Getting It All Back

By Brynne

“Meredith Ryan Scott! Get up off the floor right now, and put your toys away!”

“Mommy, no! Pwaying!”

“Sorry, sweets, we can’t play now. We have to hurry up and get you bathed and dressed so we can go visit your daddy. Don’t you want to go see, Daddy?” Cheap trick, but hey, it works. And I’m nervous enough about Nathan’s reaction to me today, so I don’t need to deal with her bargaining.

Immediately jumping to her feet, she smiles widely at me, looking so like him that I can’t help but smile back. “Go Daddy!”

“Yeah, we’re going to go see Daddy,” I agree, pulling off the jammies she slept in as I walk her down through the door to her bathroom. “Come on, we have to take a quick bath, baby.”

“No, bath,” she pouts, her lower lip sticking out far, “Go see Daddy!”

“We will, honey bunny, but bath first. We’ll be really fast, I promise.” I get her in and out of the tub in record time, drying her off and pulling her hair into a little ponytail as quickly as I can. “See, all pretty for Daddy now,” I smile at her, kissing her forehead.

“Mommy pretty,” she smiles at me, charming as can be. We also know where she gets that.

“Yeah, you’re trying to butter me up for cookies later, aren’t you?” I ask, grinning at her. “Come on, sweets, let’s go get in the car and go see your daddy.”

“Yay!” she cheers, as enthusiastic as ever as she barrels down the steps, stopping and looking between the five cars in the driveway. Not wanting to leave any of the cars in Seattle, I had them all shipped out here. If or when we decide to sell them, it’ll be easier to do it here. Actually, we can take them to Dan, and he’d buy them from us to resell at his lot.

I point her to the car we’re taking, and she excitedly bounces up and down by the door, waiting for me to lift her up into the safety seat, talking a mile a minute in my ear. She barely pauses, except to take breaths, and she doesn’t seem to need a response from me, so I just smile at her in the rearview mirror, enjoying the chatter.

We stop at the café and pick up a box of pastries to take to Nathan, and then we’re on our way. I don’t let myself think or worry about this, just revel in how happy it is making Meredith, and how happy Nathan will be the second he sees her. Of that, I have no doubt.

The drive flies by, and we’re here before I know it. I barely have time to put the car into park when Mere’s door is swinging open, and Nathan is unbuckling her safety seat and pulling her out.

“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!” she squeals, giggling as she throws her arms around his neck, a big, beaming smile plastered on her face.

“Hi Merry,” he grins back at her, glancing at me as I step out, shutting the door, “Hey Haley J.”

“You look good, Nathan,” I smile, relieved that he greeted me, and so nicely, “Really good.” I stand back from them, wanting to give him time with Mere, time to greet her and listen to her ramble and kiss her cheeks and hold her tight, but the urge to go to them is strong, too, and I don’t know what to do, so I end up standing here awkwardly.

Nathan makes the decision for me, though. “Come here, Hales,” he whispers gruffly, his cheek resting against Mere’s, holding open his free arm for me to step into it. Once I’m there, he’s holding me tightly, his face pressed into my hair as I wrap my arms around him, breathing in his scent. “God, I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” I mumble into his shoulder, my arms tightening around him, “We both have. A lot.”

“I’m so glad you came today,” he admits, pulling away to look down at me, glancing at Mere who is now resting on his shoulder, watching us curiously as we talk. “I – I was afraid you’d change your mind or have other plans that were more important.”

I laugh at that. “Trust me, nothing was more important than this, Nathan. I needed you and Mere to have this time together, and I needed to see you, too, see that you’re okay here, and that you’re looking better. And you are.”

He nods, not responding to that assertion. “Come on, let’s go to the park across the street. We can all play for awhile.”

That sounds like a lovely idea to me, so I immediately agree, and Mere starts bouncing in his arms at the mentions of play and park. “Let me get the pastries that we picked up from Karen’s out of the car. You two can go ahead without me, if you’d like,” I offer, “I’ll be right there.”

“No,” Nathan disagrees, “We’ll all go together.”

Nodding, I hurry to grab the pastries as well as a blanket to sit on, and then we all walk across the street to the park, picking a large grassy area to spread out the blanket. We all sit down, Mere staying on Nathan’s lap, telling him about the new house and her swingset. Nathan grins at me when I hold out the pastry box to him, choosing one of the stickiest confections in there and feeding bits of it to Mere as she babbles on breathlessly. She gets bored after a bit, jumping up to run over and play with some other little kids who are playing on the toys.

~*~

Turning so we can keep an eye on her, Nathan and I end up sitting side by side.

“The house is good?” he asks, handing me an éclair, which he knows I love, “Sounds like Merry is doing okay there.”

“Yeah, it’s a nice house, Nathan,” I smile, “It’s pretty. It’s still too big, but I guess we’re used to that, right?”

“You’re both comfortable there? Do we need to add on, renovate anything?” he asks worriedly, and I don’t know if he’s really that concerned about the house, or if this is something of a delay tactic so we avoid talking about the real stuff, the important stuff.

“It’s perfect, Nathan. The porch, the kitchen, all of it is lovely. And the extra bedrooms are coming in handy to store the things that we’ll have to consider getting rid of because of the downsizing,” I tell him, reaching over to take his hand, “But we don’t have to worry about those things now. We love the house.”

“I’m glad,” he whispers, squeezing my hand, “So glad.”

“You look good,” I tell him, and knowing he’s watching Mere, turn to face him more fully, “Are you doing well here? We haven’t talked much when you’ve called.”

He nods. “I know, and I’m sorry. I haven’t known what to say, I guess.”

“If you don’t want, we don’t have to talk about it now, Nathan,” I offer, even sounding like I mean it, “But I’m here for you. I’ll do whatever I can to help you get better. I promise you that.”

“Yeah, I know that,” he assures me, “It’s just hard, Hales. Being there, away from you, away from Mere. I hate that, not seeing you two every day. And I know I wasn’t before, I know that I messed it all up, but it’s just worse now.”

“Because you’re sober?” I ask quietly.

“Maybe,” he concedes, running a hand over his face, “Yeah, probably. I fucked everything up, didn’t I?”

“We both messed up, Nathan,” I respond, “But we’ll put things back together, make them okay again, for Mere.”

“What about for us?” he asks, so serious it breaks my heart.

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly, unable to give him anything less, “I think that’s something we’ll need to take one step at a time. I think I need to get some counseling, too.”

“What? Why?” he gasps, grabbing my hand, “Did I hurt you, Haley? Did I do something to you that I don’t remember, don’t know about?”

“No, not that I know of,” I assure him, squeezing his hand, reaching my free one up to brush across his cheek, “This is about me dealing with everything. I’m not doing a good job at any of this, of dealing with my own feelings, and Lord knows I haven’t done right by you.”

“Hey, you have done right,” he counters, offering me a small smile, “I’m here, Hales. That’s you. That’s your work. If it were up to me, if you hadn’t pushed me, I’d be out doing who knows what making an even worse mess of my life. This is for you, because of you. If I have a chance, it’s because of you.”

“Oh, Nathan,” I sigh, tears forming in my eyes, “Are you really doing okay here?”

“Yeah, I am. It’s not exactly a luxury vacation, but it’s better than some of the places I was at in Vegas,” he shrugs, a little distance forming in his posturing when he says that.

“I’m surprised you remember much of Vegas,” I say lightly, “Dan said you were pretty far gone most of the time after I left.”

He nods. “I – I don’t remember.”

“Maybe it’s better that way,” I shrug, not sure what else to say, “That was a dark place, Nathan, and what’s the point in reliving the hovels that you might have visited?”

“No, I mean – when you were there, I don’t remember much of it, just that I really treated you horrible. And before that, before you got there, I – I don’t remember much at all.”

“Nathan?” I question silently, briefly glancing at Mere to make sure she’s fine before focusing my attention back on him.

“I don’t know what I did or didn’t do with those women,” he admits, tears in his eyes spurring my own to fall, “I can’t remember, Haley. I can’t remember.”

“Nathan, shh, we don’t have to talk about this yet. Maybe it’d be best if we wait.”

“No, I want – I need to tell you, I can’t remember,” he says again, the tears falling down his cheeks, “And that probably makes it worse, especially that I acted like I had to hurt you, but I need you to know that. If – if I did, I don’t remember.”

“Okay,” I whisper, my body shivering despite the midday heat.

“No, don’t say it’s okay. It isn’t okay, it’ll never be okay. What I’ve done, how I’ve hurt you – I don’t know, I don’t even know,” he cries, trying to get a hold of himself when Meredith comes running to us, slowing to a walk when she sees our faces. “Hi baby,” he mumbles, pasting a smile on his face, “Come here, kiddo.”

She looks at me, still needing a little reassurance when he’s not quite himself, I guess, but as soon as I smile at her, she launches herself into his arms, smiling back at me.

“She’s getting big, isn’t she?” I remark to him, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

“Yeah, our baby is growing up. Pretty soon she probably won’t let us call her ‘baby’, even,” he sighs wistfully. “Is she afraid of me?” he asks after a minute of cuddling with her, his voice small.

“No, Nathan,” I promise him, “She’s just unsure of everything. It’s been a big change for her to move, and I know she likes it and is adjusting well, but it’s still big.”

“Mere bear, you want something to eat?” he offers her, nodding at me, “Want one of Grandma Karen’s donuts?”

Nodding eagerly, she holds out her hand. “Gimme!”

“Meredith Ryan!” I scold gently, trying to contain my laughter when I see Nathan doing the same thing, “Say please!”

“Pwease gimme?”

Unable to help it, I look at Nathan, and we both burst out laughing, Nathan giving in and ‘gimme-ing’ her the donut. “That’s your daughter,” I tell him, still laughing as she happily munches on it, her face quickly covered in powdered sugar.

“No way, you’re the one with a sweet tooth, not me,” he argues, brushing some hair off of her face to keep it from getting sticky, too.

“Oh, but you’re the demanding one, Nathan,” I smile at him, laughing when Mere shoves a piece of raspberry-jelly covered dough into his cheek, missing his mouth. “Oh, my.”

Leaning over to whisper in my ear, “See? Your daughter. You’re the one who likes to smear food on me so you can lick it off, right?”

“Nathan!” I gasp, covering Mere’s ears, “Don’t tell her that!”

“She’s not listening,” he laughs, first kissing my cheek and then, when I’m off-guard, rubbing his jelly covered cheek against mine.

“Hey!” I squeal, gently poking Mere when she laughs at our antics, “I can’t believe you did that, Nathan!”

“It looks good on you. Doesn’t it, Mere? Doesn’t Mommy look pretty with jelly on her face?” he asks her, winking at me.

“You’re a monster,” I tell him, leaning over to rub noses with Mere, “Give me a napkin, Nathan. I have to get this gunk off my face.”

Grinning, he leans close to me again. “I could employ your method of removing sweets from my body, if you wanted.”

“Nathan!” I blush, covering Mere’s ears again, “Our daughter is right here!”

“She doesn’t know what it means!” he laughs, happier than I’ve seen him in a long time. Maybe a year or so now.

“She might not know,” I agree, trying not to laugh at their antics when Nathan shows her how to smear the jelly around a little more on my cheek, “But you know it won’t stop her from repeating it in public!”

“Yeah, but it’ll be cute, right?” he laughs, winking at me when Mere drags her fingers down over my chin, laughing at the sticky mess she’s worsening, “And your cheeks will get all red and sexy.” His expression souring, he looks away. “I wish I could be there to see it.”

Reaching around them, I grab a napkin, wiping the sticky jelly off my face as best I can. “You might miss a few cute things she does in the next week before you’re out of here, Nathan, but you are going to be there for so many of those things soon that none of us will remember the ones that were missed. I promise you that.”

He nods, taking the napkin from me and wiping off the rest. “I still wish I didn’t have to miss any of it. Any more than I already have.”

“She’s going to fall asleep,” I whisper to him, nodding towards Mere’s drooping eyelids as she quietly leans back against her daddy’s chest. “God, she misses you so much, Nathan.”

“What about you? Do you miss me?”

“You know I do,” I admit, looking down at my hands.

“Do you hate me?”

“Nathan!”

“No, Haley, I have to know. God, do you know what we do here? We talk. All we do is talk and get talked to about how the drugs or alcohol or both fucked up our lives! How we let those things help us to fuck up the lives of the people we love! And I love you, God, more than anyone in this world, and I hurt you. So bad. And if you hated me, I wouldn’t blame you. I’d understand.”

“I don’t hate you, Nathan. I love you. That’s why it hurts, because no matter what, I love you.”

“I never wanted to hurt you,” he sighs raggedly, “No, that’s not true. When you left me, I felt so abandoned, I did. How can you not hate me, Hales? I wanted to hurt you, I tried to hurt you! I’m sitting here, telling you that!”

“Oh, come on, like I hadn’t figured that out?” I ask, biting my lip softly, smiling when his fingers come up to ease my teeth off it, “Nathan, I know that leaving hurt you. I knew that, and I was wrong to do it. I panicked, I was angry, and it didn’t occur to me to think about what you would need, that I should be there for you.”

“Don’t, don’t do that,” he warns, shaking his head, “Don’t you dare give me absolution by blaming yourself. I won’t hear that, Hales. I can’t.”

I shake my head, denying that assertion. “That’s not what I’m doing. But if you’re going to acknowledge your mistakes, then I’m going to acknowledge mine. This isn’t just you here, this isn’t just you in this relationship. It’s me, too.”

“Look what I did,” he whispers passionately, moving Mere so she is lying down on the blanket next to his legs, “Look what I did to you, to her. God, seeing her face, watching her flinch away from me. Do you know how that hurt? Do you have any idea?”

“Yes! Of course I know, I saw it on your face! It – that was one of the worst moments of my life, seeing both of you hurt like that! But maybe that was partially my fault, too. If I had stayed and I had let her go over to Damien and Mel’s, then maybe it would’ve been different. Maybe neither of you would’ve had to experience that moment.”

He shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter right now, does it? Please don’t fight with me and try and take responsibility for the things I did. I have to do this, I have to own up to these things, to these mistakes. It’s the only way.”

“They teach you that in here?” I ask quietly, leaning back on my elbows. He follows me down, rolling onto his side to face me.

“Yeah, that’s sort of a pretty major step, you know? Number four,” he says, more to himself than me, I think. “’Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves’,” he recites. “I don’t like what I saw.”

“Was that the hardest part?” I ask, rolling over to face him.

He shakes his head. “Admitting it was. Even after I agreed, even after I knew I had to do it if I ever wanted you back in my life, I couldn’t admit it. It took over a week of doing their programs and exercises before I could even admit it.”

“So, what is this? Making amends?”

He shakes his head. “I wish,” he sighs wistfully, reaching out to tuck some hair behind my ear, “I’m not there yet. There are other steps before that, other things I have to do first.”

Nodding, I manage to give him a small smile. “You’re doing well?”

“As I can,” he nods, “It’s – it isn’t easy. I thought this would be something I’d do, something that would go fast, and then I’d be out of here, and everything would go back to normal. But I don’t know what normal is anymore, and what it was before I got here, I don’t want that. I can’t have that.”

“What can I do?” I ask, eager to help him in any way, shape, or form that I can, “Just tell me, I’m here for you, Nathan.”

“Let me do this,” he says simply, “Let me go through the steps, come with me to some family sessions, and just listen. That’s all I need, and I’ll never ask for more.”

”I want you to ask. If it’s the difference between getting you back and coming back here, then I want you to ask me for the moon if that’s what you need. You ask, and I’ll find a way to get it for you, I promise.”

He smiles at me, and I notice for the first time how haunted he looks, and I can’t help but wonder if it is because of what he’s been through, or because of all that he still has to come. “I don’t want the moon, but if I need you, if I need help, I’ll ask.”

“You have other people, too, you know,” I remind him.

He nods, frowning. “My mother has stopped by three times,” he sighs, “She doesn’t accept that I’m not ready to see her. She calls every day, and every day I have whoever is on phones tell her the same thing, not yet.”

“She loves you,” I tell him, “She’s your mother, and she’s worried. She doesn’t know how to leave you alone in this.”

“I get that,” he nods, “I really do, but she’s not what I need right now. I want her to let me be, let me do this my way, not hers.”

“I understand.” More than he knows, I think. “I just don’t know if it’s going to happen or not, Nathan. If she sees you, maybe that’ll get her to back off. Knowing that you’re doing okay.”

“You mean that I’m not on death’s door anymore?”

“That would go a long way,” I nod.

He leans forward until his forehead touches mine. “Did it go a long way for you? Are you relieved that I don’t like ass anymore?”

“I’m glad you’re feeling better, Nathan. Most of all I’m just grateful that you’re here, that you’re helping yourself.”

“Me too,” he smiles ruefully, pulling back a little ways. “I think I owe that to you. If not for you, I’d probably be lying dead in a ditch.”

”Please,” I gasp, remembering the morgue, the waits in the emergency rooms of hospitals, and trying to stay calm for Mere’s sake when all I wanted to do was breakdown in fear that I’d lost him. “Never say that, Nathan. Please, please don’t say it.”

“God, I’m sorry,” he mutters, contriteness all over his face, “I didn’t mean to upset you, Haley J.” I nod to show him that I know that. “When – can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, of course,” I agree immediately. The time for secrets between us came and went long ago, and now it is more important than ever that we find ways to not have any from each other.

“You said – before I collapsed in Seattle, you said something, but you didn’t want to talk about it at the time. And maybe I should let it go, maybe it’s too morbid to ask about now, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I have to ask.”

“The morgue?” I guess, rolling onto my back as I stare up at the fluffy clouds in the sky.

“Yeah, the morgue,” he agrees, sighing over me turning away.

“It was – you know that Luke and Dan came back to Seattle with me when I realized how foolish it was to leave. The house was trashed, and it was obvious you were in a bad place. Then Dan said they got a phone call, and they were holding someone who matched your description.” I look over at him. “I thought he meant jail.”

“Oh, baby.”

“And he didn’t,” I continue on, barely hearing him, “He meant the morgue. And we went down there, all three of us, and they tried to make me stay out, to let them go in. I couldn’t wait, though, and I had to be the one to do it.” Pausing to wipe away tears, I sigh. “It wasn’t you, of course. He looked like you though, and it just hit me then that I could lose you. Maybe I already had, that was what I was thinking. What if the next time they called it was you? What if they never found you?”

He looks stricken, and I know it took a lot for him to ask me this, that it cost him a lot to hear part of what this all did to me. He doesn’t say anything, just rolls over on his back, his eyes unseeing as they stare up at the sky.

Rolling back over and scooting towards him until our legs touch, I try and reassure him. “Nathan, it’s okay. I’m okay now. You’re here, you’re alive, and you’re going to stay that way.”

“What I did to you,” he mumbles, his lower lip trembling, “God, a morgue? Because of me, you were in a morgue! That’s not the kind of place I want you to be, that’s the somewhere you should never have to have gone!”

“Maybe not,” I agree, “But it’s okay. I’m okay, Nathan. Hey, I will never lie to you, and I promise, I’m fine.”

Rolling over suddenly, he gathers me in his arms, pulling us until he’s on his back again and I’m lying on top of him. “Never again,” he whispers in my ear, “Never, ever again, is anything bad in me going to touch you. I promise you that, I owe you that. I will give you that.”

God, I wish he wouldn’t say things like that, things that I want to, no, need to hear. They’re things that he might not be able to control, things that can’t be promised, and it would be so much easier to not make promises right now. To take things as they come, I guess.

“Let’s not make promises right now, Nathan,” I request, “We need to go slow, not jump into something like that.”

“No,” he disagrees, “That is one thing I promise you, that I can promise. It’s a promise to myself, too, maybe even more than it is to you. Because if I put you through something that horrible again, I couldn’t live with it.”

“Oh, baby, shh, I’m tough. Hey, you know that I am,” I smile down at him, not even caring that this position is too intimate for us right now, that it’s too much, and it is way too soon. “I know I look like a wimp, but I can get nasty when I have to.”

“With me?” he asks, winking at me.

“Don’t be dirty,” I scold him mildly, laughing with him. “All I’m saying is that I’m willing to fight to make sure that the people I love are okay, and that mostly means you and Mere. I know I just said no promises, so I’m just saying that as fact.”

“I know you’re strong, Hales,” he says, his hands stroking over my back, “You’d have to be with everything I put you through.”

Letting myself relax against him, taking simple comfort in the act, I lay my head down on his chest, assured by the steady beating of his heart.

“I was afraid you’d still be mad at me,” I say softly, “For taking away your options and getting you here.”

His hands still on my back. “I was, at first. But they know what to say here, and the exercises we go through really open your eyes when you’re being honest with yourself.” He sighs deeply. “I’m a mess. I was, and I still am.”

Pushing myself up, I look down at him. There’s so much cost in all this, so much for both of us, and I know that each time he has to admit how far he’s fallen, it costs him dearly. “I’m so proud of you,” I whisper, letting myself smile down at him.

“For being an addict?” he asks wryly.

“For being one who can admit what he is,” I amend, “You know me, I’ve been reading the books. I know how hard they say it is, or can be, for addicts to admit what they are. And I’m sure that the books just cover the tip of the iceberg, too.”

“You’ve been reading about this?”

“Yeah, of course. I – I need to know how I can help, what I should be doing.”

“Is that why you think leaving was so wrong now?” he asks, raising his eyebrows at me. I nod, rolling off him and sitting up, bringing my knees to my chest so I can wrap my arms around them. “You weren’t wrong. I fucked up, big time, and you got Mere out of there. There’s nothing more important than that.”

“I failed you, though. Maybe I failed us, too.”

“No,” he denies, pushing himself up to a kneeling position in front of me, “No way. God, no. Please don’t think that, Hales. Please don’t think that you did something, anything, that caused this, that made it worse.”

”I left you,” I mutter, “And it all went to hell after that.”

“No, baby, I’d already put myself in Hell. I really had.” His fingers under my chin tip it up so I’m facing him. “Do you think I didn’t know what I was risking when I started taking the steroids? That was the first part of it. I knew, knew that there was the chance I’d get caught and basketball would be all but over. I knew that if that happened, you’d be so angry with me that I could lose you.”

“Why?” It’s such a loaded word, loaded question, and it’s out before I even realize, and by then, too late to call back.

He shakes his head. “I – I don’t know. I’m not ready.”

“Not ready to talk about it, or not ready know?” I ask quietly, hurt to think it might be the former.

“I – both, neither, I’m not sure, Hales.” He looks at me, and I can see in his eyes how hard this is for him.

“I know, and it’s okay,” I start to ensure, interrupted by a shrill voice calling his name. Glancing toward the street, I almost groan aloud when I see Deb coming towards us.

“No,” Nathan shakes his head, almost denying her presence to himself, “No, I don’t want – I can’t, Haley. Not now.”

Nodding, I’m willing to fight this battle for. Jumping to my feet, I hurry towards her, ready to intercept her before she gets to him.

“Get out of my way, Haley,” she demands when I block her path.

Shaking my head, I struggle to keep from cringing at the anger in her eyes. “I can’t do that, I’m sorry. He asked me to tell you he’s not ready to talk with you yet. Please don’t make this hard, Deb.”

“Hard?” she fairly screeches, “You’re accusing me of making this hard? How dare you! You’re here, hording him away from the rest of us, from his actual family, when he needs us the most! I don’t know what you think you’re accomplishing, but no good is going to come out of him being away from the people who love him.”

I want to yell at her that I am his family, and that no one loves him more than me, but this isn’t some pissing contest. This isn’t the time to mark territory. “I’m sorry. I wish he could see you now, but this isn’t about what I want, and it isn’t about what you want. It’s what Nathan wants, and right now, that’s for you to leave. I’m sorry, really, I am.”

She rolls her eyes at me, ready to retort, when she instead steps around me, stomping over towards the blanket where Nathan is, watching us warily. I follow close behind her, calling her name, but I know nothing is going to stop her from getting close to him right now.

When we get to the blanket, Nathan shifts his attention to Meredith, obviously needing to focus on someone who doesn’t want anything from him. “Nathan,” she says, demanding his attention when he doesn’t look at her.

He looks up, sparing a glance at her before locking his eyes on mine. I smile at him, letting him know that whatever he needs in this, I’m here for him. “You shouldn’t be here,” he tells her, refocusing on her.

“Nathan, I am your mother!” she protests, “You need me here now, with you. Who else can help you through this but me?”

He shifts uncomfortably, and I fight the urge to do the same. “They’re right here, Mom. Everything I need is right here with me; my daughter and my wife.”

It kills me that he uses that word, but at the same time, it feels like a miracle. Like something I’ve been waiting for forever, and am just now getting.

”But – no,” she protests, shaking her head in adamant denial, “No! You need your family. Your father, me, your brother! She’s not your wife, Nathan! She took your daughter away.”

He gets to his feet, moving past her to stand beside me. “And she brought her back, Mom. She brought me back.”

“Is this because of what I said to you in Seattle?” Deb asks me, floundering for a reason. I have to steel myself against yelling at her, knowing this is Nathan’s fight. “Is that what this is about? You pitting him against me, making him choose you after you left him, stole Meredith from him.”

“Shut up!” Nathan whispers loudly, gesturing to Mere, “If you wake her up and scare her, I swear, I’ll never speak to you again.” Deb nods jerkily in agreement, glaring between the two of us. “What did she say to you?” he asks me, “What reason did she give you that she thinks you’d try and turn me against her?”

Shaking my head, I sigh. “It was nothing, Nathan. It doesn’t matter.”

“No, it does,” he counters, eyeing his mother, “What did you say to her, Mom?”

“I – “ she begins, faltering, “You were so hurt by her threats of taking Meredith away, that I tried to change her mind.”

“What else?” he demands, clenching his jaw.

“That’s it, that’s what the argument was about,” she insists, looking sharply my way as if daring me to refute it.

”Fine, lie to me,” he mutters, “It isn’t like you haven’t done that a thousand other times. God, why do you think I don’t want you around?”

“Nathan!” she exclaims, her face crumbling in hurt.

“You should go,” he says, turning away from her, “This doesn’t matter now. I don’t want to see you, and if you care at all, respect that.”

Tears are streaming down her face, and the mother in me hurts for her, sympathizing with the hurt one must feel when their child turns their back on you. But the rest of me has little sympathy for her, ready to see her and her accusations gone for the time being. What had been a pleasant day to this point does not need to be ruined by her obsession with getting her little boy back.

She glares at both of us this time, not saving it all for me. Nathan refuses to look at her, his gaze fixed on my face as we wait for her to leave, which she does after a considerable amount of time waiting for Nathan to change her mind. She doesn’t understand him, doesn’t understand that he doesn’t need her to baby him right now, that he never has.

When she leaves, the tension drains out of his body as he looks down at me, his eyes pleading. “What did she say, Hales? I think I have the right to know.”

“Does it really matter?” I ask sensibly, “She’s a mother trying to protect her son, and I was a mother trying to protect my daughter. Unfortunately, those two things didn’t mesh well together, and it made her angry to know I would win the battle of wills. She just said things in anger. She didn’t mean them, she doesn’t mean what she said today.”

“How do we know that?” he asks, “How can I know if you won’t tell me what she said?”

“You can know it because it’s true, because I’m telling you. This is something I believe will blow over, it will just take time.”

“How come it’s so easy for you to believe that?” he asks, a small smile on his lips.

“Because Karen told me so, and Karen is a very wise woman,” I grin, plopping back down on the blanket, checking on Mere. “It makes sense that she’d lash out at me, Nathan. She can’t control the situation, and like Karen said, she can’t criticize you, so she’s criticizing me and my methods of handling this.” Looking up at him, I remember my self-promise of complete honesty with him. “She asked me if I was taking Mere away because you cheated on me. That’s what she didn’t want you to know.”

He blanches at that, and at first I think I’ve made a mistake in telling him as he sinks down next to me. “I can’t believe she’d say that to you.”

“That was sort of my first thought, too,” I smile ruefully.

“Damn it. Damn her.” He shakes his head, clearly pissed at her. “Goddamn it.”

“Nathan,” I sigh, laying a hand on his arm, “It’s okay. That doesn’t matter, it doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

”She’s my mother,” he reminds me incredulously, “How could it not have to do with me, baby?”

“It just doesn’t, Mr. Conceited,” I smile at him, shrugging. “I don’t know, I guess it’s a woman thing? Or maybe it’s just that I have more of a place in your life than she does, and it’s more of a place than she’s had since you were just a little boy.”

“God, if I ever do that to Mere, you’ll tell me, right?”

“Live and learn,” I smile, nudging him when Mere stirs. “The little princess is waking up as we speak, actually.”

“God, I love this girl,” he grins, reaching over to lift her sleepy form into his arms. “She’s so pretty.”

”She looks just like you,” I laugh, teasing him, “See, you really are Mr. Conceited.”

“I’m not pretty, though,” he counters, smiling at her when she leans back to look at us. “Hi munchkin.”

“Hi Daddy! Hi Mama!” she smiles, reaching for me. Instead of taking her from him when he doesn’t get nearly as much time with her precious self as I do, I lean towards them and put my arms around them both, kissing her cheeks and forehead.

“Hi sweets, want to play with me and Daddy on the swings?” I offer her, smiling delightedly when she claps her hands together in pure excitement. She pulls out of our arms and jumps to her feet, taking off towards the jungle gym without us. “Come on, Daddy, come play with us.”

He does, and we push her on the swings and Nathan even goes down the slides with her more times than I can count. It’s fun, and after the hell of the last few months, this is the best thing that I could have imagined. Maybe even better than that.

The time passes much too quickly, and before I know it, it’s time to get Mere home and get her fed some dinner. Nathan is the one who points it out, which immediately draws Mere’s attention as she reminds me that I promised her ‘chickies’ for dinner tonight.

“I can’t believe you have to leave already,” he sighs once Mere is snug in her safety seat. He glances forlornly towards the building he’ll be back in soon. “This was good, thank you for coming to see me today.”

“Thanks for having us,” I smile at him, “It was good. Mere’s beside herself over seeing you. You do know that you are her favorite person in the whole world, right? She worships you.”

“You’re her favorite,” he counters mildly, “But I’m happy to be a close second. So, I get out of here in a week from tomorrow. You guys pick me up?”

“Yeah, of course, Nathan. We wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

“Um, yesterday, I called around, and I’ve found a condo to rent,” he says carefully, watching me closely, “You know there is nothing I want more than to be with you and Mere all the time, but I can’t right now. I – I need time, Haley.”

Taking a deep breath, I try to force myself to understand what he was saying. In truth, if he hadn’t said it, I would’ve suggested it myself after he’d been home a few days. But that he needs time away from us still stings, even though I need that same time.

“Okay, of course. That’s probably a good idea,” I nod, smiling slightly. “It isn’t a bad thing, right?”

“No, of course not,” he agrees, “This is just time to let me get myself together. There – there’s a lot I have to come to grips with, a lot of things that I did. And when I can do that, then I can tell you, make amends to you. Try, anyway.”

“I don’t know if I understand completely,” I sigh, “And I’m nervous about what these things are, but I understand. This is about you, so be selfish and do what you have to to get better, okay?”

“I love you,” he whispers softly, taking my hands in his, “If I could make this go away so that we could be who we were before, I would. But I can’t, so I have to fix it in other ways.”

I nod. “Yeah, I know, Nathan. And I’m here, for whatever you need, okay? You – you can talk to me when you call Mere, I’d like that.”

“It makes me miss you more,” he admits, “With Mere, I have something she needs, and I can give that to her. But you, the second I hear your voice, it’s you that I need.”

Confused, I stare at him blankly. “Do you not want me here?”

“God, of course I do! More than anything,” he sighs, “This has been really good for me. It made me understand more of the things they teach us here about how we have to have a support system and why it’s so important, not just for us addicts, but for the people we hurt, to make our amends when we get there.”

“Okay,” I smile, “Well, we’d better go. Oh. Before I forget, what do you think of getting Mere a dog? One of Brooke’s patients has puppies, and she’s giving them away. Next week, when you’re done here, Brooke will go with us to pick one out.”

“Yeah, we’ll do that,” he agrees, laughing, “I can’t believe I’m making plans. I haven’t had any real plans in months.”

“Good start?”

“Yeah, good start,” he smiles, “Good start.”

He kisses me on the cheek, and then I kiss his, and then he helps me into the car. “Take care, Nathan,” I implore once the window is rolled down.

He nods. “You, too. Of both of you, okay?”

“I will.”

“I know,” he smiles, “You always do.”

“See you next week?”

“I’m counting on it.”

“Me, too.”

“Haley?”

“Hmm?”

“No promises, like you said. From either of us. Like they say here, one day at a time. I – no expectations?”

“If that’s what you need, then okay,” I agree tentatively, knowing we both need that buffer to fall back on. God knows I do.

“I’ll see you. I’ll talk to you sooner.”

Nodding, I wave to him as I back out of the parking space, glancing back at him as he watches us leave. So much happened today, most of it very good, but it is a lot to take in, a lot to deal with. All that I can do now is go home and process it, and decide what everything means.

If nothing else, I can breathe easier knowing that he’s safe and healthier and seems to be really trying to get better. That alone gives me so much hope and power and faith in both of us. It’s amazing how tied up in him my life is, how much better everything seems when I know he’s doing okay. He owns so much of me, and for the first time since the first night he collapsed, that doesn’t seem like such a bad thing.

Chapter Thirteen – Beast of Burden

'You can put me out on the street

Put me out with no shoes on my feet

But put me out, put me out

Put me out of misery…

I'll never be your beast of burden

I've walked for miles and my feet are hurtin’

All I want is you to make love to me

I don't need no beast of burden

I need no fussing, I need no nursing

Never, never, never, never, never, never, never be' – Jagger/Richards

~*~Mid August, 2013~*~

“Come on, come on, come on,” I mutter, more to myself than anyone else. Well, considering I’m the only one in the room as I frantically rush around trying to find the ballet flats that match the purse and sundress I’ve selected for the day, that’s probably a good thing.

Nathan’s coming home today, and I have this strong urge for everything to be perfect.

Well, that’s not entirely true. He’s leaving the treatment facility today, but he isn’t coming home to me and Mere. He’s followed through and is renting his own apartment for the time being, which I actually filled with rental furniture. If this becomes a permanent thing, something I’m not willing or able to contemplate now, then we’ll get him better furniture. But for now, this is all he needs and wants.

True to his word, each time he’s called for Mere since our visit, he’s talked to me, updated me on his progress, how he’s feeling. It’s such a comfort to hear his voice and know that he’s telling me these things because he wants and needs to, not because I’ve had to pressure him into it.

There is nothing settled between us. Not even close. And somehow, I’m okay with that. It’s not ideal, and it’s sure as hell not perfect, but Nathan is doing well. I have to admit that. And if this is what he needs to continue doing well, taking things slowly and not rushing to figure things out, then I can do that. I can accommodate him this way.

Meredith and I are going to stay with him this afternoon and evening, getting him settled in and have dinner with them. I know that despite finding his own place, he needs us around, particularly her. No matter what he says, I know that she’s his reason for striving for sobriety, and if being around her constantly reminds him of that, then fine by me. Good, in fact.

And me, I have this need to be with him, too. That scares me, more than it should. It feels like losing control when I even consider trusting him again. Like I’d be letting go of some vital part of me that I should be protecting with my whole being. I can’t help it, though.

His admitting to me that he cannot remember what happened in Vegas was huge, but it cost both of us a lot. It was hard for him to admit that loss of control, hard to admit that he was so far gone that he could’ve done that and not remembered. And it was hard for me to hear that he didn’t know for sure, but for those moments in time when he rubbed my face in the idea that he had for sure, he hated me. That’s the worst part of it now, I think.

“Mere?” I call, shoving my feet into the shoes I found at the very back of my closet, “Whatcha doing, sweets?”

“Pwaying, Mama!” she yells back from her room across from mine. When she’s older, we’ll move her into one of the bigger rooms, but for now, I like having her as close as possible.

“Playing, of course you’re playing,” I mutter to myself, pausing to comb my fingers through my hair trying to tame the wild curls tangling around my face and shoulders. “Ugh, good enough.”

“Mommy, pway me!”

“We’ll play later, baby. We have to go get Daddy now,” I call back to her, deciding to just be pleased with my appearance and go get her ready.

“Oh, look at you!” I laugh when I find her in her room, wearing not one, but three different pairs of shorts and one skirt.

“I dressed, Mama!”

“I see that, Meredith. Aren’t you helpful?” I grin, going to her dresser to find an outfit that I know she’ll be willing to put on without fighting me about taking the other clothes off. “I think you need a shirt with it, though.”

We get her dressed in a cute little sundress and saltwater sandals, grab a few toys and books and a change of clothes for her, and then we’re off to get Nathan. We talked to him last night, and I know he’s equal parts thrilled and nervous, maybe even scared, to be leaving the treatment facility. From what he’s said and what I’ve read in accounts from other recovering addicts, leaving treatment is one of the hardest parts. That safe cocoon that has been created around you, the constant support and denied access to what brought them there is ripped away. A lot of people don’t make it a week without relapse.

He’s terrified that he will be one of those people. That’s part of what Mere and I staying with him for dinner is about, so that he and I can brainstorm ways to avoid this, keep him safe. There are so many things to consider, and right now the most important one is finding ways to help Nathan stay clean.

When we get there, he’s waiting out front with his two bags, watching the road for us. “Look, Mere, there’s Daddy!” I tell her, pointing out the window towards. “We get to take him back to Tree Hill today!”

“Daddy’s home?”

“Daddy has his own place, babe, but you and I are going to see him all the time. Especially you, I can promise that,” I assure her, parking the car.

I get out of the car, smiling at Nathan, things still awkward and tense, but when he smiles back, some of that is relieved. “Hey, you guys are early,” he smiles, leaning through Mere’s open window to give her a kiss.

“Figured you’d be ready to get out of here,” I explain.

“Yeah, you’re right about that,” he nods, sighing, “Sort of, at least. I – I’m worried.” I can tell that he is, even if he hadn’t said it. It’s evident on his face, around his eyes. I worry for him. “But I’ve got a group session tomorrow morning, and a one on one with my new counselor after that, so maybe it won’t be so bad.”

“We can be with you, if you’d like,” I offer, nodding towards Mere, “Keep you company, stuff you full of fatty foods and sugary junk.”

“You’d let Mere eat that stuff?” he asks, grinning easily.

“Nope, but what she doesn’t know wouldn’t hurt her a bit in this case,” I assure him, “She’s not getting any cavities until she has her permanent teeth in.”

“You’re no fun,” he smiles, “And hey, thanks for the offer. We’ll see how things go, and decide then, okay?”

“Sounds good.” I watch as he loads his bags into the back seat before getting into the passenger seat of the car. “Ready to go see your new apartment?”

“Yeah,” he nods, sighing, “Well, at least it’ll look big. That’s one good thing about having no furniture, right?”

“Actually,” I correct him, “I rented you some furniture. It’s all there and set up. It’s nothing fancy, and we can change it out if you’d like, but you’ve got a bed and places to sit now.”

“Yeah?” he grins, “Thanks, that’s a relief. Going out shopping wasn’t really high on my list of priorities. I figured I’d have to drive halfway across the state and wear a disguise to make sure no one recognized me.”

Well, this is a new one. He hasn’t mentioned being nervous about public opinion before, and I hadn’t really thought about how it would affect him. I should have, and it surprises me that I didn’t think about how painful that would be to him, but that wasn’t something I’ve thought about since the reporters backed off in Seattle.

“I didn’t even think about that,” I admit quietly, “Are you going to be okay with that? With people recognizing you?”

“I don’t have a choice, really,” he sighs, “It’s going to happen, and I’m going to get looks. Especially here, you know? Everyone in Tree Hill knows me.”

“God, Nathan, and I pushed you to come back here. I didn’t – I cannot believe this didn’t occur to me! I should have thought of it, I should’ve known that this would be a problem. I’m so sorry to put you in this position!”

“It doesn’t matter,” he shrugs, “It is better here than Seattle right now, I think. What could I do? Move to some teeny town in Montana and hole up in a cabin? It’s better this way. These are my demons, and I have to face them.”

“It’d probably be better if you didn’t have to face them so soon, right?” I ask anxiously, “Putting it off for awhile isn’t such a bad thing.”

“Haley, I can’t put it off. It is what I’ve made it, okay? And I don’t need you doing this, I don’t need you trying to protect me from what people think, from what people say about me. So just stop that shit, alright?”

I glance at him in surprise before nodding and turning my attention back to the road in front of us. The words were harsh, but the implications hurt a hundred times worse. Basically, it’s not my place to protect him, even if I want to. And worse, he doesn’t want me to do that, he doesn’t want that from me.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” he offers a minute later, laying his hand on my thigh when I shake my head, brushing off the apology. “I mean it, I am. You’re helping me, so much, and treating you like that was wrong. I’m sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter, Nathan, don’t worry about.”

“No, I am worried about it,” he counters, “And you’re taking it the wrong way. This isn’t about me not wanting your help, it’s about me not being able to take it. These are things I have to do on my own, things I have to go through.”

“I just want to make this easier on you, Nathan,” I explain, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye, “I’m sorry if that’s not what you want. I’ll try to not, I guess.”

“Maybe that’s for the best right now,” he agrees, hurting me more. It shouldn’t hurt. God, why does it hurt so much? After everything, I should be numb, unfeeling. Why can’t I be numb?

“If that’s what you want, then fine,” I sigh, staring straight ahead, completely intent on ignoring him.

“Come on, I’m not trying to be a jerk here, Hales,” he snaps, his hand tightening on my thigh, “Would you look at me?”

“I’m driving, Nathan,” I snap back at him.

“Pull over,” he orders gruffly, “Pull over so we can talk about this, please?”

“Not now, not with Meredith back there,” I answer quietly, my voice softening, “We can talk about this at your apartment.”

“Yeah, okay,” he agrees, his hand lifting to catch mine, “There is a method to my madness here, Haley J. I’m not just trying to shut you out, please don’t feel like that. For the first time in a long time, I actually know what I’m doing, and more importantly, I think it’s the right thing.”

Deciding that I have to trust him right now, I look over at him, smiling tremulously. “If that’s what you need, then yeah, of course. I only want to help you, Nathan, not make this harder on you. So when I am, you should tell me right away, and we can try and be adults about it.”

He laughs at that. “Oh, yeah, pick something that I’ve always sucked at.”

“What? You can be an adult when you want to,” I smile, “You just don’t like to very often.”

“Sure, throw that in my face,” he chuckles, leaning back in his seat, “Just because our two year old can be more mature than me. No fair with that.”

“Not my fault,” I shrug, falling silent as we drive on.

“Mama, hungry!” Mere proclaims from the backseat.

“Okay, sweets, we’ll have lunch when we get to Daddy’s house, okay?”

“No, now!” she whines, kicking her feet against the back of my seat. Nathan is immediately reaching back, stilling her feet with his hands and a stern look that has her pouting.

“Hey, we can run through a drive-thru or something, if you want,” he offers, “That’s fine with me. We’d just have to stop at a grocery store otherwise, and I’m not up to that today.”

Glancing over at him, I sigh. “Well, this was presumptuous on my part, I realize that now, but I did sort of stock your place for you. I just know you, Nathan, and you’d have eaten takeout as long as you’re there if you didn’t have some basics to cook with.”

“You got me groceries?” he asks quietly, surprised.

“Well, yeah, I wanted you to have what you needed when you got home,” I shrug, “If that’s one of those things you want to do yourself, I can take it all back.”

“Don’t you dare,” he laughs, shaking his head, “I’d forget half the things I’d need to cook, like sugar and flour and eggs, and then I’d be ordering pizza, just like you said.”

“Then that’s okay?” I ask quietly, “In future, I’ll ask before doing anything like that. But I didn’t want you to come home to an empty house with no furniture in the rooms and no food in the cupboards.”

“Yeah, it’s okay. And if you want to continue buying my groceries, I won’t complain. The thing is, you can’t do it all for me, and you can’t shield me from what people think and say.” He smiles over at me. “That’s what I have to do on my own, and I will. Just don’t think to protect me by making it possible for me to stay in the apartment all the time, okay?”

“I can’t live your life for you, Nathan. I won’t try, either. This is something you have to do on your own, I get that, but you don’t have to do it alone. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, I know,” he sighs, looking agitated, “Listen, let’s drop this for now. I’m out of there, I’ve got you two with me, and I’d rather focus on the good stuff instead of the hard stuff.”

“Sure, of course,” I agree immediately, smiling when he twists around in his seat to talk to Mere. “I’m surprised you didn’t sit back there with her,” I comment lightly.

“I thought about it, but it would’ve made it harder to keep a hand on you,” he states, nodding to where his hand is again lying on my thigh.

“Nathan,” I sigh softly, again not sure what to say.

“I can move it,” he offers, winking as he starts tracing a pattern with his fingers.

“Brat,” I mutter, rolling my eyes at him, “Look, we’re here.”

He looks around, seeing for the first time where he’ll be living. “My college dorms were nicer,” he smirks.

“My first thought was that this didn’t seem like a place you’d choose,” I agree, getting out of the car and taking Mere out of the safety seat, “Come on, sweets, let’s go see Daddy’s new house, okay?”

I pass her to Nathan when he moves to join us, and grab his bags from the backseat. “Let me get those,” he protests, shifting Mere to take.

”No, Nathan, you take Mere and just let me worry about the bags, okay?”

He nods, and I take the key out of my purse, tossing it to him. “Well, let’s go check this place out, huh?”

I follow them up the stairs, grateful that Nathan didn’t feel the need to over-pack for his stint in rehab. The apartment is on the second of two floors, so at least there won’t be people walking around overhead.

“It’s, ah, small,” Nathan notes, looking around. It really is not the nicest of places – not seedy or dangerous, just small, dark, and dank, and I don’t understand why he chose it. We can afford better, and he also had access to a house Dan had bought to use as a rental here in town. That was out, of course, but he still could’ve chosen a far nicer place.

“Yeah, it’s definitely a downsize,” I agree, setting his bags down by the door and then putting Mere’s bag of books and toys down for her. “I’m going to get lunch started; any requests?”

“Whatever you make for her is just fine,” he shrugs, “Uh, I think I’ll go shower – this place is clean enough for that, right?”

“You’ll have to find that out for yourself,” I inform him, “I have not touched the bathroom. To tell the truth, I was a little afraid to go in there.”

He grins. “You’re getting soft, James.”

“You were thinking the same thing,” I retort, “Takes one to know one. And you know I’m just making her peanut butter and jelly. Are you sure you don’t want something a little less sack lunch? I don’t mind.”

“Are you having anything?”

“Maybe,” I shrug.

”Then I’ll have what you have,” he smirks, stepping into the bedroom.

There’s this sense of ease between us, probably perpetuated by the familiarity we have with one another and the relief we both feel that we can stand together now and be friendly, but there is still the underlying fear and tension emanating from both of us, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Maybe he’s not, maybe his worries are more substantial and less pessimistic than mine. Maybe he doesn’t fear that no matter how hard we try, how willing we are to pretend, things will never be the same between us again.

But I do, regardless of how he feels. We’re trying, both of us, to make things okay. We’re smiling and sticking to the neutral subjects and tiptoeing around as though we were avoiding broken glass on the ground, which in many ways, we are.

We have a grip on normalcy now, but it is tenuous at best. At worst, we’re barely hanging on. There is still so much to talk about, so many things that we have to learn to move past if we can hope to make things work for us. So many hurts we have to deal with.

I make Meredith’s lunch first, more than happy to get her fed and down for her nap so that Nathan and I can have some more time to talk without her hearing it. I set her up at the table in a booster chair that I brought over while I throw together a salad and pan fry some chicken for me and Nathan.

“Mama, I want chickies, too!” she pouts when she notices what I’m making. “And cookies!” she adds, beaming at me.

“Oh, you are such a spoiled little princess being back here with all your grandparents, aren’t you?” I smirk at her, turning the chicken, “And Auntie Brooke, too, huh? I saw her slipping you chocolate cake the other day.”

“Mommy!” she laughs, holding her arms out for me. Going over to her, I pick her up and spin around, laughing with her.

“You’re my good little girl, aren’t you, sweets?” I ask, nuzzling my nose against her cheek, making her giggle again.

“I good, Mama.”

“I know you are, munchkin. I know you are.”

Setting her back down, I move over to the stove, taking a small piece of the chicken out and cutting it up for her. “That’s hot, Mere; be careful.”

Nodding her pretty little head, she doesn’t touch it, but leans over to blow as hard as she can on it. “She still does that, huh?” Nathan asks from the doorway.

“It hasn’t been that long, Nathan,” I remind him, almost jumping at the sound of his voice.

He walks over to her, his hand ruffling over her hair. “Yeah, it’s been a long time. Maybe not since I’ve seen her, but since I’ve been completely there, completely aware of every little thing that goes on with her, you know?”

Moving to stand next to me in the kitchen, I can tell he’s waiting for me to say something, but there doesn’t seem to be an actual ‘good’ response to that. Do I agree and say something along the lines of ‘yes, you messed up, and not knowing her is the price you pay’? Or do I lie and tell him he didn’t really miss that much?

I do neither, of course. Instead, I offer the most banal of platitudes. “There’s always time now,” I shrug, “She’s not going anywhere, and nothing would make her happier than to spend as much time as possible with you.”

“Is that another trick to keep me occupied and protected?” he asks, only a tiny bit of skepticism in his voice.

“No, not at all,” I lie. Well, it isn’t a complete lie; I do want them to have lots of time together, for her as well as him. But the thought that it would keep him too busy to get into trouble has definitely crossed my mind. “I just know how much you both need that time together, that’s all.”

“Uh huh,” he nods, looking down at Mere who is mashing chicken into the crusts of the sandwich, “So our chicken is going on the salad not a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, right?”

“Right,” I smile, “She’s been doing that a lot lately.”

”Playing with her food?”

“Yeah, she seems to think it is a very funny thing to do. Karen took her to the café yesterday to spend time with your mother, and when I got there to pick her up, she’d ‘decorated’ one of those statues your mom collects.”

Shaking his head at her, amused, he shrugs. “Well, she should know better than to let a two year old run around with food, I guess.” The amusement fades from his face. “Guess that’s what happens to people who never spent time with their own kid – they don’t know how to deal with grandkids.”

“Nathan, come on,” I exclaim, “It wasn’t like that! She’s two and a half, she’s going to get into trouble.”

“Yeah,” he agrees, “But that’s the point. As people who are watching our daughter, I’d rather it not be someone who lets her get away with crap like that. My mom doesn’t know any better because she doesn’t know how to be a mother.”

I gape at him, surprised by the outburst and the hostility radiating from him. Mere is picking up on, looking at him curiously. She doesn’t seem concerned, just interested, so I let it go for now.

Why this surprises me so much is beyond me. Nathan has had problems with both of his parents since long before I even met him. But by the time we graduated high school, he’d gotten to a point where there was at least a peace between them. It wasn’t always comfortable, and it wasn’t necessarily your typical, loving family bond, but it was something.

I could pinpoint exactly when, where, and how things started going wrong with his father. Luke. It wasn’t either Luke or Dan’s fault, but when they started to get close, things imploded for Nathan and Dan. But with Deb, that is so much harder to pinpoint.

He looks over at me. “I don’t know if Mere should be seeing her, Hales.”

“Nathan, she’s her grandmother. They love each other.”

“If my mother can’t be responsible enough to keep her from terrorizing a restaurant, why should we trust her to be responsible enough to keep her safe in other ways?” he asks.

“Nathan, it was one statue. She’s just being a little kid, and your mother was just letting her. What about last week? When she smeared that donut on your face and then mine, we laughed and let her do it.” Nudging him out of the way, I grab paper plates out. “It’s no different than that.”

“Yeah, it is.” He shakes his head. “God, I just don’t trust her. After the way she’s been hounding me and treated you, I don’t think she should get carte blanche access to our daughter.”

“Well, she doesn’t, mainly since she doesn’t want to come near me,” I sigh, “But keeping them apart isn’t the answer, either. She’s her grandmother, Nathan.”

“She’s my mother, Haley,” he counters, anger seeping into his voice and posture, “And I know her better than you in terms of how she is as a parent. Meredith needs better.”

“Better than what? Love?”

“My mom doesn’t really love all that well, does she?” he growls out acidly, “Wake up, Haley! She loves herself, but anyone else, that’s stretching it!”

Staring at him wide-eyed, there doesn’t seem to be anything to say to him. Shaking my head, I take a deep breath, turning back to the chicken, scooping it out of the pan. “She loves you. Maybe you can’t see that right now, but she does.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he sighs, sitting down at the table.

“Yeah, okay,” I agree readily, knowing I’m not going to get anywhere with him in this regard.

“This isn’t me trying to piss you off or even be a jerk,” he mutters when I set a plate in front of him before taking my own seat, “I don’t trust her, Haley.”

Watching him, I shrug. “Why not?”

“When has she ever been there for me, Hales? When has she ever wanted to – no, when has she actually been a mother to me?”

“She tries,” I smile at him, “I know that when I met you, she hadn’t been there for you, but she tried. She’s been trying ever since. No offense, but you don’t actually let her mother you very often.”

“Yeah, because I can’t trust her,” he states plainly, “Because it isn’t like it is with you and Mere, where it is so obvious that you are going to be there for her until the end of time. It isn’t like that with her.”

“It’s there with her,” I promise him, “It is, I know that. I see it. That’s why she’s pushing you so hard right now. Because she loves and would do anything and everything to help you. That’s why she’s so angry with me, because she’s knows that I hurt you when I – when I threatened to take Mere away.”

“Then why can’t I see it?” he asks plaintively, “Why isn’t it as obvious to me as it is to you?”

“I don’t know,” I admit, “Maybe you aren’t ready to see it?”

“Maybe it isn’t there,” he sighs, leaning back in the chair, “I don’t know. It’s not like with your parents where they burnt out and took off, you know? She didn’t have seven kids. She had me. Just me. Was it really that bad that she had to spend the majority of my life so far completely MIA?”

“I can’t pretend to know what was in her head back then,” I sigh, biting my lip, “But now – it’s different for her now. I can guarantee you that, Nathan. She loves you. Maybe you should let that mean something now.”

He nods, picking at his food with the fork. “Let’s forget about her right now. She’s really one of the last things I want to talk about.”

“So, what is it that you do want to talk about?” I ask, smiling widely at him.

“You. And Merry. What have you two been doing? What have I missed?”

This is a touchy subject for me, going over what I’ve been doing since he first landed in the hospital. I can’t tell him that I’ve been spending all my time fearing what he was doing or what was happening to him. Wondering where he was and if he was alive. It wouldn’t do him good to hear that I spent most nights crying myself to sleep with worry over him or that I was making myself sick thinking about him with those women in Vegas.

“This isn’t something we can talk about?” he asks, stuffing a piece of chicken in his mouth, eyeing me carefully.

“I – I don’t know, Nathan,” I admit, “I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with it yet myself, at least my part in things, you know? But Mere, she’s been good. Really good.”

“What is that you don’t want to tell me, baby?” he asks, his voice low and husky. Sexy. Things I shouldn’t be thinking about now. God, what’s wrong with me?

“It isn’t that I don’t want to tell you, but I don’t think we’re ready to talk about them yet, that’s all,” I try and explain, looking away from him. Trying not to notice that his hair is still damp from his shower, the way his t-shirt clings to the muscles of his chest, the way the corner of his mouth lifts in a smile when he glances at me.

I don’t want to think about the other the stuff, the bad parts right now either, but these thoughts are more dangerous right now. This isn’t the time to think of the things I want to do to him, the ways that I’ve missed him. How much I’m dying to show him the ways that I’ve missed him and the things I want to do to him.

“What?” he asks, catching my stare.

“Um, nothing,” I stammer, blushing as I avert my gaze to my plate, “I’m going to go see if Mere will go down for her nap now.”

“Where are you putting her?” he asks.

“There’s a playpen for her in the extra bedroom. If that’s okay with you, I figured it’d be good to have that set up for her,” I explain as I stand up.

To my surprise, he jumps to his feet, throwing his arms around my waist and lifts me up. “That’s the best damn thing you could’ve done for me, you know?”

“What?” I ask, confused, trying not to focus on how good he smells and how warm his body is against mine.

“Filling this place with stuff for me is wonderful of you, baby,” he murmurs into my hair as I snake my arms around his neck, “But bringing some of Mere’s things here, that means a lot.”

“You’re her father, Nathan,” I whisper back, deciding to tease him to lighten the moment, “Besides, who do you think is going to baby-sit when I get a job, mister?”

He sets me down on my feet, but keeps his arms around me, only leaning back to look me in the eye. “You’ll let me watch her when you’re not here?”

“What? Of course. Nathan, you went and you got treatment. And you’re going to be getting continuing care, too. That’s all I wanted, was to know that you were getting help and staying sober. There is no way in hell I’d keep you from her if you were doing that.”

He lifts me back up, his arms tightening around my waist almost painfully. It doesn’t matter though, especially when I feel his tears on my neck. “God, thank you, baby. Thank you so much.”

“Shh, don’t thank me,” I whisper, “I just did what was right, that’s all. Please don’t think this is anything but that.”

“It is, it’s more,” he counters, kissing my neck softly, but chastely, “I – all the things I’ve done, but especially the drugs in the house. You don’t have to trust me, but you are, and you’ll never know what it means to me.”

He’s right; I do trust him. With Meredith. With me? I’m not so sure about that. Well, with my heart, at least, there are questions. But right now, I can’t seem to come up with any of them, and being in his arms is such a huge comfort and relief that I don’t have the heart to pull away from him. I don’t even want to pull away from him. I just want to let him hold me forever, because I know if he does, then nothing bad can happen to either of us again.

“Put her down together?” he offers, setting me back down and smiling at me. He doesn’t bother to wipe his tears away, so I lift my fingers to his cheek, brushing them away for him.

“Let’s go,” I agree, smiling when he grabs my hand and pulls me with him.

We take her into the spare room, which I’d talked Luke and Tim into helping me set up his computer along with putting in shelves for some of Mere’s things. “You did this all by yourself?” he asks skeptically.

“I might have had a little help,” I admit, smiling, “Okay, I might’ve directed while Luke and Tim put everything in here, but it was all my idea.”

“I helped!” Meredith chimes in, lifting her head from his shoulder to smile proudly at Nathan, “I help, Daddy!”

”I bet you did, munchkin,” he agrees, smirking at me. “Did Mommy help, too?”

“Uh huh,” she smiles, “And she yelled at Uncle Dim, too.”

He laughs at that. “Oh, yeah? Why’d she do that, baby?”

“I dunno,” she shrugs, looking pleased that she remembered enough to tattle on me at all. “She loud.”

Nathan raises his eyebrows at me. “He swore in front of her,” I shrug, trying not to laugh, “I’m surprised she doesn’t remember that part.”

“And why is she calling him ‘Dim’? She can say her Ts,” he points out, “Was it Luke or you who taught her that?”

“Neither. It was Brooke.”

“Should’ve known,” he smiles, kissing her forehead. “Alright, munchkin, time for a nap. Want me to sing you a song?”

She crinkles her nose at him, more than ready to play this game with him. “No Daddy sing!” she yells, laughing at the top of her lungs, “Daddy bad sing!”

“Hey!” he protests, pouting at me.

“She told you,” I smile when he pouts at her, leaning down to blow kisses on her belly.

“Good night, Mere bear,” he smiles at her, kissing her forehead once again before moving to the side so I can follow suit.

She starts crying, and I know he wants to pick her back up, so I grab his hand and pull him out of the room. “She’ll fall asleep in a minute; she’s tired.”

“I know,” he sighs, “I just hate hearing her make that noise.”

“You’re getting soft,” I smirk, laughing in surprise when he pulls me to him, “Nathan, what are you doing?”

“Showing you I’m not all that soft?”

“Nathan!” I exclaim, smacking him on the chest, “Your daughter is back there in that room, all innocent and pure and you’re – “

“Ha, like we haven’t done worse in front of her,” he smiles, falling back onto the couch, pulling me down on top of him. “I just want to hold you for a few minutes, okay?”

“Okay,” I agree, laying my head on his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart beating, reveling in the comfort of the act.

“I missed you,” he says quietly, his fingers tracing patterns over my back. “Every day, you were the first person I thought of in the morning, and the last thing I’d think of before I passed out. So many times, all I wanted was to pick up the phone and call, beg you to help me, but I couldn’t.”

“Shh, Nathan,” I sigh, “You don’t have to say these things. We don’t need to worry about it right now.”

“I want to,” he counters, “I want you to know that I’m so sorry for everything I did. The things I can remember, the things I don’t remember, and everything in between. I’m sorry for all of it.”

Moving off of him, I get up off of the couch and go to sit on the love seat adjacent to it, drawing my knees up against my chest. “I’m not ready to talk about these things yet,” I admit, resting my forehead on my knees, “I can’t talk about them.”

“Please?” he requests, moving to sit next me, “At least let me apologize, baby. I’m just afraid that the longer we go without dealing with them, then the worse things are going to get for us. And I don’t want that.”

“I don’t know how to deal with them,” I state flatly, willing all emotion from my voice, “I don’t know how, and I don’t want to try.”

“Hales,” he pleads, brushing the hair that has fallen forward to cover my face over my shoulders, “I’m not trying to make this worse, I promise. We just have to talk about this, and soon.”

“I don’t know what to say!” I whisper, raising my head so he can see the tears running down my cheeks, “I don’t know what’s okay and what isn’t right now.”

“Oh, God,” he moans, jumping up to pace the length of the living room, “This – this is what I’ve done. Look at this, what is wrong with me? Look at how I’ve hurt you!”

“Nathan!” I try to interrupt, but he doesn’t stop his frenzied pacing, just continues muttering to himself.

“Fuck!” he shouts, his fist slamming out to hit the wall.

I stare at him, my mouth dropping open in surprise. “Nathan,” I whisper, slowly standing up, “What are you doing?”

“I – I’m sorry,” he whispers back, looking down at the ground, “I’m sorry.”

“Shh.” I take his hand, leading him into the kitchen. “Let’s get something cold to put on your hand for now.”

“No. No, I think I should take a walk really quick, cool off.”

“You want to leave?” I ask, incredulous.

“No, not leave, just go out and some air. Calm down and get some perspective.” He shakes his head. “I – this – I don’t think this is good.”

“What do you mean?” I ask sharply.

“I need to call my sponsor.”

I nod. His sponsor, okay, that’s good. Grabbing my purse, I rummage through it until I find my phone, passing it to him immediately. Taking it, he goes out onto the small deck, closing the sliding glass door behind him.

Oh, my God. Is this ever going to get easier? Is there ever going to be a semblance of normalcy between us again? I don’t know right now. I just don’t know.

~*~Early September, 2013~*~

“Hello, hello!” Dan’s voice booms as Meredith and I make our way through the dealership to his office. He waves us in, and Mere takes off straight for him, throwing herself at her legs. “Hey, Princess.”

“Hi Papa!” she beams, almost always at her happiest when she’s with her grandfather. I have to smile at the scene as he places loud, smacking kisses across her cheeks, making her laugh loudly as two or three of his employees crowd around with toys for her.

“You’re going to spoil her, Dan,” I chide him, offering smiles to the girls who have brought the toys in for her. Mere is always a big hit when I bring her here to spend time with her grandfather.

“Well, of course I am,” he grins back at me, “If I can’t spoil her, then there is something very wrong with the picture.”

He lets the girls take her out of his arms after extracting promises that they bring her right back after taking her out to show off to the mechanics, and then we’re left alone in his office.

“How’s it going?” he asks, not directly asking about Nathan, but it’s obvious what he means.

“Hard,” I reply honestly, “Really hard.”

“What’s going on?” he asks with concern, “Is there anything that I should know about? Anything I can do to help?”

Shaking my head, I sigh. “No, no, it’s not like that at all. This is – he’s doing well, really well, actually. Going to all of his sessions, seeing his sponsor three or four times a week. It’s just me, he doesn’t seem to want me involved with this at all. He’s shutting me out.”

“And this surprises you?” Dan asks, raising an eyebrow at me, looking freakily like Nathan for a moment.

“Yeah, I guess. In a way, at least. I really had thought he was going to let me in, let me help him however I could. But now he barely talks to me about things. And he won’t talk to anyone else in the family, either,” I explain, “And I don’t know what to do. I don’t even understand what happened, why he’s suddenly clammed up on me like this!”

“Hey, calm down,” Dan says, “Why are you freaking out about this?”

“What? Are you kidding?” the pitch of my voice rising with incredulity, “Dan, when he was at the treatment facility, we talked about how I could help him. How I could be there for him, and how he needed me. We were going to go to family counseling sessions, and I was going to be there for him in every way that I can! And now he won’t let me!”

“Haley, have you talked to him about this? Asked him what’s going on? That’s the only thing I can suggest for you right now. It’s not like he’s talking to me,” he sighs ruefully.

“I talk to him every day!” I exclaim, letting my frustration show, “Every single day! And any time I bring up anything real, he changes the subject. Doesn’t want to talk about it, needs to handle things on his own, blah blah blah!”

“How long has he been doing this?” he asks, frowning.

“I don’t know, since the day I picked him up after he completed the inpatient phase of his rehab stint? You know what’s funny? That day, I was the one who didn’t want to talk about things,” I sigh, “I was the one who wasn’t ready. He tried, and then I cried, and then he freaked out and hit the wall. But he calmed down after that!”

“He punched the wall,” he repeats, looking at me in surprise, “Why haven’t you mentioned this before now?”

“I don’t know,” I shrug, “It was between Nathan and me. And he calmed down so fast, he called his sponsor, did what he was supposed to, so it didn’t seem like it was such a big deal.”

“Well, maybe whatever you were talking about set him off,” he suggests, looking at a loss, kind of like how I feel.

“He brought it up, though,” I remind him, “He’d told me, while he was still at the treatment center, that he couldn’t remember much of what happened while he was in Las Vegas. He – he didn’t know if he’d cheated on me, but he remembered being so angry that he wanted me to think he had. But he still can’t remember what happened.”

“That’s what he wanted to talk about?” Dan asks, clearly surprised, “Why would he be bringing that up, especially so soon after leaving treatment?”

“I – I don’t know, he wanted to apologize, to talk about it, but I didn’t know what to say. I told him that, and then he got upset. It didn’t feel like it was at me, more that it was at himself.”

“What did he say when you asked him about it?” he asks practically.

“Nothing, he wouldn’t talk about it. Not once since has he brought up anything even remotely serious. For that matter, he practically won’t even talk to me unless it is about Meredith,” I sigh, “I don’t know what to do.”

“Haley, I’m sorry, but I don’t know what to tell you,” he sighs, “You’ll just have to keep pressing him to talk to you, I guess. That’s the best I can say right now.”

“Have you tried to see him yet?” I ask, since he mentioned last time I brought Mere over that he was thinking about it.

“No, not yet. I hate to admit it, but I’m nervous. After dealing with him in Las Vegas, I shouldn’t be, right?” he notes wryly, “It doesn’t get much worse than that. Well, that and seeing him in the hospital in Seattle. I don’t know what’s holding me back.”

“The fact that there’s a good chance he’s going to be a raging jerk?” I offer, smiling lightly at him, glad when he laughs. I know how hard it has been for him to try and keep his space and give Nathan time, unlike Deb, who still seems to think forcing her attentions on him is the way to go.

“Has he seen anyone else yet?” he asks quietly, “I know that Deb is still harassing him, probably daily, but Luke hasn’t mentioned it. I have kind of been hoping that maybe he’s seen him or talked to him.”

“Well, if he has, I haven’t heard about it,” I shrug, “And frankly, I doubt it. From what Luke said last time I talked to him, he’s sort of waiting for Nathan to come to him. Which is reasonable, but could take forever.”

“Could?” he laughs, “Try more than likely will!”

“Well, you and I both know that it isn’t going to be easy for Nathan,” I sigh, “I know he’s got a lot of guilt about how he has treated everyone. That won’t make it easy for him to come to you guys, you do know that right?”

“I know. And I could be doing what Deb is doing, but that’s not going to help anything. I think Lucas has the right idea, that we have to let him work this out in his own way. If we push now, it’ll just push him away further.”

“Would you tell Deb that?” I ask, irritation creeping into my voice, “He’s still on this kick where he doesn’t even want Mere seeing her, and part of that is out of spite because she’s pushing him right now.”

“I tried to tell her,” he smiles, “She just doesn’t want to listen. She can’t, I suspect.”

“That’s what I told him,” I confide, “But he’s just not seeing how much she loves him right now. He won’t let himself, I guess.”

“She does love him, we all do. And when he’s ready to accept that and deal with it, then he’ll come around.”

“I don’t understand why he’s pushing everyone away, though,” I sigh, “Especially me. And I’m not trying to sound conceited, I swear, but it’s mostly that he told me he needed me, and wanted my help. And now he doesn’t?”

“He does, of course he does. We both know that. I don’t know why he’s pulling away, and I’m guessing that’s something you’ll have to figure out with him.” He smiles at me. “You’ll have to ask him about it. That’s the only way.”

All of a sudden, Mere comes flying back into the room, heading straight for Dan. “Hi Papa! Em’ly give me toy!” She holds up a small stuffed cat. “It’s kitty!”

“I see that, Princess,” he grins at her, bending down to scoop her up, “That’s nice! That Emily always has toys for you, doesn’t she?”

“She’s getting spoiled,” I groan, laughing. “Okay, Mere, I have to go bye-bye now. You be a good girl for your papa, you hear me?”

“Bye-bye Mama!” she smiles at me, reaching out her little arms. I take her, giving her kisses on both cheeks before setting her down.

“I’ll see you soon, okay, sweets?”

”Bye-bye!” she says again, waving me out the door.

“Gee, I think she wants me to leave!” I laugh with Dan, “I wonder why. It’s like Christmas around here!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll put her present restriction for the rest of the day,” he smiles, “And hey, Haley? Good luck with the interview.”

“Thank you!” I beam nervously. This isn’t my first job interview here, but it is the one I’m most interested in getting, so I am a little on edge about it right now.

~*~

“It went really well, Tigger!” I brag into the phone as I pour myself a glass of wine, “So well that they offered me a job on the spot!”

“No kidding!” she laughs, “That’s wonderful, Tutor Mama! I’m so happy for you. When are you starting?”

“Next Monday. That way it’ll give me time to figure out what I’ll be doing with Mere when Nathan is at his treatment meetings.”

“Ha, he’s going to shit bricks when he realizes that he’s going to have to interact with someone outside of his group,” she mutters, knowing that he’s still closing himself off from everyone, “If you want to torture him, you could get Deb to watch her.”

“Believe me, the thought did cross my mind,” I sigh, emitting a small laugh, “But I don’t want to torture her like that. No, I’m going to ask Dan to do it. Nathan has, for whatever reason, less trouble being openly hostile with him, and they’ll probably manage to resolve things sooner. Of course, that guess is probably way off mark, but Mere loves being at the dealership so much that I can’t imagine her being anywhere else, you know?”

“Well, good, you are going to have the biggest Grandpa’s girl in the whole world soon,” she warns me, “And who knows if that will be a good thing!”

Laughing, I just shake my head, knowing she can’t see me. “It’s good for her to have that bond with him. I really love that she has that. That she is getting that with all of you now that we’re back here.”

“Where is she now?” she asks, “Running around upstairs terrorizing that new puppy of yours?”

“Nope, she’s at Nathan’s for another few hours,” I smile, “I have a little free time this evening, and I’m enjoying it.”

“You should come over and eat dinner with me and Tim to celebrate the new job,” she suggests, “I’m cooking, so it should be safe. Last week, Tim cooked, and he made corned beef hash. From a can, Tutor Mama! I swear, the house still smells like it. Disgusting, I don’t know how I still live with him.”

“Love?” I laugh.

“Yeah, I guess that’s it,” she grumbles, “But really, you should come over. We’d love to hang out with you.”

“Maybe one other night this week? We could drag Luke out of his hermit house and make him come over, too. Nathan has Mere Thursday night, why don’t we do it then? You all can come over here, too, since I haven’t had a chance to have people over yet.”

“That’d be great. Is Luke really being all that hermit-like? I thought things with Lola were progressing nicely?”

“Oh, they are,” I laugh, “But since basketball season starts in a few months, any free time he has is apparently being spent drawing up his playbook for the kids. Dan said that they’re doing it together, even though they’re coaching separate teams this year.”

“How weird has life become when those two can not only talk basketball in a civil manner, but get along enough to create plays for their opposing teams together?” she questions, “I mean, did you ever think that day would come?”

“It’s been like that for a long time now,” I remind her, “But there was a time that I would’ve never imagined this, no.”

“Ha, see, it’s weird!” she crows, laughing, “Oh, God, Tim is in the kitchen cooking.”

”So, just make yourself something else,” I suggest absently.

“No, he’s naked. He’s cooking naked, like that guy on the TV. Oh, my gosh, if he burns himself somewhere that might prevent him from having children in the future, I’ll be so pissed I’ll have to call you to take him to the hospital.”

“Tell him to put his pants back on,” I laugh.

”I swear, I’m not a girlfriend, I’m a mother,” she snits, “Look, I have to go before he hurts himself or my kitchen.”

“Okay, Tigger, remind him how much he likes Mere and that he’ll want to cook with pants on if he wants to have some of his own,” I tease her, “I’ll call you tomorrow to make arrangements for Thursday, okay?”

“Yep, love you.”

“Love you, too.”

As soon as I’ve put the phone back on the charger, there’s a knock at the door. Rolling my eyes, I shout towards it. “Nathan, it’s open, just come in!”

The door doesn’t open, but the knocking continues, so I stomp out of the living room towards it. “I swear, he bought this damn house and he can’t even come in without knocking.”

Throwing the door open, I’m actually pretty surprised to see Lola standing there, especially since Luke is nowhere to be seen.

“Lola, hi,” I drawl out slowly, “Did I forget something?”

She smiles, a little shyly at me. “No, I just wanted to come over and talk with you, if that’s okay,” she requests. Nodding, I usher her into the house. “I’m sorry to bother you. If this is a bad time, I can go.”

“No, it’s the perfect time, Meredith isn’t here, so the house is quiet,” I smile, curious enough to want her to stay now.

We go into the kitchen, and I pour her a glass of wine as we sit down at the table. “Thank you,” she smiles, seeming to relax a little.

”So, what’s up?”

“Well, Luke’s birthday is coming up soon,” she notes, drumming her fingers absentmindedly on the table, “And I was hoping to throw him a surprise party. I just didn’t know if that would be stepping on anyone’s toes or something.”

“Not mine,” I grin, “Gosh, I haven’t been to a surprise party in forever, it sounds like fun. And Luke would think it was the greatest thing ever.”

“Really?” she beams, “Oh, good, I just want to do something special for him! I wasn’t sure if you or Karen or maybe even Brooke and Tim did anything for him.”

Laughing, I shake my head. “Nothing set, at least. Well, you know what, I’ve been gone for a couple of years, but I doubt they’ve done anything formal. Dan would probably be the one with set plans, anyway, but those would be something like going to a coaches clinic or a fantasy camp.”

She grins. “So you think this would be something he’d like?”

“Like? Oh, you have much to learn about my best friend,” I grin, “Luke is a vain, bratty man, and he will absolutely love it that you’d want to do this for him. I promise, he’ll be thrilled.”

“Oh, great,” she laughs, “This is so fun. My sister was the last person I threw a surprise party, and that was an absolute disaster. I figure there is nowhere to go but up.”

“What happened at Marissa’s party?” I ask, smiling at her.

“She thought that Mom was out of town for the weekend visiting family here, actually, so she came in, mid make-out session with this guy my mom and Jason loathe. I only met him at the party, and he seemed fine, just embarrassed, but they think he’s scum. Anyway, it was pretty embarrassing for everyone, and really traumatizing for Riss.”

“How old was she?” I ask, thinking of how bad that must’ve been.

“Eighteen,” Lola sighs, “It was terrible. My mom is still pissed at me for talking her into it. I just thought it’d be fun.”

“Oh, that’s awful,” I laugh, “Is it really terrible that it’s a little funny?”

She shakes her head. “God, no, Jase and I laughed for hours about Mom’s expression when she saw Riss with her shirt off and that guy trying to unhook her bra.”

“It was that bad?” I ask, eyes wide, “I’d have died if my parents had walked in on me when I was eighteen. Actually, it would’ve been Nathan’s parents, but that would’ve somehow been worse!”

“Your parents never caught you?” she laughs, “My mom caught me twice. I was in college, though, so it wasn’t as traumatizing as it was for her with Riss. Plus, I’m not the baby.”

“I swear, I’m never letting Mere date,” I shudder, picturing the scenarios.

“Good luck stopping her!”

“Oh, you’re right. I’ll just sic Nathan on her. He’ll be even more freaked out than me, especially since he knows more about what teenagers might be doing at any given time,” I laugh, shaking my head. “But if I ever catch her like that, I’ll kill her for giving me a heart attack.”

“I think you’ve got a while to go before you have to start worrying about that,” she smiles, taking a sip of her wine.

“Thank goodness,” I sigh, “She’s just a baby. I can’t even imagine her in kindergarten, let alone high school and dating.”

“She’s a gorgeous little girl,” she smiles, her finger tracing around the edge of the wine glass. “Can I ask you something else?”

“Yeah, of course,” I agree.

“If I throw this party, would it be awkward for you if I invited my family?” she asks.

At first, it doesn’t occur to me exactly what she means. Tim’s family, who actually lives her, springs to mind. Of course, it doesn’t take long for me to hit on her actual thought, and I shake my head. “No, Lola, it’s fine. All of that stuff was a long time ago. Luke was just saying that since you’ve met all his family and heard all his embarrassing stories that he wanted to meet yours.”

“He did?” she smiles, brushing a strand of hair off her face. “That’s really nice. Sometimes it’s so hard to gauge where I stand with him.”

“That’s Luke,” I smile, “He’s a bit of a stonewall.”

“Is that because of what happened with Brooke?” she asks, “I know they were married, but it’s not something I’ve been very comfortable asking about. Not even Tim, since he and Brooke are dating now.”

“You should ask them,” I encourage, “They’re all over it, definitely. Tim, Brooke, and Luke are somehow the best of friends now. Don’t ask me, I don’t understand it.”

“You don’t think that had something to do with the shell that he’s got around him?” she persists, “Because it ended in divorce?”

“I don’t know,” I sigh, crinkling my nose in though, “Maybe a little. I don’t know what he’s told you about his past relationships, but Brooke is the only serious one. And I know he isn’t hung up on her now, but maybe he figures that if it can’t work with her, then maybe it won’t with anyone. But listen, I know he really cares about you, and I think you two have a good thing going. Stick with him.”

“Yeah, definitely,” she grins, “He’s a keeper, isn’t he?”

“He’ll think so,” I laugh, shrugging, “Eh, Luke’s basically my brother. No, he is my brother, in all the ways that count. He’s a really good guy, and I think any girl would be lucky to get him, so I guess all I can say is hang on.”

“He’s really glad you’re here,” she confides, “You know that, right?”

“He mentioned it,” I smile, “And I’m glad, too. As much as I’m glad for Mere, that she’ll grow up knowing him better than if we’d stay in Seattle, I’m really glad for myself, too. I told him once when he was leaving for college that I’d miss him more than anyone, and that was definitely true in some ways. There was no one else that I could be the person I am with him.”

“Swing Blaster?” she asks with a smirk.

”Who told you?” I half-yell before bursting out laughing, “It was Keith, wasn’t it? He always tells people how Luke broke his arm when we were playing that.”

“It was,” she confirms, laughing, “Funny, Luke has the same reaction when someone says that phrase to him.”

“Well, he should. He was the idiot that didn’t jump off the swing,” I laugh, shaking my head at the memories. That is one day I’ll never forget.

“He can still be an idiot,” she smiles, the covers her mouth, “Oh, God, is it okay for me to say that? I know we haven’t been dating that long, so maybe it’s not okay.”

“No, it’s fine,” I grin, “Hey, you only speak the truth, right?”

She nods. “I know that you’ve said that you don’t hate me and all, but I guess sometimes I’m still a little uncomfortable,” she admits, and it is obvious that it costs her a lot to do so, “I treated you badly, and there’s a lot of history there. And now I’m dating your best friend, who is basically your brother, and we’re in a position to be close again. You know, before everything happened, I sort of took it for granted that we would be good friends.”

“I know, me too,” I agree, chewing lightly on my lower lip, “And I really am sorry about how things turned out back then. I should’ve never let things get to the point they did, but I guess it all came down to me not really knowing who I was and what I wanted. Or admitting it, at least.”

“You were young,” she offers, “Barely legal. God, at twenty-one I had two boyfriends at two different schools and I was using makeup to cover up a tattoo so my mom wouldn’t kill me. It’s not exactly unfathomable that you wouldn’t know exactly what you wanted.”

“Maybe it was worse than that,” I shrug, “Maybe I did know. That’s always been the thing that bothered me the most, which might be surprising. But it is, in some ways. Thinking that I forced a relationship with your brother because I thought I couldn’t have Nathan. It’s always seemed so awful, so cold. I hated myself over that for quite awhile after the almost wedding.”

“He knew.” I look up at her sharply. “He never said so, but I think he did. He just didn’t care, or thought that would change over time.” She shrugs, “It didn’t, but it’s worked out fine for both of you. And like you said, it was a long time ago. You can only go forward.”

“Life is so weird,” I remark, picking up my glass, “If someone had told me six months ago that I’d be sitting here with you talking about the things we’ve talked about tonight, I would have laughed in their face in complete disbelief.”

“Me, too,” she grins, clinking her glass into mine, “Well, I’m glad, though. This is good, and I’m glad that we can put all that junk behind us and hopefully be friends. If not because I’m someone you’d actually want to be friends with, then because I’m dating your brother slash best friend and my cousin is one of your other best friends.”

“So I suppose this could be considered entrapment,” I laugh.

”Hey, don’t sue,” she grins, “My brother’s a lawyer now.”

“Ouch, threatened with legal action. And it’s only the first date,” I smirk, almost jumping out of my skin when I hear the front door open.

“Nice one,” she laughs.

“Mama!” I hear Mere yelling, and I smile at Lola.

“And there goes the neighborhood, little miss loudmouth is home.” She grins back at me. “In the kitchen, sweets.”

Meredith comes barreling in, stopping short when she sees Lola. They’ve met a few times, but it has been awhile, so Mere puts on the shy act, slipping her thumb into her mouth and scooting over to attach herself to my legs.

“Mere, say hi to Lola. She’s Uncle Luke’s friend, remember?” She shakes her head, and I roll my eyes at Lola who just grins back at me. “Okay, sweets, where’s your daddy at?”

“Dunno,” she shrugs, looking up at me.

“You don’t know?” I tease her, “Did you lose him?” Giggling, she shakes her head. Nathan comes wandering in at that moment, and I point him out to her. “There he is! I guess you just forgot him, huh?”

“Hey, Hales, I need to ask – oh, sorry, I didn’t realize you had company,” he stops, looking between us awkwardly.

“It’s fine, Nathan,” I smile, getting up to hug him, “This is your brother’s girlfriend, Lola. Lola, this is Nathan.”

He smiles at that. “You must be a saint, then, if you can put up with him.”

“Why do people keep saying that?” she asks, confused.

Nathan and I just look at each other, smiling. “It’s nothing,” I assure her, “We all love and adore Luke. He’s just – he’s, um – Nathan, help me here.”

“Difficult?”

“Yes, that’s a good word for it!”

“Thanks!” Nathan grins, and I roll my eyes at him.

“Difficult?” she questions, then shakes her head, “You know what? I bet that I don’t even want to know, right? Okay, well, speaking of my boyfriend, I should get over there. I’m taking him to the movies tonight.”

“Have fun,” I smile at her, “And thank you for coming over and talking, I really appreciate you doing that.”

“Likewise,” she smiles, “And if you have any party suggestions, I’m all ears.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. See you later, Lola.”

I walk her out to her car, thanking her again for stopping by. When I get back in the house, I find Nathan in the living room with Mere, reclining on the floor while looking at one of her books.

“Can I join you two?” I ask quietly, relieved when not only Mere squeals her approval, but Nathan smiles his. “Thanks.”

“Luke has a girlfriend, huh?” he asks, looking over at me.

“Yeah, he does. A few months now, I think,” I tell him, “She’s Tim’s cousin.” I wait to see if he puts two and two together, but his face remains blank. “Jason’s sister.”

“Oh,” he mutters, “How’d that come about?”

“She moved to Tree Hill awhile ago, sometime earlier this year, apparently, and he met her through Brooke and Tim. She and Brooke are pretty close now, I guess.”

“Best friend competition?” he teases.

“Well, since I’m a bit of a best friend hoarder, I guess I can’t really complain, right?” I smile, rolling onto my back.

“I guess not,” he agrees. “How’d the interview go?” he changes the subject.

”It was good, really good,” I grin, propping myself up on my elbows, “You are looking at the new senior consultant for Sterling Architecture and Design.”

“No shit?” he grins back at me, making an oops face when he realizes Mere is sitting there between us, “That’s great, Hales. Why aren’t we celebrating?”

“I had a glass of wine,” I shrug, “I don’t really need anything else. And I think Brooke is going to drag me over for dinner with them next week.”

“Haley, that’s pathetic,” he tells me, arching a brow, “You just got your dream job, and you have a glass of wine to celebrate by yourself? And you might have dinner with friends next week? You can do better than that.”

“Oh, and what do you suggest?” I ask, laughing.

“Got any ice cream?” he asks, laughing when Meredith immediately starts asking for ice cream, too. “Because I think sundaes are the order of the day, don’t you?”

“Why the heck not?” I smile, letting him pull me to my feet, “What better reason to eat a bunch of gooey sweets, right, Mere?”

“Yummy!” she smiles, following behind us as Nathan propels me towards the kitchen, “Ice cweam!”

“Yeah, I know you like ice cream,” Nathan smiles at her, picking her up to set her in her chair, “I’ll get yours first.”

“You do realize you’re going to have to stick around here and give her a bath when she’s covered in ice cream and chocolate sauce after this,” I inform him archly, hiding a smile.

“Am I going to have to give you one, too?” he laughs, raising an eyebrow suggestively. It takes me so far aback that I don’t even know how to respond to that. all it does is make me wish Mere wasn’t in the room so I could confront him and see if I can find out why he’s either shoving me away from him or flirting like we’re back in high school.

It really is wonderful to sit here with the two of them munching on ice cream and cookies, that Nathan insists we need, just acting like a normal family that doesn’t live separately for a change. But the thought that we’re anything but normal is never far from the front of mind, no matter how hard I try and push it away.

When we’re done eating, Mere is, as predicted, a very sticky mess. Looking at Nathan, I just smile at him as he picks her up, trying to hold her far enough away that she doesn’t turn him into a mess, too.

“When you two are done, can we talk, Nathan?” I ask quietly.

”Yeah, I’ll go ahead and put her to bed after she’s cleaned up,” he agrees, “Meet you down here?”

“No, I’ll come up with you so I can say goodnight, too,” I smile, following them up the stairs, “Besides, someone’s going to have to get you a towel once she’s splashed all the water out of the tub and onto you.”

“Yeah, laugh it up,” he grins, “She’ll get you tomorrow night.”

As predicted, she does make quite a mess everywhere, but it is just as much fun as eating ice cream together, and I know that Nathan doesn’t mind that he’s soaked from practically head to toe. Once we get her in bed, I pull him down the hall to the master bedroom – my room – and drag him over to the dresser.

”Some of your clothes are still here,” I explain quietly, “You look like you could use a fresh, or at least dry, outfit.”

“Thanks,” he replies equally quietly, his eyes not leaving me even as I turn to pull out some sweats and a t-shirt for him. I can feel the heat of his gaze on my back, practically boring holes in me with its intensity.

“No problem. They are your clothes, Nathan. This is your house.”

“Haley,” he sighs.

“What? What did I say that was wrong now?”

“Nothing, it’s nothing. Not you, me.”

“What is you? What is going on, I don’t understand, Nathan. I’ve let you push me away for a month now, accepting that maybe this is something you need to do for your treatment. But that doesn’t make sense, because part of that is to work through your problems with the people who love you.” Shaking my head, I move to sit down on the bed. “I just don’t understand why you don’t want me to help you, Nathan. Will you at least explain that?”

“I – I don’t know what to say,” he sighs, avoiding my gaze.

“Just tell me what’s going on!” I exclaim, “I just want to know why you’re pushing me away when I know you need me!”

“Haley, don’t do this,” he sighs, sitting down beside me, “Please don’t push me on this right now, okay?”

“No, it isn’t okay. I don’t understand, and it hurts me that you won’t even tell me why I can’t help you, why you’ve decided I can’t be involved.” Grabbing his hands, I squeeze them in mine until he looks over at me. “Nathan, I deserve an explanation.”

“Yeah, I know what you deserve,” he sighs, closing his eyes, “You deserve a hell of a lot better than what I’ve given you, what I’ve done to you.”

”Nathan!” I try to interrupt, but he shakes his head, stopping me.

“No, you want to know? I’m going to tell you,” he insists, “You don’t deserve the lies and the drugs and the hurt that I’ve heaped on you the last year. You don’t, and all I’m doing now is making sure that it doesn’t keep touching you. Don’t you get it? I can’t be leaning on you for this, and I can’t accept anything from you. I need to keep you away from this, away from me.”

I know the hurt is showing on my face, and he looks away, focusing on something out the window. “So now you think you get to decide my life? Is that what this is about, you get to tell me what I can and can’t do?”

“That isn’t what this is about at all,” he growls, “And you know it!”

“It isn’t? Really?” He nods. “Then what is it about? Tell me, Nathan? Say it, I want to hear it, I want to know why I’m so whatever that you won’t even talk to me anymore!”

“Because I made you cry!” he yells, looking seconds away from a meltdown, “Because I hurt you so bad with some of the things that I did, that you couldn’t even look at me when I tried to talk to you about it. That’ll never happen again, and this is how I know that I can keep that vow.”

“What?” I snap, pissed as hell, which surprises him more than anything else could’ve, “How dare you decide what is good for me and what isn’t! That is not your right, Nathan! Besides, do you really think ignoring it makes it hurt less? Because it doesn’t. You could avoid me forever, and that’s about the only way you could make it worse.”

“You don’t understand!” he exclaims, “I need to know that you’re protected from me, that’s something that I need for me as much as I need it for you!”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that I can’t worry about hurting you right now. It means that I have to focus on other things, and if I let you in, then I have to live with the constant fear that I’ll hurt you again, that I’ll make you cry when I bring it up and try and talk it out with you.” Sighing, he reaches out and pulls me to him. “God, when I saw you crying that afternoon in my apartment, it just hit home, Hales. How bad I messed up. What it did to you. And I couldn’t stand it, couldn’t stand myself.”

“So, what is your plan? Ignore it forever? Hope it goes away? I’m sorry that my crying upset you, but it’s not that big of a deal.”

“Maybe it won’t go away, but we can make it easier for you. That’s what this is about, making it easier on you.”

“How do you figure that’s working?” I snap, leaning into his touch before pulling back in shocked realization. “Oh. Oh, my God.”

“Haley, I’m sorry, this is just how – “

“You, you are breaking up with me, aren’t you? How – oh.”

“I already broke it all, broke us,” he whispers, tears in his eyes as he once again pulls me to him, “And now I’m just trying to do the right thing and let you go. You shouldn’t have to deal with my problems.”

“I love you!” I yell, trying to shove away from him, but he holds fast, “I love you and I want to help you! Do you even care about that at all? About what I want or need?”

“This way is for the best,” he tries to insist, his hands belying the words as they stroke over my back, his lips pressing in my hair.

“Why are you doing this?” I ask as I dissolve into tears, “You’re making this worse, and I don’t understand it.”

“No, this is better,” he says again, “I promise. It might not seem like it now, but it is. You’ll be free of me, and you won’t have to keep cleaning up your messes.”

“That’s not what I do!” I counter, “That’s not what I feel like I do! You – you are – Nathan, I love you. You’re my husband, in my heart, that’s what you are. And now you’re telling me that’s not good enough for you? That I don’t deserve to be with you?”

“That’s not it and you know it,” he sighs, his forehead resting against mine, “It’s the other way around. I don’t deserve you, and I don’t deserve to have you taking care of me and my mess. And I am a mess, even still. I don’t know when that will end even.”

I move out of his arms, standing up and moving halfway across the room, needing the comforting space the distance provides. “Is this – oh, I can’t believe this,” I giggle, hysteria bubbling just under the surface, “I – I’ve fought for you. And now you can’t even return that favor? What we have doesn’t warrant any fighting from you? God, what are you doing to me?”

“Haley, shh,” he murmurs, following me across the room, taking me in his arms. His head dips down, and his lips move across my cheeks, kissing away the tears. “I love you,” he admits, his voice cracking, “I love you so much.”

His lips find mine, and I can taste the saltiness of our intermingling tears. My arms wrap around his neck of their own volition, pulling him closer to me. His hands slide through my hair as his lips and tongue taste along my jaw. Standing on my tiptoes, as I press myself against him, instinctively rubbing my body against his.

“Taste good,” he murmurs, his teeth nipping at the sensitive skin of my earlobe. He lifts me in his arms, carrying me over to the bed that I still think of as ‘ours’, setting me down in the middle of it. He never got around to changing out of the wet clothes, and I can feel the damp heat of them practically scalding where they touch.

I pull his shirt over his head, moving to sit on my knees in front of him, pushing him down on the bed. Leaning over, I kiss his lips gently, reverently as I stretch out beside him, reveling in the feel of his warm body against mine.

When I sit up to pull my shirt off, he watches intently, his eyes darkening in the familiar passion that I know and love in him. As soon as the shirt is off, I lay down on him, my bra the only barrier between our upper bodies. He makes quick work of divesting me of that, and his hands come up to cup and caress the exposed skin.

“Nathan,” I moan, leaning over to kiss my way down his chest, my lips and tongue finding the nipple ring he still has, playing with it until he’s rolling his hips against my leg.

I kiss down his toned chest and stomach, pressing one last openmouthed kiss to the skin between his belly button and the top of his jeans. As I unbutton the jeans, he grips me by the hips, flipping me over so that I’m below him again. He lays half on top of me, one of his legs thrown over mine, anchoring them in place.

I squirm against him, moaning loudly as his mouth and hands and fingers tease across my breasts, eliciting keening moans and breathless sighs. “You taste good,” he says again, this time lifting his head to look at me, gifting me with the smoldering heat of his gaze.

He makes short work of removing my jeans, sliding them off my legs and tossing them over his shoulder, neither of us caring the least bit where they land. He’s back up over me, spreading my legs so that he can lay in between them, eliciting gasps from both of us at the contact.

“Need you,” I whisper in his ear as he buries his face in the crook of my neck, inhaling deeply, “I need you so bad, Nathan. Inside me, now.”

He takes a few deep breaths before nodding, pulling away momentarily to divest himself of his jeans and boxers. When he returns, all that’s left is the thin barrier of the silk of my panties, and before I can blink, he’s sliding them down my legs, murmuring something in my ear.

“Love you,” he whispers, trailing his lips from my ear to mine, kissing me deeply as he comes inside me.

“Love you, too,” I moan, my arms tightening around him. “So much.”

~*~

When I wake in the morning, blissfully naked and warm in his arms, it takes a minute for me to shake the sleep out of my brain and realize what is going on. Why this morning feels a little different, a little better, than other mornings have felt recently.

One of his arms is under my head; not the most comfortable pillow, but I wouldn’t trade it for all the down pillows in the world. His head is resting against my breast, his cheek right over my heart. His leg is again thrown over mine, anchoring me against him, as if he was afraid I’d leave during the night. His free hand is on my hip, tracing such light circles over the skin there that I have to bite my lip to prevent myself from giggling at the ticklish sensation.

“You’re awake,” he comments sleepily when I shift slightly against him.

“Mm, so are you,” I respond, tilting my head forward to meet his lips as he raises them to mine, “Good morning.”

“Mmhmm, good morning,” he agrees, his head dropping back down to its spot on me. “Good night, too.”

“Nathan,” I smile, even though what led up to us being in bed together was anything but good, tightening my arms around him. “This doesn’t fix things, does it?” I ask quietly.

“No, it doesn’t,” he agrees, sighing as he rolls away from me, “It can’t, Hales. It can’t fix in me what I’ve broken. I have to figure out how to do that myself.”

“I’m trying to understand,” I assure him, “But I don’t know if I can. It just doesn’t make sense that you don’t want me to be a part of this with you, that I can’t be there for you.”

“Oh, Haley J, it would be so easy for me to let you fix everything,” he smiles at me, bittersweet, “And I want to, I wish I could. It wouldn’t be right if you did; I have to find my own path in this, my own way.”

“And I’m not part of that path?”

“I don’t know yet. Maybe part of this path is me setting you free to find your own way,” he says seriously, and I know he’s thought about this a lot, “Maybe I shouldn’t be on your path anymore.”

“I can’t believe you’re saying that after last night,” I sigh, willing back the tears, “Did it – what was that? Goodbye? One last fuck before you leave me again, push me away?”

“Please don’t say it like that,” he pleads, staring intently at me, “It isn’t like that, it never has been for me. Never.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice quavering, “I’m trying – I’ve been trying to be what you need, and I don’t understand how I’m not. My only concern is you, getting you better.”

“I know, Haley, I do know that. And if possible, I love you even more for it. You have no idea. Right now, though, I need you to give me space.”

“Like sleeping with me. That’s taking your space, right?” I mutter.

“I couldn’t help it,” he shrugs, “I wanted you so bad, and I couldn’t stop. I had to be with you, had to touch and taste and feel you in my arms, against me, in my mouth. I needed that.”

“Please don’t push me away,” I try again, rolling over to lay on top of him, my hands framing my face as I gaze down at him.

“I can’t stand to hurt you again,” he whispers, “And I don’t trust that I won’t right now. I don’t trust that I won’t mess everything up all over again.”

“That’s a chance I’m ready and willing to take,” I assure him, “I know this isn’t going to be easy, and I know we’re going to fight. I know there are things we have to talk about and deal with that are going to hurt and upset both of us. That’s just the name of the game when you’re in a relationship, Nathan. And we are, and you don’t get to end it because you think I can’t handle it. That’s BS. At least tell the truth; you’re the one who can’t handle it right now.”

“Maybe I can’t,” he agrees, his hands coming up to caress my back, “I don’t know how to protect you from this, from the things I’ve done and the man I’ve become because of this.”

“I already know the man you are,” I assure him quietly, pressing kisses over his brow, “And I love him. I wouldn’t want him any other way. Let me in, Nathan, let me help you.”

“What if I fall off the wagon?” he asks, “What if it’s worse? Some of those guys at the facility, they’ve been there three or four other times. What if that’s me? What if I can’t get this to stick? I can’t put you through that again.”

“I’m not leaving you this time, Nathan. I made that mistake once, but I won’t make it again,” I sigh, kissing the corner of his mouth, “And if you fall off the wagon, I’m going to be here to pick you. I promise.”

Taking a deep breath, he nods, his arms tightening around me possessively. “Thank you,” he whispers in my ear, “Thank you so much.”

I let him thank me, even though I don’t need his appreciation, because he needs to give it. If he can finally believe in me, know that I won’t leave him, that his recovery is as important to him as it is to me, then maybe he’ll continue to let me in. That’s all I can ask for right now, and it is enough.

Chapter 14

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