The Ones Left Behind

By Brynne

I collapse on the couch when I get home, tired as hell. I didn’t have a particularly hard first day at work, and nothing really came up that was stressful, but I’m exhausted. Maybe it has to do with me being sick all this time.

“Honey, how was your day at work?” Brooke asks, doing her best 50s sitcom wife impersonation.

I manage a laugh at her, and shrug. “It was fine. Not bad, not great, just good, fine, okay, whatever.”

“Good to fine to okay, all in the space of two seconds? That doesn’t sound so….well, good. What’s up?”

“Ugh, it wasn’t anything with work, it’s this flu that I can’t shake, and I’m so tired. Nothing is wrong, it’s just a lot happening at once, if that makes any sense at all.”

“I’m used to you not making sense,” she laughs, and I know she’s probably not joking. I weakly shove at her to get her away from me.

She moves my feet out of the way and sits down. “How was lab?” I ask, always liking when she has some gory, freak out story about scaring the younger vet students who don’t know the ropes yet.

“It was fine,” she says, waving a hand dismissively, “But forget about that. You and I are going to the bathroom.”

“Tigger, we’re at home, that whole pee in pair’s thing doesn’t really fly here,” I tell her tiredly.

“No, no, just come on.” She stands up again, and reaches down to pull me to my feet. “I think I know what’s wrong with you.”

“What?” I ask, confused. I don’t have a clue what she’s talking about, and I’m way too tired to try and wrap my brain around deciphering it.

We go up to her room, where she hands me a paper sack. “Go on, open the damn thing,” she encourages.

I shrug, and pull a box out of the bag. A home pregnancy test. Damn. Damn. I – I don’t even know what to think, I can’t think right now, this is too overwhelming. In all the time I’ve been sick, I hadn’t even remotely considered this as a possibility, but now that I’m holding this test, it seems so obvious, so logical.

“You really think so?” I ask, still shocked at the idea of this. I just don’t know how to react to this news. How would Nathan react? How would Lucas and Karen? What about Deb and Dan? There is so much to consider, and I don’t even really know where to begin.

“Okay, first of all, knock it off.” I glance up at her questioningly. “Stop analyzing it to death. You don’t even know whether you’re even pregnant or not, right?” I nod, jerkily. “Okay, so you don’t know, and I’m thinking it would make sense not to panic until you know.”

I nod again. “Okay, no panic, no obsessing.” She turns me around and shoves me out of her room towards the bathroom. I lock myself in and take the test. I clean up, and head back to my room, where Brooke is waiting on the bed. She glances up in silent question as I place the stick on my desk, awaiting the results. “Five more minutes.”

She nods. “Damn, the waiting sucks, huh?”

I glare at her. “You think?” I ask sarcastically, stressing out. It’s all I can do not engage in any number of nervous habits right now.

“I’m sorry,” she says, suppressing a laugh, “Hey, this might not even be the issue, right? It could still be that long-lasting flu bug we’ve been assuming for awhile now.”

I sit down next to her on the bed. “God, Tigger, this – this seems so logical now. It would explain why I’ve been tired and why I’ve been sick, especially in the morning. God, and I’d have to tell Nathan – what would I tell Nathan? We just got back together, we aren’t ready to be parents together yet,” I sigh, beginning to cry. “What if he hates me because of this? I couldn’t handle that, Tigger!”

“Shh, shh,” she whispers soothingly, wrapping her arms around me, “You don’t even know yet. Three minutes still. Don’t panic.” I nod against her shoulder. “I know it is hard, but you have to think positively for now, and know that no matter what, everything will work out.”

I nod, trying to calm myself down. “But you’re right, this seems so logical. I started feeling sick a week or so after the draft night, and it’s been continual ever since.” I jump up and start pacing the room. “Damn it, this is scary, Tigger!” I cry, letting myself drop to the floor.

She moves to the floor beside me. “It’s going to be okay, Haley, no matter what that stick says. We’re going to figure this thing out, I promise.” We sit here in silence until the timer on my watch dings, startling us both out of our thoughts. “Hey, no matter what,” she says again, “You’ve got me, Lucas, and Tim. And Karen and Keith would do anything for you, and so would Deb and Dan. You’ll be okay.”

I nod, and take a deep breath, and move over to where the stick is. I realize my hand is over my lower belly, as if I were cradling something inside, and I drop it like I was burned. Gathering my courage, I glance down at the stick: Negative. How could it possibly be negative?

“It’s negative,” I choke out, surprised. Since Brooke handed me the pregnancy test, I thought this was the only possibility. I move back to sit on the edge of the bed. “It’s negative.” I’m surprised to hear the tears in my voice.

“Are you okay?” she asks hesitantly, obviously sensing that it wasn’t the news I was expecting, and maybe wasn’t even the news I wanted.

I nod, trying to convince both of us. “Yeah, I mean, it would’ve been really hard to go through that right now, and like I said, Nathan and I just barely got back together. Now isn’t the right time for a child.” Even as I say all of this, I am realizing that I don’t really believe it. Maybe it is just easier knowing it isn’t happening, but we could’ve figured something out, it would’ve been okay.

She’s still sitting on the floor, but she moves over so that she can lie against my legs. “I’m sorry,” she says quietly, and I wonder how she knew. “It’s all over your face,” she explains, before I can even ask, “It might’ve complicated things for you, but I can tell you still kinda wanted it.”

“Why?” I ask, serious, “Why would I want a baby now when I have nothing to offer it? It’s so stupid. And so out of the blue, too!”

“Haven’t you told me that feelings are never stupid?” I shrug. “Hales, it is okay. We both know you love kids, and it is only natural to want one of your own, right?”

I brush a tear off of my cheeks. “Well, I guess its back to being the interminable twenty-four hour flu or something,” I sigh.

She stands up and gives me another hug. “Everything is going to be okay, Hales,” she promises. I kind of miss her calling me Tutor Girl, in a weird way, all of a sudden.

“Yeah,” I nod, standing up, too. I smile tremulously at her. “Okay, I’m going to go fill out my insurance papers for work and stuff.” She nods. “Thanks for everything,” I tell her, my smile a little more genuine and a little less forced this time.

“You’re welcome. Hey, if you need anything, you know where I am. Luke is staying at Karen’s tonight, and Tim called, and he’s going out ‘networking’ with some of the people he works with, and if he gets too drunk, he’s going to crash in Durham.”

“How about I fill out those papers, call and leave Nathan a message, and then I’ll meet you downstairs for ice cream and movies?”

She grins. “Sounds terrific.”

Thank God for friends like these.

~*~

I hate going to see the doctor. Oh, I always have, and probably always will. Especially when you don’t know what’s wrong, it is just an agonizing trip. Luckily my childhood doctor moved away when he retired a few years ago, so this lady is completely new to me.

“So, Haley, you say you’ve been experiencing tiredness, occasional vertigo, and you’ve been throwing up on a regular basis since the end of June, early July?” she asks.

I nod. “That about sums it up.”

“Are you sexually active?” she asks, coming to the same conclusion it took Brooke and I a lot longer to come to.

“Yeah, but I’ve already taken a pregnancy test and it was negative.”

She sighs. “Well, too bad, that would’ve been an easy one to diagnose. But its okay, we’ll figure it out. Now,” she says, handing me a pee cup, “Why don’t you fill this for me, and then we’ll proceed with the examination.”

I do as I’m told and go off to the bathroom, shutting myself in, enjoying having a few minutes of privacy, even if it is so I can pee in a cup.

I come back out, and a nurse takes the sample. I settle back down on the glorified exam table, and wait for the doctor. She comes back in, smiling in that clueless doctor way when they have no idea how little you really want to be there.

“Okay, so I’ve ordered a few tests on that so we can officially rule some things out, and since you came in on a day when our lab technician is working, I’ve put a rush on them, and they should be back within the hour. You’ve been sick long enough that I’d like to rule these things out now.”

I nod, glad for any expediting I’ll get on finding out what’s wrong with me. “Thank you,” I tell her.

“No problem,” she smiles. “Okay, the nurse has recorded your vitals, which look good. Your temperature is a little higher than normal, but nothing to freak out about.” She does her examination and then turns back to me. “So, I’m thinking you have an intestinal parasite. Not life-threatening, but a pain in the ass nonetheless. If the tests come back as that being the case, we’ll get you started on a treatment plan. So, why don’t you redress, and I’ll be back in when the results come back.”

“What if that isn’t the case?” I ask, even as I hop down from the counter. “What if it isn’t an intestinal parasite, what’s the next course of action?”

“Well,” she says slowly, “If that’s not it, I’d want to do an ultrasound to see if there is some kind of mass that may or may not be cancerous. Look, it could be any number of things, but I’m still leaning towards it being an intestinal parasite that is just really hanging on.”

I nod. “Okay, thank you,” I smile. She leaves the room, and I get dressed again, sighing. God, intestinal parasites, how gross does that sound? And of course, another option is that it’s a tumor? Great, scary possibilities to think of while I wait.

I sit down in one of the chairs provided rather than sit back on the exam table. I’ve spent enough time up there for the day, thank you very much. I have half a mind to call Nathan or even Brooke, but since I don’t know when the doctor will come back in, I don’t. I can talk to them once I’m done here.

She comes back in, and I can’t read her face. “Well, I’m glad I ordered that UA to be a complete work up,” she says, breaking into a smile. I look at her questioningly, not comprehending what she’s saying, only that it must not be bad news. “Haley, you’re pregnant!”

I stare at her in shock. “What?” I whisper, not knowing what to say, what to do. “But that test I took, it said I wasn’t.”

She shrugs. “They aren’t always 100%, unfortunately.”

“But it said like 99.9%, so that’s pretty damn close to 100%!” I exclaim, trying to avoid processing this news.

“It does happen, Haley,” she asserts, “It could’ve been a contaminated test, it could’ve been user error – especially if you were shaky when you were taking it – it could’ve been any number of things. In any case, you are pregnant, so I’ll give you a referral to a very nice OB-GYN that I know.”

“Thank you,” I manage to stammer out. “Thank you very much.” I know that I’d felt a little bereft when I’d found out I wasn’t pregnant the first time, but now I don’t know what to feel. I guess a part of me is happy – this is Nathan’s baby – but I’m scared, too. Everything in my life is so up in the air, and I don’t know where this baby is going to fit into things.

She gives me the referral, and I stumble out to my car, unsure what to do, where to go. I have the presence of mind to check my phone, and see that I have five messages from Nathan. He knew I was going to the doctor today, and I’m sure he’s worried. I should call him and Brooke and let them know that I am fine, and what’s going on, but I’m not ready to talk to them yet.

Instead, I get in the car and drive. I end up in front of the café, and although it was sort of a subconscious thing, I quickly realize this is exactly where I need to be – with my surrogate mom.

“Hi Haley,” Karen smiles as I walk through the door. Eric is sitting at the counter coloring, and it reminds me of Luke and I when we were a little older. We spent a lot of time sitting at that counter. “Please don’t tell me you missed your second day of work,” she says, sounding confused.

I shake my head. “No, I was there this morning. The hours are pretty lenient, and I had a doctor’s appointment this afternoon that I had to go to.”

She raises her eyebrows at me. “Is everything okay? Just a check-up, I presume.” Eric hasn’t noticed me yet, he’s so engrossed in his coloring, so Karen points me out to him and he runs at me, launching himself to me.

“Hi baby,” I grin, kissing his cheek noisily. I set him back down, and he climbs back up on his stool to resume coloring. “Anyways,” I say, turning back to Karen, “It was basically a check-up. I’ve been sick for awhile, some sort of stomach flu, and everyone was tired of me whining about it, so I saw the doctor.”

“I hope it isn’t anything serious,” she says, twisting the rag in her hands nervously. “I really don’t know what I’d do,” she sighs, waiting for me to fill her in.

I sit down on the stool next to Eric. “Karen, I’m pregnant,” I whisper in a rush, needing to get it out to someone.

“Oh, honey,” she sighs, walking around the counter to hug me. It feels so good and comforting to have her arms around me that I can almost make myself believe that things will be okay, no matter how everyone else – Nathan in particular – react to this news.

“I took a home test yesterday,” I babble, not ready to talk about how I’m feeling about being pregnant, “Because Brooke thought maybe that was it. And you know, the second she handed me the box, it made so much sense. It really did. I’d been sick since late June, which would put it at the night of the draft, and I’ve been tired, dizzy, and sick. It just made so much sense that I wondered how I couldn’t have thought of it, you know?”

“Oh, honey, so you’ve known since yesterday and you’re just now telling me?” she sighs, concerned.

I shake my head. “The test was negative. The doctor assumes it was either contaminated or I made some kind of error, which is possible, I was pretty out of it and overwhelmed by the whole thing. I might not have been as meticulous as usual.”

“How are you doing now? This must’ve been one hell of a twenty-four hour period for you, I’m guessing.”

I nod. “It’s been hard. I hadn’t thought about being pregnant at all until I looked at the box yesterday, and then while we waited for the results, all I could do was freak out about how Nathan would react, and how it was too soon, and how we weren’t ready for kids. But it said negative, and I was sad.”

“Well, so you’re happy about this?”

I shrug. “I don’t know, a part of me, yeah. It’s Nathan’s baby, Karen, and I’ve always pictured myself with little mini-Nathans.” She laughs. “But we just got back together less than a month ago, and we haven’t made any plans beyond me flying up to see him when he’s on the east coast for a weekend game. Not exactly the hallmark of two people who should be having a child together, right?”

She grins. “Well, sometimes the unplanned ones turn out the best. Look at both Nathan and Luke,” she points out, “And somehow, I’m guessing you weren’t planned either.”

“Definitely not,” I agree, laughing.

“Hawey’s having a baby?” Eric asks, suddenly interested in me, “But I’m your baby.”

“Aw,” I smile at Karen as I turn back towards him, “I know you’re my baby, baby. You always will be, too.” I lift him onto my lap. “But I’m going to have a baby that will live with me. You’ll kind of be it’s big brother, okay?”

He shrugs, going back to coloring again. Karen looks at me. “How does he know what pregnant means?” she whispers.

“TV,” he announces, and Karen rolls her eyes, “Lucas’s TV show.”

“Uh huh,” Karen nods, “And what TV show is this, young man?”

“Um, I don’t know. But one man is mawwying his sister who isn’t his sister anymore,” he says, proud of himself for remembering, “And she’s the one having the baby!”

I can’t help it – I laugh. “Luke is watching soap operas with him! Brooke and I got hooked on that show a couple of summers ago since it was on during lunch,” I explain to Karen.

She glances at Eric. “Well, I think we’re going to have to have a little talk with your brother,” she sighs. She looks back at me. “Marrying his sister? Really?”

“Well, they aren’t actually related,” I laugh, “They just grew up thinking that, but they went to different boarding schools, so they didn’t really know each other.”

“Oh,” she says, looking confused, “Okay.” It’s so nice to have this silly little conversation to distract me from the seriousness of this new situation I’m in. “So,” she says, shaking herself away from thoughts of Luke’s influence on Eric, “What are you going to do?”

“Keep it, of course,” I answer automatically.

She laughs a little. “I knew that, Haley.” She hugs me again. “Honestly, there was never any doubt in my mind from the second that you told me. I mean what are you going to do in terms of your life? This is a huge responsibility you’ll have now.”

I nod, because I really do know that. This is going to change practically every single aspect of my life in ways I can only imagine. Even relationships I have now will change because of this, and I have to find a way to deal with it.

“I know, it’s going to be hard,” I sigh, “And I don’t even know how everyone will react. I mean, how do I tell Nathan? God, Karen, you know, he and I have only been back together for a little less than a month. This is so much, and so soon.”

She nods. “Well, you’ll figure it out. You’ll have to. When are you going to tell everyone?”

“I don’t know, obviously I have to tell Nathan first, but I want to do that in person, and I don’t know if I’ll see him before Thanksgiving. That’s a month and a half away. I’d be five months along then, and I can’t wait that long to tell him.”

“When are you due?” she asks, smiling. I think she’s secretly excited about this, but doesn’t want to let on because she’s not entirely sure how I feel yet.

I shrug, smiling back at her. “I don’t know yet. I have to call and set up an appointment with this OB-GYN I was referred to, and I guess I’ll find out then. I don’t know much about how this works. I only know the before and after.”

She laughs. “Well, I think you’ll enjoy the during, too.”

The café door opens, and Karen and I both smile happily to see that it is just Deb and not a customer.

“Hi Deb,” I smile, giving her a hug. Nathan called and told her that he and I were on again, and he said he hadn’t heard her that pleased with him in a long time.

She hugs me back, and smiles at Karen. “It’s good to see both of you, and you,” she says, to Eric, ruffling his hair, “It’s good to see you, too, little man.”

He turns and smiles at her, and does it: “Haley’s having a baby, but I’ll still be her baby, too. But this baby will live with her.”

My mouth drops open and I feel Deb’s gaze swivel to me. I glance at Karen who just shrugs as if to say ‘he’s four, what can I do?’

“It’s true?” Deb asks me, and I reluctantly drag my gaze back to her. “Are you pregnant? With Nathan’s baby?”

I nod, kind of disappointed that I haven’t told Nathan yet, and knowing I’ve painted myself into a corner in terms of when I’ll need to tell him. “I am, I just found out today.”

She has tears in her eyes, and I suspect she’s happy with this news. “Does Nathan know yet?” she sniffles out. Karen picks Eric up and takes him in the back since there are no customers here currently. She squeezes Deb’s hand as she walks by.

I shake my head. “No, I didn’t even know it was a possibility until yesterday, and the test I took said negative. The doctor ran another one today, though, and it was positive.”

“I’m going to be a grandmother,” she sniffles again, brushing tears off her cheeks. “Oh, my, my son, my baby is going to have a baby himself.” She laughs a little at this.

“Is this okay? I mean, you don’t completely hate the idea of this?” I ask, a little worried still, even though she seems excited by the possibility. Or certainty, I guess.

“Oh, honey, you know we’ll love any grandchild, even if it does seem a little unplanned. It was unplanned, right?”

I laugh. “Oh, yeah.” I blush a little over talking about this with my boyfriend’s mom, but I’ve known Deb long enough that it isn’t too awkward. “I, um, I don’t know for sure yet, but I am assuming I got pregnant the night of the draft.”

She blinks in surprise. “Well, so you’re almost three months along then.” I nod. “Have you been feeling ill lately?”

“All along,” I sigh, “And that’s why it is so stupid that I didn’t even have a clue as to it being this until yesterday when Brooke bought me the test.”

“How are you with all of this?” she asks carefully, “This must’ve been quite a shock, obviously unplanned, right?”

I nod. “Yeah, unplanned, but not unwelcome, I guess. It’ll take some getting used to, and I have a lot to figure out, and Nathan will have a lot to figure out, I’m sure, but it will work. It has to,” I say simply.

“I know you can both do this. When are you going to tell him?” she asks, and I’m surprised she waited this long to ask that question. I’m sure it’s been burning since she first heard the news.

“As soon as possible, but I don’t want it to be over the phone. I’m just – I’m going to have to think things through, and maybe – maybe I don’t need this job. Maybe I’ll need to quit now, and then I can fly to Seattle and tell him in person.”

She looks at me intently. “You should think long and hard on that; quitting your job, I mean. You wouldn’t want to do something that you’ll regret later, or even resent, maybe.”

I nod, knowing she’s right. “I know, and I’ll think about it, very seriously. Now, for now would you keep this quiet? I want to tell Nathan before anyone else finds out, and I think he might like to tell Dan himself.”

She nods. “Of course, sweetie. He’ll want to tell everyone himself, I’m sure.” She gives me another hug. “You know, you will be an excellent mother.”

I blush, I know I do. “Thanks, Deb.”

“You’re welcome, and if you need anything, you should pick up the phone or stop by to see me, I mean it. You’re always welcome, and I’ll always help you in any way I can.”

“Thanks so much,” I tell her, reaching out for another hug. I’m feeling surprisingly better after talking to her and Karen, and knowing for sure that I have their unqualified support. It’s always good to know you have someone – or two someone’s – in your corner.

“You’re welcome. Now, do me one favor – tell Nathan soon so I can start shopping for baby items,” she smiles, “And do yourself the favor of telling him before Eric tells the whole town. That child is getting very good at repeating what he hears.”

I laugh with her. “I will, maybe this weekend I can fly out to wherever he’ll be and tell him then. He needs to know now,” I agree.

“Okay, well, you look tired, sweetie, so I’m going to stop harassing you. I was just stopping by to show Karen some data I’ve compiled on opening a second café here in Tree Hill. Amazing that this town has grown enough that it might be warranted to open a second café,” she mutters with a shake of her head. “I love you, honey, you take care of yourself and that baby.” I smile at her as she walks to the back. Eric comes running out and stands in front me.

“What’s up, buttercup?” I ask him.

“I’m sorry, Hawey,” he sighs, his eyes downcast, “Mommy says I shouldn’t have said what you said cuz it’s not nice. So sorry.”

I kneel down in front of him. “It’s okay, kiddo, I don’t mind.” I give him a hug and kiss, and move behind the counter to fix him a glass of hot cocoa.

Deb and Karen come out. “You know, Haley,” Karen says, “If you decide you want to stay closer to home, you could always manage the new café. Deb and I looked over everything, and we’ve decided it will be worth the risk to go for it.”

I look up, surprised. Don’t know why I am, but there it is, I am. “Wow, thanks you two. I’ll have to think about that. I really appreciate the offer.” I hug them both again. “You know, I’d better get home. I’m tired, and I haven’t eaten since breakfast – and I threw that up – but I’ve got to start taking better care of myself.”

“Yes, you do,” they say in unison, immediately. I smile at their fervor, kiss Eric on the forehead, and wave as I walk out of the café.

I know that I’m going to have to tell Brooke tonight. It’s either that or lie to her, and I know I can’t do the second. But there is no way she’ll let me get away without mentioning what happened at the doctor’s office today. I drive home, kind of hoping that neither Tim nor Luke will be there, but knowing both probably will. It would just be easier to do this with neither of them around, like last night.

“Lucy, I’m home!” I jokingly yell as I walk through the front door. My spirits have definitely been buoyed by the encounters with Karen and Deb this afternoon, and knowing what is causing me to be sick is also a weight off of my chest, as well.

Brooke comes running down the stairs. “Hey, saw your car, what happened at the doctor? You’re going to be okay, right?” It is only now that I notice the look of fear that is present on her face, and the nervous way she’s gnawing on her bottom lip. It’s only now that I realize that she has been truly scared and worried for me, and it breaks something in me to know that.

“Oh, Tigger, I’m just fine,” I tell her, opening my arms. Things have changed between Brooke and me since she married Lucas. Not in a bad way; they’re just different. But I think that’s hurt both of us, especially Brooke. “Let’s go upstairs,” I suggest, “I’ll tell you what’s going on without the guys around.”

“Oh, they went over to Rivercourt to hang out,” she says, waving a hand dismissively. A little of the worry has left her face at my proclamation of being fine, but she still looks nervous.

“Well, let’s go in the kitchen. I need all the food I can get now that I’m eating for two,” I drop casually, and she walks beside me for a few steps before stopping short.

“Shut up!” she exclaims, “You’re pregnant! But that test yesterday…”

“I know!” I laugh, “It said I wasn’t, but the doctor ordered a complete work up on my urine sample, and apparently they always check for pregnancy in females, even if only so they know when prescribing medication.”

“Wow,” she sighs, smiling, “I’m so happy for you!” She sits me down. “I’ll make us some pasta or something. You can still eat pasta, right?”

I laugh. “Tigger, I think the only thing I can’t do is drink alcohol now. I don’t think pasta is on some weird off-limits list.”

“Okay, good,” she grins, “Um, oh, you need to drink milk. Yeah, lots of milk, it’s good for you and the baby. Oh, and I can’t just feed you pasta, I need to cook some chicken, too, so you get some protein. Oh, and you should be eating fish – I think they have folic acid, which is like really good for babies.”

“Brooke, settle down. I think it’ll be fine if I just eat some pasta and maybe a little salad tonight. One more night isn’t going to make or break things. Tomorrow, I’ll get a baby book, and we can look through it and see what I should be eating.”

Her face lights up. “That reminds me!” She grabs her school bag, which is sitting on the chair next to mine, and pulls out another brown paper sack.

“I hope that’s not another pregnancy test,” I joke, “I’m sick of peeing for accuracy, okay?”

She laughs. “No, no, just open it up!” I take the sack, and pull out a copy of “What To Expect When You’re Expecting”. I glance up at her in surprise and delight. “Well, I got it yesterday when I got the test. I figured if you were pregnant, it would be your first gift. Since you weren’t, I was going to take it back. I’m glad I didn’t,” she laughs.

“Me, too,” I agree, wiping my eyes, “This is really sweet, Tigger, I love it. I’m going to put it in my briefcase so that the guys don’t see it.” She looks at me questioningly. “I can’t tell them until I tell Nathan. It’s bad enough that I’ve told Karen and Eric, who in turn told Deb. I’m sure Nathan would’ve enjoyed telling his mom himself, but Eric is at this age where he’s apparently repeating everything people say. By the way, did you know that your husband has started watching our favorite daytime soap?”

She rolls her eyes. “I think he’s watched it longer than we have, actually. But don’t worry, I won’t say anything until you’re ready for people to know. When are you going to tell Nathan?”

“Hopefully this weekend. I need to figure out where he’s going to be, and meet him there. I have to tell him in person, you know?”

She nods. “Okay, good.  The sooner you tell him, the sooner I can start buying baby stuff! Oh, my gosh, Hales, the store where I got this book is amazing. They have the most beautiful things. Oh, are you having a girl or a boy? I kind of hope it’s a girl, don’t you? I don’t know if I can deal with the presence of another Scott male in my life,” she laughs, “Oh, and when are you due? Have they done an amniocentesis? Have you heard the heartbeat?”

Her questions are more than a little overwhelming. “I haven’t even seen my OB-GYN yet,” I tell her, “So I won’t know any of those things until I do. Hell, I don’t even actually have an OB-GYN yet, just a referral. Deb said the same thing, about telling Nathan so she could shop, I mean.”

“Oh, me and her will so have to have a shower for you,” Brooke grins, and judging by the glazed over look to her eyes, she’s already started planning.

“Well, let’s start with dinner tonight. I am actually really hungry for a change, so I might as well take advantage of this whole eating for two thing, right?”

She laughs. “Hell, yeah, and I might even do some sympathy eating for two while we’re all at it.”

I stand up, walking to the refrigerator. “Well, we have some chicken, some mushrooms, some broccoli, some cream, and some parmesan cheese, so why don’t I make chicken fettuccine for us tonight?” I suggest.

“Why don’t you show me how so that next time I can be the one to make it,” she suggests. Her cooking really is limited to boiling pasta and using the microwave.

“If you want to learn, I’m more than happy to teach you,” I smile. The boys come in awhile later, joking around about who had the better game. Brooke and I have gotten dinner almost finished, as just the bread is warming and the noodles are cooking.

“Hey, look at this,” Luke grins, “Hales cooked!”

I shake my head. “Brooke did most of it, I just directed traffic. And showed her how to use the knife so she wouldn’t slice her finger off,” I laugh.

Tim high-fives Brooke and Luke gives her a kiss. “About time you learned to cook,” he teases her. “It smells great.”

“Well, good, if you’re nice, I might give you some,” she quips.

“I’m ready to do some serious ass-kissing if necessary,” Tim says with a grin, “Because I worked up an appetite out there, and I need some nourishment now.”

I shake my head. “You know, this is the first time in about a month that we’ve all been here together at the same time. How cool is that?”

“It has been a long time,” Luke grins, slinging an arm over my shoulder, “Some days I only see you at breakfast as you run through here like a whirlwind.”

“Some of us have jobs and lives, hot shot,” I tease, poking him in the side. “We know how to take responsibility for ourselves.”

“Oh, speaking of responsibility,” Brooke chimes in as she drains the pasta, “Guess who got offered the option of buying Doc Smith’s vet practice when he retires in the spring?”

“No way! Brooke, congratulates!” I squeal, hugging Luke in excitement, “I’m so proud of you! And you thought he didn’t realize how awesome you were those summers you interned for him!”

“I know, I’m excited. He’s retiring, so instead of starting my own place, I can buy his and have his customers, instead of having to compete with him and buy brand new equipment. This is awesome. I just have to hit mommy and daddy up for a loan, which should be no problem.”

“Good job, bunny,” Luke grins, using one of his many, many pet names for her. Tim and I roll our eyes at each other as they kiss, the pasta forgotten in the sink.

“Okay, let’s eat!” I cry, as Luke begins to back her up against the cupboard, “You two can have a personal celebration elsewhere, in a room that I’m not in, thanks.”

Luke blushes and Brooke grins as they pull apart. Brooke grabs plates down, and we all go to work filling them. True to what I told Brooke earlier, I’m starving, and subsequently eat for two, which earns plenty of teasing from both Luke and Tim. But I’m in a good enough mood that it just rolls right over me, and I just smile good-naturedly.

It’s a good night, and we hang out together for awhile until I beg off, citing tiredness. It’s true, I am tired, but my main object is to go up to my room, and find a flight on the internet. Nathan will be in Indianapolis for a game on Saturday, so that’s where I’m going to try and meet him.

I purchase the tickets, and then pick up the phone and dial his number. “Hey sexy, I was just thinking of you,” he says into the phone.

“And what were you thinking exactly?” I tease.

“How much I was missing you, actually. How are you feeling? Oh, how was the doctor’s appointment?” I knew he’d ask, so at least I have an answer planned.

“It was fine, and I’m fine. In fact, I’m so fine, that I get to come see you this weekend in Indianapolis,” I grin to myself.

“Wait, hold up. Slow down. You’re so fine that you are coming to see me? Why does it seem like there’s more to the story?” he wonders.

“Because there is,” I admit, “But it isn’t anything bad, Nathan, I promise. I just want to see you.”

“You sure things are fine?” he asks, sounding concerned still, “Because if you’re coming here to tell me face to face that you have some scary, long-named disease, that’s not fine. You know that, right?”

“Nathan, I don’t have any diseases. I’m fine. I need to see you.”

His relief is practically palpable, even through the phone, as he lets out the breath he’s been holding in. “Okay, well, I need to see you, too. Always do, you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” I smile.

“So, you’re really okay?” he asks again, his breathing returning to normal, “Because you know I couldn’t stand it if you weren’t.”

“I’m really okay. Really, really.” He laughs. “Mm, I can’t wait to see you again. It feels like forever.”

“I know,” he sighs, “I miss you, too. Only three days, though, assuming you’ll be there Saturday?”

“Yeah, I’ll get there in the afternoon. I know we won’t have a whole lot of time together since you’ll be busy with the game, but I wanted to see you.”

“I’ll take whatever time I can get,” he reasons. “Baby, I’ve got to go, we have a late practice tonight, and the traffic here is so bad it sometimes takes me a half hour to get fifteen blocks. That’s like, two miles or so.”

“Okay,” I laugh, “You have a good practice. Have a good game tomorrow, too. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

We hang up, and I’m suddenly excited to tell him. Still terrified, sure, but I’m also excited. Maybe he’ll surprise me and be really happy, or maybe he’ll be really excited. I don’t know exactly what he’ll be, but he couldn’t be upset, right?

Chapter Nineteen – Living on a Prayer

‘Oh, oh,

We're halfway there,

Oh, oh,

Livin' on a prayer,

Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear,

Oh, oh,

Livin' on a prayer’ – Bon Jovi

~*~Late September, 2010~*~

“Even though we ain’t got money, I’m so in love with you honey,” I sing along with my iPod as I wait for Nathan in his hotel room. Normally, he’d be doubling up with one of the other guys on the team, but he opted to get his own room since I’ll be in town tonight, which I admittedly appreciate, especially since I have something beyond major to tell him.

I’m so nervous about this it isn’t even funny. I turn the iPod off, and set it down on my suitcase, and change into a teeny tiny tank top and strip down to my panties. I’ve never been into the frilly lingerie stuff, and in the morning, I’d rather wake up in these or one of Nathan’s shirts.

The hotel room is nice; it gives me a beautiful setting for this revelation to occur in, at least. I’ve ordered a special, theme dinner that I’m hoping will at least give him a clue as to what my news is, but I’m not holding my breath. Guys never seem to pick up on hints like this one.

Everything is set up – Nathan should be getting here any minute now, and I’ve got everything in order. Of course, that doesn’t stop me from nervously fiddling with everything as I walk around the room. I don’t know what I think to accomplish by it, but at least it keeps me busy.

Nathan met me at the airport this afternoon. I’d been sick on the plane, a combination of early afternoon morning sickness and the turbulence on the plane. Nathan took one look at me and freaked out, demanding to know what was wrong with me. I managed to placate him, explaining the turbulence, and he gave in and stopped harassing me, but still looked nervous, as if he’s convinced I have some other funky disease.

He didn’t want to go to his game – he had wanted to stay and play nurse for me, but I convinced him I was fine, and managed to get him out the door. It isn’t that his concern isn’t appreciated, but between Brooke, Karen, and Deb, I’ve barely been able to sneeze without someone fawning and fussing over me. The attention was nice the first day, but quickly wore thin. Plus, it was so obvious that both Tim and Luke were starting to ask questions.

I can hear him swiping his card, and sure enough the door opens. “Hey gorgeous,” I smile, getting up to greet him. I walk over, and as soon as he has the door shut behind him, my arms are around his neck, and I’ve pressed him up against the wall, kissing him.

“Hey,” he gasps out when I pull away to kiss his neck and loosen the tie of his suit that he wore to the post-game conference, “That’s a greeting I could get used to.”

“Mm,” I practically purr, “Me, too.” God, these pregnancy hormones are really something, aren’t they? “I’ve missed you,” I sigh, holding him tighter.

“I’ve missed you, too, Haley J. You okay?” he asks, concerned, even as he runs his hand down my bare thigh. “You feel okay,” he teases.

I laugh. “I should hope so!”

I pull his tie over his head, and go to work unbuttoning his shirt so that I can slide it off with his jacket. “You’ve really missed me, haven’t you?” he jokes, as he slides his hands up under my tank top.

“You know I have,” I breathe, kissing his chest. I don’t know why I can’t just tell him first, but for some reason, I can’t.

“Haley?” he asks, pulling away. I groan at the loss of his hands and mouth on my skin. I glance up at him. “Baby, let’s save that for dessert,” he says as he eyes the covered platters of food.

I sigh. “Okay, dessert it is. God, I feel like an ass, of course you’re hungry.” He laughs. “Okay, sit down,” I tell him, indicating his chair. I’m still feeling sick, so I doubt I’ll eat much, and therefore set the food closer to his chair. He complies, and I take the lids off the food.

“Looks good,” he smiles, pulling me onto his lap so he can kiss me.

“Feels good,” I reply, moving to straddle him. He laughs and sets me off his lap. “Look what you started,” I complain, “And then end!”

“Someone needs to be a little more patient,” he kids.

“Hey, I can be patient, but I’ve really missed you lately, and I don’t know if I want to be patient right now,” I laugh, letting a little petulance seep into my voice that is mostly filled with yearning.

I sit back down in my seat as he grins at me. “Yeah, well, good things come to those who wait,” he promises, his voice husky and sexy. He glances at the food in front of him. “What’s with the food?” I should’ve known he wouldn’t have gotten it. Plus, maybe this is not the way to tell someone whose views on fatherhood aren't even known that he’ll be a father in six months.

“There’s kind of, um, a hidden message behind it,” I tell him, unsure if this was even a remotely good idea all of a sudden.

He looks at me questioningly. “A message? In food?” Damn, I’ve really confused him. “Haley, are you sure you’re feeling okay?”

I laugh – I can’t help it, I have to laugh at that question. “Nathan, I meant I’m trying to tell you something with what I ordered, not the food is talking to me,” I laugh harder at his expression.

“Okay, so I’m supposed to get some message from you out of the food selection?” he asks, still obviously thinking I’m crazy or delusional or both.

“Yeah, exactly. Okay, it’s stupid,” I admit, “And not nearly as cutesy as I thought it would be, so we can just forget it.”

“No way,” he laughs, shaking his head, “I want to do this. You’ve got me intrigued, Haley J, and now I feel like I have to solve the mystery.”

“God,” I groan, my head falling into my hands. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think this was a good idea.

“Hey, come on, I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me yet, but it’s a cute idea,” he asserts, and I almost feel marginally better. Almost.

I laugh, “Well, hopefully you’re still thinking that when you realize what I’m trying to tell you.” God, I hope he’s still smiling then.

“I’m sure I will be,” he smiles, glancing down at the food. “Okay, so what do we have here? It looks like baby corn – I know that one. Um, those look like baby shrimp, and that’s veal. Which is – veal is – “ He looks up at me sharply. “You’re trying to say I’m your baby, right?” I don’t say anything. “Right? You aren’t trying to say the other thing I think you’re trying to say, are you?”

I look downward, unsure now of what to do, what to say. He doesn’t seem thrilled with the possibility, and I don’t know how to work with that.

“Nathan,” I begin, but he’s shaking his head, standing up.

“God, Haley, we used protection every goddamn time! How the hell could this have happened? Damn it, we can’t have a kid now!”

This is everything I didn’t want to hear, and more. I don’t even know how to respond to this, so I sit here quietly, just staring at my hands, willing myself not to cry. I don’t know why, but I just sense my tears won’t help anything.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?” he pleads, “Come on, Haley, say it’s a joke! It’s a joke right, just a joke? If you tell me now, I’ll still laugh.”

I shake my head and let the tears spill over. Right now, I don’t care about making him feel bad with my tears, like I know they will. I don’t care if we just got back together and things are still tenuous. I don’t care. He should at least quit begging me to say it’s a joke, and start working on acceptance.

“It’s a baby, not a bomb,” I bite out, pissed and hurt and a whole myriad of other things that I can’t even pinpoint right now.

He shakes his head. “It might as well be a bomb.” I just gape at him, unwilling to believe he’d be this insensitive. I wipe my tears off.

“I can’t believe you,” I hiss, “You’re acting like your life is over! You’re acting like you are going to have to quit your dream job so that you can have a job where you can watch the baby all day! You are acting like you’ll be the one who gets fat and ugly and undesirable! You’re acting like you’re the one who will spend God knows how many hours in labor trying to squeeze out a watermelon! And you’re not the one who has spent the last three months worth of mornings puking in bathrooms, on the side of the road, in garbage cans!”

“Haley,” he sighs, looking chagrined, “Come on, don’t be like that! I didn’t say anything that bad, come on.”

“Don’t be like what, Nathan? Disappointed that you can’t at least pretend to be sympathetic? Sad that you can’t even summon up a twinge of happiness? Frustrated that you act like your life is really going to change so much? Angry that you treat me like I asked you to change something? What do you want me to do?”

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, contrite. He stands up and moves over to me, kneeling by my chair. “Come on, baby, you just shocked me. You’ve had God knows how long to process this, and you drop it on me now like it’s nothing. And on top of that, you want me to jump up and do a happy dance!”

I stand up, moving away from him. I’d all but forgotten I am only wearing the tank top and panties, but I really don’t give a rat’s ass right now.

“You know what, Nathan? I’ve had four days to process this. Four. You would’ve had four, too, if I hadn’t felt it would be completely assy to tell you over the phone. So I waited, and I paid the outrageous last minute fees so I could fly up here and tell you in person! Now, did I expect you to jump around and be thrilled? No, because I know how you feel – this is a shock, and it is damn soon, and hey, it’s even inconvenient. But it’s a reality, Nathan, and it doesn’t go away because it makes you nervous, or uncomfortable, and damn it, I could’ve used just a tiny bit of support from you!”

He follows me and grabs my arm, dragging me over to the bed. “Sit,” he orders, and I do, but don’t stop glaring at him. “I’m sorry I didn’t react how you wanted.” I start to interrupt, but he holds a hand up, and I let him go on. “I’m sorry. I just – Haley, we are barely back together. Less than a month now, and you’re telling me you’re pregnant. I don’t know what to do with that!”

“I’m sorry, too. Maybe I shouldn’t have sprung it on you. Maybe I should’ve sent an email, I don’t know, Nathan! What do you want me to say?” It hurts that he still hasn’t asked any of the pertinent questions. “God, do you still want me to say it’s a joke?”

He shakes his head. “No, no, I’m sorry about that. I really am. It’s just that I had no idea, Haley. I mean, as far as I knew, we’d used a condom every damn time, and it wasn’t even a possibility! How am I supposed to react?”

I shrug. “I don’t know, but I know this isn’t it.” I stand up and walk to the other side of the bed, throwing the covers back and getting in. I know I’ll end up crying myself to sleep now, but it beats the alternative of staying up and crying in front of him. The bed shifts under his weight, and my emotions erupt in tears – sobbing, loud tears – when he puts his arms around me, fitting his body against mine.

He brushes the hair that has fallen onto my face away, and kisses me on the cheek. “I’m sorry I upset you, baby, I really am.” I nod, indicating I heard him. “Come on, roll over and talk to me.” I shake my head this time, not ready to face him. “Baby, please, we have to talk about this, Haley, we do.”

I roll over, giving in. He blanches when he sees the tears on my face. “I don’t want to do this right now, Nathan. I don’t want to fight with you anymore, not about this.”

“No more fighting,” he promises, “But we still need to talk. Like adults, okay? We can do that, can’t we?”

I sigh, giving in again, this time against my better judgment. “Fine, we can talk. What would you like to talk about?” I ask stiffly.

He sighs, and I know I’m frustrating him, but I couldn’t give a shit right now. “I want to know what your plans are.”

I look hard at him, narrowing my eyes. “I plan on quitting my job, and taking the position of managing the new café your mom and Karen are opening.”

“They know?” he asks, sighing. He looks angry that they know, but I don’t care. I don’t care how angry he gets about any of this – it takes two to tango, and he was a more than willing participant.

“Yeah, Nathan, they know, and they didn’t act like complete dickheads about it. In fact, they happened to realize that I was visibly scared and unsure, and they comforted and supported me. More than you can say,” I spit out bitterly.

He lifts a hand up and lays it on my cheek. “I’m sorry, Haley, come on, temporary insanity. I was shocked, I didn’t know how to react.”

“Yeah, well you did a stellar job. Really great, I appreciate it a lot,” I mutter sarcastically. He rubs his fingers over my cheek, hypnotizing my anger out of me. “Nathan, please, not now. I’m tired, and I need to sleep.”

“This is why you’ve been so sick and tired?” he asks, leaning over to kiss where his fingers had been tracing. I nod. “I’m sorry I contributed to you being sick,” he says sincerely.

“Oh, Nathan,” I cry, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. You think I expected to be pregnant right out of college when I just got my first big job? Come on, or when my boyfriend lives clear across the country in a city I’ve never even been to before? Yeah, this is just my first choice of how things would be when I had a child.”

“So you don’t want it either?” he asks, still tracing a pattern on my cheek.

I gasp, jerking away from him. “I didn’t say that,” I yell, my voice steely, “And I never even thought it! Sure, I have thought about how hard things will be – don’t get me wrong, I’m a realist. But I never thought or said I didn’t want this baby!”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he says, following me to the edge of the bed where I’m sitting, “I just meant that you were as surprised as I was.”

“That wasn’t what you said,” I point out with a calm belying my actual temperament. I’m so upset right now I could throw him out the window.

“I know it wasn’t,” he says quietly from beside me, “But I didn’t mean it, not how I said it. Just – just know that. I wasn’t trying to insinuate that – “

“That what? I should have an abortion? Because I’m not going to, Nate! I’m not. I know it wasn’t planned, and it’s obvious you don’t want it, but I’m not having an abortion!”

He holds his hands up. “I didn’t say I wanted that, Haley,” he points out, “So come on. This is hard on both of us, you have to remember that.”

“I know it is. I do. But you say shit like that, and it hurts, Nathan. It does, that hurts. I know you didn’t want this now, and I know you certainly weren’t expecting or planning this, but it’s here, and you have to deal with it.”

“Yeah, I know.” He hesitantly lays a hand on my leg. “When – I mean, which time was it?” he asks, finally moving to a topic that might indicate he is at least trying to be supportive here.

“Draft night,” I answer, “One of those times.”

“Good night,” he says, smiling. I nod; it was a good night. That night gave me courage to finally tell him how I felt, how I’d always felt, even when I wouldn’t acknowledge it to myself. “How come everything is always so hard for us?” he wonders.

I shrug. “Maybe we make it hard,” I suggest, figuring that’s probably not too far from the truth.

“Yeah, probably. Look, I’m really sorry about how I reacted to everything. That was pretty crappy of me, and I understand why you’re pissed.”

“I’m not pissed, Nathan,” I begin, trying to make him get it, “I’m just hurt that you can’t even get past the changes this is going to cause. I wish you would’ve taken it better, but hey, you’re entitled to your reactions.”

He shrugs. “Maybe, but still, I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. Totally uncalled for, and I feel like a complete moron for saying that junk I said. I am sorry, Haley J. I didn’t mean to hurt you with what I said.”

I don’t doubt that – he probably is sorry. But it doesn’t change anything, and if he feels this strongly about it, them maybe he doesn’t want to be a part of this child’s life, and therefore my life anymore.

“I know you are. But God, Nathan, if you don’t want anything to do with this child, then I – I don’t know what to do.”

“I didn’t say that, Haley. God, I’m going to be here for you, and support you through all of this. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’ll be here for you, and I won’t make you feel like I am upset about this. Surprised, yeah, but not upset, okay?”

I want to believe him, I really do, but after his reaction, it is so hard to do so. “Nathan, I don’t know. It’s just, you so obviously aren’t happy with this, and I don’t want to pressure you into being something, doing something you don’t want!”

“What, being a father? Come on,” he scoffs, “You know I’ve wanted to be a dad. I mean, I like kids! I just wasn’t expecting us to have kids yet.”

And he says the one thing that has the power to melt my resolve, make me forget I’m mad at him. He has thought about us having kids – how can my heart not melt at that?

”God, Nathan, don’t make this – don’t make me like you again,” I mutter, half choking and half laughing as I say it, “This isn’t funny.”

He smiles. “No, it’s not, but it’s okay. And hey, we love each other, Haley, if we could find our way back after everything that’s happened over four years, we can figure this out. We’ll be okay, I believe that.”

He pulls me to him, and I nod against his chest. “Just when things seemed to be calming down and getting on track, something else happen to send things spinning off their orbit,” I sigh.

“Hey, we’re older now, wiser. We can deal with this, Haley. I’m so sorry for how I acted when you told me. I mean it. You have to know that.”

I wrap my arms around him. “I know. And you don’t have to be thrilled about it. Maybe I just was able to be more excited because I got a false negative when I took the home test, and I realized I was a little sad by that.”

“You took a home test?” he questions, running a hand through his hair, “God, I don’t know anything about what happened. Tell me now.”

We lay back on the bed together. “Brooke bought me a home test on Monday. I hadn’t even thought about this being a possibility before then. But God, when I saw that box, it all hit home. That’s why I was sick, usually mainly in the mornings, that’s why I was so tired all the time, that’s why I was gaining a little weight, even though I threw up all the time. It just crystallized.”

“Were you happy when you realized that it was a strong possibility?”

I laugh. “No, I was terrified, Nathan. All I could think was that we’d just gotten back together, and everything is still so unsure. I mean, yeah, I love you more than anything, and I know you love me, but nothing is solidified, you know?” He nods against my shoulder. “I was just scared that things would be messed up.”

“You said it came back negative the first time?” he asks. He’s running his hand up and down my side, which is comforting and soothing, but also a little distracting.

“Yeah, it did. And I was a little sad. I didn’t know why – it should’ve been a relief, right? But not only did that mean something else was still wrong with me, but I guess a part of me was sad I wasn’t having your child.”

“Aw, sweetie,” he sighs, wrapping his arms tighter around me. I don’t know, maybe hearing how I found out is making it easier for him to understand why I’m not upset about this. “Did you find out at your doctor’s appointment the next day?”

“Yeah, the doctor ordered the full work up on my urine analysis, and I guess they automatically check for pregnancy for each female they work up, just in case. So, they found it, and the doctor said it was probably user error or a contaminated test that gave me the negative.”

“How’d Mom find out?” he asks, his hand now idly stroking my stomach. I gather it is an unconscious thing, but it is sweet nonetheless and it gives me hope that sooner than later, he’ll accept and love that I’m having his baby.

“Well, I went to the café – I had to tell Karen. I knew she’d get that I was scared, but happy at the same time. And I wanted to tell you first, I really did, but I wanted to tell you in person, too.” He nods, kissing my shoulder. His hand is still tracing lazy circles under my tank top. “Eric was in the room, and when your mom came in, he told her my news. He’s started repeating everything that is said in front of him.”

Nathan chuckles. “God, that kid is priceless. Did he tell Keith and Luke, too?” he asks slowly, and I think he’s afraid that more people knew before he did.

“No, Karen threatened to take all his toys away and never let him eat cake again. He cried when he apologized for blabbing to your mom,” I smile.

“I guess Brooke knows,” he sighs, and I know he’s irritated by that.

“I couldn’t not tell her. She knew I was going to the doctor, and she was worried it was something serious. I couldn’t let her worry.”

“How’d she take it? Crap, how’d Mom take it?”

I smile. “Your mom was really great. I think she was actually excited by the idea of grandchildren, if you can believe that. But yeah, she offered me any help I needed. She was awesome. And Brooke was Brooke. Started ordering me around, is learning how to cook so I don’t have to, just basically being the really great friend she is.”

“I’m glad you have them to take care of you since I’m not around. Maybe I can worry a little less now,” he says, “But then again, maybe not. God, how can I not be around for this?”

I laugh. “You shouldn’t worry, everything will be fine, Nathan. We have great friends and family, and we’ll make it work. I know we will.”

“Well, what are we going to do? Where will you and the baby live? When are you due? God, what if it’s during basketball season and I can’t be there with you? I’ll probably miss a lot of your doctor’s appointments, you know,” he warns, sighing, “And who will put the crib together? God, Haley, how are we going to do this?”

“Nathan,” I start, trying not to laugh at his worry, “It’ll be okay. I promise. We’ll figure all these things out. I mean, I haven’t even seen an OB-GYN yet, so I don’t know the due date, but it should be in March. And I’ll make Brooke video everything you can’t make it to, okay?” He nods, kissing my shoulder again.

“Yeah, I’m going to hate not being there with you,” he mutters, sounding like he means it. “This whole traveling basketball thing just got really inconvenient. I should’ve gotten a normal job like normal people do.”

“We’ll figure it out,” I promise, grabbing his hand and squeezing it. “We’ve been through harder, right?”

He nuzzles my neck. “Yeah, we have. This’ll be a breeze, right?”

Oh, famous last words, I’m sure.

~*~

When we wake up, and after I finish getting acquainted with the hotel toilet, Nathan insists on finding an electronics store so that he can buy a DV-R recorder for me to have Brooke use during all the baby stuff he’s going to have to miss. I want to tell him not to worry about it, that it doesn’t matter, but I don’t. If he’s going to get into this pregnancy in this way, then I have nothing to complain about. I’m just happy he’s showing an interest.

We shop for about an hour before I have to get a cab to go to the airport. It is hard to say goodbye. If I could go to Seattle with him, I would. Now, though, I can’t. I know that I’m going to need to be in Tree Hill where I’m with my friends and family, enough though Nathan will still be in Seattle. It’s hard, but it would be hardest to be all alone in a city I didn’t know, didn’t understand. I need to be around my friends and Karen and Deb right now.

“We’re okay, right?” Nathan asks nervously, “I mean, I didn’t do permanent damage to us last night when I was being such a dickhead about things.”

“We’ll figure it out, Nathan,” I promise, looping my arms around his waist. “I guess it might be harder than I thought, but we will figure it out.”

“You should just know that it isn’t that I don’t want you to have my baby, but I just thought we’d be having it at a time we were both ready. And that time would occur when everything was more stable, and we knew what we were doing. I feel like I don’t have a clue right now,” he admits.

“That’s how I thought it would be, too,” I remind him, “And its okay that it’s hard to accept it isn’t. As long as we do, you know, accept it.”

“I do,” he quietly asserts, his hands rubbing over my back, “And you will never know how sorry I am that I reacted so badly.”

“Oh, baby, I already know. I do, I can see it on your face, and hear it in your voice and words. It’s there, Nathan, and I know you mean it.”

“I love you,” he whispers.

“And I love you,” I promise, “More than anything. Don’t look so worried, we’ll be okay, Nathan.”

He nods. “I know, I guess now that I’m realizing just how much of this I’m going to miss, I’m kind of bummed out by it. I wish there was a guarantee that I could be there for everything. Maybe the team will let me off for a few games around your due date,” he says, sounding doubtful. I don’t know, they might – how could they tell a man he can’t be present at his child’s birth?

”There are never any guarantees, though,” I point out, and he laughs.

“I don’t know about that,” he says when I look at him questioningly, “I think it’s a pretty safe bet that you and I will always be together.”

I laugh, too. “Well, after everything that we’ve gone through to get here, I think there’s a pretty good chance you’re right.”

”Hey, I know this is asking a lot, but can you wait to tell Dad, Keith, and Luke? Sounds like they’re about the only ones who don’t know, and I don’t know, I kinda want to tell them myself.”

“I don’t mind at all,” I smile, “I figured you’d at least want to tell Dan, which is part of the reason I swore your mom to secrecy. Hey, call her, by the way, I’m sure she’s dying to know what you think of all this.”

“Yeah, you think?” he laughs, “I’m sure she’s pacing around driving Dad crazy wondering what the hell is going on with her. I’ll call her really soon.” He sighs. “It’d be nice to tell Dad, Luke, and Keith in person, so we could celebrate, but I guess that isn’t in the cards.”

“Good, she’ll love to hear from you,” I smile, moving closer to him. “I’m going to miss you,” I murmur.

“When’s your first appointment with the, uh, the baby doctor?” he asks, searching for the right word and coming up empty.

I laugh. “OB-GYN? It’s on Wednesday. If Brooke can’t come to record things, I’ll get Karen or your mom to come with me, okay? Someone will record it, I promise.”

“Yeah, and call right after, okay? And Mom would love to go with you, I’m sure. I think she wanted another baby, especially after Eric was born, but it didn’t work out.” I nod. “Okay, your cab is here,” he sighs, looking wistful, “God, I wish you didn’t have to leave, I wish I could go with you, I wish that we could be together.”

I smile as he leans down to kiss me. “I wish that, too, Nathan, but we’ll be okay. We’ll talk all the time, right?”

“Yeah, we will. Okay, let’s get you loaded up.” He places my bag into the backseat, and then turns to me, kissing me hard and hot, almost desperately. “God, I love you.”

“Nathan, I love you, too,” I smile.

“And – and I love you,” he says, crouching down to my stomach. Tears well in my eyes as he drops a kiss there and whispers something I can’t hear. He stands back up. “Well, that felt kind of silly, but you know, good, too.”

“I’m glad,” I tell him sincerely, kissing him one last time. “I’ll miss you, baby.” I smile and get in the cab, breathing a sigh of relief that things turned out how they did. It could’ve gone a lot worse, that’s for sure, and it was touch and go for awhile, but they turned out well.

I wave at him as the cab pulls away, grinning when he blows me a kiss. It’s a little silly, but I miss him already. He’s such a big part of me that when we’re apart, I feel it physically, almost. It has always been hard to be away from him, even when we weren’t together, even when I thought it was best we weren’t, but this time, it’s harder.

It should be easier, really, knowing that we are a couple. The thing is, with this baby on the way, it isn’t. I know he wants to be here with me for this, and God help me, I wish he was able to be here, too. I could use him with me, which isn’t to say anything against Brooke, Karen, or Deb, who I know will be great and supportive.

I just want to be with Nathan. I want to fall asleep in the circle of his arms, and I want to wake up there, too. I want to watch his face the first time the baby kicks because he’s here with me, but I know the chances of that happening are unlikely, just like I know he probably won’t get to go to any of the doctor’s appointments I’m going to have.

Things are going to be okay, though. At least I can truly let myself believe that, finally. Things are going to be okay.

~*~

~*~Early October, 2010~*~

”So, Hales, is there something you want to tell me?” Luke fishes. I know that Nathan has told him that I’m pregnant, so I don’t know why he’s acting like he hasn’t.

“Luke,” I start around a mouthful of food, “I know that you know that I’m pregnant, so I don’t really know why you don’t just say whatever it is on your mind about it.”

He rolls his eyes at me. “Well, I was going to ask why you were scarfing down that pizza like its your last meal, but I guess that’s the pregnancy talking, huh?” he teases, “Congratulations, by the way. I can’t believe you waited and let Nate tell me instead of telling me yourself. Some friend you are.”

“Don’t pout,” I order, “But it was only right that he get to tell you himself, especially since I got to tell your mom and Brooke.”

“Brooke and my mom know?” he pouts, “And you didn’t tell me? Geez, Hales, thanks a ton. I can see why it’d be hard to tell your oldest and best friend. And my wife, apparently she couldn’t even tell me.”

I roll my eyes at him. “Knock it off; you know I have my reasons. Brooke was the one who originally suggested I might be pregnant, and once it was confirmed I was, talking to your mom seemed the most logical course of action. And then your brother told Deb, so I had to fill her in, too. Don’t blame Brooke either. I wanted it kept quiet for then. But Luke, it was only right that Nathan be the next to know, and then he asked me if he could tell you, Dan, and Keith, okay?”

He sighs. “Deb knew, too?” I slug him on the arm. “Okay, okay, sorry. So, is this a good thing or a bad thing? Nathan admitted he was kind of a dickhead about it at first.”

“It was awful,” I admit, “He was so upset, and some of the stuff he said really sucked. But he calmed down, and things got a little bit better. I think he’s fine now.”

“He sounded fine. So, how are you? Should you be sitting down or something?”

I laugh at his concern. “I’m fine standing. I’m only three and a half months along, Luke. I won’t topple over.”

“Hey, I’m just making sure you’re going to be okay. Nathan asked me to keep an eye on you, and make sure you’re okay.”

“Luke, I’m fine. Come on, look at me, I’m healthy as a horse.” He grins as I shovel more food into my mouth. My appetite really has been increasing along with my waistline. Right now I’m grabbing a snack before I start making something for dinner.

“You’re eating like a horse,” he jokes, wrinkling his nose at me. I shrug, sticking another piece of raw broccoli in my mouth.

“Can’t help it, I’m hungry. But it’s healthy food,” I point out, smiling sweetly. “So, what else did he say?”

“That he’s scared he’s going to miss everything,” he sighs. “I feel really bad for him, but he said you’ll find people to record all your appointments and stuff.”

“You think it’s always going to be like that?” I ask, saddened by the possibility, “I mean, what if he can’t be present at the birth? What if he can’t be my birthing coach? What if he misses the baby’s first step, first word, first tooth? I don’t know if I can live like that.”

Luke looks at me with sympathy. “If it makes you feel any better,” he sighs, “I think Nathan feels the same way. Maybe this will have him reevaluating things.”

“What, you mean, like quitting basketball? Luke, I don’t want him to do that because we’re having a child. I really, really don’t want that. He loves basketball.”

“Yeah, but he’s going to love this baby more, Hales, that’s a given. And he loves you way more already. So the two of you are bound to outweigh basketball, see what I’m saying?”

I shrug, still a little stressed over all of this. “It’s just hard, Luke, he’s so far away most of the time, and I’m scared to do this on my own.”

He smiles, reaching out and grabbing my hand. “Well, that’s the good thing, you aren’t alone. You’ve got all of us here, and you have Nathan, too. Haley, if he ever thought you needed him, he’d be on a plane and here so fast you wouldn’t know what to do.”

I manage to smile back at him knowing he’s right. “Yeah, well, that doesn’t really make it easier.”

He shrugs, “But Hales, when are things ever easy in these parts?” He manages to elicit a laugh from me, which feels nice, so I give him a hug.

“Well, you speak the truth on that one,” I admit, laughing still. “So, how are you and Brooke doing?” I ask, tired of talking about my fears and myself.

He shrugs. “I don’t know it’s a mess. It’s so much harder to be married than you would think, you know? It’s hard to explain.”

“Hard how, freak?” I tease.

“I don’t know, it’s just weird. We don’t live together officially, our family doesn’t know, and it’s almost like we’re just dating still.”

“Luke, two out of the three of those could very easily be rectified,” I point out, a little exasperated with him. “I mean, just tell your mom already that you married Brooke in Vegas.”

“I want to wait for the holidays when everyone is together,” he explains again, even though I already know his tiresome logic.

“But if it’s causing problems for you, then you should change your plans, Luke. That’s just what you have to do sometimes.”

“You talking about me or you?” he asks, not unfairly, really. “It’s not that simple. You know, what if our problems don’t go away after we make our announcement? Hales, this marriage thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be, a lot harder than you could imagine it would be.”

“You thought it would be easy? Luke, come on, you know better than that. Relationships take a lot of work. And for the record, I was married; I know it’s hard.”

He shrugs. “I know, and it was stupid that I thought this, but I kind of assumed once we got married, everything would be perfect. And your marriage doesn’t count, it was in high school. Nothing in high school counts when you’re drawing on real life experience, because high school is just not real life.”

“Okay, I’m ending this conversation right now,” I tell him, standing up, “You need to talk to Brooke about these things, not me. Actually, as much as I love you and want to help you, Luke, I can’t. Not when it’s between you and Brooke; I have to stay out of that.”

He nods, staying silent as I walk out of the room. I hear the TV on in the living room, and I know its Tim since Brooke has a late lab tonight.

“Hey Mama,” he grins as I walk in, “How you feeling today?”

I grin back at him as I plop down on the couch next to him, leaning against him. “I’m doing just fine, how are you?”

“I’m good, now that I’ve seen Baby and Baby Mama are doing good with my own eyes,” he jokes. I playfully elbow him, jumping a little when the doorbell rings. “You expecting anyone?” he asks.

I shake my head, jumping back up. “Nope, but I’ll go see who it is. You expecting anyone? Hot date, maybe?”

He laughs, shooing me out of the room. “I wish,” he sighs, “But it’s all about work right now for me.”

“Yeah, we’re pathetic,” I laugh as I walk to the door, “You’re a workaholic, Brooke is busy with school, Luke is a lazy bum dragging his feet on finding a job, and I’m knocked up. What a bunch! We don’t do anything fun anymore!”

“Ha!” Tim yells, either forgetting why I left the room, or not caring, “Like you didn’t have fun getting to the point you’re at!”

I open the door, jaw dropping when I see Jason standing there with Gina and his sisters. I’d hope there was a chance they hadn’t heard, but I’m not even close to being that lucky. Plus, it’s rather evident on each of their faces that they heard loud and clear.

“Anyways, which is worse?” he asks, his voice getting closer, “Luke mastering every Playstation game ever made, or you getting knocked up by your boyfriend before you actually get back together?” He comes around the corner, stopping in his tracks when he sees his family. I close my eyes. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh,” Jason sighs. I know we sort of patched things up, but, even after we’d broken up, if Nathan had gotten a girl pregnant, I’d have been really hurt, so I don’t think this is an easy thing for him to hear.

I don’t know what to say to any of them, so I smile slightly at Jason. “I’ll be in the kitchen,” I whisper, trying to walk past. Gina reaches out, grabbing my arm, effectively stopping me. I look up at her questioningly.

“Actually,” she says, clearing her throat uncomfortably, “We wanted to talk to you.” God, this can’t be good. “The girls have something to say.”

I glance at them, and it’s quite clear that they’ve been forced to come here against their will. “Mom, do we still have to apologize if she’s knocked up by that asshole ex of hers?” Lola mutters snidely.

“Lola Marilyn!” Gina exclaims, “Watch your mouth! This is exactly the type of behavior we came here to apologize for, now isn’t it?”

Lola just shrugs, glaring defiantly at me. I look at Gina. “I appreciate the effort, but it’s really not necessary.”

Tim moves behind me, putting his hands on my shoulders. “I didn’t know you all were in town,” he says to Gina.

She smiles. “Your mom said to tell you that if you actually stopped by or called her more often, then you might actually know something. We’re just here because an old friend of mine passed away, and I wanted to attend her funeral.”

“Well, despite the circumstances, it’s good to see you,” he smiles, and I let myself marvel for a second at how much he’s grown up since he graduated and got his job. He catches me staring at him. “What?”

“Nothing, you’re just so – mature now,” I smile, forgetting that other people are in the hallway for a minute.

“Yeah, way to condescend, Baby Mama,” he jokes, blanching a little when he realizes he maybe stuck his foot in his mouth again. They all look interested, but obviously none want to ask.

“Well, I’m sorry for your loss,” I say to Gina, nervously wiping my hands on my jeans, “But I’d better go make some dinner now.” I smile slightly and walk off before anyone can protest.

I walk over to the fridge, really needing to eat something. There’s nothing there that appeals to me, though, so I open the freezer and pull out a frozen chicken breast to thaw out and do something with. Lemon chicken sounds kind of good. Funny how food is so much more on the forefront of my mind now.

“You’re pregnant?” Jason asks from behind me. I must not be surprised he followed me, because I don’t jump.

“Yeah,” I say softly, not turning around, “I am.” I say it with a quiet defiance, almost challenging him to be an ass about it, but he doesn’t rise to the bait.

“Congratulations,” he says quietly, “I guess you’ve found what you were looking for? What you needed all along?”

I shrug, finally turning around. “Working on it, at least.” I grab a bag of chips and sit down, offering him the bag after I take a few out.

“I pictured us having kids one day,” he admits, “Which is kind of weird to say out loud now. Are you happy? About being pregnant?”

I don’t know if he’s curious, or fishing for info or whatever, but it doesn’t seem malicious, and so I figure there is no harm in telling him. “Yeah, I am. It’s a big adjustment, but it’s a good thing.”

“It’s his?” he asks, and we both know who he means without him having to say it.

“Yeah, it’s his. I – we got back together about a month and a half ago now,” I tell him, proud of how both of us are handling this.

“That’s good, I’m glad you’re happy.” He shrugs, “You deserve it.”

I smile a little at him. “Thanks, Jason. I’m sorry you found out by me using it as an argument to Tim in how boring we’ve all become.”

He laughs. “Hey, yeah, I mean, it was over a year ago we broke up, and even if I was mad, it wouldn’t be my place. It’s awkward, I guess, but I’m mostly just happy for you.”

“Thanks,” I say again, a little freaked out by how calm and normal this is. I guess a passerby would never know that I’d walked out on our wedding. Well, walked out during our wedding.

“Well,” he says, “I’d better go. I’m sure Mom is about ready to kill Lol and Riss. They really are sorry about the way they’ve treated you, even if they are too overprotective and pigheaded to tell you that themselves.”

“Mmhmm,” I sigh, “And it was their idea to come here?”

“Well, no, Mom heard them talking about the things they’d said to you a few days ago, and she laid into them. It reminded me of when she used to bust me sneaking into the house at night in high school. Anyways, she nailed them, and since we were here, she wanted them to tell you that they were sorry, even if they didn’t mean it.”

I laugh. “Well, tell her thanks for the effort. Take care, Jason,” I tell him sincerely. He’s a good guy, and even after the major discord we’ve spent most of the last year and a half in, I still want good things for him, if only to assuage my conscience.

He leaves, and I go back to fixing my dinner. If I was surprised that Jason followed me in here, I’m a thousand times more surprised to see Lola appear in the doorway.

“What do you want?” I ask her coldly, tired of her BS. This is my kitchen, and I’m not in the mood to take her abrasive, offensive attitude right now.

“My mom is right. We do owe you an apology. Riss isn’t really too thrilled with it, and honestly, I’m not either, because I still think you suck, and I can’t just forget Jason crying over you, but it isn’t our place to tell you that.”

“And yet here you are, doing just that again,” I point out, tired of her already. “Look, you don’t want to apologize, and it doesn’t matter to me one way or another if you do, so let’s cut this bullshit – go. Tell your mom you tried, and you’ll both feel better, but I don’t want to hear your insincere placating.”

“It’s not placating, and whatever it is, it is actually sincere. Look, I’m sorry about what I said out there in the hallway a few minutes ago. It was uncalled for, and the only excuse I have to offer is that I was surprised. But a lot of the things I’ve said to you were uncalled for, so I’m sure you weren’t surprised.”

“You’re right, a lot of it was. And hey, some of it wasn’t, if that makes you feel better. The thing is, I don’t care anymore. Your forgiveness doesn’t make or break my life, and it doesn’t even keep me up at night. I’ve worked things out better than I expected with your brother, and that’s all I needed from your family.”

She nods. “I get that, Haley, I do, but we were friends once.”

“So, what? Clearly we aren’t now, and it isn’t going to do either of us any good to pretend otherwise, Lola.”

“Look, I didn’t come back here to fight with you, I didn’t.”

“Then why are you?” I ask plainly, wishing she’d leave me in peace to make my dinner, “Because there’s nothing else to say.”

“You know, I’m trying to apologize, and you’re being awfully ungracious,” she mutters, and I let myself hope she’s going to give up and leave, but she doesn’t. She sits down instead.

“What do you want?” I ask grumpily, “I’m hungry, I’m tired, and I have to make dinner and eat quickly so that I can start looking into things for my second job.”

“I want you to accept my apology,” she says hesitantly, “I guess it’s asking a lot or something, but please, think about it.”

“Look, your apology is irrelevant to me, Lola. I’m sorry that I hurt your brother and hurt you by doing so, but that can’t be changed now. And I don’t see what point there is in hashing this out now.”

“Maybe you’re right,” she shrugs, “But I’m moving here, to Tree Hill, and I thought it would be cool if we could be civil.”

“You – you are moving here?” I ask, disbelieving. Why would someone who has done all the things she’s done, had all the accomplishments, move to Tree Hill?

“Well, no,” she admits, “But if I was, wouldn’t you want to be civil to me?”

“I can be civil without doing this,” I point out, really wanting her to go. “But if you want forgiveness, fine, you’ve got it. You know, the truth is, I never really felt you were out of line. What I did sucked. I didn’t deserve any less than what I got from you. The thing is, that grew tiresome after a year – we’ve moved on, and if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that I can’t live my life for someone else. I have to live it for me, and that’s what I’m doing now.”

She stands up. “Well, I’ll get out of your hair. I get what you’re saying, and I guess in a weird way, I appreciate what you’re saying. Too bad things couldn’t be different,” she shrugs.

I stand up, too, figuring it wouldn’t kill me to walk her out. “Well,” I sigh, “I guess they turned out the way they were supposed to.”

“Yeah. Well, thanks for listening and not kicking me out,” she offers when we get to the front door. I give a small wave to Jason and Gina before turning and walking back to the kitchen. A few minutes later, Tim comes in.

“Sorry about that,” he sighs, grabbing a cutting board and helping me cut up stuff for a salad.

I smile at him. “Not your fault, and it wasn’t that bad. Just a smidge weird, but that’s to be expected, don’t you think?”

He shrugs, but cracks a smile. “You mean it’s always awkward seeing the family of your ex who you left at the altar? Particularly when you’re pregnant by your ex-boyfriend?”

“Yeah, I guess that’s not a situation most people encounter every day!” I joke back.

“No, probably not,” he smirks. “So, how’s this pregnancy thing? I mean, we haven’t talked a lot about it. Does it feel weird?” he asks, furrowing his brow. I think he seriously wants to know.

“I don’t know, I don’t feel much different yet. Just the morning sickness and tiredness, really, which are starting to go away.”

Now that I know what’s wrong with me and I know the signs, I’ve noticed other indicators of pregnancy, but they are ones that I know would make him blush, so I won’t tell him. Like I really would ever want to talk to him or Lucas about tender breasts anyways. Ugh. Scary thought.

“Oh,” he sighs, “So, it isn’t kicking yet?”

I roll my eyes at him. “It’s like, the size of my hand now. It isn’t big enough to kick. Did you ever pay attention in health class in high school?” I reprimand him.

“Nah,” he laughs, “Except during sex ed. I was one of the guys who’d put the nasty questions in the sex question box.”

“Why am I not surprised?” I smile.

“Because I’m just that clever?” he grins, clearly proud of himself still in some ridiculous way.

“Yeah, if you want to think so,” I laugh, dropping the tomatoes I’ve cut up into the salad bowl. The chicken is done now, so I grab a plate for each of us. “Actually going to eat with me tonight?” I ask, raising an eyebrow in mock shock.

“Yes,” he smiles, “I couldn’t bear to deprave you of my presence anymore. I just had to stay home for a night and let you bask in the sunshine that radiates off of me.”

“Wow, so benevolent,” I snort, choking back a laugh. “When did you get so poetic? I mean, for mocking purposes, of course.”

“Oh, yeah, mocking purposes only,” he laughs, “And only ones that can be aimed at you, too.”

“Hey,” I protest, lightly smacking him on the arm, “Don’t be mean to the pregnant lady! I’m gonna be fat in a couple of months, and if you tease me then, you might just live to regret it!”

“Damn, you’re already cranky enough to threaten me? This could get ugly,” he laughs around a mouthful of chicken.

“Hey, are you saying I’m a bad pregnant woman?” I pout, “I’ve only known a week, give me some time to settle in here!”

“You’re doing great so far. I think. I mean, I don’t know a lot about pregnancy, but it seems like you’re doing great so far. Yeah.”

I laugh. “Are you scared I’ll hit you if you say I suck or something?” He laughs, but shakes his head. “It’s just weird, all of this,” I sigh, “Good, but weird still.”

“How’s Nathan taking it?” I think this is the first time he’s even mentioned Nate to me since I told him I was pregnant. Probably not an intentional slight, but it is odd that he never asked about it.

“He’s taking it okay, I think. I hope,” I admit nervously, “He was really upset at first. He wanted me to be joking, and at one point, he actually said that he didn’t want it. But we moved on from there fast enough, and he even seems to want to be involved now, which makes me really happy.”

“Good, I’m glad. I’d have to defend your honor if he wasn’t being completely great to you about this.”

“Aw, my knight in shining armor,” I laugh, leaning over to give him a hug.

Tim has been so busy lately with his new job, and I’ve been so busy working at the ID firm and going over plans for the new café – unbelievable that Karen and Deb are already scoping places – so we never see each other. I realize now how much I’ve missed the lightness he brings to my life, and that certain way he has of making me feel so great about everything.

“I’ve missed you,” I tell him sincerely, “You aren’t here often enough anymore. Or if you are, it must be when I’m not.”

“I know,” he sighs, “I really love my job, and I want to get ahead. It just sucks that the price is missing everything that’s going on around here. I’ll go to work tomorrow, and all of a sudden, the next thing I know, it’s March, and Brooke is on the phone yelling at me because you’re giving birth and I haven’t shown up yet.”

I smile. “It isn’t that bad, Tim. I see you enough still that I don’t think we have to worry about anything quite that extreme yet.”

“That’s where it’s headed, though,” he groans, “I’m going to be some dorky desk guy who only sees the sun in odd months and holidays. I’ll have no friends, and I’ll have turned albino.”

Geez, and he calls Brooke a drama queen. “Tim, you like your job,” I remind him, smiling. I’m really sorry I teased him about this now. “Besides liking your actual work, I know you really like going out and having drinks with your coworkers after work. That’s not a bad thing!”

“No, it isn’t,” he concedes, “But it still isn’t the same as when you, Brooke, and I used to hang out every day. I miss those days.”

“Me too,” I smile, “But we’re growing up, I guess. Who knew that’d happen with the three of us?”

“Well, you, it was a given,” he points out, “But out of the three of us, you definitely weren’t the one I’d have figured to be having a child first.”

“Really?” I ask, curious, “Which of you held your guess then?”

“I don’t know, I just figured Brooke might get drunk and forget what she was doing, and I figured I might get too caught up and not use protection. I’m glad it’s you, though, you’re probably most responsible. You definitely know the most about kids,” he points out.

“Only because I’ve had Eric to practice on,” I reason, “Besides, I think both you and Brooke will get the hang of it really quick when you’re hanging around my baby all the time.”

“Yeah, I guess,” he laughs, “So you’re actually gonna let me around your kid? Nathan will actually let me around his kid?”

I shake my head at him. “Tim, Nathan wouldn’t try and dictate to me who can and can’t see our child. Besides, even if he wanted to, he knows that it’s you, and I love you, and I want you to be a part of my child’s life. No matter what!”

He smiles at me, and I think I actually see a tear in his eye, but he ducks his head down and neither of us comment on it.

“Thanks, James, I’m lucky to have friends like you.”

“You sure are,” I smile. “And I’m lucky to have ones like you!”

I am. I really am. Sometimes, with all the stuff that’s going on with Nathan, it’s easy to lose sight of how much I love my friends, and how much they do for me. Which is a lot, and I know that.

~*~

~*~Thanksgiving, 2010~*~

Somehow, Nathan convinced all of his family to come to Seattle to celebrate Thanksgiving with us. Of course, I’m thrilled about this, and Nathan is, too. In fact, I think everyone other than Luke and Brooke are, but they are another story. It’s like I told Luke last month, I just can’t be involved in their problems now.

Besides, this isn’t supposed to be about that. This is supposed to be about celebrating Thanksgiving, seeing where Nathan lives, and cheering him on at his game. Brooke and Luke are considering making their announcement sometime over the weekend, which I’m fine with, but I plan to make myself scarce if they get into another fight. Unfortunately, they seem to be coming more and more frequently these days.

It’s irrelevant, though, at least for this weekend. This weekend is about those other things, the happy things, like celebrating this baby and Nathan’s awesome job. And I’m excited to do all these things, and if that includes celebrating Brooke and Lucas’s wedding, then more the better. But I can’t deal with them fighting, and putting me in the middle again.

I’m flying in first with Deb and Dan today, and everyone else is flying in this evening. It’s kind of weird to fly out here with them because they are both hovering over me, although Deb is admittedly worse. It’s sweet, in a really irritating way, but it is sweet that they care this much.

Our plane lands and we head for the baggage claim area so that we can hurry to meet Nathan. Deb and Dan are particularly anxious to see him, since they haven’t had the chance to since that horrible night of the draft. Oh, I’m excited, too, maybe even a little desperate, but I’ve amazingly got the fortitude to cover that up a little bit.

When we step outside, I’m pretty surprised it isn’t raining. The sun is actually peeking through the clouds, which is pleasant. Deb lets out a little squeal when she sees Nathan, and I hang back to let his parents greet him first. Things are still visibly awkward between him and Dan, but hopefully the next few days will be good for that. Deb pulls him into a huge hug that she ends up incorporating Dan into as well. I can’t keep the smile off my face even as Nathan mouths the word help at me over their shoulders.

He pulls away from them and slowly…I guess stalks is the only appropriate word. It’s not really a strut, and calling it a walk is too plain for it, and I don’t know why I’m thinking about this. A part of me is still nervous after his initial reaction to the baby news.

He holds his arms out, and I get my feet moving, and meet him halfway. Such a simple solution, and yet in so many ways, so hard to put into practice. I think over the next few months, as we try to sort things out in terms of this baby, we might find out just how hard it can be.

“Hey gorgeous, and baby gorgeous,” he says, kissing my cheek and rubbing my belly. “I missed you, Haley J.”

“I missed you, too,” I tell him, breathing in his scent. His hands slide down my sides, over my hips to my butt. “Nathan, we’re in public,” I gasp out to remind him, “And your parents are standing right there.”

He chuckles, and steps back, glancing down at me. “You’re starting to show. I mean, I know you’ve sent pictures and the DVDs of your appointments, but it’s really nice to see for myself, you know?”

“I know,” I smile, lacing my fingers with his, “God, I’ve missed you. Every time I have an appointment, every time someone teases me about this mythical pregnancy glow that I have, I think of you and how it should be you sharing those moments with me.”

He sighs, squeezing my hand. “Hey, I know how that feels better than anyone, Haley,” he points out.

“Yeah, I know.”

Nathan drives us to the house he’s bought; oddly, none of us knew he’d bought a house since he’d rented an apartment when he first came here, but no one makes a big deal out of it. It’s a nice house, on the lake just east of Seattle. He tells us Bill Gates lives in the same neighborhood, and we all smile politely, unsure of how to react.

I should’ve known he’d get extravagant with this – he’s been sending me and the baby really expensive things lately, and as much as he is generous with me, he’s just as generous with himself.

He shows Deb and Dan to the guest room they’ll be staying in, and I wait for him out in the expansive living room, admiring the view from the front window. There’s a boat dock, and I wouldn’t be surprised if, by next spring, Nathan has all sorts of water equipment ready to put the dock into use.

“I didn’t decorate much,” he says, coming up silently behind me to put his arms around my waist. “I was kind of hoping you’d do that.”

I turn back to smile up at him. “You know I would love to decorate your house for you, Nathan.”

He drops a kiss on my lips. “I know, but I meant more of a you decorate it for both of us and the baby scenario.”

“Nathan,” I sigh, warningly, “I – we – it’s just, I need to be in Tree Hill for this, not here, alone part of the time, while you’re on the road.” I plead with my words and my eyes for him to understand. “I need Karen and your mom and Brooke.”

He turns away, frustrated with me. I know he thinks I should just give in and move here, but I don’t want to leave the support system I’ve got there. Yeah, I’m scared, I admit it. Yeah, I want to stick to the easy way. This is a hard thing, though, having a baby, and I want to stick around the place where I know there are tons of people to help me out. It isn’t that I don’t want to be with Nathan, because that is absolutely not the case, but I’m just afraid he wouldn’t be here enough to give me what I need. I know he doesn’t understand this.

“Haley, we’re going to be parents. Not just you. Not you and Karen, or you and Brooke, or you and Mom, or you and anyone else. You and me. And the best way to make that the case, is for us to live together.”

“And you’re asking me to pack up and move here, Nathan. Do you know how hard that would be right now? It’s hard enough to be away from you when I have my friends and family around, but it would be downright painful to be away from you here, a place where I don’t know anyone or even know how to get anywhere!”

“You’d figure it out!” he exclaims, not wanting to let this go. Who am I kidding, neither of us want to let this one go.

“That isn’t the point and you know it!”

“I don’t know what the point is anymore,” he growls, staring out the window over my head, “It seems like a simple thing to me: I love you, you love me, we’re having a baby, who wouldn’t want to live together?”

“God, Nathan, you think this is a matter of want? Because it isn’t!” I lay a hand on his chest, imploring him to look at me. “Nathan, this isn’t about what I want, it’s about what’s best for me right now, and what’s easiest. And that is to be in the place where I know at least one person will always be there when I need them!”

“I’ll be here, Haley J, I will!”

“Nathan, what if I go into labor while you’re on a road trip back east. I’ll be all alone, with no one – no one! – here to help me. I can’t do that, Nathan; it’s too scary!”

He sighs, wrapping his arms around me. “I’m sorry, I know it’s asking a lot to want you to come here and live with me, but I just can’t help but think it would be in all of our best interests. Haley, it would be so much easier for us to rebuild our relationship if you were here. And think how great that would be for the baby!”

“Nathan, I know that is the ideal situation – us living together, raising this baby together. But realistically, I think it’ll be better for now if I stay in Tree Hill. At least until the baby is born.”

He kisses my forehead. “Okay, let’s not do this now. Let’s at least focus on the fact that you’re here for now, right?”

“Works for me,” I smile, stepping closer to him. “God, I have missed you so much, Nathan. I don’t think you can even begin to imagine.”

“If it is half as much as I’ve missed you, then I know it’s a lot, and that’s good enough for me,” he laughs. “So, what do you think of this place?”

“It’s fancy,” I say in as bubbly a voice as I can muster. And it is fancy, but it’s also barren and impersonal, but like Nathan said, he hasn’t decorated beyond the necessities. “It’ll be really beautiful when you get it decorated.”

“Hey, even if you aren’t moving in, I’d like it if you did the decorating,” he smiles, “Pick stuff that we both like, you know.”

“Sounds like a good plan to me,” I return, “It’ll give me more chances to visit. The only thing is that it makes it tough with me helping your mom and Karen set up the second café.”

“We’ll figure it out. I bet they’d give you time off for a good cause, and if I’m not a good cause, then I’m not sure what is!”

“Good, well, that’s something. Maybe we could schedule an unnecessary ultrasound or something, just so I can see it live, with you.”

I smile at him, glad and grateful he’s really starting to take an interest in this. It makes it so much easier that he is.

“Are you picking up everyone else at the airport tonight?” I ask, knowing they could all fit in his Escalade if necessary, but knowing he’d probably rather stay with me and his parents.

He shakes his head. “I’ve arranged for a limo to pick them up. It’s easier that way. Plus, this way, I get to stay here with you,” he smiles.

“You’re too sweet,” I laugh.

“Yeah, I know,” he grins immodestly and cockily.

“Brat,” I mutter, but we both know I love it, so the word is without heat. He pulls me into his arms and drags me off to show me the rest of the house.

~*~

After Nathan’s game the next day, we all gather back at his house for dinner. Karen and Deb had stayed here cooking while the rest of us were at the game, which they insisted was fine. There is, unsurprisingly, a flatscreen TV in the kitchen, so they claimed it was almost like they were at the game.

I know that Brooke and Luke are going to make their announcement tonight during dinner. I feel bad because Karen admitted to me a few days ago after they had a particularly nasty fight one evening, that she was thinking they might not make it much longer. She also admitted they’d lasted longer than she’d expected in the beginning. I didn’t know what to say, so I just shrugged and changed the subject.

Everyone is seated around a huge table that Nathan rented for the weekend. Since he wants us to choose everything together, all he’d gotten was a small table for the kitchen, which obviously wouldn’t work. This is nice, though, and everyone is having a good time as far as I can tell.

Luke stands up, nervously clearing his throat. Nathan and I exchange glances before fixing our attention on him.

“Well, hi everyone,” he babbles, fidgeting with his glass, “Um, I have an announcement to make.” Everyone looks at him expectantly. “Brooke and I are married,” he says with a little flourish.

Everyone stares at them. I’m not sure if I should congratulate them, or if I should keep quiet and let his parents congratulate them first. Karen clears her throat. “You mean, you’re engaged to be married,” she tries to correct him, emphasizing ‘engaged’.

“Uh, no,” he sighs, “We actually got married. In Vegas.” He stares her down defiantly. “We’re married, Mom, whether you like it or not.”

Oh, he’s so stupid that I almost groan aloud. He wants to convince his mom this was a good idea, a good thing, and he acts like a spoiled brat about it? Dumbass.

“Lucas, there’s no need to take any sort of disrespectful tone with your mother,” Keith frowns, “I think she’s just a little confused as to why you would get married and not tell anyone.”

Brooke, for her part, looks like she’d rather be anywhere but here, and I almost feel sorry for her, but since they brought this all on themselves, it is kind of hard to.

Luke sighs, sitting back down. “I’m sorry, it’s just that I knew this would be surprising, and I guess I was a little defensive about it.”

Karen plasters a smile on her face, and stands up to walk around the table to hug him and then Brooke. Keith, Deb, and Dan all follow her example.

“I guess you knew,” Keith says, smirking at me.

I shrug. “It wasn’t my place to tell this time. It was completely their business,” I smile. Nathan lays his hand on my thigh, squeezing gently, reassuringly. I smile at him gratefully.

“Well, what a pleasant surprise,” Deb smiles, “First we have a baby on the way, and now we have a wedding to celebrate. Truly a blessed holiday season this year.”

“Yeah, it’s been a great year,” Dan beams. I know he’s referring to his growing relationship with Lucas as well as the fact that he and Nathan can at least talk honestly now, which is a vast improvement.

The rest of dinner is crazy as everyone bombards Luke and Brooke with questions about their wedding, and they pull out the pictures we took to share. Karen looks wistful that she missed it, such that it was, and holds Eric a little tighter, almost as if trying to keep him young. I wonder if I’ll do that with my child someday.

Brooke is sharing a spirited retelling of how the wedding comes to be, when the baby starts to kick. “Nathan!” I gasp.

“What?” he asks, alarmed. I grab his hand and place it on my stomach. “Oh,” he blinks, “Oh, my God. It’s – you’re – he’s moving.”

“He?” I ask, amused. Everyone around us has quieted down, watching us.

He shrugs. “I don’t know, ‘he’ sounded right. Besides, that’s a manly kick, right? It’s got to be a boy.”

I laugh. “Oh, Nathan, that’s our baby,” I sniffle out, overwhelmed by this. The sheer power of feeling this baby kick for the first time is incredible. I cannot believe how amazing and moving this is.

“I know,” he whispers, awestruck as he splays his fingers to catch more of the tiny flutters that the baby is causing, “This is incredible.” I can see the tears shining in his eyes, and I know he is as touched as I am.

I lay my head on Nathan’s shoulder, tears in my eyes; he’s sort of my oasis in this desert of craziness. Maybe, once the baby comes, I will move here with him. It would beat living without him, and he’s right, I would find my way around, and I would make friends. I’m sure some of his teammates have wives or girlfriends, and I’d have to get along with at least one. Maybe I could do this after all. But for now, I’ll concentrate on getting through the pregnancy, and then I’ll worry about moving out here.

Chapter 20

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