The Ones Left Behind

By Brynne

Chapter Eleven – Heart of the Matter

I'm learning to live without you now

But I miss you, Baby

The more I know, the less I understand

All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter

But everything changes

And my friends seem to scatter

But I think it's about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore – Don Henley

~*~May, 2008~*~

Karen and Keith are getting married today. As maid of honor, this should be foremost on my mind right now, but all I can think of is the fact that Nathan will be here. Nathan will be here with a date. Nathan will be here with a date, and I’ll be here with Jason, and I’m sure it’ll be awkward and maybe a little painful. I still don’t want to see him with another girl even though I have and love Jason.

“Hales!” Lucas shouts, “Hales, get your ass down here!”

I roll my eyes, glancing at Karen who is trying to suppress a grin. “He’s pushy today,” she laughs.

“Today? Geez. I think he’s just really excited for you guys to get married,” I tell her as I help her fasten her necklace, “He’s been waiting for you two to figure it out for a long, long time.”

“Well, he’s not the only one who is excited,” she smiles, basically giddy, “This is – well, I know it will be a great day!”

“Of course it will,” I grin, so happy for her. She’s been like a mother to her, and her happiness means a lot to me.

“Oh, honey, you look beautiful!” she exclaims, I guess noticing for the first time that I’ve got my dress and I’m all ready to go. “That color is just lovely on you.”

The dress is a deep red color, strapless and form-fitting, falling to mid knee. Karen will be carrying red flowers that match my dress, and I’ll be carrying ivory flowers that match hers. The wedding was supposed to be held inside, but it is just gorgeous outside, and at the last minute this morning, Karen decided to have a small area set up in the garden so that it could be held outside.

Lucas comes barging in, probably tired of us not answering. “Wow, Mom, you look great,” he grins, as he tries to catch his breath, “Keith is gonna die.”

“Well, I certainly hope he doesn’t!” I exclaim, and Karen laughs. Luke turns to me, his jaw dropping wide open as he sees me.

“Damn, Hales, you look hot. I – I – I mean, you know, for a best friend, and all,” he stutters, trying to play it off.

I step closer to him, kissing him on the cheek. “I’ll give you two a minute alone.”

I walk down the stairs and take a seat in the hall, waiting for Lucas and Karen to come downstairs. Keith is out here, and he comes over and sits by me.

“Excited?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

He just looks at me like ‘duh’. “I’ve been waiting for this since I met her,” he confirms, “Way back in high school when I was just Dan’s plain older brother.”

“Long time ago, huh?” I laugh, nudging him.

“Eons,” he agrees. “I just feel like all my dreams are coming true now, after all this time. Even after having given up on them so many times. Everything has come together perfectly. Funny how even back when I was sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, I knew what I wanted, where I’d end up.”

His words hit me hard, and I think about Nathan. “Some things are just meant to be, Keith, and you and Karen are one of them.”

“Yeah, we are,” he smiles, happier than I’ve seen him since Eric was born.

“Okay, now you need to get out of here before Karen comes downstairs in her dress!” I tell him, shooing him out as Deb walks in with Eric.

“Haley!” she exclaims, “You look amazing. Oh, honey, you’re beautiful.”

I blush at the compliments. “Well, thank you, and you’re looking lovely today, too. And you,” I say to Eric, “Aren’t you my handsome little Scott boy.”

“Always had a weakness for those Scott men, huh?” Deb asks, joking.

“Probably too soft of a spot,” I nod, brushing my finger over Eric’s cheek as I inhale his baby smell. “God, this kid is perfect.”

“He is a good baby,” Deb concurs. “So, how are you doing today?”

I smile at Eric, but it is partially directed to Deb. I just don’t want to look her in the eye – she’ll either see that I’m nervous about seeing Nathan and what that means for Jason and I, or she’ll see that Jason means so very much to me, and either way, I can’t. I just can’t show those feelings to her.

“Um, I’m doing good. I’m really excited for Karen and Keith, and I’ve never been a bridesmaid before,” I grin.

“Really? I would’ve thought with all of your siblings that you would have been in at least one or two weddings.”

“Oh, no. I don’t know, it never came up,” I sigh, “But now I get to do this one, and it’s perfect. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather stand up for than Karen and Keith.”

She smiles, letting me get away with avoiding the subject of Nathan, which I know she wants to bring up. It isn’t really a secret that Deb and Dan still wish Nathan and I were together, but luckily neither have been pushy about it.

Lucas comes bounding down the stairs. “Okay, she’s finally ready!” he grins, standing beside me and smiling at Eric. “God, Hales, it is freakishly natural for you to have a child in your arms.”

I slug him in the arm with my free hand. “Bite your tongue.” He laughs. We all quiet down as Karen descends the stairs looking resplendent in her bridal gown.

“Oh, Kar,” Deb smiles, tearing up, “You look wonderful. The most beautiful bride ever; Keith won’t know what to do!”

I can’t stop smiling at her except to direct it briefly at Luke when he puts his arm around my shoulder.

“Deb, can I have a minute with the kids?” Karen asks.

“Of course,” Deb smiles, as Lucas bristles at being called ‘kid’. I elbow him sharply in the side. Deb leaves, and Karen walks over to us, taking a squirming Eric from me.

“I just wanted to tell you both how much I love you. Haley, you are as much a daughter to me as these two are sons, and I love you with everything that I have.”

“Oh, Karen,” I whisper, tears springing to my eyes, “You’re going to make both of us cry!”

She nods, dabbing at her eyes. “I know, but I can’t help it,” she cry-laughs. She turns to Luke, smiling with the tears in her eyes. “And Lucas, you’ve been my rock. Every good decision I’ve made in my life was because I had you to consider. I love you, baby.” She leans over and hugs him, and I wrap my arms around all three of them.

Lucas leans back, looking down so we won’t see the tears in his eyes, too. “Well, let’s go add a member to our family, what do you say?”

Karen beams at him. “Let’s go.” She passes Eric back to me to pass to Deb before taking Luke’s arm, and we all step outside ready for the wedding to begin.

Deb takes Eric, and as the music begins, walks down the aisle with him. Since it is a small ceremony, Lucas and I are the only attendants, so I’m next. I see Nathan out of the corner of my eye in the front row sitting next to Dan and a very, very blonde girl I assume is his date, so I avert my gaze to the bride’s side where Jason is sitting with Brooke and Tim and give them a wide smile.

Brooke waves at me, giving me the thumbs up, probably because I left my hair the way she’d done it this morning. As I approach the aisle, I grin at Keith and can’t resist giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I take my place to the side of the altar and turn, waiting expectantly for Karen and Luke.

They approach slowly, Karen smiling and waving at everyone as she passes them. I catch Nathan’s eye again, and this time I can’t look away, so we share a brief moment. I actually feel like I travel back through time a little to our wedding, so many years ago now. It wasn’t like this – not even close. But it was special and romantic, and I can’t help but remember it fondly.

I’m so focused on Nathan that I let out a scream when something hits me in the legs, almost knocking me over. It’s Eric – he’s apparently squirmed away from Deb, so I bend down and pick him up. Keith reaches over and tousles his hair, laughing at us.

“Hey, buddy, there’s mommy,” I tell him, pointing. He just laughs and waves his arms up and down, eliciting laughs from everyone whose eyes aren’t on Karen.

The ceremony passes in a blur. I tear up at several points, and I laugh and cheer at others. It is truly the perfect wedding ceremony. When the minister finally pronounces them man and wife, Keith has Karen lifted in his arms before he can even receive the instruction to kiss his bride.

Eric cries out for Karen, who takes him from me before they walk down the aisle together. Luke steps over to me, offering me his arm.

“They finally did it,” he beams.

”I know. Remember when we were about eight, and we decided that they should just do it? Just go ahead and get married?” I ask as we start back down the aisle. I blow Jason a kiss as we walk past him.

He groans, “It only took twelve years. Can you believe that?”

“Everything works out the way it is supposed to in the end. I think that is the moral of the story.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

When we get to where Karen and Keith are with Eric, they pull us into a group hug, and I start to cry. I can’t help it – I’ve never felt nearly as much a part of my own family as I do this one. I excuse myself, stepping out the door on the opposite side of the building, knowing I’ll have a few minutes to compose myself before Lucas or Jason come looking for me.

“Hey, Haley J,” he says from behind me. I wipe my tears away, turning to face him.

I manage a tremulous smile in his direction before I turn away, looking down. “Hey, Nathan, nice wedding, huh?”

“Yeah, very,” he agrees, “But nice weddings don’t make you cry like this. What’s going on?”

“Nothing, really. I mean, well, it’s silly. But when Karen and Keith hugged Lucas and Eric after the wedding, they pulled me in, too, and I just – they’re my family. They are more my family than the people I’m related to genealogically. Isn’t that weird?”

He lays a hand on my arm, and I again turn towards him. “I don’t think its weird, I think it is nice. They love you, Haley, and I know you love them. What’s weird about that?”

“I don’t know, maybe the weird part is that my ‘real’ family has no use for me.”

“They never did know what they were missing,” he assures me. “Besides, you’re too good for any of them, anyways,” he says, crinkling his nose, getting me to giggle.

“Come on, everyone will be wondering where we are.”

I start back inside, but he stops me with his next remark. “Are you afraid your pretty boy will get jealous or something?”

“Nathan,” I sigh, “It’s not that. But he will be looking for me, and I could kind of use a hug right now, so if you don’t mind.”

He moves closer to me, grabbing my hand and pulling me into a hug. “There was a time when my hugs were good enough for you.”

“Nathan, stop. You have a date, who for all I know is way more than that, and I have Jason. I don’t think this is the time or place to hash things out in terms of us.”

“I just wanted to know why my hugs aren’t enough now, that’s all.”

I sigh, stepping away. “I didn’t say they weren’t good enough, did I? One has nothing to do with the other,” I point out.

“Okay. Look, I’ll be here for the next week, and I want to see you. Just us, sometime when and where we won’t be interrupted.”

I don’t know if this is a good idea, but I agree to it anyways, telling him he can call me and we’ll figure something out. Of course, it is better than sitting out here when we’ve both got people waiting for us.

”Yeah, I will do that,” he promises. He turns and heads back inside, and I relish having a few minutes of my own.

I move over to a window and check my reflection; wouldn’t be so great if I walked back in with raccoon eyes or my face beet red. The door opens, and I don’t turn to see who it is, afraid it’ll be Nathan again, and I just don’t know if I can do this right now.

“Hey, sexy Tutor Girl.” Thank God.

“Hey Tigger,” I grin, turning around to see her, “Do I look okay? Karen and Keith got me crying after we walked back down the aisle at the end of the ceremony, and I’m afraid I’ve got mascara everywhere. And this window is doing me no good.”

“And you are babbling,” she cheerfully points out.

“And that,” I agree.

“So, does this have something to do with Nathan having just been out here? I mean, he leaves, you’re a mess, et cetera et cetera?”

I shake my head, relieved that it is true. “Oh, no, really. We’re saving that for a later date – I told him he could call me this week and we could get together to discuss things,” I sigh deeply.

“Alright. Well, you look fine. You ready to head back to the party?”

“As I’ll ever be,” I smile, and we walk inside, gabbing about how great the ceremony was. Brooke thought it was adorable when Eric squirmed away from Deb and demanded I pick him up. “He threw himself at me like a sack of bricks. I’m lucky I didn’t fall down!” I tell her.

She laughs. “Oh, and that wasn’t why it was so great? I hope the photographer got a shot of that, because the look on your face was priceless.” I won’t even tell her that in addition to the photographer, there was a videographer taping it all.

We walk in, and Brooke drags me over to where Tim and Jason are sitting. “Hey gorgeous,” Jason smiles, standing up to kiss me, “You look amazing, baby.”

I move into his arms, laying my head on his shoulder. “You look good yourself,” I whisper. He does look damn fine in his suit, and it makes me wonder how I’d survive seeing him in one every day if we’re still together when he starts practicing law. And now I have to wonder where that thought came from, since we haven’t talked about anything that far into the future.

I chat with them for a few minutes, standing beside Jason’s chair as we al talk and laugh. I am sitting at the bridal party table along with the family. Karen had wanted to put Jason there, but I suggested he’d be better off with Brooke and Tim, and away from Nathan. It’s not that I think they’ll fight or even talk, but I’m a baby and I’d rather not spend this entire reception being uncomfortable over what they might do. Karen is waving me over now, so I lean down and kiss Jason again and give Brooke and Tim hugs, and head back over.

Lucas holds out a chair for me, and I grin at him as I sit down. “You okay?” he asks, concerned, “You ran off right after the ceremony.”

I nod, reaching over to pat him on the shoulder. “I’m fine, it’s just – I was overwhelmed with how much a part of the family I was feeling, and I didn’t want to cry about it in front of everyone.”

He smiles, understanding. “Okay, I was worried. I saw – well, you know what I saw, and then you stayed out there after that, and then Brooke had to go get you.”

I laugh. “Luuukie, I’m fine, I promise. I just needed to process things, and you know I hate to cry in front of people I don’t know or barely know.”

“Or anyone,” he snorts, rolling his eyes at me.

“Yeah, them, too.”

“So, why isn’t Jason over here?” he asks curiously. Obviously he knows his mom and Keith like him, and would’ve welcomed him here, and since Nathan’s date will be sitting here with him, it stands to reason he’s curious.

I lean closer. “I figured it’d be easier. I mean, I don’t expect trouble, but you never know, right?”

“Well, good thinking, I suppose. We don’t need trouble today. Hey, have you seen Jake and Jenny? I talked to him a few weeks ago, and he said he’d try and make it. I didn’t see him before the ceremony, but I was hoping they’d snuck in.”

“I haven’t seen them,” I tell him, figuring it would’ve been too hard for Jake to travel all this way with a three year old.

Just then, the deejay tells everyone it is time to take their seats. I end up sitting between Dan and Luke, which is fine, great even, but the only two seats left at our table are right across from, and will go to Nathan and his bimbo date.

“You look lovely, Haley,” Dan smiles at me, before he begins asking Luke and I some questions about things we did growing up. It is still so weird to watch him make any kind of effort to be fatherly towards Luke.

Nathan and his date approach the table, and they stand there while Nate introduces her to Luke, Karen, Keith, and I. Her name is Shawna, which fits my prejudiced bimbo notion, and she talks like a twelve year old talks to a two year old – baby talk. It’s awful. Even Nathan looks disturbed by it.

“And this is Haley,” he introduces, and I reach my hand across the table to shake hers, “She’s my ex-girlfriend.”

“Nice to meet you,” I murmur, smiling softly at her.

“Um, yeah, nice to meet you, too.” She looks confused, like Nathan didn’t tell her that an ex would be at the wedding at all, let alone sitting at the same table with them.

“So, that was a beautiful ceremony,” Deb sniffles. “I can’t believe how beautiful it was,” she marvels.

“Well, thank you,” Karen beams, “We’re just happy to finally have it done with!”

Keith grins at her. “Aren’t we, though?” Eric bounces happily on his laugh. He leans over and kisses Karen.

“You guys are so cute,” I laugh. Conversation is mostly focused on Karen and Keith, of course, and Lucas and I kind of hold a little side conversation on whether or not I’ll hook him up with a girl from one of my study groups while he’s in town, so I don’t really have to interact with Nathan or Shawna the Bimbo.

“Come on, Hales,” Luke pleads, “Do you know how long it has been since I’ve had a date?”

“So? I’m not your pimp, Lucas, you can find your own date,” I laugh, “You’re the big basketball star, I thought you had women crawling all over you.”

“He’s already been through all those,” Nathan jumps in, teasing him.

“Shut up,” Luke growls.

“Sensitive much?” I tease, too, elbowing him. He wraps an arm around my shoulder.

“You’re a brat, Hales. You always have been, you still are, and dammit, you probably always will be,” he laughs.

”I would kick your butt, but this is your mom’s wedding so I’ll restrain myself,” I tell him in a mock self-righteous manner.

He hugs me tighter. “I missed you, even if you are a brat,” he decides, “But I’m going to harass you until you hook me up with Sarah. You know that, right?”

I roll my eyes. “We’ll see.”

“We’ll see? Eh, if that’s all I’m going to get right now, I’ll take it.”

“That’s all,” I laugh.

“Fine with me, then,” he laughs, too. “Hey, if you can’t hook me up with your school buddy, hook me up with Brooke.”

“God, Luke!” I groan, rolling my eyes.

He laughs. “I was mostly kidding.”

“Yeah,” Nathan chimes in, “You know he’s still scared of her, right? She could kick his ass, and he knows it.”

“Seriously, Luke, stay away from Brooke. I mean it.”

He pouts. “You know, there used to be a time when I was the one you were all protective of, and now that person is Brooke Davis. What the hell happened?

“Sorry, but Brooke doesn’t need to be played by you again,” I tell him, sweetly, “And I’m not going to let you screw around with one of my best friends.”

He shakes his head. “What if she wants it? What if she can’t resist me?” he laughs.

Nathan laughs and I roll my eyes. Shawna sits there looking lost. “She won’t. She can, and she will.”

“You’re heartless, Haley James. The least you could do is hook your best friend up with a hot girl or two.”

“Or twelve, right?”

“Well, I normally stop at five, but twelve might be doable,” he laughs.

I shake my head at him. “Lucas, you are way too much.”

Our conversation is interrupted by the deejay announcing that it is time for Karen and Keith’s first dance as newlyweds. They step out, dancing to ‘Through the Years’ by Kenny Rogers, one of those clichéd songs that get overused at weddings, but in this case, it is truly the perfect song. They look so happy and radiant out there, swirling around, and I can’t help but sigh at how perfect it is.

I’m turned around, and I catch Jason’s eye. His smile widens when he sees I’m watching him, and he nods his head at me. I excuse myself from the table, and make my way over to where he sits with Brooke and Tim.

“Tutor Girl!” Brooke grins as I approach. Tim turns around and smiles at me.

“Hey James,” he greets, “You’re looking hot.” He winks at me and laughs when Jason glares at him.

“Get your own beautiful woman, Tim,” Jason growls, pulling me down into his lap. “This one is mine, and I don’t really feel like sharing with you.”

I laugh, kissing Jason on the cheek. “You guys having a good time?”

“Yeah,” Brooke says, “Although it would be better if there was more alcohol flowing through this place.” Tim nods.

“Yeah, well, tough it out,” I tell them, grinning. “And what about you?” I ask Jason.

“I am having a very good time now,” he grins, “You really do look beautiful, you know. I have half a mind to drag you off and find a deserted closet or something.”

I laugh, and am about to retort when Karen and Keith’s dance ends, and the room fills with applause.

“Crap, I have to go make a toast now,” I say, jumping off Jase’s lap. I lean down and give him a quick kiss, waving at Brooke and Tim, and then hurry back to my table.

Nathan is glaring at me, so I avoid his gaze and focus on Luke. He smiles at me, asking if I’m ready to give my speech.

“Am I ever ready for this kind of thing? You know how I feel about public speaking,” I remind him.

He nods. “I had hoped you got over it. I hate seeing you all nervous and stressed over something so simple.”

I smack him. “Leave me alone. You aren’t exactly making it any better,” I point out.

“You’ll be great, Hales. I know that whatever you say will be fine.”

“It isn’t so much the words that I’m worried about, as it is actually managing to say them in a decent fashion.”

“You’ll be fine.” I nod, trying to believe him.

The deejay announces us, and Luke and I make our way up to the deejay booth so that we can speak into the microphones. He grabs my hand and squeezes it, which is vaguely reassuring.

I take the microphone first, both to get it over with and to let Luke go first. I smile at Karen and Keith, trying to calm my nerves.

“I’ve known both Karen and Keith since I was very little. In fact, they are both very much like parents to me now as well as friends. I love you both dearly. You have shared so much with me, and made my life so much better, and I thank you for that.

“But I remember when we were about eight, Lucas and I. Lucas wanted you to get married so badly,” I smile, pausing as he blushes and everyone laughs, “And his idea was contagious, and once I got it in my head, I made Lucas enact what their wedding would be like with my Barbies.” His face turns even redder, if possible, and he glares at me as everyone laughs even harder this time. “But our play weddings had nothing on this. This was beautiful, it was right, and it was about damn time! To Karen and Keith!”

“Cheers!” everyone echoes.

Lucas grins, taking the microphone from me. “Well, now that Hales has aired out some of my dirty laundry, I guess it’s my turn. I’ll be short, because I know it is more fun to be dancing and drinking and eating.

“Really, all I want to say is that there are very few people I can think of that belong together more than Mom and Keith, and that I’m thrilled they finally realized it. Like Hales said, we’ve been waiting for them to figure it out forever. And now that they have, I couldn’t be more happy for them. To Mom and Keith!”

“Cheers!” we all cry again.

When we get back to the table, Karen and Keith hug us both about fifty times. Karen tells us over and over again how much she loves us, and we tell her we feel the same way. Keith finally makes her let us go, and drags her back out to the dance floor, encouraging us and everyone else to dance also. Dan asks me to dance, and while surprised, I accept.

“You know, I’ve thanked you for all you’ve done for Nathan, but I don’t think I ever did for everything you’ve done for Luke. It is very obvious that you are his rock, and you always have been.”

I laugh, “Well, him and Karen have both been my rocks, so I guess if I can do the same for them, that’s a good thing.”

“You obviously have,” he says kindly.

“Thank you,” I reply graciously. We chat quietly for the rest of the dance, both avoiding the subject that we both want to bring up.

He walks me back to the table, and after sharing a dance with Lucas, I walk over and grab Jason and drag him on the dance floor, despite his protests.

“You know I hate dancing,” he sighs, “The things I do for you.”

I laugh. “Yeah, like it such a hardship, the things you do for me,” I retort, pulling his arms around me. In turn, I wrap mine around his neck, stepping closer to him.

“So, you didn’t choke on the speech like you thought,” he comments, “That was very nice, actually. You could tell Karen and Keith really liked it.”

I’m about to respond when another dancing couple jostles us. I glance to see who it is, and it is Nathan and the bimbo. He says, “Oh, so sorry.” Very sarcastic and not even bothering to hide his glare. I sigh, looking away from him, instinctively moving closer to Jason, which only causes Nathan’s eyes to narrow further.

“We can sit down,” Jason whispers, hopeful sounding.

I can’t help it – I laugh. “You can’t use that as an excuse to get out of dancing with me, Jase!”

He laughs, too. “Hey, I figured it was worth a try. Plus, you laughed, and that is always a good thing. You okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? Nathan can be as much of a shit as he wants, but I am not going to let him bother me on a day like this.”

He shakes his head. “Can I hit him?” he asks hopefully.

“Jason,” I gasp, pretending to be scandalized, but knowing he’s kidding, “You may not do anything that causes a scene here!”

“Can I kiss you?”

“You just want to do that to cause a scene?” I smile up at him.

He leans down and kisses me, not bothering to answer my question. “No, I just love you, and I just wanted to kiss you.”

“Oh,” I sigh, laying my head on his chest, “Okay.”

He laughs, splaying his hands across my back. The song ends, and we step off the dance floor and outside by unspoken agreement.

“I can’t believe how warm it is out here,” I remark, taking his hand. “It’s a nice day for a wedding.”

“It’s a nice day for you to be wearing that sexy little thing you’re calling a dress,” he grins, reaching for me.

I step to him eagerly and press my lips to his. “Maybe it’s a nice day to take this dress off,” I tell him, but can’t help myself from laughing. Jason looks like he’s ready to take it off for me, but he laughs, too.

“Isn’t this cozy,” a bored voice remarks from the doorway. I know without looking that it is Nathan, and judging by the way he tenses, so does Jason.

Not moving away from Jason, I raise my head to look at Nathan. “Can we help you?” I ask, probably sounding cold.

“Oh, no, really, don’t mind me,” he says snidely, “I’ll just hang out here and enjoy the show.”

I finally break away from Jason and march up the steps and stand toe to toe with Nathan. His nearness affects me, but I don’t let that on. “You know what, Nathan Scott? You’re being a big jerk. How dare you come here and be such an ass? Especially after how much progress we’ve made! God.” I huff off through the doors, forgetting for a moment I left Jason behind.

But he’s following me, stopping only to say something to Nathan. “You know, she’s never said one single bad thing about you, and she’d never treat you like this.”

He slams through the door, looking surprised to see me there. “Oh, Hale, you okay?”

I nod, sighing. “Just pissed. Thank you for saying that. I doubt it makes any difference, but thank you for trying. I love you.”

“Back atcha,” he smiles, taking my hand. “Come on, there is probably more wedding…uh, stuff, I don’t know…going on.”

I laugh. “You mean, like cutting the cake, throwing the bouquet, the garter, and all that stuff?”

He nods, looking overwhelmed. “Yeah, I think that stuff sounds right.”

“You’re cute when you’re confused.”

He shakes his head, “I’m not confused, I’m just…I don’t know, I guess that a lot of stuff goes into all this wedding stuff. It’s just weird that so much hinges on one day, you know?”

“Are you saying you don’t want to get married?” I ask, surprised. Jason is such a family guy that getting married seemed like it was a no-brainer for him.

“Well, no, not at all. Weddings are just so – well, much, basically. So much planning, so much money, so much effort. It just seems like a lot of work for something that only lasts one day.”

I laugh at him. “Men never get it,” I say it with such superiority that we both crack up laughing. “What? It’s true.”

“Then why do so many men go through with the big shindigs?”

“Did you say ‘shindigs’?” I laugh. He nods, shaking his head at me as I laugh. “I can’t believe you. And men go through with them because they know what’s good for them in terms of appeasing the woman they are going to marry.”

“They’re wusses,” he says bluntly, and I laugh, but refrain from commenting. Instead, I grab his hand and drag him back inside, and dance with him again. “This is your punishment for being so down on weddings,” I inform him.

“I’m not down on weddings,” he says, defending himself from my evil eye, “I know I’d do it for the right woman.” He leans down and kisses me – a kiss filled with promise and hope and expectation. When he pulls away, I feel dazed, but I manage to smile up at him.

I get his meaning – I’m not stupid or completely oblivious to the world around me. But the thing is, I don’t know what to do with it. Besides, it isn’t like he is asking or anything. Not yet, anyways.

~*~

“I’m coming over, Haley.”

“Wow, no ‘hello’, no ‘how do you do’, no may I come over? Just a dictate, and an expectation that I’ll bend to your will? Really nice, Nathan, especially after the wedding.”

“I’m on my way.” That’s all he says, and then he hangs up.

“Shit,” I curse, pissed off. I can’t believe he still thinks I owe him a talk after the way he behaved at the wedding.

Compulsively, I check myself out in the mirror, needing to look my best. I actually rush to change clothes into something a little more – well, racy – I don’t know why. It’s not for him, it really isn’t. Maybe I just want to show off what isn’t his anymore, I don’t know. No matter what, though, I have the feeling this is going to end horribly.

I’m pacing around, making myself more nervous, so I go outside and sit on the porch, waiting for him. He pulls up in his dad’s car, and jumps out, striding towards me.

“Do you want to do this out here or in the house?” he asks tersely.

I glare at him, matching his attitude with some of my own. “Damn it, Nathan, I don’t want to do this at all. I owe you nothing now. You should just leave.”

“Out here it is then,” he smirks.

“Screw you,” I spit out, growing angrier by the minute.

“Been there, done that, huh?”

“What the hell is wrong with you, Nathan? Why are you doing this to me? You knew – you knew – about Jason, you knew that he and I are together! Why would you act like this towards me?”

He throws his hands up in the air. “Because you’re mine, Haley! Because I love you, because I want you, and because I know you feel the same. I know you won’t admit it, and God, I’m not even going to try and force you to because I already know, but why do you have to throw this in my face?”

I turn away from him, deflated now. “Nathan,” I begin quietly, “I love Jason. I don’t know how or when it happened, but I do. He’s so good for me, he means so much to me.”

“Yeah, I get that,” he mutters, kicking a loose board on the deck. “But that doesn’t mean you love me any less.”

“A part of me will always love you, Nathan.” I can’t deny that, but I’m also not going to get into which part of me that is. I just can’t do that – there might be too many people who won’t like the answer. At least one, no matter what.

“It’s more than that,” he quietly asserts, “You and I both know that. We belong together. You and me, we’re good together, we’re good for each other. Come on, Haley.” He sits down beside me, close, but not yet touching.

“Nathan, I can’t do this. I don’t even want to talk about this now.”

“So, what? You’re going to push me out, not let me even talk to you anymore? That’s bullshit, Haley, and you know it.”

“No, it isn’t, Nathan! We broke up almost two damn years ago! Two years! Maybe you still hate me for the reason I broke up with you, but that was a long time ago! I waited almost a year before I moved on! I don’t know what you want me to do for you!”

He shakes his head. “I want you to love me, Haley. Is that so much to ask?”

“I don’t even like you very much right now, Nathan. Why are you doing this? Things are going so well for me; I’ll be at Duke in the fall with Brooke and Tim, and Jason will be there. Jason, my boyfriend.”

“I don’t care, Haley! I don’t care that things are going well for you – they’d be better with me in them, better with me in your life!”

I can’t help it – the tears fall, wrecking the makeup I’d rushed to perfect when he called. “Nathan,” I moan, “I can’t do this with you. It’s too hard, I just can’t.”

He leans over and kisses me, hard. I am too stunned to pull away at first, and then I’m admittedly caught up in the kiss. He pulls me onto his lap, and when his hand starts to creep under my shirt, I snap out of this spell that has been woven around us.

“Nathan, we can’t?” I gasp out, wincing when it comes out more like a question.

“Haley, we can. I love you, you love me, what more do we need? Baby this is so right, this – you and me, we’re right.”

Tears slide down my cheeks and he reaches up to brush them off. “Nathan, we can’t. I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you in any way, but I can’t do this now.”

“Is it because of him?” he ask bitterly, “Because I’m willing to do anything, Haley, I mean, anything for you. If I have to come back here, I will.”

I jump off his lap like I’ve been burned. “God, Nathan, that is exactly what I don’t want for you. That is exactly what I’ve never wanted for you! That is why I broke up with you in the first place – I hold you back! I refuse – refuse – to do that to you!”

He stands up slowly, grabbing my shoulders so I face him. “What if it is what I want, Haley J? Does that even matter to you, baby?”

“Nathan, you know it does, but I’m not letting you throw your future away for me.” I shake my head when he starts to protest. “I just can’t do that to you, I can’t. And I can’t do that to myself!” I exclaim, “Do you know how scared I would be constantly that you would grow to hate me?”

“I would never hate you, Haley! God, I watch you dancing with that damn pretty boy, and all I can think of is how much I love you, how much I want you.”

I’m shaking. This is all so overwhelming for me, which is stupid since Nathan and I have had this argument several times the last two years.

“I can’t do this,” I whisper harshly, whirling away from him and stomping into the house, “Get out of here!”

He stands there, and then he has to go and break my heart by crying. “Haley J, please, please don’t end it like this,” he pleads, “God, I’m begging you.” He falls down on his knees in front of me, and the pieces of my already shattered heart shatter further.

“Nathan,” I cry, letting him wrap his arms around my middle as he lays his head on my stomach, “Nathan, stop, please, you’re breaking my heart.”

“You’ve already broken mine,” he cries.

“Why do we keep doing this to ourselves?” I ask him, trying to sound calm and in control. “This isn’t getting us anywhere, Nathan.”

He wipes his eyes, moving away from me. He nods. “Yeah, but I had to give it one more try before I gave you up forever, Haley. Because this is it – I cannot beg you anymore. I might not have much pride left, but what I do have – it won’t let me do this to myself again. This is the last chance, Haley, our last chance. Please.”

He says it so simply, like the solution is just that easy, but we both know it isn’t. In fact, it is anything but simple. I don’t even understand why he expects that I should be able to drop everything and run to him, why he thinks the reasons for breaking up have changed when nothing at all has changed. I don’t understand.

“I can’t,” I tell him, firmly, calmly even. But I’m shaking like a leaf on the inside. I pray he doesn’t see it. I know that if he does, he’ll pounce on that weakness and break me.

“Goodbye then, Haley. I hope I never see you again.”

As I watch him walk off, I marvel at the power that one man has to hurt me. Logically, I know he doesn’t mean that. He can’t. Still, though, it’s like his words are this knife always poised to cut me and for him to lower as he pleases.

Why is it so hard to live without him when I still have so much? And why do I still give him this power to disrupt my life like this?

~*~September, 2008~*~

“Jason, where is the box of bathroom stuff?” I yell down the hall to him.

“Baby, I think it hasn’t been brought in yet. Want me to grab it?”

“Oooh, would you please?”

“Sure!”

He’s so great. Probably a little too great – I am seriously starting to get spoiled by this man, but everything is so idyllic right now that it’s hard to imagine it ever being otherwise.

“Hey Tutor Girl!” Brooke bounces into the bedroom where I’m sitting on the floor unpacking me and Jason’s clothes and putting them into their drawers. “Happy moving day!”

I laugh, “Why thank you!”

“So how’s it going? It’s a sty out there, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know, and thank you so much for reminding me,” I laugh, “That was really, really great of you, Tigger.”

“Hey, I aim to please,” she curtsies, “So, what can I do to help?”

“Don’t you have moving in of your own to do?” I ask, thinking Tim is probably really pissed right now if she ditched him to do all the work.

“Well, I hired movers,” she admits sheepishly, “You know, the kind who not only move your stuff, but unpack at the new place, too.”

“You lazy brat,” I whine, “That is so not fair!”

“I can send them over here when they’re done,” she volunteers, “I’m sure they wouldn’t mind too much!”

“Well, that’s a nice offer, but I think Jason and I can manage. With your help, of course,” I tell her, smiling winningly and batting my eyes. She rolls her eyes and for her orders. “Could you hang up our clothes? Everything should still be on hangers, so it shouldn’t be too hard.”

“Only because I love you, best friend,” she grins. We work in silence for a few minutes before she turns to me. “You know, how weird is it that Tim and I will be living together? I mean, hello, cat fights galore.”

I choke back a laugh. “You know, Tim might not appreciate you calling him out as girly and saying he engages in cat fights.”

She shrugs carelessly. “Whatever, he’ll get over it. Besides, it isn’t like I said it in front of Jamie or anything.”

Jamie is a girl that Tim met at the beach this summer. She’s really nice, although Brooke and I both get the feeling she isn’t thrilled with his best friend situation. I still can’t help but like her, especially considering that Tim really likes her a lot.

“Tim might never speak to you if you did,” I laugh, “She is the first girl who has really liked him in the last two years.”

“They just don’t know him like we do,” she explains, “I mean, he is certainly not someone I could be with, but he’s a good guy and he is even decently cute, too.”

“You’re getting soft in your old age, Tigger,” I tell her, laughing.

“Ha, as if. Anyways, you and Tim are my best friends, and I want both of you to be happy,” she smiles, “And I know you want the same for me.”

“Of course,” I tell her, wondering what she wants. No, scratch that, I wonder who she wants. With Brooke it is usually a who, and that who is usually a male. “Who is it this time?” I wonder aloud.

“Why does it always have to be someone?” she asks, rolling your eyes, “I was actually going to ask if you could start earning your nickname again and tutor me in math. I’m so going to fail without help.”

“Tigger,” I sigh, “You know I’ll help you if I can, but I have got a huge plate with all the ID classes I’ll be taken. I have to catch up with the other students in the program.” I have explained this a hundred times a hundred ways, but it doesn’t seem to penetrate.

“Yeah, but you have a math class, too, right?” she asks. This will be the first semester that none of us have any classes together. Brooke will be focusing surprisingly on the bio type classes that will get her into the vet program – which still boggles the mind of everyone who knows her, and Tim will be taking all the classes he needs for his major of sports medicine.

“It won’t be the same math, though,” I remind her, “And you know I hate math, right? So you’d just be torturing me if you nagged me into helping you?”

“Yeah, but I do so love torturing you,” she laughs, “So this whole thing could work out perfectly for me!”

I roll my eyes. “Oh, Tigger, you’re always thinking of yourself, aren’t you?”

“Hey, I do what I have to do,” she laughs, “And sometimes that spares me from having to think of anyone else. But in this case, I am thinking of both of us.” I raise an eyebrow at her, wondering how she figures she’s thinking of me. “Girl, you spend too much time with Jason, so I was doing you the favor of getting you some much needed girl time,” she explains.

I can’t help but laugh. “Oh, you are so full of @#%$,” I tell her, “But I love you anyways. Or maybe because of it.”

“Probably the second one,” she guesses, laughing, too.

“Shut up,” I tell her without heat, “Look, it depends on my schedule. I’m going to be busting my ass, seriously.”

She nods. “I know, I just don’t want – I don’t want us to drift apart or whatever.”

Is that what she’s worried about? “Brooke, I’m going to see you all the time,” I tell her, “We’re living in the same apartment complex, and you’re my best friend, anyways. I want to see you as much as possible. And for things better than math homework. Anyways, knowing you, you’ll find a hot guy in your class to tutor you, and you’d ditch me anyways.”

She laughs, “Well, that might be true. I am serious, though. Things are definitely changing, and I don’t want our relationship to be one of those things.”

“Brooke,” I begin, using her name to let her know I’m serious, “Everything changes, and if our relationship is one of them, it doesn’t have to be for the worst, right?”

She shrugs. “I guess not. Look, I’m not good with this friendship bullshit. I have always @#%$ it up, and I’ll probably do that again. Maybe I should be happy that these have lasted so long.”

“I’m ten more words away from shaking the @#%$ right out of you, Brooke Davis,” I warn her, “So knock it off.”

She nods, looking sorry. “You’re right, I’m acting like an idiot. I just – this is important to me, and I want to make sure I don’t screw things up too bad.”

I hug her. “Brooke, I love you. You have been an amazing friend the last two years, and honestly, I don’t know what I’d have done without you. I know I wouldn’t have Jason or Tim, and that would be terrible. And it’d be terrible not to have you. I hope you know that.”

She nods again. “I do, but with everything changing right now, it’s just hard to remember all the time.”

“Well, try. I mean it, I love you, and I’d do anything for you.”

She hugs me again. “I love you, too.”

I yawn, laying down on the bed that Jason and I will be sharing as of tonight. This is all so scary and fast, but it doesn’t feel wrong. I don’t know if I can say it feels right, but it definitely doesn’t feel wrong. That has to count for something.

“This is insane. I’m going to be living with a boy,” I laugh.

“That is pretty weird,” she laughs, “I always figured Tim would be first.”

“Oooh, burn, and he isn’t even here to appreciate it.”

“I’ll file it away for later.”

“Good thinking.” We look at each other and burst into laughter. “This is fun,” I tell her, “I’m glad you’re here helping me, and we’re getting oh-so-much done.”

“Since we aren’t unpacking anyways, what do you say we go make margaritas at my place? Tim went with Jason, so we’ll have the place to ourselves.”

I laugh, “In that case, forget the tequila, I want rum so we can crank up Jimmy Buffet and dance and sing along with him.”

“Yes!” she cheers, “I am so in for that! Let’s go.”

We each put away the stuff that we were holding and then we lock up and run over to Brooke and Tim’s place, which is only a few doors down and up a floor. It’ll be great to have them so close by.

“Woo!” Brooke laughs as she spins in a circle. I watch her from the floor; I haven’t gotten up since I fell a few minutes ago. “This is so much fun!” she squeals, “I loooove this song!”

I laugh like she said the funniest thing in the world, “Oh, my God, Tigger, I love it, too! See, we’re best friends and we like the same songs! We have to stay friends forever!” I tell her this like it solves everything or something.

She drops down on the floor next to me, spilling some of her drink on the brand new carpet. Thank God it isn’t white. And that her drink will probably wash out. We both keep laughing, racing to see who can drink the most. We don’t even hear the door open to realize someone is in here with us until the music turns off and we look up to see Jason and Tim staring at us.

“Jason!” I grin, holding my arms out for him. He shakes his head at me, bending down to pick him up off the floor.

“How’s unpacking going?” he asks, grinning.

“Oh, good,” I tell him seriously, “Brookie hired movers, and she sent them over to our place to finish after they finished here. Isn’t that nice?”

He shakes his head. “That is nice, Brookie,” he mocks, “So, I see we’ve been setting sail with the Captain this afternoon.”

Tim is just shaking his head at us, looking around. “You guys are like a two person wrecking ball.”

I try curtsying at him, but end up falling down and landing on Brooke. “Hi Tutor Girl!” she says, laughing, “I know you love me, but get off!”

I roll off of her, and Tim and Jason help us up from the floor. I lean on Jason, whispering, “Let’s go home, I want to christen our new place.”

“Jesus, James, some of us don’t want to hear about that,” Tim mutters, glaring at me from where he’s trying to get Brooke onto the couch.

“Oops,” I laugh, pulling on Jason’s arm. He ends up picking me up and tossing me over his shoulder and carrying me back because I stumble so much.

We get into our apartment, and I throw my arms around his neck. “This is our place,” I tell him, tugging on his hair until he leans down to kiss me.

“I know, not too bad, huh? Beats shacking at the frat or your parent’s house.”

“I’m just glad we’re together,” I tell him, leaning against him. “Love you, Jason.” I’m so tired now; all those drinks Brooke and I were chugging are really hitting me.

“You’re drunk, baby,” he points out the obvious, “And I think you need to go to bed.” I try to smile lasciviously at him, but it must not work. “Um, by yourself,” he laughs, “I think you need to sleep it off.”

I pout. “Stay with me?” I ask as he drops me onto our bed. I thank God I had taken the time to make it earlier.

“Yeah,” he smiles, crawling in next to me.

This is good.

~*~Halloween, 2008~*~

They’re insane, in my opinion, but Brooke and Tim are hosting a Halloween party. I appreciate it since it is cheaper than going to the bars, but it’s pretty crazy to risk your housing for a party. Not that I won’t be there, or anything.

This year I’ve dressed up as a fairy princess since I was too lazy to think of something creative. Basically, I reused the Tinkerbell wings, tiara, and wand, and just added a sparkly pink tube top instead of the green dress. Jason has caved and dressed up as Superman, which I’m loving. He looks adorably hot, and we might be able to have some with that costume later.

He’s acting weird, though, which is freaking me out. He’s been incredibly busy with law school lately. Apparently it takes a lot of hard work – who knew? So maybe that is contributing to it, but he’s been so jumpy and nervous around me that I’m concerned. I know – well, I’m pretty sure, anyways – that he isn’t cheating on me, so I can at least rule that one out.

I’m dancing with Tim right now, trying to cheer him up. He and Jamie have broken up, and he’s pretty upset about it. Usually he’s all crazy on the dance floor, just being goofy and having fun, but tonight he is clearly subdued.

I hate to do this, but maybe my problems will distract him from his. “Hey, Tim? What’s going on with Jason? He’s been acting distracted and nervous and even quiet lately. I can’t figure out what’s up.”

His face pales, and I can tell by the look on his face that he wishes I hadn’t asked this. “Uh, I uh, I haven’t noticed any of this,” he stutters, “I don’t really know what you’re talking about, James.”

“Whatever,” I shrug, walking out to the balcony, leaving Tim there by himself. Now I’m really bothered.

“Haley,” he calls, following me out, “What’s going on?”

“You should know, Tim! Jason has been acting weird for days now, and when I ask you about it, you act weird. Don’t ask me what’s going, tell me.”

“I can’t, James. Look, I promise that it isn’t anything, okay? Can you believe me?” he asks, pleading.

I shake my head. “Unbelieveable,” I growl, “So, basically, you know exactly what is wrong, and you could ease my mind by telling me what is wrong, but you can’t even be @#%$ bothered. Thanks Tim, thanks for nothing.”

Turning around, I stomp back in. I choose to ignore everyone and just leave without saying anything. As I walk past Jason, he grabs my arm and pulls me close. “Hey, you okay?”

“No! I’m not okay! You’ve been all distant and nervous around me lately, and I can’t figure out why! Now I know that Tim knows why and won’t tell me! And I hate it! I hate being left in the dark, so don’t tell me it isn’t a big deal!” I yell, all in one breath.

Jason just looks at me, smiling oddly enough. I’m about to tell him to shove his smiling when he drops down on one knee. It doesn’t register what he’s doing, but it bugs me that he’s not fighting with me like I wanted.

He takes a deep breath, grabbing my hands and holding them to him. I start to shake when I finally realize that there are really a limited number of reasons he’d be on his knees. He squeezes my hands and smiles up at me, taking another deep breath. The music is killed, and although I can’t tear my gaze away from Jason, I can tell that pretty much all party activity has stopped and all eyes are on us.

“Haley?” he says, finally speaking, “I – you are the most important person in my life, and I know that I want you to be a part of my life forever. I want to spend forever making you as happy as you’ve made me, as whole as you’ve made me. You are my whole world, and I know that I will never feel about anyone else as I feel about you. I love you, Haley James. Will you marry me?”

I gasp, even though by that point I knew it was coming. He pulls a velvet ring box out of his pocket, and flips it open. It is beautiful – a platinum band with a princess cut diamond with a small emerald on each side. It isn’t the biggest ring in the world, but it is certainly something I would be proud to wear for the rest of my life.

Dropping to my knees in front of him, I wrap my arms around his neck. “Yes, Jason, I’d be so proud to marry you,” I tell him, leaning in to kiss.

He breathes a sigh of relief. “Thank God!” He pulls out of our kiss and slides the ring on my finger. I’ve never worn a ring on this finger, so the weight is weird. Good, but still odd. “It looks good,” he laughs, pulling me to him. “I love you, Hale, so much. I will take care of you forever.”

“I’ll take care of you, too, Jason,” I retort, tears streaming down my face. Inevitably, I think of other proposals and long ago marriages, but all I can do is shove those thoughts out of my mind like I’ve learned to do lately and focus what is here in the present in front of me.

“Can we congratulate you now?” Brooke asks, squealing.

“Yes!” I laugh, hugging her. We’re both crying together now, and Tim and Jason have that look on their face that says they have no clue what is wrong with us.

“I’ll be over on Monday so we can start picking maid of honor dresses,” she decides, “And oh my gosh, there is going to be so much to do! Oh, Haley! I’m so happy for you!” She let’s go of me and hugs Jason, who smiles at me over head. “I’m so happy for you, too, Jason! If you hurt her, you will answer to me, got it, bud?”

“Yeah, I got it,” he laughs, stepping away to shake Tim’s hand. “Thanks for keeping my secret,” he laughs, “Even though it got your ass in trouble.”

I gasp. “This is why? Oh, no, I feel so stupid!”

“No, don’t,” Tim laughs, pulling me to him for a hug, “Congratulations, James. Make him happy like I know you can, okay?”

I nod. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

“No, don’t be, I understand.”

“Thank you, Tim.” I hug him again.

The party is starting to resume, and Jason and I decide to leave, but it takes forever as we are stopped by just about everyone that we know here to be congratulated. We finally make it back to our place about an hour later, which is an hour later than we’d have liked, but oh, well.

I unlock the door and step inside, taking off my wings. Jason helps me with those, and then he removes the tiara that was holding my hair up, so that spills all over my shoulders.

“You look gorgeous,” he tells me huskily. “I want you so bad.”

I hold my left hand out so he can see the ring. “I am yours, Jason. Only yours,” I vow, promising myself that I’ve made the right choice, that I’m doing the right thing, and that I’m never going to break to his heart.

We make love, and it is different. It has always been good, but tonight there was this new sense of commitment and deeper love that made it that much better. Everything is starting to seem better.

Chapter Twelve – Second Hand News

‘I know you're hopin' to find

Someone who's gonna give you piece of mind

When times go bad

When times go rough

Won't you lay me down in tall grass

And let me do my stuff

I'm just second hand news’ - Fleetwood Mac

~*~December, 2008~*~

I spent Thanksgiving with Karen, Keith, Eric, Deb, and Dan, so I’ll be spending Christmas with Jason and his family. If I was nervous the first time around, I’m petrified this time. Absolutely terrified.

We’ll be telling them about the engagement.

It isn’t that I think they’ll react poorly. Quite the contrary, actually. I know they’ll be ecstatic, and that they’ll welcome me into their family with open arms. I have absolutely no doubt of that.

So where is the problem? I don’t know, but there’s just something off – I don’t know, it scares me that I feel this way. Like there is something out there that I’m missing, something that isn’t quite perfect. And I want this to be perfect, I really do. Jason is amazing, and he’s everything I want, right?

Then why am I acting this way? Why do I feel like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Maybe I have some sort of pathetic deficiency where I can’t allow myself to be happy for too long; I freak out if I am.

“Mom and the girls are going to be thrilled, Haley. Almost as much as I am,” Jason grins, squeezing my hand. I have to resist the urge to pull it away.

Damn it, this is going to be a hard weekend. But instead of pulling my hand away like an idiot, I smile up at him. “I know they will. I can’t wait to tell them. I want to ask the girls to be in the wedding party.”

“You don’t have to do that on my account,” he laughs, but I can tell by his smile that he’s very pleased with the idea.

“I’m not. I really like both Lola and Marissa, and I can’t imagine them not being a part of our wedding. I definitely want them very involved.”

“They’ll love that. Thank you,” he smiles.

I laugh, “I’m not doing it for you, though. I really want them involved. They’re so great, and well, this is for me as much as you!”

“I love you,” he smiles, “And even if you’re doing it for all the right reasons, I still really appreciate it.”

“Well, I really appreciate you,” I retort, leaning over to kiss him. When we banter like this, or touch and kiss, the doubts are easier to push aside. He makes me forget.

We drive on in silence, finally getting to Raleigh. I’m beginning to really wish that Brooke or Tim – better yet, both – were going to be here, but Brooke is going to be visiting with Tim’s family in Tree Hill for Christmas. And I’ll be here, in Raleigh, with Jason and his family. For better or worse, I guess.

But it won’t be worse, and I know it. And it is becoming increasingly pathetic that I can’t stop thinking that something will go wrong because I know it won’t. Why I’m so anxious about all this, I really don’t know. Maybe I’m – well, thoughts like that can’t even be given any attention.

We pull up to his family’s house, and grab our bags from the back and go inside. Lola is there to greet us.

“Haley! Hi, how are you?” she asks, enveloping me in a huge hug, “We are all so glad that you could make it!”

I hug her back, about to answer her when Jason quips, “Hey, thanks, good to see you, too, Lols. Don’t mind me, I’m just your brother.”

She pulls away and rolls her eyes at him. “Whatever, Jay-Jay, I’ve seen you more recently than I’ve seen Haley.”

I laugh. “She’s got you there, baby.

“Yeah, but she talks to you more often,” he points out, “So, I should still get priority greeting if I’m doing the math right.”

Lola laughs, and I smile at him. He winks at me as she kisses his cheek. She pulls away and links arms with me, chatting excitedly about school and whatnot as she drags me into the house. Gina and Marissa greet us, each giving me big hugs.

“How are you? How was the drive?” Gina asks, taking a bag from me. “It is so good to see you again,” she adds, smiling.

“We’re good, the drive was fine. Long, but I had good company,” I tell her, smiling at Jason, “And it is wonderful to see you again.”

“Well, we are thrilled you are here,” Gina smiles as I hug Marissa, “And Jason, it is good to see you, too.”

He laughs. “Well, at least someone here still acknowledges me.” He gives her a hug and a kiss. “I missed you, Mom.”

“And I always miss you,” she tells him with a smile. “It’s very good to have you home; you should come back here more often,” she chastises him.

“Hey, it wasn’t too long ago I was here,” he reminds her.

She nods. “Maybe, but it can also never be too often. Keep that in mind from now on, alright?”

“Leave him alone, Mom,” Marissa orders, “He’s in college now. No, he’s in law school, actually. He’s too busy to come home to get nagged by you all the time.”

Gina raises an eyebrow at her as Lola, Jase, and I try not to laugh. “Why on Earth would you think it is a good idea to tell me that, young lady?” Gina questions.

“Because, I’ll be going away in a couple of years, and I thought you should get used to children not visiting you often. See, I’m going to go far away and never come back to Raleigh, so y’all will have to come visit me wherever I am.”

Lola rolls her eyes. “Whatever, Riss. What makes you think anyone would come visit you anyways?”

“Enough,” Gina cuts in before Marissa can reply, “Let’s get Haley and Jason settled in. They had a long car trip to get here.”

Jason takes my hand again. “Come on, Hale, let’s get situated. Besides, don’t you have a phone call to make?”

I nod, smiling at everyone. “I do have a quick phone call to make. Lucas will whine like a little baby if he doesn’t hear from me on Christmas Eve,” I explain. I’ll be telling him about my engagement tonight, and asking whether he should tell Nathan or I should.

We walk to his bedroom, and get our stuff settled, and he leaves after giving me a kiss. With shaking fingers, I dial Luke’s number. He’s probably in his room, but I dial his cell just in case.

“Hi Hales,” he says.

“Hey buddy, how are you? Merry Christmas.”

“Back atcha. What’s up?”

I sigh quietly, knowing Lucas would cut right to the chase. “Can’t a girl just call up her best friend to chat?”

He snorts, rather rudely, in my opinion. “Hales, I can tell by the sound of your voice that you have something to tell me. I know you better than anyone except maybe Brooke. So just tell me. Don’t keep me in suspense.”

“So, you know that Jason and I have been getting really close, right? And that we’re living together now?”

“Yeah,” he says slowly. It’s Luke: I’m sure he knows where this is going. In fact, I’d probably be shocked if he didn’t.

“Well, he asked me to marry him and I said yes.” I pause, waiting for him to say something, anything, but nothing is forthcoming. “Luke?”

“God, Hales,” he sighs, and I can picture him sitting down and running his hand through his hair, “I don’t even know what to say.”

“Well, congratulations are usually a good place to start,” I tell him lightly.

“Oh, uh, yeah, of course. Congratulations,” he offers half-heartedly, “I’m just – this is a surprise. I mean, you’re a junior in college, neither of you are settled in life. Don’t you think you’re rushing things?”

He isn’t wrong, so I can’t argue with that. “Maybe we’re rushing things in terms of being settled, and maybe we’re younger than is common these days, but maybe that isn’t so bad,” I tell him, hoping he’ll agree.

“Why do I get the feeling you need my reassurance, Hales?” he asks, knowing me too well.

“Well, of course I don’t need reassurance, but it’d be nice to know that you don’t completely hate the idea and that you’ll be at the wedding. I don’t know, I guess I’d like you to be a little happy for me.”

“Hey, Haley, of course I’ll be there. This is just a huge surprise, you know? And if you’re happy, then I am happy for you. I guess I just thought – well, never mind, it doesn’t matter, and I’m here for you in any way you need.”

I know what he was going to say – he thought there was still a chance Nathan and I could work things out. Of course, I can only assume Nathan didn’t tell him about our last meeting in the days after Karen’s wedding because if he had, Lucas would’ve realized that there was very little hope of that happening.

“It’s a good thing, right? I mean, weddings are a happy occasion, so this is good, happy news.” I think I’m saying this more for my benefit than his, but I can’t be sure.

“Ah, sure, I mean, yeah. Yeah, if you’re happy, yeah, it’s a good thing. Um, so when did he propose? And when are you planning on having the wedding?” he asks, obviously struggling with this news. I suppose he’s thinking of what it would be like for him to get married and thinking how strange it is that his best friend who is his age is doing just that.

“Um, on Halloween, actually. And we want to have the wedding this summer. Hopefully June. I mean, I know we don’t have a lot of money, and my parents probably won’t help or anything, but we don’t need a huge thing anyways, right?”

”Halloween?” he asks quietly, ignoring how soon we want to have it, “And you’re just now getting around to telling me two months later?”

I sigh, knowing he wasn’t going to be a fan of that. “Luke, it’s not that I didn’t want to tell you, it’s that we wanted to tell his family first, in person. I mean, we haven’t told them yet, but I couldn’t stand not telling you any longer.”

“Gee, thanks a ton. Why am I guessing Brooke and Tim and probably my mom and Keith know all about this already?”

I shake my head. “Brooke and Tim know – they were at the party when he proposed. But, I mean, that’s it. You’re next. I’ll tell Karen and Keith, and God, I guess Deb and Dan, next time I see them.”

He sighs. “Shit, Hales. You know I’m happy if you’re happy, it’s just this is such a mess. I think I’m kind of glad I won’t be around when you’re telling Deb and Dan.”

“Don’t remind, it’s going to be awful. I mean, I know there are a lot of people who thought Na – well, he and I would be the ones getting married, and I know there are a lot of people probably disappointed in me for ruining that.” I can’t bring myself to say Nathan’s name out loud. “But what happened, happened, and I can’t change any of it.”

He sighs again, and I know I’m probably just making him feel awful, but I can’t help it. “Hales, everyone wants you to be happy. Even if that means you marry Jason and not Nathan. It’s just that some of us always figured – you know what? It is pointless to talk about this because it is a moot point.”

“Not so moot,” I mutter, “I was wondering if you’d tell Nathan for me. He and I had a major falling out a few days after the wedding, and he told me he never wanted to see me again. It was very final.”

“And you want me to tell him? God, Haley, I don’t want to be the one to hurt him.”

“Ha, I think I’ve done all the hurting. I wouldn’t ask this of you, Lucas, but he doesn’t want to hear from me. Maybe we shouldn’t worry about him finding out anyways.”

“You ought to tell him yourself,” Luke sighs.

“What? I just told you, Luke,” I remind him, “That he hates me and never wants to see from me again. I’m pretty sure that included never receiving any kind of correspondence from me whatsoever. Me calling him is like the worst idea ever.”

“Bullshit,” he hisses, “You’re a coward, and you are doing everything you can to take the coward’s way out. He told me what happened last time.”

“Oh, and so what?” I ask, feeling defensive, “If he told you what happened, then you should realize that I can’t tell him! I can’t talk to him, it is the last thing that he wants, Luke! I can’t do that!”

“Whatever, Hales. You’re being a coward about this. Nathan has laid it all out on the line for you so many times, and still – still – you’re considering not telling him about this? Come on. He begged you, Haley. Begged. Do you have any idea how hard it was for him?”

I shake my head, angry that he’s bringing all of this up now. “Luke,” I sigh, “Of course I know, I was there.”

“No, you obviously don’t,” he spits out bitterly, “Look, Hales, I love you, and I think Jason is a really great guy, and if he is what you want? Then I’m really happy for you. But I think it is shitty that you can’t – no, this isn’t any of my business and I’m not getting involved with it. Look, if you want Nathan to know, you need to tell him or find someone else who will. I won’t do your dirty work any more.”

“Luke,” I try again, “That isn’t what I’m asking you to do! I just think it would be easier if he heard it from you, someone he loves. Not me, someone he hates.”

“We both know he doesn’t hate you, Hales. He couldn’t even if he wanted to, and he couldn’t even if he should.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask, even though I already know.

“You know what it means. Stop being a coward and tell him yourself. And think about this: maybe what you think I mean in terms of your cowardice isn’t what I mean at all.” I’m grappling with his meaning on this one, but before I can respond, he speaks again. “Hales, I’ve got to go. We’ve got a team meeting before the game.”

“Uh, okay, Luke. Merry Christmas. I love you.”

“Love you, too. Think about it.”

“Yeah, I will. Bye.”

We hang up, and I sit here for a few minutes thinking about everything that he said. Maybe he’s right – maybe it isn’t fair of me to ask him to tell Nathan I’m engaged. But still, all I know is that I can’t tell him myself. I just can’t.

“There’s nothing I can do about any of this now,” I mutter aloud to myself, shaking the thoughts off and walking out to find Jason and his family. The first person I come across is Lola, watching TV.

“Haley!” Lola exclaims as I walk into the living room. I sit down beside her, taking a few pieces of popcorn out of the bowl she offers.

“Thank you,” I smile.

“Which one of your hot friends were you talking to?” she asks eagerly. I think now that she is single again, she is actually sort of serious about me hooking her up with one of my ‘hot’ friends.

I laugh. “It was just Luke. You know, Christmas Eve phone call and all that good stuff,” I explain.

“Hmm,” she says, tapping her chin as if in thought, “Maybe soon I’ll have an occasion to meet the infamous Luke.”

“Oh, God,” I groan, “You two would be insane. Scarily enough, you’d probably get along really well.”

“Hey, how is that a bad thing?”

I laugh, “Well, it’s not exactly a bad thing, but it’s just, oh, I don’t know. But hey, maybe you two can meet sooner than later.”

“Oh, really,” she asks, raising an eyebrow at me, “How soon and for what fabulous occasion would this be for?”

I think she kind of knows that something is up, and that she probably even has a pretty good idea of exactly what that is. “Well, maybe something will come up sooner than you expect,” I tease her. It’ll be fun to tell people who will actually be excited about this, unlike Luke was.

“You two are engaged, aren’t you?” she asks point-blank, startling the crap out of me.

“What? Wh-why would you think that?” I stutter, shifting nervously on the couch. I know Jason wanted to tell his whole family at once.

“Because I know Jason, and he was sooo excited about something, and I can’t think of anything else that could possibly make him that excited.” She looks at my slyly. “And your reaction to my asking didn’t do you any favors in terms of hiding it, either.”

“Damn,” I mutter, digging in my pocket for the ring. I hand it to her, and she squeals quietly, clapping a hand over her mouth.

“Oh, my God, Haley! This is so awesome! The awesomest awesome that ever awesomed!”

I laugh at her enthusiasm, glad that the bitter aftertaste of telling Lucas is being washed out of my mouth. “Thank you, I’m glad you’re happy about this!”

“Happy? Oh, no, I am thrilled! Oh, my God, you’ll be my sister in law!” she bubbles, clapping her hands.

“Okay, I’m happy too,” I laugh as she hugs me again, “But you can’t tell anyone yet, and you absolutely cannot tell Jason you already know. He wants to tell all three of you together. I think he’d be bummed if he found out you already knew!”

“Okay, okay! Oh, my God, this is so exciting! So, how’d he propose? When will the wedding be? Damn, I have so many questions, don’t leave any details out!”

I laugh, but it is hard not to be swept up in her enthusiasm. She is definitely cheering me up, and I’m grateful as hell for that, especially since we’ll be telling Marissa and Gina soon.

“Well, let’s see. He proposed on Halloween. He had this whole elaborate thing set up, but he was being a tight-lipped ass, and I knew something was wrong, so I spoiled it by confronting him. But it was perfect – he proposed right in the middle of Brooke and Tim’s Halloween party, and it was great. So sweet.”

“He a romantic thing planned out?” she laughs, trying to keep her voice down. “I can’t believe my brother sometimes!”

“Yeah, it was sweet, even if it didn’t work out how he had planned. It worked out well for us.”

“I know I keep saying this, but wow.”

“What’s your mom going to say?” I ask her curiously. “I mean, I think she’ll be happy and Jason is positive she will, but we want to get married in June. That’s soon, think she’ll hate it?”

“Hate it? Well, no, I think she’ll love it. I mean, June is soon, really soon, but Mom has never been one to get upset when one of us wants to do something, especially if she knows how much said something means to us, you know?” I nod. “I know she’ll be thrilled for both of you.”

“Thank God. I mean, I guess I always knew she’d be happy, but to hear someone who isn’t Jason tell me she will makes it even easier. He’s her only son, you know? I was afraid she’d go all Mama Bear or something.”

“Nah, Mom’s cool. She’s the one who encouraged me to go to Yale and Jay-Jay to Duke even though there are fine schools that are closer. She wants what we want, and well, Jay wants you.”

I smile brightly at her. “Well, I want him, too.” I think I’m saying this more for my sake then hers, but I can’t think about this now.

“Oh, my God!” she squeals again as Jason walks into the room. He looks at us quizzically, obviously curious why she’s squealing and we’re sitting side by side on the couch gossiping like this.

“What’s going on?” he asks, cautious sounding.

“Nothing, baby,” I smile up at him, “We’re just, um – “

“Sharing college stories,” Lola fills in, “You know, ‘I know this one girl who slept with this guy, and then got screwed over by a friend who went after him’ stories. Shit like that.”

He nods, confused. “Okay, whatever.” He looks at us again. “Is that really what you girls talk about?”

Lola and I look at each other and burst out laughing. “No,” I gasp out, “Not usually, but it was just, um, one of those conversations that just come up.”

He groans. “You were talking about me, weren’t you?” he accuses, “Whatever she is saying isn’t true.” Lola and I laugh even harder. “I’m serious, Hale, whatever load of crap my sister is feeding you is just that, crap.”

“Honey, she wasn’t talking about you, I promise,” I tell him, reaching up to grab his hand. “We were just doing the girl talk thing.”

He shakes his head. “Right. Girl talk. Anyways, time for cheesecake and cocoa.” I look at him, curious as to what those have to do with Christmas. Jason shrugs and Lola grins. “Family tradition,” he explains, “We used to do this nasty fruitcake until my genius sister here puked all over the table while eating it. She saved us from the torture, and now we get cheesecake.”

“Most worthwhile puking I’ve ever done,” Lola confirms, “That fruitcake was inedible, and yet, Mom always expected us to eat two or three slices – each.”

“And a tradition was born out of puke, huh?” I quip, laughing, “That might be the most bizarre thing I’ve ever heard in my life!”

“Well, we’re in an interesting family,” Jason sighs with a smile.

“I knew that,” I tell him, “You claim Tim as a member of it.” We all laugh a little knowing that for all his flaws, Tim is a great guy we all love.

“Let’s go you two,” Jason says when we calm down, “Cheesecake and cocoa for everyone awaits.”

“Mom’s cheesecake is pretty much to die for,” Lola mentions, “And I’m not just saying that because she’s my mom and she’s standing in the doorway, either.”

Gina starts laughing. “Sure you aren’t, honey. No matter, let’s go eat.” She ushers us all into the family room where the tree is and sits us down before passing us plates of rich looking cheesecake and hot, steaming mugs of cocoa.

“It’s the best,” Jason says simply. He waits until we all have our goodies, and then he stands up and takes my hand, pulling me up with him. He can’t keep the smile off his face as he says, “Haley and I have something we’d like to tell you. We’re engaged!”

Marissa drops her fork. “Seriously? That is so cool! When’s the wedding going to be? Oh, my gosh, can I be in it?” she asks with pleading eyes.

“Calm down, Riss,” Lola laughs, winking at me, “And congratulations to you both! I’m so happy for you two!”

Jason grins as Lola hugs him. “Thanks, Lols. That means a lot.”

The only one who hasn’t said anything is Gina. I look at her hesitantly and see she is smiling, so maybe she’s just letting things process or whatever. She stands up, though, and hugs first Jason and then me.

“I’m very happy for you both. This is a very wonderful occasion,” she grins, finally. “So, now I would also like to know the details, as I’m sure would your sisters.”

We all sit back down, and Jason tells them how everything happened, and I pull the necklace I’ve hung the ring on out and put it on my finger to show off. They all ooh and ahh appropriately, and ask about a hundred and one questions. But it’s fun and relaxing and they seem genuinely happy for us, and make me feel like I’m already a part of their family.

“You realize that June is awfully soon, don’t you?” Gina asks, “Now, I’m not trying to discourage you – I’d never do that – but with both of you going to school full-time, it will be hard to plan it in that short of a time.”

“We know, Gina, but we don’t want anything elaborate anyways, so we’re thinking we can get it done.”

“Are you sure? I know you’re both terribly busy; Jason, you are in law school, for crying out loud, and Haley, I know you are trying to make up for lost time within your major.”

“Mom, we’ll figure it out,” he assures her, “Don’t worry, neither of us will let our grades slip or anything like that.”

She shakes her head, laughing. “I’m not worried about that. I was actually trying to offer my services without seeming imposing.”

“What kind of services?” Jason asks, raising an eyebrow at her.

“Oh, I’m not going to take all the planning over, Jason,” she sighs exasperatedly, “But I can help with setting things up once you decide what you want. You know, Haley, if you pick out flowers, I can work with the florist and get them ordered. And Riss and I can scout out locations and narrow lists down for you. Things like that. Don’t worry, I won’t try and dictate the what’s and the where’s and the who’s.”

I laugh, delighted with her willingness to help. “Oh, my gosh, you have no idea how much that would help. I mean, I know Brooke will do whatever I need, and probably Karen, too, but this would be incredible. Thank you, Gina.”

“Anything for my future daughter in law,” she smiles. I get up to hug her. “My son is a very lucky guy,” she whispers in my ear.

“Thank you,” I sniff out.

“No, thank you. You have made him so very happy.”

I pull away, smiling at her, but feeling a little guilty. I know that I’ve made him happier than he’s made me, which isn’t to say that he hasn’t made me happy at all, just – not as much, I guess. It’s a terrible thing, that. But there isn’t anything I can do to change it. Besides, I love Jason, he’s a great guy, and I know things will be good with him.

~*~

~*~March, 2009~*~

“Dammit, Tutor Girl, hold still,” Brooke mutters, stomping her foot, “If you want to find the perfect hairstyle, you have to hold still and let the master do her thing.”

I sigh, willing my body not to move. Brooke has screeched at me about sixty different times since we started this ordeal. Yes, it can only be described as an ordeal. We are going dress shopping in – hmm, fifteen minutes now - with Karen, and Brooke insisted that we find the hairstyle I want so that I can appropriately choose a veil. Apparently there is some kind of rule about that which I wasn’t aware of. I don’t know, I’m just along for the ride.

“Wow, this is a good one,” Brooke decides, stepping back to look closer, “Look, Tutor Girl, look! This is so great!”

I slowly swivel around to see what the fuss is about. I gasp involuntarily, amazed at the intricacy of what she’s done to my hair. It is half up, half down, and the top half is this pile of twists that look meant to be.

“Tigger, it looks awesome!” I breathe.

“I know!” she laughs, obviously pleased with herself and her creation, “Here, don’t move, I’ll get the camera so we can take pictures of it from every angle so that it can be recreated perfectly on your wedding day!” She runs off to get the camera.

My wedding day. June 27th, 2009. The church is booked, more for the benefit of Jason and his family than me. The guest lists have been finalized, and the invitations will be sent out shortly. We’ve also got the color schemes and flowers chosen, and most of the other minute wedding details have been seen to.

All that’s left now is the supposedly fun stuff like dress shopping. Which brings us to today. Not only are we looking at bridal gowns today, but we will also be looking at bridesmaid gowns for Brooke, Lola, and Marissa, as well as a ‘mother of the bride’ dress for Karen. My own mom will just wear whatever the hell she wants, anyways, and it isn’t like she has bothered to be involved in this process. Or any of my processes, for that matter.

Brooke is furiously snapping pictures of my hair with her digital camera, and I just ignore her, enjoying the moment of quiet. Sometimes I feel like everything is loud and overwhelming and moving way too fast, but I’m too caught up in the current to do anything about it. So instead I just go with the flow, and enjoy these few minutes of silence and peace whenever and wherever I can get them. My entire life has become fairly consumed with this wedding and the preparations.

Of course, true to their words, Gina, Karen, and Brooke have all been huge in helping me. I know I couldn’t have done any of this without them. I’d probably be curled up in the fetal position somewhere still from the first time I met with the caterer. In all honesty, I stupidly thought that I could prepare for this wedding and get things done, but I had no idea how hard it would be. How complicated this all is.

“You ready to go, Tutor Girl?” Brooke asks, snapping me out of my reverie.

I nod, glancing up at her. “Yeah, let’s go.”

We meet Karen at a bridal boutique here, and by the time we meet with a saleslady, my spirits are bolstered. We decline her immediate assistance, instead choosing to browse for awhile on our own.

So we wander, occasionally holding up dresses for the others to check out, and put a select few in a dressing room that was set aside for us. Once we’ve got a good pile going, Brooke and I step into the dressing room to try things on. None of the dresses we’ve picked out are exactly Vera Wang, but I do have a limited budget to work with here.

But I like the selection we’ve ended up with, and I am confident that one of these dresses will work for me. I try on the first with Karen’s assistance, a lacy thing with a princess cut and full skirt. It has short cap sleeves, and it looks like a dress you’d see on TV.

“What do you think?” Karen asks. I can tell she doesn’t like it based solely on the fact that she doesn’t offer an opinion of it. She is also kind of crinkling her nose a tiny bit.

I can’t help but laugh at her expression. “Um, it’s nice, but it’s a little – oh, I don’t know, floofy, don’t you think?”

She laughs, too. “I didn’t know ‘floofy’ was a word, but I definitely think this dress is indeed just that.”

I nod my head. “Hey, Tigger, the first dress is a no go!” I call to Brooke so that she’s kept abreast of things while she tries on bridesmaid dresses. We agreed to only show each other the ones we actually liked.

“Yeah, mine, too,” she calls back. “Was yours that lacy one with the mushroom skirt?”

Karen and I smile at her apt description of the dress. “It sure was, Brooke,” Karen responds.

“Good, that thing was all kinds of fug,” she declares, “But I wouldn’t have told you that if you liked it. But I bet you look like you’re drowning in lace and tulle right now.”

Karen and I crack up this time. “Yes, Karen is about to toss me a life preserver so I can I swim out of this thing.”

“I knew it!” Brooke cheers, probably patting herself on the back.

I roll my eyes, and Karen helps me out of the dress. The next one is much tamer and for simpler. It is a cream colored dress with an empire waist and no beading or lace or anything. It has long sleeves, which I’m beginning to think could be a problem if the weather is nice since I’m getting hot standing in an air-conditioned dressing room with it on.

“Well, that one is pretty, “ Karen smiles.

“I feel like a roasting pig,” I moan, “It is hotter than hell in this damn thing. Seriously, if you don’t get me out of it, I might get heatstroke.”

“And you call me over dramatic?” Brooke shouts from the next stall over.

“Yes, because you are!” I shout back, and Karen shakes her head at us, but a laugh escapes as well.

“Hello Pot, meet the Kettle!” she retorts, laughing. “Hey, I think this second dress I have on is pretty hot, want to see?”

I sigh. “Brooke, I’m not sure if ‘hot’ is a euphemism I want applied to my bridesmaids’ dresses, you know? But sure, let’s see.”

She steps into the large dressing room Karen and I are in; she is wearing a beautiful strapless black gown. It is knee-length, simple, and gorgeous. The only qualm I have about it is the color. Black seems so formal, and this wedding is going to be during the day, in a small church here, and formal would be out of place.

“I love it,” I tell her seriously, “It’s just the color doesn’t seem right. When I picture black as a wedding color, it just seems so stuffy and formal. Like a ceremony with ivory colored roses and huge candelabras. I don’t know if that’ll work for Jason and me.”

She rolls her eyes at me. “Tutor Girl, the dress comes in practically every color under the sun. Besides, you already picked colors, remember? You know, the lavender and silver? The invitations that are probably being printed right this second are in those colors.” She winks at Karen.

Even the colors aren’t me, now that I think about it. Karen puts her arm around me sympathetically. “Honey, are you okay? I know how stressful planning a wedding can be. And I can only imagine how hard it is with you being in school right now, and you have such a heavy class load right now.”

I mentally sigh, but force a smile for the benefit of both Karen and Brooke. “Oh, I’m fine, really. I think it was just that when I saw how great the black looked, that was all I could see, you know?” The look at me dubiously. “I mean it, you guys! Come on, let’s try on more dresses. Tigger, set that one aside, okay?”

She nods, walking out of my stall and back to her own. Karen looks at me. “Are you sure you’re okay? You seem so jumpy, and to be frank, a little lost, Haley. Tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m just tired, Karen,” I promise her, “Things will be better after midterms, I’m sure.”

I know she still doesn’t believe me, but she doesn’t argue and instead helps me out of the sauna dress that I can’t believe I was wearing all this time, and into the next dress, a simple white strapless dress. The bodice is satin and the skirt is swirling tulle. There is some minor beadwork around the waist and across the top of the bodice, but it adds to the dress instead of detracting from it. Karen zips me up, and gasps audibly when she sees me in it.

“Oh, Haley, this is it, this is your dress,” she smiles, tears in her eyes. The dress is all one length, no gaudy train that will drag eight miles behind me, instead all falling at the same length just below my ankles. Well, it will once it is hemmed.

“I love it,” I breathe, “And it will look so pretty with the dress Brooke picked out for her and the bridesmaids!”

“Let me see! Let me see!” Brooke bubbles demandingly through the door. Karen lets her in, and she stands behind me looking at my reflection with me in the mirror. She still has the black dress on, and even more now than before I can tell this is it. This is the perfect combo. This is what I want my wedding to look like.

I turn around, grinning at them. “This is it!”

“It is so it!” Brooke grins back. “Oh, my God, it’s perfect, Tutor Girl, it really is. Now all you need is a veil!”

“I think I saw the perfect one earlier,” Karen smiles, stepping around us, “I’ll just go grab it. You two stay right here.”

We watch as she leaves, and then Brooke pulls me into a hug. “Are you really okay? I know this happening really fast, and I mean, you know I love Jase and all, but I love you most. If you – well, you know, if you need something, and I mean anything, I’m your girl.”

I almost cry, her words are so sweet, but I don’t. I almost spill everything, her words are so reassuring, but I can’t. So instead I smile as big and bright as I can when I pull out of her hug, and again lie, assuring her that everything is perfect.

“Honest, Tigger, a little sleep is all I need.”

She nods, smiling back. Like Karen, I don’t think she believes me, but I’m not going to do this. Not here in a bridal shop in the dress I’ll be marrying Jason in, and probably not ever.

“Well, maybe you and I should go to Tree Hill for the weekend. I know my parents are gone, we can stay there,” she suggests, “And just have a relaxing weekend of nothing but studying and sleeping.”

“Maybe an occasional movie?” I ask, laughing. “Oh, well, I’ll be there part of the time anyways, I have to work.”

“You just can’t let a few days go by without seeing Eric, can you?” she asks, laughing. Like she doesn’t know exactly how enamored of that child I am. I’ve talked Karen into letting him be my ring bearer, even though he will barely be two, and it is unlikely he’ll want to stand there the whole time. Keith figures he can hang onto him until we’re ready and then let him come flying at me like he did at their wedding.

“You caught me,” I agree, “He’s my little angel.”

“Are you talking about my youngest son again?” Karen asks with a laugh. She’s holding a long, long veil – it looks like it would actually take the place of a train.

“Yes, I am,” I tell her as she and Brooke arrange the veil in my hair. They spin me around and straighten the veil and have me look in the mirror.

“Wow, that’s – it’s so pretty with the hair like this!” I exclaim, laughing. I’m so relieved at how things are coming together now. For awhile there it seemed like nothing would ever be ready, and it was like this long nightmare waiting for some other shoe to drop right on top of me.

“I’m a genius,” Brooke grins, “But I’ll warn you now, there is no way I’ll be able to get your hair done on the wedding day. I’ll be too busy beautifying myself.”

Karen and I laugh with her. “You freak,” I retort, “You can’t look too beautiful – there will be no out-shining the bride.”

Brooke snorts. “Please, Jason will have all his hot fraternity friends there – probably a few I don’t even know, maybe a Big B type or something. I need to look my best. You’ve already got your guy, let your best friend get hers!”

“You really can’t argue with that logic, Haley,” Karen smiles, arguing in Brooke’s favor, “It is hard to find a good man these days, a girl needs all the help she can get!”

“How would you know?” I ask her, arching an eyebrow at her, “You had Keith forever; it’s not like you had to go out looking!”

She laughs. “Well, I did, though. Not looking for him, of course, but looking for someone or even something else that was better. Luckily for me, I realized that there was nothing better than what I already had before he realized that I wasn’t good enough for him.”

I know her words are intended as banter, but all the serve to do for me is remind me of all the things I will lose when I say ‘I do’ with Jason. All the things I used to have, all the memories I’ve made – they’ll be gone or tarnished, and what will I have then?

~*~

~*~June 20, 2009~*~

I am so damn drunk right now that you could probably knock me over with a feather, and when I was picking myself up off the floor, I’d probably thank you for kicking my ass.

“Tutor Girl!” Brooke screams at me from across the room, “Get your soon-to-be-old-married-woman ass over here and get some hot stripper action!”

I giggle at her, and link arms with Lola, who I was standing at the bar with, and drag her over to where Brooke is sitting. It is just the three of us here. We invited Karen and Gina, but they both thought it’d be better if they let us go out and have our fun. And fun we are having.

Lola gets sidetracked by a waiter in a g-string, so I make my way stumbling to the table on my own, giggling when Brooke grabs a hold of my arm and pulls me down.

“Give him this twenty!” she yells, a wicked gleam in her eye.

Blushing, even though we’ve been here for about two hours, I do as she tells me. The dancer gyrates himself against my hand, and for a minute I almost burst into laughter at the absurdity of all this.

“Tigger, if you told me three years ago we’d be doing this a week before my wedding, I’d have had you committed!” I laugh.

She rolls her eyes at me. “Like you don’t love it!” She smacks a waiter on the butt as he walks by. “God, this is good living!”

“Holy shit!” Lola laughs, sitting down on Brooke’s lap, “Did you see that waiter? Was he not the hottest thing you’ve ever seen? Damn, I spent all these years thinking strippers were nasty and greasy! Who knew I was missing out on him!”

Her eyes all glazed over and dreamy looking, and Brooke and I laugh at her. “Well, Lols, you obviously haven’t hung around with Brooke Davis enough. Because I know where all the hot strippers in a three county radius reside,” she asserts strongly, causing Lola to laugh and look slightly fascinated and me to roll my eyes.

“You’re a freak, Tigger,” I tell her, laughing.

“I try,” she smirks. One of the strippers stops in front of me, shaking his ass in my face. I kind of laugh, trying to push him aside while Brooke reaches over and shoves money into his waistband.

“Brooke, stop encouraging them!” I yell at her, trying not to laugh. She rolls her eyes at me, shrugging exaggeratedly.

“This is what is supposed to happen, Tutor Girl! It is a strip club! Hot men,” she winks, patting the guy on the rear, “Are supposed to dance on you with little to no clothing.”

“Whatever!” I laugh, getting up, “I’m going outside for a second, I need some air.” She nods, barely turning her attention away from the dancer who has moved onto her. Lola is flirting with the waiter again, paying no attention to us, so I don’t feel like I’m ditching her, either.

I get outside, and slump against the wall. I’m getting married in – wow, in a week now. To Jason. God, I am getting married to Jason in a week. How did things go so fast? How did I get here?

Unbidden, thoughts of Nathan come to mind, and my hand unconsciously moves over the ‘23’ tattoo that still graces my lower back. Jason has never asked about it, but I’m sure that if he didn’t get filled in by Tim, he figured it out since Nathan still uses that number. Of course, I never told Jason that I was once married to Nathan, either. He thinks this is both of our first marriage.

I guess legally he’s right. Our parents had our marriage annulled, which is basically just erasing it from the records. I don’t know why I haven’t told Jason – maybe it just hasn’t come up, but that’s not fair. Of course it hasn’t come up. Who would ask if you were once married to your high school sweetheart for a few months in high school? No one.

There have been a thousand times I could have told Jason, and there have been a thousand more where I should have told him. But I can’t. No, more to the point, I don’t want to. I don’t want to sever that last tie I have to Nathan. Our brief marriage is, in some ways, all that I have left of him now. I don’t want to lose that.

It is so selfish and pathetic that I am willing to start our marriage on a lie like that. There is no way I can even convince myself that it isn’t a big one because I know. I know it is. It’s huge, and that is all there is to it.

And Nathan, oh, God, Nathan. Why do I spend half of my waking hours thinking of him? Why can’t I shake these thoughts that maybe – maybe – I’m not doing the right thing? Why am I so damn scared and stressed out over all of this? It is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, and I’m acting like someone is sending me to a firing squad.

By the time I get through all these thoughts, I’m gasping for breath and shaking like a leaf. What if I’m doing the wrong thing?

~*~

~*~June 27, 2009~*~

This is it. Today I will no longer be Haley James, or Haley James Scott, as I’ve occasionally thought of myself; no, I will be Haley Smith, wife of Jason Smith.

Wife. Why does that word feel so heavy all of a sudden? Why does it feel like it is the greatest burden in the world, and I don’t think I’m strong enough to bare it?

Karen and Brooke are in here helping me get ready, and I know they both know something is wrong with me, but neither have said so. Thank God. What would I say? Yeah, I’ve spent all my savings on this wedding, and yeah, it would break Jason’s heart, but I’m just not feeling it? Yeah, right.

They both keep giving me concerned glances, though, looking at me sideways as they straighten my veil on my head or help me into my shoes. Outwardly, everything is perfect. Even I can see that. My simple bouquet of white roses is perfect, as are the bridesmaid bouquets of lavender and silvery-gray roses. Brooke looks perfect in her silver dress, and I know Lola and Marissa look perfect, too.

I’m barely paying attention as Brooke excuses herself from the room so that Karen and I can chat. “Honey, are you okay?” she asks, obviously very concerned, “It seems like you’re in a bit of a daze.”

I nod, trying to clear my head. “Just excited,” I mutter, pathetically unconvincing, “Can’t wait to get married.” God, I’m about to cry. I can’t cry now, I can’t.

“Haley, honey, you need to tell me now if you can’t – “

I glance sharply towards her, interrupting, “There is no ‘can’t’. I can’t ‘can’t’ do this. I have to do this, there is no question of that!”

“Haley, you always have choices,” she says gently, “And if you want to choose not to get married, I’ll do whatever you need me to do, okay, baby?”

The tears spill over, and Karen wipes them away gently. “Karen, I have to marry him. It would hurt him so much if I didn’t, and think of all the people that would hate me. Gina, Lola, Marissa – God, Kare, Tim would hate me, and he is one of my best friends.”

“Tim wouldn’t hate you, Haley. He might be upset with you, and hurt, but he wouldn’t hate you.”

I shake my head. “You know what? It doesn’t matter, though, because I’m not backing out. I promised Jason I’d marry him, and I’ll do exactly that,” I say firmly, trying to make myself believe I can go through with it.

Brooke steps quietly back in. “Looks like everyone is out there. Even Peyton is here, Tutor Girl,” she smiles. I think she’s trying to cheer me up with that news, but I could care less who is out there. I actually wish that no one was out there.

“Wow, Peyton? Didn’t know if her doctors would let her leave the city for that long,” I mumble, welcoming the whirlwind distraction that is Brooke.

“I met two of your brothers,” she comments, continuing her babbling, “How come you were holding out on their hotness from me? Sure, they’re a little older, but come on, this is 2009 – a girl can go out with an older guy.”

Karen smiles. “Two of her older brothers are older than I am,” she points out, “And they are all married.”

“Details, details,” Brooke jokes, winking.

A knock sounds at the door, and we all quiet as Brooke moves to answer it. “Ah, Broody, come on in. She’s over there,” she points, indicating me. She and Karen both make there excuses, Karen promising to return shortly with Keith and Eric for a family moment.

Once the door shuts behind them, Luke turns to me. “What’s wrong, Hales? And please don’t say ‘nothing’, I’m not stupid and I know better.”

I shake my head, unable to get words out. “I – I am so scared, Luke,” I choke out, my whole body shaking violently.

Concern washes over his face, and he drops down next to me, wrapping his arms around me. “Oh, Hales, why? Does Jason hurt you, baby? Just tell me, I won’t let that happen ever again, okay?”

I laugh at his jump to that conclusion. “No, he doesn’t hurt me, Luke. He’s too good for me, and he loves me so much. And then I’m just – I’m here, and I don’t even know, and I’m so scared that I’m going to hurt him so bad, and he’ll hate me, everyone will hate me!”

He hugs me tighter. “Hales, tell me what you need. Tell me what you need for this to be made okay because I will do it for you.”

“Tell me I’m doing the right thing, Luke!” I beg, looking up at him with pleading, desperate eyes, “I need you to tell me that!”

He shakes his head. “Oh, Hales, only you know that.” He looks so sad for me, but at the same time, he looks proud, like I’m getting something I should’ve got a long time ago. “Does this have anything to do with Nathan?”

I shrug. “I don’t know,” I whisper, although I really do, “I haven’t even told Jason that Nathan and I were married. How lame am I?”

He looks at me sympathetically. “Hales, it isn’t such a big deal, that. I mean, high school? Come on, right?”

I nod, trying to believe something that I can tell even he doesn’t believe. “I feel like a fraud right now,” I whisper.

“Knock, knock,” Karen calls, slightly opening the door, “Can we come in?”

Luke wipes the tears from face as he answers her. “Sure, Mom, come on in. We were just having one last unmarried best friend chat.”

All three of them step through the door, and Eric immediately struggles to be let down so he can run to me. When Keith sets him down, he does just that.

“I think I should be jealous,” Luke quips, “My baby brother is always choosing Haley over me. Just isn’t fair!”

“Maybe you should visit more often,” Karen smiles, gently chastising him for the fewer and farther between nature of his visits.

“Yeah, or maybe that.”

I cradle Eric in my arms, paying little attention to everything else. It is easier to focus on him, someone I know will love and adore me no matter what. As if reading my thoughts, Keith clears his throat.

“Haley, I just wanted to let you know that you’ve been like a daughter to me, probably since the day we met and you started nagging me about when I’d propose to Karen. You’ve done a world of good for my family – for Karen, and Luke, and Eric – and I want you to know that all of us, all four of us, are here for you no matter what. No matter what,” he repeats for emphasis.

I nod, unsure of what to say, so I stick with the simple, “Thank you, Keith.”

He leans over and hugs me around Eric and Luke. “You’re welcome, Haley. And I meant it – we all love you so much. You truly are a daughter and sister to us.”

I smile, brushing away a tear. “Thank you, you have no idea how much that means, how much I needed to hear that.” He looks at Karen, and I begin to think that maybe, just maybe, he did know exactly how much I needed it.

I stand up, still holding Eric, with Luke’s assistance, and pull them all in for a hug. “In the ways that count, you are truly my family. I love you all so much!” I tell them, trying to hold my tears in.

“We love you, too, Hales,” Luke says, kissing my cheek, “We all love you, and we all support you no matter what, through everything, okay? You know that, right?”

I nod, laying my head on his shoulder. “I know.” And I just can’t help but think I might need that help.

~*~

“James, you are looking good,” Tim enthuses, as he jogs over, sweeping me up in a hug. “Look at you!”

“Thanks, Smith,” I laugh, blushing. I’m trying really hard not let my fear, and my doubts, and the conflict I’m feeling show right now. Luckily Tim is more focused on being excited that one of his best friends is marrying his cousin, so I don’t think he even notices yet.

“It’s a great day for a wedding, isn’t it?” he grins, hugging me again. “You’re going to be family soon!”

I nearly shudder, thinking of all that entails, but I think I manage to keep my smile pasted on.

“Hey, you okay?” he asks, concerned, “You’re looking kind of, um, well, a little green. That can’t be good. God, you aren’t pregnant, are you?”

“No!” I practically shout at him. “God, of course, I’m not pregnant, Tim! I can’t believe you even suggested that.”

He shrugs. “Just saying. But hey, you – you’d tell me if you weren’t okay, right? If, um, well, you know, if this wasn’t going to – “ he cuts himself off, unsure of what to say.

My eyes fill with tears for about the hundredth time in the last half hour, and I just nod. “I’m fine, Tim,” I whisper. “You’d better get inside, I think we’re about to start.”

He still looks concerned, but nods. “Okay, I’ll go. Hey, you know I love you, right?” he offers, smiling.

I nod back at him. “I know. I love you, too. You’re a great friend, Smith.”

“You, too, James.”

Everyone is inside now except Brooke, Marissa, Lola, Eric, my father, and me. We are waiting for the music to strike up, and as the wait grows longer, my nerves become more frayed and I get closer to either throwing up or fainting. Of course, I probably won’t do either, but I feel like I’m going to arrive at some horrible point of no return, and who knows what will happen.

Brooke steps over to me as first Marissa and then Lola walk down the aisle of the church. She smiles at me as she fixes my veil. “Anything you need, Haley,” she says, still smiling. She squeezes my hand. “Anything at all, I’m here, okay? Do what you got to!”

I nod, fighting back the tears that are yet again threatening. Marissa and Lols are both standing at the altar now – I can see them from where I stand on the right side of the door, and they smile at me, but I’m hidden from Jason’s view.

I kneel down to Eric. “Okay, baby,” I tell him, smiling as I straighten his bow tie, “You have to walk down and get Brookie now, okay? Go get Brookie!” He takes off, sprinting down the aisle and throwing himself at Brooke who scoops him up, grinning at him as he pulls on her hair.

My dad turns to me as ‘my song’ starts to play. “You ready?”

The shaking resumes, attacking my entire body. “I – yeah, let’s go.” As if my dad is a person I’d want to talk to about any of this. There is just no way.

We start walking, and I glance at all of the faces in the audience. Peyton, Jake, and Jenny. Karen and Keith sitting by Deb and Dan, who look sad but happy at the same time. My brothers and my sisters with their spouses and children. My mom. Gina and the rest of Jason’s family. Luke and Tim, standing up next to Jason. The only person I can’t seem to look at is Jason.

I make eye contact with Brooke, and I can tell by the look on her face that she knows exactly what I’m thinking, feeling, and it isn’t good. She smiles slightly, probably in sympathy. I will myself to glance up and make eye contact with Jason, and when I do – I know. I can’t do this.

I find myself slowing down, and my dad looks down at me, maybe even with concern, but probably just impatience. My feet start to drag, and I can see the looks of realization cross people’s faces – Jason’s face. It is getting hard to breathe, and all of a sudden, the only thing I can think to do is run. And so I do.

I turn and run like the coward that I am. Making no further eye contact and not bothering to check the tears that are now falling freely, I run as fast as I can in this damn cumbersome dress. I can hear the gasps and whispers and exclamations as I do this, and all I can see is the last glimpse of Jason’s face that I’d got. It was that moment where he realized what was happening, and what wasn’t going to happen.

“Haley!” someone calls, probably Brooke or Karen, and I know at least one of them will be coming after me.

“Oh, God, oh, God,” I chant aloud as I run. I don’t know where I’m going, and I don’t know what I’ll do when I get there, but I just know I cannot be here, not one single second longer. As I burst out the doors at the outer entrance of the church, I run into someone, and fall down on the steps.

“Are you okay?” the person asks, and I gasp in shock.

“Nathan? Oh, shit, what are you doing here?” I wail, unable to deal with anyone, perhaps him most of all, right now.

“I – I don’t know, I guess I couldn’t stay away. Had to see it for myself to believe it,” he spits out bitterly. He looks closer at me, taking in the tears on my face, the makeup that was once perfect but probably now ruined, and the veil that is askew, and his eyes widen with realization. “Do you need a ride?”

I’m panting – out of fear, shock, embarrassment, and a whole slough of other emotions I can’t quite identify. Accepting Nathan’s offer of a ride would probably be the worst thing I could possibly do right now. In fact, I can see no way in which it wouldn’t be. But what else can I do? I have to get out of here, if only for my own sanity, and I don’t have a car here, and I can’t even get access to one without going back inside.

“Yeah, I need a ride,” I tell him pitifully, tears streaming down my face. He’s sweet as he helps me up, but he doesn’t take my hand or invade my space at all, something I am grateful for.

“Come on, I parked right there in the fire lane,” he tells me, pointing, “I wasn’t going to stay long.”

I nod at his explanation, but don’t say anything. There isn’t anything to say right now; nothing that will make either of us happy, anyways. As he helps me into his car, I see Jason and Luke and Brooke and Tim and Karen and Keith and Jason’s family all crowding out the doors. I see the look on Jason’s face, the anguish, and when my face falls, and fresh tears spring to my eyes, Nathan squeezes my shoulder in quiet reassurance before running around to his door and jumping in.

I relax in the seat as he pulls away – all tension drains from my body, and I feel imminently better. I guess this is one of knowing I made the right decision – it does feel right. Oh, I feel awful about it all – rightfully so, I should feel awful, but I know I made the right decision.

“They’re all gonna hate me,” I whisper, finally breaking the silence several miles down the road.

He shakes his head. “Hey, they will not.”

“God, I screwed up, I screwed up so bad,” I cry, pulling my knees up against my chest, hugging them to me.

“Maybe it would have been worse of a mistake if you went through with it,” he points out quietly.

I nod. “I know that, I do, but God, I saw his face – I saw it and I ran away. How can he not hate me?”

He just shrugs, not saying anything. God, I’m so stupid – he hates me, too. “Dammit, Nathan, why are you here?” I ask, lashing out at him. It is rude and unfair and so wrong, but I need to lash out at someone, and he is the only one in the car. “You hate me, you told me so!”

He shakes his head. “Hey, Haley, I never said that. I just said I never wanted to see you again. There’s a difference,” he says wryly.

“Not much of one,” I point out, “You generally don’t want to make a point of never seeing someone that you love or even just like again.”

“You do when it hurts too bad,” he sighs. “Look, where do you want me to drop you off? Your apartment? Your parent’s place in Tree Hill? You gotta give me something here, Haley.”

He isn’t going to stay with me. Well, of course he isn’t. Why would he? I shouldn’t have expected that he would have, after all he isn’t my biggest fan in the world, right?

“Um, I don’t know, is – I can’t go back to the apartment,” I whisper, “They’ll look there, and I don’t want to go to my parent’s house. They’ll yell at me. Can you drop me off at the café?”

He nods, and I know he understands. “Yeah, I’ll drop you there. You’ll be okay, right?”

“I’m not going to kill myself if that’s what you’re asking,” I tell him. I’m quiet for a minute, and then sigh. “I’m sorry, I’ll be fine. I promise. I’ll just wait for Lucas to get back.”

He nods. “You need a cell phone or anything?”

I shake my head. “I’ll be fine. I doubt I’ll need to call anyone.”

He nods again, and we fall silent. I just sit here in the passenger seat with my knees tucked under my chin. There isn’t anything for either of us to say right now, and so we don’t even bother pretending. I know I’m not in the mood to make small talk, and I doubt he is either.

About a half hour later we arrive at the café. It is open; the high school students have been entrusted with the duty of being here on their own for the day. Nathan parks right in front, and I sit here staring at the building.

“Luke decided to tell you? Or did your parents?” I ask, curious.

“They all did,” he replies, sighing. “Luke said he thought you might, but I guess not.”

“You said you didn’t want to see me, and I figured that meant hearing from me, too. And it was too hard,” I shrug, “I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

“Haley?” he asks quietly, “Are you going to be okay?”

I nod wordlessly. I open the door and step out. He opens his door and jumps out, too, escorting me into the back room of the café past all the prying, confused eyes. I guess it isn’t every day a crying woman in a bridal gown makes her way through a small-town café with a man that isn’t her fiancé.

“I uh, I better go,” he says, shifting awkwardly.

I nod, respecting that he doesn’t want to be near me now. “Thanks for rescuing me,” I tell him, offering a small, small smile.

“Yeah, I’m glad I could be of some help,” he says, smiling a little. “Hey, you know, things will be okay eventually, Haley. You’ll figure things out.”

He waves, and then turns and walks out of my life again. I nod, even though I don’t believe him. After what I’ve done, I doubt anything will ever be okay again.

Chapter 13 - 14

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