Getting It All Back

By Brynne

Chapter Four – I’m So Afraid

‘I been alone

Always down

No one cared to stay around

I never change

I never will

I'm so afraid of the way I feel’ – L. Buckingham

~*~June, 2013~*~

“Meredith, come here,” I say firmly, getting impatient with her, “Stop chasing the dog and come here right now.”

She finally abandons the poor dog and comes over to me, pouting the whole way. Poor Luke probably didn’t realize his dog would be traumatized and terrorized by a very zealous two year old, I’m sure. Meredith has been all over that mangy old thing like white on rice since the second I set her down on his living room floor a few days ago.

“How you doing?” Luke asks carefully when I carry Mere into the kitchen with me. I shake my head at him. I’m sure he can see with his own eyes how I’m doing. I’m tired, I’m scared, and I’m worried out of my mind over Nathan right now. “Sorry, stupid question. How’s Merry doing today?”

She grins at him, but I have half a mind to tell him to find his own fucking nickname for her – that is one of Nathan’s. But that’s irrational, and if there is anything I don’t want to be right now, that just might be it.

Mere reaches her arms out to him, so she’s clearly doing just fine. She chants ‘Unca Lou’ at him constantly when he’s around, and it is yet another gratifying bonding session she’s doing so well with. And it makes me happy that she’s getting to know everyone here, but in all honesty, my mind is so occupied otherwise that I couldn’t really care less.

“Three days, Luke. Three damn days,” I whisper, “I am going to go out of my mind here! This – this not knowing, not hearing from him, it is terrifying me.”

He sets Mere down and pulls me into a hug. “I know you’re scared, Hales. But panicking isn’t going to do you any good. Think about Meredith, okay?”

I nod. “Besides him, she is all I think about Luke, believe me.”

“Okay, so maybe you should go and try and call him again, Hales. Maybe you’ll get a hold of him this time, and then you’ll feel better.”

I bend to scoop Mere up. “If he doesn’t answer, I’ll have her leave another message. Maybe that will get through to him.”

“Good idea,” he smiles, “Okay, I have to get to work. You guys going to be okay here today? Need anything?”

I roll my eyes at him. “Luke, I think we can manage a day on our own. We’re big girls, right, Mere? Besides, we have that pretty, shiny new car to shuttle ourselves around in,” I add, knowing that will tick him off. Predictably, he stomps off muttering about how unfair it is that Dan gives me cars but not him.

“Well, Mere, let’s try him yet again,” I smile at her, not referring to him by name so as not to get her hopes up. I know she misses him, and I don’t think my heart could handle seeing her cry if we don’t get through.

I dial the number, listening as it rings once, twice, three times before the answering machine kicks on. “Hi, you’ve reached Nathan, Haley, and Meredith. Leave us a message and we’ll call you back!”

“So, he’s not at home,” I mutter, trying to smile at Mere. “Okay, I’ll try his cell, I guess,” I sigh, dialing that number. Again, after a few rings, I get his voicemail. So, he has it on, he’s just ignoring me. Damn it. I hold the phone to Mere’s ear. “Say hi to Daddy, sweets.”

She does, babbling sweetly into the phone as if he’s there, listening to her. I let her go for a few minutes before hanging up the phone and carrying her back into our room to get her ready to go to Karen’s. She’ll be watching her while I’m meeting with Deb, Dan, and an addiction counselor that Dan found.

“Well, munchkin, you ready to go see Eric?” I ask, knowing she is. She’s found another kid to hero worship, but he hates having her follow him around everywhere.

“Ewic!” she exclaims, clapping her hands.

“You’re going to drive that poor kid crazy, sweets,” I laugh at her, setting her down on the bed. “Okay, I think we’ve got all your stuff. Ready to go to Karen’s?”

I give her a juice cup for the drive, and she is quiet all the way there. Karen and Keith are in the driveway when we pull in.

“Hi honey,” Karen beams as I get out of the car, “Where’s my little girl?” She rushes over to Mere’s door and lifts her out of the car seat. “There she is.”

“Hi Haley,” Keith greets me, “Have you heard anything yet?”

I shake my head. “Not yet. He’s still not answering my calls. I don’t know what to do, I think I’m going crazy.”

He gives me a sympathetic look. “Maybe he’s just hiding out from all the media attention he’s getting right now,” he suggests, “Doesn’t even bother to check the messages because so many are from them.”

I would like to believe that explanation, but it doesn’t work. Even if he wasn’t checking his messages, he knows I’m calling. So if he wanted to talk to me, he would just pick up the phone and make the effort that way.

“I still don’t know exactly how the meeting with the GM and coach went,” I sigh, “Only what we’ve seen on TV or read in the paper.”

“He’ll call when he’s ready,” Keith sighs, “His whole life has changed, Haley. He might not have a job anymore, you and Mere are away, which he isn’t used to. He’s got a lot to deal with right now. He’ll come around.”

“Why won’t he let me help?” I whisper, “Doesn’t he know I just want the best for him?”

He pats me kindly on the arm.  “I’m sure he does know that. He’s just scared right now.” I nod. “Hey, you guys are working on getting him back. It’s going to be okay, Haley.”

“Thanks, Keith,” I whisper, not comforted in the slightest. I doubt I will be period until I hear his voice or see his face. “Okay,” I say, taking a deep breath, “I’d better get going. Mere, I gotta go now!”

But she’s already chasing Eric around, and can barely spare me a glance. I have to smile at that, and give Karen and Keith both big hugs before climbing back in my car. “Thanks for watching her. I really appreciate this.”

“Anytime, Haley, you know that.”

We’re meeting in Durham; shock of shocks, there is nothing in Tree Hill that fits what we need. There is a sense of déjà vu in making this drive again – almost as if I were a dumb college coed again, on my way to class or to meet Tim or Brooke. So weird.

But unfortunately, there is no pleasure in this trip. This trip is all business, and not good, happy business, either. Frustrating, sad, frightening business. But it is necessary, and God, I hope it helps us find a way to make a difference for Nathan. Helps me find a way to bring him back. Because if he’s not willing to communicate with me, that’s one thing – he might just be mad. But to cut himself off from Mere – that’s not something he’d do if he was thinking clearly. So, I know he isn’t.

When I get there, I find Deb and Dan both waiting for me, both looking equally nervous. I know that I’m probably looking just as nervous as them, if not more, since so much of my life hinges on Nathan, so much of it is built around him.

They both give me hugs, both looking grim along with the nervousness. And maybe this is grim. Maybe I know it, and maybe that’s part of the reason I’m so afraid right now. Because I know in my heart if he isn’t in contact with me or Mere, then something is wrong. Really wrong.

We wait for nearly fifteen minutes in the counselors office, none of us speaking, each lost in his or her own thoughts. Dan is tapping his foot, and Deb has put on Chapstick about seventy-six times. And I just sit here like I’ve recently been lobotomized.

When we are finally invited into the counselor’s office, we all jump up and practically run in there. I guess it seems like the sooner we get there, the sooner we can figure out how to help Nathan. How to get him back. Because I need him back. I’m so close to panicking it isn’t even funny.

“I’m Nikki,” the counselor introduces herself. We all give her our names, but I can see Dan frown, probably in consternation that this seems so informal. She notices his hesitancy. “Expecting something a little more professional?”

He shrugs. “I suppose so. I didn’t think this would be a first name thing in an office that features lamps with blue light bulbs in them.”

She smiles, and I feel at ease with her. Like she won’t sugarcoat the situation, but also like she’s a nice person. “Well, this isn’t a hospital, it isn’t even a physician’s office. There really isn’t any reason for it to be a sterile environment, and frankly, with what most of our clients are going through, any sort of comfort is generally welcome. I know it was for me when I went through the program.”

“You’ve been through the program?” Deb asks, surprised.

“Almost all the counselors here have,” Nikki confirms, “This is one of the things that keeps, well, me sane and sober. And honestly, it helps, when you’re going through the program, to have someone who knows, who understands. That is also why the counselors for the family program have been in relationships with addicts – they know and understand.”

“That makes sense,” Deb nods, “More sense than a lot of things I’ve heard lately.”

Nikki smiles sympathetically. “And you’re here today to talk about your son, correct? And your husband or boyfriend?”

We nod. “Boyfriend,” I clarify with a sigh.

“Would you mind giving me his story? I can’t officially recommend a treatment plan without talking to him, of course, but if you want my advice on potential courses of action, then I’ll need to know his story.”

Dan and Deb both look at me, deferring. Great, this is the part I want to do, right. But I was there, I was the one missing the signs, so it should be my responsibility. Clearing my throat, I begin. “I don’t know exactly where to start.”

“Haley, just start wherever you feel comfortable. Wherever you feel is relevant to getting him help, okay?”

I nod, steeling myself to give just the facts, trying to keep the emotions to a minimum. “Nathan had used drugs once, when we were in high school. But it was a stupid one-time thing, you know? Took speed to keep his energy up for basketball. And it never came up again. You know, it was just one of those things.

“Honestly, I’d probably mostly forgotten about it within a week. It had never happened before, and it didn’t continue to happen. But then, for the last few months, we’ve been having problems. He was staying out later and later, and we fought. But it wasn’t all bad, you know, he was still himself some of the time. I thought maybe he was just miserable with me or something.

“And then I got a call from his health club. He’d collapsed, and I had to pack up our two year old daughter and drag her to the hospital one afternoon last week. And the doctor – the doctor asked if I had any idea – and I didn’t. Then he asked if he’d abused drugs in the past, and it made sense, as much as I hated the thought. But it made sense, and when Nathan woke up, he confessed. He’d been taking speed again, and he’d also been using steroids. For well over eight months, he’d been using, and I didn’t see it,” I sigh regretfully.

Nikki is furiously scribbling notes. “And where is Nathan now?”

“Seattle,” I whisper.

She looks up, blinking in surprise. “He’s in Seattle? Why?”

“That’s where we live,” I explain, “And when I decided I had to leave, it was only logical that I come back here, home, where our family is.”

“So, he’s alone there?” she asks, a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I nod. “Okay. Well, I have to tell you that it probably wasn’t the wisest move in the world to leave him alone right now. He’s going to need as much support as possible now, and – “

“She has a two year old daughter,” Dan snaps, interrupting, “And Nathan was bringing drugs into their house, exposing her to them. I get that you’re the addict’s advocate here, but you cannot tell me that she should’ve stayed there in a house with drugs!”

Nikki sighs. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that I would put a two year old at risk ever, but it is true that your son is probably in dire need of support right now.”

“She’s right,” I sigh, “I knew I shouldn’t have left him, I should’ve stayed, I could’ve figured out something for Mere, it would’ve been okay.”

“No, Haley,” Nikki interrupts, “That’s really not what I’m saying. You did what was best for you and your daughter. And if that is what you felt you had to do, then you did the right thing. Now, though, we’re talking about what Nathan needs, right?”

I nod. “I just – if I should be there, say the word and I’m on the next plane. I want to do what he needs me to do, you know?”

“Look, it sounds like Nathan definitely has a problem if he used enough to end up in the hospital, but the best I can honestly tell you is that he needs to be evaluated by professionals. And if you want my honest opinion, then I think the best way to convince someone who was using and may still be using is face to face. That’s just my suggestion, but it isn’t gospel. It generally is the best chance for success, though.”

I take a deep breath, nodding. Deb speaks up. “She cannot take that baby back there. No way, no how. If he’s in as bad of shape as it sounds like we’re all thinking, then she should not be exposed to him.”

“She’ll stay here,” I say quietly, hating the notion even, but knowing Nathan is going to need me more right now.

“Haley,” Deb sighs.

“Who has the best chance of reaching him?” Nikki asks, “Because that’s who should be there for him now.”

“That is undoubtedly you,” Dan says to me, “If there is anyone that Nathan will listen to, has listened to in the past, it is Haley. She’s his rock.”

Deb nods reluctantly. “That’s probably true. But maybe we should go, Dan. We’re his parents, maybe he’ll listen to us.”

“When has he ever listened to us?” Dan questions her acerbically, “But we don’t have to make this decision right now, do we?”

Nikki shakes her head. “Absolutely not. If this is the route you decide to go, face to face support and attempt to persuade him to at least meet with a counselor, then I just advise you to stand firm. Don’t let him push you out of this, don’t let him talk you out of it.”

We all nod, a little shell-shocked at how hard this could be. And I’m quite sure she hasn’t really given us even a hint of how these sorts of things usually work. Just this little bit, the tiny warnings she’s given us, just alarm me to how hard this is going to be. How hellish.

After asking Nikki a few more questions, mostly about statistics and her explaining the withdrawal process and what Nathan might be going through in terms of that, we walk out together, stopping when we get out of the building. I don’t think that any of us feel better – in fact, I know I feel worse. Yes, it is nice to have something of a course of action, but at the same time, it feels like we’re facing an uphill battle.

I feel so helpless. Like there is no way I’m going to be strong enough for all of us. I’ve never been the strong one, and I don’t know how to start being that person now. And if I can’t, then who is going to be?

This visit just crystallized everything for me. No matter what she said or didn’t say, I screwed up by leaving, in a way. I did, I know that. Maybe it was right to get Mere, my precious little girl, out of there, but I left him. I left him when he needed me, and I shouldn’t have. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says about it, it doesn’t matter what they think. I left him, he needed me, and now I feel like I shouldn’t have gone.

There’s nothing I can do about that now. It’s all just guilt in the end, anyway. And I did do the right thing for Mere, and she has to be my first priority in all of this. She isn’t able to protect herself, so that’s my job. Even if it means protecting her, unfortunately, from Nathan and his habits. That’s the worst part of it all – I can’t trust him with Mere, the person that he loves more than anyone else in this world. The person we’d both give our lives for.

“Let’s not discuss this yet,” Deb suggests, “I think that at least Lucas should be there for it, if not Karen and Keith. The more suggestions we have, the better luck we might have in stumbling on something that will work, right? Maybe we can meet for dinner tonight and talk about how we want to deal with all of this. We can all have a little time to think about everything first.”

Dan looks like he doesn’t think that is a good idea, but he doesn’t say anything. And for me, at this point it doesn’t matter what everyone else wants to do, I’m going to back to Seattle to be with him. There is just no other option, even though it means I’ll have to leave Meredith here for the time being. She’ll be okay, but I can’t guarantee he will. So I have to do everything in my power to make sure he will be. And that means entrusting Mere to Karen, and going back to Nathan.

“Yeah, let’s do that,” I agree, breaking the silence, “Right now, though, I’m going to go get Mere and try and call Nathan again. Maybe I’ll catch him this time.”

There’s hope in my voice, but I’m not sure why. It has been long enough with him not answering or returning my calls that I shouldn’t be holding onto a hope I know is false, but I can’t let go of it. I need that tiny flicker to remain so I have something to hold onto.

“Okay,” Dan sighs, “Fine by me. Your idea, Deb, you do the arranging.”

Deb glares at him, but agrees, and we all head back to Tree Hill in our own cars. And I’m glad for the isolation. I feel like I don’t know what to say to people right now. Like with Deb, I know she wants me to reassure her that he’ll be fine, that he’s fine now, and that everything will just turn out fine. But I can’t give her that because I’m not sure I can believe that.

The drive back goes too quickly and before I know it, I’m at Karen and Keith’s. Mere comes flying out the door to me, and I pick her up, greedy for the comfort I know she has to give me.

“Hey sweets,” I grin, kissing all over her face, “I missed you, baby!” Karen walks over to us. “I hope she was good for you?”

“She was wonderful. She cried when Eric left for school for a few minutes, but she settled down once I got her book out,” Karen smiles, “And how are you doing?”

I sigh, leaning my forehead into Mere. “Well, it was, I guess, as expected. Deb hasn’t called you yet?”

“No, she hasn’t. Should I be expecting a call?” she asks, confused.

I nod, “Yeah, she’s inviting everyone over to her place for dinner. To discuss what the counselor told us today.”

“Ah, and how do you feel about that?” she asks in that astute Mom-manner. “You don’t like it, do you?”

I shrug. “I don’t know, Kare, I mean, she’s got a point in that maybe we’re all going to need to help him with this. But at the same time, I know that Nathan would absolutely hate the idea of everyone sitting around talking about him like this. And I feel bad about that.”

She nods, smiling wryly. “Gee, what would make you think Nathan would hate being discussed behind his back? It wouldn’t be about those times he flipped when they talked to his face, would it?”

I have to laugh a little, too. “Well, that might have something to do with it. It’s just, the last time we talked, he said this was between me and him. That it had nothing to do with anyone else, that they didn’t get to make decisions because this isn’t their life, it is ours. And that makes so much sense, you know?”

“I can understand why he feels that way,” she nods, “And he’s partially right. But Haley, if he’s not letting you help him, then it isn’t wrong to get help of your own. And he’s going to need more support than just yours, sweetie. I see that you would like to do this on your own, but that doesn’t seem very realistic.”

I nod. “Yeah, I know. I just hate going against him on this. But you know? He hasn’t called me back even though he knows I’m worried. So maybe it doesn’t matter anymore what he thinks. Maybe it is just time to lay down the law.”

“This might sound lame to you, or like a copout because I don’t have anything real to offer, but honey, I think that when the time comes, you’ll know what to do. You’ll handle things fine, and if nothing else, I know you’ll do your best.”

“Thanks, Karen. Well, I think I’m going to take her back to Luke’s and put her down for an n-a-p. She’s practically asleep already,” I smile.

“Well, chasing around the big boys has a tendency to do that,” Karen responds, reaching out to touch Mere’s cheek.

“Oh, I remember the days when I was chasing the boys around,” I sigh, “Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it was all that long ago, and then I look at her, and I wonder if I was ever really like this, or if that was just a dream.”

“I remember when you were the little girl chasing after the boys. They always let you catch them, though, even that dopey son of mine,” she grins.

I smile with her, then sober, remembering what I need to ask her. “Karen, will you watch Mere? I mean, not for a few hours, but for a few days. Maybe longer? I – I’m going to go see Nathan.”

“I figured you’d decide to do that. And of course I’ll watch her, for as long as you need. All of you are always welcome here, you should never forget that.”

“I won’t,” I agree, kissing her on the cheek, “And thank you for this. I’m sure Deb would like to take her, but I’m just figuring she’ll either insist on coming or she stays here and is too jittery to have a two year old running wild through the house.”

“If Deb is here, I’ll make sure they spend plenty of time together so she doesn’t feel slighted,” Karen promises.

“Thanks, Karen.”

“Anytime, Haley, anytime. It really is our pleasure to have her around. It makes me wish Keith and I had tried again and had a daughter. He’s very sweet with her.”

“Yeah, he is,” I agree, “Thanks, Karen, I mean it.”

As soon as I’m in the car and out of the driveway, I pull out my phone and call him. Again, I get sent to voicemail. “Nathan, it’s me. I don’t know why you won’t answer your phone. I know you at least want to talk to Mere, even if you’d rather not hear from me. So, call – me, Luke, your parents, anyone, and just let us know you’re alright. And talk to Mere. She misses you. I miss you. And I love you.”

I sound like a rambling idiot, but I don’t care. If it gets through to him, then it will be well worth it.

~*~

By some unspoken agreement, no one brings up Nathan or the real reason behind the gathering during dinner. It feels like postponing the inevitable, which sort of seems stupid, but at the same time, I don’t think I’m going to enjoy this conversation in the least.

After dinner, we all congregate out on the deck, Eric on Nathan’s old swings and Meredith happily taking up residence on Luke’s lap. It is clear that none of us want to bring it up, but everyone is on edge waiting for someone to say something. Dan finally sighs, and stands up.

“Look, we spoke with the addiction counselor today,” he says, “And this woman seems to think that Nathan’s best bet is with face to face support. Of course, Haley has the best shot at getting through to him, but the more I think about it, the more I think it would best if a few of us went with you, Haley. That is, if you plan on going.”

I brush my hair out of my face. “Yeah, I’m going. I’m going to try and fly out tomorrow, if possible,” I tell them.

Luke looks at me in surprise. “You sure you want to take Meredith back there? I don’t want to alarm you, but we don’t know how bad he is right now. With all the press attention and the fact that it looks like he might get suspended, or worse, banned, I doubt he’s in the best place right now, Hales.”

“I’ve already asked Karen to let her stay here while I’m gone,” I announce, noticing that Deb does indeed look upset that I didn’t ask her, “I hate to leave her, but I really have no choice. I can’t take her with me, but I can’t stay here while he’s there alone, doing God knows what.”

Luke nods. “Well, I’m going, too,” he adds.

“Okay, good,” Dan agrees, and even Deb nods like this is a good idea. I don’t know, maybe it is. Maybe seeing them and knowing that they cared enough to come will jolt something in Nathan.

“I – I don’t know,” I hedge, “I don’t want him to feel ganged up on. Nathan doesn’t do well when he feels cornered.”

“Well, that’s a good point,” Dan concedes, “But do you think you can do this alone? And really, he’s going to need us. He might not like it, and he might not admit it, but he will.”

“Dad’s right, Hales. You can’t do this by yourself. It’s going to take a group effort, okay? So let us come, let us help you help him,” Luke implores as Meredith bats at his chin as she fights to stay awake.

I bury my face in my hands, trying to think. This is really overwhelming, and despite how well I’ve stuck to my convictions this last week, I’m wavering on this one. If they come along, I’ll have support, which I know I’ll need. I just don’t want to risk alienating Nathan further. But this isn’t my choice, and if they think they can make a difference, help get through to him, then who am I to say no?

“Yeah, of course, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking,” I agree, sighing. “Is this going to be some sort of intervention? He won’t take that well, we all know he won’t.”

“It doesn’t have to be anything specific,” Luke shrugs, looking at Dan for support. He nods in agreement. “I think the first thing we need to do is set everyone’s minds at ease and make sure he’s okay, right?”

I nod, taking a deep breath. I don’t want to cry now, in front of everyone. Family or not, some things just don’t need to be shared. I stand up, ready to get out of here and try calling Nathan again.

“I think it’s time for someone to get to bed,” I say, taking her from Luke. “She’s had another long day, and I still don’t think she’s accustomed to the time change yet. So we’re going to take off now.”

Luke looks at me in confusion. “Did you forget that you two hitched a ride over here with me? Hang on just a second, let me use the bathroom.”

I nod, shifting Meredith in my arms. “Sorry, I forgot,” I mutter sheepishly. Both Karen and Keith are looking at me in concern, probably thinking I’m cracking under the pressure.

“Haley, if you’d like, Meredith can stay with me tonight,” Deb offers hopefully. I don’t doubt that she’s being sincere in trying to help, but I’m leaving tomorrow, and there is no way I’m missing a second with her until then. No way in hell.

“If I’m leaving tomorrow, I really want her with me tonight,” I say point blank, “I need this last little bit of time with her.”

“Haley’s already made me promise to make sure you get to spend plenty of time with her,” Karen jumps in, and Deb looks appeased, somewhat, at least.

“Well, I’ll look forward to it,” she smiles, getting up to come over and kiss Meredith on the cheek. “Thank you for going to help him, Haley.”

I shake my head. “There was no other option. For him, and for her. This is what I have to do. They’re my life.”

“I admire this about you,” she says, “That you will obviously do anything for your family. I’m glad you’re a part of mine.”

“Thank you, Deb,” I whisper.

“I mean it. It is so evident how much you love my son, and I don’t think I can ever thank you enough for that.”

“You don’t have to,” I protest, “Loving Nathan is like breathing to me. I just do it. It’s a natural inclination of mine.”

“Maybe not, but I want to.”

Luke comes back out. “Ready to go?”

I nod, smiling again at Deb and waving to everyone else. Mere is completely zonked now, sound asleep on my shoulder. We get her in her car seat and leave.

“Are you sure you’re okay with me and Dan coming?” he asks as we drive back to his place.

“Yeah, Luke, it’s fine. It’s just that – Nathan told me that he thought that this was between me and him, and that we got to make the decisions, no one else. And you know Nathan, you know he’ll hate this. You know he’ll hate having you both there.”

Luke just shrugs. “Haley, he’s my brother, and you know I love him, but at this point, things are about getting him help, not about coddling him. And I know you don’t want to make him mad, but you know that you’re allowed to be mad at him.”

“For what, Luke?” I ask tiredly, “For having an addiction? Do you remember learning about those in school? How alcoholism is a disease, and how they’re doing research to prove that other addictions are diseases, too? How can I be angry at him for that?”

“Oh, get off it, Haley! Yeah, he might have a disease, but look what he’s done! Look what he’s done to you! You think I don’t hear you crying in the kitchen at nights? I know you sneak out there so you don’t wake Meredith. But I hear you. And I know it is because of him.”

“What do you want me to say?” I cry, “Do you want me to be mad at him? Because I don’t think I can! And the stuff he’s done, yeah, it sucks, Luke. It really hurts me, some of them, especially now, in retrospect. But it was the result of this addiction, and I just can’t – “

“Hales, you’re missing the point. It’s okay for you to be mad. You don’t have to force yourself into being stoic and neutral about this.”

“Shut the hell up!” I bark at him, instantly regretting it when Mere startles awake and starts crying. I glare at him as I reach back to try and soothe her. “You don’t know anything about how I feel on this, Luke, so don’t try and tell me what I should, got that?”

He clamps his mouth shut and nods, but his jaw is so tightly clenched I know he’ll have more to say once we’re not trapped in a car with a tired and cranky two year old. Mere quiets down quickly enough, and before I know it, we’re at Luke’s place again.

I take Mere inside, laying her down on the bed in our room. I bought a playpen for her to sleep in, one that folds up easy so I could drag it around as we visited people, but tonight, I just want her to sleep with me. She immediately burrows down in the blankets, her arms tightly wrapped around a pink bunny Karen gave her a few days ago.

I change into sweats, trying to stall for time before I go back out there and face Luke again. He’s going to bring it up again, I know he will, and I don’t know if I want to talk about it. No, correct that, I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe what he’s saying hits too close to home, maybe I just don’t care what he has to say – it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to hear it. But I also know that won’t stop him from saying it, so I figure I might as well get it over with and head back out there.

“You going to yell again?” he asks when I plop down on the couch across from him.

I shake my head. “I’m sorry about that. I just wish people – people like you – wouldn’t presume to know what I’m feeling about this, how I’m dealing. Because you guys don’t know. You might think you have an idea, and maybe you do, but you don’t know. “

He thinks about it for a moment, and then nods. “Okay, you’re right, it isn’t fair to assume we know what you feel. And you know I’m worried about Nathan, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” I agree.

“Okay, good. But I’m worried about you, too, Hales. I know you don’t want me to, but I see the toll this is taking on you. I can see that you’re fighting like crazy to hold it all together, not only for yourself, but for Nathan and Meredith, too. And I just don’t want you to crash under all this weight. You don’t have to be responsible for what the rest of us do, just yourself, okay?”

I shake my head. “Not just me. Mere, too, mostly, but Nathan. He’s my heart, Luke, and I have to make sure he’s okay.”

“Yeah,” he sighs, “I know. This is such a big burden, though, and I see you, Haley, I see that you are trying to put it all on yourself. And I worry what that will do to you.”

I get what he’s saying, so I just nod. “But Luke, the thing is, the last time we talked, Nathan specifically said he wanted this to be between me and him. And I want to respect that decision, I really do. I’m just afraid that when he sees that you and Dan are with me, he’ll lose all trust in me,” I tell him.

“He’ll be mad,” Luke tells me, not sugarcoating things at all, “But he’s going to get over that. I guess the question is, do you think you can do it on your own?”

“I don’t know,” I admit, equally honest.

“Then I see no way that Dan and I can’t go. If you knew, one hundred percent, that you’d be able to get him into see a counselor, then maybe it’d be okay for you to go on your own.”

“You’re right,” I surprise both of us by admitting, “I can’t guarantee I can do it alone, so there should be people there in case I can’t. There’s too much at stake not to cover as many bases as possible.”

“We’ll get him back, Hales,” he assures me quietly. And those words sound so empty after hearing them so many times. How can they say it’ll all be okay? “Have you tried calling him again?”

I shake my head. “Maybe I can do that now.”

He nods. “Yeah, here, use my phone.”

I smile. “Thanks, Luke.” Already knowing that the chances of him answering are slim, I don’t bother to leave the room to make my call, just do it here. “It’s just ringing,” I tell Luke, sighing when the voicemail message comes on, “He’s apparently still not taking calls.”

“You’ll see him tomorrow, Hales,” he sighs, “Try not to worry too much. Okay, that was stupid, of course you’re going to worry.”

I try to manage a smile for him. “I’ll try to worry a little less. That’s something, right?”

“Yeah, it is. You want company? I’ve got some lesson plans to go over for tomorrow if you don’t need me. The substitute might need them, huh?”

I shake my head. “No, you go. One of us should be a productive member of society earning a living through a worthwhile job, right?” I tease, “We can’t all be NBA wives.” I blanch when I realize how possible it is that I will never be an NBA wife – either Nathan won’t still be in the NBA, or else he’ll never want to marry me. “I think I’ll call Brooke and Tim, see if they want to hang out for awhile if they can.”

He nods. “Good idea. If you guys start having fun, come get me. I don’t really need a lesson plan, right?”

“Yeah, I’ll let you know,” I agree, picking up the phone again. I call the house, surprised that it is Tim who answers, not Brooke.

“Hey, baby, when are you getting home? It better not be even later than you said the last time you called,” he answers, obviously expecting Brooke’s call, not mine. Or anyone else’s.

“Uh, you’ve never called me baby before,” I tease, “Don’t you think that’s moving just a little too fast, Timmy boy? And way to out your relationship, dipshit.”

I can hear him practically choking on his tongue. “James? What – how – shit, she told you? We said we weren’t telling anyone, even you!”

I laugh at his surprised stupor. “Yeah, she told me. Did you really think that she wouldn’t? Come on, Timmy, you know better than that. You know both her and me better than that. I was waiting for you to tell me yourself – I just wasn’t expecting it quite this soon. Or, you know, in quite this way.”

“God,” he groans, “I feel like such a moron right now.”

“Well,” I laugh, “I mean, it’s a good thing Brooke told me. I’d be freaking out right now. Imagine if it were Luke calling or something.”

“Oh, my God,” he gasps, “That – he – I – what a nightmare this all is.”

“What’s a nightmare?”

“All of this, the secrecy, the confusion. It just sucks.”

“Aw, Timmy, come over to Luke’s and visit me for awhile. There is nothing I can think of that would make me happier right now than actually doing something to help someone.”

“Hey, you okay?” he asks.

“I’ll tell you about it when you get here. Just come on over, okay?” I know he’s hesitating. “Come on, if Brooke is going to be as late as you make it sound, what difference does it make? Besides, I need a little Tim Time, too.”

“Uh, what about Luke?”

“What about him?”

“Is – maybe hanging out there isn’t such a good idea. I don’t want him overhearing anything about Brooke and me, you know?”

“He knows, too,” I laugh.

“What? She told him? She told her ex-husband, who is one of both of our closest friends, that we’ve been sleeping together?”

I chuckle at his horrified outburst. “No, Tim, of course not! If you guys were so intent on keeping it hidden, you probably could’ve stood to be a bit more discreet. Even Luke figured it out. You must’ve been making some serious eyes at each other,” I laugh.

“Geez, that’s uncomfortable.”

“He doesn’t care, Tim. He’s happy for you both,” I assure him, “Now get your butt over here and hang out with me. I’m leaving tomorrow for Seattle…”

“What? You guys are leaving already? Haley, you’ve barely been here any time at all. And Brooke, Luke, and I had planned on taking a few days off work to spend with you and Meredith!”

“It’s just me going back,” I explain quietly.

“Oh,” he sighs, understanding dawning, “I’ll be over in about fifteen, okay?”

“Thanks, Tim, I appreciate it.”

He makes it here in ten, which is good, since being left to my own thoughts right now is sort of depressing. If anyone can distract me, I have faith that it will be Tim.

“You’re here!” I grin when I open the door to him, “Come on in!”

“Yeah, I’m here,” he agrees, giving me a hug, “So, you want to tell me how you’re holding up, or am I the Great Distracter for the night?”

“Both,” I smile, “But distractions first, okay?”

“Does that mean I have to talk about me and Brooke?” he pouts, “Because you’re supposed to be my distraction tonight, and I don’t know if I like this arrangement!”

“Ha, well, it’s my arrangement, and that’s just how it is going to be!” I smile, sitting down the floor, “Now you tell me how this whole thing with you and Brooke happened.”

He shrugs. “It just happened. I don’t know how, I don’t even know why. But I, uh, kind of like it,” he admits, “It’s been good for me.”

“Good for your sex life, or just good in general?” I question.

“Both,” he laughs, then sobers. “Uh, where’s Luke?”

“I told you, he doesn’t care. He asked me about it after the first night I was here. He thinks you two should just announce it already. He’s waiting for you to make it official!”

“Like ask her to marry me?” he gasps out, “No, I mean, it’s Brooke, you know I love her, but we aren’t, no, we can’t do that. I won’t.”

“Jeez, Tim, calm down, it’s okay. I meant start dating without hiding it,” I explain, wondering why he’s so jumpy about this.

He nods, the tension draining out of his body. “I’m not ready for that.”

“A relationship at all?” I question sharply, ready to ream him on Brooke’s behalf if he’s just dicking around with her.

“No, marriage. It just – I don’t know, she’s my best friend, and marriage is so big and forever-like, and I don’t know if that’s something I’m comfortable with. I haven’t thought about it a lot because there’s never been anyone worth thinking of it for, but now there’s Brooke. And she’s my best friend, and I know she’s worth it. So I’ve kind of been thinking about it. Not like asking, or anything, just thinking.”

“Okay, Tim, you do know this isn’t about marriage, right? But I am not even kidding you, if this is just some game you’re playing, if you’re sleeping with Brooke because she’s convenient, then I will cause you so much pain.”

His eyes widen in surprise. “It isn’t like that. No, I would never do that.”

“Okay, I didn’t think so,” I smile, “I just wanted to hear it from you.”

“I just don’t know what she wants. And what if she wants more than I can give her? As much as I enjoy this, I’m almost beginning to wish we’d never started anything,” he sighs.

”Tim, I will hurt you, if you hurt her. You get that right?”

“I get that,” he laughs, holding his hands up, “And I will do everything in my power not to hurt her, in any way. I just don’t know what she wants, and I kind of think maybe I should ask.”

“And maybe you should tell her what you want, too,” I encourage him. If I didn’t think he was serious about her, then I wouldn’t encourage this discussion. But I believe he’s as into her as she is him.

He nods. “Is it that obvious?”

“I’m surprised she hasn’t noticed,” I smile, “But both of you are kind of oblivious, so I don’t know why I expected miracles.”

He grins. “She wants a relationship, too! Ha, it’s written all over your face! Oooh, she is so going to kill you, James, when she finds out you gave it away!”

I pout, “Maybe she doesn’t need to know, right?”

“Are you kidding? Of course she does! This is going to be great,” he laughs, ridiculously enthused about all of this.

“You’re still a brat,” I shake my head, “I can’t believe you haven’t grown up at all since I’ve been gone!”

“I’ve grown up some,” he counters, “Enough to know I’m ready for a relationship with Brooke. I’m good at my job, and I’m responsible enough to pay all my bills on time.”

“Aw, our little Timmy, such a big boy now,” I tease, sighing, “I wish Brooke was here right now. That would make this even better.”

“Yeah, you could watch me try to cuddle with her while she smacks my hands away,” he grimaces, “That would be fun for everyone.”

“Hey, you know she’d be cuddling with me anyway, so it’s a moot point,” I tease him, “She always did love me best.”

We keep things light for awhile, and he tells me about his job and how excited he was about his recent promotion, and I tell him about Mere’s antics when I took her to the zoo in Seattle right after her birthday. It’s fun to just sit and catch up one on one, and Tim is so good at getting me to forget my troubles, even if he doesn’t do it intentionally.

“So, what about you? We’ve talked about me, Brooke, Meredith, Luke’s class pulling pranks on him, but we haven’t talked about you, or Nathan.”

I fight the urge to change the subject on him. I know he’d get the idea if I did, but I know he’s asking out of concern, so I don’t.

“I’m hanging in there, I guess,” I sigh, trying to smile, “It’s pretty damn hard right now, though.”

“You’re going to Seattle? Without Meredith?”

I nod. “She’s staying with Karen. And Dan, Luke and I are going out there to try and get him to at least meet with an addiction counselor for treatment recommendations.”

“Serious stuff,” he comments, looking unsure what else to say.

“Yeah, really serious. And I don’t know what I’m going to do. He’s really going to hate all of us being there, feeling ganged up on. But what else can I do? I don’t know if he’ll listen to me, he won’t even return my calls.” I shake my head, feeling tears coming on. “And Tim, he won’t call to talk to Mere, either. I’m really scared that something is seriously wrong with him.”

“You don’t know that, Haley. I hate to say it, but maybe he’s just pissed at you for leaving, right? That’s possible.”

I snort back a laugh. “Yeah, sad day when that’s the preferable option, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it sucks, but it is better than the alternative, right? And hey, you know, there are a ton of alternatives. Not just the ones that you’re thinking, so stop thinking them.”

“It’s just – he’s never gone a day without talking to Mere. And that it has been several now, that scares me. Really scares me.”

“You know what I think?” he asks after a few minutes, “And you can tell me it is none of my business if you don’t want to hear it.”

“No, I do, tell me,” I encourage, willing to hear what anyone has to say on these matters.

“I think that you should stop being so hard on yourself, first of all. You aren’t responsible for Nathan. He is the only one responsible for what he does. It isn’t your job to be his keeper. And second, I think you should have a little faith in both Nathan and the relationship you two have. I’ve seen what you’ve gone through to be with him. It was a lot, and it means a lot now, still. Just keep that in mind.”

“Oh, Tim, you say that like it’s easy.”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that. All I mean is that Nathan loves you, and you love him. I don’t think you should forget that.”

“What? How could I forget that?” I shake my head at him. “I would never forget it. He’s my world.” I roll my eyes at myself. “Sounds cheesy, doesn’t it? It’s true, though. I cannot imagine my life without him, Tim. I can’t.”

“So, don’t. You’ve fought for him before, you can do it again. You will do it again.”

He says it so definitively, like it is so obvious that I can ‘fight’ for him that I burst into tears. “I’ve never fought for him,” I sob, “I was either letting him fight for me, or I was pushing him away. It was never the opposite way. And now that it is, now that we’ve reversed roles, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fight for him.”

He moves down on the floor with me. “Hey, you do, too. God, Haley, maybe you haven’t had to fight as hard as he has in the past – and you know what? I think that’s open for debate. But for argument’s sake, let’s say you haven’t. So what? I know you’ve got it in you to do it now. Not a single doubt in my mind, okay?”

I lean my head on his shoulder, trying to calm down. “I’m so scared I’ll lose him.” The sound of Meredith crying startles both of us. “I’ll be right back.”

He nods as I jump up and jog down the hall to our room. Luke peeks his head out of his room, but I wave him off letting him know I got it.

“Oh, sweets, what’s the matter?” I ask when I find her sitting up in bed, all sweaty and red in the face. She reaches her arms out for me, crying harder. “Oh, Mere, what’s wrong? Its okay now, baby, its okay. Mama’s here now. Shhhh.”

She calms down after a few minutes, but she won’t loosen the death grip she has on my neck. Knowing she won’t be getting back to sleep anytime soon, I grab a few of her preferred stuffed animals and take her out into the living room with me.

“Nightmare?” Tim questions.

I shrug. “Maybe, or maybe she just woke up and didn’t know where she is. She’s okay, though, aren’t you, sweets?”

“Poor baby, look at her. Her face is flushed.”

I nod. “She was probably under all the blankets, and it is kind of warm in here. I really think she just didn’t know where she was,” I sigh, feeling bad about that. Guilty. So much guilt in all of this.

“Want to come see Uncle Tim?” he asks her, pouting when she shakes her head no and buries her face in my neck. “Sure, now she’s Ms. Shy Girl.”

“It’s ten o’clock, Tim. And she was asleep for almost two hours, weren’t ya, sweets?” I kiss her forehead. “It’s okay to be shy, baby.”

“Are you going to be able to leave her?” Tim astutely asks as I pull Mere closer to me.

“I have to,” I sigh, “So, it doesn’t really matter. I don’t want to, I wish I didn’t need to, but I have to go to Nathan now.”

“She’ll be in good hands with Karen and Keith,” he reassures me, “And maybe Brooke and I can take her out to the ocean one day.”

“I’d appreciate that,” I smile, loosening my hold on Mere as her breathing calms and her eyelids start to drift shut, “And I think she’d really like that. Or take her down to the river and find her some ducks to feed. She loves the ducks. We’d always take her down to the dock in the backyard and feed the ducks with her. She’d laugh and run around, or Nathan would pick her up and toss her in the air. She just loves ducks.”

“Hey, you guys will do that again,” Tim promises, “All of you.”

“I’m sorry,” I apologize, feeling like a jerk for bring him over here and crying the whole time, “I didn’t mean to be so emotional tonight.”

“Its okay, Haley. I can handle a few tears these days.”

“That’s not the point, Tim, you shouldn’t have to. You have stuff of your own to worry about, and you don’t really need me crying all over you.”

“You aren’t, Haley, come on. Stop freaking out about what other people are thinking right now, okay? That’s what this shit is about, isn’t it?” he whispers since Mere has fallen back asleep, “You’re worried about how people – “

“Stop, Tim, please just stop.”

“Why?”

“Why what? Why stop? I don’t know, because there’s nothing else to say on the subject?” He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Tim, I’m serious, I just want to not cry for awhile, and I think the best bet on that is if we drop this subject completely. So, I’m going to put Meredith to bed, and then can we talk about something that doesn’t suck completely? Like you and Brooke, maybe?”

He shakes his head, smiling. “Yeah, go put your kid to bed, subject changer.”

I flip him off jokingly as I walk back down the hall and put Mere to bed. I kiss her forehead, smoothing the hair off her face. I should probably stay here with her, in case she wakes up again, but I can’t leave Tim out there alone.

“She stay asleep?” he asks when I return.

“Yeah, looks like a little angel, even.” I smirk at him a little. “Looks can be so deceiving, huh? That one is going to be wreaking havoc for years to come, I’m sure.”

“Those boys in kindergarten will never know what hit them,” he predicts.

“Hey, that’s my baby, don’t talk about her like that!”

He smiles. “Come on, she’s the cutest toddler I’ve ever seen, even after screaming her head off for several minutes. Besides, I know her mommy - how could she grow up to be anything but gorgeous?”

“Aww, thanks,” I smile, “I mean it. For everything. It was really nice to have you come over here tonight and keep me company. Luke has a lot to do to prepare for leaving for Seattle, and I did need company.”

“It’s nice to have someone to be best friend to again, you know? Things with Brooke and I have been different for awhile, leading up to where we are now. But I really missed just having you around, James.”

“I missed being around,” I smile, “I really did. Don’t get me wrong, I love being with Nathan and Mere, and I even love Seattle, but I really miss you guys.”

“So you should visit more,” he decides, “Because we don’t see you nearly enough, we don’t see Mere nearly enough, and hey, we even don’t see Nathan nearly enough.”

“Yeah, I know you’re choked up over that last one,” I sigh, laughing a little, “But I do appreciate your trying on that front. And for being supportive of me and not talking shit about him. I can see where the temptation would be in doing just that.”

He shrugs. “What happened between me and Nathan was a long time ago, Haley. High school, long. It – it doesn’t matter now. And you, you who became my friend when I’m sure none of your friends wanted you to, you who, along with Brooke, became a family to me, if you love Nathan, then I don’t doubt for a second that there is something there, something worthwhile.”

I blink at him in pleased surprise. “Brooke was really right, you have grown up so much,” I marvel, “That was practically poetic. Extraneously long-winded, but very sweet and beautiful.”

“Hey, I’m not always the dimmest bulb,” he laughs, “And it’s true, okay? I was a jerk in high school, Nathan was a bit of a jerk in high school, and we aren’t in high school anymore. Life moves on, right?”

“Can’t stop it even if you want to,” I agree.

“Hey, I’d better get back. Brooke might be home by now,” he says, a hopeful glint in his eyes, “And I’d like to talk to her tonight.”

“Yeah, okay,” I agree, standing up, “Thanks for coming over, Tim. I really appreciate you listening to me about all of this. And you said some really nice things.”

“And I meant them all,” he grins, hugging me, “And those thanks work both ways. I appreciate you talking to me about the Brooke thing.”

“I’m glad I was here to do it. It isn’t the same when you have to have these conversations over the phone.”

“No, it isn’t,” he agrees, “But it is better than nothing.”

I smile. “Yeah, that’s true. Thanks for being such a good friend, too. I really miss having you and Brooke and Luke around.”

“Aw, don’t tell me you don’t have friends in Seattle,” he says, looking concerned.

“No, I do, but they aren’t you guys. They don’t know me inside and out, they don’t know – they just don’t know.”

He pulls me into another hug. “So come visit us more often. We miss you, and we know you. We even get you, most of the time.”

“I will,” I promise, knowing I mean it this time. The week I’ve been here has really showed me how much I’ve been missing since I left, and how much I want to stop missing some of these things.

“Okay, I will leave you to go attend to your daughter, and I’ll go attend to Brooke now,” he grins, winking at me in exaggerated fashion.

“Oh, ew,” I groan, crinkling my nose at him, “Too much information, Tim. Seriously.”

He laughs, waving as he heads for his car.

I feel better now, but at the same time I feel worse, and I don’t know how that is even possible.

~*~

Leaving Mere, even if it is only for a few days, was awful. Excruciating. I cried, so she cried, and I cried harder, and by the time I finally let Luke get me out of there, Karen was crying, too. The worst part was Mere crying for me to come back, though. That was painful, and if Luke hadn’t been there to remind why I was doing this, I would’ve run back to her and never let her go.

But here I am now, in a cab on the way back to our house. Praying harder than ever that Nathan is there, safe and sound, just pissed off at me. Dan and Luke are here, but none of us are saying anything, each lost in our own thoughts and worries.

When we pull up to the house, I am instantly disappointed that the Escalade isn’t there because that more than likely means Nathan isn’t, either. I don’t even bother to get my bags out of the trunk, just run up the steps, stopping short when I notice the front door is cracked open. Maybe he is home then. The cleaner’s car wasn’t here, so it has to be him. To think that relief pours through me is an understatement.

“Nathan?” I call as I get to the door. When I push it open, I stop short. The house is a mess. Smashed vases, all the pictures torn off the walls, glass broken and jagged lying on the carpet, the couch and tables overturned, and the chair – my chair – slashed and torn apart. “Oh, my God,” I whisper, sick to my stomach.

I’m shaking now – my entire body just vibrating out of control as I struggle to hold onto some shred of hope, sanity. Seeing this, seeing how obviously far gone Nathan must be is stripping away any semblance of strength I’ve held onto the past few weeks. It’s gone now, I have nothing to hold onto except Mere, and she isn’t here right now.

I let myself sink to the floor, not caring that there is broken glass straining to get through the fabric of my jeans to cut me. Nothing could hurt worse than the sight of this room, of our house, looking so destroyed.

“Haley?” Luke calls. I hear his footsteps on the stairs, and a second later, I hear his gasp, knowing he’s seen the room. “Oh, shit.” I can’t even bear to look up at him. “Is anything missing?”

I hear him, the words process, but I can’t even raise my head to look around. It’s too painful to see this destruction, too painful to have to take it in again. Too painful to do as he asks and catalogue our possessions, see if any are missing or if they’re all just broken.

“Haley!” he says louder, grabbing my arms and pulling me to my feet, “Stop this shit! I need you to look around the house, and tell me if anything is missing! Come on, Hales, this is important.”

It isn’t the yelling that gets me; no, it’s the desperate, pleading tone that seeps into his voice at the end that jolts me out of my mental hell. I look up at him, and nod, once. I see Dan come in, his face contorted in horror at the sight of this place, and I have to close my eyes to compose myself before I can stand to take inventory.

“Okay,” I say, drawing in a deep breath. Luke releases my arms, and I step around him, trying to ignore the loud crunching of glass under my shoes. “I – I don’t see anything missing,” I whisper, “It looks like everything is here.”

Dan and Luke exchange a worried glance, but before I can question it, Luke looks back at me. “Come on, let’s check the other rooms. Since the stereo and TV aren’t in here, we need to check those rooms.”

I nod mutely, not knowing what else to say. The worried looks they keep exchanging make me feel out of the loop, but I can’t seem to focus on those now. I walk them down the halls towards the bedrooms and offices, figuring we may as well check up here first before heading down to the home theater Nathan put in as well as the massive rec room set up with every game imaginable.

The bedrooms, ours, Mere’s, and the spares, are all in the same pristine condition they were in when I left. I glance at Luke, who is rubbing his hand over his face. “What else, Hales? Downstairs? The kitchen?”

I nod, leading them first through the kitchen, which is torn apart, but missing nothing, and then downstairs, which is also untouched.

“Shit,” Dan curses when we get to the last of the rooms.

“What?” I ask, fear palpable in my voice.

“Haley,” Luke sighs, looking at me nervously, “If, ah, if nothing is missing, that means that Nathan probably did this.” I nod, having figured that out. “And now he’s not here. Haley, he loved this house. If he – “

“If he did this, he’s pretty messed up,” I figure out, shuddering as it all hits me hard. If he did this, he’s more messed up than any of us thought. “God, where is he?”

“We’ll find him,” Dan says quietly. “We have to. Where should we start looking?”

“Haley,” Luke snaps again, shaking me gently, “Hey, I know this is hard, Hales. I know you weren’t expecting this. But you need to help us out here. Where does Nathan hang out? Where should we look for him?”

I shake my head, tears blinding me. “I don’t know, Luke! God, I don’t even know what bars he goes to with the guys! I don’t even think he’d want to be with them now anyway. He could be at any of the dives in town.”

“Shh, calm down, Hales, calm down. Can you call someone who might know? Who does he usually hang out with at the bars?”

I sniffle, wiping my eyes. “I’ll call Melissa, she might know where they go. She’s married to one of his teammates.”

“Okay, okay, good,” Dan encourages, “We’ll, ah, just clean up a little in here while you do that, okay?”

“No!” I burst out, not wanting anyone else to touch mine and Nathan’s things, “I’ll do that. I – I want to do that myself, okay?”

“Are you sure, Haley? We don’t mind, and there’s so much glass everywhere that we should really get it off the floor.”

“No, thank you, but I’d like to do it myself, please.”

“Okay,” Dan agrees reluctantly, “I’ll get a phone book and see if there’s anything that catches my eye, okay? I doubt it’ll give me much to go on, but we need to start looking somewhere.”

Luke nods, looking around the room again. “I’ll go grab the bags and put them in here. We’ll figure out where we’re staying later, okay?”

I nod, walking into the kitchen and getting the phone. I quickly dial Mel’s phone number, pacing while I wait for someone to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hi, is Melissa there?” I ask, my voice shaky.

“Yeah, can I tell her who is calling, please?”

“Damien, it’s Haley James.”

“Oh, Haley,” he says, surprised, “How are you doing, Haley? How’s – how’s Nathan?”

“I – that’s why I was calling, actually. Maybe you can help me. I took Meredith back home with me after Nathan got out of the hospital, and I just came back today, and he’s gone. The house is trashed, and I – I don’t know where he hangs out.”

“Oh, shit, Haley, I'm so sorry," he sighs, "Okay, okay. Here, you got a paper and pen?”

“Yeah, I do,” I assure him, grabbing something to write on.

“Okay, there are a few places we hang out. I don’t know if he’ll be at any of them since I think he’s trying to keep a low profile, but it’s the best I got.” He rattles off about eight places, three of which are clearly strip clubs, judging by the names.

“Thanks, Damien. I’m sorry to drag you into this – I just don’t know what else to do right now.”

“I’m really sorry about everything, Haley,” he sighs, and I can tell he means it, “I should’ve known, right? Nathan didn’t party at all our first year here. Never even wanted to. When he started coming out with us, I should’ve known something was up.”

“Well, I didn’t know either,” I sigh, “And I lived with him, so I don’t think you have anything to feel bad about at all.”

“You know, Nathan’s a good guy. He’s messed up right now, but he is a good guy.”

“I know,” I agree, “Thanks for that. And please say hi to Melissa and the kids for me. I miss them, and I know Mere does, too.”

“Well, you guys are always welcome here, and whenever you get the chance, bring her over here for the afternoon, okay?”

“I will. Thank you, Damien. This is really helpful of you.”

I hang up the phone with him, and pass the list to Dan, who starts looking these places up in the phone book and jotting down addresses to go with them. He grimaces when he sees what is on the list, shaking his head.

“Okay, I’ve got the addresses of all these places. Do any of the cars have those GPS map systems?” he asks me.

I nod. “They all do, Nathan is insistent on things like those,” I sigh, “I guess they’re finally coming in handy.”

“Okay, Luke, why don’t you come with me?” he suggests, “I don’t know what shape he’ll be in when we find him.”

“Yeah, let’s go,” Luke agrees.

“What about me?” I ask, not knowing what I should be doing right now with all this.

“You can come with us, of course,” Dan says, “Or you can stay here in case he comes back. We don’t know that he will, of course, but he might.”

I nod. “Someone should be here if he does,” I agree, looking around the kitchen at the scratched and scarred marble counters, the dented wood floors, the drapes torn off the windows. “I can start cleaning.”

Luke stares at me, concern etched across his face. “Hales, I don’t know, maybe you should come with us. You don’t want to sit around here by yourself, right?”

I shake my head. “He might come back,” I insist, “And this is our house, and it can’t be looking like this. I won’t let it look like this.”

There is probably a manic quality to me right now, but I don’t care. At this point, I need something to focus on to keep me from thinking the worse, and if that is trying to salvage something from the wreckage of our house, then that’s enough for me. It is something I can do, and it is something I’m going to do.

“Okay, if you’re sure,” Luke sighs, and I can’t really believe he’s being so weird about myself. Does he think I’ll use the broken glass to slit my wrists? I’m hardly that far gone. If nothing else, I have Mere to think about.

“I’m sure, just go. Find him, please.”

Luke gives me a hug, and Dan pats me on the shoulder before they leave. I walk them to the door, closing it behind them, leaning my forehead against it. I don’t want to turn around and see the mess behind me again. It was heartbreaking to see the first time and with Dan and Luke here, but I don’t know if I can handle seeing it on my own.

I must stay here like this, face pressed against the door, for at least ten minutes after they leave, unmoving. I finally do turn around, though, knowing that I can’t pretend like it isn’t behind me forever. And my heart just breaks all over again seeing the mess.

“My God,” I breathe, terrified of what state Nathan is currently in, scared about where he could be and what he is doing. “I shouldn’t have left him, I should’ve known it wasn’t over,” I whisper to myself.

Unable to stand it any longer, I start putting the cushions back on the couch and the chairs, ignoring altogether my destroyed bean bag chair. That is something I cannot take the time to acknowledge right now.

I hang back up all the frames where the glass is still intact, and I right the lamps and the coffee tables that were overturned. Some of the vases that were knocked down contained flowers and water, so those messes take a little longer to clean up, and I know for one of the spots, the wood is probably stained from the water.

I cut myself when I’m cleaning up the glass, but I’m so numb that I don’t notice it until I see the blood smeared on the floor. And I don’t even care; just sit here and let it bleed. God, what can go wrong will, I guess. Because everything has gone wrong. All of this is so, so wrong.

Chapter Five – Landslide

‘Well, I've been afraid of changing,

'Cause I've built my life around you,

But time makes you bolder,

Even children get older,

And I'm getting older, too…’ – S. Nicks

~*~Late June, 2013~*~

I manage to pull myself together somehow, but I’m still not sure how I managed that one. I bandaged my hand. The cut is pretty deep, and I debated going to the urgent care clinic in the neighborhood, but decided against it. What’s an ugly scar when your life is falling apart all around you, right? And mostly, I just wanted to be here when Luke and Dan get back, hopefully with Nathan.

They’ve been gone for hours now. And with each minute – no, probably each second – that passes, more hope melts away. They haven’t found him. They’d be back here by now, or one of them would’ve called me – they know how worried I am. They wouldn’t let me sit here in this state of worried agony if they’d found him.

I feel like I’m trapped in some lame song about seconds ticking away and time slipping into the future. If there was something I could, somewhere I could go, that I thought would help, I’d do it in an instant. But I can’t think of anything. When the phone rings, I’m so excited to have a distraction, any distraction, that I barely stop to think of the possibilities of who is on the other line.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this the residence of Nathan Scott?”

“Yes, it is, may I ask who is calling?”

“Yes, this is Leslie Faustis from KPLZ news in Seattle. I was hoping to speak with him and get a comment on his possible suspension or dismissal from basketball.”

“Nathan has no comment,” I sigh tiredly into the phone, “And we would greatly appreciate it if you did not call this number again.”

“Are you his girlfriend?” she tries, “Do you have a comment? Would you be willing to speak with us regarding your boyfriend’s current troubles?”

“No, I would not. I have no comment.”

“Please, miss, you might be doing him a big favor if you speak with us, tell your side, and his side, of the story.”

I roll my eyes at her persistence. “I’m sorry, I really have no comment on this.”

I hang up after that, vowing to let the machine get anymore calls that come in on the house line. I’m surprised to see that not only is the message light flashing, but that we have fifty-four messages on there. God, I wonder if he’s been gone from here longer than we’d figured.

I listen to the messages, about half of which are from me and Mere or Deb. The rest are from various media outlets or people associated with his team, including the head coach, the GM, teammates, and even his trainer. Some are concerned, some angry, and the members of the media just sounding hungry for the story.

It sickens me that they would call here, call our house, trying to hound a story out of him. Of course, even sicker was the fact that they camped outside our driveway for at least a day waiting for someone to emerge and give them something they could sensationalize and run with. It is almost hard to blame Nathan for trashing things here and leaving, if even before he left it was like this with the phone or worse. And it probably was worse. Of course it was worse.

This is so hard, sitting here realizing what hell this has been for him over the past weeks, but also stewing in my own pain, so much caused by his actions and choices. He has a problem, I know that, but I can’t hold him blameless, either. And I want to. I want to forget all this and forgive him. But that wouldn’t do him any good, and right now, I need to do good for him. I owe that to him, no matter what he or anyone else thinks.

But right now, there is nothing for me to do. I managed to call some people who specialize in reupholstering furniture, as much of ours needs it now. And I also called some people who frame pictures, since so many of ours are broken now. The carpet cleaners were called, as well as an outfit that promises to correct stains on hardwood floors. It wasn’t much, not really, but at least I can feel like I accomplished a tiny something. It is better than nothing, I suppose.

But it is after business hours now so I can’t call anyone else for the time being, and I’ve cleaned up everything here that I can. So all I can do is sit around with my cut hand raised in the air, and try not to think of where he could be and what he could be doing. Or worse, what kind of shape he is in.

It’s a nice evening outside, and our house is one of the few in this area that doesn’t share a dock or lawn with neighbors. The property here on the lake is so coveted that the houses – these beautifully designed multi-million dollar homes – are quite crowded in here. It is a sight to see when you cross the lake on the bridge from Seattle. It almost looks like the pictures of San Francisco townhouses, all together in a row, just more stacked and separated by tall fir trees. The only difference is, each of the houses here are unique and huge and could be on the cover of Architectural Digest.

But Nathan, when he found this house, found one that actually had privacy from the neighbors. I know he spent more for it, but it was one of the few times I really agreed that it was right to spend that extra money. And I’ve never been happier for it than I am now, when I can go outside, into our yard, even walk down to the dock without being seen or stared at by neighbors wondering what is going on here with Nathan.

And this is where I am when Lucas and Dan get back hours later. Luke comes outside to find me, looking relieved when he spots me on the dock. I’m sitting on the edge, feet dangling over into the water.

“Hales? You okay? What happened to your hand?”

“You didn’t find him,” I state, not answering his questions, “I figured you hadn’t. You would’ve called me so I wouldn’t worry if you had.”

“Haley, your hand is bleeding, kiddo, what happened?” He’s concerned, I hear it in his voice and I see it on his face, so I take pity and make the effort to focus on what he’s saying.

“It was a piece of glass. Got me pretty good,” I sigh, “That was a couple hours ago, maybe I should go to the clinic now that you and Dan are back.”

“Dan’s still looking, Hales. He’s going to stop by all the places Damien told you about periodically until they close tonight, hoping to catch him. We aren’t giving up, I promise,” he says, sitting down beside me and unwrapping the bandage I put on my hand. “But I’ll take you to get this stitched up. No, don’t argue,” he says when I start to protest, “Haley, it’s deep, you might have severed some tendons or caused nerve damage. Can you wiggle your fingers?”

I do so. “They’re numb, though,” I admit, letting Luke help me to my feet. He turns to go inside, but I stay still for a minute. “Isn’t it pretty out here? Nathan and I would spend so much time out here with Meredith feeding the ducks or swimming, even. Sometimes I’d even let him get me out on the boat or the jet-ski, even though I tell him I hate how fast he gets them going. I really love it, though. There’s such a rush in it, and it made me happy to do something with him that he liked so much.”

“Haley,” he sighs, “Don’t do this to yourself. Come on, let’s just go get your hand cleaned and stitched up, okay?”

“You know,” I continue, ignoring him, “We were going to take Mere out on one of the jet-skis this summer. We couldn’t go fast with her on it, of course, but she loves being in the water. We figured if we stayed close to the shore and had her in the lifejacket, it would be fine. She loves the boat already.”

“Come on, Hales, it won’t do you any good to do this right now.”

“Well, when will it do me good, Luke? Huh? That’s all I have at this moment, good memories. I don’t have Nathan, and we don’t even have a clue where he is! I’m really panicking over that, but if I think and talk about what we’ve done, what we plan on doing, well, it gives me a tiny shred of ability that I can use to maintain some fucking dignity. Why won’t you let me have that?”

“I’m sorry,” he sighs, “I am. I didn’t know, I thought it was making it worse.”

“Well, it isn’t,” I say softly, “It – maybe it is, but it doesn’t feel like it right now. But let’s forget it for now. We can go to the urgent care clinic in Medina. We can have my hand looked at, okay?”

“Thanks, I’ll feel better once you get some stitches in there. You’ll need at least a half dozen, probably more,” he agrees, “And I am sorry, Hales. I wasn’t trying to tell you what to do or what you should feel. I just thought it might be better, easier, if you weren’t thinking of him constantly.”

“What else am I supposed to think of, Luke? I’m here, at our house, and he’s gone. He trashed it before leaving, so he’s either out of his mind pissed off at me, or he’s out of his mind high on God knows what. Or, worst case and most likely scenario, both.”

“I don’t know,” he admits, “I don’t know what you’re supposed to think or feel or want or anything. So, I’ll just shut up about it from now on, okay?”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” I sigh, trying not to start crying again. My eyes are already burning from all the tears I’ve shed. “I know you’re trying to help, but I don’t know what help is right now, and I don’t even know if I want it anyway.”

He nods. “Well, at least let me help by driving you to get your hand taken care of.”

I agree, and let him drive me a few miles down the road. It is after hours, so we have to wait with a goofy nurse who is all excited over a baseball game playing on the TV in the room where I’m waiting for the doctor. I know that the nurse could do the stitching as well or better than the doctor, so I try and talk him into doing it now so I don’t have to wait, but he swears up and down he’s not allowed to do that.

The doctor finally deigns to show up, nearly an hour and a half later. He gives me some shots to numb my hand, which end up hurting worse than the cut itself did. He decides there is no damage to the tendons, as I can still bend and wiggle my fingers, but he isn’t sure about nerve damage, as the tips of two of my fingers are numb, but that could be due to loss of blood.

Frankly, I don’t care one way or another. I can move them, they’re fine, and I can’t feel them, which is sort of how I wish I felt about everything else. It takes little time at all to get me stitched up, and I get to go back out to the waiting room where Luke is after that. There are a few care instructions and they give me a splint to wear for the next 10-15 days until the stitches can come out, but other than that, there is nothing special to do.

“How’d it go?” Luke asks as we walk back to the car.

I manage to smile. “The nurse was dorky. Big baseball fan.”

“He doesn’t know basketball is the sport, I guess,” Luke grins, “How’s your hand?”

“Numb. From the local they gave me and possibly from nerve damage. But you were right, no tendon damage.”

“Just call me Dr. Scott,” he smiles.

“Yeah, I’ll be sure to do that,” I agree, leaning back in my seat. “Have you heard from Dan yet?” I ask, unable not to.

He shakes his head, not meeting my eyes. “Not yet, Hales. I’m sorry.”

I nod mutely, staring out the window. Neither of us says anything else until we get back to the house, shocked to find three news vans parked outside the gate, and what looks to be several different radio jockeys. In fact, I recognize a couple of them from different functions I’ve attended with Nathan the last couple of years.

“Jesus, Luke, what are they doing here?” I cry out, bile rising in my throat seeing them, swarming, waiting. As soon as they realize where our car is going, they’re on both sides, banging on the windows, pleading for comments.

“Just ignore them, Hales. Its okay, just look straight ahead, and ignore them. Don’t give them anything, okay?”

I nod, doing as he says. The only outward concession I make is the death grip I have on the seat with my unstitched hand. “I can’t believe they’re doing this,” I mutter, “It’s my fault. I answered the phone, they knew someone was here.”

“Shh, shh, Hales, it isn’t your fault. They just want a story, and this week, unfortunately that story is Nathan.” He drives slowly, but doesn’t stop the car as he pushes the button to open the gate. He does roll the window down enough to tell the reporters we’ll have them arrested for trespassing if they step inside the gate, and that we’re calling the cops now because they are loitering. “It will pass, you know,” he says to me.

Of course, the threat about the loitering does no good, but at least none of them sneak in past the gate, which is a huge relief.

“Thanks, Luke. If you hadn’t been here, I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

“You’d have screamed and cursed at them, probably,” he laughs, “You can get fierce when you have to.”

“Thank God it isn’t often,” I smile, “But this time, I probably would’ve just cried and begged them to leave me alone.”

“Nah, you’re too tough for that,” he disagrees, “You’d have given them an awesome verbal smackdown. You might’ve ended up on the news because of it, but it would’ve been awesome. Something really Brooke-like, probably.”

I snort, “I wish I had that in me now. I don’t think that kind of energy is really buzzing in me, though.”

“You ready to get out of the car and get in the house? They’re going to be shouting at us, they already are.”

I nod, hearing them. “Taking pictures, too. Glad I brushed my hair today.”

“Good girl,” he grins, approving of my little joke.

Luke sends me inside, but he goes over again to tell the reporters that they need to leave. I doubt they’ll listen, but I do appreciate the effort. I go straight into the kitchen, suddenly hungry. But that’s no surprise, I haven’t eaten anything today, not even in Tree Hill before we left.

There isn’t much in the fridge. The milk is bad, the eggs, too. But we do have cans of juice and soda, and there is frozen meat that can be defrosted and cooked, which will have to do. I should’ve thought to stop for groceries, but I suppose it is fair to say my mind is elsewhere. Luke pops his head into the kitchen, probably to make sure I’m alright, then goes to call Deb and let her know what has happened today.

I stay here, nuking some chicken to defrost it and writing out a grocery list. If I’m staying here until we find out where Nathan is, then I’m going to have to go shopping, particularly if Luke and Dan stay here, too. They’d probably love ordering pizza for at least two meals a day, but I have no interest in that. Besides, Nathan hates pizza after eating so much in college and before Mere and I moved out here, and I want food on hand for when he gets back.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Luke asks when he comes back in, “You don’t have to cook, Hales. You know that.”

I smile softly. “I know. I just need to be useful, and I was hungry, so it seemed like something to do. No one in Tree Hill will let me cook, so I guess I’m missing it a little.”

“Hey, they’re just trying to be helpful. You’re our guest. And you know, I’ll let you cook whenever you want,” he teases, and I laugh, “Besides, you got a bum hand.”

“The hand is fine,” I assure him dismissively, “Yeah, well, if Mere and I end up staying there for awhile, I might take you up on that. And my hand really isn’t so bad, Luke.”

“If we find Nathan, and he agrees to go into treatment, what are you going to do? Come back here?” he asks.

I shrug. “Most of the programs – the inpatient ones, are about a month long. And honestly, after reading the literature, it seems like that is what he’d be placed in. I’d like it if he would do it in Durham or somewhere close to Tree Hill, but if he wants to do it here, then I’m getting Mere and we’re on the first plane back.” I sigh, glancing out the window. “He’ll want, no, need, to have her nearby.”

“And you, too,” Luke tries to assure me, but I’m not having any of that.

“No, I don’t know about that. That is one thing that is definitely not a guarantee, Luke. And I don’t think that giving myself false hope or excessive optimism is a good way for me to deal with any of this.”

“So, you’d rather prepare for the worst?” he questions, blinking in surprise.

“Maybe that’s what I have to do right now. For me. Because when, or if, he decides that I’m not welcome to be a part of his life, it is really going to destroy me. And you know that, and I know that. And if by admitting to myself right now that it is even a tiny possibility and it helps down the road? Well, I’m going to need that help, I know I will.”

“Don’t underestimate him, Hales, he might surprise you.”

I nod. “Well, he might, but I can’t afford to hold my breath, you know? I just have to be prepared in case he hates me for doing this, all of this.”

“Oh, Hales, don’t do this to yourself, okay? You’re just making it worse by thinking shit like this. It doesn’t help you now, and if you have this resigned bullshit attitude when we find him, then he’s going to know it, and he’s going to use that against you!”

I shake my head. “Yeah, well, he has a lot of ammunition, right? I left him. I took our daughter. I didn’t stop to realize how sick he was. And now where is he, Luke? He’s gone! Gone! No one knows where, no one knows if he’s okay, and no one knows what he is doing! And you think he might just not be mad at me?”

“It isn’t your fault!”

“Well, it feels like it is!” I scream, not caring for once how loud I am or who it will upset. “This all feels like my fault! Because I should have known! I should’ve seen the signs! But I didn’t, and you look around this place, and you tell me if you think things will really be okay when he gets back. People who want things to be okay don’t do this to their homes, Luke!”

I’m shaking again, and I realize how badly I need to eat something. The last time I put myself under this much stress and guilt and didn’t eat or otherwise take proper care of myself, I ended up in the hospital hooked up to an IV for a few hours. God knows I don’t have that time to spare now. Not that it appears Nathan will be coming back anytime soon, though.

“Let me finish cooking, okay?” he says, noticing my shaking hands, “You need to keep your bandage dry, right?”

I nod, smiling briefly. “Thanks, Luke. For letting me off the hook there.”

“You’re welcome. Go lay down or something, I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.”

I comply, knowing that there is nothing I can do if I make myself sick over this. That was a lesson learned the hard way. So I go into our bedroom, ready to get a little sleep, but I can’t bring myself to crawl into the bed. It just doesn’t seem right. And I’ve slept there plenty of times without Nathan, usually when he was gone on road trips, but also more recently when he was out partying.

I didn’t have a problem being alone in here those nights, but now, tonight, I do. It just feels disrespectful to climb onto it now, and rest peacefully. So I go into Mere’s room, instead, and sit down on the large recliner set up in here. This room really is a paradise of comfort – all the fabrics are soft and plush, the colors gentle and soothing, and it even smells sweet in here, like her.

The thing, the problem with this room, is that it not only reminds me of how much I miss Nathan, but also of how much I miss Meredith. I didn’t call her tonight, too shell-shocked by the appearance of our house to formulate coherent thought when it was early enough, and then it was too late there to call a two year old. She’d have been sleeping by then.

And even though it has been less than a day, I miss her. I miss her every bit as much as I miss Nathan right now, but at least I don’t have to worry for her. She’s got all sorts of people around her that will take excellent care of her. But Nathan, who knows what kind of people are around him, and what they’ll do to him. Makes me want to hurl just thinking about it.

I’m so tired, and eventually, it is just easier to give in to the sleep than to continue fighting it.

~*~

“They’re still here?” I ask in disbelief as Dan hands me a cup of coffee a few mornings later.

“Yeah, don’t think they ever left. Some were tagged out by new people, but yeah, they’ve pretty much been here all night again.”

“God,” I groan, “This is such a damn nightmare. Nathan is nowhere to be found, those – those assholes are still out here, I can’t see my baby, and I hate this. I really hate this.”

“I know, Haley,” Dan says in sympathy, “We’re doing the best we can.”

“Oh, Dan, I know that,” I assure him, “I just wish there was more we could do. The sooner this all gets wrapped up the sooner I can get back to Mere and the sooner Nathan can be getting help. It’s hard, this waiting.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“How’s Deb doing?” I ask quietly after a few minutes.

“She’s holding up, not real well, but well enough, I gather. I think it is hard for her to be there when we are all here, but there is nothing she could do here, you know?”

I nod. “I feel like there is nothing for me to do, either.”

“You’re doing plenty, Haley. The thing is, there just isn’t much we can do right now period. It is sort of a waiting game.”

“I hate waiting. I didn’t even realize it until now. I mean, Mere was a week late, and I thought that was the worst kind of waiting, but this – that has nothing on this. This is the worst.”

“It’s bad,” Dan finally admits, “This helpless feeling won’t go away, and I can’t stop thinking about everything.”

“Me neither.”

“I think I’m going to go out, just canvas the places on that list again,” he sighs, and I know he’s given up the idea that Nathan will turn up at any of them, but it gives him something to do, at least. Gets him out of the house.

“Okay,” I agree, not really paying attention. The phone rings, and he motions for me to get it as he leaves. I check the caller ID, and it is Melissa’s cell phone.

“Hello?”

“Haley, oh hi, honey, I’ve been worried about you!” she exclaims, her southern accent slightly more pronounced right now, “How are you? Any word on Nathan yet?”

“No, not yet. And I’m hanging in here, I guess. It’s hard.”

“Oh, honey, do you need anything? I can bring over food or whatever it is you need, or I can just keep you company for awhile.”

“Melissa, thanks, but Nathan’s brother and father are here with me. I really am holding up. I’m not wasting away yet.”

She laughs at that. “Haley James, I know you wouldn’t let yourself waste away, you’ve got too pretty and sweet of a daughter that needs you. But that doesn’t mean you couldn’t use some female company, especially if all you’ve got now is males around.”

I agree that she can come over, knowing that she won’t let up on it until I give her the okay anyway. She’s here practically as soon as we hang up the phone, and it does make me laugh that she called me as she was circling the block basically. She flips off the TV guys that try and shove the camera and microphone in her window as she passes through the gate, which elicits a laugh from me.

“Hey,” I smile at her, giving her a one-armed hug since her other arm is loaded with a casserole dish as well as a shopping bag full of stuff, “Thanks for stopping by!”

“It is my pleasure,” she grins, her face dropping when she sees my hand and then the furniture in the living room. “What happened to your hand? And the house?”

“Cut my hand on glass when I was cleaning up in here. And here? All we can guess is that Nathan is not in a very good place right now,” I confess to her, getting another hug.

“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can help with?”

“No, I think I’ve got most of it taken care of. The rest of the people I’ve called to finish fixing things are coming this afternoon, so things should be looking put together here again.” I glance at all the stuff she is carrying. “Do I dare even ask what’s in there?”

“Well, this is my mama’s famous tater tot casserole. Which I’m guessing not many people around here would eat, since it isn’t very healthy, but it is about the best comfort food in the world, and honey, you look like you could stand to eat something with a few calories. How much weight have you lost in the last couple of weeks?”

I shake my head, fighting a smile of appreciation for her and her whirlwind activity level. It is nice to have a distraction, even if it is only for a little while. “You really think I’ve lost weight?” I ask, “I hadn’t noticed, but I’ve had other things on my mind.”

”Hon, I’ve never seen you this thin. It wouldn’t kill you to eat a burger or four, you know? I know the skinny look is in, but most men want a little meat on their women.”

I smile. “Yeah, well, let’s heat up this casserole now then, it sounds and smells heavenly. Very homey, I’m impressed.”

“I aim to please,” she grins, “How’s Meredith doing? This has to be the first time she’s been separated from you and Nathan, right?”

I nod as I put the dish in the oven. “The very first. And it is awful. She cries every time I call down there. ‘I want my mommy, I want you, Mommy’, just stuff like that. It breaks my heart a little more each time.”

“Well, at least you’ve got your family looking after her, right?” I nod. “That’s good, I’m sure they’re making sure she has a blast as often as possible.”

I laugh. “Spoiling her rotten, too. Karen, who is like my mother, was telling me yesterday that she and her husband took Mere to the zoo and then to the beach. And Keith bought her two t-shirts and three stuffed animals at the zoo, and all new beach toys for the beach. And then my best friends, Brooke and Tim, watched her that night, and they’d bought ten DVDs for her because they weren’t sure what she’d like.”

Melissa cracks up, “That is so great for her, though. I’m sure she loves all the attention. Spoiled girl.”

Upon request, she tells me what Damien and their kids are up to, and what their plans are for the summer. It is nice to listen to someone else talk about their lives, someone who is almost entirely uninvolved in this whole mess that my life is currently in right now, and the fact that she brought over some of the yummiest food I’ve ever tasted works in her favor, as well.

“Melissa, this casserole is amazing,” I tell her, “You have to give me the recipe!”

She laughs, “I’ll email it to you, hon. Oh, okay, here, I brought some other things for you. Just a few essentials. I knew you’d be a mess.”

“Thanks,” I mutter, mock glaring at her.

“I didn’t mean it quite like that, but you’re welcome nonetheless.” She pulls up the large shopping bag she’d set next to her chair. “Okay, so I stopped at the mall on my way home from work yesterday and just grabbed a few things for you. I knew how busy you’d have been, and even if you weren’t, I knew you wouldn’t be worrying about you at all, so I figured I’d worry for you. But you know, this is all just girly fun stuff that is fun to have.”

“Oh, Melissa, this is so sweet,” I tell her, genuinely touched that she’d do this. She’s bought perfume and purses and shoes and fancy chocolates and watches and lingerie samples and lotions and makeup, “You really shouldn’t have done this!”

“Well, I wanted to. You and Nathan have been so great to us since we got here, and Damien and I both appreciate that a lot. And since there isn’t much else we can do for you right now, I just wanted to do this.”

“It means a lot to me, that you would do this.” I stand up and give her a hug. “All of this stuff, it is so great. I love it.”

She’s about to say something when Luke’s bellowing voice rings out as the front door opens. “Hales? Are you okay? There’s a car in the driveway! Did you know there was a car out there?”

“Nathan’s brother and my childhood best friend,” I explain to her, “It’s his mom who is watching Mere.”

“Nathan’s mom is watching Mere?” she asks, obviously confused.

“No, Nathan and Luke have different mothers,” I explain, laughing at her expression. She shrugs it off, though. “Luke, of course I know there’s a car in the driveway, I had to open the gate for her, you dork!”

He comes into the kitchen, leaning over to give me a hug. “Hi, I’m Lucas,” he introduces himself to Melissa.

“Oh, gosh, sorry. Melissa, this is Luke, Luke, this is Melissa. And she’s married to one of Nathan’s teammates, so no flirting,” I order him teasingly.

“When do I ever flirt?” he wonders, and I roll my eyes at him. “Is that food that you’re going to share with your poor, starving brother here, Hales?”

“He calls you brother?” she asks in surprise.

I shrug. “Like I said, we grew up together. His mom and step-dad are parents to me, Mere calls them grandma and grandpa.”

“Hales, maybe you shouldn’t bother trying to explain, our family tree doesn’t exactly branch out all that much,” Luke laughs,

“Incest?” Melissa asks in horror.

Luke and I both crack up. “No, no, incest. Just – okay, Nathan and Luke’s dad got Luke’s mom pregnant at the end of high school. By early fall, he got Nathan’s mom pregnant. And then I grew up with Luke and Karen, his mom, became more of a mother to me than my own, and his uncle Keith, who is Nathan and Luke’s dad’s brother, became like a father to both Luke and me, and now they’re married, I think of them as my parents and Luke and his brother Eric as my brother. Which is weird, because Luke is Nathan’s brother, and Eric is Nathan’s cousin. Grossed out yet?”

She shakes her head slowly, trying to compute. “So, how did you escape the brotherly bond with Nathan?”

“The family wasn’t close until a few years ago. In fact, Luke and Nathan grew up hating each other, each resenting what the other had,” I explain, Luke nodding along with me as he picks off of my plate. “And then in high school, I started dating Nathan and eventually, we all became best friends.”

“It is even weirder to have lived through,” Luke grins, “And if you’d asked me eight years ago, there is no way I’d have guessed things would be like this today.”

“That is crazy, y’all,” Melissa comments, still trying to process it all. “That is a lot of information to take in there.”

“Well, it gets weirder,” Luke goes on, “Haley stayed in Tree Hill for college, and Nathan and I both went out of state. She became best friends with my ex-girlfriend and Nathan’s ex-best friend. She was engaged to the ex-best friend’s cousin, but ended up leaving him at the altar because she was in love with Nathan still.” I blush at this part, still hating this period of my life. “And then I married my ex-girl friend, Hales’ current best friend, but we divorced not long after that. And now my ex-wife is dating Nathan’s ex-best friend/one of Haley’s current best friends. Confused?”

“More than a little,” she admits, laughing. “One of you should write a book or something, sounds like a fantastic drama just waiting to happen.”

“Fantastic now, for the most part,” I admit, “But most of that stuff was anything but fantastic as it played out.”

“Yeah, a lot of it really did suck,” Luke agrees.

“Well, y’all seemed to have made it through okay. Impressive. I’m still confused, but I’ll let it go for now. Seriously, though, someone needs to write a book.”

“It’s all you, Luke,” I tell him, grinning, “You’re the scholar in the family. Plus, you’re a blood member, so it’s all you, buddy.”

“Oh, Haley,” Melissa sighs, glancing at her watch, “I’m so sorry, I’d love to stay longer, but I have to pick the kids up from Damien’s mother. She will badmouth me for a week if I’m late.”

“No problem, Melissa, thank you so much for not only the casserole and the gifts, but just coming over. It was really great to see you.”

“You, too, honey, don’t be a stranger. And it was also nice to meet you, Luke!”

I walk her to the door, and then head back to the kitchen to find Luke eating directly out of the casserole dish with a fork. “Luke, get some manners!” I growl at him, taking a bowl from the cupboard and handing it to him, “Jesus, if your mom could see you doing that, she’d probably slap you silly.”

“She’s not here, though, is she?” he asks around a mouthful of casserole.

“Luke, that’s gross,” I reprimand him, “If you do that again, I’m going to slap one of Mere’s bibs around your neck and stuff your big, overgrown ass into her high chair. How does that sound?”

“Painful?”

“I’d make sure it was,” I confirm, rolling my eyes at him.

“So, your friend seemed nice,” he tells me, “She stop by to cheer you up?”

I nod. “Yeah, she brought me all that stuff,” I tell him, pointing to all the gifts strewn across the table.

“Lingerie? Gross.” He paws through the rest of the stuff. “Well, there isn’t anything interesting in there. Couldn’t she have brought a video game?”

“Are you twelve?” I snap.

“No, but it’s you, and you’re like my sister, and that’s just gross, Haley,” he smirks. I roll my eyes at him. “What? It is! And even if it wasn’t, Nathan would kill me if I said so, right?”

I laugh at that. “Yeah, he might. Well, he might’ve, before all this, anyway.”

“He still would, I guarantee it, Hales.”

“Melissa thinks I’ve lost a lot of weight.”

He looks scrutinizing at me. “I don’t know, I don’t pay that much attention. Your collar bones are kind of sticking out. But you’ll have to ask my mom or Brooke. Or Nathan when he gets back.”

“It’s hard to eat sometimes. I don’t feel like it, or I’m not hungry when I should be, or I just don’t even care enough to think about it. But then I think about what happened after I was supposed to marry Jason, and I had stopped eating and drinking water, and I ended up in the hospital. And that just made everything worse and more stressful.”

“So, I’ll make sure you eat, okay?”

“Thanks,” I tell him, not sure why I’m so worried about this exactly, “It wouldn’t matter, I guess, but there’s Mere for me to think of.”

“Exactly. Now, keep scarfing down that casserole before I eat it all. It’s damn good, isn’t it?” he asks.

I nod. “She promised me the recipe.”

“Good, good,” he grins, “That is what you can make when we’re back in Tree Hill. I mean, if you come back.”

“Well, I’ll have to go back long enough to at least pick up Mere, so I’ll make sure to squeeze time in for your casserole.”

“So, do you feel any better?” he asks, “Now that you’ve eaten something and your friend stopped by?”

I nod. “I’m still worried and nervous and more than a little panicked, but it was really nice to have her here for a bit if only to distract me.”

“Yeah,” he sighs, looking restless. “I think Dad is starting to crack up a little. You know he feels like this is all his fault because he taught Nathan that basketball is the most important thing in the world. That’s why he’s constantly out there looking for him, even though we all know that probably isn’t going to do us much good.”

“I tried to tell him it wasn’t, but he just shrugged it off. I think he needs to blame himself – it’s easier that way, trust me.”

“You guys shouldn’t blame yourselves, though. Because that’s not fair. Neither of you made Nathan turn to drugs. Neither of you have ever given him a reason to think that’s a good idea. The onus of that is on him, Hales.”

I nod. “I know, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I could’ve done something. Like I should’ve done something. It’s just a feeling, Luke, and you can’t change feelings.”

~*~

“Oh, Brooke, I just want this all to be over,” I whine into the phone, shading the sun from my eyes. Once again, I’ve found myself down on the dock. “But we still have nothing to work with in terms of finding him.”

“Hey, you’ll find what you need, and then you’ll find him. He’s going to turn up, Tutor Mommy. The Great Nathan Scott can’t possibly pull a disappearing act that will last forever. Frankly, he wouldn’t want to.”

“I hope so. This is – I’m panicked, Brooke. Out of my mind. And it gets worse, it keeps getting worse. And there are still reporters here. Which is my fault, I should’ve never answered the phone.”

“Hey, stop blaming yourself, please? Please? Haley, you’re doing the best you can, everyone knows that.”

”Everyone except Nathan,” I mutter, trying not to cry.

“Yeah, well, he’ll know that when he comes home, okay? He’s going to see how much you love him and how all you want is for him to get better. That’s impossible to miss. It’s gonna be okay.”

“Yeah, we’ll see,” I sigh, “Can we talk about something else? Maybe about how things are going with you and Tim? Luke and I both want to know.”

“Ugh, Tim told me Luke had noticed. I can’t believe we were that obvious,” she says with a pout in her voice, agreeing without saying to the subject change, “But we are still in the process of deciding and defining what this is.”

“Still? Have you talked about it at all? He said he was going to talk to you!” I ask in exasperation. If I’m miserable, I’m going to mooch a little vicarious happiness wherever I can get it.

“Yeah, a little. But this is a big thing, and I think we want to make sure that we aren’t just projecting our friend feelings a little too far, you know?”

“Wow, that is shockingly mature for the two of you,” I laugh, splashing my feet in the water, “But it really does make a lot of sense. I’m proud of you both.”

“I feel like I got lucky with Luke, since we are friends now, you know? But I don’t want to risk a second friendship if it looks like there isn’t a chance we’ll work,” she explains.

“Take the chance, Tigger,” I softly encourage, “I think you will be so happy if you do. I really do, I’m not just saying that. But the real difference is that you and Luke weren’t friends first. Remember the arguing and the childish teasing and the constant bickering?”

“You loved it, though. And maybe I will,” she agrees, and there is a definite smile and lightness in her voice that I can approve of. “I already rock his sexual world, why not rock his all other aspects of his life?”

“Oh, God,” I groan, laughing, too, “I don’t want any information on that, you got it?”

“But last night, we were trying this new position I read about in Cosmo, and anyway, I was facing away – “

“Brooke!” I exclaim, trying to fight back my laughter, “Stop it! I don’t want to hear about your sex life! Especially if it is your sex life with Tim!”

She laughs, “Okay, okay, I will spare you the details. For now. If something really awesome comes up, though, I’m telling. You can’t stop me!”

“Ugh, you are so incorrigible, Brooke Davis.”

“Yeah, that’s me. Oh, hey, Meredith is waking up.”

“Oh, my gosh, put her on the phone right now!” I order, excited to hear my baby’s voice. “I’ve missed her so damn much.”

“Tutor Mommy, she’s still waking up, give her a second already! Am I such a bad conversationalist that you need to turn to a two year old?”

I laugh. “You know it isn’t that, I just miss her like crazy. And I’m dying to hear her voice again. The separation anxiety is killing me.”

“Aw,” Brooke sympathizes, “Well, here, I think she’s awake enough to talk now. Come here, Meredith, say hi to your mommy.”

“Mommy?” her cute little voice asks into the phone. God, I think I’m going to cry.

“Hey, sweets! I miss you, baby girl! Are you being good for Grandma Karen and Grandpa Keith? And Auntie Brooke?”

“Mommy, where you?”

“Oh, sweets, I’m at home, but I’m going to come get you really soon, okay? And then I’m not going to let you out of my sight for a really, really long time.”

“I want my mommy,” she starts crying, and I hear Brooke in the background trying to calm her down, “No! I want my Mommy!”

“I’m here, Mere, I’m here. I’ll be there really soon, I promise, sweets.”

“Mommy, I want my mommy.”

Oh, this is killer. It just absolutely kills me to hear her cry for me again, and this time over the phone where I can’t even give her another kiss. This is the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced as a parent.

“Karen took her, Hales, she was crying too hard to keep talking,” Brooke explains, and I begin crying in earnest.

“God, what am I doing to her?” I sniffle, “She’s never been away from me, and now I’ve been gone for a few days, leaving her behind in a place she doesn’t know with people she’s barely comfortable with? What kind of mother am I, Brooke?”

“Well, I think you’re the kind willing to do anything keep your family together, Haley. Isn’t that the point of all this?”

“Yeah, and a fat lot of good it is doing, right?” I mutter sarcastically, “I call my daughter to talk to her and get her sobbing, and then I sob, and my boyfriend is missing. Still. And all I’ve done is try not to run outside and scream at the reporters who think my sidewalk is their new home and clean up a little!”

“There isn’t anything you can do!” she tries to soothe me, “You guys don’t know where he is, and it is pointless to drive around and hope. I know that’s what Dan is doing, Tutor Mommy, but I don’t think it will make much of a difference. That’s a big city, and if he wants to hide, he’ll be able to.”

“The longer he’s gone, the more things I think of to worry about,” I admit, quietly crying, “And each thing seems worse than the previous.”

“Oh, Hales.”

“And now Dan is trying to talk to people over at the team, and find out what they said in that meeting. He thinks it might help if we know exactly what Nathan is looking at. If we know what he knows.”

“That sounds reasonable,” she agrees.

“But they’re having a press conference this morning. And Dan and Luke both seem to think it will be about Nathan. Which isn’t a good thing if they don’t care if he’s around for it or not.”

“Oh, no, and they’re afraid that means they’re releasing him or suspending?”

“Probably releasing,” I choke out, “The league would do any suspending or banning, but Luke and Dan both are guessing this is a preemptive strike to show the team takes a tough stance on steroid and drug abuse as well. And you know I never cared about basketball really, if it made Nathan happy, I was happy, but this is going to hurt him, so bad.”

“Maybe that isn’t what this is about,” she says, trying to sound hopeful, but comes off more as…resigned, I guess.

“Yeah, well, I can’t think of anything else it could be, and more to the point, neither can Dan or Luke. And we really want to find out if he’s aware of this before the press conference, and if he isn’t, ask them to hold off until we find him.” I sigh, laying down on the dock. “Could you imagine if he found out he lost his job over the TV or radio?”

“God, I’m so sorry you’re going through all this, Tutor Mommy,” she sighs, sounding a little teary now, too, “I wish I was there to help you.”

“Thanks, Tigger. And you are helping me, by listening and by giving Karen and Keith a hand with Mere. I really appreciate that.”

“Well, that is almost a complete pleasure. She’s a really good little girl, Hales. Sometimes she cries for you and Nathan, but that’s the only part that is stressful. I always feel like maybe she won’t stop crying, especially when she realizes that she’s stuck with whomever of us that are here. And I feel so bad.”

I know she didn’t mean to, but it really does make me feel worse to hear about Mere crying for either Nathan or me. The thought of her holding her arms out and calling for us just breaks my heart.

“God, I wish I was there with her,” I sigh brokenly.

“Maybe you should come back here, Haley,” Brooke suggests gently, “I mean, let Luke and Dan do the hard part and find him. It would be better for you and Mere if you were together now, I think.”

“Oh, Brooke,” I sigh, wiping tears away, “I can’t. If I’m not here, I don’t know if he’d agree to rehab. Because I’m the only who can play the Meredith card, you know?”

“You’d do that?”

“I don’t know, I don’t want to. I’d hate it if I have to. But let’s face it, things might come down to me threatening not to let him see her if he doesn’t get his act cleaned up. It would be the worst thing, you know? That is something he would undoubtedly not forgive me for, if I had to blackmail him into rehab by threatening to not let him see her.”

“God, I hope it doesn’t come to that,” she sighs, “That wouldn’t go over very well with him, now would it?”

“Yeah, probably not,” I agree, “Is Mere still crying?”

“No, it sounds like Karen has got her settled down. I think she’s running after Eric again. You know, you’re going to have to explain to that child that they’re related to each other,” she laughs, “Because I think Mere is in love with him right now.”

“She’ll figure it out,” I smile, wiping more tears away, “I’ll let her have her fun now, though. She’s still just a baby.”

“It is really cute to watch her chase him around, though,” Brooke admits, “And Eric is pretty sweet about it – I think he likes the attention.”

“Well, what better kind of attention is there than that of a doting two year old? I can’t think of any right now.”

“It is great,” she admits, “I like being Aunt Brooke.”

“Yeah? I’m glad, she’s so gonna adore you,” I assure her, “You know, she has Luke and Tim, so you’ll have to double up to out-do them, but if anyone can, I know it’s you.”

“Does that mean I can take her shopping tomorrow and shower her in everything pink?” she asks, laughing.

“Go for it,” I agree, “But be warned, she isn’t always the best shopper. Likes to pull things off the racks and put her sticky hands on everything. And her daddy would flip if we started dressing her in all pink, you know. He’s pretty patient with me in terms of the girly stuff I put her in, but he makes sure she has her little sweat suits, too.”

“Oh, well, maybe I’ll just go buy her everything in pink and bring it back here,” she amends, “I don’t need your little felon getting me kicked out of my favorite stores, now do I?”

“Probably not,” I laugh.

“She really has been a joy to have around, though. Didn’t know how much I liked kids until I got to spend time with her like this.”

“What, you going to get knocked up now?” I tease, “Got a maternal instinct to satisfy?”

“God, no, I don’t even know if Tim and I are dating yet,” she reminds me, “A baby does not fit into that equation.”

“Have you ever thought about it? I mean, you’d both make great parents.”

“Oh, Haley! Hell, no!” she exclaims, “I mean, I have no experience with children. In fact, there are very few children I actually like. Your adorable girl and Eric are about the only exceptions to that! There is no way I am even thinking about it.”

“Well, let it be known that I think both you and Tim would be great parents. Not that I’m trying to push you into anything, I’m just saying.”

She laughs a little. “Ready to be Aunt Haley?”

”Well, it’s pretty clear Lucas isn’t dying to go down that route, so I have to get my fill of nieces and nephews somewhere, right?”

“Yeah, I guess so. Don’t hold your breath for me, though. It isn’t going to be anytime soon, I’ll tell you that.”

“Well, I would’ve said the same thing before I got pregnant with Mere, so you just never know, Tigger.”

She laughs at that. “Oh, believe me, we’ve got about six kinds of birth control going on here, Hales. I mean, I’m on the patch, and I make him use condoms. Okay, that’s only two, but still, no baby makers are getting through that.”

“Oh, Tigger, you’re no fun,” I complain.

“Hey, someday, just not these days.”

“Okay, that’s fair enough.”

“Hey, can I make a suggestion? And you can totally tell me if this is none of my business, it won’t hurt my feelings a bit,” she blurts out.

“Yeah, of course. I’m open to all suggestions these days,” I assure her.

“Okay, well, this might seem like an invasion of privacy, but if all of your bank accounts are in both of your names, then you could check recent activity. I mean, at least you’d know where he was spending his money, right? And we both know Nathan can’t stop spending money.”

“Oh, my God, you’re a genius!” I enthuse, nearly squealing in delight. I sit up, jerking my feet out of the lake, and jump to my feet. “Oh, my God, and I am such a moron for not thinking of that sooner! Shit, we do our banking online, too. I probably won’t have to call anyone, except for maybe today’s transactions.”

“Well, I finally feel useful!” she enthuses, “It just popped into my head now when I was talking about buying out the stores for Mere!”

“Oh, God, Brooke, thank you, thank you, thank you! This – if I know where he is, where he’s been going, then maybe I can find him. God, thank you!”

“You’re welcome. Um, he’d use his cards right, and not cash?”

“I think so. I mean, we usually use our debit card for everything; neither of us carries much cash unless we think we’ll need it. And the only reason I can think he’d need it now is if he’s still buying, which is possible, but he’s also staying somewhere, and he had to pay for that someway, right?”

“I just don’t want you to get your hopes too high, just in case this doesn’t pan out, sweetie. I mean, it seems like a really good idea, but I don’t know, if he’s using cash…”

“Yeah, that could be a problem. But like I said, it is rare we use cash, and I can’t see him having changed that completely now.” I start walking towards the house, practically jogging. “I’m going to go sign onto our bank account online now and see what’s there.”

“Good idea,” she encourages, “The sooner you know, the better, right?”

“Definitely,” I agree, stopping short when I see Dan and Luke huddled together in terse conversation. “Uh, Brooke? I think have to go.”

“Okay, call me back when you find something out, okay?”

“Yeah, I promise that I will,” I agree, trying to remain calm and steady, but knowing from the looks on their faces that something is wrong, really wrong.

“What’s going on?” I ask quietly, setting the phone on the counter, “Come on, don’t clam up now. If you know something about where Nathan might be, then I deserve to know!”

“Hales,” Luke says softly, approaching me. The look on his face terrifies me, and a glance at Dan does nothing to alleviate that terror. Reflexively, I back away from him. “Hales, stop, listen to me.”

“I don’t know if I want to,” I admit, stopping when my back hits the door I had just closed, “I don’t like the look on your face, Luke.”

“Hales, Dad talked to someone in the upper levels of the Sonics management team. They are definitely terminating his contract for violation of the league’s drug policy. The league hasn’t made a ruling on whether or not he’ll be able to play elsewhere, but he’s definitely out of a job here. And he does know that, so we have to take that into account. They’re going to announce it this afternoon.”

“Shit,” I curse, banging my head back against the door, “Shit!”

“That’s not all, though,” he sighs, and my attention snaps back to him. Dan is seriously struggling to maintain his composure, and upon closer look, so is Luke. “I talked to someone at the county sheriff’s department yesterday,” he admits, “I didn’t think you’d like that, so I didn’t tell you. What they did was basically put his description on a list to be matched against any John Does that are brought. I got a call a few minutes ago, Hales.”

“Okay, so he’s in jail, we can bail him out,” I tell them.

“Not jail, Haley,” Dan speaks up, and I look at him in horror. “The county morgue.”

And my world just collapses.

Chapter 6 - 7

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