Getting It All Back

By Brynne

“We need to be at the airport at 6 am,” I tell Brooke when she opens the door to Mere and me, “I know you hate the early crap, but I just want to get there and get back.”

“Is my ticket refundable?” she asks, looking like she feels awful, “I’m so sorry, but I have two animals that were brought in for abscessed bite wounds, and while they can wait until morning, they can’t wait longer than that.”

“Oh,” I sigh, trying not to look too disappointed as she leans over to kiss Mere, “It’s okay, Brooke. We’ll be okay on our own, huh, sweets?”

“Are you sure? I am so sorry to do this to you, and so last minute, too.”

“No, really, Brooke, its okay,” I assure her, setting Mere down and pulling Brooke into a hug, “We’re going to be fine. It’s just clothes, mostly, and Mere’s stuff. And you know I was going to get movers over there anyway.”

“Are you sure? Maybe Tim or Luke could go with you instead?” she suggests, sighing, “I know you didn’t really want to go back there alone.”

“Well, I’ll have Mere, and it will be fine, Tigger,” I promise her, “I don’t necessarily look forward to going back there and doing what I’m going to do, but it needs to be done. And I can do it.”

“What if he shows up?” she asks, concerned.

“Brooke, he’s in jail right now,” I inform her, almost laughing at her comically gaping reaction to that, “Dan dragged him down there and got him arrested for having and consuming illegal substances and having drug paraphernalia.”

“Wow,” she breathes, “And you, are you okay with that?”

“Like I told Deb, if the alternative is going to the Las Vegas morgue, then yeah, I’m really okay with it,” I sigh, “I mean, I know this is sort of the final nail in Nathan’s coffin in some ways, but at least he’s getting a wake-up call.”

She nods. “I hope this really does the trick for him, you know? This has been going on for so long now, and maybe this will stop him from making a truly tragic mistake.”

“Well, I’m hoping,” I admit, trying to smile.

“I know,” she smiles, hugging me again. “Where’d Meredith run off to?”

“Probably to find that huge cache of toys you and Tim have been supplying her with ever since we got here,” I laugh, forcing myself to relax.

“Too much?”

I roll my eyes. “Tim bought her the entire Barbie© collection,” I remind her, “Maybe just a tad too much. And you’re no better, seeing as how you bought her all those books and those stuffed animals.”

“She’s so cute!” she protests, “I don’t know how you can restrain yourself from buying out the stores every time you take her out!”

“And you and I both know that she’s not exactly the least spoiled child who ever walked the planet,” I laugh, “You sound like Nathan. He loves buying her things.”

“She’s too cute to resist,” Brooke shrugs, “Are you sure you’re okay with me not going? You really could wait for me, or I could, I don’t know, call in some favors. Get someone else to take the animals in for surgery?”

“No, Brooke, you have a job, and I’m not going to take you away from it when you’re really needed here. Mere and I will be just fine. It isn’t a big deal, I promise.”

“Okay,” she finally agrees, although she still looks doubtful, “I just feel so bad about telling you’d I’d go then backing out.”

“It’s okay, Brooke,” I tell her, yet again, “I think I’m a big enough girl now to be able to take my daughter across the country for a day or two.”

“I wasn’t implying you couldn’t. I don’t know, I guess I’m just worried that you’ll stay there, or that Nathan will show up while you’re there, and I don’t know what you’re thinking these days, but that wouldn’t be a good thing,” she argues, “Not with Meredith there.”

“Hey, I know that,” I insist, “And he won’t be there. Jail. Vegas. Remember?”

“Don’t get mad at me,” she says, “I’m just trying to point out that maybe you should get someone to go with you. Take Lucas, come on!”

“I don’t want to take him, Brooke, and besides, he has a job. He teaches school. And he can’t just keep missing work to fly across the country to be my babysitter. I don’t need a babysitter, even.”

“I’m not say you do,” she sighs, “But what if Nathan shows up? What then?”

“I don’t know,” I admit, “It doesn’t change anything, I’m still coming back here. This is where I want to be, and this is where I need to be right now.”

“Okay, Haley, my point isn’t so much that he might get you to stay, but it’s more of a what if thing. What if he’s high?” she asks, sounding pretty reasonable, I guess, “I just – you and Mere shouldn’t be exposed to that anymore.”

“Brooke, that’s the thing, he isn’t even going to be there!” I exclaim, “It’ll be fine. And even if he was, Nathan might go out of his way to verbally hurt me, but he’d never do any physical damage. I really believe that.”

“Even after all of this?” she asks.

“Even after everything.”

She finally nods. “Okay, fine, it’ll just be you and Mere. And I’m sure you’re right, he’ll still be in Vegas tied up with the legal mess he’s made for himself.”

I nod. “Exactly, he’s got that business to take care of, and this isn’t something he can just ignore, right?”

“Well, he could,” she shrugs, “But that would just make it a lot worse.”

I nod. “I really hope this snaps him out it, you know? At least enough to sober him up and get through the legal process. It’s going to be a mess for him.”

“Well, at least he already got fired,” she shrugs, “I mean, they can’t do it a second time, right? So it can’t get worse on that front.”

I shake my head at her. “It’s a good thing I know you’re kidding. Otherwise, I’d have probably taken that pretty badly.”

“Sorry,” she smiles, still managing to look apologetic, “You know me and my big mouth. Always saying something I shouldn’t.”

I just smile back at her, moving to give her a hug. “How are things with you and Tim? Still in the honeymoon phase?”

“Yeah, it’s nice,” she nods, “Tim and I really have something here. I think that it scares him a bit, you know, that things are so easy with us.”

“Is that not a good thing?” I wonder aloud.

“Easy doesn’t always means right, and you know that,” she returns, “You’ve had easy in the past, and it wasn’t enough, was it?”

I shrug. “I guess not. That was different, though. A different kind of easy.”

“How was it different? Easy is easy, right?”

“No, it isn’t all the same,” I laugh, “Okay, think about it. I latched onto something that was easy because I was scared to go for something that I really wanted. You and Tim, it’s just easy because you guys are so close, so comfortable together. It is different. It was easy for me because there wasn’t love involved, and you know that is what I was scared of.”

“You weren’t scared of love,” she corrects, “You were scared of loving Nathan and then losing him, but you still went for him, which was the hard choice in your life. That’s why you tried to settle for what was easy.”

“Yeah, and look how well it turned out for me once I finally came to my senses, huh?” She blanches, and I cringe at my own statement. “Sorry, probably not what you needed to hear. And besides, you know it wasn’t all bad. You know that for the vast majority of my life with Nathan, I’ve been happier than anyone. Things have gone to hell, yeah, but it wasn’t always like this.”

“I know,” she smiles, “You guys were really good together. Nathan has always been a jerk, in my mind, but you two really work together.”

“Is it wrong that a small part of me wishes that we could go back?” I ask, my voice small.

“No, of course not!” she’s quick to reassure me, “I’d call you a liar if you said you didn’t. It doesn’t just go away, you know?”

I nod. “Yeah, believe me, I know that. And I don’t think I even want it to, either. I just want to get to the point where it’s easier. Where it doesn’t hurt to breathe,” I sigh.

“Hey, you’re going to get there, Tutor Mommy, I know you will. This doesn’t help, I know, but it does take time.” She shrugs, “I guess it’s just a waiting game now.”

I nod, taking a deep breath. “Yeah, I guess so. Okay, can I help you with dinner?”

She shakes her head. “I ordered out. It seemed easier that way, and more fun, too. Just a ton and a half of Chinese food. We can sit around outside and pig out.”

“Sounds good to me,” I agree. Got to fill up the empty spaces somehow, right?

She links arms with me, dragging me out onto the deck. “Oh, we forgot the rugrat,” she grins, “Let me go grab her.”

I nod, dropping into an empty chair at the table. “Hi everyone,” I smile.

“Hey James,” Tim grins, “Where’s Meredith?”

I swear, I could be invisible sometimes. “Brooke’s getting her and bringing her out here. If you guys bought her more toys, I’ll kill you.”

“Well, it’s not really just a toy,” he shrugs, “It’s a sprinkler, one of those awesome ones that are in the middle of the kiddie pool and they shoot up like a fountain.”

“He’s more excited about it than she will be,” Luke comments, his gaze fixed on Lola, who appears to be trying to pretend not to notice. I can’t get a read on whether or not she reciprocates his interest, although Brooke thinks she does.

Brooke, Tim, and I have a little side bet going on with regards to how long before they’ll hook up. Tim picked the shortest amount of time, and is utterly convinced he’ll win. He says since he knows them best, he has the best chance of guessing how long they can hold out. I picked the middle, and Brooke went long, thinking that both are too pansy-ass to do anything about it. In all honesty, I don’t care if they do or not, but joining in with Brooke and Tim’s bet made me feel human again, like I was part of something. Not so disconnected.

And that’s really how I feel sometimes. I probably shouldn’t – there are many well-meaning and caring people here who love me and my daughter and welcome us into their lives. But at the same time, I lost my touchstone. That’s what Nathan is to me, my comfort, and my grounding force. And not having him with me now, that’s hard. Not know if I’ll have him again, if I can even let myself want him again, that’s painful.

Being here, though, with friends, actually does give me the opportunity to be normal, seem normal. And normalcy is something I’ve come to crave. My life has always had it in spades before. Nothing about me was ever extraordinary, nothing was ever that interesting. For awhile, when Nathan and I first started dating, I suppose there was interest, but it faded quickly, which was fine for me. And I’ve always been about the routine. Having that ripped away makes me feel like the tightrope I’ve walked on was suddenly taken away, and now is when I fall.

It has been strenuous, at best. And I don’t know, maybe it’s getting better, maybe things are getting a little easier, but it’s still so hard. So damn hard. It is still fresh, though, and I guess I have to give it time. But giving it time isn’t exactly what I have in mind. Contrary to song lyrics from the seventies, time is not on my side.

“Haley?” Tim’s voice calls, snapping me to attention.

“Huh? I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he smiles, as do Luke and Lola, “Are you okay?”

I nod, pasting a smile on my face as well. “Yeah, just thinking of a few things I need to remember to pack for Mere, that’s all.”

“How is to travel with her?” Lola asks, glancing at Luke before fixing her gaze on me. Tim catches it, too, and rolls his eyes at me.

“Oh, she’s okay,” I shrug, “She’ll probably nap a lot of the way, especially if she’s up late tonight. Of course, that just means she’ll be cranky when she is awake, but if she sleeps on the plane, it might be worth it.”

“She’ll be glad to be home,” Tim smiles.

I shrug. “I don’t know, I think it won’t be pretty when we have to leave again. But I’m not going without her, not again.”

“You won’t be gone long,” Luke reasons, “Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to let her stay here. You’d be back before you know it.”

“I can’t,” I sigh, “Leaving her again isn’t an option. She’ll be fine, just a little cranky by the time we get back here.” Brooke walks in the room, Mere in her arms. “Speaking of my little devil. Come here, sweets.”

Brooke sets her down, and she runs over to me, letting me pick her up and set her on my lap. “Hi Mommy!” she grins brightly at me.

“Hi Mere,” I laugh, “Did you say hi to Tim and Lola?”

“Hi!” she waves briefly before turning towards Luke, “Up, Lukie!”

“Ha,” Brooke laughs, “Lukie, pick the child up!” She turns to me. “It is absolutely brilliant that you taught her to call him that!”

“Well, I have my moments,” I smile, passing Mere to Brooke who hands her over to Luke, “And not to rush you, but are we going to eat soon? I’m starving.”

“Jeez, Hales, you ate like all of Meredith and Eric’s lunch today. You pregnant or something?” Luke smirks.

“Bite your tongue,” I retort, rolling my eyes, “Not even a remote chance of that, thank you very much.”

“Well, the last time you chowed like that, this was the reason,” he says, holding Mere up above her head.

“Can’t I just be hungry?” I smile as Mere laughs at what Luke is doing to her. My smile quickly fades, though, as I think that it should be Nathan doing that with her, not Luke. Not that it is bad that Luke – or anyone, for that matter – is so affectionate with her; it’s just that in some ways, I feel like they’re stepping into his role.

And it probably shouldn’t bother me. I should be happy, or relieved, that she has people in her life willing to step in and make sure she has what she needs, even in terms of affection. I just want her to get those things from Nathan, and while it is hard now, I do still believe that someday he’s going to pull himself together and be that for her. He and I may never be okay again, but I really do believe he’ll get things together for Meredith.

Dinner passes quietly, but I do feel like the fifth wheel. Tim and Brooke are definitely in the touchy-feely early relationship stage, and apparently Luke and Lola are in the pre-whatever stage where they constantly flirt. I have Mere with me, yeah, but she doesn’t exactly ease the loneliness that I’m experiencing without Nathan.

“We’re going to take off,” I announce not long after we finish eating, “I’ve still got a few things to do, and Mere is getting tired.”

“Oh, no, don’t go yet, this is fun, just hanging out,” Brooke protests, pouting, “And you’re leaving tomorrow, and we should hang out!”

“Brooke, I’ll be gone for one night, two tops. I think you’ll survive,” I laugh, standing up, “And I’ll call you tomorrow, too.”

“Okay,” she sighs, standing up, too. Tim and Luke follow suit, both moving around the table to hug me and tell me to call if I need anything. I just roll my eyes at them, but let them be concerned and protective. It’s sweet, if unnecessary.

“I’ll see you guys in a couple days. Say bye, Mere,” I tell her. She is tired, half asleep on my shoulder already.

“She’s going to be crabby tomorrow,” Luke predicts, and I nod, thinking he’s probably right. But I’m banking on her being happy when we get to the house in Seattle, at least for a little while. Maybe it is too selfish of me to take her with me – being at the house, she’s only going to want to know where Nathan is. Maybe it isn’t right of me to subject her to it.

I can’t bring myself to ask if she can stay with one of them, though. I just can’t. Especially with Brooke being unable to go, I just want her there with me.

“Okay,” I smile when all three of them have hugged us, “I’ll see you guys really soon.” Meredith waves to them all sleepily as we walk out to the car.

She smiles at me as I buckle her into her car seat. “Hi Mommy,” she greets as if I haven’t spent the better part of the day holding her.

“Hi baby,” I smile back, just standing here with her for a minute, “It’s just us against the world, I guess.”

She laughs, as if she has a clue what I’m talking about. “Yes!” she squeals, looking pleased with herself.

Me and Mere against the world? There could definitely be worse things, that’s for sure.

~*~

Getting to Seattle is the worst trip I’ve ever taken. Our flight is bumped due to being under booked, so we end up hanging around the airport for four hours before the flight they switched us to departs. It had two stops and a layover, the latter of which lasted two hours. So it is well into the evening before we land, and Mere is not pleased. And of course, if Mere isn’t pleased and is making that known, then I’m not really pleased, either.

It takes us almost eight hours more than it should’ve, and by the time I get her to the house, both of us are so tired that I immediately get us changed and we collapse onto the big bed in me and Nathan’s room.

I wake up the next morning to the sounds of Meredith playing in her room. Her room. I throw on a robe, and pad across the hall, pausing in the doorway to watch her. She looks so happy to be surrounded by her toys again, and it is a relief that we can take most of them to Tree Hill with us. It’s obvious she isn’t going to want to leave, but once we get back to Tree Hill with her toys and she gets to continue being spoiled by everyone, I think that will smooth things over for her some.

I leave her in there to play, and head to the kitchen to make us breakfast. It’s ten, Seattle time, so we’ve missed both breakfast and lunch, basically. Fine for me, not fine for a two year old. I’d called Melissa yesterday and asked her to drop some groceries off so that I’d be able to feed Mere, and I’m grateful to see she did just that. She’s also smarter than I am, and also left a bunch of boxes for me to pack our stuff up in.

I throw together a couple of sandwiches and slice up some fruit and call Mere out onto the deck. This is a nice time of day here in the summer, at least. The lakeside of the house faces west, so the sun is just now creeping around. It isn’t too hot, but it is definitely warm enough to be outside. It is almost enough to make me miss it here. Combined with everything else, I think I do actually miss it here.

I love this house, I love the lake, I love our yard. So much has happened here, almost all of Mere’s life has been spent here. And in some ways, being back here with her makes it seem like nothing has changed. Of course, nothing could be farther from the truth, but it is easy to let the way things used to be wash over me here.

“Mommy, duckies!” Mere squeals, sliding off her chair and running for the dock.

“Meredith Ryan Scott, you come back here right this instant!” I yell. We were going to put a fence up this summer so that she couldn’t get near the water, but of course that’s been the furthest thing from anyone’s mind. Luckily she’s short and easy to catch up with for now. “Meredith, you listen to me,” I tell her when I reach her.

“Duckies!” she whines, struggling to be released when I pick her up.

“No, you need to eat your sandwich,” I tell her, not setting her down until I get her to her chair. She just glares at me, her bottom lip out in a pout. “That isn’t going to change my mind. Eat your sandwich, Meredith.”

She finally finishes her sandwich, and once she does, I take her down to see the ducks after grabbing a few slices of bread to feed them. She’s being a brat and probably shouldn’t get indulged like this, but yesterday was such a nightmare I can forgive a two year old for acting, well, like a two year old.

It is fun to do this with her, nice knowing how happy it makes her, but at the same time, it feels wrong. Nathan usually did this with us, and his not being here isn’t easy right now. Not that anything would be easier if he were, because that is just patently not the case.

After awhile, I pick her up, ignoring her protests. “Sorry, sweets, but I have to pack now, and you cannot be out here alone.” I kiss her on the tip of the nose. “But I will put on a movie for you.”

“Lilo?” she asks.

”Yeah, sure, Lilo, babe, that sounds good,” I assure her.

We go inside, and I set her up in her room with the movie and a cup of dry Cheerios to munch on, and then move to my bedroom. It’ll be easier to pack up Mere’s stuff tonight, when she’s sleeping, than fight with her now about why I’m putting her toys in boxes. I’m going to try and get us out of here as soon as possible tomorrow morning, so that way she’ll be well rested.

It doesn’t take long to toss the clothes that I want to take with me into the boxes. There isn’t much else to take, just some jewelry, photographs, and a few scrapbooks I’ve made over the years. I don’t want to gut the house. I want most everything to be here for Nathan when he comes back. The familiarity would probably be good for him. There are some cookbooks I want to take, and my espresso machine, but pretty much everything that is jointly ours, I’m going to leave. It’ll be easier that way. Probably on a couple of levels.

After awhile of folding clothes and boxing up my things, I go and check on Mere, who has fallen back asleep in front of the TV in her room. Deciding to let her sleep, I close the door and walk out into the living room, trying to decide what I can take from out here. It is harder out here, there isn’t a definite division of where my things end and Nathan’s begin. Out here, everything is just ours.

The phone rings, and I move into the kitchen to answer it.

“When are you coming home?” Brooke asks before I even have a chance to say hello.

“Tomorrow,” I sigh, “I told you that yesterday when I called from the stupid Denver airport during our layover.”

“Just making sure you hadn’t changed your mind.”

“Nope, I’ll pack up Mere’s stuff tonight, and we’ll leave first thing in the morning. I’ll email you once I figure out flight times and stuff, okay?”

“Yeah, that’s good,” she agrees, “So, how are you holding up? I can’t even imagine how hard it is for you to be there, packing all of your stuff up.”

“Yeah, it’s really hard,” I sigh, moving down the hall towards my office. Another room that will be easier to pack up. And everything in here is stuff that I’ll definitely need, especially when I get back into designing, which will hopefully be sooner than later.

“Are you okay? I can fly out this afternoon, if you need me to,” she offers, “It wouldn’t be a problem at all.”

“Brooke, we’re fine, I promise. I love you for wanting to help, but we’ll be okay. Besides, Melissa has offered her expertise, and she’s a lot closer. You have a life, hon, and I’m not going to drag you out here to sort through mine with me.”

“That’s what friends do, though,” she reminds me.

“I know, I do. This is just – look, I’ve got my bedroom and bathroom packed up already. I’ll do my office as soon as I purchase tickets, and then all that’s left is Mere’s room, which I’ll do tonight after she’s sleeping. I’ll be done before you could even get here.”

She sighs, giving in. “Okay, fine. You’re right, it wouldn’t be practical. But don’t say I didn’t offer!”

”I wouldn’t dream of it,” I laugh.

“How’s Mere?”

“I think she’s really happy to be back here. We got to feed the ducks, and she woke up before me today, and was in her room playing on the floor. When she wakes up before me at Luke’s, she just lies there waiting for me or wakes me up. Definitely not as comfortable as she is here. This is the only place she’s ever lived,” I shrug.

“She’ll adapt after you guys are here for awhile,” she assures me, “It’s just a matter of getting used to it.”

“I know,” I agree, “She’ll be fine. Doesn’t make me feel much better, though.”

“You are doing the right thing by moving home,” she tells me, sounding worried, “You still know that, right?”

“Yeah, I do,” I sigh, “Again, doesn’t make it easier. This is our home, this has been our home, and it is hard to leave. And even though I’m doing it for all the right reasons, smart reasons, it doesn’t make it hurt less. Every milestone in Mere’s life so far has been here. It just sucks.”

“Okay, I’m going to let you go,” she says, “You guys are going to be okay. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know that,” I laugh, “We’ll be fine. I’ll email you the times and flight numbers, okay? Have a good night, Tigger. Thanks for worrying about us.”

“I love you guys.”

“We love you, too.”

After we hang up, I purchase our tickets for tomorrow and call the movers, and verify that they’ll be here in plenty of time early tomorrow morning to get everything loaded on the truck before I have to leave the house. Once everything is settled, I go about taking apart all of my office equipment and putting it in the boxes. It takes awhile, and by the time I’m done, I can hear Mere up and moving around in her room.

It’s getting late now, about dinner time. This day has been so strange – wake up late, eat, pack a little, eat again, pack a little more. When Mere comes into the office, dragging her blankie behind her, I stop what I’m doing, and sit down on the floor, letting her climb on my lap.

“Hi sweets, you want some dinner?”

She nods her head. “Hot dog, pease.”

I laugh at her tone. So like Nathan, not really asking, more like ordering. “I don’t know if we have any, but if we don’t, we can go to the store, okay?”

“Now?”

“Okay, now,” I agree, setting her on her feet and moving to mine. We walk into the kitchen, and I check the fridge. Unfortunately, hot dogs are about the only thing not in here. “Sure you don’t want pizza?” I ask her, knowing it is futile. Once she makes her mind up, she’s nothing if not determined.

“Mommy, hot dog!” she insists, and I give in, nodding.

“Yeah, okay. Well, if you want hot dogs, we’re both going to have to get dressed, young lady,” I smile at her. I change into jeans and a tank top, which is an improvement over the boxer shorts and ratty t-shirt I’d had on, and put Mere in a cute little sundress. “You ready?”

“Yes! Let’s go hot dogs!” she orders, and I just laugh, kissing her forehead.

Instead of driving to the store, I take her into the next town over to this little hamburger joint that has hot dogs and get her one of those. It’s across the street from the beach and this really nice park, so Mere can run and play and I can relax in the sun for a bit. If I’d thought about it sooner, I’d have called Melissa to bring her kids down here, but it’s probably just easier for it to be Mere and me for now.

We stay out here for an hour, and I push her on the swings and help her go down the slides. She makes friends with a little girl who is just a smidge bigger than her, and they have fun running around together. She pouts a little when I tell her that it is time to go, but she’s tired enough that she doesn’t really protest. Plus, I bribe her with the promise of cookies, which I know we have at home.

I let her in the house, laughing to myself as she runs straight for the kitchen, ostensibly looking for cookies. I’m hanging my purse up when I hear her squeal. That’s definitely not uncommon, she’s a boisterous child. What is uncommon is what she squeals: Daddy.

She squeals it about fifteen times in fact, not that I’m counting. And then I hear his voice, and I freeze. This wasn’t supposed to happen, he wasn’t supposed to be here. My God, what is he doing here?

Breaking out of my stunned freeze, I head for the kitchen, willing myself to be calm and not freak out about this now. When I see them, Nathan kneeling down to her level with his arms wrapped around her like he never wants to let her go, my heart breaks for the millionth time. Why was he so willing to risk that? Why couldn’t just think of her and stop? I know how much he loves her, I see it, even now, plain as day. But he still risked it, risked her!

I have my hand over my mouth, barely realizing that I’m biting down on my thumb as the tears stream down my face. Mere is talking a thousand miles a minute, most of the words incomprehensible in her excitement, but when Nathan pulls away, he just smiles at her and nods like he understands every single one of them. Neither of them acknowledge me, although I’m sure Nathan knows I’m standing here.

I brush away the tears, actually taking a step back when Mere spots me, jumping up and down excitedly. “Mommy! Daddy is here!”

I nod at her, avoiding Nathan’s gaze. “I see that, baby,” I murmur, trying to smile for her benefit, “I see that.”

“Cookie?” she then asks, her abrupt change of topic startling a chuckle out of me.

“Yeah, you can have your cookie now,” I sigh, having to walk past them to get it. Mere goes back to babbling to Nathan, telling him about Lucas’s dog. I open the bag that is sitting on the counter, and wait for her to turn back to me, not wanting to interrupt her reunion with Nathan.

“Daddy, too!” she tells me when she takes it from my hand. I nod, grabbing another one, handing it to Nathan. I can’t even look at him now, let alone make eye contact with him. Seeing him again – it all floods back. Everything that happened in Vegas is here, staring me in the face again. Is this how it will always be? Will I always think of him that way when I’m near him now? I don’t know if I can handle that.

I need to find out if he’s high or drunk right now. I don’t want to talk to him, I certainly don’t want to be alone, but this isn’t a conversation Mere needs to hear.

“Mere, sweets, go get the bunny that your Papa gave you to show Daddy, okay?” She nods and runs out of the room. When I know she’s out of hearing distance, I address Nathan. “If you’re drunk, or you’re on your pills or your cocaine or whatever the hell else it is that you’ve been doing, you better walk out that door, Nathan. I swear, I’m not messing around with you when she’s here.”

He lays a hand on my arm, and I flinch, pulling away from him. “Haley,” he whispers, stepping closer to me, “I swear, I’m clean. Come on, don’t shut me out now, I need you.”

“We aren’t doing this right now,” I state firmly, “Meredith is just down the hall, and we aren’t fighting in front of her.”

“It doesn’t have to be a fight, Hales.”

I scoff at that. “It doesn’t matter what it will be, it isn’t happening now.”

“Please, we have to talk,” he says, moving to grab my hand. I just back away from him again, though. I just can’t have him touching me now, not after everything. “Hales, why are you doing this?”

I stare at him incredulously. “I don’t know what game you’re trying to play, but count me out. If you can’t at least be honest enough to recognize that trying to pretend nothing has happened is not an option, then we have even less to say to each other than I thought.”

“I don’t – fine, you’re right,” he admits softly, his voice scratchy and low. “I – we can wait to talk until she’s asleep.”

Just as he’s finished saying that, Mere comes flying back into the room dragging her new bunny behind her. “Daddy, see?” she asks, throwing her arms around his legs. It’s too much for me to watch, her joy at seeing him again, seeing him again myself, and I have to turn away.

“Yeah, I see, Mere Bear, that’s nice, baby. Hey, why don’t you go get your book, Merry? We can read together, okay?”

“Okay!” she agrees, and I can hear her run out of the room, but I still won’t turn back to face him. It nearly causes me to jump out of my skin when he lays a hand on my lower back, moving up behind me, his body flush against mine.

”What are you doing?” I hiss, moving away from him.

“I missed you,” he sighs, “I just thought – “

“Stop thinking!” I snap, “I told you, I’m not playing games. This is ridiculous, Nathan, and you know it. Go read to your daughter.”

“Haley J, come on, baby, I – “

“Stop!” I mutter loudly, “Just stop it. Don’t call me that, don’t call me ‘baby’, don’t call me anything. After all that you’ve said and done to me, you think you can walk in here and spew a few endearments, and that everything will be okay?”

“I wasn’t trying to – “

“Bullshit,” I whisper heatedly, not wanting Mere to hear anything she shouldn’t. Which is basically all of this. “That’s exactly what you were trying to do, what you thought you could do. Just go read to her, and when she’s asleep, maybe – maybe – we can talk.”

“I get no say in this?” he asks, incredulous.

“You lost your right to a say about ten months ago, Nathan,” I remind him, shaking my head, “And I doubt that even now you want to have this discussion at a time or place when Mere could overhear.”

“Yeah, fine, I get it,” he agrees, “We’ll be in the living room. You should join us, Haley J, we can be together like we always were.”

I can tell he’s sober – he’s lucid and clear when he speaks, and his eyes have an awareness that was lacking. They’re still red-rimmed and bloodshot, and there are bags and dark circles under them, but at least he looks like he knows where he is now. That is a definite improvement, as far as I’m concerned. His skin is still a sickly yellow, and he looks like he has also been losing weight.

But the things he’s saying, the way he’s acting like this can all just be swept under the rug. That just doesn’t make any sense to me at all. I know that he is aware of most of the things that happened between us – maybe fuzzy on the details, but he knows. And for him to act like he thinks we can just pretend like it didn’t happen dumbfounds me.

I can hear them out there. She’s still chattering away excitedly to him about Eric and the new beach toys that Brooke and Tim bought her. He’s laughing with her, and I can hear the happiness in both of their voices. A part of me thinks I should go out there, just be there. I am assuming he’s been sober since he was thrown in jail, but I don’t know that for sure – I should be there watching, making sure. The other part of me can’t bear to interrupt the reunion, if only for Mere’s sake.

So instead, I sink down to the floor, leaning against the oven door. I pull my knees to my chest, dropping my head down to rest on them as I start crying. Why did he have to show up now? All these weeks, he’s been in Vegas partying. And now he shows up here after getting tossed in jail? And me, why did I wait so long to do this? I should’ve been back here immediately after leaving him in Las Vegas. I should never have procrastinated on this.

They talk for awhile, and I just sit here listening. Soon, I hear Nathan reciting the familiar words from ‘The Poky Little Puppy’, which only gets me crying harder. The familiarity of this is so overwhelming, and the knowledge that none of this is okay is crushing.

I can tell when she falls asleep because he stops reading. I expect him to put her to bed immediately, but he stays in there with her, presumably just holding her. After awhile, I can hear him moving around and taking her down the hall. I should get off the floor, I should get back to packing, but I just don’t have the energy right now. And besides, I know that he isn’t just going to let me pack now. I’m sure we’ll have a lengthy discussion now.

“What are you doing?” he asks softly when he comes back to the kitchen.

I shake my head. “Nothing, I’m not doing anything.”

“There are boxes in Mere’s room,” he states, flat, but angry, “So, I put her in our bed. There are boxes in there, too. What’s going on?”

“We’re going back to Tree Hill,” I tell him, finally lifting my head and looking at him, “We’re moving there, Nathan.”

He sinks down to the ground, leaning against the cabinet opposite of me. “You can’t do that, Haley, you can’t just move to Tree Hill with her.”

“I can, and I am, Nathan. We need to be around people who have our best interests in mind, and that is where those people are.”

“I have – “

“Don’t even tell that lie,” I stop him, shaking my head, “We both know otherwise. I know you love Meredith, but the interests that you’re most worried about are your own.”

“I love you, too, Haley J.”

“Stop it,” I whisper harshly, getting to my feet, “Don’t even say that to me right now, Nathan. It is such bullshit.”

“No, it isn’t!” he exclaims, jumping to his feet and following me as I walk out onto the deck, “You know that I love you, I know you do.”

“Yeah, well, what difference does it make now, Nathan?” I retort, just as loudly, “Honestly, that’s irrelevant at this point. Mere and I are moving back to Tree Hill indefinitely. It’s for the best, and I’m sorry if you don’t agree with it.”

”She’s my child, too,” he reasons, “Do I not get a say in this?”

”I think you lost your chance to say anything when you started taking drugs, Nathan. And this is one of the things that I’m really enforcing that on. We’re going back to Tree Hill.”

“Please,” he mutters hoarsely, “God, Haley, I need you right now. My own father had me arrested, and now my lawyers say I’m going to have to go to rehab. I can’t do it without you.”

“And I can’t stay here,” I tell him, sighing, “And you’re already complaining about rehab? Great, Nathan, that’s classic.”

“So, what then? You’re just going to pack up you and our daughter and move across country? Were you even going to tell me?”

“You knew where I was,” I tell him, “And if you’d wanted to find us, you could’ve.”

“Who are you staying with?” he asks. God, this is all so civil that it makes me ill.

“Luke.”

“Luke? I see.”

“And what exactly do you see?” I bite out, remembering his words to me when he found out that Luke and Dan were there in Vegas with me.

“I know I said some things that I shouldn’t have, that I didn’t mean,” he sighs, “I never should’ve implied that – “

“Yeah, there are a lot of things you shouldn’t have said,” I agree, “And there are a hell of a lot more that you shouldn’t have done. But you said them, and you did them. I can’t change it, and you can’t change it.”

“You left me, Haley! What the hell were you expecting me to do? Hang around having tea parties and going to work? Oh, that’s right, I got fired and I don’t even like tea!” he yells, “And stop acting like such a martyr! You left, this is all your fault anyway.”

I gape at him, incredulous. “It’s my fault you started taking drugs? It’s my fault that you landed in the hospital because of those drugs? It’s my fault that you brought them into our house and put our daughter at risk? Is it my fault that you ran off to Vegas instead of facing your problems? And is it my fault that you – you did what you did there?” I choke up at the end, unable to voice aloud what he did while he was there.

“Haley, I didn’t mean – “ he cuts himself off, moving towards me. I don’t back away this time, but it still is a system shock when his arms wrap around me, “I’m so sorry, I was just so mad at you. I couldn’t believe you would leave and take Mere.” I try and pull away from him, but he won’t let me. “Haley, come on, baby. I’m sorry I hurt you, so sorry.”

When I continue to pull away, he finally lets me go, and I step back, taking a deep breath. “I just – you can’t say that you’re sorry and expect this to go away. You – you cheated on me,” I whisper, “I can’t – and the things you said. That doesn’t go away.”

“There is so much we have to talk about!” he tells me, “That’s why you need to stay here, with me. We need to talk things out, Haley. You don’t know everything.”

“And I probably don’t want to, right?” I sigh sadly, “I probably don’t want to know all the things you did with those women. I probably don’t want to know how much you hate me and blame me for leaving.”

“No, no, I didn’t mean that,” he tries again.

“I can’t, Nathan. I can’t stay here, and I can’t listen to you try and convince me that what you didn’t wasn’t so bad. Because it was, it was the worst thing you could do to me, and you knew that, right?”

“You don’t understand, you haven’t heard my side of it, Hales,” he pleads, “Just listen to me for a few minutes, and let me tell you, okay?”

I shake my head, fresh tears slipping down my cheeks. “I can’t do this, Nathan. I can’t play your games, and I can’t stay here knowing that you’re barely sober. Not when I’ve seen what you’re capable of when you’re using.”

“No! It won’t be like that, Haley, I won’t hurt you again. I promise,” he pleads, his own eyes filling with tears, “I need you, so much. You and Mere, you’re all that matters to me. Please don’t go. Please, I’ll beg if I have to.”

“I don’t want that,” I sigh, looking away. I can’t stand to see him like this. It hurts almost as much as everything else. “Just let us go, Nathan. Don’t make a scene about it in front of Mere. Just let us go back to Tree Hill and get yourself help.”

“I don’t think I can do this without you, Haley!” he protests again, “Can’t you stay?”

I shake my head, looking away. “I – I need the space that being in Tree Hill gives me.”

“Space from me,” he notes tersely.

“Yeah, Nathan, I need space from you. Space from memories, good and bad. I can’t be here, and I don’t want to be here.”

“I can’t do this without you, Haley!”

“You know where we’ll be,” I say evenly, “And Dan said you could probably get your sentence or plea or whatever transferred to North Carolina if you wanted. That’s where we’ll be, and if you really think you need me to do this, then that’s where you should be, too.”

He’s silent for a few moments, digesting that. It’s the best I can do in terms of offering him an olive branch right now. “If I can get things transferred there, you’ll – you would – “

“I’ll do my best, Nathan. I just don’t know what I can give you right now. I can’t – and won’t – make any promises.”

He nods. “I don’t deserve anything, I know that,” he sighs raggedly, “I shouldn’t even ask. But I know I can’t do it without you. I don’t even know if I’d want to.”

I stare at him, aghast and horrified. “Don’t do that, don’t even try and make me feel guilty so that I’ll do what you want!”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he tries to backpedal, “I just meant it will be so much harder without you.”

“It’s going to be hard no matter what, Nathan. You’ve put yourself in this position, you’ve done this to yourself.”

“God, I know that,” he agrees.

“Then don’t put this off on me again, I can’t take that.”

“I love you, Haley, and I am so, so sorry that I hurt you.”

I nod, looking away. “I’m sorry, too.”

“I know you’re angry with me now, and you have every right to be, but we’re going to get through this,” he says, “And we’re going to be a family, you, me, and Mere, okay? It’ll be even better than before.”

“Oh, God, Nathan, shut up!” I let loose, screaming at him, “What the hell is wrong with you? How could you think that everything is just going to be okay again? Like someone can snap their fingers and it won’t matter, none of the things that have happened, that you’ve done, none of them will matter!”

“Haley, I didn’t – “

“Shut up!” I yell again, shoving him when he steps towards me. I’m sobbing when I start yelling again. “It all matters, Nathan! It matters that you brought drugs here, that you were high around our daughter! It matters that I had to go to the morgue to identify a body that matched your description,” I yell, ignoring the shocked look on his face and crying harder, “And it matters that when we find you, finally, that you’re screwing around in Vegas, not even caring that people are worried about you! And it matters that you’d cheat on me. It matters, it all matters.”

I don’t protest this time when his arms come around me, pulling me close to him. It hardly makes anything better, but right now, it isn’t making them worse, either. He doesn’t say anything, and neither do I. What there is to say, I don’t really know right now anyway.

After a few minutes, I pull away. “I should go pack Mere’s room. We’re leaving in the morning.”

His face falls, but he nods. “I can, uh, help, if you need anything else packed up. Maybe the entertainment equipment in the living room?”

I shake my head. “No, that’s yours, Nathan, we don’t need it.”

“What are you taking? Just your clothes and Mere’s toys? That’s ridiculous, Haley, this stuff is as much mine as yours, and you need to take it. Unless you’re planning on living with Luke forever.”

I lean against the railing of the deck. “I have a job interview. I have a good shot at it. We’ll be okay – Luke will let me stay there as long as I need to, and if he needs me out, then there are other options.”

“Take the furniture,” he sighs, “Take some of it and get a house, Haley. A nice one, with a yard. Maybe at the beach. Merry would like that.”

“Nathan, we don’t need a house, just an apartment,” I sigh, protesting, “It’ll be fine, I’ll get back on my feet soon.”

“No, Haley, damn it. Look, you can be stubborn for your own sake and sleep on the floor, but come on, Meredith needs to feel like she’s at home. Her home. Just take some of the things that will make her feel like that,” he argues.

I’m about to yell at him to mind his own business, remind him that he gets no say in this, when he staggers backwards, hitting the wall. “Nathan?”

He holds up a hand, trying to indicate he’s fine. Shaking my head, I grab his arm, and help him down so he’s sitting on the ground. “Withdrawal,” he sighs, “Losing my balance a lot.”

“Have you seen a doctor?” I question, nervous about his health now. More nervous, I guess.

He shakes his head. “No time, I wanted to come home as soon as they let me out of there. I can see one tomorrow.” I stare at him, trying to figure out if that’s okay, if he shouldn’t be in a hospital right now. “Its fine, Haley, really,” he assures me, brushing the backs of his fingers over my cheek.

“You’re not fine, Nathan,” I disagree, “You should be in a hospital or a detox center. I can’t take care of you the right way, I don’t know what to do.”

“No, its fine, I promise. I don’t want to leave you.”

Why does it hurt worse to know he means that? That he probably meant a lot of what he said? It would be so much easier if I thought he’d didn’t love me, didn’t want me around. Of course, the easiest thing of all would be if I didn’t still love him, didn’t still want to be around him.

“Nathan, you’re shaking,” I whisper, biting my lip when he nods and his eyes drift shut, “Okay, I’m calling an ambulance. You should be under observation, okay?”

He shakes his head, opening his eyes. “I’m okay, Haley. It passes. See, I’m already feeling better.”

With my help, he gets up to his feet. “Come on, let’s go figure out what you should take with you.”

“No, Nathan, you need to lie down, you’re sick. Don’t push yourself too hard, not when your body has been through hell.”

“All of me has,” he mutters, “And I’m fine, really.”

I roll my eyes, but don’t argue. “I’ll be in Mere’s room. Maybe you should eat something, Nathan.”

He nods. “Maybe, if it’s okay with you, I’ll go lay down with her. Just watch her for awhile. I’ve missed her.”

“She’s missed you, too,” I acknowledge.

He scoffs, “Are you sure she isn’t too busy to miss me? Everyone is probably spoiling her like crazy. She wouldn’t have time to think of me.”

“She asks for you all the time,” I admit to him, “She loves you, Nathan, and she really misses you a lot. And I know you love her, and you should think of her, and try and get better, for her.”

“I haven’t thought about anything other than you two in a long time, Haley,” he tries to tell me, “I just keep messing up worse, though.”

“Go lie down,” I urge him gently, “Maybe you’ll feel better.”

He nods. “You – you can come with me, Haley. We can be with Mere, be together. I’d – it’d be nice, don’t you think?”

“I can’t,” I say simply, fighting fresh tears and turning away from him.

He doesn’t say anything, but doesn’t leave right away either. I refuse to turn and meet his gaze, though, and he gives up eventually, and I turn to watch him walk down the hall towards our room where Mere is sleeping.

I pack up Mere’s room, getting everything in boxes or set out for the movers tomorrow. It takes awhile since her stuff is the majority of what I’ll be taking, but Nathan was right – familiarity will be good for her. It’ll be worth the hassles of packing. Once I’m finished, I wander downstairs to see if there is anything down there that I’d want to take, but mostly I just use it as a distraction. Part of me wants to go check on Nathan and Mere and make sure that they’re okay, that Nathan isn’t experiencing worse withdrawal symptoms.

I let the latter part win, and go back to our bedroom, sighing softly when I see them side by side, Mere tucked under a fluffy mound of covers as she likes, and Nathan sprawled on top of the blankets, both soundly sleeping. They look so much alike – there is no mistaking that they are father and daughter.

I sit down on the edge of the bed next to Mere, brushing her hair out of her face. When I look at Nathan, my heart aches. He’s so obviously unwell, and I want to help him, I want to fix him, but I don’t know if I can. He’s done too much, hurt me too badly – at this point, I need the emotional space from him. Physical, too, for the most part.

If he comes to Tree Hill, if he decides to go through treatment there, then it is a whole other ball game. Keeping any sort of distance from him in any area is going to become nearly impossible. No matter how angry I am at him, no matter how hurt, at this point it is more important to me that he gets better than keeping space from him. It isn’t going to be easy; in fact, it will be approaching impossible in terms of difficulty.

But I’m going to have to deal. I will have to be the mature one in the situation, and just suck it up and help Nathan. If he’s willing to come to Tree Hill and go through treatment, then I have to be willing to make some concessions, too. I can’t give him all that he’s asking for, all that he wants, but I feel like I owe it to him to try. Try and help him, try and get him through this, at least. That’s the best I can offer him now.

Chapter Ten – Lyin’ Eyes

‘She wonders how it ever got this crazy

She thinks about the boy she knew in school

Did she get tired or did she just get lazy?

She's so far gone she feels just like a fool…

My, oh my, you sure know how to arrange things

You set it up so well, so carefully

Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things

You’re still the same old girl you used to be’ - D. Henley/G. Frey

~*~Mid July, 2013~*~

I’m up first the next morning, which is a big surprise. These days, Mere has been up first and dragging me out of bed to feed her, or more likely, read or play with her. But I had a hell of a time sleeping, of course, and finally just gave it up a few hours ago, around six.

I finally crashed in the rocking chair in Meredith’s room after getting all of her stuff packed up. A part of me wanted to climb into my own bed and just lie on the opposite side of Mere from him, but I couldn’t do it. It’s so painful to be so close to him physically, but so distant on emotional and mental levels. And if yesterday showed me anything, it was that he really has no clue or cannot admit to knowing how much damage he’s done.

I’m up for an hour before Mere comes toddling out into the living room where I’m sitting on the floor drinking a glass of juice trying to decide what to do today. I can’t believe I'm considering it, but maybe I should stay here with Nathan. If he’s sober, and he’s ready to seek help, maybe I should stick around. But then again, I have to move forward with my life, and I’m not ready or willing to do it here right now. I need to be in Tree Hill, if only for my own personal mental health.

It isn’t that I don’t want to support Nathan, because I do. In fact, it is really important to me that I help him in any way I can, but staying here isn’t one of the things I can do for him. I just can’t make that sacrifice right now.

“Hi pretty girl,” I greet Mere as she sits down on my lap, “How are you this morning, Mere?”

“Hi Mommy,” she sighs, laying her head on my chest, “Daddy sleepy.”

“Yeah, Daddy’s still sleeping. He’ll wake up soon, and I bet he’ll play with you for awhile,” I assure her, knowing there is no way I can just grab her out of here and run back to Tree Hill today. I might not be able to stay indefinitely, but one more day isn’t out of the question. And it’ll give me a chance to talk him into coming to North Carolina for treatment as well as let Mere spend time with him.

“I want to play with Ewic,” she looks up to tell me.

“Baby, we can’t play with Eric right now, he’s in Tree Hill,” I try to explain, even though I know it will end up being basically futile. She doesn’t understand the barriers of distance and geography.

“But I want to,” she frowns petulantly.

“I know, sweets, but you’re stuck with me and Daddy today,” I inform her, setting her on her feet so that I can get up and find her breakfast, “Come on, why don’t I make you some French toast?”

She’s still glaring at me, but she does hold her arms up in silent demand. Smiling inwardly, I acquiesce and pick her up, taking her into the kitchen with me. “Strawberries?” she asks, loving to have the fruit smothering her pancakes or French toast whenever possible.

“If we have some, kiddo,” I agree, setting her at the table and grabbing everything I need to make them out of the cupboards and fridge. “You want some milk or juice?”

“Juice!” she smiles, wiggling around in her seat.

“Alright, orange juice coming up.”

“No, apple!” she counters, and I swear she’s just trying to cause trouble. “Please, Mommy!”

“Oh, as if I could ever resist you, Mere,” I sigh, grabbing out the apple juice instead and filling her sippy cup. “Okay, you sit here and drink your juice, and I’ll make your breakfast. You be good, okay?”

She nods, playing with a puzzle book we’d left on the table at some point yesterday. By the time I get her breakfast on a plate and in front of her, I can hear Nathan moving around in the bathroom, and I throw more bread on the griddle for him. When he comes into the kitchen a few minutes later, looking even more like hell than he did last night, I hand him a plate of French toast, to his surprise.

“Thanks,” he mumbles softly, nodding his appreciation at me.

“You’re welcome. Butter and syrup are on the island,” I tell him, turning to Mere to make sure she hasn’t made too big of a mess.

“Hi Daddy!” she cheers when she sees him, “I can’t play with Ewic, so you can play with me and Mommy instead.”

He rubs his hand over his forehead as if he’s trying to rub away a headache, but he manages to smile gamely at her. “Yeah, I’d love to play with you and Mommy more than anything, kiddo.”

She beams at him before looking up at me. “All done, Mommy!”

“Okay, baby, go find some clothes, okay?” She nods and runs off. I turn to Nathan, waiting to see how he’s going to act this morning.

“When, uh, when are you guys leaving?”

I glance down at the floor, hoping this doesn’t give him the wrong impression. “We’ll stay until tomorrow,” I tell him, “But not any longer than that. So you have a day to figure out if you want to stay here for your rehab, or if you want to go to Tree Hill for it. It’s your choice, and the only reason I’m staying is for Mere.”

He nods, looking defeated. “Well, thanks for doing even that.”

“What are your plans?” I ask, cleaning the counters.

“I don’t know,” he admits, “It’s all so sudden feeling, and I don’t know much about any of this. And I’m worried, I guess.”

“Scared?”

He shrugs. “Yeah, about the whole court thing. My lawyers say I should only get probation, but it’s still scary. Unknown.”

I nod, a tiny bit of sympathy mustered for him. “Well, at least you can avoid jail time,” I sigh, “And you’ll get help.”

“What about us, Haley J? I need to know where I stand with you, where I stand with Mere. It’s really important that I know.”

“Now isn’t the time to talk about that,” I sigh, “And I don’t know. You’re Mere’s father, and Nathan, I promise, if you’re clean and sober and I can trust in that, then you are more than welcome to see her anytime you want. But if you aren’t, then I’ll make sure you don’t.”

“Fair enough,” he agrees, moving to stand beside me, placing a hand on my bare shoulder. “What about us, Haley? I know – I know I messed up. I just need you to tell me what I have to do to make it okay again.”

Tears spring to my eyes as I busy myself scrubbing at the counter with a sponge. “I don’t know, Nathan. I don’t know if anything is going to be okay for us ever.”

“Haley,” he sighs, but I cut him off before he can continue.

“No, listen, Nathan. I have no promises to make you, nothing I can say that is a guarantee. I don’t trust you, I don’t believe anything you say right now, and it really hurts to even look at you,” I mutter, cringing when his hand wanders up the back of my neck, massaging lightly. How he can come back here and just touch me like nothing has changed, I’ll never understand.

“I know, I’m sorry,” he pleads, and I glance up at him, noting that he does seem sincere. But what the hell is sincerity in all of this now?

“Yeah, well, I don’t know if that matters, Nathan.”

“Don’t cry, Haley J, please,” he sighs, “I’m so sorry, please don’t cry, baby.”

I shake my head, pulling away from him, putting much needed distance between us. “I think you should spend your time with Mere, Nathan. I need to finish packing, and she’s the reason I stayed, anyway.”

“So I can’t talk to you?” he asks, swaying on his feet a little, “Is that what this has come to? You’ll let Mere be around me, but refuse as much contact with me as you can?”

“I’m not trying to do that, Nathan!” I exclaim, “But you know what? If I was, you’d have no right to complain about it, would you? You caused these problems, you set all of this in motion. I’m sorry if you don’t like the way I’m reacting to it all, but this is still the ball that you got rolling.”

“Great, rub it in a little more,” he mutters, glaring at me, “That’s great. Because I don’t feel bad enough already.”

“I don’t know how you feel, Nathan!” I exclaim, “All I know is that – I don’t know, I don’t know anything anymore. God.”

He pulls away, obviously hurt. “There was a time when you could trust me, at least trust that I loved you. And now you can’t even do that?”

“You know, I wish I doubted that, Nathan. But I don’t, even after what you’ve done. I know that a lot of what you said and did to me was alcohol and drug fueled. Doesn’t make it okay, doesn’t make it right, and it definitely doesn’t make it easier to take, but I know it.”

“Then don’t shove me away from you, Haley!” he implores, “I mean it, we have so much good in our lives, so much good between us, and you can’t just throw it away.”

“You’re asking too much,” I insist, “You are asking for way more than I have to give you right now. I want to help you, but I don’t know if I can.”

He nods, looking sucker-punched. “I just thought, hoped maybe, that we could do this together. You’re my family, Hales, and I need you now.”

“You can’t do this to me, Nathan. You can’t put the pressure of you getting better on me, I can’t handle it, I’m not strong enough, and you have to work for this, too. It’s your thing, your responsibility, not mine. Don’t make it mine,” I beg him, knowing that a part of me still wants to bear this burden for him.

“I won’t, I promise,” he sighs, “I just need you with me, I need your support. I need you to love me back, Haley.”

“It isn’t about love,” I return, angry that he’s making this into something it isn’t, something it shouldn’t be, “This is about you getting better. For your sake, for your daughter’s sake.”

“What about you?” he asks, “Don’t you care at all? Don’t you want me to get better for you?”

“I don’t matter, Nathan. This is about you. And I’m not going to ask you to get better for me because I don’t believe it will help. But I’ll damn well ask you to get better for Mere. Because I think that makes a difference.”

“Why won’t you let yourself admit – “

“Admit what?” I burst out, “That I love you? God, you know I do, you don’t need to hear me say it! Admit that a part of me wishes you’d get yourself some goddamn help for my sake? Yeah, maybe a little, but that’s damn selfish, and I’m not going to worry about myself right now. Mere is my priority, she has to be. Not you, not me, Meredith. Our daughter.”

“We love each other, Haley,” he smiles, relief seeping into his eyes. It hurts to see that a part of him thought I didn’t love him, changed my mind, took it back, whatever. But then again, what about this situation doesn’t hurt? “We can do this together.”

“I can’t do this for you,” I counter, “And I can try and support you, Nathan, but I’m not making you promises right now. There’s no room for those here in all this.”

He moves closer to me, his hands sliding up and down on my bare arms. “We’re going to be okay. It’ll be just like we were before soon, I promise.”

I shake my head, but don’t pull away. I’m too tired to fight him right now. “There are no guarantees that it will be okay. We don’t know that, Nathan. And you have to stop saying it like we have a magic way of making things okay.”

"I never said anything about magic, but I do think we can make things okay again, baby," he tries to assure me, running his hands up and down my arms, "We'll be okay."

"It isn't that easy," I remind him gently, "It isn't easy to put together something that has been shattered into a million pieces, Nathan."

"It isn't that bad," he counters, "You're being over-dramatic and making too big of a deal out of this, Haley! Just cut me some slack and let's get over this."

"Slack? You want slack? I'm giving you slack by staying here an extra day, Nathan!" I say, my voice starting to raise, at the end of my rope with him, "I'm giving you slack by trusting that you're sober now, that you don't have drugs stashed on you - and believe me, that's taking a huge leap of faith after all you've pulled! How dare you keep asking me for more!"

"You're being unreasonable," he counters, his voice rising to match mine in volume as he drops his hands back to his sides, "You're so damn selfish that you only care about how this affects you! What about me? What about what I'm going through, what I need? Does that not matter at all?"

I turn to walk away from him, hurt and angry over his accusations. He stops me, though, by reaching out and grabbing my hand. He tugs me back against him, my back against his front, and I don't protest when his arms come around me to hold me to him.

"Nathan," I sigh, "I can't do this. I just can't. I know it is hard on you, I know that you've got so much to deal with right now, and I know you want me to find a way to make it easier on you, but I can't. And I won't lie to you and say things that aren't true. That isn't fair to either of us, and all things considered, it isn't fair to Mere."

"Mere's fine, Haley J! You know she is, look how happy she is to see me! This isn't about her right now, it's about us. And you can't tell me that us being together wouldn't be good for her!"

"The best thing for her is that you enter a rehab facility as soon as possible, Nathan. And the next best thing is for her to be around our family."

"You're just dead set on taking her to Tree Hill, aren't you?"

"You know I am, Nathan," I sigh, still holding myself rigid even though it would be so easy to lean back, relax into him. "I have to - I want to."

"Well, I'll come with you then."

"And go to rehab at home?"

He nods, his cheek rubbing against mine in the process. "I need you, I can't make it any plainer than that," he sighs, "And if that means following you to Tree Hill, then that's what I'll do."

"Well, good, I really think that is in your best interests."

"Because you think that I need my parent's and Lucas's help, right?" he asks, sighing.

"I think their support won't hurt," I nod, "It'll be good for you to have people to turn to, Nathan."

"I want you to turn to, baby," he sighs into my hair, "You're all that I need, Haley. You and Mere, not them. They don't know me, they don't understand me."

"Right now, I don't either," I admit, glad he's holding my back to his chest so he can't see my eyes again well up with tears, "I don't understand you at all."

"It's still me, Haley, it is," he says, tightening his hold on me, "I messed up, I messed up on a lot of things, but it is still me. And you know me, you understand me. You know that!"

I shake my head, finally pulling away. "I don't know, Nathan. I don't know anything anymore, least of all what you're going to do next." I let out a choked, bitter little laugh. "You know how I said that I knew that alcohol and drugs were partially to blame for what you've done? Or maybe not to blame, but it was a factor. But God, when I saw you in Vegas, it was so obvious that you wanted to hurt me, that you were lashing out at me. And you never did that before."

"Haley, I don't even remember much of what happened in Vegas, babe."

I nod, glancing out the window towards the water. "Yeah, I know, Nathan, but somehow, that doesn't make it much better." I look back at him. "It was just so obvious, that you were really angry with me. That a part of you hated me. And that makes it so much worse, you know?"

"How?"

"Because then it wasn't about a loss of control, it wasn't just something that happened because you were drunk and high. It was something that you wanted to happen, and you got drunk and high just so you could do it."

"It wasn't like that," he protests haltingly, "It really wasn't, baby."

“And it doesn’t even matter,” I sigh, “A part of me wants to forget it all, pretend like it never happened, but God, I know I’ll never be able to.”

“I’d take it all back if I could,” he sighs, moving to stand beside me, “I would, Haley. And that has to count for something, right?”

“And what exactly is it that you think it should count for?” I ask, appalled that he thinks this should be so easy, that I should be jumping back into his arms now, moving on.

“That I’m sorry,” he whispers, “That I hate that I hurt you, that I know how wrong it all was. That I never meant any of it.”

“But you still did it,” I counter, “And you can’t wash that away, you can’t pretend it didn’t happen.” I move away from him. “Look, I need to call Brooke. She’s expecting us back tonight, and I need to let her know plans have changed before I forget.”

He looks like he wants to argue, but thinks better of it, just nodding instead. “I’ll go help Merry get dressed. I can only imagine what she’s up to in there,” he tells me with a bittersweet smile.

I nod. “Yeah, thanks.”

“She’s my daughter, Haley, you don’t have to thank me for doing things with her,” he bites out sharply.

I nod, not trusting myself to speak right now. He can guilt me as much as wants, but it doesn’t matter, not really. I’ve done the best I can with this, and while I know I’ve made mistakes, I’ve tried. I’ve hurt him by leaving, but it was still the best thing to do. And leaving didn’t warrant what he’s done, what he did in Vegas.

When he’s out of the room, I grab the phone and take it outside, wandering down to sit on the edge of the dock, dangling my feet in the water. I dread making this phone call; Brooke is going to freak. And probably with good reason, too. If I thought Nathan was a danger to Mere or even me, we’d be out the door so fast, but I understand why Brooke is going to fly into protective mode when I tell her. And I know she will, too.

I call Luke first, so that he can spread the news to Deb and Dan. They all will be relieved to know that he is here, and while rough around the edges physically, seems to be doing okay. His phone rings a couple of times before he picks up.

“Haley? What’s up, you guys on your way back here?”

“Change of plans, buddy,” I sigh into the phone, kicking my feet around a little, “We’re staying until tomorrow.”

“Why? You slow at packing?” he teases, “You should’ve hired a mover, huh? You thought it’d be easy.”

“I did hire a mover, Luke. That’s not why we’re staying an extra day.”

“Then why?”

“Nathan showed up last night. I just can’t rip Mere away from him so fast, Luke. And he’s sober, I can tell, and maybe that’s not good enough, but he needs us now,” I ramble on, “And I just changed my tickets to tomorrow, so we won’t stay here forever.”

“Wow,” he sighs, “You know, you don’t have to justify yourself to me, Hales. I think it is good for both of them that you decided to stay, even if it is only for an extra day. He’s really sober?”

“Yeah, he is. And I know that might be only because he hasn’t had a chance to get any or because he’s so freaked out by the jail thing, but for now, he’s sober. And if us being here for an extra day keeps him that way, then there is no way in hell I can leave him today.” I pause for a minute, catching my breath. “He said he’d come to Tree Hill. I pissed him off, though, so I don’t know if he still wants to, but he’s at least considering it.”

“How’d you piss him off? And don’t feel bad, Hales, he doesn’t deserve you feeling bad for him.”

“I know, and I don’t, not really. I feel bad in general about it all, but I don’t have a lot of sympathy for him at the moment. And I pissed him off because I refused to give him an out, which I then compounded by thanking him when he went off to do his fatherly duty. He took offense to me thanking him for helping Mere with something.”

“At least he’s there and safe,” Luke sighs, “That’s something, right?”

“Yeah, no, it is, you know I think that. It’s just hard to be here with him right now. You saw how it was in Vegas. He just wants me to forget about all that, pretend it didn’t happen, and I can’t, Luke,” I cry, my shoulders starting to shake, “I just can’t get those images out of my head, what he was doing, what he was saying. I can’t forget.”

”No one said you had to,” he tries to tell me, but I can’t really listen right now.

“It wasn’t just his life he messed up, Luke!” I burst out, “It was mine, too! And my daughter’s! Do you guys think I like uprooting her and moving her away from all that she knows, all that she’s grown up around? Because I don’t! I don’t feel good about it, and I don’t like that I had to do it! Everything is different now for me, too!”

I finish my little rant on a quiet sob, and Luke stays silent for a minute, letting me get myself together. “It’s okay to be mad, Haley. He hurt you, he hurt your life, it is okay to be angry with him, angry with the circumstances.”

“No, it isn’t,” I counter hotly, “Right now, I have to hold it together. For him, for Meredith, for myself. I don’t have the time to afford myself the luxury of being angry with him or the circumstances. Just like I have to stop feeling sorry for myself, too.”

“What are you going to do?” he questions, “Shut down? Pretend nothing is wrong, go all Stepford on us?”

“You don’t understand, Luke!” I exclaim, “My God, do you have any idea how hard it has been to be in this house again? To look around and see what it looked like last time we got here, to think about what it meant that he would trash our house? Do you know how hard it is now to watch him with Mere, to see how fucking happy she is and know that tomorrow she’s going to be crying for him all over again? Do you know how hard it is when he touches me and I want nothing more than to slip into denial and pretend none of this happened?”

”Haley, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t know, Luke! You couldn’t know, and I’m so glad you don’t because this sucks. It sucks, okay? I can barely hold it together for Mere, and now I need to hold it together for Nathan so that he will get some help, and I can’t even think of myself right now. What I want and need is so irrelevant that it isn’t even on the horizon right now.”

“That’s bullshit, Hales. If you don’t take care of yourself, do some things that you need to do to be okay, then you’re screwed. You’ll just implode, and then you won’t be any good to Nathan or Meredith. Come on, Haley, this is about you, too.”

“Well, I don’t want it to be! I don’t want to think about what this has done to me, to my life, okay? I’d rather not focus on it yet because it doesn’t do anything good for me to worry about it right now.” I force myself to stop and take a deep breath. “I can’t think about it right now, Luke. I just can’t.”

“Can I kick his ass?” Luke sighs into the phone, “I really hate what he’s doing to you, Hales. I haven’t seen you like this, ever.”

“I’ll be okay,” I promise him, “It’s just stressful right now. I honestly didn’t think he’d turn up here. You know, it’s horrible, but I guess I just figured once he was released from jail that he’d be back out buying drugs again. Isn’t that a terrible thing to assume?”

“He hasn’t given you much of a reason to think otherwise, Hales. Hell, Dan and I figured that’s what would happen. Neither of us really thought that a night in jail would be enough to bottom him out enough to sober up.”

“Isn’t that horrible?” I ask, wiping my eyes with my free hand, “We’ve all just expected the worse. And that’s because he’s given us every reason to think that.”

“It’s okay, Haley,” he sighs, “It really is okay to be angry. With him, with the situation. With everything, if that’s what you need.”

“I really can’t, not right now,” I sigh, “It takes too much energy, and I need all my energy for other things right now.”

“Haley, you can’t just, I don’t know, keep it all inside. That’s probably not good for you,” he tries to counsel me. I swear, I can hear him squinting.

“Luke, you don’t know what’s good for me right now. Besides, I think I get to decide that anyway, right?”

“I’m just trying to help,” he sighs, “But I can see I’m not doing much good on that front. So, listen, when, or if, you need something, call me.”

“Are you mad at me?” I ask incredulously, “You don’t get to be mad at me for not falling in line with how you think I should react to things, how you think I should act to this!”

“Hey, calm down, I’m not mad. I just think you’re giving him way too much leeway, Hales. And then you won’t even talk about it, won’t talk about how much this is all hurting you. Letting him get away with everything.”

“Oh, God, you have no idea!” I burst out, “I haven’t let him get away with anything! Luke, I’ve told him point blank that he has a day – one day – with his daughter before I take her back to Tree Hill.”

“No, I have every idea. I’ve watched you love him, cry for him, cry over him, try and move on without him, and I’ve seen you realize you can’t live without him. And you know, I want him to be okay as much as you do, I mean that. But I need you to take care of yourself, okay?”

“I am,” I sigh, not able to argue with him further on this. Not right now, I just can’t. It’s too hard, there’s too much he doesn’t understand. Or maybe he understands too much.

“The good kind of care, Hales. Stop focusing on Nathan so much and just worry about what you need,” he tries to tell me.

“Well, what I need right now is for Nathan to get better, Luke, so it’s all one and the same, isn’t it?” I sigh.

“You’re not going to be of any help to him or Meredith if you can’t hold yourself together,” he warns, “Look, I know you’re trying your best and you’re doing a damn good job, Hales. I just don’t want to see you burnt out. I know how you get.”

“Oh? And how is that, Luke? Why don’t you go ahead and enlighten me on how my mind works, on how I ‘get’?”

“Knock it off,” he orders gruffly, “You know exactly what I’m talking about. You let it all pile up on you, not letting anyone else help you or shoulder your burden, and it just crushes down on you until you collapse. I don’t want to see that happen. God, for Meredith’s sake, it can’t happen! You’re her only parent capable of being a parent right now, Hales!”

“Shut up!” I yell into the phone, forgetting myself, “You have no right to say that, no right to open your mouth and say something like that, Luke! You don’t know what’s going on here, you don’t know what he’s capable of, and you don’t know what I’m capable of!”

“I’m not trying to undermine Nathan or anything, I promise, and I’m sure as hell not underestimating you, Hales, I’m just worried.” He pauses, and I can hear him taking a deep breath as he probably tries to figure out what to say next that won’t cause me to fly off the handle. “Look, I wish it were different, but I don’t trust him right now. And I’m sorry, but I’m not sure that you should, either. I guess that’s all I’m trying to say.”

“I didn’t say I did,” I sigh.

“Yeah, but you letting him be there with you and Mere definitely implies that you do, Hales,” he points out, “And it just worries me.”

“It’s fine, he’s sober, Luke. And he promised he’d stay that way, at least while we were here. I – he wouldn’t hurt Mere, he wouldn’t want to be in a position where he might,” I argue.

“I – don’t freak out on me, but how do you know that? Did you check the house? Everywhere, for drugs? It’s a big house, and he could have stuffed stashed around in places he knows you wouldn’t look. I just – I think you’re right, he wants to stay sober, wants to get help, but Hales, if he knows it’s there, then he might not be able to withstand the temptation.”

The mere thought of that sends me spinning around, glancing towards the house in fear. “Luke, I need you to call Brooke and tell her I won’t be in until tomorrow, and that I’ll call her later with the details.”

“Yeah, of course, but – “

“I have to go, I’ll talk to you soon, bye.” I hang up on him.

I don’t even think about it, I just start running to the house, needing to see them, to make sure they’re okay. Because Luke’s right, in some ways – I can’t trust Nathan. I can’t trust him to stay off drugs, especially now, when he hasn’t even had any counseling or help. And I can’t even trust him to stay clean around Mere.

These things are hard – hard as anything – for me to admit, even to myself. But they’re still true. And I have to be diligent and make sure that Meredith is okay in all this. If that’s the one thing I know I can do and do right, then I have to be doing it. Even if that pisses Nathan off or offends him. I don’t want to do that, don’t want to hurt him, but Mere comes first.

They’re coming down the steps toward me, causing me to stop shortly, nearly falling. Mere barely even notices as she screams for the ducks, but Nathan does. He knows, even after everything, that something is wrong, that I’m upset. It hurts to see the concern in there, and it hurts more to think, to know, that a lot of what is wrong and what is upsetting me is him. Directly and indirectly.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, worried. He leans down to pick Mere up so she can’t run down and get too close to the water. “Did Brooke say something to upset you?”

I shake my head, reaching out a hand to brush over Mere, but Nathan intercepts it, holding it in his own. “I called Luke, actually,” I admit, “I know you disagree, but your family deserves at least to know that you’re here and you’re alive.”

Unmistakable anger washes over his face, but he masks it quickly and just nods. “And let me guess, he took it poorly that you’re staying in the same place as me.” I nod – there’s no point in sugar-coating anything. “Who does he think he is? It isn’t like he’s your husband, he has no right to say where you can stay.”

It is on the tip of my tongue to yell that he isn’t either, but crying and lashing out about things I cannot change isn’t what I need right now. It isn’t what Nathan needs, and it certainly isn’t something I want my daughter to see.

“He’s just worried,” I explain quietly, “Right or wrong in his assessments, it all stems from concern. For all of us.”

“When did this become about him?” Nathan wonders, “He has nothing to do with this. It’s us – you, me, Merry. Right, baby?”

He directs the last part to her, jostling her in his arms as she giggles, distracted from her repeated cries to be let down. He does so, grabbing her hand when she hits the ground, so now he has a hold on both of us as we walk down and sit on the edge of the dock. Nathan and I are side by side, and Mere is on his lap, throwing bread into the water.

“Your family loves you,” I try and reason with him, “I know that isn’t something that you’re feeling right now, but they do. They love you, and they’re really worried about you. Your mom, she’s pretty upset by all this.”

“Well, I’m surprised she’s even bothering,” he grounds out, catching himself when Meredith looks up at him quizzically, “It isn’t like she tends to make big efforts with me.”

“She loves you,” I sigh, “And I don’t know if that is just not good enough for you or what, but it’s something. It’s a lot more than some people will ever have.”

“She doesn’t know me,” he argues, and I know this is something he’s always felt about his parents, particularly Deb, “And she doesn’t understand me. She never has. Maybe she never tried, maybe she never wanted to. I don’t know.”

“Maybe you’re just complicated,” I tease, surprising us both. I actually tense and shift slightly away from him it makes me so uncomfortable with myself.

“I hate that you do that,” he mutters, glaring out at the water.

“Do what?”

“Flinch, move away from me. I deserve it, I know, but I still hate it. I still wish there was a way I could make things better for us, but mostly better for you.”

“But you can’t,” I sigh, glancing at Mere who is happily oblivious to us right now as her duckies swim around waiting for the little chunks of bread she throws their way.

“I will, though,” he says tightly, “I am going to make this all up to you. I promise you that.”

“Don’t,” I counter, “Don’t make me promises that you can’t keep. Let’s just deal with things as they happen. Looking ahead at something that might never even happen won’t do either of us any good right now.”

“Yeah, okay,” he agrees, which is new in all this, “Maybe that’s the best way to handle this. I don’t know, though, I just want something, some reassurance that things will be okay.”

“There are none,” I whisper, biting my lip, “We both might wish there were, we both might wish that we knew how everything would turn out, but we don’t, Nathan. And right now, I don’t even know if I can say I wish they’d turn out how you seem to want them to.”

“You mean – “ he begins, only to cut himself off when he looks down at Meredith in his arms, “We’ll have this conversation during nap time.”

I nod, fixing my attention out on the water, watching the boats passing by, some flying by with water-skiers and wake boarders attached, some yachts cruising by lazily, and many sailboats with the brightly patterned sails up flying high. The distraction is nice, and for a minute I can let myself pretend that things are normal, that my life hasn’t been shot to hell in recent weeks.

It doesn’t last long, of course. But what does? Even the things that I counted on most, had most faith in their longevity, have proven me wrong recently. Why should I believe that something can last when everything falls away or slips through my fingers?

We go inside, together, and if someone were to be watching us, we’d look like a normal family sharing a normal family activity. They’d think we were happy. But they don’t know, they wouldn’t see the cracks, the strain. It’s here, though, but Nathan and I are probably doing a good job of hiding it, all for Meredith’s sake.

“She’s tired,” Nathan notes, “Maybe we should take her inside.”

I nod, taking her and holding her while he gets to his feet then bends and takes her from me. I get up and follow slowly behind them, regretful to leave out here. There is some sense of peace on this dock, enough particularly happy memories that it is easier to let go of some of the other things. In some ways when we’re here, the other stuff, the bad stuff this time, falls away, leaving the good behind for us to hang onto.

I don’t know why it is easier out here – maybe it is the bright sun, maybe the fresh air, maybe it really is just the good memories. More likely, it’s just that Mere is so happy out here with those ducks that it is easier to focus on good instead of bad for a change.

I follow them into our bedroom, where he puts her on the bed. She’s already fallen into a sound sleep in the short walk from outside into the house, and she barely even stirs when he lies her down. She looks so peaceful, so calm, and I just wonder what she knows, what she understands. It makes me jealous, in a way, that she can be so unaffected by everything that is going on between me and Nathan, but mostly, I’m just glad. It’s better for her, for all of us, this way.

Once she’s settled in, Nathan kisses her forehead and then stands back up, coming towards me and wrapping his arms around me. It’s an internal fight not to pull away, not to tell him to let me go. I don’t, but so much in me screams that I should, screams that there needs to be some sort of distance kept between us.

Because leading either of us on isn’t a good thing right now. And that’s all it is, leading ourselves on with the touching and whatever. I can’t do it, not to either of us.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the room with him, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I nod, “Just thinking of all the things I have to do, get everything in the boxes and ready to go for the movers. I still have to finish Mere’s room, and I need to go back through our room and the bathroom, make sure I didn’t miss anything.”

“You’re babbling,” he says quietly.

“Sorry,” I shrug to myself, knowing he’s right. I can’t help it, though. I’m nervous, about all of this, and scared.

“Want to tell me why?”

“I don’t know, Nathan.”

“You do, too,” he counters, knowing better, “And it obviously has to do with me, of course, so why don’t we just get it out? Come on, I saw you on the phone, I saw how upset you were getting. What’d he say to you that upset you so much?”

“The truth,” I answer quietly, “He told me the truth. He was a bit of an ass about it sometimes, saying things in the worst ways possible, but it was the truth.”

“And the truth hurts?”

“All of this hurts,” I confirm, “And maybe I’m not dealing with it the ‘right’ way, and maybe I’m making mistakes, but I’m trying. And I don’t think he gets it. And here I am, telling you this and adding to your burdens. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Nothing is wrong with you, Haley. And you aren’t really telling me anything, so you aren’t adding to anything, either. It’s okay.”

“It isn’t okay, none of this is okay. You want to know what Luke asked me? What he asked that really resonated, really made me stop and think?” He looks hesitant, inherently knowing that this isn’t going to be something he wants to hear, but he nods after a moment. “He asked if you still had drugs stashed in the house, if I’d checked every single place they could be. And you know what? I checked a lot of places, before you were released from the hospital, but I didn’t check everywhere.”

He drops my hand looking down. That’s all the confirmation I need, but I wait for him to tell me himself. “There’s probably more. In the garage, maybe, in the game room downstairs. The workout room.”

I close my eyes briefly, nodding. “I should’ve checked, I can’t believe I didn’t check. Mere and I will go to a hotel for the night. No, I can’t. I’ll have Melissa take her over there to play with the kids and spend the night, and I’ll stay here and pack. I have a lot to do here, I don’t know what I was thinking, assuming it’d only take a day or so.”

“You can’t leave,” he bursts out, panicked, “Haley, I need Mere here, I want to spend time with her. Neither of us knows what will happen, and I can’t take the chance of not seeing her for a month or whatever.”

“There are drugs here,” I hiss at him, “Drugs that I was so stupid to think were gone, that I’d found and tossed already. But they’re here, with our daughter, and with you. And Lucas is right, I can’t trust that you can resist this temptation.”

“Your faith in me is really touching, Haley,” he bites out, pulling away from me with a wounded look on his faces, “I can’t believe you’d think I’d just start using them again just because they’re here.”

“That’s how it works, Nathan!” I cry, “I don’t like it, I don’t think you like it, but that’s the fact! You’re an addict, and you haven’t even gotten help for it!”

“I’m not an addict!” he yells back, “You have no fucking idea! I can stop anytime I want to, I’ve stopped now! You don’t know what you’re talking about, Haley.”

“Then why did you go to Vegas?” I ask quietly, knowing I’ve just won this argument. It doesn’t feel good to win, though. Just empty.

“Because I was mad at you!” he screams, damn near at the top of his lungs. He turns away from me, continuing to yell about how I had no right to leave him, no right to take Mere. I just shake my head, waiting for him to calm down. There’s no point in trying to deal with him now; it’ll be easier to let him rant and rave and ignore his words for now. Until I feel Mere press herself tight against my legs, her arms wrapping around them.

“Oh, my God,” I breathe, bending down to scoop her up. I blanche at the sight of her wide-eyed, tearstained face as she whimpers. “Nathan!”

He turns around, his face dropping immediately when he sees Mere and her distress. “Oh, God, Merry, come here,” he whispers, hurrying over to us, “I’m so sorry, baby, come to Daddy.”

She wraps her arms tighter around me, burying her face in my neck. Hot tears spring to my eyes at the look of anguish on Nathan’s face and the sound of Mere whimpering.

“Nathan, maybe – “ I cut myself off, unable to say it.

He nods. “I know, I just – I didn’t mean to scare her, I didn’t mean to yell. I love her, Haley, so much. God, I love you both so much.”

“I know, Nathan, I know and she knows. She was asleep, she was just startled, that’s all.” I shouldn’t be giving him an out, I should be using this as a way of making him open his eyes, see what he’s doing to us, see what he’s doing to her.

He shakes his head. “Merry, it’s okay, come see me?” he questions softly, placing his hand on her back.

She lifts her head to look at him, her eyes filled with the most heart-breaking tears I’ve ever seen. Her gaze shifts to me, and all I can do is smile reassuringly at her and kiss her forehead gently. “It’s okay, baby, Mommy and Daddy are going to be quiet now,” I promise her.

She nods, but lays her head on my shoulder, still watching him warily and resisting his efforts to take her in his arms. He’s crushed, I can tell. I don’t blame him – she’s never pulled away or shied away from either of us, and it is devastating to see her do so now, even though he brought it on himself in a way.

“You want to go see Daddy?” I ask quietly, swaying slightly in hopes of calming her further. She shakes her head, clutching me tighter again. “Baby, it’s okay, Daddy’s not mad at you,” I promise her as his face crumbles at her rejection, “He’s not mad, sweets.”

“I’m not, Merry,” he tries, the tears he’d been trying to hold back spilling over onto his cheeks. I can’t stop myself from reaching out to brush one away. “I love you, Merry berry.”

He looks at me pleadingly, but I don’t know what to do. If he’s making her nervous or upsetting her, I’m certainly not forcing her to go to him. But God, I can’t bear this, I cannot bear seeing either of them like this.

“It’s okay, sweets,” I assure her, “Come on, look at Mommy.” She lifts her head up. “Were we too loud?” She nods. “Well, we’re sorry, baby. See, Daddy is sorry, too, sweets.”

“I am, Merry, I am so sorry. Come here, come see me for a minute, okay?” He holds his arms out, and this time, after looking at me for reassurance, she goes. It must have really startled her, Nathan yelling like that and waking her up, for her to be this reticent around him. “Oh, baby, I’m sorry,” he whispers in her hair. I lay my hand on his arm, squeezing gently.

“She’s okay, Nathan, she knows,” I try to assure him, but it pains me when I see the doubt is still there. “Here, why don’t I take her back to bed, okay? I’ll be back out in just a minute.”

He nods, still visibly disturbed by all that just happened in such a short amount of time. Hell, I’m visibly disturbed by it, choking back tears when Mere practically jumps in my arms again, her tearstained face quickly buried against my chest.

I take her back into our bedroom, settling her on the bed and surrounding her by her favorite toys and her blankie before grabbing her book and reading it to her three times. She’s pretty wound up after being startled and crying so hard, so it takes longer than usual to get her to fall back asleep.

When she finally does, I leave the room as quietly as possible, taking care to shut the door on my way out. Nathan isn’t in the hall anymore, and I don’t find him in the living room, kitchen or backyard either. Which leaves downstairs, which is where he said any stash he might have still would be.

Thinking the worst isn’t something I enjoy, it isn’t something that makes me feel good about any of this. But it can’t be helped. Things are what they are, and part of what they are is Nathan having a problem with drugs. And I’d be seriously remiss not to wonder, not to fear.

I find him out in the garage, sitting on the hood of one of his flashy sports cars holding a box, nervously moving the lid up and down, but never taking it all the way off.

“Nathan? Are you okay?”

He looks up at me, the same stricken look he had on his face when I took Mere to bed on it now. “I scared her, Haley. I scared our baby. How, how could I do that to her?”

“You didn’t mean to, we both know that,” I offer, moving over to stand in front of him, “And I should’ve known better, too. Things are tense, Nathan, we’re doing the best we can.”

He shakes his head. “This – this box, has pills in it. Speed, you know? And my first thought, when you took her in that room, was that I should come down here and take a few. You’d never know, right?”

“Oh, Nathan.”

“I didn’t,” he quickly swears, “I didn’t. But I wanted to, and I could’ve. It would’ve been so easy. Even now, with you standing there, right in front of me, I want them, Haley. I do, god, I don’t know what to do, but I want them.”

“Will you give them to me?” I ask quietly, “I can get rid of them for you. We have to get rid of them.”

He nods, his hands trembling as he hands the box to me. “I can’t do it, I’m not ready yet. If – if you want it done, I – you’ll have to do it.”

I nod, understanding. “Are there more? I know you don’t want to do this, I know it’s hard, and I know what I’m about to say isn’t fair, but think about what just happened. We can’t let that happen again, Nathan.”

“I know,” he agrees, shaking badly, “I know we can’t. I don’t want to.”

“Tell me,” I press, “If there are more, tell me where, and I’ll get them and I’ll get rid of them, Nathan. Please, don’t put this off. For me, do it for me.”

He takes me to them, at least some of them, and he stands by when I flush what we pull out of his pretty ingenious hiding spots away. He doesn’t say anything through it all, and when it’s done, I turn around to him and put my arms around his neck.

“Thank you,” I whisper. I don’t know if this is all of them, but it is a start. He’s still shaking, which scares me, but he’s trying to pull himself together, so I don’t say anything yet. If it keeps up, I’ll question him on it, but I know he won’t want to discuss it yet. “Why don’t we go upstairs and sit out on the deck. We can leave the door open, and that way we’ll hear her if she calls for us.”

“I’ll help you pack,” he mutters dully, “And we’ll have you take all the furniture. It’s just better that way, easier.”

“No, we shouldn’t,” I argue, “What if we don’t stay there? Then there’s no point in moving things twice, right?”

He glances over at me, finally seeing me. “You’re going to stay, we both know that. It’s probably surprising you lasted this long here anyway.”

“I like it here,” I defend, then realize what he said, “And what is that supposed to mean? That I wouldn’t have lasted here.”

“You’ve wanted to go back to Tree Hill since day one, this just provides you with the excuse you needed.”

“How dare you,” I hiss at him, “I’ve been nothing but supportive of you, supportive of your career even when doing so hurt me because you didn’t come home when you were supposed to or you were an ass to me or you skipped our daughter’s birthday, all because you were too strung out on drugs to care about anyone besides yourself. I love it here, I love our house, I love our friends, and for the most part, I loved our life! I might have missed home, yeah, but never at the expense of what we had here. How dare you accuse me of that!”

He looks down, again breaking his gaze from mine. “I’m sorry, that’s not fair,” he agrees, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“I’m going to go upstairs,” I say stiffly, turning away from him. I stop immediately when he grabs my hand and turn around to face him. There are tears in his eyes again, and it just hurts to see him broken like this. But I don’t want to let him try and break me, too, and I don’t think he knows what else to do right now besides attack me with words and insults.

“I am sorry,” he repeats, “I had no right to say that. You’re amazing, Haley J, I know that. I’m just – everything is just so messed up right now.”

“I know, Nathan,” I sigh, “But I can’t do this, I can’t take it when you say things like that. All of this hurts me so bad already, and then when you say that stuff, it just kills me.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have,” he amends, “I mean that, Haley J.”

I nod. I believe him, I do. It doesn’t change anything that has happened or make anything hurt less, but I believe he means that.

“Let’s go check on Mere,” I suggest, tugging on his hand to come along with me, “And then you can help me with the heavy stuff.”

He allows me to pull him along up the stairs, and it is a relief to get him out of here. He swears he can’t remember anywhere else he might have stashed his drugs or steroids, but it’s hard to trust in that completely. And it seems most likely they’d be down here or in the garage, so getting him away from this part of the house is a relief.

“I meant it earlier when I said you should take the furniture,” he says as he hands me a marker to label a box of Mere’s things, “In fact, maybe we should call up a real estate agent and get started getting a house for you two.” I open my mouth to protest, but he continues on. “No, I mean it, Haley. It doesn’t have to be a huge one, like this, but I’d like it if you’d get a house down there. Make it a home for her.”

“Okay,” I surprise both of us by agreeing, “Maybe that makes sense. A small one, though, I don’t want to worry about a big house right now.”

“On the beach?” he prompts, smiling a little.

“All the houses on the beach are huge,” I remind him, “You couldn’t find one with less than five bedrooms out there.”

“If I could, would you move into it with her?”

“You won’t find one!” I protest, “And you can’t build one, either! I mean it, Nathan, that doesn’t count.”

“Aw, shucks,” he intones, smiling at me, which warms my heart way more than it should, “But I didn’t mean that. Besides, I want you guys to be able to move straight in there pretty much. I don’t want you two having to wait around for a house to open up.”

“It doesn’t have to be a beach house,” I point out, “Mere will never know the difference. When she wants to see the ducks, I can take her down by the river or something.”

“You’re going to end up getting her a duck,” he predicts, “This kid of ours won’t want puppies or kittens, she’ll want ducks.”

I laugh at that. “She wants a dog, too. Luke has this gigantic, panting, shedding ball of fluff, and she’s in love with him. I’m not so sure if the sentiment is mutual considering she makes him drag her around, but she loves him.”

“I wish I could see that,” he sighs, smiling wistfully.

“You will,” I assure him, “You’re going to get through the program you choose, and you’re going to come back and see all the things that she does, Nathan.”

“I messed up, so bad. I don’t just mean the things I’ve done leading up to today – at least I never scared her during those things. If she’d seen me, yeah, she’d have been scared, but thank God, she didn’t. But today, she was terrified of me, Haley. I was – I wasn’t sure if she’d let me hold her again.”

“She was just startled.”

“By me,” he sighs, and I can see again how this is tearing him up, “I shouldn’t have raised my voice, I shouldn’t have yelled. I don’t know what is wrong with me that I keep doing this to her, to you.”

“Nathan, you made a mistake, it’s okay. She’ll forget all about it. That’s the luxury of her being two, she moves on quickly.”

“We shouldn’t have to count on her forgetting, though,” he argues, “Because I shouldn’t be making her cry, making her afraid of me in the first place.”

“Nathan, she isn’t afraid of you. If she hadn’t been startled out of sleep, she probably would’ve just crinkled her nose at you and told you to shush. She’s fine, you’re fine.”

He nods, letting it go for now as we walk up the stairs together. He’s in a bad place right now, so close to the edge – it scares me to think of leaving him.

“Come with us,” I blurt out, “Tomorrow. Please, Nathan, fly back with us. I don’t want you here alone.”

“You mean to say that you don’t trust me here alone,” he corrects, “I don’t blame you, though, I haven’t don’t anything to earn your trust, right?”

“I’m just worried mostly,” I shrug, even though that’s a very sugar-coated way of putting it. Because he’s right, I don’t trust him, and I shouldn’t. I couldn’t. “You admitted that you wanted to use what you had here. And I’m so proud that you didn’t, but it scares me that you’re in a place where you can admit that you want them, but that you won’t admit that you’re an addict.”

“I just – it isn’t the same,” he argues, “That doesn’t mean that I have a problem.”

“Oh, Nathan.”

“What? Are you going to contradict me, tell me all the signs of addict behavior I’m exhibiting? If you are, save it. I know what I am, and I’m not an addict.” He’s quiet for a moment, then repeats, seemingly for his own benefit, “I’m not.”

What do I say to this? I’m not going to be able to convince him otherwise, and I’m not sure if there is even a point in me trying. His denial is something he’s going to have to work through with treatment and counseling, and the first person he’s going to have to admit his problem to is himself. I can’t force him to admit it to me, especially if he doesn’t really believe it.

“Let’s get packing. We can worry about everything else later,” I sigh.

“No, let’s go look at properties in and near Tree Hill online,” he suggests, “We don’t have to buy anything today, but can we at least look? I’d really feel better knowing you guys were going to have a house soon.”

I nod, giving in. He’s set on this, and if Mere and I being in a house gives him some kind of peace of mind, then fine, I can concede to that. “Nothing big, I mean it,” I warn, “We just need something simple and easy to take care of, okay?”

“Your choice,” he assures me, following me into the office where his computer is. “You packed yours up already?”

I nod. “Yeah, it was something I’d definitely need. It has everything I need to keep my portfolio up on it, and it was just one of those things I knew would be necessary.”

“Okay,” he sighs, letting me sit at the chair at the desk and grabbing another and pulling it up next to mine.

His proximity, his nearness only serves to remind me that this isn’t something we should be doing like this. We should be doing this, looking for homes in Tree Hill because we both want to, because we want our daughter to spend a part of her life growing up where her parents grew up and fell in love. Where she was conceived. It shouldn’t feel I’m running away from Nathan and his problems, it should feel like we’re doing something wonderful together as a family.

That isn’t the case, though. This is not some happy little Rockwell time where we’re picking out our rustic beach cabin – this is about finding a home for Mere and I to live in while Nathan goes to rehab and hopefully gets his life in order. And there are no promises of what will come after that. Even if he gets cleaned up and healthy again, how do we move past all that has happened, all that has been said? It still seems so impossible, perhaps too big to overcome.

My cell phone rings, and I curse under my breath knowing that it is either Luke or Brooke calling, more than likely to harass me about my plans and Nathan. “I have to get this,” I sigh, a glance at the screen telling me it is Brooke, “She’ll just call until I answer.”

“And then she’ll call the house phone, and yeah, go ahead, I’ll just bookmark any that look like they’d be good enough for you two.”

“Okay, thanks,” I murmur, letting myself out of the room, answering the phone. “Don’t you dare yell at me, Davis, I’m not in the mood,” I warn her by way of greeting.

“Oh, knock it off,” she spits out, “Just because you’re afraid that I’m going to tell you the damn truth doesn’t give you the right to get snippy with me!”

“You’re right,” I agree, feeling like shit for being preventatively nasty to her, “And I’m sorry. I just – I don’t want to hear it, I really don’t.”

“Oh, well, that’s just tough shit,” she mutters, “Because I have a few things to say, and a few more to ask. First of all, what the hell are you thinking, staying there with him? Letting Meredith be around him? That’s just crazy, Haley!”

I slip outside, shutting the door behind me so that Nathan doesn’t have to overhear any of this. “It’s my choice, Brooke. He’s sober right now, and as long as he stays that way, it’s okay. Not great, not even comfortable, but for his sake and Mere’s, it was important that I stay here with him.”

“You – you, oh, my God, I cannot believe you!” she sputters, obviously worked up by this, “How can you stay in the same house with him? He screwed who knows how many sluts, did who knows how many drugs of who knows what origins! You owe him nothing! Absolutely nothing!”

“I cannot believe you would throw that in my face,” I mumble quietly, “Because that is low. So low of you to bring up the worst thing that has happened to me and just shove it in my face as a way of making your point.”

“I – Haley, I didn’t – “

“No, you know what, Brooke? I don’t even care what you meant right now. I’m doing the best I can with what I have. And you can tell Lucas this, too, since I’m sure he’s right there over your shoulder listening. I don’t care what either of you think. In fact, unless I ask for it directly, you need to keep your opinions to yourself. This is my child, my boyfriend, and I’m doing the best I can to make sure they’re both okay. And maybe you can’t understand that making sure that Nathan is okay is a priority, but that doesn’t make it any less important to me.”

“Haley!” she gasps in protest, “We’ve been nothing – nothing! – but supportive of you in all this. When you decided to go back there, we let you. We didn’t warn you or try and get you to stay. When you tracked him down to Vegas, no one said anything that wasn’t supportive. And now, when we question the veracity of what you’re doing, you throw a temper tantrum? That’s bullshit.”

“This is not a tantrum, Brooke,” I sigh, “This is just me telling you that I don’t appreciate your attitude about this, and that I don’t think you have any right to judge me on whether or not I let my daughter see her father. Because that’s what it comes down to for you, right?”

“You think that I want you to keep Meredith away from Nathan? That’s bogus!” she huffs out, “I can’t believe you! I just want you and Meredith to be safe, and I’m so sorry if you don’t get it, but that means you both need to be away from that boozing, drugging, cheating asshole right now!”

“He’s sober, Brooke. And yeah, he might not be able to stay that way for much longer, but he’s trying right now. And you know what? It’s hard for him. But he’s trying. And if he’s trying, and Meredith is so thrilled to see him, I can’t leave him. Not when he’s sober and rational and might listen to reason.” I shake my head, so frustrated I could scream. “He needs me, Brooke, and I owe it to him to be here right now.”

“You’re insane,” she sighs, “You don’t know what he’s going to do, Haley. You just don’t! I mean, yeah, it sounds nice and peachy that he’s back and seemingly sober, but you don’t know for sure that he is, right? Have you pee tested him? Have you gotten a blood sample? Until you have, you don’t know.”

“You’re being ridiculous,” I sigh, “He had the opportunity today, Brooke. And he gave them to me. He showed me where the rest were, and we flushed them.”

I’m not telling her that I still have doubts, but right now, his need for me supersedes those. As long as I can trust that Mere is safe, then I have to help him. And it is only for one more night, anyway.

“That doesn’t mean it was all of them,” she reasons, “Come on, what if Meredith finds them? Wasn’t that why you left in the first place?”

“Yeah, it was,” I agree, “And I know you don’t understand why I’m back, why I’d let her be in this house again, but maybe it isn’t for you to understand.”

“I can’t believe you’re staying there. When are you coming back?”

“Tomorrow, like I told Lucas,” I assure her, “I’m not staying here forever. In fact, right now, Nathan is looking for a house online to buy for Mere and I.”

“He’s going to buy you a house?” she repeats, incredulous, “That’s ridiculous! This is about you becoming independent, getting by without him! He can’t buy you a house.”

“I’m looking at it like it is for Mere. He’s right – she’s always lived in a house with a yard on water. I wasn’t going to take any furniture, but she needs the familiarity that having our things around would provide her. I can’t not take these things, not let Nathan buy us a house just to satisfy my pride,” I explain.

“I don’t know if you’re making the right decisions right now,” she sighs, and I know she’s worried. But I also know that it isn’t going to do me any good to have her second guessing my decisions right now.

“It’s all about doing the best I can with what I have, Brooke.”

“No, what it is about is doing the best for your daughter, and that means getting her the hell out of there!”

“How is that good for her? You have no idea how happy she was to see him, how her eyes lit up and how she squealed for him! You don’t understand how close she is to him or how much she loves and adores him, Brooke! Whisking her away from him again without letting her spend time with him doesn’t do either of them any good!”

“But keeping her there in a house where there is a drug addict and where said drug addict still might have drugs? Yeah, there’s a better option for you,” she mutters sarcastically.

“I can’t do this with you right now,” I sigh, close to tears. Having her voice all my fears is disconcerting and more than I can take right now. “I’ll see you later.”

”Well, when am I getting you at the airport?”

“Don’t bother, I’ll find another way for Mere and I to get where we need to go,” I inform her curtly, immediately feeling bad but not willing to take it back, “We’ll see you sometime this week.”

“Haley!” she exclaims.

“What? You are being so unsupportive right now, and I’m sorry, maybe it is selfish, but I need support! I’m having a hell of a time with all this, and you’re making it worse!”

“I didn’t mean to do that, but damn it, someone needs to spell some things out for you, apparently. And if it has to be me, then so be it.”

I shake my head, trying to take a deep breath and calm down. “I have thought about all the things you’re telling me, Brooke,” I sigh, “And I’m not taking this lightly, I’m not making some decision right now that is going to change my life forever. I’m just staying here for one extra day, hoping it helps Nathan, if only just a little.”

“Fine. You know where to find me when he fucks up again. Because we both know he will. He’s a drug addict who hasn’t gotten any help yet. It’s only a matter of time,” she points out.

“Yeah, maybe it is. But maybe, by staying here,” I argue, “I’m proving to him how damn important it is to me that he gets that help. And maybe he will.” I shake my head to myself. “You know what, I’ll see you. I can’t continue this anymore.”

I hang up, twinges of guilt sparking at being such a bitch, but right now, I can’t listen to her say that me being here is wrong. Anything that helps him without hurting Mere is something I have to do for him, something I owe him. And he might have yelled and startled her, but she’s okay.

Brooke doesn't understand that no matter what he does, Nathan is still one of the biggest parts of my life. One of the most important. And I have to protect him if I can, help him when I fail to protect. That's just the nature of the beast, I guess. And I wouldn't change it, I wouldn't take back a single second of my life with him. I love him - it hurts now, more than anything, to know what he's capable of, but I do still love him. Somehow, I breathe easier admitting that to myself.

My phone starts ringing again, and the caller ID this time shows Luke. Luke, who was undoubtedly sitting right next to Brooke for the last conversation. Luke, who can't even try and understand that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try and help Nathan. When it rings again, this time showing Brooke as the name, I throw it. All the way into the lake. The greenbelt hippies here would probably lynch me if they saw, but I don't care. I just had to get rid of it, get it out of hearing range.

I couldn't take the whispering in my ear, the trying to tell me how to live my life, how to raise my daughter, them telling me what is best for me, for Mere. Because they don't know. Or maybe they do, to an extent, but they don't understand that without Nathan, there's an emptiness, a hollowness in my world.

"Quite the throwing arm you got there," Nathan's voice rings out from behind me. Gasping at the intrusion, I whirl around to face him, my face growing hot with embarrassment. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you'd been practicing."

"Yeah, that's me," I smile, worried about my throwing arm.

“You okay?”

“Everyone thinks I’m crazy to stay here with you, even for one day.” I glance up at him. “Are they right?”

“What do you mean?” he asks quietly, his stance becoming rigid, “You mean that they think you should leave, that you shouldn’t be here with me?” I nod – that is the gist of it, after all. “No, I don’t think they’re right. I need you, Haley J. And just having you and Mere here, that helps me.”

“They also think it is bad for Mere, that I shouldn’t trust you to stay sober. And they’re right, it is a huge – you probably have no idea how huge - leap of faith for me to stay with you now.” I tilt my head to the side, sighing. “Mere’s safety is the most important thing to me, and they think I’m risking it.” I glance up, looking him in the eye. “Am I?”

“I love her, Haley, I’d never hurt her!” he exclaims, “I’m sorry, but I really don’t understand why it is so hard for you to accept that I would never hurt her, and I’d never hurt you.”

It would be so easy to blurt out that he already has, but if I want to keep the peace here, then I can’t do that. I can’t throw that in his face now. And I want things to stay calm between us, I don’t want to get back into discussions about what he did in Vegas. I can’t, not right now. I want to have the chance to deal with that on my own before I’m faced with him and his rationalizations, lies, downplays, whatever he throws at me.

“Not intentionally. I know that, Nathan. I really do. But unintentionally, it worries me. I do wonder if I made the wrong choice in staying. Maybe I should’ve yanked her out of here the second I heard her squeal your name. I don’t know.”

“Do you know how bad it hurts to hear you say that?” he asks, his eyes filling with tears again.

“Oh, Nathan. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to know that I have to think that, have to wonder those things?” I retort, “Because contrary to what you might believe, I don’t like it. You have no idea how much it hurts me, you have no clue how much any of this does.”

“Oh, yeah, I bet life is hard up there on your high horse, huh, Haley?”

“God, Nathan, do you have to be an ass about this? I’m trying to be fair to you, I’m trying not let my hurt and my anger get in the way, and you have to act like I’ve caused all this, like it’s all my fault. I just wonder…” I trail off.

“Wonder what?” he asks, his tone harsh.

“Why you’re here?” I whisper, “I mean, I saw you in Vegas, I saw you before that. And still, even now, even when you’re sober, you’re still so angry with me. I – I don’t know. I don’t know why you’d want to be here, Nathan. God, I don’t know anything anymore.”

“You know me,” he argues, “And you know I love you. God, even when I was so mad at you, I wanted you near me. I can’t not be with you. You know how much I love you, I know you do.”

“But it doesn’t even matter. You still did – did those things in Vegas, and I’m still here fighting not to cry.” I wrap my arms around myself, suddenly cold despite the warm air out here. “And what do I do? What am I supposed to do, Nathan? I’m so goddamn scared all the time, afraid I’m making things worse, afraid I’m doing wrong by you, by Mere, by myself, and I just don’t know!”

“Hey, shh, baby, its okay,” he murmurs, trying to take me in his arms. I move away from him, though, needing space. “Haley, come here, let me hold you.”

“I can’t,” I cry brokenly, “I just can’t. I can’t pretend, I can’t let you comfort me when you’re the one hurting me, I can’t.”

“No, no more hurting, okay? Please, Haley J, please let me hold you, baby.”

I wipe my eyes, staring at him. It would be so easy, so damn easy to step into his arms, even let him come to me, but I can’t. I can’t keep doing this, to either of us. It isn’t fair, it isn’t right, and we can’t. It hurts both of us too bad.

“Space, Nathan,” I sigh, “We both need space right now. To figure things out, to see what we need.”

“What does that mean?” he asks, his voice terse with frustration, “Are you breaking up with me, Haley? Because we aren’t doing this again.”

“We’re already broken, Nathan. You know that. You can see it. You feel it. I know you do. Maybe we need to be realistic about this stuff and – “

“And what?” he cries when I falter, “And break up? Start seeing other people? You make it sound like what we had doesn’t matter to you, like you don’t care about all the time we’ve spent together, what we shared.”

”You know that isn’t true!” How did I get to this so quickly after defending him to Brooke and Lucas? It doesn’t even make sense.

“Well, then what is the truth? Are you done with me? Is being here now just some last hurrah for you? Some way to trick me into thinking I have a drug problem and get me into rehab? Is that what this is about?”

“Nathan,” I sigh, rolling my eyes, “Stop it. Now you’re just being ridiculous! I love you, and I want you to get better because I love you. Because I love our daughter. And I – I don’t know what will happen in the future, I’m not trying to rush into any decisions. But there are some I might have to make.”

“You’re considering it,” he nods, jaw clenching, “God, Hales, after all we’ve been through?”

“I don’t know! Okay, I don’t know,” I repeat softer when a look of hurt flashes across his face, “I see it, Nathan, all the time. Vegas. I just – I see you there, and I see those – those people that were with you. And I can’t keep seeing that. It just hurts, too much.”

His eyes drift close, as if to block the pain. “It would hurt worse if we were apart. You know that, we’ve done that before.”

“Yeah, maybe it would. But Nathan – they – I – all the time. It’s always there, in front of my face, reminding me. It won’t go away,” I admit.

He approaches me, his hands reaching up to cup my cheeks as he moves closer. “I’m sorry, I never wanted to – I didn’t mean to – “

Unable to help it, I let myself look up at him, for once not getting immediately lost in the crystalline blue of his eyes. No, this time I notice the ashen color of his skin, the beads of sweat forming on his brow. This time I notice when the ashen pallor starts turning vaguely green and his eyes lose the focus he just had.

“Nathan, my God, are you okay? What’s wrong, what happened?”

He shakes his head. “Don’t know. Think I’m fine.”

“No, you don’t look fine. Shit, I’m going to call 911, Nathan,” I tell him, trying to guide him to a chair to sit in while I run inside and get the phone. “Nathan!” I screech when he starts wobbling on his feet and his eyes roll back in his head, “Stay with me, Nathan!”

He lands on the ground in a split second. “Nathan! Oh, oh, my God, Nathan, wake up! Can you hear me?” It takes me a minute to realize what I need to do, what I’m supposed to do, but the second I do, I’m on my feet running for the house to get the phone. As I’m pressing the three keys, I’m already on my way back outside to sit with him, watch him. Make sure he’s okay.

But he isn’t. And I can’t even tell if he’s breathing.

Chapter 11 - 12

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