan asserted.
“If the two of you would let us finish, I think you’d be pretty happy with the outcome.” Deb smiled their way.
And they waited…the suspense was killing them.
“Rachel gave me an acceptance letter Haley,” she paused, “I guess you’d asked her to throw it away before all this happened. But you applied to Brown to be with Nathan earlier in the year and they accepted you.”
Haley couldn’t move she was so paralyzed by emotion. She was accepted to Brown, for some reason she’d forgotten she’d even applied, she hadn’t even thought of it as a solution. It was simple, it was the easy way out and their parents were actually giving it to them.
Nathan seemed pretty damn happy himself and she found herself in his arms celebrating their good fortune. Still when they looked up they could see their parents weren’t done with their speech.
“It’s not exactly the Ivy Leagues,” her father said, “but it’s an excellent school none the less, your mother and I were pleased earlier in the year when you told us you were applying-“
Before he could continue she had launched herself into her parent’s arms like a giddy little schoolgirl who had gotten her first pony. She couldn’t have been happier if she tried.
Everything was falling into place.
“I think you should both know, Haley, that your mother and I were on the fence about the whole thing until your father came to visit us Nathan. He had some pretty glowing things to say to us about YOU.” He directed his last word at Nathan.
They were both confused now, why would Dan visit her parents?
“Why’d you go there dad?” Nathan asked skeptically.
“Somebody pointed out to me that I needed to see you. And when I really looked I saw the two of you. I may not exactly like it, but I do want you happy.” He was very matter of fact.
“How did you know to go to my parents?” Haley asked still very confused.
“Gossip goes around pretty fast in this town.” He explained to her and didn’t even sneer.
“Thanks.” Nathan nodded in genuine appreciation.
Maybe Dan had room to grow, Haley thought as she sent him a kind nod. He had a long way to go no doubt, but she could be thankful that he gave his son even just a moment of peace where he didn’t have to hate him. Because she knew it hurt Nathan to have to hate him and when Nathan was in pain so was she.
“Haley?” Her mother stepped in.
“Huh?” Haley responded still in a haze.
“You do realize everything’s going to be okay now. You two are going to be together, you’re both going to Brown, we’ve all found some way to get along- I really expected some joyful outburst.” She smiled widely upon them.
She felt too much to jump up and down though. She felt too much to even smile. Her whole life she wondered what would be the moment she knew, you know the moment she absolutely knew she’d found happiness. And this was it, she was standing in a room with Nathan and her parents and it was good. Everyone was smiling and laughing and she was crying.
But it was okay, it was joy and she was joyful…just in her own way.
“Well,” Dan broke in with a sigh, “Let’s celebrate.”
The parents all disappeared into the den and Nathan pulled Haley aside.
“I guess you’ll have to throw away that Wal-Mart application.”
“Yep, I guess you’ll have to suffer through a few more years of ego stroking.” She returned.
He turned to her serious, but still with a playful glint…
“You think we’ll survive?”
She smiled, a smile she could no longer deny.
“You know what Nathan, I think we may just make it yet.”
His hand found hers and they both found their way into the kitchen to celebrate the beginning of everything.
