Getting It All Back

By Brynne

Chapter Eight – Homeward Bound

‘Tonight I’ll sing my songs again,

I’ll play the game and pretend…

But all my words come back to me,

In shades of mediocrity,

Like emptiness in harmony,

I need someone to comfort me…' – P. Simon

~*~Late June, 2013~*~

Getting on that plane nearly killed me. I had to spend most of the night in the airport waiting for a flight, and it just gave me so much time to think about how hard it was to leave Nathan when he is like this. But it also gave me time to realize that it was impossible to stay, too. It really did. Every step that took me closer to being on felt like additional weight was being put on me. Because leaving means giving up, even if it is only temporary. But I’ve accepted that there is nothing I can do for Nathan right now. He neither wants nor realizes that he needs my help, and until one of those come into play, I can’t do anything for him. Not even stay and let him drag me down, too.

If Meredith wasn’t waiting for me at the airport with Brooke, I’d be a mess. I know I would. But they’ll be there, and I am really looking forward to seeing them both. Especially Mere, I think I am going into withdrawals from missing her so much.

And Brooke, too, though. I might miss Mere more, but I owe Brooke everything. I swear, if it weren’t for her, I would’ve lost my sanity at the beginning of all this. She’s just been so supportive and wonderful, and I know I couldn’t ask for a better friend. Not that anyone else hasn’t been anything but great to me, but she’s gone above and beyond for me, listening to me cry at all hours of the night, telling me straight up what I have to do. Just everything.

When I finally get off the plane, I make my way to the baggage claim area where Brooke promised she’d be waiting with Mere. I spot them immediately, and drop my carry-on and my purse to pick Mere up when she runs over and throws herself at me.

“Oh, sweets, I missed you!” I exclaim, hugging her little body close to me. I smile teary-eyed at Brooke over her shoulder. “I missed you, too, Tigger.”

She grins back at me, brushing a hand over Mere’s head. “She’s been talking about you all day, you know. She really missed you.”

“Mommy, Bwooke took me to beach today.”

“Oh, she did, did she?”

“That was actually yesterday,” Brooke informs me, smiling.

“Oh,” I laugh, “Did you guys have fun?”

“Yes!” Mere squeals, laughing when I plant kisses all over her cheeks, pulling away to ask, “Where’s Daddy?”

I visibly wince when she says it, and I glance at Brooke in desperation. Out of all the things I’ve thought about in terms of coming home to see her, coming up with something to tell her about Nathan was not one of those things. Brooke just shrugs, clearly not having any suggestions on how to placate her now.

“Baby, Daddy is on a trip right now. I’m sure he’ll see you just as soon as he can, okay?” I promise her.

She pouts for a minute before brightening up in that resilient way only children can. “Mommy, can we read?”

“Yeah, baby, we can read books all night,” I promise her, delighted to get back into some sort of routine that is just ours, “We can read ‘Poky Little Puppy’ fifty times if you want.”

“Okay, Mommy,” she agrees, leaning her head on my shoulder.

“How are you?” Brooke asks, raising an eyebrow at me, “You look like you got ran over by a truck.”

“That’s about how I feel,” I agree, sighing. “We can talk about all that later on today, okay? Maybe when Mere’s napping.”

“No nap!” she protests, lifting her head to glare at me as her eyes fill with tears.

“No, not right now, sweets,” I agree, “But later. Maybe I’ll nap with you.”

She loves it when I lay down with her, so that readily placates her. I set her down, grabbing her hand, and Brooke and I each grab a bag.

“Wrapped around her finger much?” Brooke laughs.

“She’s my baby, what can I say? I hate seeing her cry.”

“You’re a softie, she’s going to walk all over you,” she teases me as Meredith smiles up at me. I smile back at her, ignoring Brooke. “You are going to end up with one very spoiled child.”

“She isn’t spoiled. Very privileged and very loved, but she’s not spoiled. And even if she were, she doesn’t act like it. She’s a sweet baby. And when she starts acting otherwise, then we’ll change something,” I protest, “Besides, half the spoiling is done by you and everyone else here!”

“I know, I was just giving you a bad time. It’s sweet the way you dote on her,” Brooke laughs, “I mean, she barely knows me, but she’s been so great when I’ve watched her for Karen.”

“Maybe she just likes her Aunt Tigger,” I grin, shrugging, “No accounting for taste, right?”

“Hey!” Brooke gasps, smacking me on the arm with her free hand.

Meredith watches us with wide eyes. “Not nice to hit,” she scolds Brooke, and we both crack up laughing.

“No, baby, it isn’t, but Auntie Brooke was just playing, it’s okay.” I crouch down to her level and kiss her cheek. “But if I catch you hitting someone, I won’t be happy.”

“Okay,” she smiles sweetly, belying the inner brattiness she’s been known to show on several occasions.

“Yeah, right,” I smirk at Brooke.

“You don’t think she’ll listen to that one?” Brooke asks.

“No way,” I confirm, as we walk slowly towards the exit to accommodate Mere who likes to toddle along holding my hand, “My daughter subscribes to the school of thought that promotes hitting the little boys as a way of showing affection.”

“She does not!” Brooke gasps, laughing, “Oh, my gosh, that is so cute! She is my kind of girl! Have you seen her do it?”

“Many, many times,” I smile, “One of Nathan’s teammates, Damien, and his wife Melissa have a little boy named Isaiah. He’s three now, so he’s got that older man thing. And she would pull his hair, grab him, anything to get his attention. She’s awful.”

“Aw, I can’t believe I missed all of these cool things that she did,” Brooke pouts, leaning around me to look at Mere, “You better be all cute like that again soon, missy. I mean it.”

Mere just looks at her like she’s crazy, prompting both Brooke and I to crack up. “Guess we know what she thinks of you now!” I smirk.

“See if I buy her anymore pairs of shoes,” Brooke teases. “So, how does it feel to be back in Tree Hill?”

I roll my eyes at her. “It wasn’t that long ago that I left.”

“No, but it wasn’t that long ago that you hadn’t been here in ages period, so I’m just asking. I think if I ever left here and then came back, it’d seem weird.”

I shrug, “It’s still home, Tigger. I mean, you’re here, Tim, Luke, Karen, Keith, Eric, Dan, and Deb, everyone is here. And you know that’s what makes a home.”

She smiles softly. “Well, that’s a hard lesson to learn, isn’t it? But we were both in that same boat, I guess.”

“Disinterested parents and surrogate families? You bet,” I laugh, “And hey, you know what? Sometimes what you find for yourself is better than what you’re given.”

“Oh, that was disturbingly sappy, Tutor Mommy.”

“Sorry,” I grin, “It was pretty bad, wasn’t it? But it’s still true, I mean, I’m not sorry that I’m not close to my family. I have all of you, and if my family had played more of a role in my life, I don’t know if I would’ve had this. And this? Is good.”

“It is good,” she agrees, “Especially now that you two are back for awhile. I mean, oh, my God, there are so many things we can do now! We’ll have to go to Durham and do some serious shopping. It isn’t New York or probably even Seattle, but it’s better than the Wal-Mart, right? Oh, and we have to take her to that beach we went to when we graduated! That was such a fun night, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember,” I laugh.

“Oh, and we need to take her to the bookstore and load her up on those cute little Duke outfits they have for babies.”

I roll my eyes. “Nathan would have a fit,” I laugh, “She’s already got the full UConn wardrobe, and I do believe she’s been banned from all things not UConn.”

“Well, Nathan isn’t here,” she grumbles, her jaw dropping when she realizes what she said. “Oh, Tutor Mommy, I’m so sorry,” she sighs, looking like she really does feel bad.

“Okay, we had this discussion when I first got here. He’s a part of our lives; his name is going to come up. I don’t think anyone should feel like they have to tiptoe around it, okay?”

We get to her car, and she opens the trunk. “I just feel bad, you know? Like it’s a taboo subject I shouldn’t bring up right now. It’s still pretty fresh.”

“I think it’ll always be sort of fresh,” I shrug, “But it happened, and we can’t pretend like it didn’t.”

“Right, well, anyway, let’s get you two back to Luke’s and settled. I grabbed all of Mere’s things from Karen’s, so you won’t have to make a trip over there today for it.”

“Thanks, Brooke,” I grin as she puts Mere in her car seat, “You’ve done so much for me, well, always, but especially these last few months. You know I’d have gone crazy without you to lean on. As bad as everything has been, and you know it has been awful, it would’ve been far, far worse to go through it without you here.”

She finishes buckling Mere in, pulling away to look at me with tears in her eyes. “Oh, Tutor Girl, you know I’d do anything for you. And I didn’t do anything special, just listened.”

“And helped out with Mere. And you know what? It doesn’t matter if you would term it special or not, to me it was.”

“I’m just glad you felt like you could lean on me,” she smiles, pulling me into a hug, “I mean, I know it’s hard.”

“No, it isn’t,” I correct, “It has never been hard to lean on you.”

“Yeah?”

“Well, yeah, I mean, you’ve been a really good friend to me for a long time now. And you’ve never been anything less than an amazing friend to me.”

“Hey, that works both ways,” she grins, “Come on, let’s get out of here now.”

She drives us back to Luke’s, leaving shortly thereafter since she has a life and a job and can’t neglect it to baby-sit the two of us. And it’s fine, there’s nothing I want more than to just be with my daughter right now. I swear, I need her more than she needs me.

“Okay, sweets, what do you want to do?” I ask her.

“Up, Mommy!”

“So bossy,” I laugh, bending down to scoop her up, holding her so we’re nose to nose. “I missed you, sweets. I am never leaving you for that long again, and that is a promise.” She doesn’t say anything as her eyes drift shut. “You’re sleepy, aren’t you, baby? Should we go lie down now?”

“No, I want lunch,” she protests, “And read to me!”

“Okay, okay, we’ll eat lunch first,” I agree, heading towards the kitchen, “And then when we’re done, we’ll go lie down and read your book, okay?”

“Okay,” she agrees sunnily, squealing to be let down when she sees Luke’s big, dumb dog. “Down, Mommy!”

“Okay, okay, don’t pull his tail!” I warn her, heading into the kitchen to see if there is anything edible in here.

She just giggles and runs off after him. I’m probably going to have to get her a dog when she and I move out of here. She’s way too in love with this one, and maybe it isn’t such a bad thing. It certainly makes her happy, and all things considered, we’re both probably going to need to take our happiness where we can get it.

She’s doing okay so far in terms of being away from Nathan. Brooke said Keith told her she asked for him a lot while I was gone, and that just breaks my heart all over again. But in a way, it is good for me to know. It just gives me that much more incentive to be here for her, focus on her, and let Nathan get to his bottom. It is hard for me to let go of Nathan now, even after leaving him in Vegas, but it isn’t wrong. It just isn’t; I have to be here with Mere.

To my surprise, the kitchen is fully stocked and there is a note from Karen and Deb sitting on the table. It seems they realized that grocery shopping wouldn’t be foremost on my mind when I got back here, and so they did it for me. God, there are just so many people here that I owe so damn much to. At least that is one good thing about us being here – I might have a chance to begin to repay some of it.

I make her a grilled cheese sandwich and cut up an apple. For myself, I just grab an apple since I still don’t have much of an appetite. My stomach is too twisted in knots to eat.

“Meredith, come eat your lunch!” I call for her, catching her when she comes skidding around the corner. “Okay, no more running in here, you’re going to fall and hurt yourself on one of Uncle Luke’s weird pointy tables, babe.”

We eat in silence mostly since she is way too absorbed in picking apart the slices of bread to eat the cheese out of the middle to talk to me, so I just watch her, thrilled to see her even do something so mundane.

“Okay, sweets,” I say when she’s done, “Let’s get you cleaned up and then we’re going to go lie down and read your book, okay?”

“Daddy read?” she asks again, the hopeful tone still in her voice.

“No, Mere, Daddy’s not here.”

“I want Daddy,” she says, her stubborn tone mimicking his, “I want Daddy read to me.”

I bite my lip to keep from crying. “Baby, he’s not here,” I tell her again, my tone soft, “I know you miss him, I do, too.”

Is this how it’s going to be now? Her asking where he is and me just saying he’s ‘not here’? This is exactly why I want him to get better, for her. Because all she understands is that he can’t read to her or cuddle with her or toss her up in the air. It really isn’t fair.

~*~July 4, 2013~*~

“Do we have everything on the list?” Tim asks as we cruise up and down the last aisle at the grocery store.

I groan in dismay. “Smith, you were supposed to be checking things off! That was your one responsibility. I’m telling you, if we forgot something and Brooke pitches a fit, I’m telling her it is all your fault.”

“Hey, I’m the boyfriend, I can do no wrong in her eyes,” he tries to gloat, his face falling when I look at him pointedly and realizes how completely untrue that is. “I’m toast, aren’t I?”

“You bet your sweet butt you are,” I laugh, linking arms with him as he guides the cart towards the checkout line. “So, here, give me the list and I’ll check things out as you put them on the – does that thing have a name?”

He rolls his eyes at me. “Like I’d know. But thanks, that sounds like a good plan, Miss James.”

“Well, I am the master of good plans,” I inform him, reaching around him to grab a candy bar from the impulse shelf. “That’s for you,” I tell him when he glances at it, “Tigger said I could give you a treat if you were a good boy.”

He glares at me, feigning irritation. “You two treat me like a puppy sometimes. I mean, I’m twenty-six, right, and my best friend and my friggin’ girlfriend treat me like I’m some baby puppy that can’t pee on his newspapers.”

“Oh, my God, you’re so sensitive, like a girl,” I tell him, cracking up the teenage girl who is working at the checkout stand.

He growls at me, swatting me on the shoulder. “You’re lucky your daughter isn’t here to see you like this, I think she’d behave more maturely than you. And she’s two.”

I laugh at him. “Tim, she’ll eat dirt if we don’t watch her carefully, I highly doubt that she’s the one you want to point to as a status of maturity.”

“She eats dirt? Man, we could’ve hung if we were the same age.”

“Oh, God,” I groan, “Don’t tell Brooke that you were a dirt eater, too. She’d probably not get quite the kick out of it.”

He smirks at me as he gives the checker his debit card. “You think?” He shakes his head. “I mean, you know I love Brooke, but she’s not always…she’s set in her ways, I guess is the safest way of putting it.”

“Wow, shocking, someone over the age of five who doesn’t eat dirt or appreciate the fine art of dirt eating,” I laugh at him. We finish up with paying and shove the cart outside into the hot morning sun.

“Another year, another fourth of July barbeque,” Tim sighs, shading his eyes, “I wish Brooke wouldn’t insist on holding it again this time. I’m putting my foot down for a Labor Day one, though, no way, no how. This is enough for me.”

“Oh, come on, don’t you like having people over? I haven’t seen your parents and your brothers since I left here after Mere was born, you know,” I remind him, “It’ll be good to see them again.”

I pop open the trunk of my car and we start putting the groceries in there. “Brooke told you Lola would be there, right?”

I nod. “Yeah, she mentioned it when she gave me my task list for today, and she’d mentioned they were getting pretty close awhile ago. Why?”

“She was such a bitch to you the last few times she was around. I just know that you have a lot going on right now, and I didn’t want you to have to deal with something that might be unpleasant.”

“Aw, Timmy, are you worried about me?” I laugh delightedly, “That’s just about the sweetest thing I’ve heard in months! Except for everything Mere says, because we all know she’s the sweetest thing ever.”

He sets the last bag in the trunk, closing it and we get in the car. “You know, that girl is going to have a big head. We’re all constantly telling her how wonderful she is, how pretty, how smart, how funny,” he laughs.

“Well, can she help it if that’s what she is?” I ask, laughing, “And besides, look at her father’s side of the family, Tim. Is there any way she could escape without having a massive ego?”

“Good point,” he agrees, laughing, “There isn’t a one of them, save Keith maybe, who hasn’t at one point or another thought they were the greatest thing on earth.”

“Have you seen Keith when he’s making breakfast? Because that would completely dismiss that notion from your pretty little head,” I assure him, “He refers to himself as the Breakfast King. But I have to admit, his pancakes are pretty much to die for.”

“Hey, maybe he could teach me how to whip up a nice breakfast. Since we became official, we haven’t had much free time that coincided. And then today, when we finally do, we’re hosting this huge thing and there’s no time for us to spend alone.”

“Aw, Tim, that’s really sweet,” I grin at him, although it leaves me feeling a little wistful for how things used to be with me and Nathan.

“Yeah, well, she deserves it, you know? I just want to do something that makes her really happy, even if it is just for the morning.”

“She’d love that,” I assure him, “As long as it isn’t too early. You know how Brooke is about beauty sleep and whatnot.”

“Yeah, I sure do,” he grins, giving me his most lecherous wink.

“Pervert, I don’t need to think about that, thank you very much.” I roll my eyes. “So, how did we get stuck shopping while Brooke gets to spend the morning playing with my daughter?”

“She’s a master manipulator,” he grumbles, “I still have six more errands to run this afternoon, and all of them are like pickups that have to be made at exact, precise times. She’s going to run me too ragged to do anything nice for her.”

“Suck it up, Smith, be a man,” I laugh.

We get back to Brooke and Tim’s place, and each grab a few bags of groceries. We’re laughing and joking around as we take them into the kitchen. After a few more trips, we have everything in and start taking it out of the bags. Tim washes up an apple and takes a huge bite out of it.

“Oh, I am so telling on you!” I exclaim, “Brooke!”

He claps his hand over my mouth. “Haley, no, don’t tell her, I forgot, I didn’t mean to eat her apple! Oh, God, she’s going to try and make pies, and I bit her apple!”

I crack up at him, pushing his hand away. “Okay, okay, I won’t tell her. But do you really think she won’t notice the bite out of it?” I ask when he starts to put it back in the bag, “And that’s just gross, Tim! No one wants your germs all over the apples!”

“Well, what do I do?” he asks, furrowing his brow in concern as he pulls the list out of his pocket, “The list does say eight apples, and if I just bit into one of them, then that is only seven apples in the bag.”

“Go get another one if you’re so worried about it,” I laugh, shoving him towards the door, “I can finish up in here.”

“Yeah? Tell Brooke I’ll be right back,” he grins, grabbing his keys and running out the door.

Once he’s gone, I put away the rest of the groceries. Its quiet times like this, when I’m alone or sometimes when I’m with Mere, that I really let myself think about everything, think about why I’m here. It isn’t easy right now. Luke came back two days after I did. They hadn’t had any progress with Nathan anyway. He’d checked out of the MGM and into some dive hotel off the Strip, and while Dan followed him, there wasn’t much Luke could do, so he returned here for work

Dan is still there, although it seems like it is a pretty futile endeavor. I guess that Nathan calmed down a little after I left and he switched hotels. No more wild parties with people looking for a free ride, so that was a step in the right direction. But from what Dan says, he’s every bit as hostile still and he’s gotten so brazen that he actually snorted cocaine in front of Dan. He doesn’t even try and hide it anymore.

I’m not sure how to react to that. I’m really not. Because I honestly believe he wasn’t using cocaine before he left Seattle, that he’d never even tried it until he got to Vegas, so it all seems like yet another ‘screw you’ directed towards me. Probably even beyond me, to the team, to our family, to the world. He’s so angry, and he really seems to be a place where he’d rather lash out and take out his problems on everyone else rather than face them himself.

Brooke and Luke are the only ones here that I’ve really told the full story of what happened during those short periods of time I was alone with Nathan. They have both been really great to me, listening and not saying much about it. And it is better that way, even though I know they have opinions on the subject. And I know what they are, too. They both want to kick his ass.

I don’t know what I want. A part of me wants to yell and scream and hit him for what he’s done, how he’s torn me apart. I just can’t get that image out of my mind, that image of the look on his face when I found those panties and noticed the condom wrappers. He looked guilty, and I guess stricken. He never admitted it, but there is just too much in the way of circumstantial evidence for me to think he didn’t sleep with one or more of the women he had in there.

And it is so stupid, after everything I have seen and heard and know about him, but worry for him still clouds my mind and my judgment. It drives me crazy not knowing how he is constantly and worrying about what could happen. Horrible visions of more slutty bitches float through my head, as do even worse visions of overdoses and other things too horrid to contemplate.

At least by being back here I have had ample time to research what we’re looking at in terms of his addiction. And it doesn’t seem like it will be pretty, that’s for sure. There was one website I found, and they had sort of an FAQ section, and one of the questions ‘how do I know if I have an addiction?’ And the answer was basically that you know you have a problem when using negatively affects your family, your job, and money. And it is just such a shame to me that Nathan is in such denial that he can’t see that all of those things have been touched by this.

I’ve even done some research on interventions, and considered calling a trained interventionist. But they say that the best time for an intervention is when the addict is starting to realize they need help, but don’t know how to ask for it. Nathan isn’t there yet, I can feel it. But I am keeping all of this information on file so that when the time comes, I’ll be prepared.

Brooke asked me what it meant that I was still willing to do these things for Nathan, and the question gave me pause. I didn’t know what to say to her, and even now, days later, all I can come up with is that I love him. Despite that he cheated on me, despite that he brought drugs into my house, I love him. I don’t know if I’ll ever get past that, particularly his trip to Vegas that seems like it started as a way to get even with me, but I still love him and I want him to recover.

The NBA ruled on his eligibility last week, issuing him a one year suspension from the game. After that, if he’s capable and clean, he’d be free to play again. Dan told me that when Nathan found out, he went straight out to the liquor store and proceeded to drink himself into a complete stupor that night. Everything is an opportunity for him to self-destruct right now.

Once I get the groceries put away, I decide to find Mere and Brooke before starting on my next task on the Brooke list. I run upstairs and check the bedrooms quietly in case Mere is sleeping, but they aren’t in the house.

I head out to the backyard, figuring Brooke is probably stringing up party lights or lanterns or something. She’s so far all out for these parties that you’d think she was constantly celebrating special events or something.

“Hey sweets!” I grin at Mere as she comes running over to me. When she throws herself at my legs, I lean down to pick her up. “Hey, baby, were you a good girl for your Auntie Brooke?”

“Yes,” she giggles when I tickle her, “We played, Mommy!”

“Oh, that’s good, baby, sounds like fun!” I laugh, kissing her cheek, “Do you need to go to the potty? Are you hungry?”

“You think I neglect her or something?” Brooke asks from behind me, “Because I don’t. I do know how to feed her and make sure she uses the big girl potty, huh, pretty girl?”

I roll my eyes to myself, turning around to respond to her. I’m surprised – and yet not, considering the ridiculously redundant amount of warnings – to see that Lola is standing there with here. I paste a smile on my face as I walk towards them.

“I’d never think that, Tigger, but this little midget would eat all day if we let her,” I tell her, turning my face towards Mere and breathing in her baby scent. “Hi Lola, how are you?” I ask politely.

“Fine, thanks. Your daughter is really adorable. Sweet, too.”

I smile at that. Admittedly, a good way to go with me is to compliment Mere. That tends to do the trick. “Well, we certainly like to think so, but there’s probably a little bias in there.”

“Where’s my boyfriend?” Brooke interrupts as she grabs a string of twinkle lights.

“He had to go back to the store.”

“You guys forgot something?” she asks, incredulous, “That list was itemized out! And why didn’t you go with him?”

I roll my eyes, shifting Mere on my hip. “Brooke, we didn’t forget anything. He’s a dumbass and took a bite of one of your apples,” I explain to her, laughing.

“Oh, he did not!” she laughs, “He is so dumb sometimes. But cute, really cute. And dumb. I don’t know which is more prominent.”

“Why don’t you call it an even split and be done with it?” Lola suggests, and I nod, agreeing that’s probably about right when it comes to Tim.

“He’s got a good heart, though,” I smile at her, “And for some crazy reason, he’s let you and your loud a – butt into it.”

“Ooh, Tutor Mommy almost said a bad word in front of my beautiful little baby girl, didn’t she?” Brooke coos at Mere, “You aren’t going to let her talk to you like that, are you?”

Mere giggles at her, holding her hands out for Brooke. “Oh, you little traitor,” I mock grumble, tickling her stomach as Brooke takes her.

“What can I say?” Brooke teases me while she grins at Mere, “I’m irresistible!”

“And full of yourself,” I huff, smiling at Lola when she laughs.

“So, how have you been, Haley?” she asks, then blushes, “I’m sorry, I know I was really nasty to you the last time – well, more than just the last time I saw you. If you think this is weird, I can totally – “

“What? No, really, it’s fine. It has been a long time since we saw each other last. I think I was pregnant with that one,” I smile, indicating Mere.

“And look how big she is, that was a long time ago.” Brooke gives me a grateful smile, although I’m not sure why. What the hell do people think I’m going to do? Throw her down and beat on her because she was legitimately angry with me?

“Yeah, she gets bigger every day,” I sigh, “I swear, she learned about forty new words when I was gone.”

“Well, the way she was reciting that book of hers earlier, I could’ve sworn she was reading,” Lola laughs, “Brooke had to tell me that she just had it memorized from hearing it so much.”

Brooke grins widely. “This one is a smart one, even if she can’t read yet. But I’m sure she will be reading soon, she always has that book in her hand.”

“Did I ever tell you how we got that book?” I ask her, smiling when she shakes her head, “It was about a month or so after Mere and I had moved to Seattle, and I’d cajoled Nathan into going to a flea market – you know how he hates anything second-hand, so you know it took a lot of work.”

Brooke laughs at that, and Lola just looks on with interest. “Yeah, I imagine he moped and bitched the whole time, right?” Brooke asks.

“Oh, yeah,” I confirm, smiling, “So, I got him there, and we walked around for almost three hours, Nathan holding her in one of those baby snugglies complaining about ‘looking like a woman’, and I couldn’t find a single piece of furniture I liked. Not for our house, not for future clients. There was just nothing. So, I made him go into the book section, figured I might find something for Lucas. And there was a box of children’s books, and they were selling the box for five bucks. Seriously, there were at least eighty books in there. Some of them were first editions that were so lovely we had to put them away.”

“Only you would talk about books like they were beautiful shoes, Haley,” Brooke says rolling her eyes.

“They were really nice books!”

“I’m sure they were,” Brooke laughs, setting Meredith down and going back to fixing the twinkle lights.

“My mom saved a bunch of books from when she was a child,” Lola chimes in, “To this day, she won’t let any of us touch them.”

“How is your mom?” I ask, causing Brooke to halt what she’s doing to give me that ‘don’t go there, idiot’ look. “Oh, God, Brooke, you two are friends, right? And I’m your friend?” She nods. “So that means if we want to hang out, we have to get past the past, right? Am I the only one who thinks that? What happened was a long time ago, and I’m hoping we’ve all grown up since then.”

“Its fine, Brooke, really,” Lola insists, “I’m not quite as bratty as I was three years ago. You know that, and you know why. And my mom is doing really well, thanks. She’d be happy for you about your daughter.”

I raise an eyebrow at the comment about her not being as bratty and Brooke knowing why, but don’t ask. I know what my business is, and most things pertaining to Lola aren’t.

“Yeah, okay,” Brooke agrees, “I just don’t want any fighting. Today is supposed to be fun! And Haley, you get to meet all the new neighbors and see Tim’s family again and just get reacquainted with living in Tree Hill again.”

I nod. “Yeah, I know, and thanks for that. It’s nice of you to do this, even though it’s mostly because you love to have a good party. And you really love to piss Tim off.”

“And she’s good at that last one, that’s for sure,” Lola grins.

“Is this going to be some weird thing where you guys pick on me?” Brooke pouts.

I lean down to pick Mere up. “It could be,” I grin, “But unfortunately, it can’t be right now. This little one is going to be spending the afternoon with Uncle Lukie at the park. I’m going to go see Deb for a little while.”

“How’s she doing?” Brooke asks quietly.

I shake my head. “She’s taking it pretty hard. I think she’s mad at me for not staying there, but…I can’t please everyone, right?”

Brooke drops the lights, throwing her arms around Mere and me. “No, you can’t, and you shouldn’t even try. And you know you did what you had to do. Besides, Deb’s cool, and if she knew the whole story, she’d understand.”

I roll my eyes at her lecturing tone. “Well, when you’re right, you are really right. But that doesn’t mean that’s a conversation I’m going to have with his mother, alright? Like she wants to hear from his ex-girlfriend that he’s wasted constantly and sleeping around. Dan can fill in the details when he thinks she can hear them.”

“Um, you know what?” Lola interrupts, shifting uncomfortably, “I’m going to go find those lanterns you bought, Brooke.”

“You don’t have to,” I assure her, “I’m sure you’ve seen the news. It’s as big of a story here as it was in Seattle.”

“I – it’s none of my business.”

I have to laugh at that, surprised that it is fairly free of bitterness. “If you see that bastard sports guy from channel six, would you mind telling him that?”

Brooke grins and Lola laughs tentatively. “Yeah, he’s a real wanker, isn’t he?”

“He kind of sucks, yeah,” I agree, kissing Brooke on the cheek. “Thanks, you know, for everything. Watching Mere, letting me whine for a minute. I’ll be back to help in a few hours, okay?”

“You’ve helped enough,” she tells me, waving me off, “You definitely don’t have to come back here before it’s time for the party to start!”

“No, I want to,” I argue, “Luke will have Mere up until then, and seeing Deb won’t take all that long, so I’d like to come back over here and hang out with you guys. Beats sitting around Luke’s bachelor pad by myself drinking his cheap beer. He could at least spring for some cheap vodka, right?”

Brooke rolls her eyes at me. “Like you’ve ever sat around drinking by yourself.”

I shrug. “You’re right, I haven’t, and well, now wouldn’t be a time I’d start, I’ll tell you that. But you know what I mean. Living in a boy’s house is yucky, huh, Mere?”

“No, yucky!” she tells me, leaning her forehead against mine.

“Oh, she’s sleepy. Uncle Luke is going to have fun today.” I smile at Brooke and Lola. “Okay, we’d better go. Luke gets crabby when people run late.”

Brooke groans. “Ugh, he used to yell at me all the time for that. You’d think he’d adapt or something. No wonder we got divorced.”

“We’re really leaving now,” I tell them, giving a wave. Tim runs out the door. “Hi again, Tim, bye again.”

“Bye James, bye-bye princess.”

“I get the last name treatment and she gets called ‘princess’. Tell me how that works again?” I grumble as I walk past him, all of them calling bye to Mere.

~*~

I haven’t seen much of Deb since I’ve been back here. I don’t know if that’s really a conscious thing or not. It isn’t that I don’t want to see her, but I definitely don’t want to get into what happened in Las Vegas. It’s selfish, but I don’t want to break down again. And talking about is all causes me to break down.

I get to her house, and I almost leave. It’s just another place that has too many memories of Nathan. Maybe that is why it is easier to stay at Luke’s than at Karen’s or with Brooke and Tim. He’s never been to Luke’s, and there are no memories associated with it.

But here, there are tons. Almost as many as the café and the Rivercourt and the gym at the high school. We made out here, we hung out with our friends here, we studied here, and he comforted me when my parents ignored me here. So much of our lives were spent in those walls and in this yard that it is impossible to think I can go in there and think of anything but him.

I haven’t cried in a few days, which is a very vast improvement over how it was when I first got back here from Vegas. I was a sobbing wreck the whole time. I nearly burst into tears when I saw Mere, burst into tears when I saw Karen and Keith and Eric, and then when Luke got back a couple days later, I burst into tears again.

And now, being here, I feel like crying again. Deb must see me standing here, because the door opens and she rushes over to where I’m standing with a look of concern on her face.

“Haley? Honey, are you okay?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know, I didn’t think it’d be so hard to be here,” I choke out, “Nathan and I spent so much time here, and it just reminds me of everything that I lost.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, we can go somewhere else, the café maybe?” she suggests.

“No, it’s fine. I have to learn to deal with this, right?”

“Dan told me what happened, the things that Nathan has done,” she confides as she ushers me into the house, “I hope that you don’t mind.”

I smile slightly at that. “I’m glad he did, actually. That means that I don’t have to say it again myself.”

She wraps an arm around my shoulder. “I just – you know, I don’t know what to say. What can I say, right? It’s common knowledge I cheated on Dan. And that wasn’t even under the duress of drugs or alcohol.”

“Deb, really – “ I try to interrupt, but she just keeps going.

“So I have no leg to stand on if I wanted to condemn him, which a part of me does, but the other part of me just wants to hold him and tell him it will be okay.” She shakes her head. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t want to hear this.”

“It’s okay,” I shrug, “I have to deal with it, right? I can’t ignore it and I can’t pretend like it didn’t happen.”

“No, of course not,” she sighs, “It sounds like he was pretty horrible to you in terms of what he was saying, also.”

“He told me he hates me,” I relay, “That he never wanted to see me again. That he’d take Meredith away from me like I did to him.”

She gasps at that. “Dan didn’t say that.”

“Nathan isn’t himself, I know that. But when he says those things, it just – it feels like a part of me dies or something. I tried to stay there with him because I know – I know he’s going to need someone, but I couldn’t. It just, all of it, it hurts too much. Even now, I think about it all the time unless I’m preoccupied by someone or something.”

She wraps her arms around me as I dissolve into tears. “Have you figured out how long you’re going to stay here?” she asks.

“Indefinitely. I’m thinking of looking for an apartment for Mere and I, maybe a house even. We can’t live with Luke forever, and even if we could, I need to get back on my feet. I need a job, I need to be independent again.”

“You always have a job at the cafés, Haley. Always,” she offers.

I smile at her. “Thanks, I wouldn’t mind working there for awhile, but I’d really like to put my degree to better use. Three years out of school and I’ve just been working part time. It would be nice to open my own firm.” I sigh, shaking my head. “Of course, you have to have capital and a name or track record to do something like that.”

“Well, you have the money,” she points out.

I shrug. “I can’t live off of Nathan, Deb. And his money, it was never about that for me. It was a nice perk, yeah, I won’t lie, being comfortable is a really good feeling, but it was never the big thing with us.”

“Oh, Haley, I know that. Of course I know that.”

“I just feel like if I breakaway from him this far, then it makes it real. Final, or official. And I’m not – no, I just can’t do that yet.”

She lays a hand on my shoulder. “You don’t have to make any decisions right away.” I nod in agreement. “But if nothing else, I think it would be good for you to start working, and you’re right. You should put that degree to good use. There are firms in Durham that you could apply with, right?”

“Yeah, there are, but that would be too far away from Mere for me. I want to stick to Tree Hill, at least for the time being. She’s still adjusting to being here, and I don’t want to toss her in daycare if I don’t have to.”

“You know, Karen and I are part of the small business owners’ alliance for the greater Durham area. We have a meeting next week. Maybe there would be people interested in hiring you as an independent decorator,” she suggests, “I’d be happy to ask around.”

“I would greatly appreciate that,” I smile, hugging her, “It would be really nice to do something I’m good at for a change.”

“You’re good at many things, Haley James. I’ve known that for a very long time now.” She smiles at me. “Like being a mother. You’re really wonderful with Meredith. It makes me wish I’d been better with Nathan when he was that age. Maybe if I hadn’t been so uncomfortable with him when he was a baby, we’d be closer now.”

“You were eighteen, Deb. You did the best you knew how,” I assure her.

“Well, there were a lot of things I could’ve done better,” she laughs ruefully, “But thank you for not pointing all of them out right now.”

“He loves you, Deb. I know he does, even when he doesn’t want to say it or make a show of it. It’s just not in his nature to be outwardly affectionate.”

“Except with you,” she smiles.

“And Mere,” I add, smiling. “He’s so great with her, they have so much fun together. But really, that’s it. He’s the stoic type.”

“Have you talked to Dan lately?” she asks, “How’s Nathan doing?”

“Three times yesterday and once today,” I sigh, “And nothing has changed. It sounds like he’s still lashing out at Dan, and he’s using just as much as ever. He’s still refusing to talk to me, so at least he’s consistent.”

“Oh, honey, I wish things were progressing better for you. For him.”

“Yeah, me, too,” I agree, “But it seems like he’s going to have to hit bottom before he’ll get any help, unfortunately.”

“That’s what Dan thinks, too. He’s considering coming back to Tree Hill, too,” she tells me, which is actually a surprise, “I don’t think he wants to, but he seems to think that there is nothing he can do for Nathan right now. And maybe he’s right.”

I look away, not sure if I agree. It seems like it is true – what else can anyone do at this point? He wouldn’t listen to my pleas, he won’t listen to Dan’s reasoning, he didn’t even react when we played the Meredith card. And with someone there to baby-sit him, he’ll never realize how much this has cost him.

At the same time, though, it scares me half to death thinking of him in some seedy motel just drinking and doing drugs. What if he overdoses? What if someone pulls a gun on him? There are a thousand different scenarios about this that worry me.

And I can’t stop any of them because I’m here and he’s there. And I really can’t be around him now, I can’t take sitting around and letting him attempt to destroy every single thing that is between us, every single thing that we’ve ever shared.

“The idea of him being alone scares me,” I admit, “But what else can we do? No one can put their life on hold waiting for him to crash and burn, I know that. It’s still hard to think of what he’ll do alone.”

“It can’t be any worse than what he’s already done,” she mutters, looking stricken when she realizes all that implies, “God, I’m sorry, I can’t believe I stuck my foot in my mouth like that.”

“It’s okay, Deb, really. Believe me, I’m well aware of what he’s done, implied or witnessed. But I’m just afraid he’s going to hurt himself or someone else. He doesn’t care, not even a little bit.”

“Has he called for Meredith yet?”

This is the hardest part for me. Continually having to think up excuses when she asks me where Nathan is. “No, he hasn’t. You know, it’s weird maybe, but that’s the part that scares me the most. She has been his number one priority from they day she was born. I really believed that there was nothing he wouldn’t do for her. And now, he is so strung out on drugs that he can’t even call her.”

“If I thought it would do any good, I’d call and give him a piece of my mind about that,” she sighs, “Ignoring that he has her to think of.”

“It’s really hard,” I admit, “Trying to come up with what I’m supposed to say to her. Because I don’t know. I don’t know what to tell her about all this. Obviously, she wouldn’t understand the truth, but I don’t even know what to tell her about why he isn’t here!”

“Oh, honey, I don’t know what to tell you on that one. What have you been telling her so far?” she asks, concern evident on her face.

“That he’s on a trip, or that he’s just not here. I mean, I know she wouldn’t understand more than that, but she does know that he’s gone, and he usually isn’t gone this long.” I shake my head. “I just hate that this affects her so badly, too. She shouldn’t suffer because Nathan and I couldn’t keep things together.”

“Don’t blame yourself, Haley. Nathan, as much as it pains me to say it, has made his bed here. Addiction might be a disease, but he’s made the choices that go along with it, and all of those choices have been poor.”

I sigh, looking away. I agree with her, on some level, but at the same time, it’s hard for me to absolve myself in all this because I know I could’ve done better, I could’ve seen more. I could’ve known what was going on with him sooner, but I didn’t. I failed him, I failed us. And I failed Mere, and that’s the worst feeling.

“I didn’t ask you over here to drag you down, Haley,” she smiles, patting my hand, “I just wanted to see how you were doing, if there was anything you needed. If you don’t want to stay with Luke forever and you don’t want to go out on your own just yet, you know you two are always welcome here. God knows this house is big enough, and it would be nice to have some company.”

“Oh, Deb,” I smile, “That is the nicest offer. But I don’t know, I really think finding a small house or apartment is best for me and Mere now. Something that doesn’t hold thousands of memories, you know?”

Her face falls, and I feel awful. But living with Nathan’s mother, in Nathan’s old house, is not high on my list of good ways to deal with all this. “I understand,” she agrees, “If you need help looking, let me know.”

I nod. “Thanks. So, that offer to work at one of the cafés still stand? It would be nice to have something to do while we’re settling in,” I smile, “And I’m trying to find a job. Or make a career, whatever.”

“You’ll find it, Haley, you’ll find that thing that just makes you so happy. And in the meantime, you can work at the café for as long as you’d like. Those doors are always open for you.”

“Thanks, Deb, that does mean a lot to me.”

“You know that I consider you family, that I have for a very long time now, right?” I nod. “Okay, good. Because you really have become like a daughter to me, and I just want what is best for you and Meredith. And I’m really glad you came home.”

“Even though it meant leaving Nathan?” I ask, dreading her answer.

“Haley, it was for the best. And soon, Dan is going to come to that realization, too. You really can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped no matter how much you wish you did. And that’s not what you want to hear, I know, and I wish I had something different to tell you. But it is the truth.”

“Yeah, I know,” I sigh, “Doesn’t make it much easier, though.”

“Well, I’m glad you and Meredith will be staying here. I know Seattle is your home now, but I’d worry so much if you were there now.”

“Seattle was our home because Nathan was there,” I explain, “But he’s not there, and even if he were, with things the way they are, we couldn’t be. And Tree Hill is home, too, because so many of you that I love are here.”

“And we’re glad we finally get you back,” she smiles, “Now, don’t you have Brooke’s party to go to?”

“Yeah, I told her I’d help set up,” I shrug, “But she said I didn’t have to. Are you going to stop by? She said she wanted you to come.”

“Actually, no,” she laughs, actually looking happy, “I have a date tonight. With a nice man I met at a charity fundraiser last month. He called me last week and invited me out.”

“Deb! That’s – well, that’s a good thing, right?” I exclaim, happy for her. I know that since she and Dan finally called it quits, she has mostly kept to herself. “Does Karen know? She’ll be thrilled for you!”

“She doesn’t know yet,” she smiles, “And it isn’t like we’re getting married tomorrow or anything. It’s just a date. One date, and we’ll see how it goes.”

“It’s good, though, this family could use some happiness,” I smile, genuinely delighted for her. She might be right, and nothing may come of it, but at least she’s back out there.

“Yes, it could,” she agrees, “And that’s why it is really nice to have you and Mere back in Tree Hill.”

“We’re glad to be back,” I smile, “Even if the circumstances suck. Or maybe, especially because the circumstances suck.”

“They certainly leave something to be desired, don’t they?” she sighs, “But you know what? You have a party to go to with your friends, and I have a date, and I don’t think either of us needs to dwell on that right now. Go and have fun with your friends and daughter, Haley. You need it.”

She gives me another hug, ushering me to the door. “Are you trying to get rid of me?” I laugh.

“No, no, it’s just that I haven’t gotten ready for a date since I was eighteen, and I’m not sure I remember exactly what to do,” she confesses, “And here I am, a grandmother of all things, getting ready to go out on another date. It’s sort of pathetic.”

“Deb, it’s going to be fine! I can stay, if you’d like, and help you get ready,” I offer. It has to be better than whatever manual labor Brooke has in store for me.

“No, Haley, you go spend time with your friends. It’ll be good for you to do that, and you know what? I think I might just need a few minutes alone, anyway. To reflect on everything. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but this is a big step for me.”

“You’ll be great, Deb,” I tell her, meaning it, “And if this guy has even half a clue rattling around, then he’s going to know how great you are, too.”

“Thanks, honey. Well, okay, I will see you soon, right? And you just let me or Karen know when you’re ready to start working, and we’ll figure something out.”

“Thank you, for everything.” I give her another hug and walk out the door, ready to go back to Brooke’s. Luke might be there with Mere by now, so that is just icing on the cake in terms of getting there.

~*~

Luke’s car is indeed parked on the street in front of Brooke and Tim’s place, which thrills me to no end. I’d stopped back by Luke’s place and grabbed the bottles of champagne I’d saved from Nathan’s hotel room. Tonight seems as good of a night as any to break them out, especially now that Tim and Brooke have decided to start dating. Once the party winds down and Mere is in bed, maybe we can bust them out.

I find Brooke and Lucas in the kitchen without Mere, who is apparently worn out and crabby after her afternoon with Luke and is now ‘sleeping it off’, in Brooke’s words.

“My baby is sleeping off her crankiness? That’s a new one,” I chuckle, giving Luke a hug. “Thanks for taking her out today, you know she loves her Uncle Lukie.”

“I can’t believe you have her calling me that,” he pouts, “There was this big, burly guy working at the ice cream stand, and she informed him my name was ‘Lukie’. And then he laughed like it was the funniest thing ever, and she had a confused look on her face for two seconds and then she laughed, too. A two year old was laughing at me.”

Brooke and I both laugh at that. “You’re such a wimp, Scott,” she chides him, “It isn’t like the guy took you out back and kicked your ass because she stole candy. He just laughed at you.”

“It wasn’t him! It was her, I got laughed at by a two year old. Why am I the only one who thinks this sucks just a little bit?”

“Because you’re a drama queen, Luke,” I tell him, causing Brooke to break into another peel of laughter, “You should just be glad that she refers to you affectionately.”

“Seriously,” Brooke agrees, “You’re just a big ingrate.”

“Whatever,” he mutters, “Where’s Tim? I think he probably could use some help.”

“Oh, no, I doubt it,” Brooke smirks, “Lola’s helping him. But if you want to go commiserate, fine, just send her in here so she doesn’t have to listen to what babies you two are.”

“Who the hell is Lola?” Luke asks, confused.

“You really live in your own little Luke-world, don’t you?” I ask, laughing.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he grumbles.

“That means that Lola is Tim’s cousin, who we have talked about in front of you several times. Jesus, Luke, you met her before Haley was supposed to marry Jason, remember?”

“Oh,” he shrugs, “I guess. Maybe I’ll recognize her when I see her.”

Brooke and I roll our eyes at each other. “He’s going to be hitting on her before any of the guests arrive, you know.”

“Yeah,” I laugh, “I know. She’s smarter than that, right? I mean, you know I love Luke dearly, he’s my brother, but come on, he doesn’t know who he is or what he wants, and I don’t think that’s a good combination for whatever poor girl he latches onto next.”

“How come you didn’t warn me?” she whines.

“Oh, please, I warned both of you, but neither wanted to listen. And I wasn’t about to get in the middle of that mess.”

“Yeah, whatever,” she laughs, “So, I think everything is about ready for tonight. Tim and Lola are really just playing video games. Tim got mad because I wouldn’t, so she jumped in to diffuse the tension. We would’ve just ended up making out, but that can wait until later.”

“Oh, I almost forgot, I brought a present with me. It’s in the car, though.”

Her eyes glow at the mention of a present. “Ooh, let’s go get it! Now! I love presents, you know I love presents, so let’s see what it is!”

“God, you’re worse than Mere. Speaking of, I should go check on her, make sure she’s still sleeping and not freaking out,” I tell her, half to torture her by making her wait to see what I brought, half because I don’t want Mere freaking out because she doesn’t know where she is.

“She’s fine, Haley, she napped here twice while you were gone. We put a baby gate at the top of the stairs with a table in front of it, and both times she just stood there and called for us to come get here.” She taps her fingers impatiently on the table. “Now, come on, let’s go see what you brought!”

I roll my eyes, but don’t protest when she grabs onto my arm and drags me outside with her. She didn’t think to check, so she’s lucky the keys are in my pocket.

“It really isn’t anything that special,” I shrug when she starts jiggling around, growing even more impatient as I pull the keys out.

“It doesn’t matter, it’s still exciting to get something!”

“You really are just a big child, Tigger,” I laugh, reaching into the backseat and pulling out the boxes I’d stored the champagne. “We should wait until after the party to open those. They’re kind of for you and Tim both.”

“What!” she exclaims, “You can’t do that! No, no way! I won’t stand for that, you cannot tease me by mentioning presents and then making me wait. That is just. No. No way.”

“Gah, fine,” I concede, as she starts to open one of the boxes, “Can you at least wait until we get back in the house?”

She pouts, but does not in agreement. “Fine, fine. Does this mean we also have to wait until Tim is done with his game? Because that kind of sucks.”

“Go flirt with him until he agrees to do your bidding,” I suggest as we walk towards the house, “You can do it, I’m sure.”

“Oh, we all know I can,” she mutters haughtily, “Hello, I’m a genius at that kind of thing.”

“Then work your magic, Tigger,” I laugh, stopping short when I see Lola coming down the stairs with Mere in her arms. And it bothers me for a second. Not long, but a second. Then I just feel bad, because there is no reason for me to be bothered.

“Oh, Haley, I’m sorry. It’s just, Tim and Luke sent me off to find you guys, and then you weren’t in the house and she was calling for you – “

“It’s fine,” I interrupt, greedily taking Mere from her when they get to the bottom of the stairs, “Actually, I owe you a thank you. So, thank you for grabbing her.” I smile at her before turning my attention to Mere. “Hey sweets, did you have fun with Uncle Lukie today?”

“I told you not to call me that anymore,” he groans, flicking my ear as he walks by, winking at Mere.

”Uncle Lukie!” she laughs, waving at him. I throw him a superior glance and give her a kiss on the cheek.

“Mommy knows best, Lukie,” I mock.

“You guys are all freaks,” Tim mutters as Brooke drags him into the foyer, “Now what the hell is this Brooke is yammering about some present?”

“Haley brought something for us!” Brooke grins, “And it’s heavy and liquid. And you know what that means!”

“Brooke, if you knew what it was, why are you in such a hurry to open it?” I ask, miffed.

“Because I don’t know the specifics,” she laughs, “And I really, really want to know what exactly it is.”

“Yeah, don’t keep us in suspense,” Tim grins, “Come on, let’s move into the living room and sit down.” He stops in front of me. “Come here, Meredith, come see Uncle Timmy.”

She lets him hold her for a minute, but then turns back around, holding her arms out to me. “Post-nap mommy time,” I explain, not complaining at all.

We go into the living room, and Brooke pulls the bottles of champagne out of the boxes. “Oh, wow, Hales, this must’ve cost you a fortune,” she breathes.

I shake my head uncomfortably. “It’s a gift,” I remind her, “You aren’t supposed to think of things like that.”

“Oh, it’s so sweet,” Brooke smiles, “I can’t believe you’d get this for us! But I mean, really, you didn’t have to, Haley!”

“Brooke, stop, I wanted you guys to have this, and it really isn’t a big deal.”

Luke picks up a bottle, raising an eyebrow as he takes in the label. “Haley, not a big deal? Doesn’t this stuff go for a few grand usually?”

“I wouldn’t know, Luke,” I mumble.

“What? How could you not know?” Tim laughs, “Did you knock off a liquor store or something?”

“It was Nathan’s, okay?” I burst out, “It was something that Nathan had in his room, and I was going to pour it down the sink, but then I thought you two, and I hid it in my suitcase. Is that okay, or do you have any other questions to ask?”

Meredith stills in my arms, picking up on my anxiety, Lola looks supremely uncomfortable, Tim and Luke both look embarrassed and pained, and Brooke looks like she feels awful. Just as she’s opening her mouth, the doorbell rings, signaling the beginning of the party.

“I’m going to take Mere upstairs for a minute,” I tell them, walking out of the room. I take Mere into my old room, which is where they’ve been having her nap the times she stayed here. I haven’t had a chance or reason to come up here since I’ve been back, but the instant I step in here, I feel awful about my outburst and ditching them.

There are a lot of things of mine still in this room. The quilt on the bed is mine, the tables on either side of it are also mine. The posters of some old rock bands are definitely mine, too, as are the yellow curtains covering the window shades. It’s like a step back in time. This room is a relic of my past, but also, with toys for Mere and the playpen and the stuffed animals, it is the present, too.

The door opens behind us, and I turn to find Brooke standing there.

“I’m sorry,” I convey immediately, needing her to know that my blow-up wasn’t a reflection of them, just a reflection of me and my struggles.

She nods. “It’s okay. We’re sorry, too.”

I nod back at her. I knew they would be. “You guys didn’t do or say anything wrong. I was just acting out, you know? Mommy was being loud, huh, Mere?” She doesn’t say anything, just rubs her cheek against mine. “I guess she forgives me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” Brooke promises me, “We were being insensitive and pushy, and we all really are sorry.”

“Well, really, don’t worry about it,” I sigh, looking around the room. “You guys left some of my stuff up.”

She shrugs. “It was your room, and I know you told us to toss whatever you left, but it didn’t seem right.”

“I can’t believe I had some of these things,” I laugh, pointing to the posters after I set Mere down, “And that quilt. I can’t believe I left that here. It was one of the few things my mom ever made for me.”

“You can take it now,” she says, lying down on the bed.

“Shouldn’t you be down there greeting the guests?” I ask, lying down next to her.

“Nah, I’d much rather be up here hanging out with you,” she assures me.

“Well, what if Mere and I went down with you?” I suggest.

“We can stay here longer, if you want. I don’t mind, Haley. We can just hang out and talk for awhile.”

“You mean talk about Nathan?” I sigh, “I don’t know if I want to yet. It’s too fresh, too raw, and it isn’t like any progress has been made on that front, you know?”

“We don’t have to,” she agrees quickly, “I mean, when you’re ready we can, but I won’t push it.”

I smile slightly at her, focusing on the ceiling. “I wish he’d call me. Isn’t that weird? Everything is so screwed up, he cheated on me, he’s using drugs, but I still wish he’d just call and let me know he’s alive.”

“You love him, Haley. You’ve loved him your entire adult life. We both know that isn’t going to go away, no matter what he or you do.”

“I wish it would,” I admit tearfully, “Because it is so hard, so incredibly painful to live the way I am now.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, hon,” she sighs.

I sit up, scooting up so I am leaning back against the headboard. Mere notices and comes running over, climbing up to sit on my lap. “Hi Mere.” I smile at her. “I just don’t know how to move on, Brooke. This isn’t like when he left for college. There’s so much more involved, there’s her,” I nod to Mere, “We share a checking account, he put the house and cars in both our names, everything is shared between us. There are so many things to break apart if I want to move on, and you know what? Maybe I don’t.”

“Well, maybe you have to,” she sighs, also moving to sit up, “I mean, I’m not telling you what to do, Tutor Mommy, but maybe the sooner you do those things, the better.”

“If I do those things, I’m cutting my ties to him.”

“I know,” she nods, looking grim.

“Then the only thing that would be left between us would be Mere, and I’m not sure I can handle doing that yet.”

“You can handle it,” she shrugs, “It’s just a matter of whether or not you’re willing. And ready. Do it when you’re ready.”

We fall silent for a minute. “I’m going to have to go back to Seattle,” I tell her, “All of my stuff and Mere’s stuff is there. Our clothes and everything. I can’t afford to buy us all new clothes, especially if I’ll be working at the café for now.”

“You’re brave, Haley,” she tells me, “I really admire that you can do this.”

“I’m not brave, I’m scared to death, and I’m questioning every single decision I make.”

“It’s a hell of a lot harder to leave than it is to stay, and we both know you were right to leave. And you’re right now to take the steps to separate from him entirely, no matter how much it hurts.”

“I feel like I’m turning my back on him,” I sigh, playing with Meredith’s hair as she plays with dolls that I don’t recognize. Someone here must’ve bought them for her. “And how am I going to afford all this? I mean, some of the money is mine, but come on, most of it is obviously his.”

“Well, there’s one genius thing about working at the café – you’ll be able to take Mere with you. Karen and Deb wouldn’t mind. And if you didn’t want to do that, there are always people around who’d take care of her.”

I nod. “I know that, I do. But come on, I can’t live with Luke forever, right? But moving out costs money.”

“You could always just take it or borrow it from Nathan.”

“That’s not cutting ties, Brooke,” I point out, “That’s just creating another one. And right now, ties are what I can’t have between us.”

She lays her head on my shoulder. “I wish this all didn’t suck so hard, Hales. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my mind around it all.”

“You? Try being me,” I manage to laugh, “I thought – it wasn’t perfect, Brooke, but it was good. I know it was, I’m not just making that up. It was good, and all this still happened.”

“He’s going to get help eventually,” she assures me, “And maybe then…”

“Maybe then what? It’ll be okay? I can just forget what happened, what he said, what he’s done? I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I want to do that.”

”You don’t have to do anything, and you definitely don’t have to make decisions about it now,” she assures me.

“He threatened to get custody of her,” I tell her, not having revealed that part to anyone besides Luke and Dan, “If I go through with those other things, then I’m going to have to file for full custody of her and ask that he get supervised visitations at most.”

“Oh, Haley,” she sighs, “I’m so sorry, why didn’t you tell me that sooner?”

“I didn’t know how, I guess. It was too hard.”

She’s about to respond when there’s a knock at the door. She mouths an apology at me as I brush away any remnants of tears still resting on my cheeks. “Come on in,” she calls when I’m done.

It’s Lola, looking nervous and apologetic as she pushes the door open. “I’m so sorry, you guys, but Tim needs you, Brooke. I don’t know what it is about men and kitchens, but he can’t find anything in there, and it is starting to get ugly.”

“What?” she snaps, “What can’t he find?”

“Napkins, ice, the bottle opener, and lemons.”

“He can’t find ice?” Brooke shrieks, “Where the fuck does he thinks I’d put ice?”

“Hey, kid ears,” I remind her, pointing at Mere who is watching her in open-mouthed fascination, “Watch the language.”

“Ugh, well, I have to go make sure he’s not burning down the house,” she huffs as she leaves the room, “Ice, where else would ice be besides the freezer or the coolers. I swear, what a moron.”

Lola gives me another apologetic smile. “Sorry to interrupt, but he’s pretty hapless down there, and Brooke, she, um, seems to like things not destroyed.”

She turns to leave. “You don’t have to go, really,” I assure her.

She shrugs. “I don’t want to interrupt longer than I already have.”

I laugh. “Well, Mere is good company, but she’s enthralled with those dolls. If you want to hang out for a few, that’d be nice. I’m not ready to go be social yet.”

“If you’re sure, yeah, I can do that,” she smiles, still tentative.

“Do you think I’m going to bite your head off?” I ask, curious why she’s so willing to tiptoe around me.

She laughs at that. “No, not at all. Not that I wouldn’t deserve, but you definitely have never struck me as the petty revenge type.”

“Then why are you so nervous around me? Am I giving off a bad vibe? I’m sorry if I am, things have just been crazy.”

“No, I’m just – this is probably stupid and immature, but I really don’t know how to act around you or what to say, you know?” She shakes her head. “And call me crazy, but I didn’t get the impression you appreciated me bringing Meredith downstairs earlier.”

I scrunch my nose up, embarrassed she noticed. “You saw that, huh?” She nods. “That’s more just me than anything to do with you. I left her here for a week, and I just – ever since I’ve been back, sharing her has been hard.”

“I totally understand, I didn’t mean to step on your toes.”

“That’s the thing, you really didn’t. I mean, who would leave a child standing at the top of some stairs calling for her mom, right? Well, except for males too enthralled in their video games to pay attention,” I shrug, “I meant it when I said I appreciate it.”

“Well, it was nothing, but you’re welcome.” She grins when Meredith hands her a doll. “Thanks, kiddo. So, maybe we can be friends then? I’m not saying you have to be my best friend, but I’d like to try.”

“Yeah, me too,” I agree, “So, we should probably join the party, then. Come on, Mere, you want to go downstairs and see what everyone is doing.”

She nods, and I set her down on the floor. She glares at me before looking over at Lola. “Up?” she asks her, arms outstretched.

Lola glances at me, obviously waiting for permission. “It’s your back,” I tell her, laughing, “That pout works wonders on people who don’t see her very often, doesn’t it, sweets?”

“It is a hard face to resist,” Lola laughs, “It makes me want to give her things she shouldn’t have.”

I smile wistfully, “That pout always works wonders on Nathan. And she knew it, too. Bedtimes were forgotten, candy was given, anything when she looked at him like that.” Sighing, I shake my head. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be a total downer.”

“It is okay, Haley,” she assures me, “If we’re going to be friends, we can talk, right?”

“Thanks,” I smile, “I’ll keep that in mind. But for now, maybe we should head downstairs and make sure Brooke hasn’t maimed Tim yet.”

“That’s a very real possibility,” she laughs, bouncing Meredith on her hip as we walk out of the room, “Tim could try the patient of a saint.”

“And Brooke’s no saint,” I laugh.

“No, thank God, she wouldn’t be half as much fun if she were!”

We walk downstairs and out onto the back deck where most of the party is. Things are pretty much in full swing, and I’m sort of shocked by how many of these people I actually know. Brooke can still manage to bring people out of the woodwork, I guess. I leave Mere with Lola and wander off in search of Luke or Brooke or Tim as I greet the people I know. Some of them obviously know that I ended up with Nathan because I get a lot of curious slash pitying looks, which freaks me out.

“So, this sucks,” I say, walking up behind Brooke.

“Well, shit, Haley, I know it isn’t a hoity toity party at some five star hotel like you’ve gotten used to, but this is a damn fine rager!” she enthuses.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” I assure her, “It’s just that I’m getting the ‘you’re with Nathan Scott that guy who got kicked off his pro basketball team sucks to be you’ look. And the look? Makes me think it sucks to be me.”

“Honey, in some ways, it does suck to be you right now,” she points out, “But you also have the sweetest baby I’ve ever known, some of the coolest friends I know, and a really awesome family, too. So it isn’t all bad, right?”

“No, of course it isn’t,” I smile, although I’m not quite sure I mean the smile, “And I really appreciate what I do have. Even more now, after what’s going on with Nathan, you know?”

She nods. “You know what we were talking about earlier? Cutting the ties? When you’re ready or if you need help, just let me know, and I’m on a plane to Seattle with you or going to the court or whatever it is that you need to do.”

“You’re the best, Tigger,” I smile, hugging her.

“Where’s Mere?”

“With Lola,” I tell her, “Did you think I ditched her?”

She laughs, “No, of course not. I just figured you’d be watching her like a hawk at a party like this. Plus, you’ve been overprotective.”

“I know,” I surprise her by agreeing, “I realized that when I was upset that Lola brought her downstairs. How irrational is that?”

“Pretty bad,” she smiles, wrapping an arm around my shoulder, “But you know, we all understand. Things aren’t easy right now, and it makes sense you’d want to cling to the person closest to Nathan.”

“That was deep, Tigger,” I say dryly, “But anyway, let’s just have some fun, okay?”

The weird thing is, I do have fun. I let Mere stay up late enough to watch the fireworks because her nap was later than usual, and she and I have fun sitting together watching them. It serves to remind me of last year, sitting out on the dock watching the various bursts of light across the lake, but it’s okay to have good memories.

After everyone is gone and Mere is tucked in bed, Brooke breaks out the Dom. “So, since Tutor Mama brought this for us, I think that means she gets to toast us, right?”

“Definitely,” Luke grins, winking at me.

“You asked for it,” I shrug, moving to stand next to Lola so I have a better view of Tim and Brooke. “Okay, I feel like I’m talking a funeral or something. Anyway, I just want to say that there are no two people that I could possibly be happier for over their hook-up. I didn’t see it coming, but now that it has happened, I wonder how I could’ve missed it. You guys are so great, individually and collectively. And I’m just really proud to be your friend. And I call maid of honor duties at your wedding! No pressure, Smith.”

“Thanks, James,” he growls, flustered.

“My turn,” Luke jumps in, “So, I have to admit, when I first moved back here, I never in a thousand years would’ve guessed that we’d all end up here like this. But for you two, this is a really good place, and I’m really happy for both of you. You’ve got a great girl there, Tim, but you know that already.”

“Yeah, I do,” he agrees, wrapping his arms around Brooke.

“Oh, y’all are so sweet it makes me a little sick,” Lola asks, “But seriously, Brooke, thanks for taking Timmy here off the family’s hands. We were becoming convinced he was either deformed or gay.”

“Hey!” Tim exclaims, “I am not!”

“I can vouch for that. Definitely not gay, and definitely not deformed. Unless you consider being extra bi – “

“Brooke!” all four of us exclaim at once.

“What? We’re all friends here, we can’t talk about that?”

“No!” Luke exclaims, “No one wants to hear about that!”

“God, he’s my cousin, thanks, but no thanks,” Lola grimaces, “That is just wrong to even hear about, thank you.”

“I don’t need to know any more about Tim’s private parts than I already do,” I agree, “And in fact, when you get the brain bleach in, we can scrub off the parts I do know.”

”They’re just jealous,” Brooke shrugs. “So, can we say ‘cheers’ and see if this tastes as good as it is supposed to?”

We comply and finish the toast, each of us eager to taste the champagne. “Um, it’s nice, I think,” Tim shrugs.

“Yeah, it’s good,” Lola agrees.

Luke nods, too. “Yeah, tastes like a few grand, right?”

I laugh. “I could never taste the difference either.”

“Oh, thank God,” Tim groans, “I mean, it’s good, but I don’t know why anyone would pay so much for it!”

“Come on, Hales, let’s get my gorgeous little niece. I’ll let you drive me home.”

I shake my head. “Your gorgeous little niece and I are crashing here tonight. I don’t want to wake her up. But you can feel free to take my car, if you want. It is nicer than yours,” I tease.

“Yeah, make fun, it isn’t your dad who likes his daughter-in-law better than his own son.”

“Hey, I’m not the daughter-in-law, but what can I say? The man has good taste. He just knows you too well,” I goad him, squealing when he puts me in a headlock.

“Can I toss her scrawny ass outside for the night?” he grumbles.

“No, leave her alone,” Brooke commands, “She’s my guest, and I won’t tolerate roughhousing, unless it is me and Tim.”

“Oh, okay, I’m out of here now,” Luke groans, glancing at Lola, “Need a ride?”

“Um, yeah, actually, that would be really great,” she smiles, “Thanks. And thanks Brooke, for the awesome party.”

“Isn’t anyone going to thank me?” Tim asks, before Brooke can respond.

“No, they aren’t,” she tells him, elbowing him in the stomach, “And that’s because you only helped with the easy parts. Everyone knows I’m the party planner around here.”

“I’m going to bed,” I announce, “I’d rather let my daughter hog the covers than listen to another Tigger tirade. No offense, Tigger, I love you dearly.”

“I love you, too,” she laughs, throwing her arms around me, “And you’re crazy if you think you’re going to bed yet. Tim is going to the store for ice cream, and you’re waiting up with me.”

We wave to Luke and Lola as they make their way out to Luke’s truck. “I really am beat, Tigger, I need to get some sleep.”

“Okay, fine,” she agrees, “So, you had a good time tonight?”

“Yeah, it was fun. Hanging out with you guys was great, and Mere had a blast, too. I think she made more friends than I’ve ever had,” I laugh.

“Well, she’s a magnetic little flirt,” Brooke smiles, “When you start dating again, she’ll be a great pick-up tool. Oh, my God, I can’t believe I said that.”

I can’t either. I really fucking can’t. Which is why I fight my first inclination, which is to scream at her.

“Brooke, it’s okay. I mean, I’m not going to date again, but I mean, as far as things to say go, its fine. No big deal.” She looks thoroughly unconvinced. “I’m going to go to bed. I really am beat, and I want to check on Mere.”

“Don’t run away from this, Haley!” she protests, and I turn back around to look at her, “I know you don’t want to think that it’s completely over, but come on. Look around you.”

“Brooke, I know it’s over, okay? But just because everything I wanted so bad since I was sixteen is gone, just all fell out of my grasp at once, doesn’t mean that I’m going to forget it, move on overnight.”

“I didn’t mean that you did,” she sighs, “I just – you know me, I say stuff sometimes, and then I realize a second later it was a bad idea. This is one of those times.” She tilts her head to the side, regarding me. “You aren’t going to become one of those people who refuse to date, are you?”

“Brooke!” I exclaim, tears threatening to fall, “Come on! You know, you know as well as anyone what Nathan is to me, okay? And you know that this isn’t something that I wanted, or expected, or even imagined could happen. Nathan was it for me, you know that.”

“Yeah, I know, I do,” she agrees, “I’m sorry, I really am.”

“I know, Brooke. You’ve been the best in all this, and I don’t mean to blow up at you now,” I assure her, “It’s just – you said that, and it made me realize again what’s gone. And I hate it when I have to acknowledge what I’ve lost. Hurts too bad.”

It all hurts too damn bad.

Chapter Nine – For No One

‘The day breaks,

Your mind aches,

You find that all her words of kindness

Linger on when she no longer needs you…

You want her,

You need her,

And yet you don’t believe her

When she says her love is dead

You think she needs you…’ – Lennon/McCartney

~*~Mid July, 2013~*~

Dan is coming back today. He said he couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t keep trying with Nathan. He’s been there nearly a month, and nothing he did or said helped, and he has to come back to attend to his business. He said he is going to make one last ditch effort, but that otherwise, nothing turned out as well as he’d hoped. Deb cried when he told us he was coming back, realizing that now Nathan is on his own and that everything is up to him.

I didn’t cry then. I am just too tired of crying in front of people that I couldn’t do it then, so I waited until I got home and talked Luke into taking Mere to the café for dinner. And then I sobbed. I sobbed because I was scared for Nathan, I sobbed because I missed him, and I sobbed for all we’d lost.

It just hurts that there is nothing that we can do for him, and it hurts more that maybe I have no reason to want to help him now. I can’t excuse the things he’s done, I just can’t, but I do believe he wouldn’t have done them if he hadn’t been on drugs. That doesn’t give him a free pass, and I have doubts as to whether I’ll ever be able to forgive or forget, but that’s just the one little thing I can hold onto in all this. Sober, he’d never hurt me like that. That’s all I have, and if I don’t hold onto it, then the sadness and the anger and hurt would take me over.

Mere is still doing well, thank God. She cries for him occasionally, and I’ve actually tried calling his cell phone on a couple of occasions, but it always goes straight to voicemail. And Dan tried to get him to sober up enough to talk to her, but Nathan refused saying she didn’t need him and he didn’t need her either.

It is really hard to keep placating her with empty, hollow half-truths about where Nathan is. But at the same time, the same problem I started with is still there, and she still wouldn’t understand the truth. It just really upsets me that he’s put me in this position where I have to lie to our daughter on his behalf because off doing drugs. How can he do this?

He asked me and Deb to meet him at the airport, so I dropped Meredith off with Keith this afternoon, and that’s where we’re headed now. Neither of us is saying much – there just isn’t much to say at this time. And if I did say something, I’m afraid Deb would burst into tears again, and call me selfish, but I’m not up to dealing with that right now.

“I’m scared,” she finally says as I pull into a parking space in the airport garage, “I’m scared of what Dan has to report.”

“Me, too,” I admit, trying not to think of it. Why does everyone have to keep reminding me? Wouldn’t it be easier for all of us if we just let ourselves go numb?

“He said – said that there was one last thing he was going to try, but if that doesn’t work, I don’t know. I don’t know what we’ll do.”

“Yeah, the options are limited,” I sigh, wrapping my arms around myself as I shiver, suddenly cold.

“But you know, they can’t be that limited, right?” she asks as we start to walk into the airport, heading for baggage claim, “There has got to be something we could do for Nathan.”

“If there is, I’m sure we’ll find it,” I assure her, hoping that it doesn’t sound as hollow to her as it does to me. Or maybe she’s just as hollow as I am right now, and so she knows that I’m not trying to hurt her with my lacking response.

“It’s going to be okay, Haley,” she finally whispers after a lengthy pause. I nod, tears again falling down my cheeks as she wraps her arms around me. “We’ll get him through this somehow.”

“Yeah, okay,” I nod, trying to make both myself and her believe it. Neither of us do, though. At least I don’t. And with good reason, probably. How do you believe that things will be okay when everything you ever wanted and hoped for has been turned upside down, maybe taken away?

“There’s Dan,” Deb points out as we walk through the crowded airport, the lines of people at the car rental stands making it hard to navigate.

He has already grabbed his bags, so he makes his way over to us, setting them down and hugging the both of us. “It’s good to see you guys again,” he smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“You too,” Deb agrees, that damn hopeful expression on her face again. Why do I resent her so much for being hopeful? That’s not fair, to either of us, and she certainly doesn’t deserve it.

“Why don’t we talk when we get to the car?” Dan suggests, and Deb and I both immediately agree.

We lug his bags out there, a few more than he had with him when we left. Not surprising considering he’s been gone over a month now. Once they’re loaded in the trunk, Deb gets in the back seat, allowing Dan the passenger seat. He turns so that he’s facing both of us.

“I turned him in to the LVPD,” he informs us, “They promised to give me a day before they made it public, and since I dragged him down there myself, it didn’t go out over the radio. I wanted to tell you both this in person.”

“Wow,” Deb breathes, looking unsure what to think about it. I just nod, not even sure what to say. This – it pretty much does Nathan in. His career, his choices, all taken away. Probably any chance he’d have at getting custody of Meredith, at least for a long while. I should be happier about that last one, I think, but it’s just something else that rings endlessly hollow and leaves me feeling cold and void.

“He’ll be arrested on possession and consumption charges, and probably nothing much will happen to him. But once his lawyers or agents get a hold of him, I’m hoping they’ll talk him into entering a rehab facility as part of a plea deal. Which is pretty common, I understand.”

“So, he’d get some help,” I state, nodding along like a moron.

“That’s the idea,” Dan sighs, “And I know I should’ve consulted with you on this, but it was a last-ditch effort. There was nothing else I could do.”

I nod, understanding. Relieved that someone else did for me what I couldn’t. Ashamed that again, I failed Nathan by being unable to do that myself. Knowing I should’ve been the one to think of it, the one who made the call.

“It’s good that something’s been done,” I finally say, “It needed to be done. Maybe now he’ll actually get some help.”

“I’m hoping,” Dan admits, glancing back at Deb who has been silent this whole time, “Deb? Are you okay with this?”

“He’s in jail now?” Dan nods, and my heart clenches. “My baby is jail? No, I’m not really okay with that, Dan! How could I be?”

“It’s for the best,” I sigh, knowing how she feels. Jail isn’t exactly top of the list of places I’d like to think of Nathan, either. But if it was this or the hospital, I’d pick jail every time. I’d have to, if only because at least in jail I know he isn’t getting his stomach pumped or he’s not in a coma or something equally odious to think about.

“How can it be for the best? Think about it!” she exclaims, “Other men, meaner men, who have been arrested are there with him, those places always look cold – “

“You know what?” I snap, “After having to go to a morgue and view a body to see if it was his, this isn’t so damn bad, okay?”

Both of them look shocked by my outburst, but I ignore their looks and Deb’s gasp of whatever, and turn the car on, backing out of the spot. I can’t get out of this car fast enough. Right now, the only palatable option for me is getting to Meredith and taking her back to Luke’s place and lying in bed with her. That’s all I can even fathom doing at this point.

“Nathan’s lawyers will be calling tomorrow,” Dan announces after clearing his throat, “Letting us know about some of his options and what exactly he’s being charged with. One possibility they’re already looking into is getting his sentence or plea bargain terms transferred to be served in Seattle or, hopefully, here.”

“He could come back here?” I choke out, haltingly, “There’s that possibility?”

“Yeah, Haley, there is,” he assures me, “It’s ultimately up to him, but with Meredith being here, I think there’s a good possibility this is what he’d choose.”

“Okay,” I breathe, “Okay, that would be a good thing, for him to be around people who love him. He’d have all of you guys to get help from.”

“And you,” Deb chimes in. Hope springs eternal for some, but somewhere along the lines, I learned not to be one of those people. It certainly isn’t for me right now.

I shake my head in disagreement. “No, he’s made it clear – and yeah, it was the drugs and alcohol and anger talking, but he still made it clear that I have no place in his life. He doesn’t want my help. If you’d seen him in Vegas, I think you’d agree that there is pretty much no chance he’s changing his mind on that one.”

“Oh, honey, when he’s better, he’ll know how wrong he was. I – I know it won’t be easy, but maybe things can get back to normal for you.”

I love Deb, I do, but she’s trying my patience today. Nathan is her son, and I know, just like I’d do anything for Mere, she’d do anything for him, but I can’t hear this right now. I can’t hear her plans for our grand reunion or how things could be normal again. Because normal isn’t really in the works right now. Not for Nathan, and there is only the slightest possibility of me finding normal again, myself.

But I can’t kill all her hope just because mine is waning. That wouldn’t be fair, and it wouldn’t be right. If she needs to hold onto these things to make herself feel better, then who am I to judge?

“Maybe they will,” I agree, giving her what she needs to hear. Glancing in the mirror, I can see she looks satisfied with this, although I can tell by the look on Dan’s face that he knows better. But he understands better, having seen firsthand how bad things with Nathan are.

“Well, I think with him out here they absolutely would improve,” she says aloud, but I’m sure it is more to herself than anything else, “And then everything can work itself out. Oh, it’ll take time, I’m sure, but we’ll find our ways.”

She is so, so lucky that she can just fall into hope like this. It’d be nice if I could do the same, but somehow, it doesn’t work that way for me. Whenever I try, it works for a minute but then I think of Meredith and my responsibilities and commitments to her. And then I wonder if he ever was high any of the times he was with her, and I know that he had to have been. It went on too long and he had those drugs in our house, and I know he wasn’t in his right mind. He was, I know he was. And I can’t hope after that. Knowing the things I know, seeing the things I saw, I’d be stupid to fall into hope now.

And I’m not stupid. I’m weak, in a lot of ways. Fear has always been something that ruled my actions, evidenced when I spent multiple years pushing Nathan away. I was so terrified then that he’d go off to college and find out that the world beyond me was so much more appealing to him. I was lucky, so lucky, that he didn’t find that.

And now I’m terrified again. Scared I’ll lose Nathan forever, scared that even if he comes around to me, I won’t be able to take him back, and scared that I’m going to make a mistake that sends our lives, which are precariously on edge already, plummeting off the cliff. And I don’t want to do that, I just want everyone to be okay, to be safe and happy.

Especially Meredith. She means everything to me, and my main concern now is how this will all affect her. She’s fine, so far. But for how long? How long can she be happy without Nathan around? God, and me, how long can I stay functioning without him? I’ve never been so cut off from him since I first started tutoring him when I was sixteen. What can I do, though?

“How long will he be in jail?” Deb asks, breaking the tense silence in the car, “And what other repercussions are there from this?”

“Probably only until tomorrow afternoon,” Dan sighs, “That’s when he’ll have his initial hearing. Where they’ll set bail.”

“Bail,” Deb exhales, and I know how she feels. The gravity of this situation is enormous. Words like ‘bail’ really drive that point home.

“Yeah, he’ll be able to bail himself out. He will barely be in there thirty hours once it is all said and done,” Dan explains, “As far as how it goes after this, it’s mostly up to him. If he enters a treatment program, his lawyers may be able to get this off his record. If he refuses and tries to fight it, he could get jail time. It would be minimal since this is his first offense.”

“So, either way, he’s not going to jail for the rest of his life,” I nod, breathing a sigh of relief. Yeah, I want Nathan to deal with his problems, but jail is definitely not the best option for that.

“Well, that’s maybe not so bad,” Deb sighs, sounding a little relieved, “This is going to be a huge blow for him once the press gets a hold of it.”

“How’d you get him there?” I ask, curious.

Dan looks away from us, out the window. “Just waited until he was too high to fight me. I don’t know, maybe he didn’t really want to fight, anyway. It felt that way, but maybe it was just wishful thinking.”

“What kinds of things was he using?” I ask, broaching a subject I hadn’t dared to ask about at all since I’ve left.

Dan shakes his head. “Lots of alcohol, mostly. He was taking pills a lot, too, but not near as much as the alcohol. When he wanted to try and get to me, he’d whip out his vials of cocaine. It wasn’t often, though.”

“So it wasn’t a coke binge the whole time?” I ask, a little relieved. I suppose it isn’t much different, not really – a drug is a drug is a drug, right? Still, the societal stigma that is attached to cocaine is resonating now, and knowing that isn’t his first drug of choice is something of a relief, right or wrong.

“No,” he agrees, “It wasn’t. But it was still bad, Haley. He’s angry, and he doesn’t just use those drugs because he’s angry, he uses them because he can’t help it. He’s addicted.”

“Yeah, of course, I understand that,” I agree, “I know that this is going to take a lot of time for him to get better, and I’ve done enough reading to know that it will always be something he struggles with.”

“But it’s good, right?” Deb chimes in, “That he’s not using cocaine as much as the speed and alcohol? Cocaine is worse, isn’t it?”

Dan shrugs. “Not worse, really. Honestly, I don’t know much about the differences in these things, but it’s bad no matter how you look at it.”

Deb sighs, “I’d just hoped.”

“I know,” he nods, his voice gruff with emotion, “So do I.”

We all fall silent again, lost in thought. There has been so much new information to take in since Dan got back, and we all need a little time to process it. I drop Deb off first since Dan asked to be taken to Keith and Karen’s to talk to Keith. When she’s out of the car, he sighs, glancing over at me.

“How’s Meredith?”

“Missing her daddy,” I sigh, “But she’s okay. She’s not unhappy, just confused, I think. I hate doing this to her.”

“It’s good, I guess, that she’s too young to understand what is going on. No child should have to go through this, but in this sense, younger is better.”

“I’ve been thinking the same thing,” I agree, “It doesn’t make it easier when she cries for him, though.”

“No, I imagine it doesn’t.”

“What am I supposed to do?” I ask quietly. He looks blankly at me, obviously not sure exactly what I am referencing with my question. “I’ve spoken with a lawyer,” I confess, “About getting sole custody of Mere.”

“Oh,” he blinks, I guess surprised, “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean, I should, right? I don’t think it would be a good thing for him to get to choose his legal rights to her right now, you know?” I sigh. “He’s not fit to be a parent right now, Dan. I dislike that as much as you do, but I think we both know that it is the truth.”

He nods, “No, of course, he’s absolutely unfit. He shouldn’t be alone with that precious little girl, I think we all know that. I just think that she’s going to be the biggest motivation he’ll have, and if we cut him off, then what?”

“I don’t want to cut him off,” I explain, “But she’s not going to be with him unsupervised right now. If I can’t be there or he refuses to let me be there, then you or Luke or Karen or somebody I can trust to be sober needs to be there.”

“Okay, I think that’s more than fair,” he concedes as we pull into the driveway at Karen and Keith’s. “Are you upset that I turned him into the police?”

“No, it had to be done. I’m a little upset with myself for not doing it, for not thinking of doing it. I feel so useless, like I’m doing nothing – which basically, I am – and that I’m not even capable of helping him in the least.”

“There isn’t much anyone can do,” he shrugs, “This was my last ditch effort. If he just jumps back into a binge now, then there’s nothing more I can do. We’ve all done what we knew to do, and maybe we didn’t do it according to the textbooks, but we did do the best with what we had. I believe that, Haley. You should, too.”

I nod, supposing he’s right. None of us have experience with this situation, and we were just winging it. That’s a cold bit of comfort, though. Our best bit of efforts didn’t do much good at all.

“Meredith and I are moving back here permanently,” I tell him, “I’m going to have to go to Seattle tomorrow to pack up our clothes and some other belongings.”

“That’s good, everyone will be thrilled to have you both back.”

I sigh, “I can’t stay in limbo like this, and it isn’t fair to her to do it, either. She needs her toys, her clothes, all her blankets, and her bedding.”

“You’re taking Meredith? Are you going to need any help?”

“Brooke has asked to come with us, and I’ll get movers if it is more than we can handle.” I shake my head. “I don’t think I’ll be bringing much back, mostly just clothes and Mere’s things.”

“Okay, well, if you need help, you know I’m available.”

“You’ve already helped a lot,” I assure him, “And I appreciate it so much.”

“He’s my son, Mere is my granddaughter, and as far as I’m concerned, you’re my daughter in law. The point is, you’re family, and of course I’m going to help in any ways that I can.”

I smile gratefully at him as we get out of the car. “I appreciate it even more for that very reason,” I assure him.

We head into the house, finding Mere jumping up and down on the couch with Eric while Keith calls out to us that he’s in the kitchen making the kids lunch.

”Meredith Ryan Scott, you know better, young lady. Off the couch,” I scold her, “And you, too, Eric. Your mom would have a fit.”

Mere is completely unaffected by being scolded, and runs over to me with her arms up. I lift her up, kissing her forehead. “Hi baby. Were you behaving before this?”

“Hi Mommy,” she grins, “Ewic hided from me.”

“Oh, he did, huh?” I grin back, my mood instantly improving with her around, “Here, go see your Papa and tell him all about it.”

She eagerly goes into Dan’s arms, chattering wildly about what she’s been doing and answering all the questions he lays on her. I sit down on the couch next to Eric, who also quit bouncing.

“She driving you crazy?” I ask, winking at him.

“She follows me everywhere,” he pouts, “I don’t know why she won’t stop.”

“She just likes you, Er,” I assure him, “She thinks you’re fun. You’re like a big brother to her.”

“Like Lucas?” he asks.

“Yeah, only you’re way more fun than Lucas,” I laugh, hugging him to me, “She looks up to you because you’re older. You’re fun to play with for her.”

He nods, smiling shyly. “She’s always chases me when she’s here. But she only has girl toys to play with, and I’m not a girl!”

“I know you aren’t, kiddo,” I laugh, hugging him to me, “And she’ll play with your toys, too. And she’ll play on the swings and in the sprinkler. And you know what? It is okay for you to not play with her all the time. You can go off into your room and play with your stuff by yourself whenever you want. You aren’t her babysitter.”

“I don’t mind it so much,” he admits with a shrug, “She’s just a baby, but she’s okay.”

“She’d be glad to hear it,” I smile, kissing him on top of the head. I stand up. “Okay, I’m going to go see if your dad needs help with lunch. I’ll try and slip you an extra cookie,” I wink.

“Okay, I’m gonna go play with Uncle Dan and Mere now!” I nod, waving after him as he tears off.

Keith is in the kitchen fixing the kids macaroni and cheese. “This is about the only thing your daughter ever wants when she’s here,” he tells me, rolling his eyes.

”I’ve taught her well,” I laugh, grabbing a spoon and scooping out a bite for myself. “And you’re quite the mac’n’cheese chef.”

“Oh, years of practice, thanks to you and Lucas,” he grins, “Grab a bowl, you can be one of the kids today.”

“Aw, thanks, you old softy.”

“If you call me old again, I am taking it back,” he warns, “I’m not quite that old yet.”

“Oh, trust me, I won’t be biting the hand that feeds me anytime soon,” I smile, “And thank you very much for feeding me and my rugrat.”

“Well, we adore you and your rugrat, and you know it is no big deal.”

“Sure it is,” I counter, “The two of us will eat you out of house and home if you let us. You guys are way better cooks than Luke is.”

“Luke can barely function to use the microwave,” Keith points out, winking at me, “So I think you’re crazy if you’d expect any kind of decent food out of him.”

“Uncle Keith, you’re a jerk sometimes,” Luke interrupts from behind me, “And you, you are an ingrate!”

“Whatever, you know your cooking leaves something to be desired,” I retort, elbowing him in the ribs, “That’s why I’ve been doing most of the cooking, right?”

“Told you she’d grow up to be good for something,” Luke smirks back, directing his comment to Keith. “Where’s my favorite niece?”

“Out in the yard with your father and favorite brother,” Keith tells him.

“Three of my favorite people,” Luke smiles, heading off to find them.

“How’d it go at the airport?” Keith asks. I’ve confided in him and Karen a little bit about how hard it has been for me to deal with Deb and her persistent belief that everything can just magically be okay again.

“It was fine,” I sigh, “Dan dropped Nathan off at the Las Vegas Police Department before he left town. He’s been arrested for possession of illegal substances and drug paraphernalia.”

Keith shakes his head. “Do you guys think that will wake him up, make him realize how damn stupid he’s being?”

“Who knows?” I shrug, picking at the bowl of macaroni and cheese he places in front of me, “I want him to, but I don’t know if I can let myself expect it or even hope for it.”

Keith looks at me, thinking over what I said. “I know you’ve had advice about this and you’ve been hearing suggestions of what you should do constantly for the last month or so, so I won’t offer any of that crap. But I will suggest that you just remember that Nathan has always surprised you.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, setting the spoon down in my bowl.

He smiles slightly, setting a glass of water in front of me. “When you first met Nathan, you thought he was the biggest and shallowest ass on the planet. But he wasn’t, was he?” I shake my head. “And then, in college, he got straight A’s.” I nod, remembering. “And when you thought he’d never want you back after that stupid almost wedding of yours, he did. He’s just – I know he’s making your life hell right now, Haley, but…”

“But what?” I ask when he trails off, blinking back tears.

“But don’t shut him out if he comes up with another surprise,” he sighs, “I know it isn’t my place to say that, I know I shouldn’t have said it, probably. But I had to.”

I nod, knowing what he’s saying. “I can try, but I don’t think I can promise anything more than that,” I admit, “I keep hearing the things he said, seeing the things he did. And I’m trying, I swear I am, not to feel too sorry for myself, but I don’t think I’m doing a good job of it.”

“You’re doing fine,” he tries to assure me, “And even if you do feel a little sorry for yourself, isn’t that understandable?”

I shake my head, “I need to move on. I need start putting this behind me, I can’t dwell on it. That wouldn’t be good for Meredith or me, you know?”

“You can take some time to grieve, honey,” he points out, “And maybe you need to do that.”

“I don’t know how,” I whisper, looking down at the table, “I can’t grieve because I can’t let go. But holding on doesn’t do me any good either, right?”

“You’ll figure it out, in your own time,” he offers, “I know that doesn’t mean much now, but everything takes time. This will happen in its own time.”

I wipe my eyes when I hear Meredith squealing and Dan, Luke, and Eric talking and joking around. Keith leans over, giving me a quick hug.

“Mommy!” Mere yells when she sees me. She runs over to me, throwing herself against my legs.

“Hi sweets, what’s up? Did you have fun with your Papa and Luke and Eric?”

“Yeah, Papa pushed me, and Lukie pushed Ewic,” she tells me, climbing on my lap. Once she’s settled, she reaches across me and grabs the spoon, digging into my macaroni and cheese.

“Oh, no way, pumpkin, you’re going to make a mess, and it isn’t going to be on me,” I inform her, taking the spoon. She starts pouting, but I ignore her, setting her in the high chair they’ve began keeping out for when we’re over, which is fairly frequently.

I set her up in the chair, and Keith sets her plate in front of her. I grin my thanks at him as I fasten a bib around her neck. The child can be a wrecking crew when it comes to food, and her clothes are way too nice to let her gross up with macaroni and cheese.

Dan gets Keith to take him home shortly after that, and I stay with Luke who has agreed to watch Eric until Karen gets home. We let Eric and Mere run wild in the backyard, and take seats on the deck, watching them.

“So, I hear you’re off to Seattle tomorrow?” he questions.

“Dan told you?” I blink, surprised they’d found the time in the very few moments I’d been out of their presence.

He shakes his head. “Nah, I went over to drop something off for Tim, and Brooke was packing. I asked where she was going, and she told me.”

I nod. “I see.”

“You see? That’s all you’re going to say about it?”

“What else is there?” I ask, shrugging, “Yeah, I’m going to Seattle. I’m packing up my clothes and my daughter’s things, and we’re moving back here.”

“You weren’t going to tell me?”

“I haven’t even bought the tickets yet,” I inform him, testy, “And we just decided this morning that we’d go and get it over with. Any other questions?”

“Jeez, calm down,” he mutters, “I’m just surprised that you’ve decided, basically on a whim, to just go do this tomorrow.”

“Well, when should I do it?” I ask, my voice rising in anger, “Should I wait until he’s back there, doing God knows what with God knows who? Should I wait until Mere is three or four? Come on, Luke, you tell me, when is the right time for this?”

“It’s nice that you’re angry, Hales, but maybe you should think about who exactly you’re taking it out on, huh?”

“Whatever, Luke,” I mutter, pissed still, “Why are you bitching at me about this?”

“Why are you so sensitive about it?” he retorts.

“What the hell? God, what do you think, Luke? Do you even care how hard this is for me, going back to my house, packing up our stuff, and leaving, basically for good, the man I’ve loved half my life now?”

“Yeah, fine, I’m sorry, okay? I’m a jerk, an insensitive jerk,” he mutters, getting up to walk away, “Just forget about it.”

“Forget what?” I question, jumping up to follow him, “What the hell are you even being a jerk about, anyway? I don’t get this!”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, obviously hurt.

I stare at him in amazement for a few seconds before bursting into laughter. “That’s why you’re pouting and being a dick?” I gasp out between laughs, “Oh, my God, Luke, you’re such a baby sometimes!”

“Well, God, Hales, you’re living in my house, and you aren’t going to tell me that you’re going to be gone for who knows how long?”

“I was going to tell you! Of course I was going to tell you, gosh, what the hell do you take me for?” I ask, not sure whether to laugh or shake him.

“You and Brooke, huh?”

“And Meredith,” I sigh, “It’s probably not fair to make her travel back and forth across country, but I don’t want to leave her again. That’s definitely even less fair, you know?”

“You guys gonna be okay?” he asks, obviously concerned.

“We’ll be fine. We’ve got Brooke, right?” I laugh, “And you know what, it’ll be fine anyway. Nathan’s in jail, he’ll be in there until tomorrow, and then who knows where he’ll go, right?”

He shrugs. “I wasn’t worried about that, actually. I was just thinking that it might be hard to get shorty over there to leave once you get her home.”

I nod. “I’ve thought about that,” I admit softly, watching Mere, “But I can’t keep leaving her, Luke. She doesn’t deserve that from me.”

“Yeah, maybe not,” he sighs, “But I was just picturing how she might react. And, look, how long are you going to be there?”

“A day, two at tops,” I shrug, “It’ll be quick. I’m going to have movers ready to go as soon as things are packed, and all Brooke and I will have to do is get our stuff in the boxes. That’ll be quick.”

“Okay, well, if you need help, you know the number.”

“You’ve only reminded me of that five thousand times the last month or so,” I point out, laughing, “And I do appreciate it, Luke. I wasn’t shutting you or anyone else with this decision. It was sort of last minute. I knew it was something I’d have to do, but I’ve been putting it off. Now’s the time.”

He nods, “Well, if you need a ride to the airport, I’m your guy. Unless Tim is doing it or something.”

“You’ll probably be at work,” I note, “We’ll just park there. It won’t be a big deal.”

“Are you ready to leave Seattle?” he asks, the first person who has done so, “You have a job there, friends. I know it isn’t the same as having all of us here, but you guys have a life. I think we’d understand if you weren’t ready to leave it.”

“No, it’s good for me to come back here now,” I sigh, “I need you all. And yeah, I have a few friends there, and I like my job. But it isn’t worth more than what I have here, you know that. Besides, there are jobs here, right? I have an interview with an ID firm in Durham.”

“Yeah?” I nod. “That’s great, Haley. You’re way too talented to work at the café forever,” he laughs.

“You know, that is definitely the nicest thing that you have said to me since you got here,” I laugh with him.

“Well, I was being a baby when I got here,” he admits, grinning sheepishly, “Sorry about that, by the way.”

“It’s okay. I’ve been a baby about a lot of things lately. People in glass houses, right?”

He shakes his head, disagreeing. “Your house isn’t glass, Hales, and you haven’t been a baby at all. God, you’ve been a robot about it in some ways. You’ve been tough.”

A robot? Who is he kidding? I cry all the time, and I know that he’s aware of it. Maybe he’s thinking he can pretend not to know if I don’t do it in front of him.

“Whatever,” I mumble, “Hey, I’m going to grab Mere and go. We need to get some stuff packed, and I need to blow more cash yet again on last minute plane tickets.”

“You want me to keep her here for awhile?” he offers, “She’s having fun.”

“It’s nap time,” I laugh, glancing at my watch, “All fun and games now, but as you know, that’ll be over the second Eric looks at her funny. Or just looks at her.”

He nods, convinced. “Yeah, after that day you let me take her to the zoo without her nap, I learned that lesson. By all means, take her with you.”

“Dinner with Brooke and Tim tonight? Lola will be there,” I tease him, cracking up when he blushes, “You are so pathetic with your little crush!”

“I don’t have a crush,” he argues, “She’s just, I don’t know, fun to hang around with or something. I like having new friends.”

I roll my eyes at his obviousness. “Whatever, Lucas Scott, you lying sack, you keep telling yourself that, and maybe one of these days, you’ll believe it.”

He shrugs, smirking at me. “I’m going to go play some H-O-R-S-E with my little bro now, so don’t you worry about me, my lying, or my sack.”

“You’re sick,” I shake my head, “And you’re just mad because I’m right!”

He flips me off as he jogs over to the kids, lifting Mere up above his head and kissing her before sending her over to me.

“Hi Mommy!” she greets when she gets to me.

“Come on, sweets, let’s go back to Uncle Luke’s house and read some stories, okay?”

She nods, and I can already see her eyelids drooping. She looks so much like Nathan today, in a Sonics hoodie that would’ve cost Nathan a ton if he hadn’t been on the team, and a pair of designer jeans for toddlers. Her hair has lightened up a little in the summer sun, but it is still close in shade to her father’s, and she’s adorable for it.

She reminds me so much of him that it would probably hurt if I didn’t love her so much. But I do, I love her to pieces. She’s my saving grace. She’s the reason that I haven’t given up completely – I know I have her to do right by. It doesn’t make it easier that she looks so much like him, but in the end, it doesn’t make it harder either. It just is, I guess. And I have always loved that about her, that she has his spirit, his looks. It’s just that the reminder isn’t always so great now, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Chapter 9 (cont) - 10

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