The Ones Left Behind

By Brynne

The week flies by as Brooke and I busted our asses to do well on our finals for our summer classes. I think I did fairly well on mine, and I now have all the required classes out of the way, and can solely focus on classes for my major this upcoming semester.

Today is the day of the barbeque that Dan is throwing for Nathan and Luke. Luke is excited to see Nathan again, but getting oddly distraught at the knowledge he’ll be leaving Tree Hill in a few days. I’m not sure if it has more to do with leaving Brooke or Dan, and truth be told, I don’t know which is stranger.

Luke and Brooke were spending the morning at the beach with Eric, so I decided to make myself useful and help Deb and Dan set up. It has nothing to do with the fact that Nathan might be there. I don’t think, anyways.

Deb opens the door when I knock, and ushers me inside, obviously glad to see me which brightens my smile.

“I barely got a chance to talk to you last week,” she sighs, “We just had too many people here. So how are you doing?”

“I’m great now that finals are over. Of course, it’s only a few months until December, and I’ll have to start them all over again,” I smile.

“But you’ll be graduating in May,” she points out, “So that has to be added incentive to get through them now, right?”

“You have no idea,” I laugh. “So, what can I do to help?”

“Oh, there isn’t anything to do. We bought those pre-made burger patties and New York steaks, so that’s taken care of with no prep work. And I’ve already got all the condiments ready to go.”

“You’re a wiz,” I grin.

She laughs. “All those years at the café have paid off – Deb Scott can now slice tomatoes,” she jokes.

I laugh with her, shaking my head. “To think all it took was hanging around a café. No wonder I’m so accomplished.”

“Am I to understand this? If I hang around a café, I won’t have to spend all my cash eating out every day?” Nathan asks from behind us. I freeze up at the sound of his voice, but will myself to quickly relax.

“Nathan! You’re home!” Deb exclaims, “You know, I was worried when your dad said that you weren’t coming until today.”

He shrugs, looking gorgeous and sexy and – where did those thoughts come from? I shake my head to clear it of them.

“I had to stay for Stacy’s birthday. Well, I didn’t have to, but I’d promised that I would, and I would’ve felt bad if I didn’t.”

I wonder if Stacy is the girlfriend, but it isn’t my right to ask. It isn’t my right to feel anything in regards to him even having one. I feel stupid just standing here, and the urge to fidget is damn near overwhelming.

“Well, honey, why don’t you go put your stuff in your room? Take Haley with you; she’ll pester me for something to do if you don’t,” she teases, knowing that it is in my nature to bug adults for tasks.

“Oh, you don’t have to,” I tell him when she leaves the hallway, “I’m sure you want to do stuff on your own. I’ll just hang out in the kitchen. I even promise not to bug your mom for something to do.”

He smiles a little, sighing. “Nah, come on, it’s fine.”

I nod, and follow him. “Have a good summer?” I ask, figuring small talk is the way to go.

“Sure, it was alright. I spent a lot of time with basketball, but I did manage to take two summer classes. Finally declared my major.” I wait with bated breath for him to tell me what it is. “Sports psych. I love it!”

I can’t contain the big grin that comes across my face. “You’ll be great at it, Nathan,” I tell him, smiling, “I’m happy you found something you like.”

“Yeah, it’s awesome. What about you? How was school? Lucas drive you crazy hanging around all summer?”

I smirk, sitting down on his desk chair. I could’ve sat on his bed – the bed that I’ve spent plenty of other nights with him in, but it seemed too personal.

“Actually, he’s been great for the most part. He and Brooke are, um, well, they’re whatever,” I shrug.

“Fucking like bunnies?” he asks, and I nod, smiling.

“Pretty much. It’s weird, but in a good way, if that makes sense.”

“Are you sure it isn’t just weird?” he asks.

“Sometimes it is,” I acknowledge with a sigh, “But mostly just when I’m being selfish and resent being their third wheel.”

He laughs, “Well, I can see how that would suck, but hey, Luke leaves this week, so you’ll have at least one of them all to yourself again.”

“Hey, even I’m not selfish enough to want Luke gone for that reason. Besides, I think I’d have gone crazy without those two doing their thing this summer.” I sigh, looking down at my feet, “I’ll really miss him again. Just when I’d gotten used to him butting into everything I do, he leaves. It’s been a long time since he’s butted into my business and got all protective.”

“Three years,” he nods.

“No, longer,” I contradict, “Probably after he came back from Charleston he realized I was going to be okay.” I don’t say it, but we both know that I mean that Luke realized Nathan wasn’t going to hurt me.

He looks surprised. Well, of course he did. He and Luke may have made strides in their relationship up to that point, but they certainly weren’t best friends like they are now until the summer before our senior year. It took awhile.

“Huh, who knew?” he grins, tossing something at me. It’s a wadded up shirt.

“Nathan, I’m not doing your laundry,” I tell him with as much exasperation as I can muster without laughing.

“I’m wounded – it’s clean, for your information. And I’ll have you know that I am very proficient at doing my own laundry these days.”

“Like you wouldn’t get someone else to do it if you could, though,” I argue, looking at the shirt in my hands, “What do you want me to do with this?”

“I want you to have it,” he explains, “You have my high school jersey, so you should have one of my college jerseys, too. And this way, you won’t have to come up to UConn and pay $69.95 for it in the student bookstore.”

I laugh, more than a little touched he’d give this to me. “Thanks, Nathan, I really love this.”

“You gonna shove it in a box with the other one?” he asks, only the twinkle in his eyes betraying the fact that he’s teasing me.

“What makes you think the other one is in a box?” I ask lightly, playing along.

“Well, let’s see, your ex-fiancé probably wouldn’t have gotten a kick out of you wearing it. I mean, if you’d worn Luke’s jersey when we were together, I’d have shit bricks.” I laugh. “And you can’t really sleep in it – the arm holes drop down so low you might as well wear nothing.”

“You never complained about that,” I retort before I can think about it. When I do, the blushing commences, hot and overwhelming. “Damn it, I have a big mouth,” I laugh nervously, trying to play it off.

He blushes, too, but doesn’t say anything. This just furthers my embarrassment, so I rack my brain for excuses to go downstairs. “Well, I’m going to go see if your mom has changed her mind about needing help,” I tell him, standing up and heading for the door.

“You don’t have to go, Haley,” he sighs, “And it doesn’t have to be weird between us, does it?”

I give him a look from the doorway. “How could it be anything but weird?” I ask, knowing I’m right, “Look, I should go. I mean – well, I don’t know what I mean, actually.”

“Stay, Haley,” he orders, coming over and taking me by the shoulders and making me sit on his bed. His bed. The one place in this room I really shouldn’t be, if only for the memories it stirs up. “We’re friends or something, right?”

“Or something,” I mutter in reply, trying to avoid looking at him as he changes shirts.

“Or something? You don’t think of me as your friend?” he asks, sitting down beside me, “So what am I then?”

I shake my head, trying to clear it. “God, Nathan, I don’t know. Is there really any one label I can put on what you are to me?”

He looks at me, those beautiful blues eyes simultaneously soft and intense. “I guess we can define ourselves by what we used to be – that’s probably the easy thing to do. Ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend. Doesn’t require much thought, and no one ever thinks twice about it. But if that was it, if that was all we are to each other, would we be sitting here now having this conversation?”

“I don’t know, Nathan. I don’t think I know anything anymore.”

“Hey, you know everything,” he laughs, reminding me, “Who taught me everything I know? It sure wasn’t my dad!”

I laugh a little, mainly because I don’t know what else to do. “If you say so. But you know I learned a lot from you, too. It wasn’t exactly a one-way street.”

“Yeah, every fifteen year old should learn how to play strip Twister and do keg stands. Yeah, I was a great influence,” he laughs.

“That wasn’t what I meant,” I say, even though we both know he knows that, “You taught me a lot. I bet I never thanked you for it, and that sucks, especially since I know you thanked me a lot.”

“You didn’t have to thank me, Haley J,” he says softly, “You didn’t have to then, and you still don’t. Those were good times, and I wasn’t looking to get anything out of them.”

“I know you weren’t. They were good times, weren’t they?” I say, laughing, “I kind of miss them sometimes, hanging out with you and Luke, Pey and Jake. I really miss Jenny, but I guess Eric has kind of filled that void.”

“Like Brooke filled Peyton’s void, and Tim filled Luke’s void, and Jason filled – “

“Don’t. Please don’t say it,” I cut him off, standing up. Without another word, I walk out of the room.

“Haley, wait!” he calls behind me, “Get your scrawny ass back here.”

I whirl around. “I can’t Nathan. I need to get out of here.” He runs over to me, grabbing my hand and dragging me reluctantly back. “I mean it, I should go home and study anyways.”

“Quit hiding behind schoolwork,” he bites out, “Now what the hell was that all about? Are we not allowed to say his name now? Did you realize you made the biggest mistake of your life in leaving him?”

“No!” I scream at him, “I know I didn’t make a mistake! But I don’t need you or anyone else throwing in my face, making me admit that he was just a replacement for you!”

The words are out before I even realize that I think them, feel them. I clap my hand over my mouth, and this time when I flee, he doesn’t follow. As I lock myself in the bathroom, I’m not sure if I’m sad or glad about that.

I don’t want to think about what I said, but here, alone in this bathroom, I have little choice. There is nothing to distract me. So, as I’m splashing a little cold water on my cheeks, I wonder. Is it true? Was Jason just a replacement for Nathan? Was I using him solely to fill a void?

“Shit,” I curse, knowing that I probably was. It wasn’t as trivial as that – I did have feelings for him, but if you boil it down, that’s what you get.

For the first time since we started hanging out, I am truly, truly grateful for the impact Brooke has had on me, as my purse – with my makeup – is here, and I can fix myself back up before I have to face anyone. So I wash my face completely and reapply my makeup, and sneak down the back stairs when I’m done so I won’t have to walk by his room.

The rest of the family is here now, thank God, and Eric runs over to me immediately. To my relief, Nathan isn’t down here yet, so I have a slightly longer reprieve before facing him. “Hey Tutor Girl, que pasa?”

“Going Spanish today?” I ask as I scoop Eric up, wincing at how heavy he’s getting, “What are you doing to this kid? He’s getting huge!”

Karen and Keith laugh. “Blame Luke,” Keith suggests, throwing his arms up to deflect the mock blows Luke rains down on him.

“Hey, that always works for me,” Brooke purrs. I roll my eyes at her as she sits down next to me. “What? It does.” She looks at me, and can tell something is wrong. I can tell by the look in her eyes. “Where’s Nathan?”

“How do you do that?” I sigh, irritated she knows me so well.

She shrugs, but grins smugly. “I’m just that good. Now, seriously, where is he, and do I need to kick his ass?”

“Leave his ass alone,” I sigh, “He didn’t do anything, really. I mentioned that Eric was a replacement for Jenny, sort of, and then he pointed out all the other parallel relationships, and when he got to Jason and him, I flipped.”

“Wow,” she breathes, clearly surprised, “What the hell did he say about Jason?”

“After saying that Jason was his replacement, I yelled at him and ran off. Tried to anyways. He dragged me back, though. He asked why we couldn’t talk about him – if it was because I loved him, made a mistake, still wanted him, and I couldn’t handle it.”

“Oh, honey, what’d you say?” she asks with sympathy as Eric squirms out of my arms. “Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine. And I just said – I yelled, actually, really loudly, that I didn’t want Jason or anything from him, and that I didn’t appreciate being forced to admit that Jason was just a replacement for Nathan.”

She gapes at me. “Shut up. You – I mean – I don’t know what to say.”

I look up at the sun dipping low in the sky. “I’m sorry. I know you asked me that question a thousand times, and I know I always said ‘no’, but it didn’t hit me officially until then. I guess I’ve had inklings that maybe – maybe that’s all he was, but it wasn’t until that exact moment that I could even admit it to myself.”

“Damn. Wow, no, I mean, I knew you weren’t lying to me. Yourself, maybe, but not me. I’m not surprised, though.”

I should’ve known she wouldn’t be. “Yeah, so after I screeched at him, I locked myself in the bathroom. Mature, huh?”

She lets out a loud crack of laughter, and everyone looks our way. She just waves at them. “Mature? No, not at all, but really funny. Did he come after you?”

“Nope, he sure didn’t,” I tell her, sighing, “And that’s fine. I was shrieking like a banshee at him, I wouldn’t come after me either.” Shaking my head, I decide it is best to change the subject. I don’t particularly want to be talking about him when he makes his appearance back here. “So, how was the beach?”

Something incredible happens – her entire face changes, her whole presence changes. “He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes.”

It’s my turn now. “Shut up!” She’s grinning so happily that it is entirely contagious. “Tigger, that’s awesome! If you’re both happy, then I’m incredibly happy for you both!”

“Thanks,” she grins, blushing a little, “I knew you would be. It’s just, this is weird, but so good. I mean, I hated him so long, and now…it’s like the opposite of that or something!”

I laugh. “You do know what the opposite of hate is, right?”

She rolls her eyes at me. “Of course I do, thank you very much.”

“Well, there’s a thin line between love and hate, and I’m glad you two are on the right side of it finally.”

“Wow, nice cliché,” she laughs, “So, that was a nice subject changing maneuver you had there. Why don’t you want to talk about Nathan?”

“Brooke,” I whine, “This isn’t the place. His parent’s backyard? Come on. I don’t even know if there is anything to talk about.”

“Bullshit, there is a ton to talk about, and you dang well know it. Own up to that much at least.”

Something that she says strikes a nerve. “Do you think I’m a coward?”

She turns to me, sighing. “No, not a coward, just that you would be better off it you were a little quicker to admit things to yourself. Of course, I have that problem, too,” she says, with a wave of her arm, indicating Luke.

“You two are disgustingly cute together, even when you’re fighting,” I tell her, “And your admittance problems didn’t go nearly as far as mine did.”

She shrugs. “Well, I’m just special. And now, what do you say we join the rest of the party?”

“Fine with me,” I concur, “Even though I know you only want to sit on Luke’s lap.” She starts to protest, but I cut her off. “Oh, don’t even try to deny it,” I laugh.

“So what if I do?” she laughs, “It’s a very nice lap.”

“I know,” I nod, laughing at her reaction. “What? He’s my best friend, like I’ve never sat in his lap before?”

“Well, I didn’t need to know it for sure,” she groans.

“I’m teasing. Well, I have sat on his lap, but never in an unfriendly way. God, so you two are going to make it a go, huh? Crazy.”

She nods vigorously. “Tell me about it,” she laughs as we walk towards the crowd, “But it’s a good thing, don’t you think, honey?”

Luke’s eyes light up as she walks towards him, planting herself on his lap. “What’s a good thing, sugar?”

“You and me, making a ‘go’ of it, as Tutor Girl said!” Everyone else at the table looks up in surprise. “Geez, don’t all congratulate us at once,” Brooke laughs, sounding nervous to my ears. Luke picks up on it, too, and I see his arms reflexively tighten around her in quiet reassurance.

“Well, so you’re a couple now?” Karen asks, confused. She knows they’ve spent a lot of time together over the summer, but I think she thought that it was more for my benefit than because they were getting couple-y.

“Yeah, we are,” Luke confirms, looking really happy. Karen and Keith both look thrilled, too. I think Brooke overwhelms them sometimes, but anyone who gets to know her can’t help but love her.

“I’ve never seen him so happy,” a voice says from behind me.

“I haven’t either, not in a long time,” I agree, not turning around. It’s not like I need to see him to recognize his voice. I’d know it anywhere.

“You didn’t say things had gone this far with them when we talked earlier,” he mentions, moving to stand next to me. We both watch in silence for a few minutes as Brooke and Luke fill in everyone on how things progressed.

“I didn’t know they had,” I comment, “But it’s really good to see them both so happy. Especially Brooke – it’s not easy for her.”

He nods. “Well, it’s nice to see, I guess,” he sighs.

“Sorry I freaked out on you earlier,” I tell him, finally glancing up at him. He looks down at me and nods, no expression on his face.

There was a time when I could read everything he was thinking and feeling, just by looking in his eyes. Obviously, that time has come and gone, because now? I’ve got nothing. And I don’t know what to do with nothing.

“It’s okay, I should’ve kept my mouth shut. I was never good at that, though, was I?” he asks, trying for levity.

“Let me apologize,” I say gently, “I was wrong and rude, and I had no right to be. So I’m sorry. Um, and now I’m going to go get something to eat.”

I move away from him then, needing to get back some personal space. I walk over and sit at an empty chair, trying not to grimace when I realize Nathan will probably take the one next to me since Brooke will want the open one by Luke. He does, and I keep my expression straight.

Conversation focuses on Nathan and Luke and their last year at college. They are both excited – Nathan seems to be rated as a good prospect for getting drafted, and Luke has that possibility, too, although he doesn’t seem to want it as much. I participate in the conversation some, and Nathan even asks me a few questions about my plans for after graduation, which are vague even to me right now.

Of course, Nathan plans on getting drafted, and becoming a hot shot young NBA star. Luke admits that he’s more undecided, and that he’s considered not making himself eligible for the draft, and just moving back to Tree Hill.

“My life is here,” he explains, “My family, my friends, and I don’t know if I’m ready to leave that all behind yet. Again.”

“That’d be a lot to give up, Luke,” Karen says, even though she looks happy he might be moving back here.

He shrugs. “Yeah, but I might get a lot more out of it,” he tells her, smiling at Brooke. “Besides, basketball got me through college, and I’ll have a degree by the end of the year. What more could I want out of it?”

“The money and the honies,” Nathan jokes. I fight the urge to roll my eyes and throw a fork at him. God, where is this jealousy coming from?

“There’s more to life than that, Nathan,” Dan says, smiling.

“Yeah, I know, Dad,” he busts out, “And I’m sure Luke will go ahead and prove that there is, while I’ll be out corrupting myself and hordes of other people with my greed and desire to continue playing basketball.”

With that, he jumps up, his chair crashing back behind him. Everyone stares at each other, no one making a move to go after him. “Um, I guess I’ll go,” I say, standing up. No one looks at me, and I guess they are all still trying to process what just happened.

When I catch up to him, he is slamming out the front door of the house, heading for the car he rented. “Nathan!” I scream, as he shuts his door. To his credit, he doesn’t throw the car into gear and leave; he waits.

“Haley, please, now is not the time. I know that was rude and uncalled for, but I’m not going back there right now.”

“I know, Nathan, and I wasn’t going to say you should. I just want to talk.” I walk around the car and get in the passenger seat.

“You know I’m not in the mood.”

I nod. “Yeah, but that’s okay, I’ve seen you worse. A lot worse,” I remind him, and it does elicit a smile. We drive awhile in peace and quiet; I don’t want to push him yet. He drives us down to the river court, and he parks the car and gets out.

“This is where it all started,” he says, walking to stand in the middle of it, “This is where Luke got what it took to play with the Ravens.”

“I know.”

He looks at me. “You know that I love him, right? That I think of him as a brother and a friend now?”

“Of course, Nathan, we all know that!”

“Then why am I so jealous of him?” he whispers, falling to his knees there at the center of the court, “Why do I want what he has?”

“Nathan, you have everything that he has.” He looks at me like I’m crazy. “Nathan! You do! You have a family that adores you and would do anything for you, and you have great friends who really care about you. You are an awesome basketball player, and you’re busting your ass in college to get yourself a great career to fall back on!”

“When I first got to know Luke, he had Keith, who acted like a dad as well as an uncle. And he barely acted like an uncle to me because Luke needed him more. I got that, I did, but I was stuck with Dan. And you remember how he was back then, how nothing was good enough. I was so jealous that I was stuck with him while Luke got Keith! But now, now Luke has Keith as his father, and he has Dan, too. Everything Luke does is huge for Dan, this big, huge thing and it’s so great, and so smart, and so wonderful, and I could end world hunger and he wouldn’t notice.”

I sit down in front of him, crossing my legs. “I didn’t know you felt that way,” I say, taking his hands.

“He’s always had what I want, and I try really hard not to let this stuff bother me anymore, but here I am, bothered. And I feel like crap over it, because I know that I shouldn’t be upset – he’s my brother, and I love him.”

I squeeze gently, rubbing my thumbs over his fingers. “He knows you love him, Nathan. I know he does, and he loves you, too. Dan loves you, too. You know that, don’t you?”

He nods. “I just think that sometimes not as much, and then I wonder why Lucas has everything I ever wanted.”

“Luke never had it easy,” I remind him, “Things were really tough for him up until our senior year.”

“I know, but he had Keith, who was better than having his real dad in the picture then, and he had Karen, who was always there for him, and he had you.”

“You had me, too,” I smile at him, “Anything I’d do for him, I’d do for you, too, Nathan. Maybe even more.”

He leans forward and pulls me to him. “I needed to hear that right now. Thank you,” he whispers into my hair.

I wrap my arms around him. “You know I mean it, right? Because I would. I know things aren’t like they used to be for us, but you’re still – well, you, and I’d still do anything for you, Nathan.”

“Hey, likewise,” he grins, pulling away. He looks more like himself, and I’m glad I helped at least a little. “Thanks – for chasing after me, I mean. No one else wanted to, huh?”

“I think they were a little stunned, but that was fine by me.” He raises an eyebrow at me. “It gave me the chance to come instead, gave us this chance to talk. That’s – that’s good, Nathan.”

He nods, leaning slightly back towards me, his eyes darkening as they stare into my own. “Yeah, it is good. I needed you, Haley J.”

I smile. “I know. And I’m just really glad I was there to chase after you.”

“Hey, you remember that awful family dinner you came to? It couldn’t have been long after we started dating. It was the one where it came out that Dad - ?”

“Oh, God,” I interrupt, “I remember that night. It was awful. I think I realized how strong you were that night, to be able to deal with all that on a regular basis.”

“Just another day at the Scott’s,” he laughs, “It was awful, though, wasn’t it?” It’s a rhetorical question, so I don’t answer. “I was glad you were there that night, and that even then, you were the one chasing after me, making sure I was okay.”

“I have to know you’re okay,” I tell him, moving so I’m sitting next to him and can lean my chin on his shoulder, “Because if I don’t know you are, then I’m not. It’s that simple.”

“God, Haley, don’t say stuff like that, okay? You’re making it complicated.”

“I don’t mean to,” I sigh, pulling away from him, thinking he might need space.

“No, don’t – don’t go. It’s just that this feels too much like old times, and we both know, this ain’t old times.”

“Yeah, I guess it isn’t.”

“I’m sorry about what I said earlier,” he whispers, running his hand through my hair, “It wasn’t fair to accuse you of using Jason as a substitute for me. I’m sure there was a lot more to your relationship than me.”

I laugh a little, surprised he’s apologizing. “You were right, though, to an extent. And I flipped out because I didn’t want to admit it, not even to myself. It was too hard.”

“You’re not just saying that because I put words in your mouth, are you?” he asks, obviously concerned.

I shake my head, willing myself not to let anymore tears fall. “No, but I kind of wish I was. Isn’t that the worse reason you’ve ever heard? Doesn’t that make me a pretty crappy person?”

“Misguided, a little,” he sighs, “But not a bad person. Never a bad person. Life is just messed up sometimes, so why shouldn't we be, too?”

“Oh, with reasoning like that…” I laugh.

“Hey, I thought it sounded good,” he defends, but laughs, too, “But really, we all had to cope and move on, you know? Some of us just did it better than others.” He thinks about it for a second. “Okay, scratch that – I think Jake is the only one who did a good job of it.”

I laugh with him, shaking my head. “Yeah, Peyton, um, had her freak out, Luke slept his way through three classes at college, and I rushed a relationship that sunk worse than the Titanic.” I tilt my head to the side, looking at him. “I guess you’re in the Jake camp, huh?”

He shakes his head. “Nah, freshman year I tried to force relationships to get over you, and then I got drunk and fooled around. Or else I moped over you and didn’t do anything. After that, I spent the last two years spending all of my time on the court or at the library to the point where I barely have any friends.”

“We’re a sorry lot, huh?” I ask, trying not to laugh.

“Yeah, we are, so what’s so funny about that?”

“Well, I mean, we were all sort of popular in high school, and now with the exception of Luke, we all kind of keep to ourselves and are just busting our butts to get through school. How did that happen?”

“We grew up?” he suggests, and I shrug. “I don’t know then, if it isn’t that.”

I lie on my back and look up at the stars. “You know, it is a really nice night. Look at all the stars,” I tell him, pointing them out.

He lays back beside me. “Yeah, it’s nice. And you know what? It wouldn’t be half as nice if you weren’t here.”

“Thanks, Nathan,” I say, smiling. I’m not thinking of what this all means, where things are going – no, I’m just enjoying the moment, and this is a nice one.

“Things aren’t so bad for us, though, you know?” he asks.

“I know. I have Brooke, and even Tim is coming around. Life is a lot different now, but not all bad.”

“Do you wish things had stayed the same?” he asks, looking over at me. I feel his hot gaze on the side of my face.

“I don’t know, some of them yeah. But I really like Brooke and Tim, and I wouldn’t change that part.” I look over at him, meeting his gaze. “What happened with you and Tim? Before you and I went out, you were best friends. He just seemed to go away after that.”

“I don’t know. It’s like at the time, we were going in different directions, and I had you, and you were my focus. Especially after we got married. You were all I could see, all I needed. There wasn’t room. I guess that makes me a bad friend,” he sighs.

“But a really good husband,” I laugh, then sober. “I’m sorry for asking, I know it isn’t my business. But he seems to have this irrational dislike for you, and then when he and Jason attacked you at that party, it was all so clear that he hates you. I just wondered why.”

“That’s why,” he notes tersely, “Because I was a jerk and stopped being his friend. It was even worse when Luke and I got close.”

I nod, understanding. “Well, you know what? It’s late, and your parents are probably worried you hate them all over again,” I point out, sitting up, “You should get back home.”

“Where are you staying?” he asks.

“Oh, I don’t think I am. I’ll just drive back to Durham. I don’t even want to swing by my parent’s house to see if they’re gone again.”

“You can stay with us.” He blushes. “I mean, my parent’s have the guest room always made up.”

“Thanks, Nathan, but I’ll be okay. I have finals this week, anyways, so I should study tomorrow, all day if possible.”

“Okay.” He stands up, and turns around, offering me his hands. I accept, and he pulls me to my feet. We make the drive back to his parent’s place in silence, each with a million things on our minds. He’s at the front of mine, but I don’t know exactly what I’m thinking and feeling right now, so I’m not going to push anything.

“I’m leaving tomorrow. I have a basketball meeting on Monday that I can’t miss, so I probably won’t see you again for awhile.”

I nod, praying he doesn’t see the tears in my eyes. “I’m glad you came for this, even if you couldn’t stay long. It was really good to see you, Nathan.”

“You too, Haley J. I’ve missed you.”

“Me, too.”

We both get out of the car, and I make my way over to mine as he goes in the house. I can see Deb and Dan through the window, and they both envelope him in a hug as he walks in. Sure, he’s a twenty-two year old man now, but he’ll always be their son. Dan waves to me and mouths a ‘thank you’, and I wave back and get in my car.

It is really hard to drive back tonight, knowing that Nathan is in Tree Hill, but will be gone tomorrow. A part of me wants to turn back and climb into his bed and ask him if things can be like they used to, but I’m rational enough to know they can’t. Because time doesn’t go backwards, it only goes forward, and for some reason, we all have to go with it.

Whether we like it or not.

Chapter Fifteen – Hard To Say I’m Sorry

‘After all that's been said and done

You're just a part of me I can't let go’ - Chicago

~*~December 31, 2009~*~

“New decade in a half hour,” Brooke comments idly as she flips channels, “Should we fight over who gets to kiss Tim at midnight or be civilized and flip for it?”

“Ladies, ladies, there is enough of the Tim-Man to go around, please, no fighting,” he grins lecherously from his spot on the floor.

I make a face, turning to Brooke. “Seriously? I think I’d rather kiss you,” I joke, and she laughs.

“Hey, that is even better, and I’m holding you to that,” Tim grins lasciviously, “So don’t you dare forget you said that, Haley James!”

I groan, kicking him in the shoulder. “Smith, you are such a pervert!” I laugh, “Huh, can you believe we’re all – well, except Brooke, so I guess just you and me, Tim – are single again for another New Year’s Eve?”

“We’re pathetic, James,” he grins up at us, looking anything but upset by the notion, “And you know, there is still time to go over to that little party our neighbors have.”

Brooke and I both groan. I don’t want to go to a party at our neighbor’s place, and Brooke has to get back to Tree Hill tonight. Hence, no partying and no drinking.

“My pa – actually, my house,” Brooke beams, having been given her parent’s house in Tree Hill now that her parents have officially retired to the shores of Miami’s South Beach, “Doesn’t take care of itself!”

“No, all the servants and gardeners take care of it, Brookie,” Tim retorts, still probably ticked off that we roped him into hanging out with us tonight instead of partying with hot coeds.

“Wah wah wah, you’re just bummed that Haley won’t hire a maid to come clean up here once a week like I did, and that you have to pick up your own junk now,” she grins, knowing he hates that I make him clean up now.

“Yeah, well, I – fine, you win, Brooke,” he mutters, and Brooke and I both laugh. I pass him my pint of Ben and Jerry’s Brownie Batter ice cream to finish off as a consolation prize. “This might be better than having servants,” he decides as some dribbles down his chin.

“Seriously, Smith, I’m buying you a bib.”

“Who knew James would be such a neat freak?” he grumbles, “Not me, because if I had, I might not have let you move in here.”

It’s funny that Tim and I are at a point now where we can joke about us living together. At one point, I would’ve sworn that not only would he never consent to living with me again, but that if by some miracle it happened, he certainly would never be happy enough with the situation to joke about it.

Things are good now for us. Jason has stopped by a couple of times – the first of which was before Tim had a chance to tell him that I’d be staying and that Brooke was moving out at the end of the summer, and they had a vicious shouting match, which I stayed as far away from as possible. Tim came in my room after and apologized for not telling him sooner and sparing me that.

All it served to do was remind me how terribly I hurt Jason. Even now, six months later, I think about it almost daily, and the guilt can be fairly overwhelming. The thing is, there is no way to fix this, and therefore no way to alleviate my guilt. Everyone tells me, rightfully so, I might add, that Jason and I never would’ve worked out, and that in a roundabout way, I did the right thing. Funny how that doesn’t make me feel any better.

But the good thing is, Tim and I are back to being just as close as we were before I left Jason at the altar. Which is good, I really missed his friendship over the summer, and even that first month or so when we lived here together and things were still a little strange. But we both reached out, both made the effort to make things better, and lo and behold, they are.

The surprising thing was tonight; Tim stayed with us instead of going to a party. Brooke and I told him we wouldn’t mind if he wanted to, but he decided he’d rather hang out with us instead of getting drunk and possibly hook up with some girl he meets there. We haven’t just hung out – the three of us – like this for awhile now, so this is really great.

Brooke wanted to stay in tonight because she’s expecting a call from Lucas around midnight our time, and probably another around midnight his time. It’s funny, but now half of the times he calls here are because he knows Brooke will be here, not because he wants to talk to me.

“I’m gonna go check my email,” I tell them, and stand up, making my way to my room where my computer is. I probably shouldn’t – I doubt there will be one from him tonight, but I can’t help; I need to check.

Nathan and I haven’t talked since I left his house after the barbeque Labor Day weekend. However, we have been emailing back and forth, so the lines of communication are open. I don’t know if it means anything, but there you have it. At least we’re talking. Got to start somewhere.

The other thing is that we’re being completely honest. I know he is dating this girl, Stacy, still, and I have told him bout the blind dates Brooke has coerced me into going on. Maybe it’s easier to do this through email since there are no vocal inflections to analyze or whatever. Of course, I’ll read each of them fifteen times now, and wonder what each little word means, so I guess the trade off isn’t all that great. I’m still glad we’re corresponding, though.

“The ball is about to drop in about ten minutes,” Brooke points out, breaking into my reverie, “Another year gone.”

“Yeah, but we’re closer to graduating,” I point out with a smile.

“Not me,” she whines, “I still have another year of vet school to finish.” I shake my head as she says this; sometimes it is still so odd to think of Brooke as a veterinarian.

“Yeah, but at least you’ll have a good degree,” Tim sighs, “I’m gonna be stuck with this stupid general studies degree.”

“It has a focus in business,” I point out, trying to be helpful. I know Tim is bummed that he didn’t choose a major sooner, but he was adamant about graduating in four years, so here we are.

“Well, still, it sucks. I wish I’d known sooner what I wanted to do.”

“You’re going to get a job,” Brooke sighs, exasperated, “So, what’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is that I could’ve got a better job, you know, more money, better perks, whatever.”

“Tim, you don’t have a job yet,” I tell him, “So, how do you know what kind you’ll end up getting? It could be the best thing ever!”

“It could be the best thing ever!” he repeats, mocking me in a falsetto, “Or I could end up as a manager of Dairy Queen!”

Brooke and I look at each other and crack up. I know I can’t help it, and she probably can’t either. Tim glares at us, still pouting. “You’re being retarded about this, Tim, “Brooke tells him, “A total drama queen!”

“I can’t help it,” he whines, “I just want to know I’m going to have a good job. You both are like guaranteed you will be totally successful, but I could end up homeless or something.”

“Jesus, Tim, stop being such a worrywart,” I tell him, “You’re going to have a college degree. From a great university! Why are you freaking out?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know, I guess I’m just afraid you guys will leave me or something. You know, go off to some big city for the fabulous jobs your going to get.”

I roll my eyes and Brooke bats him over the head with a pillow. “You are completely irrational. Why are you worrying about this now? We haven’t even graduated yet – hell, Brooke doesn’t graduate for another year,” I point out.

“So what? You guys are smart – well, Haley’s smart, and Brooke can BS her way into anything she wants, so I’m sure jobs are included in that – “

“That’s called being smart, Smith,” Brooke interrupts tersely, irritated with him calling her less than smart.

“Fine, forget I brought it up,” he sighs, “Now we can talk about puppies and rainbows or whatever happy thoughts you guys want to focus on.”

“Puppies?” I ask, and Brooke echoes, “Rainbows?”

“I don’t know,” he bites out, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

“Okay, look, Timmy boy,” Brooke begins, sliding off the couch to sit next to him on the floor, “I’m not leaving. I mean, I know I’ve always said I wanted to live in New York, but the more I stay here, the more I realize it’s because I want to, not because I need to.”

“Me too,” I pipe up, “I used to think I was ‘stuck’ here, but I’m not. I mean, I could leave, realistically. But I don’t want to.”

Brooke looks at me in surprise. “Really? You want to stay in Tree Hill or this area, I guess?”

I shrug. “Well, yeah, at least for now. I mean, I’m happy here, and I have you guys, and Karen and Keith, and God, even Deb and Dan. I don’t want to leave everyone, you know?”

“You better not,” Brooke warns, “Especially since it looks like Luke might be moving back here.”

Tim looks surprised. “But he’s having such a good season, I was reading his draft stock is rising. Why’d he want to come home?”

“Duh, me,” Brooke grins.

I shake my head, but smile. “Besides Brooke, I think he just has kind of decided that basketball wasn’t the be all to end all in his life. And he misses Brooke,” I finish when she pokes me in the leg.

“Wow, shocking, coming from a Scott,” Tim muses, “But kinda deep.”

“You would think so,” Brooke huffs, “But anyways, I think it’ll be good for us if he comes back here, you know? I mean, we can see where things really stand, and if we can stand being together longer than a summer.”

I laugh, “I’m sure you guys can. I mean, if you can get to the point where you’re even dating, and long-distance to boot, I think you can make it longer than a summer of face time.”

“Yeah, I know,” she grins, “I just wanted to hear someone else say it.”

“You are so in love with him it makes me ill,” Tim groans. The phone rings, and he grabs it before Brooke can. “Brooke Davis’s house of torture and pain, name your torture.”

“Timothy!” Brooke screeches. I shake my head at the two of them.

“Uh, hold on, I’ll get her,” Tim says to the person on the phone. Both Brooke and I are figuring its Luke, and are thusly surprised when Tim hands the phone to me.

“Hello?” I ask, standing up.

“If that’s Luke, I want to talk to him!” Brooke calls as I walk out the room.

“Haley? Uh, hey, it’s Nate.”

Wow. “Nathan, hi. Um, how are you?”

“Surprised I’m calling?” I walk into my room and close the door after waving Brooke off and shrugging at Tim’s inquiring look.

“Well, maybe a little, I mean, we’ve been sticking to email for awhile now, and it is one of the biggest party nights of the year,” I remind him, teasing.

“Yeah, speaking of which, what are you and the two stooges doing home tonight? I figured you’d be out getting drunk or something.”

I laugh, “Hey Pot, meet the Kettle. Hear you’re black.”

He laughs, too. “I didn’t mean it like that. But I know Brooke, and I know Tim, and I figured they’d have wanted to go out, if not you, too.”

“Yeah, well, Brooke is waiting for a call from Luke, and Tim is having a midlife career crisis or something. And I had no real reason to go out, I guess, especially without them.”

“That’s kind of how I felt,” he sighs, “And then I got to thinking about you, so I figured I’d call and leave a message.”

“Hmm, guess you were surprised when Tim answered then, huh?”

“Yeah, a little. To tell the truth, I’d forgotten you’d said he was your roommate, so it was like a double surprise.” This small talk is making me nervous. “Uh, if I’m keeping you from your friends, just say the word.”

“No!” I exclaim, “I mean, no, it’s fine. Brooke is just waiting for Luke to call, and Tim is eating the last of my ice cream. I’m not missing anything.”

“The ball is dropping,” he says, and I glance up at the clock, “You up for ringing in the New Year with me?”

I allow myself a small smile. “I’d like that,” I say softly, “Should we countdown together?”

“I think so,” he says, “Ready? Five, four, three, two, one…”

I count with him, and then we fall into a mutual silence, and I can’t help thinking of how different things could be now if I’d made a few different choices. “I’m glad you called,” I say finally, needing to break the silence.

“Me too. I’ve been thinking about you the last couple of days, missing you.” Wow, this is pretty huge. “I mean, I’ve always kind of missed you, but it doesn’t seem weird or inappropriate to tell you now.”

I know how hard it was for him to say that; I recognize that he doesn’t trust me, not after what I did to him. All that pushing away doesn’t really help to build up trust. So this is really nice, even if it is a huge surprise.

“I missed you, too, Nathan,” I admit, finally. “Wow, it’s kind of strange to say that out loud, you know?”

“Yeah, I know, but at the same time, it isn’t,” he chuckles, “Hey, uh, have you talked to my folks lately?”

“Not really. I saw them on Christmas Eve, but I have been so busy with school and finals, that I have hardly even had a chance to visit Tree Hill. Everything okay?”

He sighs. “Yeah, um, I just haven’t talked to them much since I left that day. It’s weird, because now I don’t know what to say to them.”

“Oh, Nathan, just tell them what you told me!” I exclaim, worried for him, “They’ll understand, I know they will. Have you talked to Luke at all?”

“Not much,” he admits, and I’m surprised Luke hasn’t mentioned it, but I guess it really isn’t any of my business.

”You should talk to them, Nate. They love you, they’re your family.”

“I know that, Haley J, but I don’t know how to approach this. It’s not a little thing, and I know I shouldn’t even be feeling this way. And how do you say ‘I’m a jealous idiot, and I can’t deal with it’?”

“Nathan, I know you love Luke, and that you truly think of him as your brother now. Instead of a general rivalry, maybe this is just sibling rivalry now.”

“Maybe,” he sighs, “But I still feel like crap about it. He’s been a good brother to me, and gave me second chances when I didn’t deserve them. So what right do I have to feel this resentful now?”

“Nathan, that’s the thing about feelings, you always have a right to them. You know that. I bet they teach you that in your psych classes.”

“Yeah, I do. It just sucks, though. Maybe I’ll give him a call soon, and then maybe I’ll even get around to calling Dan.”

“I’m sure they both want to hear from you.”

“Haley, thanks for letting me dump all this on you. I don’t know who else I could’ve talked to about it, so I guess I’m really lucky I have you.”

I laugh a little. “That’s what Haley’s are for,” I joke, not able to call myself his friend when there is so much more to us, between us.

“Listen, I’m glad we got a few minutes to talk, but I gotta go. Stacy is back, and we’re going to watch a movie together.

Stacy. Right. Cold bucket of ice water, all over my head. “Oh, of course. Thanks for calling, it was nice to hear from you.”

“Yeah, let’s talk again soon, okay?”

“Sure, anytime.” God, did I just say that? So pathetic.

“Later Haley J.”

When he hangs up, I berate myself for thinking that there was something here, berate myself for wanting there to be something here. Because I know it isn’t gonna happen. He’s got Stacy, and I’ve got emotional baggage left over from my own huge screw-ups to deal with before I can even pretend I’m ready for a relationship.

“I can’t believe Nathan called you,” Brooke comments, barging in, “I mean, after he ran off like a shit at that barbeque, I would’ve figured he’d stop making his presence known in these parts.” I never told anyone about my conversation with him afterwards because I didn’t think it was any of their business. If Nathan wants someone to know something, he knows where to find them.

“What happened at the barbeque?” Tim asks, confused.

“Oh, Dan and Luke were talking about how basketball wasn’t the most important thing in the world, and how Luke might not continue on with and Dan said he was proud. Nathan went all into freak mode – it reminded me of when he was using steroids,” Brooke exaggerates.

Tim’s eyebrows shoot up. “Yikes, that bad?”

“No, it wasn’t even that bad, and this is someone who was there for both,” I remind them, “He was just stressed, it wasn’t a big deal.”

“Not a big deal?” Brooke scoffs, “Not a big deal is changing the subject if you don’t like the conversation; running off like a madman on speed is in fact a big deal.”

I roll my eyes, unwilling to entertain these notions of Brooke’s. “He’s fine, Tigger; he’s just got stuff going on.”

“Well, he shouldn’t take it out on Lucas,” she declares, “He’s got enough on his plate right now, and he sure as hell doesn’t need his brother/best friend piling more crap on him.”

“You’re right, he shouldn’t. But you know what?” I ask her with a smile, “This is none of your business. None of mine, either, so let’s drop it and let them work it out like I know they can.”

She throws her hands up in the air. “Fine, I’ll drop it. So, in the spirit of dropping it, I’m going to go call Luke and see why he hasn’t called me yet.” She flounces off as Tim and I watch.

“Is she right?” Tim asks, “Is Nathan on drugs again?”

”What? No, Tim, he isn’t. Look, I didn’t want to tell Brooke because it might get back to Luke, but I think it’s hard for Nathan to see Dan treat Luke’s basketball career the way he wanted him to treat his when he was younger, you know?”

He shrugs. “I wouldn’t know much about it,” he sighs, “It’s not like Nathan and I, even when we were friends, were really the feelings type, you know?”

I laugh, picturing the two of them talking about their problems and realizing I can’t. “Sorry, it’s just the thought of you two talking about stuff like that.” He rolls his eyes at me. “I think that it’s mostly that Dan was a jerk to Nathan – and Luke – for so long, and now that he’s not a jerk, he’s focusing his attention on making it up to Luke. I think Nathan wouldn’t mind having some things made up to him.”

He looks at me, contemplating. “You love him, don’t you?”

Where did that come from? “He’s been an important part of my life, Tim, a part of me will always love him.” Ah, the good, standard post traumatic break-up answer.

“Whatever,” he snorts, grabbing a beer out of the fridge. I shake my head ‘no’ when he offers me one. “I’m not condemning you for it, I’m just saying it’s there.”

God, we so wouldn’t have been able to have this conversation a few months ago. I’m glad that we’re comfortable to have it now, all things considered.

“Look, Tim, we’re just friends. He has a girlfriend who he probably at the least really likes, if not loves. And I’m not in a place where I really need a relationship.”

He grins, “I wasn’t talking about relationships, and if things were so great with his girlfriend, would he really rely on you for this stuff with his dad and brother?”

I shrug. “Because I know the history, and I know how affected he was by it all? Maybe it’s just easier to talk to me than someone who doesn’t know or understand.”

He rolls his eyes again. “Whatever. Look, I know I don’t know a lot about your relationship with him, but I know you enough to know you still love him. And I might not like him, and I might not think he’s good enough for you, and I might not even like that he’s probably the reason you ditched my cousin at the altar, but if he’s gonna make you happy, then you should go for it.”

“Why don’t you like him?” I ask, ignoring the rest and cutting to the chase, “What happened to make you hate him so much?”

He shrugs, looking away. “You’ll think it’s dumb, but it’s because he just ditched me. Didn’t want to be my friend anymore. And I didn’t change, so it was like all of a sudden I wasn’t good enough for him. It just sucked.”

“Stuff like that always sucks, Tim,” I say gently, putting an arm around his shoulders. I hate seeing him like this.

“Yeah, but it didn’t suck for him. He got to move on; he had you and Luke now, too, and I didn’t really have anyone left.”

“Like Brooke when Peyton ditched her,” I sigh, feeling kind of bad. It wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t even Nathan’s, really, because people do move on sometimes, but it still hurt him, and I feel bad for that.

“Yeah, I guess something like that. But it doesn’t matter, because I’ve got you and Brooke now, and Jason and I are better friends, and I’m just happier, I guess.”

“I’m glad, I like my Tim to be happy,” I tell him with a smile.

“Well, hook me up with one of your interior design friends, and then I might be really happy.”

“Don’t you mean that Little Tim would be really happy?” I ask, laughing. Brooke comes wandering back out, a dreamy look on her face.

“Luke wants to talk to you,” she smiles, sighing.

“Uh, thanks,” I tell her, wondering if I ever walked around in that daze when I was most in love with Nathan.

“Lukie?” I ask into the phone.

“Hey, Hales, I miss you,” he says automatically.

“Glad to know. I was thinking you’d forgotten all about me now that you only call for Brooke,” I tell him, pretending to pout.

“Aw, Hales, I’m sorry I haven’t called you as much lately; you know I love you. I’ve just been busy, and then trying to solidify things with Brooke.”

“Luke, Luke, I was just busting your chops,” I assure him, “I know how it is when you’re at that certain stage.”

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” he asks.

“You and Brooke?” Brooke looks over at me at the mention of her name. “Yeah, it’s a little weird,” I tell him, blowing her a kiss when she glares at me. “Not in a bad way, though.”

“You really don’t mind, right, Hales? I mean, there are probably rules about dating your friend’s friends, right?”

I laugh, “I’m fine with it. Just remember what I said. I’ll hurt you if you hurt her.”

“Pain, lots of it, got it.”

“Hey, have you talked to Nathan lately?” I ask, figuring that even though I won’t tell Luke what’s going on with Nate, I can at least try and help them get things right a little.

“Uh, not really; I mean, he’s been so distant lately. I think he’s mad at me or something. I don’t know what I did.”

I sigh, knowing I can’t go into what I know. It just sucks because I know Luke is genuinely bothered by this, and I can’t help. “Look, Luke, I know it’s hard when Nathan gets all stubborn, but give him a call, try and talk to him, okay?”

“You know what’s going on, don’t you?” he accuses, and I can’t possibly deny it – he knows me too well.

“Luke, this is Nathan’s business. Please just talk to him, okay?”

He sighs, “Yeah, fine, I’ll try.”

“Thank you, Lucas,” I smile, glad I got my way, “I’ll pass you back to Brooke now. Happy New Year!”

“Happy New Year to you, too, Hales. Love you!”

"Love you, too, bye!” I pass him back to Brooke. “No phone sex here,” I warn her, laughing as she grins.

“Too late, already done!”

“You better be shitting me, Brooke,” Tim warns, “You were in my room!”

She laughs, waving him off as she walks down the hall again. I turn to shrug at Tim. “Well, there’s a lovely thought for you to sleep on tonight,” I tease.

“Huh, yeah,” he sighs, “So, do you feel a little bit better now? I mean, now that you got Luke to promise that he’ll call Nathan.”

I smile. “Yeah, I really do. I know Luke will call him, and they’ll straighten stuff out.” I’m still worried about Nathan, though. I have this feeling something else is going on, something he isn’t ready to talk about yet, and that makes me nervous.

“You sure worry about them a lot,” he comments lightly.

“They’re family to me. Luke, Karen, and Keith have been forever, but now Nathan and even Deb and Dan are, too,” I explain, shrugging.

He nods, and we fall into silence. It isn’t an uncomfortable silence, and I don’t make a move to fill it. We’re each lost in our own thoughts – his of, well, I don’t know what, and mine of Nathan.

~*~

~*~February 12, 2010~*~

“I hate airports,” I grumble as we maneuver through the crowd that is also headed for the baggage claim.

“Join the club,” Brooke whines back, “And it’s hotter than Hell in here. You’d think Michigan would have air conditioning or something. This is bullshit.”

“It’s February,” I remind her, “Maybe the damn heater is stuck on high or something. This is ridiculous.”

Brooke and I have flown to Michigan to spend the weekend with Luke. Well, I’ll spend the weekend alone in a hotel room for the most part probably, and Brooke and Luke will spend the weekend together. I think the only reason I’m here is so that Brooke doesn’t have to sit alone at the basketball game on Saturday night.

“Hey, two of my favorite ladies in the whole world,” Luke says from behind us. Brooke squeals and spins around, throwing herself into his arms.

“Boyfriend!” she crows, clearly thrilled to see him. I roll my eyes, but smile, turning away from the spectacle.

“Hey, you must be Haley,” a very, very tall guy says to me. Seriously, I have never felt so short in my entire life. Even though he’s clearly a friend of Luke’s, I must look at up him in shock because he laughs. “Sorry, Luke is obviously too busy to introduce us. I’m Imeka, one of his teammates. Everyone calls me Mek, though.”

I finally smile, glancing at Luke and Brooke who are still making out a few yards away. “I am Haley, and it is nice to meet you.”

“Likewise. So, how do you know Shrimpy over there?” I laugh at his nickname for Luke; compared to Imeka, Luke really is short.

“Best friends since forever ago,” I smile, “He’s practically my brother.”

“Hence the lack of typical womanly jealousy?” he jokes. I roll my eyes at him, and he says, defensively, “Hey, it’s true. Even women who you are ‘just friends’ with get all pissy about girlfriends. But you aren’t, so the sister thing makes sense.”

“Hales, I see you met Mek,” Luke grins, walking over with his arm around Brooke. When they get in front of me, he drops his arm from around her and pulls me into a hug. “I missed you, kid.”

“I missed you, too. You talked to Nathan yet?”

“That your brother?” Mek asks, “Nathan at UConn?”

Luke nods. “Yeah, he’s my brother, even when he’s a jackass.” Brooke elbows him. “Oh, right. Mek, this is Brooke, my lovely, lovely girlfriend. Brooke, this is Mek, one of the coolest guys on the team.”

“Wow, I think you’ve sufficiently kissed everyone’s ass but mine,” I tell him, rolling my eyes. Brooke puts a protective arm around my shoulder.

“You better be nice to her, Scott, or I will kick your ass. And Mek, it is my pleasure,” she grins, offering him her hand. “Any  friend of Luke’s, yadda yadda.”

He grins back at her. “Yeah, likewise. I think.”

Brooke walks ahead with Mek, discussing Luke’s dumbass moments. I hang back, grabbing Luke’s arm and making him stay back with me.

“So, what happened when you and Nathan talked?” I ask, still worried about Nathan over this. We’ve talked once or twice since, but he hasn’t wanted to go into this stuff again, and that concerns me. He gets really defensive about it, in fact.

“I asked him how he’s doing and if he wanted to talk about the barbeque. He got all hostile. Look, Hales, I know you want to make sure Nathan is okay, and you think I can help with that, but I don’t even know what his problem is.”

I sigh, frustrated with this situation, upset that I can’t help him. “I don’t know how to help him,” I tell Luke, “I can tell that this – this situation is stressing him out, not to mention a total burden to him.”

“Hales, I’d help him, but he doesn’t want it. It’s just easier if I wait it out, okay? This way he and I can still be friends; if I push it, I don’t know.”

“Okay,” I give up, knowing there is only so much Luke can do. Hell, there is only so much I can do, too.

“He’ll be okay,” he asserts, “Whatever he’s going through now couldn’t be worse than some of the other stuff he’s gone through.”

“Yeah,” I nod, trying to convince myself, “I guess so.”

~*~

“Isn’t this fun?” Brooke chirps from her seat beside me, “Look at him; he looks so gorgeous out there. Graceful like a cheetah.”

“You’ve spent too much time with your little animal books,” I tease, “But at least you gave him a kind of cool animal.”

“If I was talking to him, I’d say he was graceful like a ferret or something.” We both laugh. “Maybe a weasel.”

“He’d hurt you,” I laugh.

“Ah, but in pain there is pleasure, grasshopper,” she laughs, and I shake my head.

“Too much info, Tigger,” I laugh, “Please spare me further details on your painful pleasure sex life, alright?”

“You’re no fun,” she pouts. Luke scores, and the crowd goes wild so Brooke forgets what she was going to say next as she stands up and cheers for him. “Doesn’t he look hot, Tutor Girl?”

“Yeah, he’s the epitome of masculinity,” I deadpan, but crack up when she looks at me in surprise.

“Hey, I can tell you from personal experience – “

“Brooke, do not finish that thought,” I warn, glaring at her. We both jump when my phone rings. “Shit, I’ve got to get this, I’m going out where it’s quieter.” She nods her understanding and I run up and out of the loud arena.

“Hello?” I ask, suddenly grateful for my morning runs with Tim since I’m not out of breath after that long flight of stairs.

“Haley? Where are you, it sounds loud?” he asks.

“At Luke’s basketball game,” I tell him, smiling. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m at Luke’s game, or if it is because I’m just talking to him. Maybe it’s because I’m talking to him from Luke’s game, I don’t know anymore.

“Is it on TV?” he asks, sounding confused.

I laugh. “No, I’m in Ann Arbor. I came out with Brooke so that they could get kinky for Valentine’s Day. I’m just here to hang with her while Luke is busy.”

He laughs, too. “Must be fun for you.”

“Oh, right, it’s great. I’m sure I’ll have a lot of fun sitting in my hotel room tonight while Brooke and Luke are out doing whatever it is they do. I still won’t let Brooke give me details.”

“Probably a good idea. You know, you should’ve come and visit me instead, I wouldn’t have ditched you for kinky sex,” he teases, “But I also wouldn’t have ruled out kinky sex with you!” Even though he sounds light and, well, I guess, carefree, I can tell that something is bothering him.

“How’s everything going?” I ask him, deciding it’s better – or easier – to ignore his joking.

“It’s alright,” he sighs, “It really is. And before you ask, no, I haven’t talked to Dad or Luke about things. You can scold me now.”

“Nathan, I’m not going to scold you,” I tell him, smiling to myself, “It’s your choice. Do I think you should? Yeah, of course, but I’m not going to tell you that you have to.”

“Thanks, Haley. How come you’re the only one I can talk to about this?”

“I don’t know, Nate. Anyways, we don’t have to talk about it unless you want to. How are things otherwise?”

“Shitty. I’ll be glad when school is done and I can concentrate on basketball.” Wow, this is a change from Mr. 4.0 last year. “I’m just sick of having to study and apply myself and shit.” And he says it with such fervor that I know he means it.

“Oh, okay.” I don’t know what else to say.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t dump all this shit on you, and I know that, “he sighs,” It’s just that all of a sudden I feel lost. Like I don’t know what I want to do, and I don’t know if anything I can do is even good enough.”

Oh, Nathan. He sounds so broken, and I don’t think there is anything I can do to fix him. “Hey, you’re going to be great at anything you do, Nate, I know this. In my heart, I know this. No doubts, none. And you can call me anytime you need to, you know that, right?”

I can hear him take a deep, shuddery sounding breath. “I’m glad you think so, because I just don’t know anymore. What do I do?”

He sounds lost and forlorn, but I can’t fix that for him. Whatever is going on with him, it’s an internal struggle that, no matter how much I wish otherwise, he has to fix for himself.

“I can’t tell you what to do, Nathan, I’m sorry. If I could fix whatever this is for you, I would, but I can’t.”

“That’s not what I wanted to hear,” he chuckles.

I laugh, too. “I know, but it’s all I’ve got for you.” Swallowing my pride and jealousy, I suggest, “What about Stacy? Maybe she can help you.”

“Haley, she’s dumb as a rock. She can’t help herself even.”

“Nathan!” I exclaim, choking back a laugh, “That is a terrible thing to say about your girlfriend!”

He laughs, too. “Good thing she isn’t my girlfriend anymore. She’s moved onto one of the guys on the team who are pretty much guaranteed to play in the NBA. Couldn’t take her chances on a white guy who is on the shorter side.”

“Oh, Nate, I’m sorry,” I tell him, meaning it. It would suck to get dumped for someone else, so I sympathize with him, although I don’t take this news as being a bad thing.

He laughs again. “Hey, it’s fine. I mean, it sure isn’t like she was the love of my life or anything.”

“Nathan, that doesn’t exactly make it unaffecting, though.” He remains silent. “Nathan,” I sigh, trying again, “You can admit it sucks and you’re angry.”

“What if I’m not? Haley, I don’t care. It’s just one of those things that were there, and so you took it, but then when it’s gone you realize you didn’t really want it anyways.”

“Okay,” I give up, recognizing an argument I can’t possibly win. Besides, I think I’d be crazy if I tried to convince him otherwise.

“I mean it. I’m okay. Besides, if she’s really such a gold digger or whatever, don’t you think I’m better off without her?” he asks practically.

“Well, when you put it that way, of course you are,” I agree. In more ways than one. “Did you kick your teammates ass? The one she’s mooching off of now, I mean?”

He laughs. “I thought you always told me to be a lover and not a fighter? What happened to that?”

“Hey, he stole your girlfriend,” I protest, “I mean, if that isn’t ass kicking grounds, then I don’t know what is!”

“I think he’ll get what’s coming to him in other ways,” he decides, “But it is nice to know I have your seal of ass kicking approval.”

“Glad I can be of service,” I laugh.

“Seriously, Haley, she wasn’t important to me. I mean it wasn't like she was y – well, she wasn’t important.”

Was he going to say like me? I want to ask so bad if that’s what he was thinking, but I can’t – I might not want to know the answer.

“Hey, Nathan? I think the game is over, Brooke is going to be looking for me soon.”

“You have to go?”

“Yeah, I probably should. Brooke gets all kinds of irritated when she has to wait for something or someone. She’d probably take my phone and hang up on you.”

He laughs. “If you want to get rid of me, say so, you don’t have to have Brooke do it for you.”

“I never want to get rid of you,” I tell him, smiling, “But I should go, unfortunately. Call me later, if you need.”

“Thanks, Haley J, I might take you up on that,” he says softly, melting my heart.

“Goodbye,” I tell him, not really wanting to let go, hang up, whatever.

“Later.”

I feel like I need to sit, but there is nowhere really conducive to that, especially now that people are filing out on their way home. Brooke and I have explicit instructions to hang around by one of the entrances until Luke can get away from the team and meet us.

Brooke comes up behind me, slinging an arm over my shoulder. “What up, chica?” she asks in a sing-song voice.

“Not much,” I tell her, smiling to myself knowing that answer will never be good enough for her.

“Bzzz, wrong answer,” she laughs, “Was that Nathan? No, no, don’t answer, I already know it was. What’d he say?”

“Stacy broke up with him,” I tell her, my voice hushed and I sound kind of in awe, which makes me cringe. I don’t want to be in awe of Nathan.

“You gonna make your move?” she questions in that way that only Brooke can. I don’t answer right away, and she pokes me in the side.

“I can’t,” I tell her, sighing, “It’s too soon for me to move on; it wasn’t that long ago that I was leaving Jason at the altar, remember?”

She rolls her eyes, throwing her hands up in the air. “Okay, Tutor Girl? You know I love you, but sometimes you are the dumbest person on the planet.” I open my mouth to protest, but she puts up a hand to silence me. “No, let me say this. You need to get over yourself. I know you aren’t missing Jason – so you need to get past this bullshit where you think you can martyr yourself like this! You are purposely holding yourself back from going after what you really want out of a sense of guilt.”

“Come on, Tigger,” I sigh, “I can’t rush into a new relationship.”

”Rushing! Where’s the rush? It has been practically a year, and you’re still holding onto this thing like it was yesterday! You need to let it go!”

“You think it is just that easy, Tigger? Because it isn’t. It isn’t easy to just forget what I did to him, what I did to everyone when I ran out on him. And it isn’t easy to think of what I did before that, encouraging Jason when I knew I was still in love with Na – “ I look up at her, and we blink at each other in surprise. “Shit,” I breathe.

“Wow,” she exhales, looking over at me. I nod at her, agreeing with the sentiment. “Did you just admit that you were – are – uh, were? Still in love with Nathan?”

I nod again. “I think I might’ve. Oh, damn, this isn’t good,” I sigh, leaning against the brick wall for support. “I’m not supposed to love my ex after all this time. Shit.”

Her eyes are wide as she watches me, trying to formulate a response to my admission. “Wow. I mean, I know I said that, but wow. Of course, I knew you did, especially as of late, but still.”

“Are you more surprised that I love him or more surprised that I figured it out and admitted it?”

She lets out a little peal of laughter. “Both, I think. Well, probably more that you admitted it; I was beginning to think you never would.”

I nod. “Well, hell, now I don’t know what to do.”

“Tell him?”

I frown in distaste at her. “Um, I don’t think so!”

“Why not? Jesus, Tutor Girl, if you love him, he should know. I think you owe it to both of you to tell him the truth about that.”

“I can’t,” I whine, “I just can’t. Going down that road again would be too hard, especially since I don’t know where Nathan’s head is now. I can’t risk it.”

She looks at me like I’m the biggest moron in the world. “If you never take a risk, you’ll never, ever get anything that actually matters to you. Now, look, you know I don’t care for Nathan a whole lot. But damn, if you love him, go for it!”

I nod, not wanting to say anything right now. No matter what I decide in the end, this isn’t something I can jump into, and I can’t do it just because Brooke thinks I should. And in all honesty, I’m scared. He hasn’t given me any indication he feels anything beyond friendship for me.

“We’ll see. I’m not ready to do that yet,” I tell her, and she nods, finally not pushing it. “When I’m ready, though, I will,” I promise.

“Good girl,” she smiles.

We find the entrance that Luke told us to wait for him by, and after waiting for about a half hour, he shows up.

”Took ya long enough,” I mutter as Brooke throws herself at him and wraps both her arms and her legs around him as if I’m not even standing here. “Look, I can find my way back to the hotel, so I’ll let you two go and get your evening started.”

I start to walk away, stopping only when Luke calls my name. “Wait a sec, Hales.” He turns to Brooke. “Five minutes?” She nods, and he kisses her cheek and jogs over towards me. “What’s going on?”

I shake my head. “Luke, nothing is going on. I just feel like the third wheel here because, well, I am. And no offense to either you or Brooke, because I love and adore you both, but I don’t want to be your third wheel.”

“But you’d rather go back to your hotel room and mope and pine over Nathan, right? That’s such a better option?”

“I didn’t say that, Luke,” I tell him, sounding tired.

“Yeah, but you will, and you are. Pining, that is. It is so obvious, Hales. I just don’t know if it’s a good idea, though.”

“I’m not pining over Nathan,” I say defensively, not wanting to talk to him about this if he’s so against it, “You’re crazy if you think so, as a matter of fact.”

“You’re full of shit, Hales,” Luke laughs, “It’s pretty obvious that you’re still hung up on him. Just be careful, okay? I mean, you’ve been through a lot this last year, and I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“I’m not going to get hurt, Luke, I’m fine. Besides, it’s not like anything is even happening, okay?”

“Yeah, maybe not, but you wish it would, don’t you? You can tell me, Hales,” he sighs, running a hand through his overly moussed hair.

“He and Stacy broke up,” I offer, as if that makes even the slightest difference in how things will progress, or how I feel or how Nathan feels.

“Does that matter? You wanted him back before that anyways, right? So what difference does it make that your roadblock is out of your way.”

“Luke, I don’t know what I want right now,” I say firmly, meaning it, “I’m not trying to pursue anything with Nathan, either. Now, does that mean I’m not open to the possibility? No, it doesn’t, but I’m not expecting it or seeking it. Besides, he’ll probably have a new girlfriend by the end of the month.”

He shakes his head at me, seeing right through everything I’m saying. “Whatever, Hales. Look, I’ve got to go. Brooke and I do have plans. Thanks for being a good sport about all this.”

“I’m glad you two are happy,” I tell him enigmatically.

“I know, and I love you for it. Hey, I’m sorry I seem so harsh about this whole thing with Nathan, but I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go after him right now.”

I nod, not knowing what to say. “I – yeah, I know. I wouldn’t do that, Luke.”

He nods back at me, offering me a small smile before turning back to Brooke who is staring at us from her position twenty yards away with unabashed curiosity. She waves at me as he takes her arm and pulls her off.

I walk slowly back to the hotel, not really wanting to be alone right now. Of course, the options for remedying that aren’t too appealing either. What I really want, though, is to pick up the phone and try Nathan’s number and see if he is still around. But I don’t, for whatever reason.

~*~

~*~March, 2010~*~

The rest of the trip proves tame, and Brooke and I are back in Durham ensconced in school and caught up in the Duke basketball season again before we know it. UConn is coming to town this week, and although I haven’t said as much, I am really excited.

I haven’t talked to him since Valentine’s Day, though. I don’t know why exactly. I tried calling him once, and he returned my call when I was gone, and once Tim gave me the message, I tried calling him back. We never managed to connect, though, so for all I know, he doesn’t want me at the game.

I don’t necessarily think that is the case, but you never know. Anyways, I’ll be there, and this time I’ll be sitting with Brooke and Tim in the student section. There will be no pressure on him that way to see me after the game. Deb and Dan did request I go with them, but I declined, being honest for once and telling them that I didn’t know where I stood with Nathan, and that I didn’t think forcing his hand was the best way to go about it.

They didn’t understand my reasoning; I could tell this by the looks on their faces as I explained. But they were kind, and didn’t push me for more of an explanation. I guess that a lot of people figured that once I ran out on Jason, I would be immediately back with Nathan. Funny how that is one of the furthest things from the truth.

So here I am, standing in line to get into the student section at the Duke v. UConn game here. Brooke and Tim are with me, chattering excitedly. Tim has his arm slung around my shoulder, and Brooke is bemoaning the new outfits that the Duke cheerleaders are wearing tonight.

“They make their hips look fat,” she says in disgust, “Seriously, did they even bother to try them on before purchasing?”

Tim leans closer, pulling me with him, presumably for a closer look. “Nope, they look pretty damn good to me,” he grins, wiggling his eyebrows at Brooke, causing her to fume.

“You’re supposed to agree with me,” she says darkly, “At least I have Tutor Girl on my side. Right?”

I try to suppress my grin. “Well, whatever you say, Tigger, even though I think they look cute.”

“Traitor,” she chokes out, looking suitably shocked. Tim and I both laugh at her expression. “What?”

“Nothing, nevermind,” Tim laughs, and I agree. “Drop it, Tigger.”

“Fine,” she sighs, dramatically, “So, are we on Nathan watch?”

So much for pragmatism. Even Tim looks at me curiously. “Nathan watch? Why would you think I’d be on Nathan watch?”

“Because you’re you, and he’s your Nathan. And because you’ve been distracted lately, and you have that same look you always had on your face back during freshman year when you’d first broken up.”

“Brooke,” I say warningly, not wanting to get into this tonight, not here, at least, “Let’s not do this right now, okay?”

”I’m just saying,” she shrugs.

“Well, don’t,” I retort crossly. I shrug Tim’s arm off my shoulder, and turn around to make my way down the steps to our seats. I carelessly bump into someone, groaning inwardly when I realize that it is Jason.

“Here to see your boyfriend?” he asks, his eyes narrowing at me. If I’d ever had any doubts as to what Jason thought caused me to run out, they’d be erased now.

“I don’t have a boyfriend, Jason,” I say, feeling tired all of a sudden. I would rather be anywhere than here having this conversation with him again.

“You know, I was going to come see you,” he says, looking away from me towards the court, “I was beginning to think that I was being such a big asshole about everything, and that you didn’t really deserve that. But it’s kind of hard to remember why I should apologize when you’re here lusting after the guy who broke us up.”

“It isn’t like that,” I say, even though I know it will fall on deaf ears. I feel Brooke and Tim come up behind me.

“Jason, I think your friends are waiting for you,” Tim says diplomatically, pointing to a group of guys I recognize as being from Jason’s frat. I’m glad that he has so many friends to always do stuff with.

Jason glares at Tim for a brief second before nodding at him once. “Yeah, I guess they are. You know, it is good to find out who your real ones are. And of course, who will stab you in the back the first chance they get.” His voice is raising and we’re beginning to gain an audience. I look away nervously, not wanting to get involved with this. “Oh, what?” he yells, louder with each word, “Is that too painful to hear, Haley? Why? It’s the fucking truth! You’re a stupid little slut who ditched me at the altar for your ex-boyfriend.”

Before I can even react beyond ‘why is he getting this way now after all this time and after he said maybe he was being too hard on me’, Brooke’s hand shoots out and she slaps him across the face. “Listen up, you pathetic piece of shit,” she defends, stepping around me so she is looking directly up at him, “I have tolerated you ragging on my best friend for almost eight months now.  I’ve done this because I know it is what she wanted. But not anymore, not ever again. Get over it, and stay the hell away from her.”

She’s screaming even louder than he was, and I am overcome by this really strange urge to laugh, but if I know anything, it is that now is not the time. So instead, I insipidly swing my gaze back and forth between them for a minute before turning away from both and finding an empty seat several rows away. To my horror, practically everyone in the arena is staring at us, including a bunch of the players who were warming up. I can’t even bear to check if Nathan is one of those players, but I can practically feel that he is.

I can’t stay here. There is no way, not now. I stand up slowly and march back up the stairs. It takes everything in me not to run, not to sprint like instinct is telling me I should.

”Haley! Haley, wait!” Tim calls from behind me.

I stop, waiting for him. “Hey,” I say softly, attempting a smile. “I’m okay, Tim, you should go enjoy the game,” I encourage, “No need to miss it on my account.”

“Oh, knock it off, you know you want my company,” he grins, again placing his arm around my shoulder. “So, you okay?”

“I don’t know what I expect, Tim. I know that what I did to Jason sucked, and that he has every right to hate me, but then I don’t want him to. And I feel so bad, so incredibly bad and guilty over everything, but I still can’t fix things.”

He kisses me on my temple. “Maybe you aren’t supposed to fix things, James. Maybe this is something that is unfixable, and you just need to move on now. Let it go.”

“I wish it were that simple.”

“Look, Haley, I respect that you want to make things up to Jason, and I even respect that you feel guilty about things. The problem is, you can’t change his mind, you can’t make him act a certain way, and you can’t make him feel something he doesn’t. It’s time to stop trying.”

I glance up at him, finally managing a smile. “You watch too much daytime television. Dr. Phil, to be exact.” We both laugh a little.

“Well, he’s a smart, old Southern boy,” he reasons, “If watching him is bad, maybe I don’t want to be right.”

We laugh, and I look around, expecting Brooke. “Uh, where’s Tigger?”

He looks at the ground. “She’s probably kicking my cousin’s ass right about now,” he mumbles, “She told me to go and she’d stay. I agreed because I was worried about you.”

“Thanks,” I smile, trying not to think of what horrors Brooke is probably inflicting on Jason right now.

“Think she’s drawn blood yet?” he asks with a laugh.

“Probably,” I nod, trying not to think of what on earth she could be doing to him. “We shouldn’t be laughing at the idea,” I tell him, smiling.

“Yeah, I guess not,” he agrees, “But it’s funny. Look at Brooke, all girly and little, but she can get pretty crazy when she has to.”

“She’s tough, and she’s protective. And overall, she’s just a really good friend.”

“So are you,” he tells me, squeezing me. “So don’t even think you aren’t, okay?” I nod, grateful that he’s here with me.

“You want to go back in and watch some of the game? Look for Brooke, maybe?” He shakes his head, though, groaning. I follow his gaze, turning to see Brooke being escorted out by a security person.

“Tim, Tutor Girl,” she sniffs disdainfully, “Tell this guy to take his hands off me! It isn’t my fault that I had to ream Jason out, is it?”

The security guard scowls at her, and yanks on her arm. “Uh, sir?” I ask, stepping in; it is only right since she was defending my honor. “Please don’t take her away. She was just helping me out.”

“Look, one way or the other, she has to leave. You guys can go with her, but she’s gone. And I’m following to make sure of it.”

“Let’s go then,” I sigh, suddenly upset again over missing the game.

“No, you stay, Haley, go find Karen and Keith or something. I can escort our little shitstirrer home, no problem.”

Even though I want to stay, I can’t. After what Brooke did in standing up for me, I’m not sending her home, kicked out of the damn arena. No way. “Nah, I’d rather hang out with you guys, actually.”

“Liar,” Brooke laughs, shoving me away. “No, go. Find Karen, cry on her shoulder for awhile. I mean it, you shouldn’t miss watching Nathan play because Jason is a jackass and I’m a hothead.”

I give her a hug. “Thank you for being a hothead. That was strangely awesome of you,” I laugh.

She curtsies – well, she attempts a curtsy, but the security guard won’t let her. “Have fun!” she calls as she’s dragged off. As Tim follows her down the corridor, I can hear him teasing her.

Figuring I look awful, I duck into a nearby bathroom and splash a little cold water on my cheeks. Once I look calmer, I step back out, making my way over to the ticket counter. To sit in the visitor section, I will need to buy a ticket, which I do.

I stand at the top of the section, noticing finally that the game is already well underway. I spot Karen and Keith who are of course sitting by Dan and Deb. Since I can’t stand here for the entirety of the game, I make my way down to their seats, suddenly glad for unassigned seating.

“Haley!” Karen exclaims when I touch her shoulder, “What are you doing here?” Oh, she is such a bad liar. I can tell from the look on her face that they saw everything that happened with Jason, but it’s nice that they’ll pretend they didn’t.

“Oh, Brooke and Tim had to leave,” I say, and I’m sure they all know the reason why. Both Keith and Dan look like they’re trying to contain their laughter. “Okay, get it out,” I encourage, “Just laugh at Brooke getting kicked out because of me. It is a little funny.”

“Aw, honey, it wasn’t so bad,” Keith grins, “That Brooke is sure a spitfire. She has a good right hook, too.”

“What? She didn’t tell me she hit him!” I exclaim, worried.

Dan laughs, “He was fine, looked more stunned than anything. I’m sure he wasn’t hurt. Look, he’s still here, he must be fine.”

I sigh, collapsing into the seat next to Karen. “I can’t believe Brooke hit someone. No wonder she got kicked out of here.”

Deb reaches around Karen and pats me on the arm. “I’m sure she had a good reason, if that makes you feel any better.”

I nod. “I know she did, I just feel bad that I was the good reason. I’m sure he said something about me,” I sigh.

“Well, then he got what he deserves,” Keith grins loyally.

I don’t know if I agree with that all things considered, but I’ll take each and every bit of support that I can get, so I smile widely at him. We watch the game, having a terrific time cheering for Nathan. He plays a great game, and there are a couple of instances where he seeks us out and we make eye contact.

After the game, I accept the invitation to wait with them to see him. We stand around in the same place that we did a couple of years ago, and I can’t help but think of how different things would be now if I’d gone after what I’d wanted then. It’s weird because this is the first time I’ve let myself think of this. All along, I’ve insisted to others and myself that I was right and that what I was doing was for the best, but here I am in a near-empty arena questioning all the beliefs I’ve held true for the last three and a half years.

And then here he is. Right in front of me, hugging his parents. He still looks uncomfortable around Dan, and I know immediately he hasn’t been able to talk to him about how he feels about the effort Dan makes with Luke and not him. He kisses Karen on the cheek and hugs Keith, asking them where Eric is.

“We found a sitter for him,” Karen explains, “He’s at that age where he doesn’t want to be held and wants to get into everything. We figured it’d be much more enjoyable if he was running someone else ragged for the evening.”

“I bet he’s getting big,” he smiles, and I’m beginning to think he’s avoiding me altogether. I feel incredibly out of place here all of a sudden, even though I know I shouldn’t.

Deb looks between he and I, trying to gauge what is going on. I shrug at her to indicate I don’t know.

He finally looks over my way and offers me a lopsided smile. My heart melts at the sight of his trademark smirk, and I manage one of my own in response. He gives me a quick hug. “Hey,” he smiles, “You need me to kick some ass for you?”

“Even the players saw that?” I ask, groaning.

“It wasn’t very quiet,” he shrugs, “And then Brooke nailed him. I always knew she was mean, but I didn’t know she was mean like that. I’m glad we ran in the same crowd back in elementary school; she could’ve kicked my ass.”

“I missed that part. Sounds like it was the best part of the whole ordeal.”

“What’d he say to you?” he asks curiously.

“Exactly what you’d expect him to say considering where we were.”

“He attacked you because I was playing in the game?” he asks incredulously, “That guy is delusional. We all know you stopped loving me a long time ago, and crap, it’s not like I’m even still wasting my time thinking of you. I mean, in the way that I used to.”

I nod my head jerkily. “Oh, no, of course not. He’s just uhm, grasping for any reason, anywhere to place the blame I guess.”

Well, I guess there’s that. Now I know exactly where I stand with him – he doesn’t waste his time thinking of me. Saves me the agony of embarrassment if I’d confessed how I was feeling to him at least. But this – this is so hard, standing here in front of him, trying not to let him know how he’s affected me with his words, how crushed I’m feeling.

I glance away from him, and I see the looks of recognition on the faces of Deb and Karen, and possibly Dan and Keith. It’s embarrassing that they know what I was feeling, and it is all I can do not to cry. If they know, what if Nathan can see it, too?

I step back from him, giving myself a chance to regroup my defenses. I plaster a nice, big smile on my face. “Well, I’d better get going. I um, have a project due tomorrow, and I need to give a call to my partner see if she’s ready to go. It was nice to see all of you.”

I walk away, which is weird for me. I didn’t even wait for a response, and I always do. I hear footsteps behind me, but I don’t look to see who it is. I already know that it’s Nathan. He’s the only one who wouldn’t let me go even though they all knew full well I wanted to leave. No, Nathan is the only one who would chase me down and make me spill what’s bothering me.

His warm hand grasps my upper arm, and I stop, not wanting to look like more of an ass than I already know I do. “What’s up?” I ask cheerily, sounding fake to my own ears.

“Why’d you run off?” I can tell he is confused, and that breaks my heart just a little bit more. We’re so far apart now that he doesn’t even know, doesn’t even get it.

“Like I said, project tomorrow.” I turn to pull away, but he grips my arm tighter.

“Don’t lie to me, Haley. I know you better than that – what’s going on?”

I shake my head, knowing that there is no way in hell I can tell him what’s going on, what I’m thinking, and especially what I’m feeling right now. “It’s nothing, Nathan, let it go,” I whisper, appealing to him with the sense of urgency in my voice.

“Knock it off, you can’t brush me off like this. Why would you want to? Did I piss you off somehow? No, it couldn’t be that.  I don’t see or talk to you enough for that, and you’d tell me anyways.”

I manage a small smile at him. “I’m not mad at you. I’m not mad at anyone. I’m just tired and drained, and I want to go home.”

He stares at me, and I know he doesn’t believe me, but I also know that he doesn’t want to push me anymore, not when I’m like this. “Well, if you really have to go, who am I to keep you?”

I want to tell him that he’s everything, everyone – all that matters, but I bite my tongue. I give him a small wave, stepping backwards when he takes a small step towards me, moving in as if to hug me. His brow furrows at the realization that I’m trying to avoid him, and he opens his mouth, but I turn my back on him, eager to avoid this conversation.

“Bye Nathan,” I call over my shoulder as I hurry away. He doesn’t say anything, and I realize that after the way I just acted, I neither expected nor deserved a response anyways.

The fresh, cold air outside hits me like a ton of bricks. There are still plenty of people out here, joking around with each other and cheering over Duke’s victory. I stumble away from them, my tears beginning to blind me. There is no one I want to be around right now, not even Brooke or Tim. Maybe Luke, if he were here. Whipping out my phone, I scroll through and find his number, waiting impatiently as it rings.

“’Lo?”

“Luke? Were you sleeping?” I ask, confused.

“No, just drunk,” he mumbles, “Hales? Is that you?” I start laughing, and he bursts out, “Hales! It is you!”

I guess now isn’t a good time to talk to him about this, but at least he made me laugh. “It’s me, Lukie. I was just calling to say hi. I miss you.”

“Miss you, too, Hales! Miss Brooke, too. Give each other a kiss for me.” I laugh, and after a second, he adds, “Wait till I get there for that, though.”

“Luke, I’m gonna let you go. Thank you.”

“For what?” he asks, clearly confused.

“For being you. Love you.”

“Love you more, Hales. Bye!”

We hang up, and I’m back to feeling sorry for myself. For awhile now I’ve known that Nathan was more to me than an ex-boyfriend or husband, but tonight it was solidified. Losing the possibility of ever having anything with him is this crushing weight bearing down on me.

I find a quiet bench away from the cheerful basketball fans, and sit down. The night is cold, but the sky is clear. There are stars out, and as I gaze up at them, I feel empty. Without Nathan, I feel empty. I am empty, and the worst part is, it took me all this time to realize it. Denial at its finest, I guess.

Chapter 16

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