Getting It All Back
By Brynne
Chapter Three – The End of the Innocence
‘But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by man
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence’ – D. Henley
~*~June, 2013~*~
When I wake up in the morning it takes a minute to figure out where the hell I am and why Meredith is in my bed. And then, when I do realize the wheres and the whys, it hits me like a ton of bricks and I start crying. In bed. Like a pathetic, helpless loser.
The ringing of my phone, placed on the table next to bed so I could hear it if Nathan calls, and I reach over and grab it, noticing I’m too late to keep it from waking Mere up. “Hello?” I answer breathlessly, hoping that it is Nathan on the other end.
“Haley?” Oh, thank God, it is him. If I wasn’t already crying, I’d probably cry now, in relief that he’s actually calling me.
“Nathan, oh, I was so worried about you,” I sigh, “Mere’s starting to wake up now, I know you’ll want to talk to her.”
“Yeah, of course,” he agrees, “Yeah, that’s why I called.”
“I missed you,” I whisper, a little hurt that he doesn’t want to talk to me, as well, “Last night when we talked, you had me freaking out. Are you okay? You don’t feel sick or anything, do you?”
“Haley, stop, its fine. My heart didn’t stop, my liver is still functioning, and as far as I know, no brain damage.”
“That’s not funny,” I hiss, “I spent four days watching you in the hospital, and you were unconscious for part of that time. So, you don’t get to make jokes about your heart stopping or about brain damage, because it isn’t funny!”
“I’m sorry, Haley, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Yeah, well you did. None of this is a joke, Nathan! I don’t know why you think its okay to make it into one!”
Frustration is seeping into both of our voices, and I glance back to see Mere staring at me with wide eyes. I’m just about to put her on the phone when he starts talking again.
“Why the fuck do you think? Because it is easier that way! You think I like this, you think I like what’s become of me, the fact that I’m all alone?”
“I know you like none of this, Nathan. I know you hate it as much as I do.”
“I’m – you should also know that I talked to Coach and the GM yesterday, briefly. I have a meeting with them today. It looks like I’m going to be this summer’s poster boy for the steroids scandal.”
My heart drops to my feet as soon as he says that. “Oh, my God, Nathan, no, they found out?”
“Yeah, they did. It doesn’t look good.”
“What’s going to happen next? And how did they find out? Did the hospital notify them?”
“Let’s – I’m not ready to talk about it yet,” he says softly, “It’s a little too fresh still, Haley J. I – can we talk about something else? How’s Merry?”
“Nathan,” I sigh, thinking I should push the subject, but acquiescing to his request because I can only imagine how devastating this is for him, “Okay, fine. Mere’s fine, but she misses you.”
“I miss her, too,” he says, sounding choked up, “I miss both of you.”
“Oh, Nathan,” I sniffle, trying not to cry again. I’m supposed to be strong, both for Nathan and for Mere, and I think I’m doing a pretty crappy job of it so far. “Here, she’s awake, let me put her on the phone for you.”
”Yeah? Okay, I can’t wait to hear her voice.” I smile at that, rolling over to face Mere who smiles at me.
“Hey sweets, Daddy is on the phone!” She lifts her head off the pillow, and I pull myself into a sitting position, and then set her on my lap. “Say hi to your daddy!”
“Daddy!” she squeals, “Daddy read me!”
Of course, I can’t hear his response to her although I try and get my ear close enough, but whatever it is, it makes her giggle and chatter loudly and excitedly to him for about fifteen minutes. When she says a loud ‘bye-bye Daddy’ followed by a squeal, I put the phone back to my ear.
“You made someone very happy this morning,” I note, smiling at Mere as she jumps off the bed, a ball of energy even first thing in the morning. Sometimes I wonder how I ever keep up with her. “She’s bouncing around like someone just gave her a triple shot latte.”
“She’s always doing that,” he points out with a small chuckle, “But talking to her improved my day, and I’ll take what I can get.”
“Nathan?” I ask gently, “Why are you up so early, baby?” It’s only 8 here, so of course it is 5 there, and if he was drinking last night and is just out of the hospital, I’d have hoped he’d sleep more.
“Couldn’t sleep,” he sighs, “Just thinking about everything. How fucked I am now.”
“Nathan, come on, don’t talk like that.”
“Why not, Haley? It’s true, right? I’ll be made a scapegoat for the steroids thing, even though – even though I just want to get past all this, it won’t matter. My career is over. You and Mere are gone. I’m just fucked over, Haley. And it is my own fucking fault, too. You can say it, go ahead and say it. It is my own damn fault.”
“Oh, Nathan, babe, you are going to get through this. We are all going to get through this. Why don’t you come out here now?” I ask desperately, “Come out here and we can find a treatment facility here, okay? And then you’ll be close and we can work on this with everyone who loves us, right?”
“I don’t know, Haley, I don’t want to be around ‘everyone’. It’ll be too much, and I don’t want to do it.”
“What? Nathan, why not? It’s your family! They’re going to love and support you through this, all of them. They’ll want to be here for you!”
“Is any of this really about what they want?” he points out, “Look, you get a say in this, Haley. You do, but no one else. Just you and me, okay? It’s our life, you, me, and Mere. So we decide this.”
“Yeah, okay, of course, Nathan,” I stammer out, so intensely thankful that he’s talking to me about this, letting me in on this that I could start crying all over again. Instead, I just throw a big beaming smile Mere’s way. I know I won’t be able to keep it ‘just us’ because I’m going to need our families help, but that he wants me involved is overwhelmingly good right now. “What are we going to do? I mean, what do we have to decide?”
“I don’t know yet,” he admits, “I have to go to some meetings with the GM and Coach and some other ‘high-ranking’ team officials. I guess they’ll spell things out for me.”
“It’s going to be okay, Nathan,” I try and assure him as soothingly as possible.
“How, Haley? How will it be okay? What am I supposed to do without basketball? It’s been – my whole life, that’s what it has been at some points. I’m not saying it is now because you know it isn’t, but it is still there, this huge looming and large presence, and now it will be gone?”
I wish I could assure him that I knew it wasn’t his whole life, or at least the biggest thing in it, but with all that has happened, I can’t. I mean, he was willing to take drugs and steroids for basketball, which led us all to this point. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he didn’t want things to turn out this way, but that he still brushes it off like it was nothing scares me. It scares me for him.
“We will find a way, Nathan. Look, I know you’re scared about the meeting today. Just relax, okay? You don’t know what they’re going to say, what they’ll do, right? Maybe they’ll surprise you, and it won’t be as bad as you think!”
“Haley,” he sighs, “Look, it just doesn’t work that way, okay? They won’t sweep something like this under the rug. Besides, there’s something else you should know.”
“What?” I ask hesitantly, a little afraid of what he could say.
“It’s leaked to the media,” he mutters, and I can hear the broken quality in his voice, the shame behind it all. God, I wish I was there with him to hold him, protect him from all of this. “The local news has been camped outside the gate to our driveway all night. They wouldn’t even leave when I told them to.”
“Nathan, call the police! My God, we live in a gated community, you would think that would offer up some privacy and protection!”
He chuckles lightly, the sound bringing a smile to my face despite the subject at hand. “Haley J, you know that lady on channel 4 lives down the street. I’m sure she let them all in.”
“Nathan, it is still our home, and there is no reason for them to be out there! If they don’t leave soon, seriously, baby, call the police,” I prod, knowing that having them there is probably making him feel cagey and tense, even more than he already was.
“I hate this,” he admits, “I hate all of this.”
“Me, too,” I promise him, “I hate it, too. I hate it for us, I hate it for you.”
“I’m sorry,” he chokes out, “I didn’t mean to scare you or put Meredith in danger. I love you both so much, and I’d never hurt either of you.”
“I know, Nathan,” I whisper, glad that Mere’s found some of her toys and some that must be old ones of Eric’s in the corner and is engrossed in them, not what I’m doing.
“Come back, baby. If you come back, everything will be okay. I know you can fix this for me, Haley, I know it. I just need you here.”
He thinks I can fix this for him. I – I don’t even know what to do with that. Should I be flattered that he thinks so highly of me? Should I worry about his sanity if he believes things so egregiously untrue like that? Should I wonder if he’s just saying whatever he thinks it will take to get me back there? Maybe a little of all three.
“I can’t fix things, Nathan. I didn’t make this mess in the first place, and you have to take some steps to rectify them yourself, too,” I say firmly, with a resolve I don’t know if I can hold onto, “I need you to do that for me, for us!”
“I don’t know if I can,” he admits, his voice a little colder, “I don’t know if that is something I can do for you, Haley.”
“Yes, you can!” I yell into the phone, forgetting where I am and that Meredith is sitting on the floor, “Damn it, Nathan, you don’t have a choice! You will make an effort here! For the sake of your family!”
“How? How am I supposed to do that, Haley? What do you want me to do?”
“I’ve told you, Nathan! Go to rehab, find a program. Just get better, because right now, you’re not well.”
“You’re not even here to know what I am,” he retorts angrily.
“I was there yesterday, Nathan! And I know you better than anyone, and I can tell you’re in pain just by listening to you. You’re sick, you need to get help. And – and I’m not saying this to hurt you or scare you, but until you get help, Mere and I are staying here. I mean it, Nathan, I can’t afford to bend on this one. I won’t let harm come to you or Mere, even if it means you’ll hate me.”
“I don’t hate you,” he sighs, “I never could. But I’m just mad that you aren’t here, and I’m even madder that you’re in Tree Hill.”
“Nathan, our family is here,” I remind him, puzzled. I move off the bed to the floor by Mere, trying to reassure her after my outburst. I can’t believe I did that with her in the room.
“Yeah, and I thought I was your family.”
“Oh, don’t do that to me, please,” I plead softly with him, “You know you are the center of my universe, Nathan. You always have been.”
“No, I haven’t,” he corrects me, “And the last time I wasn’t is when you were there, in Tree Hill, without me. Is that how it’s going to be again? Are you going to make new friends and get engaged to other dudes?”
“Nathan!” I gasp, appalled that he’d say something like that. Appalled that he might even think something like that.
“I’m sorry, I am,” he mutters immediately, but the words are still out there, and I wonder if he trusts me at all. I don’t think any of this stems from what happened when we were broken up, but more from me leaving with Meredith now more than anything. It still hurts to have him throw it in my face. I regret more than anything my separation from Nathan during that time, and I’ve tried to make that clear to him.
“Yeah, I should go, Nathan,” I sigh, “Mere’s awake, and I should take her to the bathroom and see if she’s hungry.”
“I don’t want you to go,” he tells me, “I want to hear your voice right now.”
“Nathan, I’d talk to you all day if I could, but Mere needs food. And to use the big girl potty,” I grin at Mere, talking to both her and Nathan.
“Yeah, of course,” he agrees, sighing, “I – I love you, Haley. I know it’s been hard, all of this, but I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I assure him.
“Well, love is never the issue with us, is it?”
“Yeah, I guess it never has been,” I agree with a small smile.
“No, it really isn’t. But I just wanted to say it again, just to make sure you knew. I know I’ve been extra hard on you the last few days.”
“Shh, it’s okay,” I assure him, “I can’t say I know what you’re going through, because I don’t, but I know it is hard and that you’re dealing as best you can. So as long as you get help, Nathan, everything is going to be okay.”
“Tell Merry I love her, please,” he requests, “And tell her that I love her mommy, too.”
“Oh, Nathan, I love you. So much.”
“Yeah, I know. I know.”
“Okay, we’ll call you tonight. I love you, Nathan, that’s never going to change, and it is never going to go away.”
“Be safe, baby. Goodbye.”
We hang up, and I pick myself up off the floor, lifting Meredith onto the bed. “Okay, baby, Mommy has to get dressed, and then we’ll go to the potty, okay?”
“Pancake?” she asks, smiling up at me.
“Yeah, we’ll find you some pancakes, I promise,” I assure her as I throw on a pair of jeans and a tank top. June in Tree Hill is a lot warmer than June in Seattle, and it was warm there, so I’m bracing myself for temperature culture shock. “Daddy loves you, baby,” I tell her, as I’m picking her up.
“Daddy, up!” she tells me, smiling like she thinks he’s here, which she probably does. I know she understands so little of this, which is both good and bad.
“Daddy’s not here. We’ll talk to him again soon, okay?” She looks like she’s going to cry, so I change the subject. “Come on, let’s go get pancakes!”
After we’ve done our bathroom business, I lead her out into the kitchen where Keith is standing over the stove. He turns around and waves at us. “How is it that the two people who are on the wrong time are the first ones up? I have a lazy family.”
I smile as I settle Mere into a chair. “Well, Nathan called, which woke me up, and then I woke her up, and God, I really, really hope I didn’t wake anyone else up.”
“I don’t think you did, although I could hear raised voices at one point,” he admits, twirling his spatula in his hand as he turns to Mere, “And what do you want for breakfast, kiddo?”
“Pancakes!” she enthuses loudly, banging her fists greedily on the tray of the high chair, “I ‘ant pancakes!”
“Well, it’s your lucky day,” he grins, “And you can leave her in my care if you want to go get ready. I know Luke is dragging you out for brunch with the gang this morning.”
“Yeah? Thanks, Keith, I really appreciate that. It would be nice to shower and stuff,” I sigh, dropping a kiss on Mere’s forehead, “Let me just cut her up an apple or something.”
“Haley, no, let me. I don’t get to fawn over anyone very often, and you know that once Karen gets out here, she’s going take over. Let me have a few minutes doting on my grandniece.”
There are tears in my eyes when I respond. “Thanks, Keith, that means a lot to me. All of this does, you know.”
“We know, honey. Now, go. Get refreshed. I know how exhausting your friends can be, and you’re out of practice.”
I laugh at his joke, but at the same time, it worries me. I know that the dynamics will have changed since I was last here in frequent contact with Tim, Luke, and Brooke, and I don’t know what my place is with them anymore. It isn’t that I question their friendships, especially individually, but collectively, they have a new group dynamic that I’m just not a part of.
By the time Luke gets here to pick me up, Karen and Eric have joined us and are eating breakfast. “Haley, you aren’t eating, are you?” he scolds me, bending down to scoop Mere into his arms. She giggles at him when he tosses her in the air. “She’s getting big. Keith been feeding you too many pancakes, kid?”
“Pancake!” she claps her hands in his face.
“No more pancakes for you, sweets,” I tell her, standing firm in the face of her pout, “You’ve had too many already and too little fruit.”
She scrunches her nose up when I mention fruit. “Good girl,” Luke encourages her, “Don’t let her make you eat the fruit. Pancakes are better.”
“You’re such a child,” I snot at him, sticking out my tongue.
“Yeah, and you’re so above it all, right, Miss Mature?” he snips back, rolling his eyes at me, “Did you see your mommy? She’s trouble!”
Meredith just looks at him like he’s crazy, which makes me think babies really are the most intuitive creatures around. “You’re scaring my child,” I inform him, holding my arms out for her, which she readily squirms for.
“Ah, crap, I didn’t mean to do that,” he mutters, looking like he feels pretty bad as he passes her to me, “I’m sorry, Meredith, I just like to tease your Mommy.”
She gets shy again, burying her face in my neck and tightening her hold. “Way to go, Luke,” Keith snickers, “You have as much luck with the little ladies as you do with the big ones.”
Luke flips him off, prompting Karen to scold him. “There are children in the room, Lucas, and you’d do well to remember that here.”
“Or else you can learn to cook your own breakfast,” Keith adds.
“Sorry, Mom,” he sighs, clearly feeling picked on. He turns to me. “You ready to go?”
“Yeah, I think so,” I smile at him, trying to make peace. I didn’t have to exacerbate the situation and I feel bad for doing just that. When I go to pass Meredith to Keith, she grabs me tighter and starts crying. “Hey, Mere, what’s wrong?” I ask, leaning back to glance at her.
“Mommy,” she wails, holding me tighter. I look at Luke in silent apology. There is no way I’m leaving her if she’s this upset. No way, not after the week we’ve had. I know Karen and Keith would take beyond perfect care of her, but I couldn’t walk out the door with her crying for me.
“Hales, come on, she’ll be fine,” he assures me.
“I know that, Luke. And that’s not the issue, believe me. I just can’t leave her when she’s like this. It isn’t fair to her, and it wouldn’t be fair to you guys because I’d be worrying about her the whole time.”
He pouts at me before brightening. “Well, we’ll just take her with us. You know they’re dying to see her, right? They both are!”
“I know, Luke,” I say softly, rubbing soothing circles on Mere’s back, “But this isn’t a time when I should take her out. I just don’t think that it is a good idea today.”
“Haley, you can’t avoid them forever,” he scolds, “They know you’re here, they’re your friends, and they want to see you.”
I nod. “I know, Luke, but look at her. She’s three thousand miles away from home, she knows that things have been tense with Nathan and me, and now she thinks I’m leaving her with people she unfortunately doesn’t know that well.”
He sighs, and I can tell he accepts this, but doesn’t really like or understand it. “Fine, okay. I’ll let them know what happened, okay?”
“I’d really appreciate that, Luke,” I sigh, “Don’t be mad at me. It’s just, this is really hard for me, and seeing how hard it is for her, well, that makes it unbelievably harder on me, okay?”
He walks over to us, putting an arm around me and patting Mere on the back with his free hand. “I see that, I’m sorry I was putting so much pressure on you.”
“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. And please, tell them I’ll make it up to them. Maybe I can go out tonight after she’s down. If she’s doing better, I think that would be good for me,” I offer, “And it would be nice to hang out with you all.”
“Atta girl,” he grins, “And you know they’ll understand.”
“I hope so.” I smile at him, feeling slightly better about all this. Not much, but it is a small improvement, and Mere’s cries have died down to sniffles, thank God.
“Okay, we’ll I’m going to go fill them in. I’m coming over here for dinner, and I’m dragging you out tonight, even if it is kicking and screaming.”
“It’s a deal,” I laugh, waving him out the door. Mere lifts her head and waves at him, too, even blowing him a kiss. “Well, that was a very selective tantrum,” I tell her, taking her back to the bathroom to clean her up. “Maybe we’ll go see your grandparents today,” I mention, mulling it over.
After I get Mere bathed and redressed, I find Karen in the kitchen, setting Mere down so she can run and play for awhile.
“Hey, Karen?” I ask as she passes me a cup of coffee.
“What’s up, sweetheart?”
“Would you do me a favor? Call Dan and Deb and invite them to lunch? I’d like to only do this once, but it seems like it might be nice if I surprised them with Mere, too.”
“Of course, honey, and they will absolutely love that.” She grimaces. “Well, they’ll love the first part, the surprise part.”
“They’re on good enough terms still that it is alright to do this, right?” I question, not needing to add to anyone’s problems by placing them in a room together if the tension is already high.
“They seem to be just fine. They sat next to each other at a dinner party about a week ago, and enjoyed catching up,” she relates, “So I think you’re in the clear.”
She calls each of them in turn, inviting them to lunch with her and Keith. They both accept, to my relief. I don’t know why I think this will be easier as a surprise, but it seems like it now. Except, let’s face it, when do surprises ever go right? Not very often, probably.
Karen and Keith insist I take her car, even though I protest that Mere and I could walk, since it isn’t too far to the café. I haven’t been to the second café they opened since before I moved to Seattle, and I’m kind of interested in seeing how it turned out.
I load Mere into the backseat, having dressed her up in a cute little summer dress I found at this ritzy boutique in Seattle. She looks so sweet in it, and this will probably be the only time she gets to wear it. It is one of those dresses that you just know will get ruined because it so perfect.
We park on the street, and from here, I can see them in the café, their backs to the window. There doesn’t seem to be any bloodshed, which is of course a good thing, but I can’t hear what they are saying, either. God, do I have to project my problems onto everyone? Just because things are messed up in my world, doesn’t mean everyone has the same problem.
I carry Mere across the street, setting her down when we reach the sidewalk on the other side. She hates to be carried if she doesn’t have to be, and she is getting big enough that I can oblige that particular request of hers when possible. She hangs onto my hand as I guide her over to the table where they sit waiting.
“Deb? Dan?” I call softly from behind them, Meredith clinging to my leg.
They both turn around, their expressions mirrors of the other’s surprise. “Haley!” Deb gasps, “Oh, my God, what are you doing here? And, oh, my, look at her.”
I bend down and pick Mere up so that she will be closer to their level, both of them having stood up. “Mere, say hi. It’s Grandma and Papa.”
When Dan flew out with Luke to visit us one time shortly after Mere started talking, we tried to get her to say ‘grandpa’. He wasn’t going for it, though, and taught her to say ‘Papa’ instead, which has stuck. And oddly enough, no matter how long the time between, Dan is the one person she always softens up to first. Which, I think to this day pisses Nathan off to a certain degree. I’ll never understand their relationship.
Deb rushes to hug us both, kissing Meredith on the cheek twice, and then doing the same to me. “Oh, Danny, did you know they were coming?”
“No, I didn’t,” he chuckles, “Hi Haley, hi Meredith.”
She immediately reaches her arms out for him. “Traitor,” I mutter but then good-naturedly laugh. I hope, by the time we leave here, she feels as comfortable with everyone I love as she does Dan. Then maybe all of this won’t feel like it has been in vain.
“Where’s Nathan?” Dan asks as he bounces Mere.
I look down at the ground, jolted back into the reality of why I’m here, and why Nathan isn’t. “He’s in Seattle,” I sigh, unsure how to go about this.
“He’ll be coming soon, right?” Deb asks, looking hopeful. I glance between her and Dan, trying to figure out a way to put this that won’t send them to the ER with chest pain and syncope.
“He isn’t coming,” Dan surmises from my silence, “What’s going on? Why wouldn’t he come with you two?”
I frown, realizing the folly of inviting them here. “Maybe we can go somewhere else. I’d – I think it would be for the best.”
Concern settles on both of their faces, and Deb looks near tears already. Even Mere feels it, her face a mask of confusion. Deb tells us to meet at her place, and we all head for our cars, Dan passing Mere back to me.
When we get back there, and we settle Mere in playing with some toys I’d packed for her, I immediately apologize for freaking them out. “I’m so sorry, really. I didn’t mean to alarm you guys like this, and I shouldn’t have had Karen set up the meeting at the café. I should’ve thought it through and realized this isn’t something that can be done in public.”
“And what, exactly, is this?” Dan asks quietly.
“Look, I am so sorry that I’m the one here telling you this, because it should be Nathan. God, this is something he should be telling me, but unfortunately – well, he’s put me in the position where I’m doing it instead,” I sigh, knowing I’m rambling. But I’m nervous, really nervous about this.
“Haley, please,” Deb blurts out, “I think it would be a good idea if you just told us what is going on. Easier, right?”
I nod, trying to collect myself. “Nathan is using drugs again,” I sigh, wishing I could take the words back when I see the looks of horror that flash across their faces.
“What?” Dan gasps, “How could this happen? What kind of drugs? How long? How did you find out? Is he okay?”
Deb smiles sadly, placing a hand on his arm. “Maybe you should start at the beginning.”
I nod, agreeing. “First, I just want to say that he is physically fine. But he was admitted to the hospital via the emergency room a few days ago.” They both gasp loudly at this. “I wanted to call you, but he asked me not to. He said he didn’t want to upset anyone,” I explain.
“My God,” Dan breathes out.
“It was bad, really bad,” I admit, nearing tears again as I relive it, “Um, and the doctors had an idea what was wrong, and they asked if he’d ever taken drugs before, and when I said he had, they told me they thought he was back on them. When he woke up, he admitted what the tox screen went on to prove, he was using again.”
“What was he taking?” Deb questions.
“Speed,” I tell her, “And anabolic steroids.”
“Steroids!” she exclaims, “When did he start taking steroids? This isn’t something he’s done in the past, is it?”
I shake my head. “He’s been taking them for at least eight months, he told me. Same with the speed. His playing time was diminishing, and he wasn’t gaining ground by working out without enhancements, and this is where he ended up.”
“Jesus,” Dan utters, “How long was he in the hospital?”
“Four days,” I admit, looking away. They have no idea how bad I felt about not contacting them, but Nathan asked, and I foolishly complied.
“Oh, my God,” Deb says softly, “Four days? That’s so long.”
“He was severely dehydrated, and he’s been on these things for eight months,” I point out, “His body needed time to detox.”
“Where is he now?” Dan asks tersely, “Some rehab center, I hope.”
I shake my head, tears springing to my eyes. “Unless something has changed, he’s still just at home. He’s not really interested in rehab at this point. I tried – I’m going to keep trying, but he does not like the suggestion so far.”
“Denial,” Deb sighs, rubbing her hand over her eyes, “He’s in denial. He hasn’t admitted he has a problem, has he?”
I shake my head. “Not in so many words. Oh, he knows he messed up, but no, I don’t think he realizes what a problem this is for him. For us.”
“Did he ask you to leave?” Dan asks, probably assuming I’d have stayed unless that was the case.
“No, he didn’t. He’s pretty upset with me for leaving, in fact,” I tell them, figuring total honesty is the way to go. “He – he brought drugs into the house.”
Both of their gazes fly to Mere in horror before looking back at me. “Tell me he didn’t really do that,” Deb cries, “Oh, my God, she never - ?”
I shake my head. “No, thank God. But she could’ve, it would’ve been so easy. She gets in our stuff all the time, she likes to explore. And he leaves his gym bag on the floor, and my God, what would I do if she’d gotten into them?”
“Oh, Haley,” Deb cries, moving to the couch next to me. She puts her arms around me, and I know she’s crying in earnest. “Well, thank God she didn’t.”
I nod, trying to comfort her. “He – I don’t know what to do for him. He won’t go to rehab there, and he won’t come here and do the same. And I – I can’t take Mere back there until he gets help. I just can’t do that.”
“God, no, of course not,” Dan spits out. He’s been pretty quiet about all of this except asking questions, but he hasn’t really let any emotion out until now. “You know, this is – this is my – “
“Don’t say it, Dan,” Deb warns, “Don’t say it. This isn’t anyone’s fault, it just happened. And no one is going to feel sorry for themselves or guilty. This isn’t the time for that. Right now we are going to talk to Haley and we are going to figure out what we can do to help our son.”
He looks distracted, lost in his own thoughts of guilt. Later, when Deb is doing something else, I’ll tell him it isn’t his fault. Tell him that Nathan makes his own choices, and that he’s a big boy now.
“Yeah, okay, a plan,” Dan says, refocusing. He glances over at Mere shaking his head. “I can’t believe he’d risk her. Look at her, look at how perfect, precious she is. And he chanced that, he chanced her.”
“Nothing happened, Dan,” Deb cuts in, and I know it hurts her to think of Nathan in these terms, “Let it go.”
“That isn’t the point, and we all know it. Something could’ve happened. She could’ve found a pill or a needle or whatever the hell he was using. We’re lucky and blessed that she didn’t, but it could’ve gone the other way.”
“I just – can we not focus on that?” she asks, knowing Dan is right, “Can we talk about what we’re going to do to help him?”
They both look over at me. “What are your plans, Haley?” Dan asks, and it is sort of touching they’d concede his care to me. We all know Nathan would want it that way, but since we aren’t married, they are technically his next of kin.
I shake my head. “I don’t know yet. He – he doesn’t like that I’m here, and he doesn’t want everyone involved,” I admit, causing Deb to blanch, “But maybe this isn’t about what he wants now, but about what he needs.”
“Absolutely,” Dan agrees, “We can’t worry about making him happy for now, or appeasing him. We need to get his ass into treatment before anything else happens. What’s it going to take for that to happen?”
“I don’t know. God, I wish I did, but right now, he’s so – so far from being at a point where he’ll do this. I thought that maybe, by taking Mere here, he’d realize that this isn’t going away, he has to get help. But I don’t think it’s made enough of an impact, and I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t have any other ideas.”
“Maybe if we give it time,” Deb suggests, “Maybe the longer you guys are gone the more he’ll realize that he needs help.”
I shrug. “I’d like to think so, but he’s been drinking a lot, too. He went out last night, his second night out of the hospital and got drunk.” I shudder at the last part, thinking of all that could’ve happened to him. “He’s – he’s pretty hard to reach right now.”
“You’ve told Luke, of course,” Dan surmises. I nod in the affirmative. “What does he think we should do?”
I manage a small smile. “He was ready to fly up there and drag him kicking and screaming to rehab. You can imagine how well that would go over.”
“Maybe that’s not such a bad idea,” Deb inputs, “Anything to get him some help, right?”
Dan shakes his head. “I don’t think that will work,” he sighs, “Maybe we should talk to a drug counselor here, and just get some recommendations. See how a professional would approach this. It couldn’t hurt.”
I nod in agreement, kicking myself for not having done that. “I think that’s a really good place to start,” I agree, feeling useful for the first time in this whole mess.
Meredith comes running over to me. “Macawoni, Mommy!” she orders, and I glance at my watch. God, it is 1:30 now, she ate her breakfast hours ago. Of course she’s hungry.
“I’m so sorry,” I apologize, “I didn’t even realize it was her lunch time. And Mere, do you need to go potty?” She nods at me. “I’ll take her to the bathroom, and then go find her some lunch.”
“No, Haley, let me,” Deb insists, “And I’ll make something for lunch. I would be honored to make some macaroni for my grandbaby.”
I smile gratefully at her as she leads Mere towards the bathroom. “It’s a beautiful child that you have,” Dan comments from his chair. I grin in response, always loving compliments about Meredith. “She looks so much like Nathan sometimes, especially when she’s concentrating. That look of intensity that comes across her face. That’s his look.”
“Yeah, I know. When she’s playing with a toy sometimes she’ll get that look in her that Nathan gets when he’s on the court,” I smile, “And she has his eyes. You can just get lost in them.”
“There is a lot of you in her, too,” he smiles.
I laugh. “You don’t have to say that to make me feel better. I love that she’s so like Nathan, I feel like I got lucky by getting two of them.”
“We’re all lucky to have her,” he agrees, “We really do miss you guys, you know?”
I nod. “I miss everyone, all of you, too. Nathan had all of college to adjust to being away from home, and so I think having Mere and I there with him was like a bonus. But I’ve never been away from here, and it is really hard sometimes.”
“You guys were doing okay, right?” he questions.
“Yeah, we were really good until a few months ago. And you know, I should’ve known what was going on, but I didn’t. Maybe I was trying too hard to hold everything together. I don’t know, but I missed all the clues. Everything is so obvious in retrospect.”
“You blame yourself,” he surmises.
I shrug. “I know it was nothing I did that pushed him to drugs, but I can’t help but think I should’ve known something was wrong. No, when I realized that something was wrong, that Nathan was acting outside of himself, then I should’ve done something, figured things out. At least pushed the issue.”
“Don’t do that, don’t think about what you could’ve done. We just move forward now. We’ll get him help, and we’ll get him better.”
I nod. “I just miss him, and I know he needs me now. But I can’t be there because Mere can’t be there, and she’s the one I have to protect right now.”
“Haley, I know. We all know how much you love Nathan, and everyone knows that you did the right thing coming out here. You can’t keep a baby in a house that might have drugs in it. That’s just common sense.”
“I know, but maybe I should’ve stayed at a hotel like he asked. That would’ve been a compromise, and maybe that would really have gone a long way with him. He just – this is the hardest thing he’s ever been through, and I’ve taken myself out of the picture, and probably worse, I took Mere. He worships her, and it has to be killing him not to see her all the time,” I babble.
“Yes, he does, and yes, it is probably really hard on him. But there are consequences to actions, and these are what he has to face now.”
“I’m scared,” I finally admit, “I don’t know if I can bring him back from this. And if he gets better, what if he hates me so much for leaving that he won’t want me around? I try to tell myself I’d rather have him healthy and alive even if it meant him hating me, but sometimes I don’t know if I can handle that. Him hating me, I mean.”
“I don’t think Nathan could hate you even if he wanted to,” he points out, “And I doubt he wants to. He loves you too much.”
“Everything is such a mess. I just want things to go back to how they were. We were happy, you know? It was hard sometimes, he’s gone so much, but we were happy. I was adjusting to Seattle, and Mere brings both of us so much joy. And now this. Here we are, everything crashing down around us.”
“Things are a mess now, but I know Nathan, better than he thinks or wants me to, and I know he’d never let you go. He’ll get his head on straight, it just might take him some time.”
“I’m scared for him. When he called this morning, he said the local media was there, and he had his meeting with his coaches today. And by now, the national media is probably all over this. He’s pretty sure the sanctions will be tough, that they’ll make a scapegoat out of him.”
Dan groans at the implications of all this. “He’s probably right,” he admits, “What with all the hoopla around the baseball steroids scandal, the NBA isn’t going to want to have that problem. They’re probably going to crack down, and hard.”
“Dan? Haley? I made enough macaroni and cheese if you guys are interested,” Deb comes in the room to tell us.
I shake my head, glad for the interruption. That was a hard thing to be talking about. “No thanks, I’m not really hungry.” I haven’t eaten anything today, but I still find that it is true. “I’m not keeping you guys from work, am I?”
Deb shakes her head. “No, not me, anyway. I usually only pop in at the cafés in the evenings these days.”
Dan shrugs. “The dealership manages fine without me. Speaking of which, let me get you a car for the time you’re here. I know you don’t want to have to rely on other people the whole time.”
“You don’t have to do that,” I assure him, but am pleased by the offer. It would be nice to be able to get around without having to call someone or borrow Karen’s car.
“No, but I want to. I’d appreciate it if you let me. I would feel like I’m doing something useful since we don’t know what else to do yet.”
“Thanks, Dan, I really would appreciate that. I don’t know how long we’ll be here, though. It’s kind of open-ended.”
“Then you can keep the car as long as you need it. Its fine, Haley, better for you to use it than for it to sit on the lot waiting to sell. I’ll just sell it used when you return it.”
“No, you can’t give me a new car!” I protest, “A used one is just fine.”
“Don’t argue him on this one,” Deb advises, “You’ll never win.”
“She’s right, you won’t. And this won’t be a low-end new car either, it is going to have all the features. Oh, I’ll make sure it has a DVD player to keep Meredith entertained. That’ll be good, she’d like that,” he grins, standing up, “I’m just going to go call the guys and tell them to get the car I have in mind ready.”
I don’t have the heart to tell him that Mere always falls asleep on a car trip that lasts more than five minutes, no matter what Disney movie is playing for her. Deb and I exchange a knowing glance, and she sits back down beside me.
“Meredith fell asleep on the window seat in the kitchen. We can move her out here if you’d like.”
I nod. “I’d hate for her to wake up without me there. She’s so confused by the change in scenery,” I explain, “Which I hate. She’s so young, and she won’t remember much of this, but it is really hard to see her lip quiver because she’s confused or scared or because I was yelling again.”
“She’s a bright girl,” Deb agrees, “Just talking to her while I was making her lunch and she was eating, I could tell.”
“I’m sorry you don’t get to see her more,” I tell her sincerely. When I made the decision to go to Seattle, Deb was disappointed and not just a little angry.
“Me, too,” she smiles sadly, “But that’s life, right? And I miss you and Nathan a lot, too, Haley. It’s hard, but it is always great to see her when we do.”
“We miss you, too. I know Nathan isn’t as open about that as some people are, but he does. He always has.”
We get to the kitchen finding Dan there. “Would you move her to the living room, Dan?” Deb asks. At his nod, she continues. “Put her on the huge recliner with the high arms. I’d hate for her to roll off.”
I laugh at that. “She sleeps like the dead. Doesn’t move a muscle. When she was a baby, Nathan and I used to watch her sleep, right? And we’d constantly check to make sure she was alive because she just never moved. Nathan would hold mirrors against her face to check for breath, I would lay my head against her chest to check for a heart beat. We were so panicky.”
“I’m sorry we missed that,” Dan smiles as he sets her back down on the chair that Deb specified, “That would be a side of Nathan we don’t get to see often.”
“Sounds like his best side,” Deb nods, watching Mere sleep. “Doesn’t she look like him?” she asks Dan.
“Yeah, Haley and I were talking about that earlier. She looks so much like him it makes my heart hurt sometimes.”
I watch the two of them fawn over her even as she sleeps and if Nathan were here, I think this would be perfect. This is exactly what I’ve wanted for her – having family around constantly, loving her, worrying for her. She deserves this, and I wish I could give it to her. But it means so much less than it should, and that is because Nathan isn’t here to share it with. I don’t mean to be cliché, but without him, things are hollow. Empty and meaningless.
“Would you guys mind watching her tonight?” I ask, mentally kicking myself. God, they’re divorced two years now, and they obviously don’t live together, and I’m suggesting joint babysitting excursions? Fan-freaking-tastic, Haley. “If it’s an imposition, that’s fine. I’m sure Karen and Keith wouldn’t mind,” I ramble on, probably making it worse.
“No, no, we’d love to,” Deb spills out quickly, “We would absolutely love to, wouldn’t we, Dan?”
He grins. “Of course, I can’t think of a better way to spend the evening than with Meredith. I thought you’d never ask.”
“Good,” I smile, “Luke thinks it will be good for me to hang out with him, Brooke, and Tim tonight, and he might be right. A distraction would prove good, and anyway, it is so important to me that Meredith spends a lot of time with you guys.”
Deciding to run and get Meredith’s things now, Dan follows me so I can drop off Karen’s car and he can take me to pick up the one he’s loaning me. I run into the kitchen to find Karen while Dan chats with Keith outside.
”Karen, don’t hate me,” I begin.
She laughs at that. “This an interesting way to start a conversation.”
“I’m sorry, it’s just, I feel bad about doing this to you, but I couldn’t help it when I watched them with her.” She raises an eyebrow at me, and I realized I made very little sense. “I offered to let Dan and Deb watch Meredith tonight.”
She smiles kindly. “Honey, its fine. There will be plenty of times for me to spoil her rotten. And besides, they’re her grandparents. They deserve to have first dibs.”
“No, no, no, Karen, you are like a mother to me! You are! I’m a thousand times closer to you and Keith than I’ve ever been to my parents, and you know how much I adore you and how much you’ve made me feel a part of your family. And I want Meredith to have you and Keith in her life so prominently that she learns all the things that you taught me.”
“I know, sweetheart, but they’re still her grandparents. It’s okay; don’t worry about it, Haley!”
“No, Karen, that’s what I’m saying. I want her to think of you both as her grandparents, too. Mine – my parents, you know they’re never around. But you and Keith, you were. You were always there when I needed you. And I would be so honored if you would play Grandma to my daughter.”
She pulls me into a huge, tight hug. “I love you, Haley James. And I love your daughter, and I would be so delighted to be a grandmother to her. You don’t have to ask twice.”
“Think Keith could handle being called Grandpa?”
“He’ll deal,” she laughs, hugging me again. “You really are a part of this family. You’re our daughter, and we just want the best for you.”
I nod. “Things aren't perfect now, but I think that I have the best already. I just have to find a way to get it back together, you know?”
She grins, giving me a motherly kiss on the forehead. “I love you, sweetheart. Go get your daughter’s things together.”
“Thanks, Karen. For everything. You’ve been my rock for so long now, and I don’t think I can ever thank you enough.”
“You have thanked me in more ways than you’ll ever know, sweetie,” she smiles as I back out of the kitchen.
I grab the things that Mere will need and head back to the kitchen. “Here are your keys back,” I tell her, tossing them to her.
”Hon, you can drive the car tonight. If I need something I’ll send Keith.”
“Dan has insisted on loaning me one of his cars. Decked out, of course. At least if something happens to it, we can afford to pay him for it,” I reason with a wry laugh.
“Ah, so they bribed Mere out of you by lending you a car,” she teases, “I’m onto their sneaky ways. I’ll have to give Deb a bad time about that tomorrow.”
“Okay, I’d better go. I want to be there when Mere wakes up from her nap. I don’t know how she’s going to take this, but I guess I have to start leaving her overnight sometime, right?”
Karen smiles kindly at me. “It does generally work that way, yeah.”
I hug her again and rush out the door. It is a quick trip to the dealership as Dan’s staff already has the car ready to go. And it is perfect. Brand new, shiny, sleek. Way too nice for someone with a toddler. Toddlers drool and mash crackers into things, even leather things.
“It’s too nice, Dan, Mere will trash it.”
“Not my granddaughter,” he protests, “Okay, look, Haley. I want to do this for you. You’re in town, you need a car, and you know me and status – it wouldn’t do for the mother of my granddaughter to be driving around town in some beater.”
I laugh, shrugging as I decide to go with the flow on this. “Okay, okay, I give up. I’ll take the car. But when I bring it back and there is an entire collection of animal cookies wedged in places that make no sense at all, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“Deal,” he grins, shaking my hand.
On the drive back to Deb’s place, I call Luke and leave a message on his cell phone that I am just going to meet them at the bar and that I promise I won’t back out tonight. And I do find that I’m suddenly looking forward to getting out and seeing my friends. I haven’t been out with friends – as friends and not at a function – in so long that I’m not sure I remember how to do it.
I drop off Mere’s things and cuddle with her for awhile trying to explain that she’s going to stay with her Grandma and Papa for the night. I’ve given them carte blanche to spoil her rotten for the night, so Deb has already made like eight kinds of cookies. Not bad for a woman who used to not know how to cook.
She doesn’t seem bothered when I leave; quite the opposite, in fact. Dan and Deb are both doling out so much attention on her, and she is lapping every second of it up. She really is Nathan’s child I can’t help but think. And love. I so love that about her.
“Okay, sweets, I’m going to go now,” I tell her, opening my arms and pulling her to me in a hug. “I love you, baby, and I’ll be back in the morning, okay? You be a good girl, Meredith Ryan Scott.”
She nods sweetly before climbing back on Dan’s lap, ‘The Poky Little Puppy’ in hand. “First night away, isn’t it?” Deb asks. I nod, trying not to cry. Why is this, of all things, so hard? “It gets easier with time.”
“I hope so,” I sniffle, “I’m not nervous about leaving her with you guys, just – I don’t know, she’s my baby, and we’ve never been apart more than a few hours. Never overnight. And look at her, she doesn’t even seem bothered!”
“The parents are always more bothered by the separation,” she smiles, “And everything will be fine. We have your cell number as well as Luke’s, and I believe I even have numbers for Brooke and Tim, too.”
I give her a spontaneous hug. “You must think I’m awful, going out with friends when Nathan is in Seattle, probably being hounded by reporters over allegations of drug abuse.”
“No, I think you need your friends as much as you need your family, and I also think that you are more tightly wound than I’ve ever seen you. And I remember how you got when you were studying for finals. A night out will do you good.”
“I hope so,” I smile, feeling a little brighter for the first time in awhile. “I’m really glad Mere gets to have this time with you both. She’s already loving it, I can tell.”
“Good, I’m glad. It is nice to have the opportunity to get to know her better. It isn’t easy to do that.”
“I know. I’d like to change that, Deb.”
“Well, then we will,” she assures me, “And tonight is a great start. Thank you, honey.”
“No, thank you. You’re the ones doing me a favor.”
She hugs me. “This is one favor we are thrilled to do,” she laughs as she watches Dan read to Mere, who chants the words along with him. “I don’t know if I ever thought I’d see that. Dan, getting along so well with a child, Nathan’s child.”
“It is a nice sight, isn’t it?”
“One of the nicest I’ve seen in a very long time,” she agrees, “Now you get out of here before you change your mind.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that, I have to rub this car in Luke’s face,” I grin, “Thanks for that, by the way, Dan!”
He shakes his head at me. “You’re going to get me in trouble with him. You know that, don’t you?”
I shrug. “He’ll be fine. If not, he’s a baby.”
We all laugh, and I leave, blowing Mere about a hundred kisses before I finally let Deb close the door behind me.
~*~
By the time I get to the bar, some of my earlier nerves have returned. It is going to be so weird, hopefully in a nice way, seeing Brooke and Tim again. With Luke it was easier – our friendship had already survived the time and distance, and he is basically my brother. His parents are basically my parents, and his brother is my brother. It is a little hazier with Brooke and Tim, because while they mean so much to me, more than they’ll ever know, there isn’t that lifelong connection. And so I’m a little nervous now.
I stopped back at Karen and Keith’s place, ate a quick dinner with them and fixed myself up a little, actually taking the time to dress in a pair of grossly expensive designer jeans and a cashmere tube top that I know Brooke will try and talk me out of. I top, or bottom as the case may be, it off with a pair of shoes that cost more than we pay our housekeeper in a month. I feel very greedy in this outfit, but I have to admit it gives me a weird sense of confidence.
I also call Nathan to let him know where he can reach Mere tonight – even though I know he won’t call her there – but he doesn’t answer his phone. I’m tempted to turn on ESPN and see if they’re carrying the story, but there is nothing I can do for him tonight, so I don’t.
Taking a deep breath, I climb out of the car. The best thing about this outfit is that it makes me look like I should be driving a luxury car like this. Cars like this are few and far between here, unlike in Seattle, where every soccer mom you see is driving a Lexus or Beamer.
Shrugging off thoughts of home, which would inevitably lead to thoughts of Nathan, I push my way into the bar, giving the bouncer there my cover fee. He smiles at me, glancing down and my exposed shoulders. I roll my eyes, looking around for my friends.
When I spot them, the nerves disappear and it is just full-on excitement. I practically shove people over in my excitement to get to them. Luke is the first to spot me, casually pointing me out to the other two.
“Augh!” Brooke screams, “Tutor Mommy!”
I laugh as she throws her arms around my neck, hugging me for dear life. “Tigger!” I laugh, “You’re strangling me! Oh, my God, it is so good to see you!”
When she pulls away, I see that there are tears in her eyes. I open my mouth to say something about them, but she just shakes her head, pointing behind me to Tim. I turn around, opening my arms for him. He scoops me up into a huge hug, kissing my cheek a couple of times.
“Good thing Mr. Possessive Pants wasn’t here to see that,” Brooke smirks, then claps her hand over her mouth, “Oh, my God, Hales, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t – I didn’t – I wouldn’t – “
“Relax, Tigger,” I smile, trying to set everyone at ease, “It’s okay to mention his name. How could we not, right?”
“Are you sure? I didn’t mean anything bad by it, just that he gets so jealous every time another guy even looks at you.”
“Brooke, I know,” I smile, my arms still around Tim, “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. It’s bound to come up, and I promise, especially for tonight, not to freak out about it.” They all look at me, unsure. “You guys! I mean it, come on, sit down, and let’s have a few drinks.”
“Is Meredith with Karen?” Brooke asks, clearly eager to see her.
I shake my head. “Deb and Dan. And if there was ever any doubt that Dan has changed, it is completely eradicated by the way he is with her. It is amazing,” I grin, “She adores him, and he clearly adores her.”
“She’s always liked him best,” Luke grumbles, “No matter what, he’s the first one she warms up to. And he doesn’t even have to bribe her.”
“Luke! What would you be bribing my daughter with?” I ask, looking at him suspiciously.
“Just – nothing? Maybe a cookie or two?”
“That’s awful, Luke,” Brooke shakes her head, “Seriously, she’s a little girl. Buy her some shoes or a sweater. That’s much better.”
I laugh, glancing to Tim. “And what about you? What sweet treat or extravagant gift would you bribe my daughter with?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t get her anything. Everyone with kids in the family knows that the quickest way to get into a kid’s heart is to act like a kid right along with them,” he announces proudly, and I think he speaks the truth on this one.
“So, Tim wins,” I grin.
“Asshole,” Brooke mutters, but ruins it by laughing, “Just because he has the benefit of having younger cousins and nieces and nephews.”
“Well, in a few years, I’m sure you’ll totally win,” I point out, grinning when she smiles at the appeasing.
“So what am I then?” Luke whines.
”Chopped liver, ex-husband,” Brooke teases, “But you know we love you anyway.”
“You’re too kind,” he quips, “To find it in your heart to still be my friend, Brooke. What would the world do without souls like you?”
“You guys, tell me everything that’s been going on with you all,” I interrupt, eager for the gossip. And so we sit around for several hours just talking and laughing, and honestly, I feel like I never left. It feels like the early days of Luke and Brooke’s marriage when we were all happy and completely comfortable around each other. It is amazing to feel like this again.
Brooke drags me off to the bathroom and to stop and get drinks shortly after that, claiming she missed going in pairs. Luke and Tim both roll their eyes at us.
“Okay, there are a couple of things I have to tell you. Things you should know, and things I just want to talk to you about. Get your opinion on.”
“Of course, go ahead,” I motion, washing my hands.
“Well, I’ll ease you in with the less shocking ones,” she sighs, “Lola is living in Tree Hill.”
“Lola?” I question briefly, drawing a blank, before realizing who she meant. “Jason’s sister?”
She nods. “Okay, and don’t freak, but she and I hang out quite a bit. She is Tim’s cousin after all. Goes with the territory.”
I shrug. “Why would I freak out? I mean, she’s not one of my favorite people because of how nasty she was for so long, but before everything happened, she was nice and she’s fun, I can see why you’d like her.”
“Right, well, you never know,” she shrugs. “She’s only been here for a month or so, so I still don’t really know her.”
“Brooke, its fine. Why would you think I’d get mad that you have other friends? I didn’t expect you to remain faithful to me forever,” I tease her, “And you know I have friends in a few of the women I know through Nathan and a few from work.”
“Yeah, but it is weird. I mean, you’re my first loyalty, Tutor Mommy, of course. But it is nice to have a friend that is here fulltime, too.”
“I can imagine,” I agree, drying off my hands. “It isn’t a big deal. I’m glad that you have someone to get away from the boys with sometimes. I have to admit I don’t really have any desire to hang out with her, but I’d never begrudge you for doing it.”
“Well, see, that’s the other thing,” she says nervously, “The shocking thing.”
”Okay,” I say slowly, before understanding dawns. “Brooke Davis, tell me you learned your lesson the first time and are not sleeping with Luke!”
She stares at me in horror for a minute before busting out laughing. “Oh, my God, no, ew!” She laughs even harder. “Not Luke again, no way!”
“Not Luke?” I stare at her a minute, comprehending her words. “Oh, my God. Get the hell out of town. You and Tim?”
“Is that so bad?” she asks nervously, “I mean, it’s kind of weird, I know that, but it just happened and it keeps happening, and I don’t know, I like it, and if I like, and he likes it, then maybe it doesn’t have to stop?”
“Brooke, you’re babbling. That’s my schtick,” I tease, laughing when she smacks me on the arm, “And I’m just surprised. Not horrified. Surprised.”
“It was so out of the blue, but – God, Haley, I don’t know, I’m so glad you’re here. There is no one else I could or would talk about this with. You’re the only one who would understand.”
I don’t protest when she throws herself at me for a hug. “Brooke, it’s okay. It’ll be okay, Tigger,” I promise her, “What’s going on? Why are you so upset? Tim not as well-endowed as you thought?”
She pulls back, and I’m pleased to see she’s smiling again. “How’d I get here again?”
“Where’s here?” I ask, needing definition on this before I say anything.
“Here where I know I could fall in love. Where I already love, but know it could be so much more than that. I – I don’t want it to be like last time.”
“That wasn’t the same, Tigger,” I protest, “You and Luke were never friends. Not like you and Tim are. You never knew each other as well when you hooked up – and honestly, I think that each of you saw the other as a challenge. It was different.”
“What if it isn’t? What if I’m just some temporary bed warmer who is there for him until he finds a girl he actually likes?”
I shake my head. “No. No way. Tim loves you, and I know he wouldn’t do that to you. He would never treat you like that.”
She nods, and my heart breaks seeing the tears and the fears in her eyes. “I know. So, what if it is more then? And what if I mess it up?”
“Do you want this?” I ask gently, “Do you want something more than sex from Tim?”
She shrugs helplessly. “I don’t know. I might, but I’m so scared of losing him that every time I think I’m ready for more, I think of all the things that could go wrong and chicken out. I hate being such a coward.”
“Believe me, you aren’t a coward, and I’d know from coward.” I smile at her. “Talk to him, tell him what’s going on. Tim can be a bonehead, but he’s never insensitive.”
She nods. “Maybe I’ll have to give that talking thing a try. How about you? Are you doing okay? Lucas said it’s been rough.”
I nod. “Rough is an understatement. A big one. I feel like my whole world has fallen apart, and it really sucks because I like my world.”
“How’s Nathan doing?” she asks, and I can see the sympathy in her eyes.
“Probably not very good,” I admit, “He had a meeting with his coach and the GM today. And reporters have been camping out at our place since yesterday. I hate that he has to deal with this alone, but…”
“But you couldn’t stay there with Mere.”
“Exactly,” I sigh. “I hate myself for it, though. Leaving him, I mean. He’s so wrecked right now, Brooke, and I feel like leaving contributed to that.”
“I know you love him, Hales, but you shouldn’t beat yourself up about this. Nathan Scott has always known his own mind. Let him take some responsibility.”
“I am. I mean, isn’t that what leaving does? Make him make the change?”
“It’s a good start, but you could also stop feeling bad for something that you shouldn’t feel bad over.”
“Leaving? Of course I should feel bad about that. I haven’t known many addicts in my day, but I’m pretty sure one of the things they tell you addicts need is support. And it is hard for him to get that when I’m clear over here and he’s clear over there.”
“He has to help himself,” she shrugs, although I know she’s sympathetic to me and even to Nathan. She gives me another hug. “And you need the support you get when you’re here. It’s okay, Tutor Mommy, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You could say the same to yourself.” She looks at me blankly. “You know, the whole Tim thing.” She nods in understanding. “By the way, would you kill me if I threatened him with emasculation if he hurts you?”
She laughs, shaking her head no. “Hell, no! Threaten away, best friend.”
“Good. Same goes for you, though. If you hurt him, I will hunt down and kill your nicest pair of shoes,” I inform her.
“I’ll just take the ones you have on. Those are gorgeous, Hales. That whole outfit must’ve cost a fortune,” she marvels.
I shrug. “A fortune and then some. Every once in awhile I’ll let Nathan talk me into getting something like this. Not a lot, but sometimes it is fun,” I concede, “Although he could routinely spend money like this and not have a problem with it. Maybe once he goes through rehab, that problem will alleviate some, too.”
“Spend-a-holic?” I nod. “Good thing it’s you he’s with and not me. Because I wouldn’t be so la di da, no I don’t need shoes that cost a grand about spending. I’d be like, AmEx black card, please! Throw in that platinum Visa while you’re at it. We’ll make a day of this.”
I roll my eyes at her. “Yeah, you would. But it is also a good thing you were never with him because I’d have to scratch your eyes out.”
“Do you worry about that?” she asks quietly, “Him cheating, I mean.”
I shake my head. “That’s the one thing that I don’t think I have to worry about. I know that no matter what, he loves me. He’s mad, and he’ll lash out, but I know he wouldn’t do that. Words are his chosen weapon.”
“That’s good,” she says, “That you can trust him so thoroughly. Must be nice to be able to have that faith.”
“It took me a long time to get here, Brooke. And Nathan and I, we had to go through so much crap to get to this point. It isn’t perfect, obviously. We’ve got our problems, but like he told me on the phone this morning, love was never one of the aforementioned problems.”
“Wow, that’s a sweet thing to say,” she acknowledges, “Impressive from Nathan.”
I shake my head, disagreeing. “He’s always been sweet like that with me. Probably not a single other person in his life, well, besides Mere, but always with me.”
“You have selective memory,” she laughs, “I remember a lot of times he made you cry.”
I shrug. “Okay, fine, not always sweet, but he loves me. Loves us. I don’t know, maybe he won’t love me much longer when he realizes I’m serious about not coming back without him getting help, though.”
She shakes her head. “I seriously doubt that, Tutor Mommy. He’ll give you hell about it now, but Nathan could never hate you.”
By mutual agreement, we exit the bathroom, stopping by the bar to pick up fresh drinks. Brooke orders both of us mojitos, and we take them back to the table with us.
“Did one of you fall in?” Luke asks, mildly irritated, “Because if not, and you were gossiping, I’d like to remind you this isn’t Haley/Brooke bondfest 2013, this is all of us hanging out bonding.”
“Did you miss me?” I coo at him, pinching his cheek.
“Yeah, like the plague,” he grins, throwing a peanut at me. I’m not so wrapped up in teasing him that I don’t notice the questioning look Tim gives Brooke and the reassuring, but shy smile she flashes back at him. They’re so freaking cute that it makes me want to drag Brooke out of here and start looking at wedding dresses. I feel absolutely none of the consternation and worry that I had when Brooke and Luke started seeing each other. I can just tell that this is very, very different. For both of them. No wonder Tim has been tanking his relationships. I can’t wait to get him alone for questioning.
By the time last call rolls around, I’m feeling almost a hundred percent relaxed and am completely sober, not having had a drink in the last three hours we were here. So I’m elected DD, which is fine with me, and escort them out to the car.
“Either I’ve had more to drink than I thought, or that’s not my mom’s car,” Luke comments, “In fact, that looks like the – oh, my God, he did it again!”
“Who?” Brooke asks, confused.
“Did what?” Tim asks.
“Dan gave her another deal on a car!” he exclaims, “You – you must be such a kissass to him! He never gives me completely awesome cars! What’s the deal?”
I laugh at his pouty expression. “He didn’t give it to me, and I didn’t buy it. He’s just letting me use it while I’m in town, that’s all.”
“That’s still not fair! That’s even worse!” he mutters, “It must really pay to be a cute chick.”
Tim nods his agreement. “You have to admit, you girls do get a lot more stuff handed to you than we do.”
Brooke scrunches up her nose, and when you add up Tim’s comment just now with Brooke’s insecurities about them being together, it looks like Tim just shot himself in the foot and won’t be getting any tonight.
“Tim, that is so blatantly false,” she argues, “Just last week, we were hanging out at that club in Durham with your cousins, and that slutty waitress brought you guys about eight free drinks. Did the girls get that special treatment? No, we didn’t.”
I watch, amused, as Tim looks flustered by her glare. He really likes her. I don’t know why I’m surprised – neither would sleep with the other if it didn’t mean anything, but to see it so crystal clear in front of me, I have to wonder how they haven’t just officially started dating. I glance away from them as they begin to argue, surprised to find Luke’s gaze on my face. He inclines his head towards them with a small smile, and I guess that means he knows and he’s okay with it.
I drop Brooke and Tim off at their place, amused that they are still snipping at each other. They both lean into the front seat and give me huge hugs before jumping out, making me promise that I’ll hang out with both of them in the next few days, and to be sure to bring Meredith next time. Not a hard promise to make, believe me.
“You going back to Mom and Keith’s tonight?” Luke asks, glancing over at me, “Or are you going to be all panic mom and go over to Deb’s to check on Meredith.”
I roll my eyes at him. “Actually, I was thinking that you could let me stay with you tonight. I don’t want to wake everyone up at Karen and Keith’s tonight, and I’d like to hang out with you some more.”
He grins. “Yeah, I’d like that, too.”
We’re quiet the rest of the drive, each lost in our own thoughts. I’m tempted to ask Luke his opinion on Brooke and Tim, but I guess this is something I should let him bring up, especially since he doesn’t officially know, as far as I’m aware.
“How’d it feel to be back out in Tree Hill again?” he asks after we’re settled in at his house. He actually has a spare bedroom, and he’s giving me sweats and a t-shirt to wear.
“Feels like old times,” I grin, “And it’s been really great. And then I feel bad for that, because why should I feel good about something when things are so wrong for Nathan? I hate this, Luke, I really do.”
He nods. “I know you do, Hales.”
“It’s just – I’m scared to check the papers or turn the TV on. What if he’s plastered all over it? What if they’re making up bullshit accusations or something? What if I find out how his meeting with his coach and the GM went over the TV, instead of from him?”
“Not to be insensitive, but if that happens, well, it happened. Not too big of a deal, right? Haley, you can’t baby him through this. You might want to, but it won’t work. He won’t get better that way.”
“I just feel like I should be there, but then I know I can’t. And if I can’t be with him, then right now, I need you guys. And you guys are here. I still feel like I’m being a traitor to Nathan, though. I hate seeing and hearing what this is doing to him.”
“Nathan is – okay, I won’t expound on what Nathan is because you know it better than anyone. So I’ll just remind you that Nathan knows who you are, and probably knows how guilty you feel now, and is definitely not about playing that up.” He squeezes my shoulder. “But he’ll – he’s not going to do this forever. I really believe that.”
“What if he doesn’t come?” I whisper, “What if he can’t do what I asked and get treatment, and he just never comes for me?”
“Haley, that isn’t going to happen!” he exclaims, “Not for a single second do I believe that Nathan would choose drugs over you and Meredith. Not a second.”
I nod, trying to make myself believe it. “What if he’s so far gone that he doesn’t have a choice?” I ask, my voice pitiful sounding.
“Do you believe that?”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t. I’m just scared, so scared about all of this. I can’t imagine my life without Nathan, Luke. I really can’t. I would do anything for him, anything to get him better so that we can be okay again.”
He puts his arm around my shoulder, pulling him to me. “You guys are going to work it out. Look at everything you’ve been through. You survived over four years apart!” he exclaims, “And you’re together again. You have the most beautiful little girl I’ve ever seen in my life, and you guys both have great careers.”
I don’t bother to correct him that Nathan’s ‘career’ might not be so great anymore because I don’t want to talk about that until I know more. So instead I nod like I agree with him, which I do in some ways, and change the subject.
“Tim and Brooke, huh?”
He laughs. “Yeah, Tim and Brooke. About a year ago, neither of them could get more than one date. It took me the longest time to figure out why. But then, we had this Fourth of July thing, and she just sat there all afternoon, with him, and they both looked comfortable and happy. If they’ve finally acted on it, which I obviously don’t know for sure, then all I have to say is that it took them long enough.”
I nod. “Brooke is pretty nervous about it. Afraid of messing it up and losing her best friend, I think.”
“I figured that’s what you guys were talking about in there. Tim got really nervous, tearing up napkins and peeling the labels off my beer bottles.”
I laugh. “If they let themselves, I think they could be happy.” He nods. “Are you okay with that? I mean, I know it was a long time ago, and I know you’re the one who called it off, but sometimes…”
“It’s fine, Hales. It’s good, actually. I’ve really come to love both of them, and I would be really happy for them if they make this work.”
“You’re a good guy, Lucas Scott.”
He laughs. “Yeah, I am, aren’t I?”
I smack him on the chest. “One of a kind. We’re lucky to have you.” I look up at him with puppy dog eyes. “Speaking of which, is that offer still good? That Mere and I stay here?”
“Hales, of course, I’d love to have you guys here. Are you sure, though? My house is probably the least toddler proof around.”
“Of course I’m sure. I think this is where Nathan would be happiest with us staying, and I think this is where I’d be happiest, too.”
“Yeah?” he smiles.
“Well, yeah, you’re my best friend, Luke. I’ve known you forever, and you always tell me the complete truth. And I’m thinking if I keep Mere at Karen’s, then Deb is going to be all sorts of jealous. Especially since I asked Karen if Mere could call her grandma.”
“Wow, Mom must’ve been over the moon,” he smiles, “That was really sweet of you, Haley. She really does love you like you’re her daughter. Same with Keith.”
“I know. They have always made me feel like I am, too. And I want Mere to have that feeling, that sense of protection.”
“She will,” he promises, “We’re all going to make sure of it.”
“Thanks, Luke. I appreciate this so much. Maybe tomorrow you can help me toddler-proof the house?”
“Yeah, I can probably do that,” he agrees. “You going to call Nathan? I know it’s late, but I also know you haven’t talked to him tonight.”
“How’d you know that?” I ask, confused. I know I didn’t say anything about that – I don’t think.
“You don’t know how his meetings went,” he points out, “And you don’t know if the story has broke past the local news yet.”
“Oh. Yeah. Well, it’s midnight there, and with a little luck, he’s sleeping. I don’t want to wake him up if he is.” I don’t add that I left messages that he never returned, and that he might not want to talk to me.
“Okay. Go to bed, Hales. I’ll see you in the morning.”
I nod, and wander to the guest room, flopping down on the bed. For most of the night, I was able to force myself to forget my problems, but here, alone, without even Mere to hold, there is nothing to stop them from flooding back to me. And so again, I cry.
