Getting It All Back

By Brynne

Chapter Six – Paint It, Black

‘No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue

I could not foresee this thing happening to you

If I look hard enough into the setting sun

My love will laugh with me before the morning comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black

No colors anymore I want them to turn back’ – M. Jagger & K. Richard

~*~Late June, 2013~*~

“What?” I gasp, figuring I misheard, “No, no way. It isn’t Nathan. It’s not, I know it isn’t. He’s not – not, no, he wouldn’t be there.”

I can’t even say the words.

“We have to go and check, Haley. I know – you don’t have to come if you don’t want to. Luke or I can do it. You can stay here and wait,” Dan offers.

“Are you crazy? No, I’m not staying here, he’s my – he’s mine, and if anyone has to do it, it will be me,” I inform them, my voice breaking on ‘mine’.

“That’s not a good idea,” Luke says forcefully, “I won’t let you do that, Haley. You don’t want to see that if it his him!”

“It’s not your goddamn choice, is it, Luke?” I yell, “He’s my boyfriend, I’ve lived with him for the last two years, I carried his child, and this is something I have to do!”

“Hey, stop, you two,” Dan interjects, putting his hands on Luke’s shoulders, “Luke, if she wants to do this, it is her right.”

I fight the urge to stick my tongue out at him now that I’ve got my way. I know that he just feels like he has to protect me, but I know – I know – that this isn’t Nathan, so there is nothing to protect me from. I’d know if he was – was – was dead. I would.

This is so alternate universe that I can’t even wrap my mind around it. Seriously, I think I get what people mean when they say out of body. That’s how I feel right now, like I’m watching myself make decisions and do things, but that I don’t have any say or control over it. Scary.

We all pile into my car, Luke driving. I sit in the back seat, trying to ignore everything and everyone around me. Funny, but it is both the longest and shortest ride of my life, and while it feels like it takes forever, we are there before I know it.

I don’t want to get out of the car, and I almost don’t, but when Dan and Luke look back at me, I do. Everything feels so paint by numbers, follow the leader. God, and everything turns into a colloquialism.

The tension between the three of us is thick, and no one speaks as we file into the building. When we get to the reception desk, it is Dan who steps up and explains why we’re here, and before long, we are led down to the morgue by a creepy guy who looks like he really enjoys his job among the cadavers.

“Who is going to identify the body?” he asks, looking at the three of us.

Before I can yell at him that this isn’t an identification, just a rule out, Dan steps forward and tells him that it will be me. Both he and Luke look at me, and I know neither thinks I should be doing this, but it doesn’t matter what they think. Nathan is my boyfriend, he’s so much more than that, and I should be – I need to be – the one who does this.

The guy who brought us down here motions for me to follow him, so I do, wrapping my arms around myself. It’s cold down here, damp, too, and smells musky and generally gross. The room he leads me into is dark, lit only with soft blue lights. Surprisingly, it looks just like what you see on TV shows – walls of file cabinet looking things, that assuming TV is correct, that probably hold the bodies.

God, the bodies. Nathan could be one of them. But I’d know. I would know, how could I not know if he was dead? It is so hard to wrap my mind around that possibility when it seems like the earth should stop spinning if that were the case.

“He’s in this one,” the guy says, indicating to one of the drawers. I don’t say anything, just wait expectantly for him to pull it out.

He does, and as he’s unzipping the body bag, I stop him. “How’d he die? How did this guy die?” I ask urgently.

“He was stabbed trying to score drugs,” he tells me, going back to unzipping the bag. My blood runs cold. The guy inside has dark hair, like Nathan’s, but thank God, that’s where the similarities end.

“It isn’t him. That’s not my boyfriend,” I tell him, surprised that I feel so relieved when I thought I was so positive before that it wouldn’t be him. My entire body is shaking, and I must look pretty bad, because the guy drags me out of the room.

“It isn’t the guy you’re looking for,” he tells them, “But I think she’s gonna be sick anyway.” He shoves me at Luke, probably afraid I’ll puke on his shoes.

“Are you okay?” Luke asks, wrapping his arms around me, “You don’t look so good, Hales. You’re white as a sheet, and shaking.”

“I – I didn’t realize how scared I was that it was him until I saw that it wasn’t. But I was, I was so scared, so scared,” I break down into sobs, Lucas holding me upright and Dan watching helplessly as I dissolve. “I didn’t know.”

“Shh,” Lucas tries to calm me, “It’s going to be okay, Haley. Shh. We’re going to find him, okay, and it won’t be here. You’re right, you’d know, I trust you. I trust your instinct, okay? He’s not gonna be here, we’re going to find him.”

“Luke,” I sob, “Why won’t he call me? Why won’t he just let me know that he’s okay? Doesn’t he know how much I need to know that?”

“I don’t know, Hales, I don’t know,” he whispers, pulling me over and sitting me down on a chair. He kneels in front of me, grasping my chin between his fingers, forcing me to look at him. “We’ll find him, I promise you that.”

“I just want to know he’s okay, that’s all I want.”

“I know, I know.”

“And he’s gone and what if he’s hurt, Luke? What if he’s hurt and he needs me, but he can’t call? What if something happened to him?”

“Okay, Hales, stop it, this isn’t good for you. You know I love you and you know I want to let you deal with this your own way, but this isn’t good, Hales. Come on, calm down, okay?”

“But Luke, if he’s hurt, I just – he can’t be hurt,” I tell him, shaking my head, “I can’t have him not be okay.”

“Let’s get out of here,” Dan interrupts quietly, “I don’t think this is that great of a place for any of us to be hanging around.”

Luke nods, putting his arm around me and pulling me out of the chair. “Come on, Hales, you got to help me here. You’ve got to snap out of this, okay?”

I nod, trying to do as he said and walk out of here. It’s hard, though, so hard now that the thoughts of what could’ve happened to him, where he could be are all here, all right at the forefront, and I can’t help but taunt myself with the idea that he could still end up here. It’s morbid, and it is horrible beyond belief, but I can’t help it. It’s there, and doesn’t seem to be going away. Just keeps rattling in my head tormenting me.

And I don’t want to break down here, or like this, but it is beginning to feel like I don’t have a choice. Like I’m on this roller coaster that is just inevitably, relentlessly plummeting straight for the ground. And there is no way off.

“I can’t,” I whisper, causing Luke to tighten his grip on my arm and waist, “I can’t do this. I can’t go outside and pretend like things are okay.”

“You don’t have to pretend anything,” Dan says gruffly, his face contorted in pain and sympathy, “But we can’t stay here, Haley. Luke is right, being here, in this hell, it isn’t good for any of us.”

I nod, knowing he’s right; they’re both right. “Okay, let’s go.”

They guide me outside, where we are startled by the half dozen or so members of the local media waiting outside, clearly for us. They are the same ones that have been outside my home for the last week, so of course they’re here for us.

“Shit,” Dan mutters under his breath, “Hurry up, Luke, we’ve got to get her to the car. She doesn’t them badgering her right now.”

I stay silent, just following along where they lead, staring at the ground. I’m still crying, but right now, I don’t care enough to try and wipe the tears away. It doesn’t matter, they’ve already got me like this, so of course they’ll show it. Use me and my tears to show Nathan’s downfall.

We get to the car, and I climb in the backseat, numbly, almost mechanically. Dan drives this time, and Luke keeps turning around giving me worried looks. I try to smile, thinking to reassure him that I’m not completely catatonic, but I doubt the half-assed grimace it turned out like did much in the way of reassuring.

“I’m sorry,” Luke apologizes, “I didn’t even think about them following us.”

“I can’t believe this is that big of a story,” Dan mutters, “I know steroids in the NBA isn’t commonplace like it is in MLB, but you’d think that these damn local idiots would have something better to report!”

I snort back a peal of humorless laughter. “You’d think, but these people will harp on anything that is remotely newsworthy until something bigger happens.”

Luke shakes his head. “Maybe we should contact Nathan’s agent and get him to issue a statement. I don’t know, we can’t just sit on this. Sooner or later, they’re going to figure out that something is going on, you know, if they haven’t figured it out from this.”

I wipe my eyes. “He’s been calling. Left a lot of messages, probably even more on Nathan’s cell phone. I didn’t answer him, I didn’t know what to say.”

“Its okay, Haley, we’ll talk to him now. Have you met him?”

“A couple of times,” I shrug, “At a few functions. He manages a few guys on the team, so he comes up from LA occasionally.”

“Okay, well, we’ll call him when we get back to the house,” Dan says, “God, I should’ve thought of that sooner. We should’ve had someone doing damage control for Nathan. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“I think we were all thinking that we needed to find him ASAP, and that kind of superseded anything else we thought or did,” Luke jumps in, probably not wanting him to feel guilty and sorry for himself the way I am.

“Maybe so,” Dan concedes, “But I still should’ve thought of that. I should’ve realized that was something that I could do for Nathan. Because let’s face it, the longer this goes on, the worse it looks for him.”

“It might not matter now,” Luke sighs, “This whole thing has gotten so huge, I don’t know if we can help Nathan at this point. With his career, I mean.”

I’m silent through this whole exchanged, not half as worried about Nathan’s career as I am about Nathan himself. Maybe that’s selfish, and maybe that isn’t even what he’d want, but right now, after everything that has happened today, that is really just how it is.

“Haley, I’ll call his agent, if you’d like,” Dan offers.

I know he’s trying to be nice, I know Luke is, too, but I feel like they’re taking every single worthwhile thing that I could do, and doing it for me. So all I’m left doing is sitting around feeling worthless. And I hate that feeling.

“I’ll go ahead and do it, it isn’t a problem,” I assure him.

“Of course, if you want to,” he agrees, and I see him exchange another glance with Lucas. They clearly don’t think I’m capable of handling this myself, but neither of them wants to be the one to say so. This is all so frustrating, every aspect of it.

“I think that I should be the one to do it,” I say slowly, “I think that Nathan would prefer it be me who speaks to Ron. I mean, that’s just how he is.” Although at this point, to Nathan I’m probably just the lesser of evils, if even that.

They both nod, and I know they agree with that sentiment, just possibly not my capability in doing it. It doesn’t matter, though, because I’m going to make the call and discuss our options with them. I’ve already done what Nathan didn’t want me to do by bringing Luke and Dan here and letting the whole family get involved in discussions on what to do, but I won’t keep doing that if I can help it.

We get back to the house, and the first thing I do is pull up the phone book on our computer and place a call to Ron, Nathan’s agent. His secretary says he’s out for a few hours, but that she will have him call me back as soon as she gets a hold of him.

Dan leaves again to go canvas those stupid bars and strip clubs, not that it will do any of us any good. He still gets purpose out of it, though, so I don’t say anything. Luke looks like he’s going to, but it is pretty obvious what all of this is doing to Dan, and I don’t think Luke wants to call attention to it. The man looks like he’s aged ten years in the last ten days.

“He looks bad, Hales,” he sighs to me once Dan is out of the house, “Every day, it gets a little worse.”

“I noticed,” I agree, “He’s aging overnight.”

“I heard him fighting with Deb over the phone last night, it sounded like she was saying some pretty harsh things. I mean, I know that the history there is warped and twisted, but she’s got to know that he loves Nathan and never wanted anything like this to happen.”

“She’s just scared,” I tell him, “And blaming Dan is easy for her, convenient. Maybe too easy, too convenient, but maybe that is all she feels she has to hold onto.”

“I just wish she’d cut him some slack right now. It’s not doing anyone any good to point fingers, right?”

“No, it isn’t,” I agree.

Luke leaves me alone then, probably noticing that I’m feeling quiet right now, grabbing a beer out of the fridge and going outside. I’d meant to get rid of all the alcohol before Nathan came back, but as the likelihood of that has decreased, I’ve let it go and kept it so that it is available to Dan and Luke if they want it.

With Dan gone and Luke outside, I nearly jump out of my skin when the phone rings. I check the caller ID expecting Ron to be calling, but am surprised to see that it is Brooke.

“Brooke? What’s going on, is Mere okay?”

“What? Of course she is, why would you think there was something wrong with Meredith?”

“Because you’re calling!”

“Oh, well, Tutor Mommy, I was just calling to see if you turned up anything on your money check on Nathan. I didn’t think you’d bite my head off for it.”

“Oh, God, I forgot about that,” I sigh, fresh tears welling in my eyes. I let my head drop down onto the cool wood of the desk.

“What happened?” she asks, her tone more gentle this time.

“Brooke,” I start, my voice breaking in pain, “Luke put Nathan’s description in some database at the county sheriff’s office a few days, and he got a call today.”

“Did you find him? Was his sorry ass in the clink?”

I manage to laugh a little at that. “No, he wasn’t in the clink. It was worse. It was a call from the morgue. They had someone matching his description there, and we – we had to go down and see if we could ID the body.”

“Oh, no, it wasn’t – Hales, say it wasn’t him!”

“No, it wasn’t. But God, Brooke, it could’ve been. It could be him next time. And what can I do about that? How can I stop it? I don’t even know where he is!”

“Hey, Tutor Mommy, calm down a second, okay?” I take a deep shuddering breath, waiting for her to continue. “Why don’t you look up your banking records right now, okay? See if there are purchases on there that you didn’t make.”

“Yeah, okay,” I agree, trying to stop the tears, “I’m sorry I’m taking this out on you. It’s, I don’t know, easier since I don’t have to look at you. God, Brooke, Dan looks broken. Completely beaten down by all this. It’s awful.”

“And you? Are you looking awful, too?”

“Probably,” I admit, “My friend Melissa stopped by earlier today, and she wanted to know how much weight I’d lost. She brought food, though, so at least I’ve eaten today. Of course, I almost threw it up about eight times both before and after having to look at a body that was thankfully not Nathan’s.”

“Hey, it wasn’t him, that’s all that matters.”

“I don’t know if it is all that matters, but it is a relief,” I agree, holding the phone to my ear with my shoulder while I log into our banking website. “I mean, that guy, that poor kid who was there in that bag which is basically stuffed in a locker, Brooke, he must have a family, someone who loves him. And it is such a relief it wasn’t Nathan, but I still feel sorry them.”

“I do, too, baby, but there’s nothing we can do about it. We just have to concentrate on getting Nathan back to you guys. You checking your account?”

“Yeah, I am,” I assure her, scanning through the things on the list, realizing that these were made by my card. I switch to Nathan’s card number, scanning through looking for anything of interest. “Oh, my God,” I mutter, not sure whether to be deliriously happy or extraordinarily pissed off.

“What? What?”

“He’s in Vegas,” I state, no emotion in my voice.

“Vegas?” she repeats, “Like most awesome city in the world Vegas?”

“Yeah, Las Vegas, Nevada. He’s in Las fucking Vegas.”

I don’t even know what to think of this. It is obviously a relief to know where he is, and that he was well enough to be making a ton and half of purchases with his debit card yesterday. At the same time, I just want to smack him so hard. He’s been in Las Vegas, living it up, doing God knows what, while I’ve been here, half afraid he was dead.

“Why would he be in Vegas?” she wonders aloud, “I mean, Nathan isn’t a gambler, right?”

“No, he never has been. All he likes to play is strip poker,” I mumble dully, “Maybe he’s taking in the shows. God, I don’t know, running away from me? Jesus, this is – I don’t even know what to think about this.”

“You know where he’s staying?”

“Yeah, according to our bank statement, the MGM.”

“When are you leaving?” she asks, already knowing I’ll be down there as soon as I possibly can. Just have to get Dan back here, and we’ll head for the airport. A lot of flights go out of Seatac for Vegas every day, shouldn’t be a problem.

“As soon as possible,” I assure her, “I can’t stay here knowing where he is, that he might not be okay. I just have to get Luke to call Dan. Will you stay on the line?”

“Yeah, of course, Hales, I’m here for you, babe.”

“Thanks, Tigger,” I sigh, “I’ll be right back.”

I take the phone with me as I walk down to the dock where Luke is. “Hey,” I call, moving up behind him. “He’s in Vegas.”

“Is that him on the phone?” he asks, his eyes lighting up with hope.

I shake my head. “Your ex-wife told me to check our banking records, and lo and behold, he’s been spending money like his ass is on fire and that’s the only way to put it out in Vegas.”

“He’s in Vegas?” he blinks, like it just registered.

“Yeah, Vegas,” I reply dully.

“What the fuck is he doing in Vegas? Besides spending money like an idiot?”

I shake my head. “I wish I knew, Luke. But I’m flying down there tonight to find out. If you could call Dan and let him know what’s going on, I’d appreciate it.”

“Yeah, of course. Tell Brooke ‘hi’ for me, okay?” he requests, whipping his cell phone out of his pocket.

“Yeah, I will. Thanks, Luke,” I sigh, trying to smile. I should be happy, right? We know where he is now. I should at least be relieved if he’s able to spend the kind of money he’s spending. Why does it feel like a hollow victory?

“Brooke?” I ask when I’m back in the phone.

“Yeah?”

“I’m back.”

“Is he going to call Dan for you?”

“Yeah, and he says ‘hi’, too.”

”That’s nice, when you get a chance, tell him high for me, okay?”

“Yeah, I will.”

“Are you okay?” she asks, “I think you actually are starting to sound worse than you did before you found out where he was?”

“What is he doing down there?” I cry, “Why am I so horrible to him that he has to go to Vegas to get away from me?”

She’s silent for a minute, long enough to make me think I’m not going to like what she says next. “Well, Haley, you did leave first. And I’m not saying that you weren’t right because you know I think you were, but if he’s on something, he probably doesn’t see it that way.”

“I know,” I whisper, “I know. It hurt him, and I don’t know why I thought it might spur him into getting help. I should’ve known it would do the exact opposite. This is Nathan, after all. When does he respond to tough love in a positive manner?”

“Stop beating yourself up about it, Haley! Weren’t you the one who said you had to do right by your daughter? That it didn’t matter if Nathan hated you, getting Meredith out of there before she could get hurt was the best thing for both her and Nathan? You can’t tell me that you think differently now, because I know you don’t.”

“No, I don’t,” I admit, crying again, “But it still hurts that he’d take off on me like this. That he’d trash our house. Brooke, I have this chair, this chair that I just love – we used to lie on it for hours with Mere. We’d talk and watch her sleep or sing to her and read to her. He took a knife and cut it up into shreds, Tigger. That was to show me how mad he was, how much he hates me. He knows I love that chair.”

“Oh, honey,” she sighs in sympathy.

“And I just – what if it’s over? What if he really doesn’t ever want to see me again?”

“Then you know what? We’ll deal with it. You will deal with it, and we will help you. Me, Luke, Tim, Karen, Keith, Deb, and Dan, all of us, will help you. But you know what else? You do not know that this is what is going on here, okay?”

“I know,” I agree, sighing. “I just can’t help but think the worse. And of course, I’m still concerned about how he is, if he’s really okay. What if it isn’t him? Oh, my God, what if someone hurt him and took all his cards and that’s who is on this shopping spree now?”

“Haley, go get Luke,” she orders, “Go get him and put him on the phone.”

“Tigger, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to whine,” I plead, “I just can’t do anything, and I don’t know…I don’t know.”

”I know, baby. Let me talk to Luke, okay? I just want to yell at him for a second, you know how I like to do that.”

“Brooke, you don’t have to tell him to watch me, okay? I’m going to be fine. I just need to compose myself a little bit.”

“A little? Haley, you’re scaring me! I just don’t want you to fall into some guilt ridden, self-loathing funk where you don’t eat anything or drink anything for a couple of weeks again. I swear, if you end up in the hospital with dehydration, I’m going to beat your ass. And if your friend is already concerned about you losing weight, and now you sound more upset than you have all along, well, it worries me!”

“I promise, I didn’t mean to worry you,” I try, hoping she’ll let this go. Luke is already hovering over me like I’m his puppy or something; I don’t need him following me twenty-four seven and trying to make sure I eat right.

“Okay,” she agrees, “Fine. But I swear, I’m calling him tomorrow, and you’d better be okay. Eating regularly. I will fly out there myself if I have to.”

“Brooke, I’ll be fine. I’ll just think of Meredith.”

”You could always do it for yourself,” she counters, “But if Meredith is what it takes, then fine, think of her. Just take care of yourself. And when you find Nathan, and I know you will, don’t let him push you away, Haley.”

I smile a little. “Tim said the same thing.”

“Wow, we’re having so much sex that we’re thinking the same thoughts,” she marvels, giggling. Oh, if I didn’t love those two so much it’d be gag-worthy.

“I will gladly try not to think of that part,” I tell her, rolling my eyes. I print a few of the records of where Nathan’s been and where he’s staying so that we have these to go on at least. “Okay, Brooke, I’m gonna go find Luke now and make sure he and Dan will be ready to go to the airport as soon as Dan gets back, okay?”

“Okay, babe, I love you.”

“Love you, too. And Tigger? Thanks, for being patient with me. And listening to me cry, too. That’s never any fun.”

“Hey, I’d do it forever if you needed me to,” she says simply, and I’m just overwhelmed by how much I miss her and Tim and even pain in my ass Luke.

“Tell Tim I love him and miss him.”

“I will. Hey, call me as soon as you get news, okay?”

“Yeah, I will. Bye Tigger.”

I hang the phone up and gather the papers I printed, heading for our bedroom to pack a few things, both for him and me. After the first night, I got my act together and slept in here. I hated every second of it and barely slept as a result, but being able to hold his pillow did provide a tiny bit of comfort. But I’d noticed that barely any of his clothes were missing, so I figure now that packing a few things for him can’t hurt.

Luke knocks on the door a few minutes after I start getting things together. “Did you make reservations already?”

I shake my head. “Nope, I’m just going to the airport and getting on the first flight I can find to Vegas,” I tell him, not caring how rash it sounds.

“Haley, you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Yeah, it’s the best that I’ve got. What else am I supposed to do? Sit here like an impotent jerk waiting for him to come back? That didn’t work, Luke. So I’m trying something else. Did you get a hold of Dan?” He nods. “And is he on his way back? Because I would really like it if we could leave as soon as he gets back, okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” Luke agrees, “I’ll go make sure all our stuff is packed.”

“Good, I really want to get there soon. I just have to make a few calls and see if our babysitter would mind coming over tomorrow when the last of the cleaning people are here. And I need to call Melissa and let her know I’m leaving and that I think we’ve found him, or at least have a general idea where he is.”

“Hales, slow down, there’s no rush. You stopping and taking a deep breath isn’t going to hurt anything.”

“I don’t want to slow down, Luke,” I mutter petulantly, resuming folding clothes and setting them in the suitcase, “I just want to get down there and find him.”

“I get that, Hales. You know I do. But if you sit down for a minute and take a few deep breaths, it’ll be okay. It won’t hurt our chances of finding him at all.”

I nod, just giving in and sitting down. I’m so tense right now that it is hard for me to sit still when I know I could be doing other things to get ready to fly to Vegas. Not that there is much to do, though.

“Isn’t that better?” Luke asks, and I roll my eyes at him.

“Yeah, Luke, sitting for thirty seconds really takes away the last few days. Gosh, I can barely remember why I’m so tense right now,” I groan sarcastically ,”Seriously, if you’re going to go with some new age bullshit on me and try and get me to relax, I might have to hurt you.”

He has the good-natured sense to smile at that and back out of the room. “Sorry, do what you have to do. We’ll be ready to leave as soon as Dad gets back, I promise.”

“Thanks, Luke,” I say softly, “Like I told Brooke, not only for being patient with me, but just for putting up with me in general. I know I’ve been difficult.”

“Hey, it’s a difficult situation. And we’ve all had our moments, right?”

“How’re you holding up?” I ask, knowing this is hard for him, too, and also knowing he’s the one I’ve given the least concessions, too.

“I’m fine, Haley. I’m worried about Dad, though. He’s so focused on finding Nathan. I haven’t seen him like this in ages, and we’ve even started playing a little one on one.”

He tries to make it sound like a joke, but I think he’s genuinely worried that the old, overly driven and narrowly focused Dan will appear again.

“It isn’t like before, though, Luke. And you know what? He’d do the same for you, if you were missing.”

“I know that. I do. It’s just sometimes, not often, but now when Nathan is missing, I just wonder if he’ll ever have that really driving paternal love for me the way he does for Nathan.”

I shake my head. “You Scott men are so confusing,” I sigh, “You’d really think that one – just one! – of you would figure out that you all have the same concerns and insecurities about each other and your relationships. And maybe do something about it.”

“Huh?”

“Luke! They worry about the same things you do. Figure it out already.”

He just nods, not saying anything in response. “I’m, uh, gonna go get our bags and set them outside. You done with this one?” he asks. I sigh, but nod my permission for him to take my bag, letting him off the hook.

How did we all get so messed up?

~*~

By the time Dan got back and we made it to the airport, it was a lot later than I had hoped. It was still early evening, but that meant by the time we found a flight, it was evening, meaning now that we’re landing, it is late evening.

The flight was god-awful, none of us wanting to talk, but each of us so nervous that we basically had to. No one said anything important, mostly just mumbled about who we talked to back home to keep informed. We’ve kind of divided them up so we each have people to ‘report to’. I’ve got Brooke and Tim, and sometimes Karen when I call to check on Mere. Luke gets Karen and Keith and Dan has been keeping Deb in the loop.

We go directly from the airport to the hotel, and while Luke and Dan procure us several rooms, I argue with the person at the desk, demanding I get a key to Nathan’s room.

“Miss, I’m sorry, I can’t do that. I cannot give out keys without the guest’s permission.”

“Listen, sir, I respect your rules, I really do, but this is my boyfriend we are talking about here! And look, I’m on all of his bank and credit card accounts. Pull up his reservation, and I guarantee you he used one of these,” I try, handing him my cards.

“Ma’am, this is really not something I’m allowed to do.”

”I just want to surprise my boyfriend. He’s had a rough week,” I drop, having seen the glint of interest in his eyes when I told him whose room I wanted, “I just want to see him and try and make things better.”

“I – fine,” he finally gives in, “But if I lose my job for this, I’ll dream up some story to sell to the tabloids, Miss James.”

“Yeah, you’re a real prince of a guy,” I mutter, rolling my eyes at him, dropping a few hundreds in his greedy palm. In return, though, he gives me the key.

I grab the key away, and get directions from a bellhop which elevator to take, stopping only to tell Luke I’ll call him when I can. The whole trip up to Nathan’s room I’m shaking. Worse than I can ever remember shaking, even in the last few days. Fear is radiating through me, and how I manage to put my feet in front of the other to walk, I don’t know.

I stand outside his room like an idiot. I’ll be the first to admit that maybe I don’t want to know what’s going on inside. Maybe it isn’t something I want to see. There is loud rap music emanating through the door right now, and if I open the door and – I don’t even know. I just don’t know about all this.

I finally screw up enough courage to knock, loudly. There is no answer, the volume of the music doesn’t raise or lower. I knock again, not really wanting to use the key card if I don’t have to, but when again there is no answer, I swipe it and push the door open.

Even though he’d trashed our house beyond belief, I’m still not prepared for what he’s done to this room. It is just disgusting. Empty bottles of beer, champagne, and expensive liquor litter the floor, as do cigarette butts and pill bottles, and other things I am not going to dissect at the moment.

“Viva Las Vegas, indeed,” I mutter, but can’t hear myself over the loud, blaring music. Glancing around, I find the CD player it is emanating from and shut it off. The place is quiet, now, but still a complete damn mess.

There are about four doors in here, one of which is obviously a bathroom, but I can’t help but wonder why he felt the need to get a three bedroom suite. None of this makes any sense; I guess I should keep that in mind.

“Nathan?” I call tentatively, starting towards the rooms, “Are you in here? Nathan? Please?”

I hate how whiny and unsure my voice sounds, but it doesn’t matter at this point. I check both bedrooms, the master suite, where Nathan has obviously been staying, is nearly as destroyed as the living room.

“Oh, God, Nathan,” I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose. I’m just so tired. So sick of all this. And now, when I thought it would be over, when I thought I’d at least be able to look at him, see for myself that he’s physically unharmed. But he isn’t even here. I don’t know why I expected he would – it’s pushing midnight here, which is probably prime party time.

Again I’m left feeling useless – I know that there is no possible way I’d be able to find him if I went out looking, unless the best luck ever suddenly befell me, and I think the odds of that are slim to none. Not knowing what else to do, I clean off the couch and sit down, turning on the TV.

I flip past ESPN, and there is a ticker scrolling across the bottom with the comment issued by Ron, Nathan’s agent, with my approval: that Nathan is deeply sorry and regretful for the pain he has caused both his family and his team, and that he is working to resolve his current problems. Of course, it is just a standard issue message, but at least, as Dan and Luke assured me, something was out there.

I doze off and on while I wait for him, my body exhausted, but my mind still going too fast to really let my body get the rest it needs. But I am asleep when the door finally swings open, jarring me awake.

In spills not only Nathan, but three guys I don’t recognize and six big busted women that I definitely don’t know. I don’t say anything, just sit here on the couch waiting for him to notice me. A few of the girls glance my way, but they just ignore me. Clearly I’m of no interest or concern to them. In the end, it is one of his new ‘buddies’ that points out my presence by flopping down on the couch next to me declaring that he wants ‘this one’ while trying to grope my breasts. Yeah, he found some winner friends this time.

Nathan gapes at me, obviously not having expected me to find him in the least bit. He looks like ass on a stick – dark circles under his eyes, his hair messy, and his clothes wrinkly and unkempt. If I didn’t have the benefit of makeup and the presence of mind to iron my clothes, I’d probably look like that, too, right about now. But clearly, he’s been on a raging bender and has given little thought to anything but that.

At the same time that I’m getting angry with him for what he’s been doing while I’ve been identifying bodies at morgues and crying because I miss him and our daughter, I am filled with relief to see he’s physically – apparently – alright. He looks like hell, but he’s walking and talking, and God, that is what I wanted, needed, to see.

It is a good couple of minutes of silence, with the gazes of Nathan’s friends swinging back and forth between us uncomfortably.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he chokes out in a whisper, “You’re supposed to be in Tree Hill because I’m such a bad guy.”

I don’t say anything – he can goad me all he wants, but I’m not having this conversation in front of these people, these strangers.

“What? Don’t you have anything to say, Haley? You know and I know that you wouldn’t have come all this way to sit there and stare at me and my new friends, right?” I shake my head at him, wanting to look away, but can’t. “God damn it, say something!” he rages at me. “Just say it, Haley, say what a fucking failure I am, how fucking horrible I am, just fucking say it! We all know you want to! Isn’t that why you took Merry away from me? Because I’m so damn horrible?

I stand up, unwilling to let him do this now. There’s a lot I’m willing to do right now to get things back to normal with him, but letting him scream at me in front of these people isn’t one of them. So, I leave. Not the suite, but I go out on the deck and sit on the chaise lounge, arms around my legs, chin on my knees, trying like hell not to start crying already.

Someone in there turns the music on, and I can hear girly screams and appreciative cheers from the guys. I fight the urge to turn around and see what’s going on – I know that’s what he wants, to rub my face in whatever it is that he’s doing. No matter what, I don’t want to give him that satisfaction.

It just hurts, so much, that he’s in there hooting and hollering and doing whatever it is that they’re doing. For all I know, yeah, it’s a nice fringe benefit to hurt me like this, by waving it in my face, but what if things have been like this since he got here? I bite down on my lip to stop myself from crying, hard enough to draw blood.

My phone rings, and I know that it is probably Dan or Luke and that they deserve to know what is going on, but I don’t even pull it out of my pocket to check. What would I say? I’m hiding out on the balcony of Nathan’s suite while he’s screwing around with a dumb blonde with big tits? Yeah, that’s going to happen.

And I hate to sit out here and think the worst of what is going on in there, but it is pretty hard not to. Luckily, it isn’t long before the music cuts off and I can hear Nathan ordering everyone out. I stay out here, figuring that it is time for him to approach me.

“Didn’t you hear? I said everyone out,” he mutters snidely, glaring at me before turning around and stalking back into the suite.

I get up and follow him back in. “Yeah, I heard you, Nathan. I’m just not really in the mood to give into your demands right now, no matter how kindly you request them.”

“This is my hotel room, Haley, and I really don’t want you here right now.”

“Yeah? Well, too damn bad, Nathan! Do you have any idea, even the slightest, what hell you’ve put me and the rest of your family through this last week? God, do you even care?”

“Do I care? Hmm, let me think, no. Why should I care what poor, little, self-righteous Haley has been through? You’re the one that took my kid away from me. You took her across the country without my permission for no real reason.”

“You’re on drugs, Nathan,” I mutter tiredly, standing up and pushing my way past him. I want to throw my arms around his neck and beg him to hold me, but that doesn’t seem to be the way to go here. “If there’s a better reason than that, just let me know, okay?”

“You didn’t even give me a chance!” he yells, his eyes darkening in anger as he picks up a champagne flute and throws it against the wall. I cringe as it smashes into hundreds of pieces, falling to the floor. As soon as he sees me flinch, he picks up a decanter, probably a fine crystal that costs a fortune, and then tosses that at the wall, laughing as it breaks and the dark liquid inside splashes, making a huge mess.

“Why are you doing this?” I ask him, knowing that the tears are starting, “Why are you acting this way and doing these things? I just want you to get help, Nathan.”

He sneers at me, completely uncaring that he’s scaring me, which he knows. “I don’t want your brand of help, Haley. I don’t want anything from you, except for you to get the hell out of my sight. Stupid bitch.”

I gasp, moving further away from him. What do I say to him? How do I reason with him when he’s being like this? “What are you on now?” I ask, trying to veer away from the personal, “Just alcohol, or the speed, too?”

“None of your damn business. Jesus, you act like you’re my wife or something. Luckily, I was never stupid enough to make that mistake.”

That one does it. That comment sends my hand flying to my mouth in shock, hurt, dismay, everything. I back away from him further, tripping over an overturned table and falling on my ass. I can’t even hold the tears back any longer, and just give in, letting them flow freely down my cheeks. God, could this go any worse? Yes, the stitches in my hand pulled when I tried to catch my fall, and now I’m bleeding again.

“Get up,” he orders, “Get off the floor and get your fake crying ass out of her. I mean it, God damn it! I don’t want you here, Haley. Don’t you get it? I hate you! You fucked everything up!”

“Shut up!” I snap, just yelling as loud as I can, “You don’t get a say in whether I stay or go!”

“I’ll throw you out, Haley, so help me God, I mean it. I will throw you out of here, just like last week’s trash.”

“I just want to help you, Nathan. Help us and Mere,” I tell him, clenching my fingers into my palm, hoping to stop the bleeding.

“Don’t you bring her into this,” he mutters, glaring at me.

“Why not? She’s our daughter. We both love her and adore her and would do anything for her. And that’s all I want, Nathan. For her sake, I just want you to get some help. Go to rehab. Please. That’s all I’m asking.”

“All? You call that all? I’ve lost my job, Haley. I lost my girlfriend because you had to go and be so fucking stupid and selfish. And now you want me to lose my dignity, the tiny bit of it that remains, and go to rehab? You’re out of your mind.”

“You want to keep your dignity? What dignity, Nathan? You’re in Vegas, running away from your problems and making an ass out of yourself! Do you think it is dignified to bring a bunch of strangers back here to do God knows what? What were you going to do, by the way? Sleep with all of them? Watch the other guys fuck them? Come on, Nathan, just tell me! Rub it in my face some more!”

“You want to know if I’d fuck them? I guess you’ll never know, will you?” he smirks, enjoying that he’s got the upper hand right now, “And stop pretending right now that you even care, anyway. You left, you don’t get to care!”

“I left because I care!” I cry, “Why don’t you get that? Why can’t you see that you put me in this horribly impossible situation where I had to choose between doing what you wanted and doing what Meredith needed?”

“You’re bleeding,” he mutters dispassionately, not even bothering to answer my questions, “Might want to go see the doctor and get out of here or something.”

“It’s not a big deal,” I mutter back, getting up off the floor, “I’ll live, I’m sure. And I’m not leaving this room until we figure something out.”

“There’s nothing to figure out, Haley,” he grinds out, “Except whether you’d prefer to exit face first or ass first. Your choice, but either way, you’re going out.”

“Knock it off,” I growl at him, “This is bullshit. You don’t get to treat me like this, Nathan. You don’t get to act like I don’t matter to you because I know – I know – that isn’t true. I know I matter, and I don’t care what you say now, it won’t change my belief in that.”

He steps closer to me, leaning down so I can feel his breath on my cheek. The overbearing scent of rum is on his lips. “No? Nothing? How about this, Haley – I hate you.”

“Not even that, Nathan,” I respond, turning my face towards his. If he’s going to use words against me, I have no problem using proximity against him, that’s for damn sure.

“I’ll say it again,” he either warns or threatens, and I keep silent. He might think he can push me away, and I don’t know, maybe he can, but I’m not willing to let him do that yet. “I hate you, Haley. I. Hate. You.”

“Liar,” I respond softly, “I don’t believe you.”

“Believe what you want, Haley, its true. I hate you so much for leaving me. I told you that I needed you more than ever. You still walked out and didn’t even care. What’s not to hate?”

“I love you, Nathan, and you know that. And you know I would never leave you unless I felt like I had to. And seeing you now? I’m glad Mere wasn’t around for this. This isn’t you, Nathan, why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you self-destructing on me?”

“What makes you think this is about you, Haley? Maybe it’s about me wanting to get away from you!”

“Nathan,” I sigh, putting a hand on his arm.

He wrenches away from me like he was burned. “Don’t you dare fucking touch me,” he spits out, “You had your chance to be with me, but it’s gone, over. There’s nothing left here, Haley. Just crawl home with your tail between your legs, okay? Go talk more shit about me, why don’t you?”

“Knock it off, Nathan, I haven’t badmouthed you once to anyone! I would never do that, and you know it!”

”I don’t know anything about you anymore,” he retorts, “I don’t even know you. The Haley I thought I knew wouldn’t have left me, she wouldn’t have stolen my daughter from me.”

“I didn’t leave you, not in the sense you’re making it out to be, Nathan!” I plead, grabbing his arm again. He doesn’t pull away this time, but he holds himself as rigid as possible. “Please, Nathan, let’s not do this, okay? You know I love you, you know that I’d give up everything for you and Mere. Why are you making this so hard?”

“I don’t know that!” he yells, his voice starting to slur, causing me take a closer look at him. His eyes are bloodshot, red rimmed and he looks like he could sleep for a week. His skin is ashen, a little yellow.

“Nathan, what are you on? Please tell me,” I beg, tugging on his arm to get him to sit. He ignores me, though. “Nathan, I’m serious, you need to tell me. Please, you don’t look good. Please, baby, you might need to see a doctor.”

“Don’t – don’t you call me that,” he whispers harshly, “You don’t get to call me that anymore. You don’t get to call me anything. Just go, get away from me, Haley. Go!”

“I’m not leaving you, Nathan.”

“Why not? We both know how good you are at it.”

“I’m not going this time. I don’t care what you say,” I repeat, “You’re stuck with me, Nathan. And I’m going to get you help, even if I have to guilt you into it through Mere.”

“That won’t work,” he mutters, finally pulling out of my grasp.

“Then what will? Because I’ll do it. I will do whatever it is that you need me to do if it will help you, Nathan!”

“Anything?” he asks, his eyes cold and hard. Cold and hard enough to put me on immediate alert. But I just nod, that yes, I will do anything. “Strip.”

“What?” I gasp, not having seen that coming.

“Get naked and lay on the bed. Spread those legs for me, Haley. That’ll help me, since you interrupted my party,” he sneers, taking off his shirt and leering at me.

I stand there, crossing my arms over my chest, trying to block out the sudden chill I feel. He’s never been like this before, never. And it is scaring me.

“What’re you waiting for?” he taunts, unbuckling his belt and pulling it off, tossing it carelessly across the room, “Come on, strip, let me see those pretty legs.” He shakes his head when I don’t move. “Come on, Haley, isn’t this what you wanted? Your chance to make me feel better, get me better. So, do it, take your shirt off. Better yet, let me do it. You always liked it better when I did it anyway.”

“Stop it, Nathan,” I gasp out as he moves to tower over me, “This isn’t a game. I want to help you get better, not get you off.”

“Oh, come on, getting me off would help me get better, though,” he laughs, chilling me. I move away from him and he shakes his head. “So, now you want to be a frigid bitch. Go fuckin’ figure. I’m outta here.”

“No!” I exclaim, “Don’t you dare go! Don’t walk out of here, Nathan! You need to get help, you look like you’re seconds away from collapsing again!”

“Fuck you!” he yells back, “Fuck you telling me what to do, that’s bullshit! You have no right over me, no right to try and push me into doing what you want, what you think is right. You lost everything when it comes to me by leaving, Haley.”

“Nathan, no!” I cry, trying to follow him, “Please? Nathan?”

He throws his shirt back on and grabs his belt, stalking for the door. “Stay here, leave, I don’t care. Just butt the fuck out, Haley.” He glances at my hand, bobbing unsteadily in the doorway. “Just a piece of advice from your ex-boyfriend - get that hand checked out. It’s bleeding like crazy.”

I start to follow him to the door, stopping when a sparkly piece of fabric catches my eye. Hesitantly, I bend down to pick them up, dropping them almost as soon as I’ve lifted them. I glance around the floor a little more observantly this time – amidst the other trash that is littering the floor are condom wrappers to go with the souvenir pair of panties I just picked up.

“Haley,” he sighs a look I can’t quite recognize crossing his face, and I glance up at him. I don’t know what to say now – everything else, all the things he said, even that he hated me, I could ignore that. It hurt, but it was possible to block it out. But these, these suggest the one thing that I don’t know if I can handle.

“You didn’t, right?” I ask brokenly, imploring him to say he didn’t whether that is the truth or a lie. I just need to hear him say he didn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t. “Just tell me you didn’t!”

But he doesn’t say anything else, and when the door clicks shut behind him, I sink to the floor crying.

Chapter Seven – Go Your Own Way

‘If I could

Baby, I'd give you my world

How can I

When you won't take it from me

You can go your own way…’ – L. Buckingham

~*~Late June, 2013~*~

My phone rings again, and this time I let myself be startled out of my zoning to answer it. I don’t think I’ve ever been that out of it in my life. My hand is pretty torn up where the stitches pulled apart, but even that can’t keep my focus.

“Hello?”

“Hales? What’s going on? Have you seen Nathan, is he okay? Are you okay?” Luke asks, his relentless questioning getting me to force myself to sit up and focus on something other than the paint color scheme in this room.

“I saw him,” I tell him, my tone wooden, “He came back here a little bit after I got in the room. He’s gone now, though.” I pause for a minute. “Hey, Luke? Do you think there’s a doctor in the hotel?”

“What?” he snaps, “Does Nathan need a doctor?”

“No, not Nathan.” Huh, not yet, at least. I might try and kill him later, though. “The stitches in my hand pulled and it doesn’t look good.”

“How?”

“I fell, it was stupid. I was just my usual klutzy self, you know?”

“Want to meet in the lobby?” he asks, sounding worried, “We can find the doctor, and I’ll hang out with you. If it’s too late for the doctor to be here, I’ll go to the hospital with you.”

“Yeah, give me like fifteen minutes, okay?”

He doesn’t mention Nathan again, knowing me well enough to know that it didn’t go well, not at all. And that is finally something I can be grateful for. I’ll have to tell him, and it will be soon, but at least him not pressuring me now gives me a few minutes to attempt to pull myself together.

I find the bathroom, fighting the strong urge to puke as I take note of yet more condom wrappers and a bra on the edge of the huge Jacuzzi tub. God, this is nauseating. All of it is. And the worst part is that I don’t know what was really going on. The group he was with looked comfortable here, so maybe all this is their stuff. But why wouldn’t he tell me if it was, and anyway, what is the likelihood that he sat out there watching TV while people were all over the place screwing?

The only reason he wouldn’t deny it if he didn’t do it would be to hurt me. But even that doesn’t ring true right now. He is so clearly out of control, he’s lashing out, and he’s self-destructing. None of that really gives me much hope that he’d stay faithful to me when he has six other options right in front of his face.

I manage to fix my hair and even reapply some makeup. Luke is going to be upset enough when he finds out what’s going on, no need to freak him out more by looking like death warmed over. And I do look like ass, even with the new makeup. Hopefully Luke will be too unobservant to notice I’ve spent the last hour crying.

I walk slowly through the lobby, half afraid that I’ll run into Nathan. It isn’t that I don’t want to see him or that I want to avoid talking to him, but he’s so volatile and I’m not up for a public confrontation. He’s nowhere to be seen, which I’m honestly am not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad one, but it is a relief.

Luke isn’t down here yet, either, so I find a couch and park myself on it. My hand is throbbing pretty good right now, I feel like a moron for re-injuring it – that’s what I get for not wearing the splint – and everything with Nathan is weighing on me.

There are people all around, and while I usually find it interesting to watch them, there is no appeal in that now. When I finally see Luke, it is a huge relief.

“Hey,” he greets, jogging over to me, sitting next to me. “You okay or should I dramatically carry you to the hospital doctor’s office?”

I roll my eyes at him. “Yeah, more drama is just what I need in my life right now, Luke. How well you know me.”

“Sorry, bad joke,” he shrugs, peering down at my hand, “Where’s your splint, retard?”

“Well, Dr. Lucas, I had other things on my mind, and I didn’t think to grab it when I was packing. So, it’s in Seattle,” I sigh.

“Damn, I didn’t even notice you didn’t have it. Should’ve been paying more attention, I’m sorry, Haley,” he says, looking like he feels guilty.

“We all have a lot on our minds,” I shrug dismissively, “Who cares about a stupid splint, anyway, right?”

“It does look really bad,” he cringes, peeling more of the bandage away, “God, you – okay, that is sick. Oh, gross, that stitch has torn through – “

He’s looking pretty woozy, so I pull my hand away and cover it up. “Come on, tough guy. I swear, if you puke, I will kill you,” I sigh, “Let’s go get this over with. Then I can go back and see what new ways Nathan can come up with to make me feel like dirt on his shoe.”

“That bad?” he asks, some of the green leaving his face.

“It wasn’t good,” I admit, looking away. The sympathy on his face just sort of makes it worse, oddly enough.

“Want to talk about it?”

I shrug, not ready to admit to him what I found in that room, what it appears Nathan has been doing. Or who he’s been doing. I shudder, unable to stop myself. “What’s to say? He hates me. He said so. I don’t want to believe it, but I think he really might.”

“No, of course he doesn’t, Hales. He’s just mad and probably high out of his mind. God, I can’t believe he’d lash out at you after what he’s put you through.”

I smile sadly at him. “He doesn’t see that part of it, he doesn’t get that he endangered Mere or how worried I’ve been not knowing where he was. Just the part where I left and took Mere. That’s all he can see.”

“Yeah, well, I’m ready to make him see some other things,” he grumbles, sighing when he looks at me, “Sorry, I know you want to do this your way. I won’t interfere.”

“You’re not,” I assure him, “I’m just not ready to talk about it. It was too bad, so much worse than I’d even imagined.”

“Hey, it is going to be okay, Hales.”

I nod, more for his benefit than any belief I actually have in that. Because at this moment, that’s not the easiest thing in the world to believe. “Come on, let’s go find the doctor here,” I sigh, changing the subject, “It does look gross, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, just a little,” he nods, the sickly pallor returning to his cheeks, “Reminds me of when I broke my arm. God, it was grosser than that, grosser than it looked when you cut it originally.”

“I can’t believe you’re so grossed out over this!” I laugh, numb to most pain now, “You’d better never be a parent, you know parents see things ten times grosser than that on a regular basis.”

“I don’t even want to know,” he shudders.

We find the hotel doctor, who luckily is on call – apparently a lot of the drunks here have accidents, and Luke waits for me outside. I briefly consider tormenting him by requesting that he come in there with me, but I don’t. The doctor has to completely redo my stitches as well as add some new ones. I get a big lecture on taking proper care of my wound and how this is exactly why they give people splints to wear. I nod along, but am not really listening, my mind otherwise occupied.

“We should call people and let them know that he’s alive,” I say when we leave the doctor, “I know that Deb especially is probably going out of her mind right now.”

He nods. “That’s something Dan and I can do, especially if you want to continue dealing with Nathan.”

“It will be hard to deal with him if he doesn’t return to the suite, right?” I mutter, “And honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t.”

“Oh, Haley,” he sighs, pulling me into a hug, “I’m so sorry that all this is happening. You don’t deserve it, Nathan doesn’t deserve it, and Meredith sure doesn’t deserve it.”

Nathan might not deserve all of it, but a few things he’s got coming his way when he’s cleaned up his act will be more than deserved.

“I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to get through to him. He doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say. He doesn’t even want to look at me,” I whisper, trying not to cry out here in plain sight of anyone walking around. And there are plenty of people walking around, too.

“You’ll figure it out, and he’ll come around. He’s just mad right now, and probably upset with himself. He’s taking it out on you.”

”Yeah, he’s doing a great job of that,” I mumble, “But I don’t know, I really don’t. This is all so messed up. He really – he looked me in the eye, Luke, and he told me hated me. What do I do with that?”

“Don’t believe him,” he advises, “Hales, you know that isn’t true. You know that he loves you and Meredith more than anything.”

I nod, pulling out of his hug. “Yeah, well, I might know it, you might know, but if he doesn’t, what good does it do me? And if he can disregard it the way he has lately, then that doesn’t do me much good either.”

It is obvious he doesn’t know what to say, so he shrugs instead. “Want me to walk with you back up to the suite?”

I shake my head. “No, I’ll be fine.”

“How bad is he, Haley? Clearly on something?”

“Clearly,” I confirm, sighing, “And I think it might be more than one thing, too. He looks like hell, Luke, and the way he’s moving around isn’t like him at all. He’s usually so graceful and balanced, but the way he was up there, it was like if he rolled his eyes he’d fall over.”

He grimaces at the image. “If you need anything, call me or Dan. I mean it, Hales, if he’s that messed, I’m a little nervous about letting you go back there alone, anyway. Plus, if he’s so angry with you – “

“Don’t say it, don’t even think it. He wouldn’t hurt me, not physically. We all know that, Luke. God, I can’t believe you’d even think that.”

“I know you don’t want to think that of him, but Haley, he’s not in his right mind now.” I start to protest, but he won’t let me. “No, I’m serious. You’re white as a sheet, and I know it isn’t just from blood loss. Did he scare you?”

“No, Luke, he upset me! There’s a difference!” I exclaim, loud enough to draw attention. My cheeks heat at the stairs. I lower my voice, continuing, “Luke, nothing will happen, and I’ll be fine.”

“If he gets too pushy or threatening, leave. I wish we could trust him now, but we can’t. At the very least, call me. He’s just not thinking straight, Hales. I’m worried about you being alone with him for the same reason that you left with Meredith. Think about that.”

I could go off on all the ways that it is different for a twenty-five year old to be left alone with her drug using boyfriend than it is for a toddler to be left with her drug using father, but he’s stuck on this train of thought and I’m not in the mood to fight with anyone else anyway. And he’s right – I can’t trust Nathan now, even if he doesn’t know all the reasons why not.

“If I need you, I’ll call you,” I assure him.

“If you can’t get through to him, you can call us for that, too. I know you don’t think it will work, but we have to try.”

Yeah, now more than ever I think letting Dan and Luke in the same room with Nathan would be an awful idea. Like in the running for worst ever kind of awful. Blood might be shed. But if I can’t do it, can’t make him see reason, then what choice do I have?

“Thanks for everything, Luke. I know it isn’t the best thing in the world to go with someone to get new stitches in the middle of the night,” I tell him as he gets off the elevator at his floor. He nods, shuffling back towards the room he’s sharing with Dan. I give him a small wave and an even smaller smile and lean against the wall as the door closes.

I get back to the room, both disappointed and relieved that Nathan isn’t here. Definitely not surprised, though. It is three a.m. now, and I don’t know if he’ll even come back tonight.

When I was with Lucas, it was easier to pretend that things weren’t as bad as they really are. One, I didn’t want him demanding to come up here and wait with me, and two, if I started talking about it, I’d tell him. I’d tell him what I found, what Nathan didn’t say, and then I’d have to face it. Admit it. And I’m not ready for that yet. Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.

And I know I should, I know I should look around this room and take inventory of it and then, when Nathan comes back, I should make him admit whatever it is that he’s done. But I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to look around here and draw conclusions, conclusions that already are plaguing my mind. I don’t want more of those.

I don’t sleep at all. Don’t think I could if I tried, and since all of the beds and the couch are trashed, I don’t even consider trying. I just grab a sweatshirt that I packed for Nathan out of my bag and curl up out on the balcony. It is warm out here, almost hot, even in the middle of the night, so the sweatshirt is more than enough to keep my warm out here.

And at least out here I can stare at the bright lights of Vegas instead of the broken mess that Nathan has made in the hotel room and of our lives. Makes it easier to go on pretending it doesn’t exist, that it never happened.

But it did, though. No matter how much I want that knowledge to go away, no matter how convinced I have myself that it was a figment of my imagination, I know it won’t and I know it wasn’t.

I just, I wish he’d come back. Even if all he wanted to do was yell at me, at least he’d be here. And I’d know that he wasn’t lying in a gutter somewhere. Because right now, no matter how many times I assure myself he’s fine, I don’t entirely believe it. I shouldn’t have let him leave earlier. I shouldn’t have let my shock get the best of me. I should’ve done whatever it took to get him to stay, no matter how wrong it seemed then.

By eight, I can’t take it anymore and I dig my phone out, calling Brooke. I know I shouldn’t be leaning entirely on her right now, but I really can’t help it.

“Tree Hill Animal Clinic,” a too cheerful voice answers the phone at Brooke’s work, “How can I help you?”

“Is Brooke available? This is Haley James.”

“Yeah, she’s around here somewhere, let me get her for you!”

“Thanks,” I sigh, impatiently shifting in my chair as I wait for Brooke.

“Haley? Oh, my gosh, I’ve been wondering what’s going on with you guys! I thought you’d have called by now!”

“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry. It was just so late when we got here, and I didn’t want to bug you and Tim. Who knows what I would’ve interrupted, right?” I attempt to tease.

“Hey! You know we would’ve stopped the second you called!” she defends, “I can have sex with him any old time I want to, but this – this is totally a once in a lifetime thing, and I know you need me. What happened? Did you find him?”

“Yeah, I found him.” And I find that I can’t tell her, either. I don’t know why I can’t just say it, say that it really looks like he slept with a blonde bimbo or two.

“And?”

“And what, Brooke? I found him, he hates me, isn’t that enough?”

“Haley,” she sighs, her tone softening, “What happened? Just tell me, come on, you’ll feel better, I know you will.”

“Not likely,” I huff, “Look, okay, I come here to find that he’s trashing hotel rooms like he’s a fucking rock star in an 80’s metal band or something, he looks at me like he wishes I were dead, and then he tells me he hates me. Looks me in the eye, even.”

“He trashed the hotel room?” she gasps, “So he’s just been chilling in a hotel room, getting drunk or high and trashing the place?”

She sounds so confused by the notion that I almost hate to burst her bubble. And mine, too. “He wasn’t alone.”

The words are flat, almost unemotional, but there is just a fissure in them, and I know that it won’t be long before the fissure turns to a crack and it all falls apart from there.

“You’re kidding me, right?” she snaps, going into protective mode. Which is totally sweet and makes me feel a tiny bit better, but really, it doesn’t help me at all.

“Have you seen Mere today?” I ask, changing the subject like a coward, “I haven’t called Karen yet, I, uh, wasn’t ready.”

“You know she’s just fine; Karen would call you if she wasn’t. And why are you changing the subject? Come on, it doesn’t make it worse to talk about it, it just…it just makes it what it is,” she sighs, “Haley, what happened?”

”When I got here last night, he wasn’t in the suite. So I sat on the couch and waited. He showed up with a bunch of people, mostly women.”

“Oh, baby, I’m sorry,” she sighs in sympathy, “I can’t believe, even drugged up, he’d do something like this to you. I mean, I’m not the biggest Nathan defender in the world, but I know he loves you like, more than anything, and I really didn’t think he’d do something like this.”

“I don’t know what he did,” I admit, tightening my free arm around my legs, “I asked him, told him to tell me he didn’t do anything, and he just left. Just walked out without saying another word, Brooke. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to think now, let alone what I’m supposed to do. We’re all worried sick about him, and he’s down here in Vegas, I don’t know, cavorting! He – he probably did, right? He’s mad, he knows it would take a hell of a lot to push me to the point of no return, it makes sense. And I’m just so afraid that I can’t reach him.”

She’s quiet for a minute. “But on top of it all, you’re mostly just worried because you know he’s pretty far gone right now, huh?”

“Yeah, I’m really scared of what this all means. Because you were right, Nathan would never want to hurt me like this. But right now? This Nathan, he wants to hurt me more than anything. And he has that power, he can hurt me. He has hurt me. Seeing this room, that hurt. When he came back with all those people, that hurt. And finding those fucking panties and condom wrappers all around here, that hurt, too.”

“I know, I’m sorry, Haley. I can beat some sense into him, if you’d like.”

“You might have to wait in line,” I smile ruefully, “Because I think I get to be first, and Luke is already rearing to go.”

“Where are you now?” she asks,

“On the balcony of Nathan’s suite. I can’t leave, not now. Not yet. But that room, God, I need to call housekeeping and get them up here. The do not disturb sign has been up there, probably the whole time he’s been here. They’re going to have a fit when they see this place, and we’re going to get a huge damage fine.”

“Have you been out there all night?” she asks, suspicious.

“Yeah, so?” I mutter defensively, “It’s warm out here, and I just didn’t want to be in there with all that shit.”

“You know what, you need to grow a pair, Haley. Go in there and get a trash bag and start throwing shit away. Throw out all the booze first, like get it to a dumpster before he comes back, throw out any drugs you find, even if it is a bottle of aspirin, and then pick up whatever shit he’s got lying around.”

What she says makes sense, but I don’t want to upset Nathan anymore than I already have. “I don’t want to rock the boat. If he comes back and I’ve taken this place over, he’ll probably just walk right out.”

”Who fucking cares?” she explodes, “God, Haley, pull your head out of your ass and look around! Look at what he’s doing to you, and damn, baby, look at what he’s doing to himself! Throwing out the booze and drugs, yeah, it’ll make him mad, but it is also for his own damn good! You need to separate him from that shit as much as possible.”

“What you’re saying makes sense, it does, but even if I throw it all out, he’ll just go get it somewhere else.”

“So, at least then he had to work for it. Why are you so worried about making this easy on him?”

“I’m not, I just don’t want him to be angrier with me, Brooke,” I try and explain, even though it doesn’t make sense to me, either.

“Haley, I love you, and I respect you as much if not more than anyone else I know. You have the best heart and you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. So it pains me to say this, but stop being so damn stupid!”

“Brooke!”

“No, I’m serious. Look, I don’t know what Nathan did, and it sounds like you don’t either, not exactly. And I get it, that sucks. It all sucks, and it isn’t fair. But now isn’t the time for you to wallow. Now is the time for you to kick ass, take no prisoners, and get him into rehab!”

“You make it sound so easy,” I protest weakly, “And I happen to like wallowing. I’ve got nothing better to do at the moment, right?”

“Yes, you do,” she corrects, her manner more gentle this time, “You go in that room and do what I told you. Get rid of the drugs and the alcohol. Flush ‘em, find a dumpster, it doesn’t matter, just do it. And then, when you get him into a facility, you’ll come back here and we’ll wallow together, okay?”

“I wish I was there now,” I admit, “I miss Mere, and I need you guys.”

“I know, Tutor Mommy, we miss you, too. And hey, you know what? If you stay here for awhile after you get things with Nathan situated, then you’d have us!”

“I’d like that,” I smile, “It would be so nice to be home for awhile, especially after all this. And hey, if Nathan kicks me out, well, what choice would I have right?”

“Don’t joke about that,” she scolds, “It isn’t funny. And it isn’t going to happen, okay? Think positive, or whatever it is that people say.”

“Oh, Tigger, thank God for you,” I laugh.

“Yes, everyone should thank him for me. And that ingrate ass best friend of yours should be down on his knees worshipping that he’s been sent me.

“Oh, crap,” I groan, “What happened? Did he stick his foot in his mouth or something? The offer to maim him still stands.”

“Thanks,” she laughs, “I’ll probably take you up on that at some point. But he didn’t really do anything. We’re both just so freaked out about this, this us thing, and neither are willing to be the first to say we want more. You know, assuming he does.”

“He does,” I assure her, “You know he does. Hell, he told me he does!”

“Then why doesn’t he say it?” she asks in exasperation.

“Why don’t you?” I challenge her, thrilled to focus on her problems rather than mine, which have been all-consuming for too long now.

“Not fair, Tutor Mommy, to throw my question back at me.”

“Hey, Tigger, I’m just saying. It’s totally up to you and everything, but you should just go for it. Tell him you’re ready to be more than friends.”

“I’ll tell him if you take a stand with Nathan,” she says, oh so slick, “I mean, that’s a fair trade, right?”

“Yeah, right,” I say disbelieving, “Having to force your boyfriend into rehab is exactly the same as having to tell your almost boyfriend you want him to be your definite boyfriend.”

“Okay, so it isn’t equal, but they both need to be done. And on that note, my next appointment is here. So I do have to go. Call again if you need anything, okay?”

“Yeah, okay. Love you, Tigger.”

“Love you, too, Tutor Mommy.”

“Hey, kiss and hug Mere like a thousand times for me when you see her next, okay? And tell her Nathan and I love her and miss her and we’ll see her soon.”

“I will, I promise.”

Once we hang up, I stay here for a minute taking in what she said and screwing up my courage so that I can go back in the suite. It would be so much easier to stay out here and pretend like I’m oblivious to it all, but I can’t do that any longer. Brooke is right, I have to face him and not let his anger affect what I’m trying to do, which is get him help.

I walk back in there, slowly. I’m not really sure where to start since the place is in such shambles. The easiest would be to pour out all the alcohol – Nathan is going to shit bricks. Some of this stuff is really expensive. Relentlessly, though, I pour it all out except a few bottles of vintage Dom Perignon that I can give to Brooke and Tim to celebrate with when they finally just get together. Those are carefully hidden in my suitcase.

Once the alcohol is gone, I have to start searching for drugs. God, I don’t even know what I’m looking for, so I guess Brooke was right when she said flush anything and everything, even aspirin. Starting in the living room of the suite, I find a baggie of nondescript white pills, but since I’d have to be a moron to think these are aspirin, I flush them. I don’t find much out here, which makes me think that maybe he’s getting loaded somewhere else and just coming back her to do…whatever.

Once I rifle through all the drawers and crap lying around out in the living room area of the suite, I head for the bedrooms. These are the rooms I really don’t want to go in right now and don’t even want to think about now, but if Nathan has more stuff stashed here, it is without a doubt in here or the bathroom, which is wholly horrible for me.

I go into the master bedroom first, figuring it will be best to get the worst over with first. I barely register anything in here, besides a few more bottles of alcohol that I immediately take to the bathroom and dispose of. But I don’t let myself notice anything else, instead focusing entirely on my search. The only thing I find besides a few more bags of pills are two small vials of white powder, which only leads to one assumption and adds to my ever growing pile of regrets and fears.

“Oh, Nathan, what the hell are you doing to yourself?” I sigh aloud, knowing now even more than before that Brooke is right, he needs help immediately. And I have to stand firm, can’t give him the slightest leeway in this.

Parts of the room are trashed beyond repair. It is so bad that I honestly cannot tell if there was a wild party in here or if Nathan was just unleashing some of his anger. I am tempted to call for housekeeping as Brooke suggested, but it is so bad in this place that we’d be kicked out immediately. So I grab the garbage can and throw away as much of this stuff as I can, pile his clothes up on the bed, and carefully pick the broken bits of glass out of the carpet myself.

When I’m done in here, I do the same thing in the other two bedrooms, luckily only turning up more booze, not drugs. At least that was one small favor, I guess. It takes almost two hours just to pick up the trash and glass in the bedrooms, and by the time I finish in there, the lack of sleep and food has caught up to me, and I’m exhausted. The thought of calling Dan and Luke crosses my mind, and while I told Brooke what I found in here, I’m still not ready to tell them, especially Dan.

It is so weird how this is going – just when I think I’m getting a handle on how things are, where we’re at, something else happens or I find something else. It’s all snowballing right now to the point where I don’t have to deal with one thing before another comes along, let alone catch my breath. Hell, since I’ve been here for less than twenty-four hours, I’ve seen evidence Nathan might have cheated on me and evidence he’s upgraded in his drug of choice. How do you deal with one of those, let alone both?

It takes three hours to clean the bathroom and living room area of this place. And that’s just picking up the trash and piling up stuff that isn’t trash. Most of it is trash, though. There are a few things I won’t touch, though, like those fucking sparkly panties that I can’t help but stare at every time I pass as well as the bra in the bathroom or the condom wrappers.

By the time I’m done, it is pretty late afternoon, and Nathan still isn’t back. At this point, it’s hard to tell if he’s just avoiding me or if something has happened to him. I’m about to call Dan and Luke to see what they think I should do when the door opens and he walks in, somehow looking even worse than yesterday.

“Aw, honey, you cleaned. You are good for something besides leaving,” he slurs in a mutter, his voice dripping with exaggerated sarcasm.

“Where have you been, Nathan?” I ask quietly. He just stares at me defiantly, clearly not into answering questions. “Come on, Nathan, are you okay?”

“Why do you care?”

“Nathan, you look half dead, you’re dirty, your skin is a sickly pale yellow color, and you can barely stand up straight, let alone speak! You need to tell me right now if you’re okay or not!”

“I asked why you cared,” he repeats, ignoring my concern over his appearance, “So if you aren’t going to tell more lies on that one, then I don’t think there’s anything else to say right now. I could use a nap. Long night.”

He tries to wink at me after saying ‘long night’, but that’s yet another bodily function he can’t control and he winds up giving me an exaggerated blink.

“You know why I care, and when you’re sober, you’ll understand why I’m so damn worried about you right now, Nathan.”

“No, no I won’t. I’ll never understand, Haley.” He looks so tired, and as he sinks down into one of the chairs, he looks small, too. Lost.

“Nathan, please,” I whisper, kneeling in front of him, putting my hands on his thighs. No matter what he’s done since I left Seattle, when it comes down to it, I’d still do almost anything for him. Even if he found forty women to sleep with since then, I’d still love him and still be willing to lay it all on the line for him. I don’t know if I can forgive or forget, but I’ll still love him. I don’t think I can turn that part of me off. And that scares me, but it is what it is. And right now, laying it on the line to get his drugged up ass into rehab is what I have to do.

“Please, what, Haley?” he mumbles, not even opening his eyes to look at me. He’s starting to shiver, so I move to go get a blanket, but he grabs my hand, stopping me. “Don’t go.”

“I’m not, baby, I’m just getting you a blanket. Do you want to move to the couch?”

“I want to go home,” he whispers, his voice small and childish, tugging lightly on my hand, “Can we go home?”

“Nathan,” I whisper back brokenly, tears filling my eyes, knowing that ‘home’ is never going to be what it was before this, “We’ll go home. But I need to get you help first.”

“No, I don’t – “ he starts to say, but is interrupted by a coughing fit, “I don’t need any help. Just need to go home.”

I move closer to him within the v of his legs. “Nathan, listen to me, baby, you look awful. You sound awful, and I need you to get better. Mere needs you to get better.”

“I’m fine, it’s all fine,” he insists, his eyes rolling around in his head.

“Nathan?”

“Huh?”

“I’m going to call the hotel doctor, you look really bad, baby.”

“No, I’m fine, I told you.” His slurring is getting worse, and his eyelids are drooping. “I just want to go home. That’s all, home.”

“Come on, Nathan, you need to at least lie down. When was the last time you slept?”

“When did you and Mere leave? I think that was the last time I slept,” he asks, and I have to wipe more tears away.

”Oh, Nathan,” I sigh, standing up. I grab his hands, trying to urge him to his feet. “Come on, let’s get you into bed.”

“No, I don’t want to go in there,” he frowns, his eyes still closed, “I just want to stay here. Sit with me.”

It’s tempting, so tempting. And it would be easy, too, to climb on his lap and let him put his arms around me. But it won’t do us any good, it won’t do him any good. And that’s the whole point of this, is getting him help. And me sitting on his lap won’t do anything in terms of that.

Before I have to make a decision, though, he’s on his feet stumbling towards the bathroom making gagging noises. He doesn’t make it, puking on the carpet a few yards away from the chair. If I didn’t know how desperately he needed to get whatever is in his system out, I’d probably find this irritating, but in some ways, it is a relief.

I help him to his feet and direct him to the bathroom. After he’s settled on the floor and marginally cleaned up, I give him a glass of water and go back out to clean up the mess. It doesn’t take long, since all he puked up is a green foam. That would freak me out if the same thing hadn’t happened once with Brooke when we were in college. Of course, she wasn’t on drugs at the time, just tons of alcohol-soaked fruit that did her in.

“Nathan, you okay?” I call when the retching noises stop, “Nathan?”

He doesn’t answer me, and I abandon my attempt at cleaning the rug and run back in there. He’s sprawled across the toilet and for a minute I’m afraid he’s passed out, but then he raises his head and looks at me.

”Sorry I puked,” he groans.

“It doesn’t matter,” I dismiss, “That’s the least of our worries, right?”

“Maybe,” he agrees, making the visible effort to again lift his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Nathan, its okay. We have a two year old, I’m pretty sure both of us have seen worse things than a little vomit,” I assure him.

“Not sorry for that this time,” he mumbles.

“We don’t have to talk about the other stuff now, we’ll worry about that later, when we get home, okay?” I wince.

There’s a knock at the door then, interrupting before he can reply to that. It is either Dan and Luke or housekeeping, and neither is a good thing right now.

“I’ll be right back, Nathan,” I promise him, releasing the hold I had on him.

I check the peephole, groaning to see Dan and Luke standing there nervously with their hands in their pockets. This is definitely worse than it being housekeeping showing up, I think. How could it not?

I open the door, quickly stepping out into the hall. “What are you guys doing here?” I whisper, “Luke, I told you I’d call you if I needed anything.”

“Haley, that was almost twelve hours ago. And now you haven’t called back and I was worried that maybe you weren’t okay.”

“I told you I’d call! Come on, Luke, he’ll flip if he – I’m sorry, I really am and I wish it wasn’t this way, but it is. He’s barely letting me be around him right now.”

“Maybe she’s right,” Dan sighs, disappointment surfacing amidst the worry, “We just wanted to see he’s alright.”

“I know,” I sigh, softening. I feel like shit doing this because I know how genuinely worried they are, but I can’t add to Nathan’s stress right now, and this would. Seeing them would.

“Don’t feel bad about it,” Dan orders me, “How is he doing? Is it as bad as it was last night? Luke said it didn’t sound very good.”

“He’s – you know what? I don’t know. He looks like hell, he’s hugging the toilet right now, but he isn’t screaming at me, and that’s an improvement from where I stand. I poured out all the alcohol I could find in there, I flushed the drugs, so maybe he’ll sober up and we can actually talk. I don’t know.”

Neither of them look like they know what to say, so Luke shoves a hand out, giving me a sack. “Food,” he says, “If you haven’t left this place at all today, I figured you might want something to eat. There’re bagels and some other stuff in there. If he’s puking, it might be good for him to have something in his system to soak up any alcohol he’s consumed.”

“Thanks,” I smile, “I really appreciate it. And I’m sorry that I’m shutting you guys out of this, it’s just – “

“Yeah, we know,” Luke groans, “He’d hate it if we were here.”

“I’m sorry.”

“We know,” Dan says again, “But Haley, he’s going to have to face us sooner or later.”

“Yeah, of course,” I agree, “And I promise I’ll call you now if I need you, okay? I just don’t want to overwhelm him right off the bat, especially now that he’ll talk to me a little.”

“Haley?” Nathan calls, rather weakly, from inside the suite.

“Go,” Luke sighs, rubbing a hand over the back of his head, “He needs you, Hales, go take care of him. And when he’s well enough to hear what we have to say, call us.”

I nod, waving to both as I step back inside with the bag of food they brought. Nathan is in the process of trying to crawl to the couch. I set the bag down and rush over to help him.

“Nathan, I’d have helped you,” I gently scold him, “You shouldn’t tax yourself too much.”

God, I don’t even know if that’s true. Why didn’t I think about these things, think about the stuff I’d need to know to properly deal with someone who has been using drugs. I should’ve spent the last week doing research, not moping around feeling sorry for myself and panicking. Right now I should know what he needs, but I have no clue and that just makes everything seem so much worse.

“I can get to the couch,” he slurs. Shouldn’t he be sobering up now that he got some – a lot – of that stuff out of his system?

“Let me help you the rest of the way,” I insist, moving towards him. He shakes his head, though, so I back off.

“How’d you find me?” he mumbles as he pulls himself onto the couch.

“Bank records,” I sigh, brushing a strand of hair out of my face, “We looked all over for you in Seattle, if it had been suggested sooner, maybe I could’ve found before – before – before - ?”

“Before what?”

“Before all this, before you got to this point. Then again, if I’d paid attention, maybe it would never even have gotten to this point at all, right?” I laugh self-deprecatingly.

He doesn’t respond, just tries to focus his eyes enough to stare at me. Even though he’s here and I’m here, there is still this huge gap between us, a chasm I know is growing wider by the second. It has been so long since I’ve felt so far apart from him, and it scares me to feel this way again. And maybe it is worse, this time around. Drugs and alcohol and drug and alcohol induced other women aren’t exactly the same as being broken up and pushing each other away.

“Not as bad as you think,” he says, still slurring badly, “I can stop anytime I want to.”

Oh, he really believes this. He does, it’s so obvious. How am I ever going to make him see that he needs help? He doesn’t believe it, he doesn’t want to believe it, and he probably won’t. What will it take to get him some damn help?

“You want a bagel?” I ask, not responding to his slurred declarations.

He looks at me like I’m crazy before shaking his head ‘no’. “Not hungry.”

“When was the last time you ate?” I ask gently.

He shrugs, lifting his eyelids slightly to look at me. “I don’t think I remember that. It must’ve been not too long ago, though.”

I nod, not sure what to say or do. Should I press the issue, make him eat? Should I let it go? What am I supposed to do?

“You can leave, Haley,” he tells me, his eyes closed, “You don’t have to stay and baby-sit me. I know you’d rather be in Tree Hill with the people that really matter to you, right?”

“I’m not leaving you.”

“Why not? You should. Where’s Meredith? She needs you, I don’t – I don’t like that you left her there. That’s where she is, right?”

“Yeah, she is. And she’s fine. Karen and Keith have her, and everyone else is helping out and taking her places and spoiling her rotten.”

He nods, raising a hand to rub over his eyes. “She must miss us,” he sighs, choking up, “She’s never been away from you like this.”

I nod, tears springing to my own eyes. “Yeah, I know. I hate it, I really do, but I couldn’t leave you alone, not now. I know you want me with her, but it’s you, and I know she’s safe, but I didn’t know if you were.”

“I’m fine!” he snaps, “I’ve told you that! Jesus, Haley, I don’t need you here, I don’t even want you here. Just go back and be with Mere or something.”

“Nathan, I’m not leaving you!” I say firmly, resolutely, “Not until I get you help. I know you don’t like that, and you know what? You don’t have to. But I am going to be your fucking shadow until you get the treatment and help that you need. Because right now, you’re spiraling, Nathan. And I know things suck for you in terms of basketball, but you have a life. You have a damn good life, too.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What? What do you think it means? It means why are you willing to throw it all away on some wasteful drug habit? God, Nathan, you are so talented in so many ways, but you don’t even care! All you care about is basketball, it’s like that is all you can see sometimes!” I growl, my voice raising a little.

“Oh, cut the crap,” he slurs, trying to push himself up from the couch, “You know basketball is just a job for me.”

“Oh, my God,” I breathe, shaking my head at his delusions and denials, “How can you say that with a straight face? People who do something that is just a job don’t take drugs to get better at said job, Nathan! That’s not how it works!”

“What would you know?” he yells, “You work part time from home! You don’t have a job that you chased for your entire life! So how would you know that’s not something people do?”

I take a step backwards. “You can tell yourself whatever it is you need to stay in denial, Nathan. But I’m not going to give you that same peace of mind. Because you messed up. You are messed up. Yeah, I know there were shitty circumstances, and God, baby, I’m sorry that they’re there. But you’ve made choices, too, and turning to drugs, I don’t get it. At all.”

“Why do you insist that this is the end of the world? Jesus, Haley, it’s nothing. I’ve told you that too many times now. If you’d listen and think about it, you’d see it was nothing.”

“Nothing? So, last night, those people, they were figments of my imagination?” He shifts uncomfortably on the couch. “And the panties lying on the floor in here amongst condom wrappers? Or the bra in the bathroom? Also my imagination?”

“I didn’t say that,” he groans, looking at the floor, “But maybe you’re making an unnecessarily big deal out of them. Don’t you think?”

“Why don’t you tell me what to think,” I suggest, fighting tears, “Because right now, I’m thinking that while your entire family has been freaking out over your disappearance, you’ve been in Las Vegas, living some sort of high life.”

“Yeah, it’s great, being cut off from your daughter,” he snarls, but it’s weak. He’s clearly exhausted and sick. “Why are you even here, Haley? You don’t want to be, if you think all that shit about me. So, why are you?”

”I love you, Nathan,” I say after a moment, “And that kind of hurts right now, and I might hate myself a little for it, but I can’t change it. And I’m not letting you throw your life away.”

“It’s my life,” he points out, perhaps rightfully, “And I can do whatever the fuck I want with it, so you should really butt out.”

“Yeah, well, you’re the father of my daughter. And although I’m not sure right now if this is good or bad, you’re the love of my life. And if for no other reason, then Meredith is enough to push me into pushing you to get your ass some help. This is bullshit, Nathan. You have a family, you have a beautiful house, you have a savings account. You aren’t going to die because you lost your job.” I shake my head at him. “But you are selfish. You clearly don’t care much about me or our daughter – look at what you’ve done, Nathan!”

He rolls his eyes, which could be his attitude right now or the drugs. “You don’t know anything about it. And if you think you can invoke my daughter’s name as some sort of guilt trip, then you’ve got another thing coming.”

“She’s not a guilt trip, Nathan, she’s your reality check!” I yell, not caring anymore. He’s on drugs, he’s sleeping around, and I’m sick of protecting his feelings. “She’s your daughter, who loves you, who I know you love, and if you had even an ounce of decency in you now, you’d realize that you’re worthless to her like this.”

“Get out,” he mumbles.

“No,” I respond, standing firm, “I’m not going to let you drown in a pool of your own damn vomit, Nathan.”

“Fine,” he smirks, weaving as he gets to his feet, “You can watch me party them. It’ll be fun, Haley, maybe you and your goody two shoes ass can join in.”

I roll my eyes as he starts looking through the cabinets for, presumably, his alcohol stash. He then checks the mini-bar and fridge, again coming up empty. “It’s all gone, Nathan.”

“W-what?” he stammers, looking desperate and panicked, “How could you do that to me? Is it a crime for a man to want to come back to his place and have a drink?”

“This is pathetic,” I mutter to myself, going over to dig into the bag that Dan and Luke dropped off. As promised, there are bagels, but also a box of donuts and some cheese and crackers. I shake my head as he heads for the bedroom, tearing apart his suitcase for the drugs I’d already found and flushed.

“Where are they?” he yells as he stomps back out here. He’s acting like a child, and while I know a large part of that is the drugs, I know another part of it is the petty need to punish me for leaving him.

“Where do you think, Nathan?” I respond calmly, “I flushed them. You think I’m staying in a hotel room you’ve filled with your hoodrat sluts and drugs? Think again.”

“So fucking leave!” He shakes his head. “How fucking self-righteous are you if you think you can come here and dictate my life to me?”

“And how selfish are you?” I retort, “Because this is my life, too. And our daughter’s. But obviously, neither of us are much of a concern to you, are we, Nathan? Because if we were, you wouldn’t be down here screwing around, trashing places, and doing drugs, right?”

He glares at me then kicks out his foot, knocking over an end table that had a lamp on it. I cringe as the lamp shatters. “Fuck it, I’m out of here.” He smirks at me before turning around. “Next time you should check my pockets. I still had a few pills left.”

“Nice, Nathan, real nice,” I mutter to his back as he stalks out of here. Judging by his perked up energy level, he probably took them when he was in the bathroom while I was talking to Dan and Luke.

Speaking of whom, I grab my phone and punch in Luke’s number. They’re right, I can’t do this alone. I don’t even want to do this alone, and I’m sure as hell having no success doing it alone.

“Hales?” he answers.

“You guys should come back now,” I tell him.

“What happened?”

“I’ll tell you when you get down here. He’s gone, by the way. I threw out all the pills, all the booze, and the vials of cocaine I found, but apparently, he had some on him. I – let’s just talk about this when you guys get up here.”

“Uh, yeah, sure, Hales. We’re on our way up,” he says quietly.

“Thanks, Luke.”

It doesn’t take them long to get here, and I usher them in, following to sit on the couch.

“This place, uh, what happened here?” Dan asks, gesturing around.

“Nathan had a few parties,” I guess, just spitting out the words matter-of-factly, “And he had some party guests. A few creepy guys who were probably just using him for his cash or connections, and more than a few women.”

Luke opens his mouth to say something, but just closes it. Dan shakes his head, stepping forward to hug me. “I’m sorry, Haley.”

“Me, too. I really am,” I agree, “Sorry it’s come to this, sorry that I don’t know how to fix this, for any of us.”

“It isn’t your job to fix it,” Dan tries to tell me, “Nathan, he needs to fix some things, too. Take responsibility for what he’s done.”

“He’s not there yet,” I sigh, pulling away to look at them both, “He isn’t. I saw it, clearly, for the first time. He’s just – yeah, he’s in denial about himself. He doesn’t see what he’s doing to himself.”

“Or to anyone else,” Luke concludes.

“No, he doesn’t,” I agree, “And I – this isn’t – I mean, I just don’t know if I can help him. He’s so far gone, but at the same time, not far enough that he’s got a wakeup call yet.”

“What are we going to do then?” Luke asks, shaking his head, “Because we can’t force him into rehab. That would never work, and I mean, we just can’t. But we can’t sit back and let this continue. What would happen next? How far would he go?”

I close my eyes not wanting to think of the possibilities. Because none of them are good. None. But they’re real and they’re vivid and I have to admit that some of them will probably happen. I don’t like it, but it’s true. He’s too far gone, and all he wants to do is hurt me.

“Luke, he’s been screwing random sluts and snorting cocaine, how far do you think he’d go?” I snap out, biting my lip hard when I realize what I said. “God, I’m sorry.”

“Cocaine?” is all Dan can ask.

I nod. “I find a few little vials of it in his stuff when I was going through it earlier. I got rid of it, flushed it, but he could get more. He probably has by now.”

Luke shakes his head. “Well, will you go back to Tree Hill now? God, Haley, you shouldn’t be around him like this.”

“What difference does it make now? It’s already out on the table, Luke. Even if he wasn’t sleeping with any of those girls, he’s got me thinking he did, which, yeah, that’s what he wants right now. He wants to make me suffer.”

Dan is wandering around the room, looking at all the damage that’s been done and shaking his head. “Look at this, it’s even worse than what he did to your house.”

I shrug, not sure if I agree. At least here, this isn’t our place, it isn’t our sanctuary. But he destroyed our home, and that’s so different than this. Worse in a propriety sense, but not near as bad on a personal level, at least for me.

“I can’t stay here,” Dan mutters, surprising me and by the look on Luke’s face, him, too. “I’ll be back, I’m not leaving. I just need to get out, think for awhile.”

“Dad,” Luke starts, pulling him into a hug, “We’re gonna get him back, Dad.”

Dan nods, pulling away. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m starving. I’ll go get us some food and bring it up here. Guess we don’t want anyone on the hotel staff seeing the redecorating job that Nathan’s done until we’re ready to leave, huh?”

“Probably not,” I agree, sighing.

“Dad, you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Dan assures Luke, “Just need to get out and call Deb, too. She’s, well, she’d be pretty pissed at me if I didn’t keep her updated.”

Luke and I both nod and give him brittle smiles. We are all so on edge with this that I really hate to see what will happen when Nathan comes back to find them here, too. He’s strung out on drugs and we’re all worried and angry with him. It’s going to be a great conversation, I’m sure. The Scott men can’t even argue normal when they’re all sober and in relatively good moods – there is no hope for this.

Once he’s gone, Luke looks over at me. “You didn’t tell me this earlier,” he comments, “Why not? Afraid I’d come up here and kick his ass on your behalf? Because I might’ve.”

“Honestly, it has nothing to do with that and everything to do with the fact that every time I say it, every time I say those words out loud, they become more real. And I’m getting enough reality with him being an asshole to me and telling me he hates me, Luke. I don’t need that reality, too.”

“How’s that denial working out for you then?” he questions, raising his eyebrows at me.

“Shitty,” I admit, “But what else is there? Stand here and stare at that fucking pair of panties? Curse like a sailor at you, at Dan, at Nathan? None of that will do me any good, right?”

“I guess not,” he shrugs, pacing around. “I wish I knew what to do, I wish I’d checked into things more so I knew how to get him help. I mean, I know the basics, what steroids can do to a guy. And I know what methamphetamines can do, too. And as scary as those things are, what is even scarier is not knowing how to help someone who is using them. Abusing them.”

I nod, knowing what he means. “I don’t remember much about this stuff, either. Just the basics, like how addiction is a disease because it changes how the brain works. Which freaks me out, but I know he can get help. I’m just scared he’ll never want to.”

“He’ll bottom out sometime,” he sighs, “I just worry about how far down bottom is.”

“Me, too,” I whisper, staring at the wall, “He’s not close yet, I don’t think. He told me that he only thinks of basketball as a job.”

“Basketball was never defined in just one word, not for him, Dan, or myself. He’s deluding himself if he thinks it can be.”

I roll my eyes at him. “He’s completely deluded. The only sign of my Nathan was when he talked about Mere. That was it.”

“But even talking about her doesn’t snap him out of it?”

I shake my head. “Nope, doesn’t seem to.”

“You’re, uh, remarkably calm about this,” he says, looking at me like I’m losing my mind, “What’s that all about?”

“I don’t know,” I admit, “I’ve cried so much and I know I’ll be crying more before this is over, but right now, it’s just numb, Luke.”

“Oh,” he murmurs, at a loss for words.

“And I’m scared I’ll break,” I admit in a whisper, “Like, I’m just so terrified that maybe the next bad thing that happens, or the one after that, or even five down the line, it will just make me snap. Go over the edge. And I’ll break.”

“You won’t break, Hales,” he starts to assure me, but I cut him off.

“How do you know that? I sure as hell don’t know it. It feels like, right now, right this second, that I’m splintering, fracturing apart.”

“That’s just a feeling, Hales. You’re really strong, a lot stronger than most of us, myself included, give you credit for.”

“I don’t feel strong right now, Luke. I feel like every decision I make is the wrong one, and that in some ways, I have myself to blame for this. I know what you’re going to say, but still – I should’ve known, seen the signs. They were there, Luke. He was acting differently, spending more time away from me,” I ramble, “And I didn’t even think of why he might be doing it, just that I didn’t like it. Even this, him being here doing what he’s doing, that’s my fault, too.”

“Bullshit!” Luke explodes, “That is bullshit, Haley! Yeah, the drugs have fucked him up, but he’s making his own decisions!”

“I know,” I agree, sighing, “But I pushed him, you know? By leaving. And you know what really sucks? After the last twenty-four hours? I’m more convinced than ever that taking Mere was the right thing to do. Because God, Luke, I really think that even if I’d stayed, when all this stuff with the team went down, he’d have ended up here, anyway.”

“Yeah, he probably would have. No matter what. So stop beating yourself up about it, Haley. You’ve done what you can.”

I shake my head. “I don’t think I can leave him until I get him help, Luke. I just can’t.”

“How long are you willing to stay, Hales?” he asks, “Because you have a daughter who is dying for you to come home for her.”

“She’s part of the reason I have to stay!” I exclaim, “She adores her daddy, Luke, and she needs him. But she needs him healthy and sober.”

“So, you think it would do her more good for you to stay here and baby-sit Nathan than be there with her daily?”

“Yes, no – I don’t know, Luke!”

He squints at me, weighing his words. “It isn’t my place to interfere or tell you what to do – “

“So, don’t,” I interrupt.

He laughs a little at that, continuing ruefully, “Well, I’m going to anyway. But my point is, maybe there is more you can do for Mere now than there is for Nathan.”

“I have to try, Luke. I owe that to him.”

“He’s my brother, and I want to support him right now. And I know you do, too. But you don’t owe him anything right now, Haley. You’ve already been more patient throughout this than he deserves, and what has it gotten you?”

“Luke, stop,” I sigh, not wanting him to detail out all the ways my life has been turned upside down and crapped on lately.

“No, Haley! Face the facts here, he cheated on you! He brought drugs into your house, he got fired from his job for being on those drugs, and now he’s doing whatever he can to hurt you, right?”

“Thanks a ton for the recap on how much my life sucks,” I snap, “Maybe you can get a job doing that, okay?”

“I’m sorry, I know you don’t want to talk about it and I know you don’t want to hear it. But we’ve already got Nathan living in denial, we don’t need you there, too.”

“I’m – I’m not. I know what he’s done, and I know that some of it is pretty despicable. Believe me, I’m well aware,” I sigh, “But Luke, it’s Nathan. And I love him. Even if he – he – “

I dissolve into tears, not resisting when he pulls me to him in a hug. When he starts trying to assure me that it will all be okay, I start sobbing harder.

“Hey, shh, Hales, come on, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m sorry.”

“It isn’t you,” I gulp out between sobs, “It’s me, it’s all of this. I just want it to go away, I want to pretend it never happened, that he was sleeping with any of those girls, but I can’t. I know I can’t, and I hate that. I just wish that we could all forget about it, and maybe then things would be okay. Maybe then things could go back to normal. Why can’t I have ‘normal’ again?”

There’s a knock on the door, and Luke pulls away from me indicating he’ll answer it. I nod, and take a seat on the couch, pulling my legs up to my chest and resting my chin on my knee. It’s Dan, I see, and bless his heart, he’s back with several bags of takeout. I dry my eyes as best I can, trying to get my breathing under control.

“I didn’t know what you guys would want, so I got a little of everything,” Dan gives by way of explanation for the large quantities of food he’s brought in here. Not that I’m complaining, I haven’t had a decent meal in a day and a half.

“That’s great, Dad,” Luke smiles, clapping him on the shoulder, “You know me, I’m always starved no matter what time of day or night it is.”

“It’s true,” I agree, putting the tears away for now, greedily open cartons and shoveling food onto a plate, “He’s like the human version of those dinosaur garbage disposals that the Flintstones had.”

“You think of weird things,” Luke tells me, nudging me, “Give me the fork for the beef broccoli, please.”

“You’re so bossy,” I roll my eyes at him, “Have you always been like this? Because I could’ve sworn that I would have kicked you to the curb if you were always like this.”

Dan chuckles at us, shaking his head. “I spoke with Deb, Haley. She has Meredith for the night, and it sounds like they’re having a great time together.”

I nod, happy for them. But it also calls attention to the fact that yet again, I didn’t call her. Maybe Luke is right, maybe I should be back in Tree Hill with her. Sure, she’s an adaptable child, but that doesn’t mean she should be left alone by both her parents while they went through their freak show dramas a few thousand miles away.

“I’m glad, but I do miss her an awful lot.”

“Yeah, everyone knows that, Haley,” Dan tells me, “And Deb says she’s really missing you a lot. She cried for you a couple of times. It’ll be quite the reunion when you get back to her.”

I know there is a pained look on my face solely due to the sympathetic glances Luke keeps shooting my way, but Dan is oblivious. “Yeah, I can’t wait to see her and hold her.”

“Hopefully it won’t be much longer,” Dan sighs.

“I’m sure it won’t be,” Luke jumps in, knowing how talk of Mere and being away from her is going to go over with me if it keeps up, “We’ll have to confront Nathan ASAP and hopefully get him into a position where he can accept help soon.”

“Assuming he comes back,” I sigh, “And I was a moron who told him how we found him. You know, he was so out of it, just sitting in the chair saying that all he wanted was to go home, so when he asked, I told him. God, how stupid could I be?”

“We’ve all made mistakes in how we’ve gone about dealing with him,” Dan sighs, “I should’ve been thinking about his career and doing damage control before yesterday morning. I should’ve taught him, when he was a kid, that it is just a game. I thought he’d learned that in high school, but I guess he never did. Hell, there are so many other things I could’ve done.”

“Dad, come on,” Lucas says plaintively, “This isn’t about that, this is about him trying to hold onto his career.”

“A career that I taught him to put above everything else, Luke. You know that,” he sighs, “Better than anyone but him, right?”

“Stop it, let’s stop,” I break in, “This isn’t doing any of us any good. And you know what else? Luke is right, Nathan has to take responsibility for himself. I’m not his keeper, and you’re not his keeper, either. We found him, and I tried to talk to him, but he doesn’t care. So, when he comes back, the two of you will try and talk to him, and maybe then we’ll get somewhere. We’re doing the best we can with what the situation is.”

“Of course, but we can help him, too,” Dan states, although I don’t even think he believes it anymore. None of us do, not really. Because he doesn’t want our help.

“We can try, anyway,” Luke cuts in, “But he’s going to have to let us. Until then, what can we do?”

We’re talking in circles here, and it is driving me crazy. I have nothing to focus on, nothing to grasp a hold of, no anchor. So I drift in circles with them, never getting anywhere, never making progress, just ending up in the same places having the same conversations over and over again. And the worst part is, I can see the edge, but I can’t get close enough to grab it.

It is beginning to make me dizzy, too, all of this circling. Passing the same scenery, hearing the same things and not being able to change any of it is wreaking havoc on me physically and mentally. If Brooke, Karen, Deb, or Melissa saw me now, they’d drag me off to eat something and then toss me off to bed. I know I’m losing weight, my clothes are loose now, and it isn’t like looking good has been foremost on my mind each morning. Add in the red-rimmed eyes from the crying, and it isn’t a pretty picture.

We all fall silent as we eat, and perhaps they too realize the futility of our conversations about all this. That this is something we’re going to have to deal with as it happens, if only because Nathan is so unpredictable now.

The door flies open, and in comes Nathan – along with his little gang of hanger-on’s, including a few more women this time. Most of them file right past Dan, Luke, and I at the table for the main living room area, but a few do have the decency to pause when they see us.

Nathan is the last in, laughing at something one of the guys with them says to him. He stops short when he sees that Dan and Luke are here, both of whom have inscrutable looks on their faces right now. He glares at me for a second before turning back to them, almost daring them to say something.

They don’t, though, so he makes the next move, smirking at me before speaking. “Dad, Luke, it’s good to see you! You’re both single, too, right? Come on and enjoy the party. And Haley, you can, too. I’m sure I could talk one of the guys here into taking you back to his room after awhile.”

Luke’s jaw clenches, but he doesn’t say anything. Dan stands up, moving over to Nathan. “Why don’t we get rid of these people and talk, son?”

“Don’t listen to her, Dad,” he sneers at me, “She’s just bitter and mad and selfish.”

I shake my head, looking down at the table. All of this is so humiliating, and he’s doing it on purpose. He wants me to feel like this, feel awful and embarrassed, and he’s doing a great job of that.

“Don’t do this, Nathan,” Dan warns, “Don’t do or say anything else you’re going to regret. You’ve already got a ton of that on your plate right now.”

“Oh, how would you know?” Nathan yells at him, causing the attention of almost everyone here to snap towards him, “It isn’t like you know me or anything. I doubt you even care that much. And what are you doing here, anyway? Did Haley call you, tell you to come running because I was in trouble?”

“We’re here because we care about you and we’re worried about you,” Luke tells him in a low voice, “You think about getting help yet, man?”

“Like I told Haley, I don’t need anyone’s help. Especially hers, but you two aren’t far behind on the list of people I want nothing from.”

The people who came back here with Nathan are hanging on our every word, and I can’t take it anymore. “Get out,” I order them, my voice chilly to my own ears, “Get the hell out of here, all of you.” I get up from my chair, walking towards them. “I mean it, every single damn one of you needs to leave right now.”

“No, they don’t, Haley. I’m paying for this suite, they can stay,” Nathan contradicts. But they do leave, some of them looking reluctant to do so. “You bitch,” he mutters to me when they are all gone. Both Dan and Luke look shocked by his behavior. I know how they feel – until you experience it for yourself, you have no idea how bad it is.

I just ignore him. It hurts, but what can I do? From trying, I already know there isn’t much I can say right now that will get a positive reaction out of him, so I’m not going to fall over my feet to do just that.

“Come on, don’t you have anything to say to that?” he continues to taunt, “Don’t you have some heartfelt plea to make now? Or what? Was I interrupting this cozy little meal? Who’s your next victim, Haley? Luke or my dad?”

“Nathan,” I gasp, taking a staggering step backwards.

Luke jumps up from his spot at the table, lunging for Nathan. “You son of a bitch!” he yells as he slams him back into the wall.

“Lucas!” I scream as Dan pulls Luke off of Nathan. “Oh, my God,” I mutter, trying to take deep breaths.

Dan drags Luke out to the balcony, shutting the door behind them, leaving Nathan and I to stare at each other. I look away first, not able to maintain the eye contact. Cowardly, maybe, but it just hurts.

“Why’d you bring them here, Haley?” he asks quietly, the most rational he’s sounded since I saw him yesterday.

“Because I didn’t know if I could help you. And unfortunately, I was right, wasn’t I? God, Nathan, what are you doing? Why are you hanging out with those people?”

“At least they want to be around me,” he says defiantly, “At least they didn’t run home taking my daughter away the first chance they got.”

“Stop acting like that was something done intentionally to hurt you, Nathan!” I snap at him, “Because you know it wasn’t. Yeah, that was a nasty side effect and I’m really sorry it hurt you, but you know that I didn’t go out of my way to hurt you.” I look around the room. “You, on the other hand, really seem to take a lot of pleasure out of intentionally hurting someone.”

He shakes his head. “Just you. But you deserve it, don’t you?”

I look away, hoping that Luke and Dan will come back in soon. Nathan catches where my gaze is and snorts back laughter. “What?” I snap, against my better judgment.

“You sleeping with one of them?” he asks, moving closer to me. Involuntarily, I take a step back. “Come on, Haley, tell me which one it is. Or is it both?”

“Go to hell,” I whisper, “I’m not the one – I would never do that, I would never want to do that. Look in the mirror, Nathan. Your accusations are desperate and pathetic.”

He keeps advancing on me. “Oh, come on. Does it bother you that I had women in here? Would it bother you if I said I fucked one of them on that couch? The couch you’ve sat on since then? Does that hurt, Haley?” I’m crying now, trying to hold a tiny piece of me together so that I don’t collapse sobbing on the floor. “Then you know a little bit of how I felt when you left.”

“You’re sick, you know that? This way that you’re treating me, these things you’re doing – you need help, Nathan. You need to go to rehab.”

He shakes his head. “Why change the subject? I thought you’d want to talk about what I’ve been doing here.”

“No, I don’t. The only thing I want to talk to you about is getting you help. But you don’t care about that, do you?”

“I don’t,” he confirms, “And it really isn’t your place to care anymore, either. In fact, you should go. Dan and Luke can stay, if you think that’s necessary, but I really don’t want you here.” He smiles, but it is just filled with venom and anger. “Huh, funny that I’d end up wanting to spend time with them over you.”

“Knock it off, stop trying to hurt me. You’ve already done me more damage than I ever thought possible,” I assure him, turning away.

“Good,” he says softly, “Because you have no idea what taking Meredith away from me did. Then again, maybe someday you will. I have the money, Haley. I have the power. Maybe I’ll sue you for custody.”

I whirl back around, shoving him away from me. “You wouldn’t dare, Nathan! And even if you did, you’d – you’d never win. No one in their right mind would let a washed up drug addict have custody of a child. No one.”

He just laughs, cruelly. Maybe it’s just an empty threat that he’d even try it, I don’t know. Maybe he’s just saying it to be cruel, that’s possible. But it is one thing I’ll never let him get away with, and that is messing with Meredith.

Luke and Dan come back in, distracting both of us. I glance at them, stricken. Nathan stomps into one of the bedrooms, slamming the door shut behind him. They just look at me, wondering what happened while they were outside.

“Sorry for going off like that,” Luke apologizes.

I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter.” I glance down at the floor, coming to a realization. His threats about seeking custody pushing me over the edge to this decision. “I can’t be here anymore. I’m obviously no help to him, and this is destroying me. And I think you’re right, I need to be with Meredith now, and she needs me.”

“Are you sure?” Dan asks quietly, “I don’t think it’s a bad idea, but I know how you’ve felt about being here for him, getting him help.”

“There’s nothing I can do here,” I sigh, “I don’t know how to get through to him, and when I try, he throws everything in my face. And I can’t, I just can’t do it.” I pause for a minute. “He told me he’d try and get custody of Meredith so I knew what he felt like when I left.”

“Hey, that isn’t going to happen,” Luke protests, “It couldn’t, Hales.”

I nod, still crying. “Yeah, I know that. But he still said it, still sounded like he’d try and make it happen. And it scares me, that he’s at a point where all he cares about is getting revenge on me.”

Dan sighs, “He’s out of control. Look, I think you’re right, it would be best for you to go to Tree Hill and get Meredith. Are you going to take her back to Seattle?”

I shake my head. “Why? There’s no point in that now, and I’d rather stay in Tree Hill with everyone anyway. Are you guys going to stay here?”

“I – I have my doubts that it will do any good, but I’ll try,” Dan says, “Luke, I’d like it if you stayed. Maybe together we can get through to him.”

I don’t think it is likely, but I don’t say anything. Luke nods, probably agreeing more for Dan’s sake and my peace of mind than Nathan’s. “Yeah, but only for a day or two more. I’ve got work.”

Dan nods. “Want one of us to take you to the airport when you’re ready?”

I shake my head. “I’m going to just go now, and I’ll be fine getting a cab. Thanks – thanks for coming to Seattle with me, thanks for coming down here, and thanks for trying to help him and help me. I – and I’m sorry I can’t stay. Maybe I should, but I just can’t.”

Luke pulls me to him in another hug. “No, you have nothing to be sorry for, Hales. Come on, it’s okay. You’re going to go home to Tree Hill and see Meredith now. It’ll be okay, we’ll find a way to pull Nathan out of this.”

No one really believes that, though. Nathan has to be willing to have himself pulled out of this before anyone can help him, and he isn’t there yet. But the words are just empty hope, and we all know that, too.

“I’m going to tell him I’m leaving.”

“You sure you want to do that?” Dan asks, frowning in concern.

“No, I really don’t, but I think I should,” I explain. They nod, and I let myself into the room Nathan is holing up in. He barely spares me a glance as I walk in. “I just came to tell you that you win, I’m leaving.”

“I should’ve locked this door,” he responds, not looking at me or responding to what I’ve told him.

“Fine, Nathan. I don’t know why I bothered, why I thought I owed you this courtesy. But for some reason, I did. And now you know. Just – get some help. Your daughter needs you in her life, but if you aren’t sober and in treatment, I won’t let you near her.”

“Great, more threats,” he laughs, “What else you got, Haley?”

“That’s it, Nathan. That’s all there is. When you’re ready to be human again, you know where we are. We’ll be waiting for you. Goodbye.”

He sits up on the bed, looking like he wants to say something. I wait for a minute, but when he doesn’t, I turn and walk out of the room. I hug both Dan and Luke before grabbing my bags and heading out the door.

I don’t look back this time, and I don’t let myself wonder if I made the right decision in leaving. I know I did. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt and that my heart isn’t breaking for him and for myself and for Meredith, but it was the right thing to do.

Chapter 8 - 9

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