Getting It All Back

By Brynne

Chapter Eleven – Knocking on Heaven’s Door

‘Baby, stay right here with me...

'Cause I can't see you anymore...

This ain't the way it's supposed to be...

I feel I'm knocking on heaven's door...’ – B. Dylan

~*~Mid July, 2013~*~

After an hour at the hospital, the same hospital where all of this started, with no word on Nathan’s condition, I call Melissa and ask her to come pick up Meredith and let her spend the night with her family. She readily agrees, and promises to get here as quickly as possible, and since she and Damien have a penthouse in one of the more exclusive buildings downtown, it doesn’t take long.

“Haley!” she exclaims when she sees me, rushing over to where I’m sitting, Mere cradled on my lap as I stare blankly at the wall. “Oh, my gosh, honey,” she sighs, sympathy in her eyes and in her voice.

“Hi,” I offer wanly, “I’m so sorry to bother you again. You’ve been so wonderful to me, to us. I owe you so much, Mel.”

“Hey, that’s what friends are for, Haley,” she smiles, leaning down to kiss Mere on the forehead. Meredith, knowing something is going on, has been unusually quiet since I put her in the car so we could follow the ambulance to the hospital. “How are you holding up?”

I shake my head, unsure how to answer. Unsure how my voice will even sound if I tried, and I don’t want to scare Mere anymore than she already is. “I’m okay,” I finally manage to choke out, but we both know otherwise.

“Any word yet?” she asks softly.

I shake my head. “No one will even talk to me; I have no clue what is going on. It’s just – what do I do? I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know how I can help him. And Mere, she’s – well, you know, this isn’t, she shouldn’t be hanging around here with me, especially when I’m like this. Such a mess. No place for a child.”

“Have you called your family? If you haven’t, I can do that for you, let them know what is going on. And I’ll take her whenever you’re ready.”

“I called Nathan’s parents; they’re both on their way, and I’m sure his brother will be, too. Maybe some of our friends.” I sigh, brushing my hair out of my face. “I’m not sure, but I know his parents and Luke will be here as soon as they can.”

“Good, that’s good,” she promises, “They’ll be able to help you with everything, and until they get here, Damien and I will help in any way we can. We’re both really worried about Nathan. I think once I get back to the house to be with the kids, Damien will come down here. You know he thinks of Nathan as a brother to him.”

“I know, thanks,” I manage to smile at her. It really isn’t lost on me how much of a godsend she has been throughout all this, throughout all of the time we’ve been here in Seattle. I owe her more than I will ever be able to repay. “It’d be nice to have someone here, someone who cares about Nathan, too.”

“You don’t have to thank us,” she smiles, “We’re happy to be here for you. Honestly, Haley, if there is anything I can do, just let me know. We are so more than willing to help you out if we can. Taking Mere is just the tip of the iceberg.”

“Make sure Mere’s okay? I don’t know what else there is to do,” I sigh, “And frankly, I hope there isn’t much else, you know? Not that you guys, you especially, haven’t been great, but…” I trail off, sighing.

She nods, her face grave at the implications. “There won’t be, Haley. Nathan will be fine, he’s a fighter. It’ll be okay.”

I nod, needing to believe that right now. It’s just scary, to sit here with no knowledge of what is going on, only having been told by nurses and other staff that as soon as possible, a doctor would be out to talk to me. Yet no one has come out, no one even looks at me and Mere as they hurry by.

“It’s been awhile, though,” I sigh, it just being too hard to think positive right now, “And I still don’t know anything. No one wants to tell me what’s going on, if he’s – well, anything, and it’s really freaking me out.”

She nods, holding her hands out to Mere, who willingly goes to her. She’s probably glad to get away from me – I’m so stressed and shaken and afraid right now, I know she feels it. I hate that she has to, but what else could I do? Leaving her at home wasn’t an option.

“Let me go talk to them, okay? Is there anyone else that you need to call now? Your family, more friends?” she asks, bouncing Mere a little causing her to smile.

“I don’t know, I don’t really want to talk to anyone right now.”

“You must’ve turned your cell phone off,” she deduces, “Everyone must be pretty frantic in trying to get a hold of you right now.”

“I threw it in the lake earlier,” I admit sheepishly. I have Nathan’s phone in my pocket, which is what I used to call Dan and Deb earlier. Surprisingly, I remembered to grab that in my rush to get Mere ready and out the door to get here. “I didn’t like what someone had to say to me, and I threw a little tantrum.”

“You’re entitled,” she shrugs, “If that’s the worst you have to do to let off a little steam, believe me, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I probably killed a fish or something,” I sigh.

“Sit tight, I’ll be right back, okay?” she asks, Mere still with her. I nod, doing my best to give Mere a smile as she stares at me. I know that I need to give her some reassurance that things are okay, that I’m okay, that Nathan is okay, but I’m not doing a good job of it right now.

I stand up, pacing a bit in front of the chairs I’d been sitting on. I hate this helpless feeling, I hate that it has been so present in my life lately. I hate that it was barely over a month ago when I was in this exact same position, in the waiting area for the hospital emergency room, waiting to hear word on Nathan.

Despite everything I’ve seen and done since, including going to the morgue to possibly identify his body and everything in Vegas, it certainly doesn’t make any of this easier. I don’t know why the thought that it should has occurred to me, but I know that it doesn’t. Nothing prepares you for this, even having been through it before.

It’s worse, this time, in a way. Because now I’m wondering things that really induce the guilt. What if he was using again, and I didn’t know it? What if he was using with Mere in the house, even though he swore he wasn’t? What if he wasn’t using, and I let him convince me he was fine physically when he wasn’t? What if me forcing him to see a doctor would’ve made some sort of difference? Too many questions, and because no one will talk to me about his condition, no answers.

I just want to know if he’s okay. If he’s awake. If he’s breathing. The medics assured me he probably hadn’t stopped breathing since he was when they got there, but he was so still that it seemed like it. One of them explained to me that his respiration rate was increased and his breaths were shallow, which is a side effect of amphetamines apparently, and that was probably why it seemed like he wasn’t breathing to me. A small comfort only, but at least it was something.

When I see Melissa coming back with Mere, I force myself to stop pacing and paste a smile on my face for my daughter’s benefit. “Hi baby,” I murmur, reaching out for her. She smiles back and wraps her arms around my neck when I have her in my arms.

“We found a nurse,” Melissa tells me, “She said she’d find a doctor and send them out to talk to you. She agreed that this is a ridiculous amount of time to wait for news when your loved one is in the emergency room.”

“Oh, thank you, Mel.” She reaches out and squeezes my hand, and I have to fight back tears. “Maybe you could take Mere out of here now? I just don’t know what’s going on, and if it isn’t good news, I don’t want her to see that.”

She sighs, nodding. “Yeah, of course. We can go home and play with the kids. You’d like that, right, kiddo?”

“She’d love that,” I smile, “She really misses Eric, her cousin, who she’s been harassing in Tree Hill. She could use some time to be around children again. I think I’m a bit boring for her.”

”Not into running around like a crazy child on too much sugar does not make you boring,” Melissa smiles, “But I know what you mean. And the kids would love to see her. She can stay with us for as long as you need.”

“Thank you,” I murmur, kissing Mere’s forehead, “Even if Nathan’s parents and brother come to town, everyone will want to be here, I think. I’m sure they’ll offer to stay with her, but I don’t want them to not be here. And she’s probably better off not constantly being around the stress this situation puts us all under.”

“You’re welcome, and she’ll be fine.” She grins. “Damien will take it as an opportunity to spoil the kids rotten, but she’ll be fine.”

“I know. I just, I don’t know,” I sigh as Mere lays her head on my shoulder, her eyelids drooping, “It’s selfish, but a part of me feels better having her here. She gives me something else to think about, something to worry about besides whether or not Nathan is going to wake up. Isn’t that awful? That I want to consider keeping her here just so I have her. And what if – what if Nathan isn’t – and he wants to see her.”

”Haley, don’t think those things!” she warns me quietly, “Don’t think them, and don’t say them. It won’t do you any good.”

“I’m trying, I am. It’s just that Murphy’s law is in effect here, and anything that can go wrong, has and probably will continue to.”

“It has to get better at some point,” she shrugs, “Law of averages, right?”

I have to laugh at that, which surprises me. “I can’t believe you made me laugh! And why am I such a dork that math jokes are still funny?”

“I can’t either,” she admits with a smile, “And I can’t imagine why you’d laugh at my math jokes.” Even Mere joins in by giggling, although she has no clue why.

“Miss James?” a doctor interrupts.

I glance up, all the fear returning at full force, slamming into me. Melissa clears her throat, holding her arms out for Mere, who I gratefully hand over. “We’ll call you soon, Haley. Oh, your phone!”

“It’s okay, I have Nathan’s. Damien must have the number, right?”

”Oh, I’m sure he does.” She grabs my hand, squeezing it tight. “It’s going to be okay. Just keep some faith, please?”

“I’ll try,” I nod, leaning over to kiss Mere goodbye. “You be good for Melissa and Damien, okay, sweets?”

“Bye-bye Mommy!”

“Bye, baby, I love you.” Once they’re out of sight, I turn to the doctor. “I’m so sorry, it’s just that she’s so young, and I don’t want – if – well, I don’t want her to hear this.”

“That’s fine, Miss James. Now, let me tell you about Mr. Scott’s condition,” he returns gravely, “I can’t sugarcoat it, Mr. Scott has put his body through a lot.”

“The drugs,” I surmise, rubbing my forehead wearily.

“Yes, amphetamines are an extremely dangerous drug. More so than most people would recognize,” he sighs, glancing down to consult the notes on his clipboard, “And Mr. Scott combined those with steroids and cocaine, which are also dangerous in their own ways. Cocaine is particularly dangerous to mix with the amphetamines as they’re both stimulants. Stimulants push your body to the limit. The heart rate increases, as do blood pressure and respiration rates. He’s probably also experienced headaches and dry mouth and rising body temperature, the latter of which can lead to more severe problems.”

“Is that what happened to Nathan?” I ask, confused by what exactly he’s saying.

“In part, yes, but that’s not all of it. He’s been using these for quite awhile from what I understand, which is evident from the severity of this case.” I let out an involuntary gasp at that.

This case. He says it so evenly, so calmly, with no emotion or even real interest behind it. Nathan is just another body filling a bed in his hospital, earning him money, and he doesn’t even really care if he gets better. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me, stated his credentials, his relevance to Nathan’s condition, nothing.

“As I was saying,” he continues, “Mr. Scott, while an athlete, has put tremendous pressure on his body. The stress of amphetamines – “

“Doctor, I’m very sorry to interrupt you,” I snap, “But before you go much further into your lecture, I would really like to know what Nathan’s current condition is. I don’t think that is too much to ask at all.”

“We’ve put Mr. Scott into a drug induced coma,” the doctor says, his tone disapproving and condescending as hell, clearly not caring about how I’d react to that. “He had a seizure on the ambulance ride here, but we have ruled out cerebral hemorrhaging. We are still checking into whether there is long-term kidney damage, though, another common side effect of amphetamine use. Inducing a coma is a precautionary tactic to prevent further seizing and to give his body time to rest while he stabilizes.”

“Oh, my God,” I breathe. A seizure! A coma! “I – I don’t really understand what that means exactly. Is he okay? Is a drug-induced coma something that he can be brought out of when you deem him ready?“

“There are no indications that anything more serious will develop, aside from the possibility of kidney damage. Which we should be able to rule out shortly.” He looks up, actually at me, for the first time. “He’s very lucky. We did an ECG, and compared it to the results from last month, and there are no aberrations or changes to that. We’ll do another echocardiogram and an ETT to verify no complications to the heart. He’s lost weight, but that’s to be expected with amphetamine use. I’m sure it isn’t much comfort to you, but aside from the seizure, Mr. Scott does appear healthy, and the coma is more of a way to assure he stays healthy and doesn’t injure himself with another seizure.”

“How long until we can find out if there was kidney damage?” I ask, hesitant to accept this good news at face value.

“We’ve already started running the tests on kidney function, and we should know if there are indicators of this shortly. Even if there is damage, it won’t necessarily be severe or permanent. If we knew how often and how high his temperature was spiking, I’d be able to give you a more educated guess on possible damage, but since we don’t, it is best to wait for the tests.”

“So, the damage would result from increase in body temperature? How severe do the increases have to be to cause damage?” I ask, trying to think if there were ever times when Nathan could’ve been feverish.

“Dangerous increases in temperature can lead to muscle breakdown in the kidneys, which is obviously damage. But we don’t know if there is damage yet, and there’s no need to speculate on it now.”

“But you wouldn’t have mentioned it or taken the precaution of the induced coma if you didn’t suspect otherwise,” I reason, wrapping my arms around myself, “And I just want to know the odds here. What are the odds there is kidney damage? What are the odds that he’ll have another seizure? What are the odds there is other kind of damage?”

“We think that there is an excellent chance he will make a full recovery, Ms. James, we really do. He’s young, healthy, and despite the abuse he’s heaped on his body, he’s in excellent shape. I think physically he’s going to be fine.”

“Physically.”

“Well, yes, physically. There are psychological implications of long-term drug abuse, not to mention social and emotional. Have you looked into treatment options?”

“We’ve discussed it a little, and he’s agreed to enter a program. He, uh, actually has no choice in the matter at this point.”

“Okay, well, despite the circumstances, it is the best thing for him.”

I nod, not willing to encourage this conversation. Of course I know that a treatment program is what’s best for Nathan. But this is an ER doctor, perhaps specialized in something relavent to Nathan’s care – not that he’s deigned to tell me – but he’s not a counselor, and I don’t want to discuss this with him.

“Is – has he been using in the last day or so?” I ask, more afraid than I care to admit what the answer will be.

“No, the tox screen does show drugs present, but they weren’t amounts that would indicate recent use. I’d guess he has used in at least two, maybe three days.”

”Can I see him?”

He nods. “Yes, of course. We’ve moved him up to the intensive care unit, but that will only be until he’s brought out of the coma. Now, we’ve inserted a breathing tube, and he’s hooked up to quite a few monitors as well as the standard IVs. If you’d like, a nurse would be happy to explain each of them to you.”

“Um, no, that’s okay, I just really want to see him. Maybe later?”

“Of course.” He nods at me. “Well, check with the nurses’ station for his room number and directions to it. They’ll be able to help you.”

“Yeah, thanks,” I sigh, watching as he turns and briskly walks away. “Nice bedside manner, jackass.”

“That’s Dr. Schneider,” a nurse says, “His bedside manner is a little lacking, huh?”

“Just a little,” I mutter.

“Well, we tell him that all the time, even pointing out that he’d probably get a lot more follow-up office visits if he was a little nicer to his patients and their families.” She smiles. “He really is a gifted doctor, though, and you should feel very comfortable to know your loved one is in his care.”

“Too bad it seems like he can’t even muster it up to care at all, though.” I glance over at her. “Thank you, though, that does help to know.”

She smiles kindly at me. “The nurses’ station is just down the hall if you want to find out your husband’s room number.”

I could correct her. Maybe I should. But it doesn’t matter right now, and there is still that part of me, that part of me that married him once and dreams of doing so again that would never correct an assumption like this.

“Thank you,” I nod, heading in the direction she pointed. I just want to get up to his room, sit by his bed, and hold his hand. I should step outside and call Dan and Deb, let them know the latest. They’ve probably not gotten a flight yet, and I could reach them. After getting the information on Nathan’s room from the nurse at the desk, I step outside to make the call, choosing to call Dan’s cell rather than Deb’s.

“Hello? Haley?”

“Yeah, hi Dan, it’s me.”

“What’s going on, how is he?”

“He’s going to be okay as far as the doctor can tell. It looks like the worst possibility is kidney damage, but he said there was an excellent chance for a full recovery.”

“Is he awake? How’s he feeling? Did the doctor tell you how long he’ll have to be in the hospital this time?”

“They put him into a drug induced coma,” I explain, wishing they were here and could speak with the doctor themselves, “He had a seizure, and they wanted to make sure he didn’t have another.”

“Okay. A seizure, my God,” Dan breathes out. It’s a lot to take in, I know, and I’m completely unqualified to even be repeating what was told to me. I’m sure I’m making little sense, especially since none of it made much sense when it was told to me.

“The doctor doesn’t think he’s been using since he got out of jail, though,” I relate, thinking that if there is any sort of silver lining in all this, that is it. That he didn’t lie to me, that he hadn’t started using again in Mere’s presence means something to me, perhaps more than it should.

“That’s, um, that’s something,” he acknowledges with a sigh, “How long will they keep him in this coma?”

“I’m not sure. Until the danger passes, it sounds like.”

“How are you and Meredith holding up?”

“I sent Mere off with a friend. The hospital is just not the place for a two year old to be all day and all night. And I’m – I’m doing okay. It’s hard,” I admit, “But at the same time, it could be a lot worse.”

“Oh, Deb and Luke are just getting back, and our plane is boarding. You just sit tight. We have all the hospital information, and we’ll see you there in the morning, okay?”

“Yeah, okay. I’m sorry I don’t have more information. I’m going to go sit with him for awhile, and then probably get Mere and go home for the night.”

“Okay, we’ll see you tomorrow. He’s going to be okay, you can probably take a breath now, Haley.”

“Yeah, I’ll try,” I agree. As soon as we hang up, I head for the elevators, intent on spending as much time at his bedside as possible. There’s a chance they might let me stay the night, and depending on how Mere is doing, I would consider it. Being here when he’s brought out of his coma is really important to me.

I enter his room slowly, cautiously, trying to brace myself. He looks bad, but not as bad as I’d expected. Except for the wires and tubes, he really does just look like he’s sleeping peacefully right now. And that’s a relief. His color is approaching normal, and his eyes don’t look quite as sunken in. Hydrating him alone has probably made a huge difference in those aspects. We should have come straight to the hospital when Mere and I walked into find him in the kitchen last night.

I pull a chair over to the side of his bed, sitting on the edge of it, just watching him. The IV doesn’t bother me, and the leads for all the monitoring equipment don’t faze me either. But seeing that breathing tube – even though I know it is to keep the airway open in case of another seizure – that is hard to see. It is so obtrusive, and looks painful, and I hate the thought that something else is hurting him.

“Oh, Nathan,” I sigh, taking his hand as gently as possible, taking care not to jostle anything, “Is this nightmare ever going to be over?”

There’s no answer, of course. Just the hum of the machines and the surprisingly comforting beep of the heart monitor.

“I want you to get better. I know that I’ve probably made things worse for you, by leaving with Mere, and maybe even by leaving you in Vegas. And I’m sorry for that, I am. You know, you have been my world for so long – God, you were my whole world until we were blessed with Mere – and I don’t know how to live without you. I never did. And the time I tried? I was so bad at it, I messed everything up. For both of us, too.

“And it scares me now, to think that there’s a chance I’m going to have to live the rest of my life without you. Whether that’s because you can’t get yourself together or because I don’t know how to get passed what’s happened I don’t know. It scares me, though. Terrifies me. And it feels like I’m trapped here, frozen almost, in this place where I can’t leave you, but I can’t commit to being with you, either.

“I need you to get better, Nathan. Not just from this, but I need you to get help and find a way to stay sober. Seeing you here, with that tube down your throat, I hate it. I hate this. All of it. You’re too good for this. You’re too good to do this to yourself. You should know that. You’re so much better than you ever accepted. And I – well, I never told you that. I should’ve, I could’ve, a thousand times, but I didn’t.”

Taking a deep breath, I lean forward, touching my forehead to the back of his hand. I kiss it softly before sitting back up, reaching a hand up to brush over his hair.

“Oh, Nathan, I’m sorry. Sorry I didn’t see this sooner, sorry that I didn’t know what to do when I found out. Sorry I can’t take it all away for you. And I’m even sorrier that I can’t guarantee that everything is going to be okay between us when you wake up. You know, there is this huge part of me that is screaming for me to do just that. To just ignore it all, try and forget, I don’t know. I love you, Nathan, that’s one of the only things I know that has always been true. I’ve loved you since I was sixteen. Isn’t that crazy?

“We were so young then, and we both did so many crazy, stupid things. But it never changed. I never, ever stopped loving you. No matter how far away you were, no matter who else was in our lives, it was always you. It all comes down to you, Nathan. Maybe that’s the way it is supposed to be. Scary thought, huh?”

I pause, taking a deep breath. I have his hand clasped tightly in one of mine, and the free hand is drifting between stroking his cheek or hair or shoulder.

“The doctor – he was a jerk, Nathan. You’d have hated him so much. He barely even looked at me. How rude, right? There I was with a sleepy two year old in my arms freaking out about whether or not you’re okay. I’m waiting down there in the ER waiting room for almost two hours, and when he finally comes out, he doesn’t even introduce himself. But he said you were going to be okay, he thinks. All this is just a precaution.

“But the nurse told me he’s a good doctor, so even though he’s rude, I won’t throw a fit like they do in the movies or on TV and demand a new doctor. As long as he takes good care of you, it doesn’t matter how rude or cold he is to me. Because all that matters to me right now is that you get better. I mean that.

“I sent Mere over to Damien and Melissa’s. She seemed thrilled by the idea, and it will be good for her to hang out with the kids again. Mel said that Damien would probably come see you. They’re worried about you. So many people are worried about you. It isn’t just me and Mere, you know. Sometimes I think you think that, that we’re all that cares for you. That’s just not true.

“Your parents are coming. Luke, too. I called them. I doubt you’ll like that much, but I had to. They deserve to be here for you, and more important, you deserve to have them here with you. They all love you, so much, and just want the best for you.”

Sitting back in the chair, I set his hand down so that I can brush the hair that has fallen forward off of my face. I don’t know where all this is coming from. Maybe it is easier to talk to him now when he can’t talk back, maybe I’ve just been holding everything in for so long that it has to come out. I don’t know, but I won’t question it too much because it feels good to say it, to talk to him, even if he can’t hear me.

These are things I should be saying to him when he’s awake, things we should be acknowledging and discussing together. But he’s not awake now, and I still need to say them. Even if only to myself.

“Maybe they’ll wake you up soon,” I continue hopefully, “Meredith would love to see you, we both know that. She was so happy yesterday when we came back to the house and there you were. And you know what? I don’t think I even admitted it to myself at the time, but I was happy, too. Relieved and happy. I was so scared – at least when you were in Vegas, Dan was there. And he could keep tabs on you. But when he left, and they released you from jail, I didn’t know.

“I didn’t know if you’d hit the streets again, if you’d go back to the hotel, find those – those people you had there with you or what. And I was honestly not sure if that life held more appeal to you, or if maybe you were so far gone you couldn’t get out of it. But you came back, you came home and you showed me where the stuff you had in the house was – I didn’t tell you this, I didn’t even admit it to myself, but that meant a lot to me.

“I don’t know, Nathan,” I admit, “I don’t know what to do. Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, it’s the wrong thing? That’s kind of how I feel right now. I’m trying to do right by you, and I have to do right by Mere, and in some ways, those two things are really at odds with each other, you know? And I know she needs you, I know she should see you every day, but it all comes down to whether or not you can stay sober. And right now, I can’t trust that you will.

“I guess that isn’t fair, that I am not giving you the benefit of the doubt here, but it’s Mere, Nathan. You and I both know that she’s the most important thing we have, the one thing neither of us could do without. And I just have to do what is best for her. And then you, and then me. I don’t want those things to be at odds with each other, but I feel that they are at this point.

“I’m trying. I really hope you know how hard I’m trying to hold everything together here. It’s hard, though. You know I’m not good at that kind of thing, never have been. You’re my rock, you should know that. There were times when we were younger that I wasn’t sure, times where I couldn’t be positive that you’d want anything to do with me. But those were so rare, and even then maybe in my heart I knew that you’d be there for me.

“God, I love you, Nathan. I really do, damn it. I’m sitting here, trying to picture my life without you, and I can’t. And I hate that I’m in a position where I have to make a decision on whether or not I can allow you to be in my life, I hate that! You have no idea how much. None.

“I wish we could go back. To when I first moved here. Things were so good then, we were so happy. I was happy, anyway. I don’t know, maybe you weren’t.”

I shake my head, standing up and moving away from the bed to look out the window. He looks so pale, so worn out still. There are bruises up and down his arms and on the exposed parts of his shoulders and upper chest where the monitor leads are attached. It drives it home again just how far gone he is, just how far he’s let this go that he got to a point where he lost his trademark athletic grace.

“Maybe you were never happy,” I whisper, glancing up when the door opens. It’s a nurse, and she comes over and checks all of the monitors before turning and smiling kindly at me.

“Ms. James, there is a phone call for you. I can have it transferred in here if you’d like, or you can take it at a kiosk in the waiting area.”

After thinking about it for a moment, knowing it is probably Dan or Lucas, I tell her I’ll take it in the waiting area. She nods, telling me to let the nurses’ station know, and they’ll put the call through when I’m ready.

When she’s out of the room, I turn back to Nathan. “I’ll be right back. Someone is just calling to check on you. As soon as I can reassure them that you’ll be just fine, I’ll be back, I promise.”

The nurse at the station transfers the call to me, briefly explaining the phone system, and I sit down, taking a deep, calming breath before picking up the flashing line. “This is Haley James.”

“James? Oh, thank God, I’ve been trying to get through to you for hours!” Tim’s voice bursts through the line, “How are you? How’s Nathan?”

“He – he’s going to be okay, Tim,” I sigh, tears again threatening at the voice of one of my best friends, “They’ve got him in an induced coma right now because he had a seizure in the ambulance.”

“Oh, Haley. Was he on something again?”

“No, there are no signs of that, the doctor said. This is just from the damage that he’s already done to his body. God, he just collapsed, Tim, right there in front of me. I was trying to tell he looked bad, and the next thing I knew, he was on the ground,” I cry, “It was awful.”

“I know, I’m sure it was.”

“There’s nothing I can do for him, either. I’m so scared, Tim. I’m so scared.”

“What did the doctor say? Is there some other complication that you’re not telling me, Haley?”

“No,” I deny, “The doctor doesn’t think there is anything else to worry about. He’s young and strong, and there is a good chance he’ll make a full recovery. There is a possibility of kidney damage, but it sounds like other than that, he should be fine. And once the risk of seizure passes, he’ll be brought out of the coma.”

“He’s going to be fine, James. The doctor is right, he’s young and strong and healthy. He’s going to pull out of this and be fine.”

“I’m still scared,” I admit, my voice breaking, “About the other stuff. What if he doesn’t go to rehab like he promised, what if he doesn’t get his act together. What if he realizes that I don’t make him happy?”

“Those are all big, huge what ifs,” he sighs, “And I don’t know the answer to the first two. But I do know that you make him happy. We all know that, we’ve all seen that. You’re like this calming force on him that soothes him and fills him. Sometimes I think you and Meredith are the only two people that matter to him, you know?”

“He thinks we’re the only ones that care about him, that’s why,” I whisper the admission, “That’s why it hurt him so bad when I took her to Tree Hill after the first time he landed in the hospital. That’s why he was so angry with me. I made him feel like we didn’t love him, like we didn’t care anymore.”

“Hey, he knows you love him. He knows that, and he might be fighting it right now, but he knows it. Some things are just givens, okay?”

“I should’ve told him more often how much I love him, how I’d do anything for him, how happy I was that we’d found our way back to each other, and now all I can think is that I’ve just made mistake after mistake again,” I sigh, biting hard on my lip as tears spill down my cheeks, “I should’ve made sure he knew that he had every reason in the world to be healthy and clean.”

“He knows, Haley,” he repeats softly, showing that more mature side of him that I’ve come to appreciate over the years, “He’s pissed and wants to lash out so he probably won’t admit he knows, but he does.”

“I don’t want to live in a world that he’s not in,” I say quietly, gripping the phone tighter, “There are a lot of things that I can handle, but that’s not one of them.”

“Well, good. Because you aren’t going to have to. He’s going to be fine, and then you two will figure out what’s best for Meredith and yourselves, and it’ll be okay.”

“You don’t know that. What if we can’t work it out? What if he hates me for leaving him? What if I can’t get over it, can’t get passed what happened in Vegas?”

“Hey, stop with the ‘what ifs’,” he orders calmly, “They’re doing you no good at all. Look, we don’t know what will happen. No one does. And I know that’s frustrating and nerve-wracking, but that’s just how it is. So maybe it’s time to buck up and accept that, and deal with the things you can deal with now.”

“What can I do now?” I burst out, “What am I supposed to do? There’s nothing, Tim! Nothing! I’m just sitting there, by his bedside, holding his hand and rambling on to him about how freaked out I am! And that’s not helping anything, is it? Tell me, what is it helping?”

“Does it make you feel better?”

“I don’t know, maybe a little bit,” I sigh in admission.

“Then it’s helping.” There’s a muffled noise in the background, and I realize that Brooke is probably listening, and is not telling him something to tell me. “Hey, Brooke says ‘hi’ and that she’s worried about you. Give her a call when you get a chance, okay?”

“Yeah, I will,” I agree, meaning it. I know I freaked out on her earlier, but it’ll be good to talk to her in a bit when we’ve both cooled off some more. Maybe tomorrow morning. “Just not yet, okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” he agrees. “Hey, is there anything I can do? You need us there? We’d hop the next plane, Haley.”

“I know. But it’s okay, his parents are coming, and so is Lucas. Deb mentioned that Karen would try and come, too, if they could get coverage at the cafés.” I wipe my eyes as some people walk by. “Unfortunately, you don’t have a magic wand you can wave over him and make things okay for us.”

“No, I don’t,” he sighs, “But if it would make you feel better, I’d dress up like a fairy. Only for you, James.”

I can’t help laughing at the imagery that puts in my mind. “Thank you, Smith. I’m really glad you called, I needed that.”

”I know you did. And hey, if you need anything else, anything at all, even just a joke, you call me, okay? No matter what time, call my cell. I’ll pick up, I promise.”

“Thanks, Timmy,” I whisper, “You’re so wonderful. I don’t deserve a friend like you.”

“Yeah, well, you’ve got me anyway,” he teases, “Hey, we love you. Don’t forget that, okay? And you know, we love Nathan, too.”

“Thank you. I love you guys, too.”

“I know. Hey, I mean, call for anything. Just an ear, a million bucks, anything.”

We hang up, and surprisingly, I do feel better for having talked to Tim. He has a way of comforting me and improving my mood all at once that I really needed to benefit from right now. His call was perfect timing.

I sit there for a moment, getting my bearings back about me, before standing up and walking towards Nathan’s room. There are nurses in there, so I wait at the door, letting them finish up what they’re checking on.

“You know who he is, right?” one of them asks the other, neither having seen me. “He’s that basketball player, with the Sonics. The one who is in all that legal trouble.”

“Just another junkie,” the other one sighs, “You would really think these athletes would have better things to do than get hopped up on steroids and amphetamines. It’s ridiculous.”

“I heard he has a kid. Poor thing is going to grow up with a doped up father and a mother too enamored of the cash flow and privilege that comes with being married to an NBA player to get it out of there.”

I’ve had enough. Stepping into the room, I clear my throat. One of them jumps in surprise, and they both have the good grace to look embarrassed at having been caught gossiping.

“If it isn’t too much trouble, could you wait to gossip about my husband and his reasons for being in the hospital until you’re actually out of his room?” I ask curtly, glaring at them. I don’t care if I’m overreacting, and I don’t even care if I’m under-reacting at this point. I just want these snooty bitches out of Nathan’s room so I can sit with him, hold his hand, and talk to him some more.

They both quickly exit the room after one of them jots a few things down on his chart, and they both avoid eye contact with me on the way out. Sighing, I take the chair I’d been sitting in earlier, grabbing Nathan’s hand as if I’m his lifeline – or maybe as if he was mine – and squeeze it gently.

“I just called you my husband,” I tell him, smiling ruefully, “That probably seems weird to you, because we never married. But I’ve thought of you as that for a long time now. Since Mere was born, maybe even before. Maybe since that brief time in high school when you really were that. I don’t know.

“It feels right, though. Even now, when I’m so mad at you I could scream, so worried about you all I want to do is cry, and so scared for us that I can’t really do either. Isn’t that crazy? After everything, I call you my husband, even though you aren’t.

“It hurts,” I admit, smoothing the blanket that is covering him, needing to feel him beneath my hands, “It hurts that we never married, that you put it off. I can’t blame you for that, though. I never pushed it, I never told you how much I wanted to be your wife, how important that was to me. I should’ve. Don’t know why I didn’t now.”

I sit back in the chair, not relinquishing the hold I have on his hand. It hurts to breathe right now, and I know it isn’t going to get any better until they bring him out of this and I see his beautiful blue eyes looking up at me again.

The door opens again, and this time it is Dr. Dickhead, the specialist who had seen Nathan down in the ER. “Ms. James,” he greets, moving around to the far side of the bed to check on Nathan. After glancing at the chart, he looks up at me. “I see no reason why we can’t bring him around in the morning. We’ll just give his body a little more time to rest, and then in the morning, we’ll begin bringing him out of it.”

“So, that’s good, right?”

“Yes, he is stable, in good condition. I’m still waiting on some of the lab results, but honestly, I don’t think there is going to be any problems.” He glances up at me. “He’s lucky to be an athlete. His body is in such good shape that he really avoided some of the complications that many people experience.”

“Okay. Okay. That’s good,” I murmur, more to myself than anyone else, “How long will he need to be in here?”

“That’ll be something we determine after he’s awake and we have ruled out kidney problems via the tests we’ve administered. Not more than a few days, though,” he notes, “But I cannot stress enough that he needs to be entered into a treatment program immediately. Inpatient, too. This isn’t even in question – his body might have been healthy enough to withstand the damage he’s tried to do so far, but that only lasts for a time. It won’t always be that way. He needs help, and he needs it now.”

I nod somberly, understanding. “I’ll start looking into options, find a place that will take him as soon as he is released from here. We’ll get him in something.”

“Good. We have dependency counselors here in the hospital, and I’ll have one of them come up to talk to you about some of the facilities in and around Seattle. There are some excellent ones, with excellent reputations.”

“Okay, thank you,” I agree.

“Well, Mr. Scott seems to be just fine, as I said. The nurses will be in periodically throughout the night to check on him, but I anticipate no problems. If you have questions, ask the nurse.”

I nod, fighting the urge to roll my eyes. What a jerk, foisting me off on the nurses. He leaves the room after noting things in Nathan’s chart, and walks out the door. Groaning in frustration yet relieved that things still seem to be good, I sit back in the chair, my eyes on Nathan.

After a little while, I go to the nurses’ station and ask about the possibility of me staying the night. Since Nathan has a private room, they tell me it is fine and that something for me to sleep on will be brought in. It’s a relief – part of me wants to go get Mere and spend the night curled up with her, but the larger part of me knows that she is fine now, and Nathan is the one who needs me.

And selfishly, I don’t want to leave him. It’s unreasonable, but I’m afraid of him being here by himself. I don’t want him to wake up to a sea of strange faces, I want mine to be there, at least giving him some bit of reassurance. Even if it is just a tiny bit, I want him to have that from me.

It’s hard to sleep here. Hard to sleep in a new place, hard to sleep when I’m so worried about Nathan, still hard not having him in bed next to me. He looks peaceful, though, more so than me, and that makes it a little easier to let go and sleep. I don’t sleep long, though, and I’m up before the doctor comes back in the morning.

“Ms. James,” he greets, “Let me check the patient’s chart, make sure that nothing has changed, and then we’ll bring him around. How does that sound?”

“Like a relief,” I admit, “Even though he’s in it on purpose for his own safety, ‘coma’ isn’t a word you want to hear.”

“I suppose not,” he frowns, “But it really is just a precaution. Anyway, let me get some personnel, and we’ll wake him up.”

I nod, fidgeting in my chair as I wait by Nathan’s bedside. I’m worried that they’ll ask me to leave or tell me I can’t be in here for this, but when the doctor comes back, he doesn’t say anything to me. Not really surprising considering what a jerk he is.

I don’t pay much attention to what the doctors and nurses do, just watch Nathan’s face for any sign of life. I do look away when they remove the breathing tube, and the nurse says he’ll have a pretty painful sore throat as a result of that. They also take away the leads for the heart monitors, which is something of a further relief, as it just reinforces that they really do think he’s going to be fine.

When he opens his eyes after what seems like an eternity but in actuality, I have no idea how much time has passed, it is truly one of the best moments of my life. Pure joy rushes through me at the sight of his eyes opening, seeing that blue, that beautiful blue that I’ve loved since I was sixteen lets me breathe again. I don’t say anything, I can’t really, so I just grab his hand and hold it, smiling when his eyes settle on me.

The doctor jumps in, asking him questions, making him follow the light with his eyes, just checking him over, but Nathan’s gaze keeps coming back to me. When he attempts to smile, probably to reassure me, I almost lose it again and start crying. I don’t this time, managing to hang onto a tiny bit of composure and be the strong one for a minute.

His voice is hoarse and scratchy as he answers the questions in a near whisper, and I can tell by the grimace on his face that it hurts to speak. He keeps smiling at me, though, and I think he’s relieved that I’m here. In a way, that stings, knowing that for either of us that would be a question, but it is easy to overlook now. As the room empties out, the doctor having explained the situation to Nathan and told him he’d be back later to discuss follow-up care, a nurse pats me on the shoulder, and suddenly, we’re alone.

“Hey,” he whispers, flashing that smile at me again.

“Hey,” I smile back, “Am I glad to see your eyes again.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. And I swear, Hales, I wasn’t on anything this time, I wasn’t.”

“Shh, it’s okay,” I try to soothe him, “I know. Nathan, I know. Thank God. If you had been, this could’ve been so much worse than it already is.”

“I – I didn’t want you to think I lied to you again, that I’d do that with Mere in the house again. Oh, God, Mere, where is she? Is she okay?” he asks worriedly, “Did she see me like that? Passed out?”

“No, Nathan, she didn’t, and she’s fine. Melissa came and picked her up here last night, and I’m sure she’s being spoiled rotten by Damien right now,” I explain, “She’s fine. I’ll call Melissa soon, maybe go get her and bring her to visit.”

He nods, blanching when he catches sight of his hands, IV needles inserted in them. “It was bad this time,” he sighs.

I nod, unable and unwilling to sugarcoat this for him anymore. “Yeah, it was really bad, Nathan. I – I was afraid this was it. It didn’t – I couldn’t tell if you were breathing or now. I was so scared.”

“I’m sorry, baby, so sorry.”

“Let’s not worry about that now, okay?” I offer, “Let’s just focus on you right now, making sure that you’re okay.”

“No, I want you to – to know how sorry I am. Because I am, I am so sorry. For everything, for hurting you.”

“You just woke up, Nathan, we don’t have to do this now,” I assure him, “Let’s talk about this stuff when you’re back on your feet, okay? When we’ve both been able to shower.”

He manages a small smile and nod. “Can you – can I hold you?”

“Oh. I – I don’t know, Nathan,” I sigh, glancing at the IV lines still attached to him, “You have all those IVs, baby.”

“I need to feel you.” I bite my lip, not sure what to say. “Please.”

That one word does me in, and I find myself nodding, and once he slides over, climbing onto the bed beside him. When his arms come around me and his lips press against my forehead, the tears come as well.

“I love you, Nathan,” I choke out, needing to say it again, “You had me so worried. You were so pale, so still. God, it was awful.” Lifting my head off his shoulder, I look him in the eye. “I know you won’t like this, and you’ll probably be pissed at me, but I told your parents. They’re coming, as is Luke.”

To his credit, he grimaces, but doesn’t immediately get angry with me. “I – I don’t think that I want to see them,” he finally mutters, “I don’t know if I can.”

I nod, not sure what to say. I don’t think he should avoid this, I don’t think he should continue to shut them out now, but ultimately, it’s his choice.

“It’s your choice, Nathan,” I finally say, “And I won’t tell you what to do. But I will say that I think you should see them, talk to them. They love you, and they are so worried about you right now. They just want to know you’re okay.”

“I – I can’t,” he sighs, “I really don’t want to see them. Just you and Mere. That’s all.”

“You can’t shut the world out,” I note, “You can’t narrow it down to the three of us. It doesn’t work that way.”

“Yeah, I know,” he nods, “But for awhile, it’d be nice to keep it just us. Our family. Not them.”

“Nathan, they are family,” I cry, “They are your family! Your parents, who gave you life, your brother! You are tied to them, whether you like it or not. You can’t pretend those ties away. And you shouldn’t want to – they care, they really do. They just want the best for you.”

“Like Dan throwing me in jail?” he questions, bitterness seeping into his tone and his body going rigid. When I start to move off the bed, he relaxes, holding me tighter to him. “I’m sorry, I guess that was a good thing. I could be dead in a gutter somewhere instead of here with you.”

“Please, don’t say things like that,” I plead, shuddering at the memory of my trip to the morgue, “I don’t even – I can’t think about that.”

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes again, prompting me to wonder if this is how long it will be like this, him apologizing, me recoiling at something he says, something he does. There is no answer to that question, though, and it makes me wonder if the more pertinent question is whether or not I can live like that.

“Don’t worry about it,” I mumble, “I just don’t want to consider that possibility. That’s why I need you to get help, Nathan. For me, damn it, for Meredith, and most of all, for yourself. I want you to be you again.”

“I’m trying,” he sighs, “I am. I want that, too, Haley J.”

The door swings open, and a nurse appears, stopping short when she sees us. “No. No, no, no, no. This is not acceptable. You, young lady, off the bed,” she orders sternly, and I jump to comply. Nathan grabs me and holds me down before I can get far, though. “Mr. Scott, I understand the need to be close to your wife right now, but you still have IVs in. Trust me, you wouldn’t appreciate one getting removed because one of you accidentally rolls on the tube. And for that matter, this is a hospital, you’ve just been brought out of a coma, and you need your rest. Your body is not fully recovered.”

I move away again, and this time he lets me climb off the bed. “I’m so sorry,” I apologize, “I assure you, it won’t happen again.”

“I’m sure,” she smiles at me while Nathan glowers on the bed, “Now, you need to let the patient get some rest.”

“Isn’t that what I had been doing?” he grumbles, “In that coma?”

“No offense, Mr. Scott, but you still look like a few hundred miles of bad road. Rest is exactly what you need right now.”

“When do I get out of here?” he asks, ignoring her advice, or order, depending on how you look at it.

“You’ll have to ask Dr. Schneider about that,” she defers, “He’ll be back in sometime this afternoon to check on you.”

Nathan sighs, and I nod. “If you were to guess, how long do you think he’ll be kept here?” I ask, knowing that Nathan needs a timeframe right now, something to look forward to.

“If I had to guess? No more than two days,” she smiles.

“Two days?” he echoes, his voice dull and resigned.

“Nathan, two days is great,” I beam, relieved, “That’s barely any time at all! Considering all you’ve been through, that’s really not bad at all.”

“Exactly,” agrees the nurse in a stern tone, “What you have put your body through would’ve been much worse, and probably would’ve for someone not in top shape as you, as an athlete are.”

“That’s not – “

“No, son, it is completely true. You don’t think I know about basketball? Well, I do. I’ve followed the Sonics since they first came to this city as an expansion team. I know all about you, and I’ve read all about your exploits since your first admission here,” she confides, her tone disapproving, which might be something he needs to hear now. If he won’t listen to me, maybe a stranger can get through. “And I’ve also seen the lives of plenty of people laid to waste because of substance abuse. Now, you’ve got a nice girl here, who obviously really loves you, so maybe you should think about her.”

She’s out of place in saying that; all three of us know that. And I suspect she has some sort of seniority around here that allows her to get away with saying things like that, not to mention the authority in her tone that probably keeps people from protesting too much.

Nathan doesn’t argue with her, he doesn’t even look over to glare at her. Instead, his gaze remains fixed on me, waiting for my reaction to her words. I don’t give one. I don’t say anything, and I don’t even meet his gaze except briefly. Honestly, at this point it doesn’t matter to me why he does it, why he finds it necessary to get help, just that he does.

“Yeah, I know,” he finally mumbles.

The nurse nods, placated. “Have you looked into all your treatment options?”

“What? What treatment do you think I need exactly?” he bursts out, “Is there something wrong with me that showed up on tests today? The doctor said there wasn’t any long-term damage!”

She stares him down until he calms back down, settling into the pillow behind him again. “Mr. Scott, you know why you are here, right?” Reluctantly, he nods. And I’m beginning to wish I was anywhere but here, but I think maybe I need to be here for all of this for him. “Then you know that you need to get treatment for your substance abuse problem. We have counselors here in the hospital, as I’m sure was explained to you,” she directs to me, “And they are available to come in and advise you of all your options. From the severity of your symptoms upon admission, immediate entrance into a program will be advised, strongly.”

“So you not only get to order me around when I’m in here,” he complains bitterly, “But you get to try and dictate my life when I get out of here? That’s fantastic. Can you believe this bullshit, Haley?”

His voice is still scratchy, painful sounding. It hurts to hear him sound like that, and it hurts to hear the resolute denial behind the words. He just doesn’t know, he still isn’t there yet, I realize. For all intents and purposes, he should be. He should be there. After all the damage he’s done to his career, his family, his body, he should be there. But he isn’t, not yet.

“Nathan, you need help,” I sigh, agreeing with the nurse, stung when he drops my hand, “Come on, you know that you do!”

“I don’t want to talk about that right now,” he says, closing off completely.

The nurse shakes her head at him, but he just glares back. She smiles at me briefly before addressing him. “Think you can keep food down? I can have a tray brought in for you.”

“That’d be nice, thanks,” he agrees stiffly.

When she’s out of the room, I turn to him. “Nathan.”

“No, Haley, I don’t want to hear it right now.”

“Then when do you want to hear it, Nathan? When your parents and brother are here? Because we can wait until then, if that’s what works best for you,” I offer, knowing he won’t want that. “We can’t put this off. We have to make a decision on this soon, before you leave this bed. You’re going straight from here to a rehab center.”

“You can’t make me do that,” he smirks, right about that. The thing is, I don’t think he realizes how serious I am about this. How willing to play hardball with him on this one. How dirty I’ll play to get him into rehab and get help.

“I guess I can’t,” I sigh, “But if you don’t, then I’ll assume that you aren’t interested in seeing Meredith anymore.”

“Jesus Christ, Haley!” he exclaims hoarsely, “You can’t do that! I won’t let you take her away from me. She’s my daughter, mine!”

“No, Nathan, she’s not your daughter! She is the product of both of us, and I will not let her be around you if you’re using drugs!”

“I told you I’d quit!” he argues, struggling to sit up.

”Nathan, don’t, you’ll pull out your IV,” I tell him, trying to get him to lay back.

“Quit playing it like you care,” he mutters, pushing my hands away and moving into a sitting position. He looks up over at me. “I can’t believe you’d threaten me with that again.”

“It isn’t a threat. It never was. And it’s not about hurting you or getting back at you or whatever else you’re thinking. This is about protecting my daughter. And I’m sorry if that is at odds with what you want right now, but that’s just the way it has to be. Mere has to come first. For both of us, Nathan.”

“She does, Haley! God, you know that! Damn it,” he mutters, tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling, “You cannot take her away from me. I – I know you’re leaving still, going to Tree Hill, but you can’t deny me access to her. She’s my daughter.”

“Yeah, she’s your daughter. And you owe it to her to get help and get off the drugs. Yeah, you’re sober right now, but what does that mean? What’s the likelihood that it would last? Not good, Nathan, it’s not good. I’ve done research on this.” I shake my head at him. “You need help if you want to get off the drugs.”

“You don’t know what I need,” he counters, “God, it’s like every minute, you know less about me. Do you even care anymore?”

“If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t be fighting you on this. I know you don’t want to hear it, maybe least of all from me, but you’re a mess. Everything about you is a mess right now. And you can’t get better without help.”

“I can take care of this on my own,” he argues, obstinate as hell, his voice rising again, and I’m afraid the nurses are going to come in here and kick me out soon, “I don’t need some money sucking leach taking my money and telling me I have a problem so they can spout some bullshit feel-good message about living clean to me! I don’t need that, and I don’t want it!”

“Then what do you need, Nathan? Tell me! If you know what it is that is going to work for you, then tell me, spell it out if you have to,” I prod.

“I don’t know,” he admits, deflating slightly, “But it isn’t rehab. I can’t go to one of those places with the junkies, Haley J. I’m not like them, I’m not an animal like that.”

I look at him, my heart sinking further with his defeat and further with this reinforced knowledge that he just doesn’t know how far gone he is. “Maybe they aren’t animals. And maybe you aren’t so different from them,” I say as gently as possible.

He shakes his head, denying that. “No, I am, I’m not like that. I wouldn’t do the things those people do, I wouldn’t.”

I bite my lip – the natural retort that springs to my lips is that yes, that’s exactly what he’d do. What he did. But throwing it in his face right now isn’t going to help either of us in this instance.

“Maybe it’s time to hold the mirror up, Nathan. I can’t make your decisions for you. You’re going to do what you think you have to do. And maybe I won’t like it. But before you decide, just promise me that you will think, really think about all the things that have happened, all the things that you have done. And just consider it, okay?”

He nods, staring down at his hands. “Yeah, I’ll do that. I – I want to do the right thing, Haley. But you have to understand, I can’t – I can’t do that, I can’t do what you’re asking.”

“Then you have to understand that I’m going to do everything in my power to protect our daughter, Nathan,” I sigh, “That’s just how it is going to have to be.”

As he’s about to retort, the door opens, and Dan, Luke, and Deb shuffle in, Deb carrying flowers, and Dan and Luke with their hands in their pockets, obviously knowing Nathan isn’t going to appreciate their presence.

~*~

“Oh, gee, the cavalry has arrived,” he sighs, leaning back, “Isn’t that just fantastic? Anything else I should anticipate? You going to hogtie me and drag me off to Betty Ford that way?”

Ignoring him, I move to greet them, hugging Deb first, her stricken look at Nathan’s greeting demanding attention. “The flowers are beautiful,” I tell her, taking them from her and putting them on a table, “They really brighten up the room.”

She nods blindly to me, staring at her son the whole time. “Nathan, honey, how are you?” she asks him, rushing over to his bedside. He shakes his head, avoiding her gaze.

Luke pulls me into a hug. “How you doing, Hales?” he asks quietly.

I shrug, smiling lightly. “Better, now that he’s awake. And it’s nice to have support here, too,” I admit, relieved to see them.

Dan places a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. “Son, how are you feeling?” he asks Nathan.

“Well, Dan,” he bites out, ignoring Deb’s pained gasp, “I’m just great. I was put into a coma, my girlfriend thinks I’m a junkie and is trying to blackmail me into rehab by threatening to withhold custody of my daughter from me, and my family, who never really gave two shits about me, is here to gang up on me, and take her side.”

“No, Nathan, that’s not why we’re here!” Deb protests immediately, “We’re here to support you, because we love you.”

“She’s right, man,” Luke agrees, “We’re worried about you. We want to see you out of this hospital and getting better.”

I feel so awkward here right now, out of place. Like I can’t breathe, almost. The need to flee, especially now that Nathan has other people here, other people to stay with him, maybe talk some sense into him, is strong. I want to see my daughter, at least talk to her, so I clear my throat, stepping towards the door.

“I’m just, um, going to call Melissa and check on Meredith,” I say softly, backing out of the room, smiling weakly at everyone. It’s nice to have them here, but knowing that there is a good chance they will just be watching the further deterioration of me and Nathan’s relationship is too much for me to bear right now. It’s too hard for that to happen in privacy, in public for others to witness is unfathomable.

“No,” Nathan counters, “You stay here and call, they’ll leave.”

I shake my head, ignoring everyone else, all of whom look ready to either agree or protest. “No, I need some air. It’ll be good for me to get outside for a few minutes. I’ll be right back.”

“Haley, please wait,” he tries again. He looks over at everyone else. “Could you please leave for a minute. I just want to talk to Haley in private. You can come back in and ‘save me’ after that,” he concedes. It’s probably as close to a compromise as he’s going to give today.

They all nod, leaving, as I step back into the room, over to his bedside. “Nathan, I really do just need a little air, I’ve been in here all night.”

“No, I know,” he agrees, grabbing my hand. He’s so up and down right now that I’m having a hard time following along. “I just – if you could, would you ask Melissa and Damien to bring Meredith here? I want to see her, hold her. I – I miss her, I miss you. I miss the three of us being together.”

Swallowing around the sudden lump in my throat, I nod. “I’ll think about it. It might – there’s a lot going on here, Nathan, and it might be overwhelming.”

“We can kick my parents and Luke out,” he suggests, joking, but his tone still hopeful.

“Nathan,” I sigh, “They really do just want to be here for you. It wouldn’t kill you to let them. And I’ll ask if they can bring her over, but I’m also asking if they can keep her again tonight.”

“Why?” he asks, “Where are you going?”

“I’m not leaving you here alone,” I explain, “It just doesn’t feel right. I can’t do it.”

He nods. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll go call now.”

He actually grins at that. “Good, I really want to see her.”

I nod, smiling back a little as I walk out of the room. Dan and Deb both push back into the room, but Luke latches onto my arm, walking towards the elevators with me.

“How’s he doing?” he asks.

“They say he’ll be fine,” I sigh, leaning against the elevator wall as the door closes behind us, “That he’s in good shape and should make a full recovery.”

“That’s good, that’s real good, Hales.”

I nod in agreement. “He’s still opposed to rehab, though. I don’t know, at some moments he seems to realize all that’s happened, he seems to realize what the next logical step for him is, but the next he’s so turned around and angry that I wonder if he’ll ever understand how far gone he is.” I look over at him, weary to the bone. “I miss him, Luke. I miss him so damn much.”

“Oh, Hales,” he sighs, hooking an arm over my shoulder, “It’ll be okay. He’s going to get help, we’re going to get through to him.”

“I don’t know,” I sigh, “I just don’t know anymore. I want to believe that, really, but it’s hard. He’s so angry, most of it directed at me, one minute, and then next, he’s telling me how much he loves me, how sorry he is. What am I supposed to do now?”

“You do what is best for you. For you, and for Meredith. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, and it probably isn’t even what you want to do, but you need to focus on the two of you.”

I nod, not able to disagree with him, not really. He’s probably right. The textbook thing to do would probably be to run as far as possible, trying to help from a distance. This couldn’t possibly be a situation that many people would advocate a young woman and her small child staying in.

“I can’t abandon him,” I sigh, “And he’s ahead of me on the needs list right now. It’s Meredith, and then him. And I don’t see that changing any time soon, either.”

“What about you?” he asks, “What about what you need, what you want?”

“Does it make a difference right now?” I ask, the elevator jolting softly to a stop, the doors open swiftly revealing the lobby on the main level, “It doesn’t feel like it does. Besides, the main thing I want right now is for Nathan to get better because that means the best thing possible has happened for both him and Meredith.”

“Are you going to give in and bring her here?” he asks, obviously questioning my decision.

“Yes, Lucas, I am. She’s his daughter, and at this point, he’s sober, and he could seriously use some of the comfort that she’ll provide to him. And for that matter, he’s her father, and she’ll be beside herself with joy at being able to see him, too.”

“I wasn’t questioning you, not like you think,” he attempts to defend himself, “I just wasn’t sure a hospital is the best place for a child. She’s just a baby.”

”Well, she’s my baby,” I counter, “And what’s best for her is to see her parents today. I want her to have some time with both Nathan and I before she goes back to Mel and Damien’s for the night.”

“You’re sending her off with them?” he asks, surprised, “You know that we’re here for the night, Hales. We can watch her, either at a hotel here in the city or at your house.”

“No, it’s fine. They have two kids close to her age, and she loves both Damien and Melissa. It’s good for her to socialize with the kids.” Sighing, I continue, “Besides, if we go to Tree Hill, she’ll have plenty of time to see all of you then.”

“If? It’s an if now?” he asks, squinting at me.

“I don’t know, Luke. If Nathan opts to go to rehab here, then I might want to stay. I can get an apartment here just as easily as in Tree Hill.”

“What are you doing?” he asks, “Why are you letting him dictate everything to you? I know that this is your decision, and you’ll do what you think is best, but Haley, what about you? What about what he’s done to you?”

I shrug. “I don’t know, Luke. I wish it were easier, I wish there was a black or white answer here, but there isn’t. I’m just going by gut instinct right now, and I have to trust that there is something there, something to what it’s telling me.”

“I hope you’re right,” he sighs, “And you know how much I love Nathan, right? He’s not easy to love, he never was, and you were always better at it than anyone. But I do love him.”

“I know that,” I assure him, “He’s not being good about showing it right now, but he knows it, too. And he loves you.”

Luke nods, looking down at the ground. “There isn’t much we can do here now, is there?”

“Maybe, maybe not. I’d hoped it wouldn’t come to a point where we have to gang up on him, basically try and bully him into rehab, but it seems like that’s where we’re headed,” I confide, “I’m scared that he’s not ready to admit he has a problem, and I’m scared of what that case means for him.”

“We’re here for you, whatever you need us to do. We’re just as much here for you and Meredith as we are Nathan. So just tell us if you need anything, okay?” he offers, and I nod, hugging him back when he pulls me into his arms. “We’ll do everything we can to help all three of you.”

“Thank you,” I smile at him as he heads back into the busy hospital, leaving me out here to make my call.

Pulling Nathan’s cell phone out of my pocket, I turn it on, quickly dialing their number, waiting impatiently while it rings.

“Hello?” Melissa answers.

”Oh, Mel, hi, it’s Haley.”

“Haley! How’s Nathan?”

“He’s okay, he’s awake now. They think he’s going to be just fine, physically, at least. All the tests came back negative.”

“Thank God, what was wrong with him?” she asks, “What were they doing in there that took them so long to come out and talk to you?”

I explain things to her, tell her what the doctor and nurses have told me, and let her know that physically, he’s fine. She’s relieved to hear it, and I’m glad for the chance to talk to someone who just wants him to be okay, who isn’t pushing me on what I should be doing after he’s released from the hospital.

“I’m so relieved to hear that,” she sighs after relaying the information to Damien, “And let me guess, he wants to see his daughter now.”

“We both do,” I laugh.

“My mother is here, so Damien and I will bring her over. We’d like to say hi to Nathan, tell him we’re glad he’s okay, if that would be okay?”

“Well, I’m not sure if he’s up for more visitors, but I know that I’d love to see both of you,” I tell her, “His family is in there now, and he’s not happy about it. But that’s mostly just because it is, well, family.”

“Okay, of course if he isn’t up to it, maybe we can just drop something off. Is there anything you need? A change of clothes, hairbrush, toothbrush?”

“Oh, Mel, I haven’t even thought about those things,” I laugh ruefully, “I must be a mess right now.”

“Well, I’ll bring you something of mine to wear, we’re about the same size. And I’m pretty sure I’ve got some spare toothbrushes around here. I know you’ll at least want that,” she surmises.

“You’re a godsend,” I praise her.

“Okay, hon, we’ll be over there soon. You just hang in there. I know that there will be one little girl thrilled to see her parents.”

“She was good, right?” I ask, laughing.

“She was great,” Mel confirms, “The kids had a great time. We love having her over here.”

“Oh, good,” I smile to myself, always pleased with praise for Mere, “I’m glad to hear that. I know she loves being there.”

“Okay, well, I’d better get my husband ready to go,” she laughs, “And make sure that Mere has her stuff. We’ll see you real soon.”

“Thanks, Mel.

“You’re welcome, hon.”

We hang up, and I stay out here for a few minutes, just breathing in the fresh air before going back up to Nathan’s room. It will be so nice to see Mere, and this is horrible, but she’ll improve Nathan’s mood, something else that will be beneficial to all of us.

I head back inside, stopping in the gift shop to buy a candy bar to eat in the elevator on the way up to the room. I’ve been so preoccupied that I hadn’t realized how long it has been since I’ve eaten, but now that I have, my stomach is demanding attention.

When I get up there, Deb is leaning against the door outside of his room, crying. “Deb, what’s wrong? What did he say to you?” I ask, knowing that Nathan must’ve lashed out at her in some way to get her out of the room. “Are Dan and Luke still in there?”

She nods. “Yeah, they seem to be able to ignore most of what he says, at least better than I can. He’s just so cold, more than I’ve ever seen him be before.” She looks up at me, pulling a tissue out of her pocket to dry her eyes. “Does he really hate me that much? It can’t only be the drugs talking, can it?”

“He’s angry, Deb,” I sigh, “Frustrated. There’s nothing he can do to help himself that he’s willing to do right now, and he’s feeling helpless. And we’re the ones to pay the price because we’re here.”

“It must be so much worse for you,” she acknowledges, “How are you holding up?”

“I’m doing okay. I just keep reminding myself that his anger is more global than localized on me. And I’m pushing him to go immediately from here to rehab, and that’s not what he wants to hear right now. He wants me to tell him it will be okay, and I can’t. I don’t have that promise to give him, and I’ve decided that all I can do is be honest with him. He doesn’t want that, though.”

“About that,” she starts carefully, “You aren’t really going to deny him access to Meredith if he doesn’t go to rehab, are you? I don’t think that is in either of their best interests.”

“I have to,” I sigh, “Not only is that threat the only real bit of leverage I have against him right now, but letting her be around him if he hasn’t gotten treatment for this, gone into some kind of recovery plan, would be the most foolish thing I’d ever do. I can’t – no, I won’t – risk my daughter that way.”

“He’s her father, Haley,” she argues, “And he needs to know right now that his family – all of his family – is going to be there for him in all ways that he needs. And that includes Meredith.”

“Well, I’m sorry, but I disagree. Do you think I like this? Do you think that I want to use my daughter as a bargaining chip with him? Because I don’t! I hate this! He’s my life, Deb, him and Mere are my life. And it is eating me alive to see him in that bed like this, to see and hear that he still doesn’t realize how serious his problem is.” I run my hands through my hair, trying to calm down. “The risk would be too high. You didn’t see him in Las Vegas. You didn’t see how far gone he was. He can’t be like that around her. It’s not a possibility.”

“He doesn’t need to hear those things, though,” she argues, “Haley, he needs to know that you believe he can get better. That you believe he can beat this.”

“Well, I don’t! Okay? I don’t. I do not think he can beat this unless he seeks professional help. And that’s what I am trying to get him to do. Maybe the method sucks – no, it does suck, I know that. It’s horrible, and heartbreaking, but it’s all I’ve got. All I’ve got to reach him with, and I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try.”

“There has to be another way,” she pleads, “You can’t take his daughter away, Haley. You just can’t.”

“I’d be remiss if I didn’t,” I sigh, “I’m sorry, I understand why you don’t want me to, why you think it’s a bad idea, but this is for Mere, not Nathan. It’s her protection, her best interest. If he wants to maintain this lifestyle, then we all know he has no business having a small child around.”

“He says he’s stopped!” she tries again, “Doesn’t that count for something?”

“Yeah, it does. But Deb, there were still drugs in the house last night! Yeah, he gave them to me, hopefully all of his stashes, but they were there, in our house. Where our daughter plays. Where her friends come over and play! I’m sorry, that’s not acceptable. I don’t want her in that kind of situation.”

“Just keep an open mind, okay? Promise me that.”

“I’m trying. I don’t want to do this,” I tell her again, “The last thing I want is to separate them, especially in any permanent way. But Deb, he has to get help. He has to. If he doesn’t, then there is nothing I can do for him.”

“I think you and Mere being there helps him a lot,” she offers, “Maybe that really is all that he needs, Haley.”

“Deb, he needs help. Serious help from trained professionals. I don’t know how to make that any clearer,” I sigh, “That’s all there is to it. I can’t do this for him, Meredith certainly can’t do this for him, and unfortunately, none of you can do it either.”

“I know, but I have to try. And that means telling you when I think you’re hurting him in an avoidable way. I just don’t see why Meredith should be kept from him completely. Look how devastated the mere thought of that has him, Haley! You cannot do that to him.”

I look her in the eye, trying not to let myself get upset, either with her or the situation again, “I didn’t choose this for him. He chose it himself. And now he has to take at least the first step in making some of it right.”

“Is this because he cheated on you?” she asks, rather bluntly, “This isn’t a time for pettiness, Haley. This is a time for banding together. For helping each other.”

It hurts to hear her say that, and I know she’s reacting in part to the fact that now that she’s seen him, she knows how bad things are exactly. And she wants to do everything in her power to take that away, to fix him and make him better. It’s the motherly thing to do, something that I understand, but in this case, her son can’t come first: my daughter does.

“I love Nathan, Deb. With everything I have, with everything I am. And it hurts me more than you will ever know that it has come to this. It can’t go on, though. I owe it to Mere to make sure that it doesn’t.”

“Don’t throw my son’s life away, Haley. I know he has made some really poor decisions, and I don’t condone any of them. I’m just afraid that if you cut him off from the two of you, from Meredith and you, that he’ll have nothing left to fight for. Nothing to come home for.”

I move past her, gripping the door knob. “I’m doing my best for him. And part of that is keeping Meredith safe. I want the best for Nathan, Deb, but he needs to want it for himself. Until then, I can’t give him Meredith.”

“You’re bringing her here now!” she counters, “So why hang that threat over his head?”

“He’s sober now, in a hospital. The doctor confirmed he’s not using. Look, when he’s out of here, we can’t take his word that he’s sober, not if he doesn’t get help. I know that you just want him to get everything back the way it was before all of this happened, but it will never be the same. We’re all changed, everything is different.” I look her in the eye. “We all have adjustments to make to our lives.”

She nods, still looking stricken. “I’m sorry, I know this is hard for you. But I also know what Nathan needs, and that’s support. We have to support him.”

“I am, Deb, and I will continue to do so. But I won’t involve Mere, not if he isn’t trying to get help for this.”

She nods. “Just keep an open mind, Haley. Do whatever it takes to help him, no matter the personal cost.”

Ignoring her and her insinuations and how hurtful they are, I push into the room, trying to paste a smile onto my face. “Well, I spoke with Mel a little bit ago. She and Damien should be here with Mere soon.”

“That’s great,” Dan grins, nodding at Nathan, “That’s good news, son.”

“Yeah, Dan,” his use of his father’s first name intended as a blow, “I think I’m aware that my daughter being around is a good thing.”

“Anyway,” I jump in, needing to keep things peaceful and calm in here, “It sounds like she had fun staying with them. She’ll probably be tired out from playing with the kids all night.”

Lucas looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, rambling on like this, but I ignore him. “Hales, you okay?” he asks.

I nod. “Yeah, everything is fine. I’m just anxious for them to get here, that’s all.”

“Maybe we should head out for a bit,” Luke suggests, “We could go check into a hotel, get settled. There’s probably a limit on how many people can be in the room at once.”

“Uh, good idea,” Dan agrees, “We can come back later this evening and check in, see how things are. There are probably some hotels nearby, right?”

“You don’t have to stay in a hotel,” I protest, “Please, take my car, go back to the house and make yourselves comfortable. There’s more than enough room.”

“We could wait and take Meredith back with us,” Luke suggests, and I shift uncomfortably.

“She’s going to stay with Damien and Mel again tonight. She’s just enjoying being with the kids so much, that I can’t deny her that, not after all she’s been through.”

“They can stay at a hotel,” Nathan orders, “The house is already enough of a mess right now, we don’t need anything else crowding in there or messing it up.”

I bite back the words that would cast the blame for the mess on him, and instead look at Dan and Luke, who seem fine with staying in a hotel here in town. I don’t know if Deb will feel the same, but they’ve got her outnumbered right now.

“If that’s fine with you guys, then that’s fine with me,” I agree, relieved when they nod. “Okay, then, I’d ask at the nurses’ station for recommendations on hotels. They’d probably know better than I would.”

“We’ll do that,” Dan smiles at me, “And I’ll leave you a message there where we’ll be in case you need to get in touch with us.” He gives me a hug, speaking low so only I can hear. “Hang in there, Haley. I know it’s hard right now.”

I nod. “Thanks,” I smile, relieved to have the support of him and Lucas. I know that neither of them will ask the same things of me that Deb is, and I know that they have seen enough of his destruction to know that what she wants is implausible and impossible. There is a lot of comfort to be found in having their back-up, though. They’ve really come through for me, in all of this.

“We’ll see you later,” Luke assures me, giving me another hug as he follows Dan out the door, “See you, Nate.”

Nathan doesn’t respond to him, but instead motions for me to come sit by him, which I do. “Hi,” he says softly, “You okay?”

“I should be asking you that,” I return, “You’re the one in the bed, not me.”

He smirks at that. “Yeah, but you’re the one playing peacemaker with everyone here. Or with me and them, I guess. That’s harder than laying here.”

“Well, they care, Nathan. And frankly, they aren’t acting out of line here,” I point out, excluding Deb from that statement. “You could be a little grateful that they showed up, you know.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m not grateful, maybe I’m not happy about it, and maybe I don’t think I need them here.”

“You’ve certainly made that clear,” I note, letting him take my hand in his, “Can we be civil when Melissa and Damien get here with Meredith? I really don’t want to fight in front of her, and when we snipe at each other, it confuses her.”

He nods, leaning back against the pillows tiredly. “I don’t want to fight with you at all, Haley J. You’re just asking too much of me, and I have to fight it.”

“Oh, Nathan, I wish you could see yourself now,” I sigh, bending over our hands, touching my cheek to the back of his, “This is so scary for me, don’t you understand? I don’t know if you’re okay, in a hospital, in a jail, in a morgue. I’m terrified that if I let this go, if I let you convince me you’re fine and don’t need help, that one day Mere and I will walk into the house and find you slumped over dead. That is such a real possibility right now.”

“Hey, Haley, I’m not going to die on you,” he whispers, his free hand coming up to stroke over my hair, “I promise, you can’t get rid of me like that.”

“You had a seizure, you could’ve damaged your heart or kidneys. So many things could’ve happened that we’re just lucky didn’t. And you don’t even care, you won’t even consider the possibility that this is a serious problem for all of us.”

“No, I’m not ignoring things, I promise you. We have to find a compromise between the two, that’s all,” he disagrees with me. “And we will, baby. We’ll figure out something.”

“Why can’t you just do this, do it for all of us, do it for yourself, and go to rehab? Your lawyers are saying you’ll have to anyway because of the charges in Nevada, so why can’t you go right away? Please, Nathan, I’m begging you to get better.”

He is saved from answering when another knock sounds on the door, and it opens to reveal Damien grinning cheerfully at us.

“Man, what the hell is wrong with you?” he asks Nathan, “You’re like a cat with those nine lives. In and out of the hospital much more like this, you’re gonna blow all of ‘em.”

Nathan holds his fist out, grinning at Damien as they bump them. “Nah, I’ve got more tricks up my sleeve than a cat does. I’ll always land on my feet.” He peers around Damien, looking for Mere. “Where’s my daughter and your better half?”

Damien puts his arm around my shoulder. “Your daughter had to use the little girl’s room, so they stopped in there.” He looks down at me. “My better half brought you a change of clothes and some other essentials. She thought you’d want to meet them in there.”

I smile at him affectionately as I duck out from under his arm. “Your better half was right,” I agree, “I’ll be right back. Thank you, Damien. For everything, for keeping the munchkin for the night. And for keeping her again tonight – you knew that right?”

He laughs. “Yeah, I knew that. We’d keep her forever if you let us.”

“Not a chance in hell,” Nathan snarls from the bed, actually sounding good-natured for a change. Wonders never cease.

“I’ll be right back,” I say again, scooting out of the room and hurrying down the hall to the bathroom on the floor. Mel has Mere in here arms, lifting her up to wash her hands. “Hi you guys!” I greet when I see them.

“Mommy!” Mere screams, twisting in Mel’s arms to wave wildly at me, “Mama, mama, mama!”

“Hi sweets,” I smile, “Hi Melissa. A handsome little birdie told me you guys were in here, and that you were a wonderful goddess who brought me a change of clothes.”

“Oh, we sure did. Even stopped at Victoria’s Secret and picked up a change of undergarments, which is the most important part,” she laughs, handing Mere to me.

I kiss Mere on the cheek, smiling when she lays her head down on my shoulder. “Did you have fun, baby?”

“Yes, we play, Mommy! ‘Von has a ‘ike,” she grins toothily at me.

“Javon has a bike,” Melissa translates at my questioning look, “Mere and Lissy sat on the deck watching him ride it for hours around the patio.” Lissy is three months younger than Mere, and Javon is about nine months older than her, so they really are the perfect playmates for her.

“That sounds like a lot of fun, baby. What else did you do?” I set her down on the ground, taking the bag of clothes that Melissa has brought me and go into the stall to change.

“We played dollies, too. And with the kitty.”

“With the kitty?” I echo from the stall, “Were you nice to the kitty? No tail pulling, I hope.”

“No, Mommy, I nice.”

Melissa laughs, “She tried to lay on her, but the cat is used to that and hid on a bookshelf. No harm, no foul.”

“Ugh. Nathan’s brother has a pretty big dog, and she’s gotten it into her head that all animals are for her to sit on, ride, or lay down on. I am so sorry.”

“No, really, our cat is used to it. ‘Von put her in down the laundry chute once.”

“How is the cat not traumatized?” I laugh, pulling on the jeans she brought and adjusting the sweater I’d already put on.

She shrugs at me as I exit the stall. “I hope the long sleeves are okay. The hospitals always seem chilly to me.”

“They’re perfect,” I agree, “Thank you so much for doing this. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you guys.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she scoffs, “It really was nothing. We had fun, she keeps the kids happy, and she’s such a sweet kid. It’s almost like you were doing us a favor.”

“Well, I doubt that, but thank you. And whenever I can return the favor, just drop those kids off. Although, our house probably isn’t where any sane parent would want their children,” I sigh, tears forming in my eyes.

“Oh, Haley, no,” she disagrees, “We know and trust that absolutely no harm would come to our children in your care. Please don’t think we don’t know that.”

“How can you know that?” I ask brokenly, “I don’t know that right now. I – I’m afraid to take her home, and I already told him that he can’t see her if he doesn’t go to rehab.”

Melissa puts her arms around me; thankfully, Mere is too engrossed in flipping through the pages of a book I don’t recognize to notice much of my state. “You’re right, Mere can’t be there, and no, we probably wouldn’t want the kids there if we had reason to think that there were still drugs there. But you’re going to make sure there aren’t, Nathan is going to get help and go into recovery, and it won’t be something that you or any other parent has to worry about.”

“I’m afraid he won’t,” I admit, “At least not yet. And if not yet, then I worry about what it will take to get him there. How awful of a situation would it take to snap him to reality.”

“You can’t worry about the what-ifs right now, you just have to worry about what is actually happening. That’s what you deal with, because that’s what is here to be dealt with.” She looks down to Mere. “Well, kiddo, let’s go see your daddy, okay? Ready, Haley?”

“Yeah, I am,” I agree as Mere squeals loudly and enthusiastically, “Let’s go see Daddy.”

Mere insists on walking down the hall herself, and I lead them to the room, pushing the door open for her. She runs in ahead of us, and Mel and I both laugh as Damien catches her under the arms, and swings her up onto the bed at Nathan’s side.

“Now that’s a sweet sight,” Mel smiles.

I nod, smiling as Mere climbs up to sit on his chest, loving being the center of everyone’s attention. Damien moves over to Mel and me, looking down at us to say, “We’re going to go get coffee so the three of you can have some family time. There’s a really good coffee shop right around the block. An hour good for you guys?”

Nathan grins enthusiastically, and I nod, too. “That would be really nice, thank you so much.”

“Quit thanking us,” Damien orders me, “First chance we get, guess who gets to play babysitter?”

“I look forward to it,” I smile at them both as they leave. “And then there were three.”

“My two favorite people in the world,” Nathan grins at Mere, “Haley J, could you take her for a minute so I can sit up?”

“Yeah, of course,” I rush over there to lift her off him as he fiddles with the controls on the bed until it is raised, “Here, baby, go sit with Daddy.”

“Yeah, come here, Merry berry, I missed you.”

She smiles at him, thrusting the book she’s holding at him. He smiles obligingly, opening it up to read. It’s about the friendship of a few little mice, and clichéd and cheesy though it is, it reminds me that there is someone I need to call and talk to.

“Nathan, I’m going to make a call really quick,” I whisper, trying not to interrupt too much, “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

He nods, and I find a pay phone, calling Brooke and Tim’s house collect so I don’t have to keep feeding coins into the machine. “Haley?” Brooke’s voice comes through.

“Just who I wanted to talk to,” I start earnestly, “I’m so sorry I blew up at you yesterday. I still don’t agree with everything, but I was wrong to get so mad and take all of my frustrations out on you. I just wanted you to know I was sorry and that I love you.”

“Hey, no, I’m sorry, I really am,” she apologizes, “I know that this is your life we were talking about, and that you’re doing the best you can. And you are doing so wonderfully, Tutor Mommy. You really are. And I’m sorry that I made a bad situation worse for you, I really didn’t mean to. I’m just so worried for you and Meredith and Nathan, too.”

“I know, I do,” I sigh, “I’m on edge, and any tiny bit of criticism is sending me over it. I’m hanging on by a thread here, and you just caught the tail-end of a bad afternoon. I am sorry, Tigger. You were right in a lot of what you said. And I know that you only want us all to be okay, and that really is all that I want, too.”

“No one questions that,” she promises, “No one would dare. I heard Nathan was awake and doing okay?”

“Yeah, he’s fine so far. All the tests have come back negative for damage, so it looks like we escaped with a really severe warning this time.”

“How are you holding up now that he’s awake?”

“Oh, I’m not,” I admit honestly, “I’m freaked, I’m scared, and I feel like I’m walking in the dark without a flashlight. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. There was all that time when I should’ve been doing research, finding out how you’re supposed to act in a situation like this, what the experts recommend, and I wasted it feeling sorry for myself.”

“Well, you hardly sat around only feeling sorry for yourself,” she counters, “You have a daughter who takes up a lot of your time, you chased Nathan across the country. You’re being proactive, and you might not be doing what the so called experts recommend, but they aren’t in your shoes, or Nathan’s. They don’t know what exactly needs to be done for him anyway.”

“But there are probably guidelines or something, you know, rules. I don’t know, I’ve messed this up at every turn. I left when I shouldn’t have, I brought Mere back when I shouldn’t have, and it wasn’t even my idea to have him thrown in jail. What good am I in all this?” I cry.

“Hey, Haley, Tutor Girl, come on,” she pleads, “Don’t cry. I’m not there to give you a hug right now! You have to wait for me to cry, okay? And then we’ll do it together over a few pints of ice cream.”

“White chocolate raspberry truffle?” I ask, laughing through my sniffles.

“Yeah, Haagen Daaz, only the best for my Tutor Mommy.”

“I really love you, Tigger. I miss you, too.”

“I miss and love you,” she promises, “Your plans have changed a lot. Are you still coming back here with Mere?”

I appreciate that she asks it as a question, leaving any disagreement with my potential staying out of it. “Mere is,” I sigh, “When he’s released from here, she’s leaving, I’m going to hold to that and protect her by getting her away from it. I – I haven’t decided if I should stay or not. It sort of depends if he’ll enter a program or if he’s going to refuse.”

“Hopefully he’ll get some sense and realize what needs to be done, Haley. We’re all really hoping for that right now. Oh, and you should call Karen soon, she’s so worried about you. She was all ready to fly out there, trying to get me to go with her, actually, but Keith pointed out that you probably have too much going on for us to be any good anyway.”

“It would be nice to see both of you,” I admit, “But I wouldn’t have much time to spend with you guys, so I guess Keith is right.”

“Well, one way or another, we’ll see you soon, okay? Even if we have to fly out there, we’re going to see you.”

“I like that,” I smile to myself, “I really do miss you guys.”

“We know,” she laughs, “How could you not, right? But we miss you, too. A lot. Hey, I know you probably have Mere or Nathan to tend to right now, and I have a few errands to run, so I’ll let you go. Just call if you need anything, okay?”

“Thanks, Tigger. That means the world to me.”

“Well, you mean the world to us, so it works out.”

We hang up after saying goodbye, and I feel better now that I’ve talked to her and cleared the air. There was never a question of a permanent break between Brooke and I – we’ve been through far too much to get to a point like that – but it still hurts to have any sort of rift at all. Talking to her and apologizing were definitely good for me.

Also good is seeing Mere curled up at Nathan’s side, sound asleep with him on the bed when I walk back into the room. She looks so peaceful, and he’s just staring down at her, brushing his hand over her chubby little cheeks.

“She’s beautiful,” he tells me when I walk over and sit down beside them.

“So I’ve noticed,” I smile back.

“We really lucked out with her, Haley. She’s just perfect.”

“She’s a little hellion,” I laugh, “But she’s sweet, and gorgeous, and about as perfect as anyone or anything could get.”

We fall silent, me staring at her, Nathan’s gaze swinging between me and Mere. “I’ll do it,” he says after several moments of silence.

“Do what?” I ask idly, lost in my own thoughts.

“Rehab, I’ll go. I – I don’t want to lose my family, I don’t want to lose you, or Mere,” he says, his voice breaking as he dissolves into tears. Standing up, I make my way to the other side of the bed so that I can throw my arms around him and hug him without waking Mere.

“Thank you,” I whisper fervently, tears of my own streaming down my face, “Thank you so much. This is a good, good thing, for all of us.”

It isn’t a fix for all of our problems, it doesn’t erase any of the hurt and pain we’ve all suffered, but it’s a start. One that I’m more than thrilled to grab onto and trust will get us somewhere. I don’t know where we’ll go from here, and I don’t know what the future holds for me and him, but I know that we’re making a start, we’re making an effort. And I’m so proud of him for doing this, for agreeing to something I know he’s terrified of.

Chapter Twelve – Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me

‘I can't light no more of your darkness

All my pictures seem to fade to black and white

I'm growing tired and time stands still before me

Frozen here on the ladder of my life….

I can't find, oh the right romantic line

But see me once and see the way I feel

Don't discard me just because you think I mean you harm

But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal’ – E. John/B. Taupin

~*~Early August, 2013~*~

Surveying the living room of our new house, I’m satisfied that all the furniture that arrived yesterday is finally in the right places for my critical eye. We had too much shipped out here, that was Nathan’s doing mostly, and it was hard for me to decide what to keep in the house and what to put into storage. The dramas of downsizing.

This house is lovely, though, and on a nice block. It is also still far bigger than we need, whether or not all three of us end up living here permanently. Since we’ve been living here the last week and a half, I’ve seen lots of small children playing in the yards or being pushed in strollers by their parents, so I’m confident that we’ll find friends for Mere in no time.

It’s different than Seattle, so vastly different, but I know we’ll all adjust. In some ways, I’m afraid that in the end, the one who has the most difficult adjustment will be me. Meredith won’t remember Seattle, at least not in a cognizant way, and Nathan is building up the support system that will hopefully give him the resources to be okay here. But me, I have to find a job, get everything settled between two houses, and most importantly, get Mere adjusted to living in Tree Hill.

But the house really is nice, if different. There is a big wraparound porch, and I agreed to pay extra to get the previous owners to leave behind the gorgeous hanging baskets that hang gracefully between each support beam as well as the potted arrangements that sit on the deck and the hammocks and porch swings. It’s the perfect house, a gorgeous façade to hide the ongoing drama and pain that we’re all dealing with.

There are four bedrooms and four and a half baths, which at the very least provides plenty of storage for everything we have. When Nathan is out of rehab, we’ve planned on discussing what to do with our home in Seattle, but that’s on the backburner for now. Which is fine by me, as there is plenty here to deal with.

The last few weeks have been long and hard, first of all hurriedly finding a treatment facility here, actually in Durham, so that Nathan would be close to us, getting him settled in there, and then moving out here. There has been so much going on, so many things to take care of, that I haven’t really had a moment to breathe even. But now that Mere and I are here, settled into this new house, there is time to relax.

“Mommy!” Mere calls for me from the kitchen. Or dining room. I’m still turned around in this house. It just isn’t home yet, but we’ll work on it.

“Hey, baby!” I grin , finding her in the laundry room off the kitchen, “What are you doing in here all by yourself?”

“Play outside?” she asks, pushing at the door to the backyard.

“No, sweets, it’s about nap time,” I tell her, picking her up and kissing her forehead even as she starts to make her newly discovered pouty face at me. “Come on, let’s go play in your room for a bit, okay?”

Mere’s room was the first one I got situated, for this reason exactly. Even if the rest of the house is in disarray, she’ll still have the sanctuary of her bedroom. I take her up there, and we play with a few puzzle games that Karen bought her, and when her eyelids start drooping, I put her in her bed, sitting down on the floor beside her.

She’s getting to the stage where naptime is a time to stage loud protests that include throwing things off her bed and screaming ‘no’ at me, but today she’s either too tired to bother, or has slipped back into her sweet mode. Either way, I’m definitely taking what I can get, especially if it means extra cuddle time for me.

I sing softly to her while she plays with her stuffed animals until she falls asleep, and then I head back downstairs to finish unpacking the kitchen. It’ll be nice when I can find things in here again, and Mere and I can stop living off of TV dinners and mac and cheese. The doorbell rings, and I rush to the front door before it can be rung again, holding my breath that Mere doesn’t wake up from the first one.

“Karen, hi!” I grin when I see who is there, “How are you?”

“I’m good, how are you?”

“Not bad. Still trying to get organized around here, but I figure I’ll have it done at some point in time. At least the upstairs is completely unpacked.”

“Anything I can do to help?”

I shake my head. “Believe me, you’ve already done so much to help me. I could never possibly thank you enough or even begin to repay you for all of it.”

“Oh, Haley, that’s what family does, honey. You know that. And you’re as much a part of this family as anyone is, I hope you know that.”

I sigh, looking over at her. “Deb doesn’t think so right now.”

“Well, Deb is angry,” she allows, “She’s frustrated that she can’t change her son’s situation. And you’re the easiest target right now since it will do her no good to lash out at him. She can’t criticize him, so she’s criticizing you.”

I know that what she’s saying is true, and I know that I probably shouldn’t take Deb’s attitude personally. It’s still hard, though. The entire time that she was in Seattle with us was a nightmare. She sniped at me constantly, found fault with everything I did, even went so far as to insult my parenting skills. I know she’s hurting, but it is still really upsetting that she wants to lessen her hurt by sharpening her claws on me.

“She has to know that she’s just making it worse for him,” I rationalize, “She has to know that! Because every little bit of enabling that she does, every bit of denial she’s holding onto, that just harms him, Karen. It gives his denial strength. That’s the last thing he needs right now.”

“Honey, I know, but I’m not sure what you can do about that now. She’s pretty set on this right now, she’s really convinced herself that you’re being harsh and unfair.”

“So you don’t think she’ll come around any time soon,” I surmise with a sigh, “What do I do?”

“Now that is not something I can tell you,” Karen sighs, squeezing my hand, “But I do believe that she will come around. Unfortunately, all she sees right now is Nathan’s suffering, and after seeing him in the hospital and hearing him get so upset with the possibility of losing Mere, I think that really got to her.”

I nod, fighting the urge to scream. “Well, hopefully it will be a moot point, and Nathan is in there getting the help he needs. Really, I have to hold onto the belief that that is exactly what is happening right now, or else I’m going to go crazy, Karen.”

We wander into the kitchen, sitting down at the table. I motion to the fridge, silently offering her something to eat or drink, but she shakes her head.

“Maybe you should talk to her,” she suggests softly as I pull a bottle of water out for myself, “I know it probably doesn’t seem like a good idea, and especially not an appealing one, but if you speak to her on a mother to grandmother level, you might be able to open her eyes a little.”

Taking a deep breath, I nod. “I have to talk to her, anyway,” I admit wryly, “Part of Nathan’s ongoing, continuing care treatment program will include family sessions. Too bad it took a chemical dependency to get this family into counseling, hmm?”

She laughs a little at that. “Well, I won’t say that it is a good thing by any stretch, which I know isn’t what you meant, but I will say that hopefully good things come of this.” She looks at me knowingly. “Nathan isn’t the only one who has a lot to recover from.”

“You’re talking about what happened in Vegas,” I sigh, drumming my fingers on the table as I avoid her gaze. “Did Deb tell you what she said? That keeping Meredith from Nathan was just my way of punishing him for cheating on me.”

“That was very harsh of her.”

“Kind of what I thought,” I admit, “It was just – a part of me wanted to slap her, you know? And maybe if we hadn’t been in the hospital, right outside of Nathan’s room, maybe I would’ve.”

“You wouldn’t have,” Karen smiles, “You’re far too patient, and you’re far too quick to turn the blame onto yourself.” She looks at me, sighing. “Don’t get mad at me for bringing up what is probably considered ancient history, but do you remember how you acted after you decided not to marry Jason? You made yourself literally sick over it. And once you crashed in that way, you still moped around letting Jason, Jason’s family, and Tim all treat you like crap.”

“Well, I didn’t exactly decide not to marry him,” I remind her, “I left him at the altar. Got in a car with Nathan. Not exactly the best way to do that.”

“Maybe not,” she shrugs, “But my point is that you let that weigh so heavily on you that you turned into a shell of yourself.”

“I know,” I agree softly, “That was a really bad time for me. But I don’t really understand what it has to do with what’s going on right now.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself over this. What’s happened, it isn’t your fault.”

“No, but how I’ve reacted, what I’ve done since. God, I never should’ve left him in Seattle when I found out,” I moan, dropping my head down to the table, “I should’ve sent Mere to Melissa and Damien’s, and I should’ve stayed there and tried to reason with him.”

“Would it have worked?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know, Karen. A part of me insists that it would’ve, that all he needed was for me to be there supporting him.”

“But the other part disagrees?”

“Yeah,” I nod, “Because even after everything, two hospital stays even, he still was barely ready to concede and go to rehab now. So, I don’t know, maybe it would’ve come down the same way. It’s just so hard because I’m second guessing everything.”

“Well, stop. Stop second guessing, Haley. You aren’t doing yourself any good, you aren’t doing Nathan any good, and you’re going to drive everyone crazy.” I manage a small smile at that. “Listen to me. We do the best with what we have, and I know and everyone knows that’s what you’ve done. Even Deb does, not that that’s stopping her from acting like the mother-in-law from hell. Stop worrying about ways or things you could have done differently, those are irrelevant.”

“Is it really that easy?” I wonder ruefully, “I’ve always been a worrier, you know that.”

“Yes, I do,” she smiles at me, “But honey, I’m telling you, that needs to stop. You can’t let it eat you up inside. When you left Jason at the altar, that was one thing. But you cannot do that again.”

“I – I’m not,” I protest, albeit weakly, “I’m holding together this time, Karen. I am.”

“How much weight have you lost?” she asks, jumping right to the point, “At least ten pounds since you were here last time. You can’t do that again, Haley. Not with Meredith around here. Nathan is getting himself help now, so you’d better start eating better, and you’d better start helping yourself.”

“I’m eating, I promise.”

“Are you?” she asks, eying me critically, “It doesn’t look like you’re eating enough then, honey. Listen, I’m not trying to criticize you, but I’m worried about you. I’m worried that you’re going to let yourself get sick, and I don’t want to see that for your sake, but also for Mere and Nathan’s sakes.”

“I – I’ll do better,” I promise, admitting that my self-care has probably been a little lax recently. She’s right, though – I should know better. “What the hell is wrong with me? Honestly.”

“Nothing is wrong with you,” she laughs, “Oh, honey, you just take too much onto yourself. You don’t share your problems with anyone, and you sort of shut down. If you didn’t have Mere, I think I’d be a lot more worried about you than I am right now.”

“If I didn’t have her, I’d have probably – well, you’re right,” I sigh, “You’d probably have a lot more reasons to be worried. She definitely keeps me going, even on the really hard days.”

“Just like Lucas kept me going on my hard days.”

I smile, “Hard to believe that pain in the butt could keep anyone going.”

“Well, he was a lot sweeter when he was younger.” She looks me in the eye, her expression again growing serious. “How’s Nathan doing at the treatment center? Have you heard from him lately?”

“He calls twice a day, mostly to talk to Mere. He’s still civil towards me, but he’s really not happy with how hard I pushed to get him in there. We’re hanging on by a thread here, and unfortunately, Mere is that thread. Which is exactly the place I don’t want her to be, that lifeline between the two of us. She doesn’t deserve that.”

“You and Nathan have a long way to go,” she admits, “I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I do hope that you both realize that this isn’t going to be easy. For either of you.”

“I’m just so scared that we’ll never be able to get things back, get us back. And at the same time, I’m scared of what would happen if I did. How can I do this to him, to myself? Keep us in this place where we aren’t together, but not apart either. That’s not fair to him.”

She looks at me, her gaze soft as sadness sets in around her eyes. “I guess you’re going to have to figure out what you’re able to put behind you. What you’re willing to sacrifice to save your relationship with Nathan.”

“You mean if I’m willing to sacrifice that part of me, that piece that is probably a part of every woman everywhere and overlook that he cheated on me?” I ask, my voice shrill and harsh. I feel bad as she cringes before nodding slowly. “I don’t know. That’s why I’m so scared. I don’t know what I’m able to do now, how I’m supposed to act.”

“I can’t tell you that either,” she sighs, looking like she truly feels horrible for that fact, “If I could, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But this is your life, and you have to make the decisions. You’re the only who knows what is best for you.” Reaching out, she grasps my hands in hers. “Just know that I think you are an amazingly strong young woman, and I know that you’re going to do the right thing. Whatever that may be.”

Sniffling at her words, I feel a surge of confidence that I know is coming straight from her. “Thank you, Karen.”

“Hey, I only speak the truth,” she grins at me, “And I have so much confidence in you, Haley James. This is something you can make it through, stronger than ever.”

“I don’t know about that,” I sigh, “But I’ll do my best. It’s all that I’ve got, right?”

“Right,” she agrees, “And that’s exactly what you need to do. Your best for all three of you, including yourself. Now, if you don’t want me stopping by every day with casseroles and watching you eat healthy portions of them, I suggest you start taking better care of yourself.”

“Okay, Mom, I promise,” I smile at her, “And you’re absolutely right about me taking better care of myself. What good does it do if everything else is taken care of for now, if in a week or a month, I collapse?”

“Exactly,” she beams, “And you do know that in every way that counts, you are my daughter, right? I know we’ve been over this before, but it’s probably harder now that you’ve been away from me for a few years now. I’ve missed you, as much as I missed Luke when he was away at college.”

“I’ve missed you, too, Karen,” I admit, smiling widely at me, even though I feel the overwhelming need to cry in her arms now, “Maybe more than anyone. You’ve always been such an amazing source of strength and help for me, that I don’t know how I’ve gotten through anything without you there.”

“Well, I’m here now. And I’m not going anywhere, and hopefully you won’t be either, for awhile at least. So anything you need, at any time, I’m your mom, okay?”

I nod, somehow managing to keep the tears, however happy, at bay. “Thank you. Not for me, so much, not anymore, but for Mere. Having you in her life as her grandmother, that is such a blessing, for her, and also for Nathan and me. She’s so lucky that she has you and Keith, she really is.”

“She’s the blessing, Haley. We love her as much as we love Luke, Eric, and you, and we are incredibly proud to be her grandparents. Even if we feel too young,” she smiles, leaning over and squeezing my hand, “She’s a wonderful little girl.”

“You only say that because you’ve never been privy to one of her fits,” I laugh, shaking my head, “That might change your mind.”

“Does she even throw fits? I’ve seen her right after getting off airplanes and having almost no sleep. If she didn’t throw a fit then, wasn’t even cranky then, just shy, then I don’t know when she’d do it!”

“She’s pretty good,” I admit, “I’ve lucked out. That probably means our next child will be a complete monster, hmm?”

She looks at me, surprised. “Your next child? The next child that you have with Nathan? Is that what you mean, Haley?”

“I – I don’t know. No, I do know. That was what I meant. It’s what I’ve always wanted, it’s how I’ve always pictured my life.” Biting hard on my lip, I let the words and their unconscious pronouncement sink over me. “Maybe things have changed, the circumstances, but it doesn’t change what’s in your heart, does it?”

“No, it doesn’t,” she agrees, “That’s why you have a mind, too. Make things messy and complicated so you don’t only think with your heart.”

“Hey, no fair throwing that in my face now!” I laugh, following her lead and not letting myself get sucked into the maudlin worries of what may be.

“I’m not,” she assures me, “I’m just reminding you that you need to take all aspects into consideration. That’s a lot, and it won’t be easy, but if you don’t considering everything, then you might regret whatever you decide.”

“I know,” I agree, “And I’ll try. As long as those things are also what is good for Mere, then great. Because that’s what everything comes down to, doing what is best for her.”

“Don’t use her as an excuse,” Karen warns me, looking at me knowingly, “Either way, whether you end things with Nathan or you decide that you can make it work, don’t make her be the main reason.”

“I know,” I sigh, “She’s just such a huge factor, and what if rehab doesn’t work for Nathan? What if he comes out and starts taking drugs again? We can’t be with that, neither of us.”

“Don’t think such negative thoughts!” she admonishes me sharply, “Just stop that.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” I agree again, “I’m sorry. That does me no good, and it’s a disservice to him.”

“Exactly. Now, when are you going to see him next?”

“Tomorrow,” I smile, “I’m taking Meredith with me, something I know will be very good for both of them. She misses him, very much, and it’s practically devastating for him to be without her. I’m excited for both of them.”

“Nathan hasn’t said much of how things are going there for him?”

Shaking my head, I sigh. “It’s hard for him. He agreed to go, but he’s still upset with me for forcing the issue. And maybe he’s right, maybe that wasn’t fair. But none of us could’ve gone on the way we were, afraid he’d keel over again, afraid there were still drugs in the house. It was too much, and I had to do it. Maybe he’ll understand and be able to talk to me someday.”

“He probably understands more than you’d think now. Those Scotts are a stubborn bunch, trust me, I’ve raised two and am married to a third. They know how to dig their heels in better than anyone I’ve ever known.”

I laugh at that, knowing she’s right. “Maybe you’re right. I hope so, anyway. It’d be nice to think that Nathan understands my reasoning a little, even if he can’t express that.”

“I think he does, sweetie. Maybe he just can’t admit it to himself, though, let alone you. He knows that he’d die before letting anything happen to Meredith, and he knows that this lifestyle of his could’ve hurt her. He knows, he really does.”

She’s right, he must know. If he didn’t, if he truly believed that this couldn’t touch Mere, couldn’t hurt her, then he wouldn’t have conceded to entering the treatment facility. He would’ve fought harder for us to stay in Seattle. It’s hard knowing that this is still going to be a bone of contention between us, something that he’ll resent even though he knows it is the right thing, but it gives us a common ground. It gives me hope that he’s starting to come around, he’s starting to come back to the Nathan he used to be, my Nathan.

~*~

“Haley bo baley, wake up!” Brooke snaps in my ear, shaking my attention back to her, “Where’d you go?”

“I don’t know, just drifted off, I guess,” I sigh, smiling softly at her.

We’re at the mall this afternoon, taking a day free of children and boyfriends and responsibility to just shop and pamper ourselves, and while Brooke is in the spirit, I think she’s finding me to be a bit of a wet blanket.

“Are you okay?” she asks carefully. Since I’ve been back here, we haven’t discussed the phone call blow-up, and we’ve actually gone out of our ways to avoid subjects that aren’t completely neutral.

“Yeah, I am,” I smile, “All things considered, I’m good. We’re going to see Nathan tomorrow, Mere and I.”

She raises a surprised eyebrow at me. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? Do you really want to take Meredith to place filled with junkies?”

“Brooke,” I snap, my tone filled with warning, “Nathan is one of those so-called junkies. And yes, I do want to take her there. Her father loves her dearly, and he is her favorite person in the world. She needs him, and he needs her, and I’m not going to deprive them of that when I don’t have to. This will be good for all of us.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” she nods, looking away, “It just doesn’t seem like a nice place to take a sweet two and a half year old baby, you know?”

“I suppose it isn’t,” I shrug, “And it’s not exactly the top of the list in terms of where I’d want her to see her father, but that doesn’t change the fact that I want her to see him. And I want him to have this time with her, too. She makes the biggest difference in terms of getting through to him, and I’m going to fight fire with fire with this addiction if I have to. I’ll do anything I can to get him healthy again.”

“You need that peace of mind,” she sighs.

“Huh?” I look at her expectantly, waiting for her to explain what she means.

“Ever since I started getting to know you all that time ago, I’ve known that you have this need to know Nathan is okay. It’s like, you can’t live your life unless you have the peace of mind that comes with knowing he’s fine.” She shakes her head. “I never really thought about it much before, but after the hell he’s put you through, and seeing how important it is to you that he gets better, it seems so obvious.”

“I love him, Brooke. I’ve loved him since I was practically a kid, of course I want him to be okay. God, he’s the father of my baby, and I’ve always pictured him as being my husband and having more children with him. I don’t know if that will happen, but that doesn’t change the fact that I love him more than anything, and would do anything to help him. Make him okay. In some ways, maybe it is as much for me as it is for him.”

“I just wish that he would stop putting you through this,” she groans, shaking her head, “What he’s doing, it isn’t fair to you and it isn’t fair to Meredith. I hate seeing you two in limbo like this because of him.”

“He can’t help it, Tigger,” I try again to explain, “He’s an addict, but do you think he wants to be that way? It’s a disease.”

“And that gives him absolution as far as you’re concerned?”

“No, of course not,” I counter, “There’s a lot of things that he did, some of them intentionally to hurt me, that he has to take responsibility for. We’ll deal with that later. For now, I need to give him everything I can to help him heal. That’s just how it has to be.”

“I’m afraid you’re the one that’s going to come out with damage from this,” she admits, tears in her eyes, “And I’m just so afraid that you’re going to be hurt. I’m worried for you, Tutor Mommy. Really worried.”

“I know you are,” I sigh, bumping my shoulder into hers, “And I appreciate it. You just have to let me do this my way. I know what’s best for my family now, and I’m going to fight to get them that. Maybe things won’t turn out the way I’ve always dreamed they will, but it’ll be okay as long as they are. I’ll be okay as long as they are.”

Understanding dawning, she nods. I think that the closer she and Tim get, the more she begins to understand how things are for me, why I’d do anything for Nathan and Meredith. And they are getting closer, almost at an exponential rate. Tim says that having me around gives Brooke a little extra confidence and the boost she needs to let down her guards against emotional intimacy, the ones that kept her so separate from Luke when they married.

He had admitted to me that he was concerned that he was just another fling for her, that he wasn’t sure if they’d ever go anywhere, but all of a sudden, she’s been full speed ahead on the intimacy deal. He’s not complaining, but a part of him wonders at the sudden change. Maybe he’s right, and having me around to reassure her does calm her down in some way.

“I think I get it,” she sighs, “I don’t like it because I don’t like seeing you hurt, but I think I understand it.”

“Because you’d do the same if it was Tim in Nathan’s position, right?” I prod gently, in case she isn’t ready to talk about it. There are still some commitment issues that she has to work through, some the result of the thing that happened with Luke, some just in her nature to be a single flirt.

“Yeah, I guess I would. And Karen would do the same for Keith, and so on. I’ve never – before Tim, it was never like that. I mean, for you and Tim, yeah, I’d do anything. You two are my best friends, the best that I’ve ever had.”

“But now Tim is more than that, right?”

She nods. “He’s my best friend, but he’s my lover, too. And even that is just a paltry description because is so much. He’s still that same doofus who wanted to wear a loincloth as a Halloween costume, the guy who always tried to con us into making out, the one who has a bad joke for everything. He’s still that guy, but now he’s a man. A really good man.”

“One of the best,” I agree, smiling, “He really is one of the best.”

“I’m lucky,” she nods, “So lucky that my best friend has turned out to be so much more than just that for me. He’s – I think he’s my soulmate, Tutor Mama.”

“I think he is, too,” I admit, laughing when she squeals and jumps up and down a little, “You two really are something else together. You fit. It works.”

“Thank you, that means a lot that you’d say that. Especially when I’m being such a bitch about your relationship.”

“I’d disagree, but you totally have,” I laugh, brushing it off. In her own way, Brooke means well, and it’s hard to stay mad at her for trying to help. Even if her help has a way of making things worse. But she’s trying to be understanding, and reciprocating that is the least of things I can do right now.

“Yeah, I know,” she moans, dragging me towards a coffee stand, “And I am sorry. I hope you know that I’m here for you, no matter what, and that I support any and all decisions you make.”

“I know that, Tigger,” I grin, “And hey, ditto.”

“Thank you,” she smiles, pausing to order us lattes when we get to the front of the line. “Anyway, if there’s anything I can do, let me know. I want to help. Oh, I can bake cookies for you to take to Nathan! Yes, I can do that! I think.”

“You don’t bake,” I laugh, taking the latte from the barista when she passes them to us, “And it’s a nice thought, but it isn’t necessary.”

“But the food there must suck, right? Wouldn’t he appreciate something homemade?”

“Well, he hasn’t said anything,” I sigh, wondering if she’s right, and he just doesn’t want to say these things to me, “Maybe I should take him something, though.”

“Has he talked much about it?” she asks as we sit down at a table, placing our bags on the ground, “What’s it like?”

“He doesn’t talk to me much period,” I admit, “Most of our conversations revolve around passing the phone to Mere. Telling him I was bringing her to visit was the longest we’ve talked since he entered. Hopefully once I see him in person, and now that he’s been there for awhile, things will be better.”

“I’m sure they will,” she agrees, “It’s probably been a really big adjustment for him being there, right? Plus, he just got out of the hospital.”

I raise my eyebrows at her, trying not to laugh. “Okay, you don’t have to go from being completely down on him to being his biggest defender,” I tell her.

“Hey, I’m trying here!” she defends, “And you know I’m not good at doing anything on a small scale, so I’m jumping in without getting my feet wet. Or checking to see how deep it is.”

We chat over our coffee for awhile, shifting the topics to neutral subjects, and just get caught up on each other’s lives and new interests. It’s hard to fall back into the easy friendship we had before I moved; it’s still there and I know it means the world to both of us, but it isn’t as easy as it was when we were twenty-two and our lives were so much simpler. Fewer complications.

“So, I think I’m going to take Meredith to the pound and get her a dog,” I tell her, “You should come with us. Actually, I’m begging you. You’re the vet, and I have no clue on what to look for in a puppy, so maybe you could help us choose one?”

“I’d love that!” she beams, “We can go whenever you want!”

“Don’t tell my daughter that, she’ll want to go today,” I laugh, groaning when I see the gleam in Brooke’s eyes, “No, not today, I want to clear it with Nathan first. Make sure he’s fine with us getting her a dog. Make sure he won’t mind me doing it without him.”

She laughs, “How did you know?”

“I know that look, Brooke Davis, I’ve seen that look a thousand times. And it usually precedes you getting me into trouble!”

“Okay, we’ll wait, and if Nathan wants to come along, the more the merrier. And if he doesn’t, we’ll make Tim or Luke come along. Some dogs, especially rescue dogs, react differently to males. Hey, one of my patient’s dogs just had puppies, and I know she’s looking to give them away. They come from a good home, and if she can’t find homes, they’ll end up in the pound anyway. It might be a good place to start.”

“You’re just a regular fount of information, aren’t you?” I grin, “But that would be lovely, to check that out. Since there is a child in the house, probably better to get a dog from a known source, I suppose, rather than taking a chance on a pound dog.”

“Exactly,” she agrees, “Pound dogs can be wonderful, but since you’ve never had a dog, at least not in the last six years or so, starting with a known is better than an unknown. And they’re cute mutt puppies, you’ll love them. More importantly, Meredith will love them.”

“Oh, she’d love a pit bull until it bit her in the face,” I sigh, “I’m really working on her not to go running up to dogs until I tell her it is okay.”

“She’ll learn. Kids always do.”

“Do I sound overprotective when I say things like that?” I ask, crinkling my nose at the thought, “Lately, I’m afraid I’m holding her too tight, that since everything is going on with Nathan, I’m clinging to her.”

“Haley, it’s not overprotection to worry about her running up to strange dogs, it’s just good parenting. Relax, you aren’t doing her permanent damage by teaching her manners and how to behave around pets. Kids need to learn things like that, and you’re her parent. You teach her.”

“Thank you,” I smile. “I don’t want to project my fears of losing Nathan onto her.”

“You aren’t, at least it doesn’t sound like it to me. And gosh, she gets happier every time I see her, so clearly, you’re doing something right. She likes the new house.”

“What’s not to like? That playground Nathan bought is incredible. I still can’t believe he did that; he’s always thinking of her,” I sigh, a little wistful. “It’s a child’s dream.”

“It’s Tim’s dream!” Brooke exclaims, pouting, “He was just talking about it last night, how he wants to go over and play on the swingset. And then he added, ‘With Meredith, I mean.’! It was a total afterthought, Tutor Mommy! He’s a big child. My boyfriend is an overgrown child.”

“Oh, but you’ve always known that,” I crack up, reminding her, “You wouldn’t even want him any other way, even if you could change him!”

“I know, but still. He wants to play on a playground that belongs to a two year old? I feel like I’m robbing the cradle or something, and he’s four months older than me!”

Still laughing, I reach over to pat her on the shoulder. “Well, at least he’s grown up some since when we first started hanging out with him.”

“God,” she mutters, “No wonder it took so long for me and him to find each other. He was an immature little punk!”

“And you both liked dating around,” I remind her, “That probably was more of a factor than him growing up. Oh, plus the whole friend obstacle. Who knew being friends could be such an obstacle to true love?”

“Shut up,” she laughs, “I can’t believe you’re throwing all of that in my face!”

“So, how serious are you two? Where’s this going?”

“To the end,” she smiles, “You’ll get to wear a pretty dress and put flowers in your hair, and Meredith will be all kinds of gorgeous in a yellow dress throwing flowers around, probably rushing too fast because Tim is making faces at her.”

”Um, is there something I should know about?” I gasp, startled.

“No,” she laughs, “Not yet. But that’s where we’re going. I know it; I feel it. And I’m okay with it, I’m ready for it. I’m ready for forever.”

“That’s so wonderful, Tigger,” I smile at her, sniffling back happy tears, “God, I can’t wait to find out what wacky way he proposes to you!”

“Me either!” she agrees, dissolving into laughter.

She’s happy, so obviously happy that it sparks the tiniest amount of envy in me, envy that I quickly tamp down. She doesn’t deserve to feel bad that I want what she has, that I want that giddy, exciting aspect of a relationship back. God, that I want a relationship back period, the good, the bad, and maybe even the ugly.

Chapter 12 (cont) - 13

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