Getting It All Back

By Brynne

Chapter Two – Like A Rolling Stone

‘Go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse,

When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose,

You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.

How does it feel,

How does it feel,

To be on your own,

With no direction home,

Like a complete unknown,

Like a rolling stone…’ – B. Dylan

~*~Early June, 2013~*~

I don’t leave right away. I couldn’t possibly do that to him, to me. If I left before he was discharged from the hospital, I’d go crazy wondering whether he was okay or not. Hell, even when he’s discharged, I’m sure I’ll still drive myself and everyone else insane with what ifs.

I haven’t even told him yet that I’m taking Mere to Tree Hill. Once I do that, I feel like our already fractured lives will just completely shatter. But if I wait to tell him, even if it is just until after his release, then I can hold things – us – together for a little longer. Plus, he doesn’t need that stress right now.

He’s going to see this as a betrayal, and a part of me doesn’t blame him. Not really. This is his time of need, and I’m leaving, whisking our daughter clear across the country. Of course he’s going to react to that poorly. God knows I would. But at the same time, I see no other way. This decision was something I made immediately, but not lightly.

Since he was admitted to the hospital four days ago, I’ve barely had a chance to even speak with him. When I visit him each day, Mere is with me, and it is so much easier for both of us to focus our attention on her. I asked him the second day he was in there what his plans were, and all he’d say was that he wanted to get back to the gym and do things the ‘healthy way’.

I know that the hospital has sent addiction counselors to see him, but he denies an addiction. And for all I know, he isn’t an addict, but at the same time, if it is so easy for him to justify taking steroids and speed to enhance his job performance, then what does that mean? I just cannot enable him or send him the message that this is okay in any way, and I think that if I stay, that is exactly the message that it sends.

But I am so damn afraid of leaving him. What if it makes it worse? What if it sends him into a tailspin? I’ve pictured every possible scenario in my mind, and in the end, it is still true that the only smart move I can see making is taking Meredith home to Tree Hill with me, at least for awhile. Nathan has to try and get himself together, and all I can hope now is that with us leaving, that will spur him to do just that.

He’s finally getting discharged today, which is both relieving and frightening. Relieving in a couple ways, but mainly that he’s well enough to get out of the hospital. Seeing him there, that first day in particular, was so awful, so devastating that I still shudder when I think of it. It’s also relieving that I can finally tell him what I’m doing.

Maybe the fear is worse. Fear of how he’s going to react, fear of what he’ll do once I’m gone, and fear of what this means for the two of us. I’m so afraid that, even if he does get his life back together as a result of this that he will never forgive me for leaving and taking Meredith to Tree Hill.

And I guess that is a chance I’m willing to take. I would rather that he be healthy and happy and, for God’s sake, alive than anything else. Even if that means he cuts me out of his life forever. Because while I can only imagine a few things that would be worse than that for me, at least I’d know that he was okay and that Mere has a father who can truly be there for her. Because those two are my life, and their happiness means more to me than my own ever could.

And that’s the sacrifice in all this is, for me at least. My happiness. The second I step on that plane, I’m pretty much guaranteeing it will be obliterated. Even if, by some miracle, Nathan doesn’t hate me, I’ll still be away from him, and that’s going to be damn near impossible for me.

Every time I think of how he’s going to look at me, I want to change my mind. Oh, God, how I want to change my mind. And if it was just me, maybe I would stay and help Nathan, fight him until he gets the help he needs, or just give him the help myself. But I can’t trust him around Mere right now, no matter how much that hurts all of us. But he’s collapsed twice in his life now from being on speed, and I don’t want to fear that he’d collapse sometime when he was alone with her.

I go to the hospital alone today, having called and asked Mere’s sitter to come over and stay with her. I want to tell Nathan that we’re leaving on the ride home so that we don’t have another blow-up in front of our daughter, which I know he would hate to do, too. It isn’t going to be easy, and I already feel like I’m making the biggest mistake of my life.

By the time I get to his room, he’s already dressed and clearly ready to go. He’s been calm from what I’ve seen, although the nurses tell me he’s continually been pressing to be released early. He smiles at me, looking surprised to see me alone.

“No munchkin?”

I shake my head no. “I called Mrs. Berg over. She’s had all week off, I think she was actually happy to come in.”

“Ah,” he says, understanding in his voice, “So you can yell at me on the way home.”

“I don’t plan on yelling, but there are some things I have to say, yeah,” I agree, choosing my words carefully.

He nods. “I know. And I’m ready to hear it all. I know I have to, I know I deserve it.”

“I’m not going to condemn you, but there are some things I need to say and some things I have to tell you.”

He looks nervous, and I can’t decide if he thinks I’m really going to ream him or if he knows I’m going to tell him something he won’t want to hear. Probably the latter, since he knows me so well. Maybe he has an inkling of what I have to say already. I’m not sure if that would be a good thing or not.

“You’re still pale,” I murmur, reaching a hand out to brush across his cheek. I pull back almost immediately, feeling guilty for touching him when I know I’m going to hurt him so bad so soon.

He reaches out, though, and grabs my hand, pulling me to him. “Please, don’t stop touching me,” he pleads softly, and I don’t protest when he takes me in his arms. “I’ve missed you. You’ve been so quiet when you visit.”

“It’s really hard to see you here,” I admit, tears filling my eyes. In response, he pulls me closer. “That first day, you looked so sick.”

He leans back, looking down at me. “Hey, hey, hey, I’m not sick, though, right? Everything is just fine, Haley J. It’s all okay now.”

It was fine being in his arms until he says that. Things are so far from okay that it is almost like he and I aren’t living on the same planet right now. I pull back out of his grasp, moving to put distance between us. “Do you have your discharge completed yet?”

He nods, confused. “Yeah, I do. We can leave now, if you’re ready.”

“I bet you are. The last few days have seemed like an eternity to me, so I can imagine how you feel, being here,” I comment, keeping the conversation away from anything emotional. We’ll have our fight, but we aren’t going to do it here.

“Yeah, I can’t wait to be at home with you and Meredith. God, you have no idea how much I’ve missed you both. Even though I’ll have to be resting for awhile, at least you guys will be around. That makes all the difference in the world.”

Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly feel any guiltier, I do. “We’ve missed you, too. I think that Mere half thinks you’re just playing hide and seek with her sometimes,” I sigh, bittersweet.

“I miss her. More in these last few days than when I’ve been gone in the past. And waking up here, in this stupid uncomfortable bed without you is torture. Do you have any idea how much I need and love you both?”

“And we love and need you, Nathan. That’s why – well, there’s a lot to work out now.”

“We will, right?” he asks quietly.

“There’s nothing I want more than that, Nathan,” I tell him, trying to convey how much I mean that to him, “It’s the most important thing to me.”

“Me, too,” he says, still quiet, pensive. He clearly knows something is going on, probably just from my nerves. “Uh, well, would you mind getting a nurse so we can get out of here? They told me I have to take a wheelchair down to the car,” he sighs, frowning distastefully.

“Yeah, I’ll get someone,” I tell him, offering a small smile. He manages to smile back even though he looks distracted.

Ten minutes later, we’re in my car on the way home. I haven’t found a way to tell him yet, and he looks so much damn happier now that he’s out of the hospital that it is making it even harder.

He’s the one who finally breaks the silence. “We’re going to be home in ten minutes,” he points out, “Maybe you should start yelling.”

“I already told you I wasn’t going to yell at you, Nathan. But there is something that you should know.”

“Should, or will want to?”

“Honestly? Should. You aren’t going to like it,” I state matter-of-factly, “And I don’t like having to say it.”

He nods slowly. “Then you should just say it, and get it over with. Make it easier on both of us that way.”

I glance over at him, cursing myself inwardly when I feel myself tearing up already. “I’m going to take Mere to Tree Hill.”

There, I said it. It’s out there, and now he can scream, call me names, plead, bargain, rationalize, whatever it is he needs to do.

“For how long?” he asks, his voice quiet but knowing.

“Indefinitely, Nathan. I just – God, I don’t want to do this, but I can’t expose her to drugs of any kind. I won’t do it.”

“Okay,” he says slowly, “So, you’re going to take her clear across the country? Isn’t that a little extreme?”

“If I can’t be with you, and right now, I can’t, then I need to be with our family. And unfortunately, that’s how far I have to go to get to them.”

“Wow, I can’t believe you’d leave now,” he mutters, running a frustrated hand through his hair, “I could really use your support right now, Haley!”

“This is me, Nathan, this is me giving you my support. Because if I stay here, if I let Mere stay here and be exposed to that shit, then I’m telling you what you did was okay. And I’m sorry, but it wasn’t okay. It just wasn’t.” I glance over at him, taking in his stunned expression. “You can hate me for it, I – I think I can handle that, I’ll have to, but this is something that has to be done. For all of us.”

“Why would you think that this would do any of us any good?” he asks, and though he sounds puzzled, I can also hear the underlying anger, “What on earth would tell you that you and Mere being 3000 miles away from me would do me any good?”

Tears fall unchecked down my face now, but I couldn’t care less. “Because I can’t worry about whether or not Meredith is safe around you. And right now, I can’t trust that she is. And God, I know you don’t want to hear that, and I suppose you don’t even believe it. It’s true, though. You brought – you brought drugs into our house. Our house that a two year old – our two year old! – has free reign over! Nathan, she could’ve got into them, found them in your gym bag. My God, you know how she likes to go through our stuff! What would’ve happened then? What would we have done?”

“Haley,” he says in a superior voice, “It didn’t happen. I was careful. Why worry now about something that didn’t happen?”

“Because I can’t trust that it won’t happen again!” I exclaim, “And I’d be stupid and crazy if I did. This is our daughter, Nathan. The two of you are my world. You’re a grown man, and yeah, you get to make your own choices, and if you want to risk your life, then ultimately, I can’t stop you. I can beg and plead and try, but it probably wouldn’t matter. But I will not, will never, let you put my daughter’s life in danger, no matter how insubstantial you think said danger is.”

“She never would’ve found them, Haley! She couldn’t have!”

“Think about it, Nathan!” I yell at him, “You leave your gym bag lying on the floor in the entryway or in our room all the time! And she’s constantly running in and out of our room. She loves to play in your closet and drawers. Do you think she knows the difference between drawers and bags? Do you think she’d care?”

“Haley, she didn’t! And I’ll never bring that stuff into our house again! Come on, you can’t just leave. You can’t take Mere. I can’t – I need you, I need you here with me.”

“I can’t,” I cry, blinking tears out of my eyes, trying to focus on the road, “I can’t be with you now. Not when it might hurt Mere.”

“If you loved me, you’d stay.”

I gasp at his words, which feel so much like an ultimatum. “That’s bullshit, and you know it. If the situation was reversed, and I was screwing around with drugs, what would you do? Would you let me be around Meredith whenever I wanted? Would you just shrug and brush it off if I brought those drugs into this house? Somehow, I doubt it.”

“I’d stay,” he swears with all the conviction of the person who does not have to make the hard choices. And that makes me mad. He’s put me in this position, he’s made me make this choice, and now he wants to pretend like he just knows what he’d do? Because he wouldn’t. I know he wouldn’t let me or anyone else be around Mere if they were doing drugs.

“You’re lying, to both of us. Because I know you, Nathan, and one of the things I love about you is how much you love Mere. And you don’t want her to be hurt. And if you were in my position, you would do the same thing. I know you would.”

“You don’t know anything,” he spits. We’re getting alarmingly close to home now, and while I knew this argument wouldn’t be done by the time we got home, I’d hoped we’d get the worst of it over. But I don’t think we’re near the worst yet.

“Oh, Nathan, I’m not doing this to hurt you, and I’m not doing it to punish you. I’m doing it for you. Yeah, it might not seem like it, and maybe I’m wrong, but it is what is best for now.” I wipe the free-falling tears off of my cheeks, trying to get a hold on myself. “If you hate me, I – I guess I’ll learn to deal with it, but if something ever happened to you or Mere, I wouldn’t be okay. And I won’t be the one who lets something happen.”

Neither of us says anything until I pull the car into the driveway, parking next to his Escalade that Melissa and Damien brought back for me. As he gets out slowly, I can see he’s still a little shaky. It breaks my heart to see him like this and know that at least a part of his shakiness is due to the bomb I just dropped on him.

“Shouldn’t you go in and hide my daughter away from me before I can get my evil, horrible hands on her?”

I stop short from my task of taking his bag out of the backseat, drawing in a wounded breath. “Don’t make this out to be my fault, Nathan. I didn’t want this for us. I didn’t want you collapsing and ending up in a hospital for over half a week because you were abusing illegal steroids and speed. That wasn’t part of my dream scenario for us.”

He stares hard at me before nodding curtly. “So you aren’t going to freak out if I go inside and spend some time with the daughter you’re taking across the country for an indefinite period of time?”

“No, go,” I tell him, knowing that this discussion will continue at least once more before Mere and I get on that plane tomorrow, if not more than that.

I watch him walk into the house slowly fighting not to give into the urge to sink down to the concrete of the driveway and bawl my eyes out. When I see Mrs. Berg coming out, I paste a smile on my face and make a show over taking Nathan’s bag out of the back seat. She calls out her goodbye, and I wave to her as she gets in her car.

Once she’s out of the driveway, I gulp in a deep, shuddering breath, just now realizing how much it is going to cost to do this. The personal toll it is already taking is enormous, immeasurable perhaps, and it will get worse as it goes on. I know that. I’d be fooling myself if I tried to pretend I didn’t know it will.

Dropping the bag I was still loosely holding onto, I grab onto the car for the support to stay standing. How can I do this? How can I break apart the last tenuous threads holding us together? If I went in there now and told him I had changed my mind, things would probably be okay with us still. He’d forgive me. But God, I’d never forgive myself. And this is what it all comes down to – what I want to do versus what I have to do.

What I have to do is protect my daughter and Nathan at all costs. Even if that costs me Nathan. What I want to do is whatever it takes to hold onto Nathan for myself. He’s my world, and he’s been my world for so long that the mere prospect of losing him paralyzes me with fear. Before I even realize it, I’m on the ground, my back against one of the tires and my head in my hands, down on my knees.

When I pull myself together enough to stand up, I pick up his bag and make my way into the house. He’s standing in the living room with Mere in his arms, and I know he saw my mini-breakdown out there, but he doesn’t comment on it. When Meredith calls out for me and holds her arms out to me, he turns her away from me and whispers something in her ear, effectively distracting her. I don’t say anything about that, just take his bag into our room and put his things away.

I close the door once I’m done, letting him spend this time with Mere, which is what I know he really wants and probably really needs. I can hear him talking to her, loud enough that it is probably to make a point to me. If I thought he’d be okay with it, I’d go out there in a heartbeat and just be with them, but I doubt he’d appreciate that right now.

On second thought, maybe I should go out there. Not let him shut me out further, since this might be the last opportunity I get to show him I love him for awhile. I change into a pair of shorts that show off my legs that he loves to see me in and pull one of his t-shirts on, which is a comfort to me. Once I step into a pair of flip flops, I open the door and walk out to find them.

They’re in the kitchen getting a loaf of bread out of the cupboard. When Mere sees me, she grins widely. “Mama, duckies!”

“Is daddy taking you to feed the ducks, sweets?” I ask her softly, unable to keep myself from smiling back at her sweet face.

“Yeah, I am,” he says tersely, “Do you have a problem with that?”

“Of course not,” I respond, “I was just hoping I could come with you guys.”

“Oh, I get it,” he sneers, causing Meredith to look at him in confusion, “You want to follow me out there, make sure I don’t drop her in, right? Because I’m such a bad parent, and all.”

“That’s not it, Nathan. Stop twisting my words and thought processes around. That’s crap and you know it,” I sigh, “And don’t pull this in front of her.”

“Yeah, do whatever you want, you will anyway.”

I follow behind them as he walks hand in hand with her through the perfectly manicured back yard to the short flight of stairs down to the boat dock. He’s still awfully pale, but he has an easy smile on his face as she babbles to him with half real words and half that only exist in her little two year old world.

I sit down on the steps, waving occasionally when Mere turns to look at me. Nathan avoids any form of eye contact with me, although my gaze stays on him most of the time as I desperately run through possible ways to help him in my head. Nothing I come up with is even worth trying out, really.

“Mama, feed ducky!” Mere demands, holding a piece of bread towards me. I glance at Nathan, figuring if he deigns to glare at me I’ll decline, but he still won’t look at me, so I stand up, brushing my butt off.

“Thanks, sweets,” I smile at her, crouching down so I’m at her level, “Look at all the duckies that wanted to visit you today.”

She giggles at me, patting me on the knee. I tear off a piece of bread and toss in the lake, watching Mere as she giggles at the ducks that swarm towards it. I tear off another, and hold it out on my hand, knowing she loves it even more when they get close enough to take a piece directly from me. I glance up at Nathan and catch that his face has softened before he puts on another mask of anger.

When the bread is gone, Nathan takes her hand. “Okay, Merry, the breads all gone. Let’s go back in the house, okay?”

She nods, and takes off running up the stairs. I stand in place knowing that Nathan will have to walk past me to get back to the house, and when he gets to me, I lay a hand on his arm. “Don’t do this, Nathan. Don’t just decide you hate me and refuse to talk to me.”

“Why not, Haley? You’re leaving when the shit of my life is about to hit the fan, and you’re afraid I’m going to place our daughter in harm’s way. What in that scenario should make me want to stand around and chit chat with you?” he asks snidely, his eyes on Mere, not me.

“Because I love you, Nathan. That’s all. I love you, and I want you to be better, and God, I want us to be better. And yeah, I get that I’ve hurt you with this, but it is for Mere’s good.” I let go of his arm, glancing back out at the water. “I won’t rationalize it to you anymore. You don’t understand why I’m doing this, and maybe more to the point, you don’t seem to understand how messed up what you’ve done is.”

“Why are you doing this?” he asks again, his voice breaking, “Haley, I know I fucked up, I know it. God, you think I don’t get that? I’m not stupid.”

“I know you aren’t, Nathan! That’s why this doesn’t make sense to me! I knew you were feeling the pressure about your reduced playing time, but my God, what possessed you?”

I notice that he keeps an eye on Mere at all times, and that seems so small but so huge at the same time, and I again almost change my mind. But then he speaks again. “I just wanted to be better. I just wanted to take advantage of all basketball had to offer. I’m twenty-five, Haley, not fifty. I’m supposed to play basketball!”

“At what cost? Your family? Your life?” I ask, my voice quiet and low, but the desperation behind it scares me.

“Why does it have to cost anything? God, Haley!” he exclaims in exasperation, “Why are you making this into something it isn’t? Just because I tried to gain a little bulk with steroids doesn’t mean I should quit playing basketball!”

“You really don’t get it,” I say softly, perhaps just now getting it myself, “Get some help, Nathan. Professional help. Before you don’t have a choice in whether or not you ‘quit’ basketball. You’re practically to the point where it will ‘quit’ you.”

“And you’d know from quitting, wouldn’t you, Haley? Running the first second the going got tough? Why am I not really surprised?” he asks, trying to sound ironic, but mostly ending up sounding petty and obviously just lashing out.

I shake my head at him. “You can ignore what I’m saying until I’m blue in the face, but it won’t make it any less true. Listen to yourself! You really don’t see very much wrong in what you did, do you? You don’t see what taking that shit has done to you, and you either don’t care or don’t see the toll that it has taken on me!”

“So, it is just about you. Why? Didn’t I make you feel special enough? Is that what this is about? I didn’t give you a big enough bouquet of flowers on your last birthday?”

“This! This is what I’m talking about! Why are you talking to me like this? Like I’m your worst enemy out to get you? I just want you to get help! If you can’t do it for me, and you can’t do it for Mere, do it for yourself! Do it for your precious game, Nathan! Because believe me, I’m not stupid, I know that your ass is toast if you get caught with drugs again. Hell, you’re looking at suspension now!”

“Where’d you hear that?” he growls, stepping closer to me.

“Like I said, I’m not stupid. And I pay attention to basketball because it matters to you. That guy last year, he played for Cleveland, he got caught with something, and he’s gone. I don’t – I don’t want that to be you, Nathan! Don’t do this to yourself!”

“Then don’t leave,” he says pointedly, “Stay here and help me.”

I glance behind him to make sure Mere is okay, and when I verify she’s just playing in the dirt, I refocus on him. “If it were that simple, I would. But we both know it isn’t. You’re not even inclined in the slightest to get help, even knowing that we’re leaving tomorrow! If I stayed, absolutely nothing would change, right?”

“Why does it have to change, Haley? I’ll stop with the uppers, I don’t really need them anyway. And the steroids are gone, no more, I promise. Just don’t go!”

“You can’t just stop,” I tell him, “Eight months! That’s a long time, a really long time. And I – damn, I should’ve known. Well, I knew something was wrong, but I thought maybe it was me. Maybe you were tired of me, or you were sorry we got back together.”

“Haley,” he sighs, but I won’t let him interrupt me.

“No way, Nathan! We were supposed to get married last winter! Remember that?” He looks away. “Yeah, but then when we tried to start planning, you kept saying the timing wasn’t right!”

“That had nothing to do with the drugs. I just thought we should wait and do it in Tree Hill this summer!” he explains, “Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“No, it isn’t what I wanted. I just wanted to be married to you,” I tell him, tears that I would’ve thought were all dried up springing to my eyes, “But that’s not the point. I only brought it up as an example of how you changed after you started up with that shit. How I should’ve seen what was happening.”

“Maybe you changed, too,” he mutters.

I shake my head, turning all my attention on Mere, but still talking to him. “I can’t help you,” I cry in realization, “Stay or go, you don’t want help, so it doesn’t matter what I do.”

”Yes, it matters, Haley! I need – need – you here with me. Need! Don’t leave me, don’t go back to Tree Hill, not now, not when I need you more than ever.”

“That’s a risk I can’t take,” I tell him, looking him directly in the eye, “That little girl there, I won’t put her in the way of any risk. And I’m sorry, Nathan, but you’re a risk right now.”

“Great, thanks. Way to have absolutely no faith in me. And shit, way to have no faith in us, either. You’d rather take the easy way out, just like you always do. I should’ve never expected more from you.”

That hurts, and I know he sees that he struck a chord when he smirks at my outward reaction. Since we graduated high school and I broke up with Nathan to the point where we got back together, I did exactly what he said just now, always took the easy way. Push Nathan away? Easier than worrying about whether we’d survive being separated. Date and almost marry someone else? Easier than worrying about Nathan doing it first. But he’s not right this time. I’m not doing this because it is easy. This is the hardest thing ever, and I’m doing it because it is what is best, not only for Mere, but clearly for Nathan, too.

“Our flight is tomorrow,” I state evenly, realizing that it is fruitless to continue this conversation, “We’ll need to be at the airport at 8. I’d love it if you dropped us off, but if not, I’ll call a car service. Just let me know tonight.”

“Haley, don’t do this,” he says, his voice husky and pleading, “My God, I’ll beg you.  Is that what you want?”

“Of course not,” I sigh, not looking at him, “I just want you to get your shit together. I’m tired of this, and now that I know what ‘this’ is, I’m mad at you. And I’m afraid for you because I know I can’t fix you.”

“If you leave, I won’t have anything left to fight for, Haley,” he tells me, and I think he’s finally getting that I’m not making empty threats this time, I’m not saying this to hear myself talk. “If you leave, why should I care what happens to me?”

“Nathan, my God, will you listen to yourself? Do you hear anything that you’re saying? You can’t put this on me. I didn’t tell you to turn to drugs, risking your career and your life, I didn’t tell you to push me away, and I didn’t ever say I was leaving forever!”

“You might as well, right?” He drops down to sit on the stairs. “I can’t believe you’d do this, Haley. I thought we were in this – everything – together.”

“Nathan, I am in this with you, and I’ll do whatever it is that you need short of staying here. I’m just – I want to trust you, so much, but look at what you’ve done! Look at what you’ve exposed Mere to!”

“It’ll never happen again,” he promises, jumping up to place his hands on my shoulders, staring down at me intensely, “I promise you, this will never be near again. Ever. I’m already planning on getting rid of what I have – “

“You have stuff here? Now? Oh, my God, of course you do!” I yell, not really caring anymore that Mere’s attention is now on us instead of the dirt, “This – this is why we’re leaving.”

“Haley,” he sighs, but doesn’t say anything else.

“Tomorrow, we’re leaving tomorrow. And I’m not bringing her back here until you prove to me that it is safe for her. Because I won’t risk her. I can’t. You, I can’t save you, but I won’t let you take her down with you.”

With that, I turn and walk into the house, pausing only to pick Meredith up from the flower bed she’s sitting in. She’s quiet, which is unusual for her, and I know she’s picked up on the tension between Nathan and me, and not just from the yelling.

“Mama?” she asks as I get into the house with her.

“I’m going to give you a bath now, sweets,” I tell her, ignoring the questioning look on her face. When her face crumples, I pull her close to me, pressing kisses to her cheeks. “Mere, its okay, shh, shh, sweets, it’s okay.”

Both of us are crying now, and looking at her, it just hits what this is doing to her. To all of us, really. And I know, if she weren’t here, if I didn’t have her to consider, I’d stay with him, consequences be damned. So, maybe I’m lucky in more ways than one to have her, because I know Nathan’s best bet is to do this on his own.

I take her in the bathroom off her room and run the bath for her, even putting bubbles in with hopes that it will get her smiling and cheerful again. “Okay, Mere, come here. Let’s get you in the bath, sweets.”

She runs in with her favorite stuffed animal, a little cheetah that Tim sent to her a few months after I moved her here. It’s her comfort toy, one she always finds when she’s upset in some way. “Aw, babe,” I sigh, taking the animal from her and pulling her to me, “We’re going to be okay. All of us, I hope. But you, you’re going to be perfect, I’ll make sure of that. And as long as you’re okay, I’ll be okay, too.”

She finally smiles at me as I pull her clothes off and set her in the warm water. “Bubbles!” she enthuses, splashing her hands in them.

“Yeah, bubbles,” I laugh, pouring water over her head, “You’re a mess, Miss Mere. Look at you, how’d you get dirt on the back of your neck?”

I drop a few bath toys in there for her, and sit back on the floor and let her play for a few minutes. It’s calming for me to sit here and just watch her be happy with something as simple as a bath. When she starts to get bored, I wash her up and pull her out, wrapping her in one of those hooded towels that looks like a panda bear. Nathan bought the entire animal collection of them for her a couple of weeks ago, and we all decided this was our favorite. Once she’s dressed, I set her down.

“Well, there you go, all pretty and clean again,” I tell her, sighing when she tears out of the room down the hall, probably to find Nathan. I try not to think of what this is going to do to her, taking her across the country to a place she doesn’t know filled with people she doesn’t know. But I can’t keep her here in a house.

A house that still has drugs in it. God, I don’t even know where to look for them, but I have to find them. I’m uneasy with Mere being here even for one more night with them. Sighing, I get up to go find Nathan and ask him to tell me where they are. I find him sitting out on the deck off the kitchen.

“Where are they, Nathan?”

“I already took care of them when you had Mere in the bath,” he tells me, not even looking up, “I realized that they couldn’t be here. I took care of it.”

“Took care of them how?” I ask sharply, “Did you flush them? Or just move them to the garage or your car? Because if that’s what you did, that isn’t taking care of them!”

“They’re gone, Haley, what more do you want?”

“I want you to admit that this is a problem! And I want you to get help for it so that I can bring Mere back here and we can be with you. I just want to know that you’re going to be okay.”

He rolls his eyes at me. “Yeah, well, you won’t be around to know, will you? You’d rather run off to Tree Hill.”

I sit down next to him, making sure I left the door open in case Meredith needs something. “I wish we could stay, Nathan.”

“You can!” he exclaims, “Okay, maybe not here, what about a hotel? You and Mere could stay at a hotel for awhile until we get this straightened out.”

“I don’t want to stay in a hotel. Its summer now and we were supposed to go to Tree Hill anyway, so I’m just following through on that.” I glance over at him. “Maybe it will be good for me, and for Mere, too. She doesn’t know our family, and I really want her to. And you – you should come out there when you’re ready. It would probably be good for you to be around everyone who loves and supports you.”

“If they support me half as much as you do, they’ll all be out the door and across the country before I even get there, I guess.”

I expel a shuddering breath, drawing my legs up against my chest. “Don’t do this, Nathan. I know you’re angry with me, but just don’t act like you think I don’t love you.”

He doesn’t respond right away, just stares out at the expanse of water in front of us. “The sad thing is, I know you love me. But it doesn’t matter, does it? You’ll still walk out that door like you hated me.”

“Not like I hate you. Never like that,” I assure him, the words wrenched from the most agonized part of me, “I love you, Nathan, more than anything. And I’m leaving because I love you, and because I love Mere. You don’t have to believe that is the reason.”

“I’ve loved you since I was sixteen. God, that was a long time ago, wasn’t it? Even when we were apart, you were so much a part of all the decisions I made, all the things I did, both good and bad.” He shakes his head. “I don’t want to be away from you again.”

“I don’t want it either, Nathan. And you know where we’ll be, and when you’re ready and able to be with us the way we need you, then we’ll be more than ecstatic to see you.”

He makes a scoffing noise, still not looking at me. “I don’t know what else to say,” he sighs, “I can’t change your mind, I can’t make you see that this is behind me. I don’t know what else to do.”

“Get help. Nathan, eight months, that is such a long time. God, your body must be going through hell right now! Withdrawals or whatever,” I whisper, tired of screaming and yelling, “Take care of yourself and get help for your problem. If you don’t do that…”

“If I don’t do that, then there’s no hope, right? Is that what you’re trying to say?”

“Just get help. Do all of us a favor, and get help. We’re so young, Nathan, there is so much ahead of us. Get help so we can move forward.”

“Mama!” Mere screams from inside the house.

“She’s probably hungry,” I sigh, glancing over at him. I don’t want to leave him now, not when we’re actually conversing in a somewhat civilized fashion, but I don’t really have a choice. “If you want to bring her out here, I’ll fix something and we can eat out here. Or maybe just you two. There is other stuff I can do.”

He looks at me, a sad smirk on his face. “So this is how it’s going to be? You wanting to avoid me? Come on, Haley, don’t do that.”

“Oh, Nathan, I’m not avoiding you. I just didn’t know if you wanted me around now. I know you’re angry with me, and I just – “

“You’re damn right I am. But I don’t want you to stay away from me. Not even tonight.”

I wipe away a lone tear and nod, going into the house and finding Mere playing with a tube of my lipstick. She’s ‘decorated’ a large part of her own face as well as a good-sized portion of the wood floor she’s sitting on.

“Oh, you did not do that. Meredith Ryan Scott! You know better than getting in Mommy’s things,” I scold her gently, “Come on, you now get to be washed up by your daddy.”

I carry her out to where Nathan is sitting as she struggles to be set down. “What happened here?” Nathan asks, bemused, when he sees her.

“Your daughter set her makeup gun to whore,” I tell him, knowing he’ll get the reference, “I think it’s your turn to clean her up.”

“Yeah, I see that,” he agrees, arching an eyebrow at her, “What are we going to do with you, munchkin?”

She giggles at him, holding her arms out for him. He readily picks her up. “Good luck,” I say softly, “Lipstick is no fun to get out.”

He nods, talking to her softly as they go back towards her bathroom together, leaving me to ruminate on the knowledge that I won’t have anyone to take turns with for awhile. Oh, I know everyone at home will be dying to do whatever little things they can for Mere and help me out, but it won’t be the same. They aren’t her parents, Nathan and I are, and he’s not going to be around to parent with me.

I feel so much loss at all of this.

~*~

The scene with the three of us at the airport was horrendous. I was a wreck, Mere was confused, and Nathan was simultaneously devastated and angry. We drew more than a few stares since I was half-sobbing all the way through the check in line and Nathan looked like he was close to doing the same. The worst part was Mere looking back and forth between the two of us, so clearly confused but knowing something was going on.

“We’d better go,” I sigh, my throat constricting with as-yet unshed tears when he pulls Mere closer to him, “Our plane boards in an hour, and we have to get through security.”

“Yeah, okay,” he agrees, his face stricken, “Okay.”

I watch as he takes a deep breath, trying to compose himself. He sets Mere down on the ground and then kneels in front of her. “Okay, Merry bear, you be a good girl for your mommy, okay? You take care of her and make sure she’s okay. Don’t let her cry too much.” He straightens up then, standing up and towering over me. “You can still change your mind,” he says to me for the hundredth time.

“I can’t, Nathan. I have to do this.”

He doesn’t say anything else, just reaches down to swing Mere up into his arms again, hugging her tightly. “Love you, baby. You have fun, okay? I’ll talk to you all the time.”

“I’ll call you when we get there, Nathan,” I tell him.

“Who’s picking you up at the airport?”

I shrug. “I was going to call Karen from the plane. I know she’ll get us, and I’m not ready to see anyone else yet.”

“No one knows you’re coming? Oh, Haley,” he sighs.

“I – I couldn’t,” I stutter, “If I said we were coming without you, they’d ask why. And I – I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know what you want me to say to them!”

“Just tell them the truth. That I’m a big, worthless junkie,” he suggests acerbically, “They’ll probably all just say ‘I told you so’, but what can you do, right?”

“No one will say that.” Glancing at the time, I realize that we really have to go. “Nathan, I love you,” I tell him fervently, hoping he knows that enough to do what he needs to do so that we can be a family again, “But we have to go now.”

“Okay, okay. Hey Merry, come here.” He pulls her into another hug, looking up at me with tears in his eyes. “I love you, baby. Daddy loves you.”

“We’ll call you tonight, Nathan.”

“Yeah, okay. Be safe.”

Before I can change my mind, I scoop Mere up and turn away. We’ve checked all of our baggage except my bag of things to keep Mere entertained, which I stuffed with a few magazines for me, so I don’t have to carry anything more than I usually do when I take her out. Its still and armful, though, and when I feel Nathan’s hand on my back, I stop and let him help me get everything better adjusted.

“Thanks,” I murmur, “I guess I’ve got it now.”

He nods. “You can still stay, Haley J.”

I shake my head. “No, and I really do have to go now, or we’ll never make it through security to boarding in time.”

“Okay. Call me as soon you get there, okay?”

“Yeah, I will,” I promise, willing the threatening tears not to fall this time. “I love you, Nathan.”

He’s quiet, and when I realize he isn’t going to respond, I start walking. “I love you, too,” he calls from behind me. I turn and give him a small smile before leaving.

~*~

The plane ride is mostly uneventful, and Mere has traveled enough with Nathan and I that she isn’t so awestruck with her surroundings that she tries to explore or anything. It’s just sad being on here, knowing what I’m leaving and knowing what I’m facing.

Mere sleeps for a couple of hours, which I’m starting to regret. We’re already facing a time change, and with this kind of nap, she’ll be up way late tonight. God, tonight. I’m so nervous about facing everyone. No one, save Karen and Keith, who I called once the plane was in the air, know that we’re coming. They’ll be at the airport to pick us up.

The last time we came back here, things were so different. Dan threw a barbeque for us at the beach house, where he moved after the divorce with Deb, and everyone who mattered to us showed up. And it was great, the perfect way to kick off the summer. And now, almost six months since I’ve seen any of them – the last person we saw was Luke, who flew out to California to watch a game against the Lakers – I have to face them all this way. Sneaking into town, running away from my problems.

By the time we land, I’ve worked myself up into such a nervous fervor that I’m practically shaking. I swear, if I didn’t have Mere, I’d have let myself slip into basket case mode days ago. I don’t rush us off the plane, trying to compose myself as well as give time to bolstering my confidence a little. I know they’re excited to see us, but I also know that they’re concerned about why exactly we’re here.

When we finally get off the plane, among the last, and make it to the place where friends and family can wait, I spot them immediately, surprising myself by smiling widely and waving as I balance Mere on my hip. “Look, Mere, Karen and Keith!”

They both rush over to us, huge smiles on their faces. “Haley! Oh, my gosh!” Karen exclaims, looking for a way to hug me around Mere.

Laughing, I set her down, happy and comforted to be in Karen’s embrace again. I swear, it is amazing how much better I feel just having her comfort. “Oh, my God, I missed you guys so much! Where’s Eric?”

“He’s with Luke,” Keith answers as he pulls me into a hug. I can feel Meredith inching closer to me until she has her arms wrapped around my legs. “Both of them are going to be so excited to see you!”

“I’m excited to see them,” I smile, leaning down to pick Mere up. “Meredith Ryan Scott, are you going to be all shy now?”

“She gets more gorgeous every time we see her,” Karen tells me, reaching out brush a curl off Mere’s forehead, “Look at her. She must be tired.”

I roll my eyes. “This one? I don’t think so. She slept almost three hours. She’ll be up all night, torturing everyone.” I glance at Mere. “Mere, say hi to Karen and Keith.”

She looks at them briefly before casting her eyes downward again. “Hi,” she whispers, and I kiss her on the cheek.

“Good girl. She’ll warm up in no time at all,” I predict.

I’m right on that one. By the time we get to baggage claim, she’s demanding that Keith carry her and chattering on and on to Karen about ‘The Poky Little Puppy’. I’m thrilled that she’s so comfortable with them so quickly, and that sets me at ease on at least one thing.

“Where are we taking you?” Karen asks when we get to the car, “You’re more than welcome to stay with us, but you know that you will have at least four other households clamoring for you to stay with them, too. Deb is going to be all over you as soon as she finds out you’re in town, as will Dan. And I think it goes without staying that Luke will gladly fight Brooke and Tim for you, too.”

I smile, shrugging. “Can we stay with you guys tonight? I think that would be best for Mere right now. I’d be scared to see what kind of housekeepers Brooke and Tim are without me there, and I know what kind of housekeeper Luke is,” I tell them, wrinkling my nose, “So if we stay there, it will only be after they have time to clean up.”

“Of course you can stay with us. You’re more than welcome to stay as long as you’d like,” Karen beams as she straps Mere into Eric’s old car seat, “We’re thrilled to have you with us.”

“Great, then that sounds like a plan,” I smile, trying to relax and at least somewhat enjoy being home.

“When are you going to tell us what happened?” Karen asks once we’re all settled into the car, “We’re dying of curiosity, but we’re also really concerned.”

“Tonight, maybe when she’s distracted or sleeping,” I suggest, “It will be better that way, for me, at least.”

Karen and Keith exchange looks before turning back to nod at me. “Of course that’s fine, hon, we just want you to know we’re here for you.”

“I know, and I appreciate it. You guys wouldn’t believe how much I’ve missed you lately.”

We make small talk on the way to their house, but I mostly stare out the window taking in how much things have changed here. Everything isn’t completely different, but enough has changed that I don’t entirely feel like I’ve stepped back in time.

When we get there, Luke’s truck is in the driveway, and he and Eric are in the yard playing catch. They stop when the car pulls in the driveway, but wave and quickly go back to tossing the ball back and forth.

“Some greeting,” I grumble, causing Karen and Keith to laugh. “Hey, jerk, is that anyway to greet your best friend since childhood?” I call to Luke.

He starts to turn, when a ball thrown by Eric catches him on the side of the face. “Ow,” Luke grumbles, glaring back at Eric as he turns to see me, “What the hell are you doing here?”

He pulls me into a hug, picking me up and spinning me around. When he lets me go, I step back, smacking him on the arm. “Again, anyway to greet your best friend?”

He laughs, “Sorry, I’m just surprised! I can’t believe you’re here, this is great! Where’s that brother of mine?”

I look down, not sure of what to say, precisely. I guess the truth is usually a good place to start, but damn, it is hard sometimes. “He’s in Seattle, Luke.”

“What? Why would he be in Seattle?” he asks, puzzled.

“Later,” I sigh, “Go say hi to your niece.” He looks at me strangely, but complies, heading for the other side of the car. I walk over to where Eric is standing, bending down to hug him. “Oh, my God, kid, you are huge!” I tease him, “What have they been feeding you?”

“Haley,” he sighs in exasperation, “I just eat normal food!”

“Oh, well, you must eat a lot of it because you’re getting so big! Last time I saw you, I swear, you must’ve been a foot shorter!”

“He’s going to be tall, too,” Keith grins, “This family might have yet another basketball star on our hands, huh?”

I wince at the mention of basketball, but cover it by smiling. Mere lets Luke pick her up and give her a hug, but then he passes her to me so he can help drag all of our things into the house. Once we’re settled in and Mere has taken to following Eric around, the poor kid, Luke grabs my arm and drags me out into the back yard.

“Is that the same swing set that we pulverized?” I ask, trying to avoid the unavoidable, “It looks awfully similar if it isn’t.”

He rolls his eyes at me. “What’s going on? Why isn’t Nathan here?”

“Luke,” I whine, drawing out his name, “I don’t want to talk about it yet.”

“Haley, I swear to God, you can’t just show up in Tree Hill and then not tell me why you’ve just happened to show up. I mean, it isn’t like you’re one of those rich girls who decides to do something on a whim and just does it. So, what happened?”

“Oh, Luke,” I sigh, sitting down on the grass, waiting until he sits next to me, “He’s – he’s not doing good.”

“What? What the hell does that mean? Jesus, Haley, be straight with me here.”

“He’s taking drugs again,” I mumble, hating that I have to say the words out loud. It sort of pisses me off that Nathan wouldn’t pick up the phone and call his family and tell them this himself, instead letting the burden fall on my shoulders.

“He’s what?” Luke asks sharply, “Why would he be taking drugs? What kind of drugs? That doesn’t make any sense at all. Are you sure?”

“Am I sure?” I laugh bitterly, “He spent four damn days in the hospital, I’m pretty damn sure, Lucas.”

“He was in the hospital and we didn’t know about it?” he yells back at me, jumping up. I jump to my feet, too.

“Yeah, that’s right! He didn’t want anyone to know about it, and you know what? It wasn’t my place to tell then.”

“My God, when was this?” he asks, deflating.

“He collapsed five days ago at the gym he’s been training at. Some guy called me and I had to rush to the hospital with Meredith. You can guess how much fun that was.”

“Haley, what happened?” I guess he doesn’t like my editorializing on the details.

“When I showed up at the hospital, he was unconscious, and maybe I should’ve called you then, but I didn’t want to worry everybody if it was going to be for nothing.” He doesn’t say anything, just nods tersely, so I continue. “And the doctor told me what he thought was going on, and I had to tell him about the incident in high school. And when he woke up, Nathan admitted he was taking some sort of anabolic steroids as well as speed again.”

“Why?” he asks, dumbfounded, “What was he thinking? How long?”

“Over eight months or so, and I don’t know exactly what he was thinking. He says it is because he’s trying to get his playing time back up.” I pause, taking a deep breath. “I didn’t want to leave him there, but God, Luke! He had drugs in our house! In our house, with our daughter. How could he do that?”

He doesn’t say anything, and I can’t hold back any longer and start sobbing. Luke pulls me to him, and I let him, really hoping for some reassurance here. “It’ll be okay, Hales. He’s going to get help, right? Is that what he’s doing now? Going to some treatment center?”

“He doesn’t think he has a problem,” I choke out, “He thinks I’m blowing it out of proportion, and that I shouldn’t have left. He was so mad at me for leaving with Mere!”

“Yeah,” he murmurs, “I can imagine.” He pulls back, looking down at me. “Hales, if he isn’t in treatment, what the hell is he doing?”

I shrug. “He didn’t say. Maybe – maybe I should’ve asked, should’ve pushed him to tell me. It was so hard, though, and I’d already upset him so much. I only had half a day with him after I told him, anyway.”

“I’m going to go call him,” Luke mutters, jaw clenched tight, “He better drag his ass into treatment, this is bullshit, Hales! What the fuck was he thinking?”

“I don’t know, Luke, maybe he wasn’t thinking at all!” I exclaim, needing to defend Nathan even though I know Luke was right. Even though I know I was right. “He’s just so lost right now, and he’s trying so hard to hold onto basketball. I don’t think he was thinking of the consequences of what he was doing.”

“Not thinking of the consequences?” he scoffs, “That doesn’t defend his actions, Haley! God, that makes it worse. He has a daughter, a young, adorable daughter, who by all accounts adores him. He should constantly be thinking about the consequences of his actions!”

“Luke, sit down,” I tell him, shoving him towards one of the lawn chairs, “Just shut up for a minute. Let me – let me talk.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course, I’m sorry. Oh, Hales, how are you holding up? You kinda look like hell now that I notice.”

“Well, thanks, that’s the perfect thing to hear right now,” I sigh, “You’re being a really big help, Luke.”

“I’m sorry, Haley, what do you want me to say? He’s my brother, yeah, but you, you’re my sister, and you have been forever. What he did messed with you and messed with my niece. You think that I’ll let that slide, just because it’s Nathan?”

“No, I don’t think anyone will, and I don’t think anyone should. Because I know he’s wrong, that’s why I’m here. But at this point, if there is one thing he doesn’t need, it is everyone piling up condemnation on him. And I swear to God, if that is what it turns into, I will leave. I don’t know where I'll go, but I will leave. I won’t take that from anyone. I didn’t come here to teach him a lesson or some shit like that, I came to protect my daughter and to show him that I’m not okay with it.”

He sighs, leaning forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his legs. “Damn it, Haley, don’t make this easy on him.”

“What?” I ask, stunned, “What part of this do you think is easy on him, Luke? Mere and I are here, in Tree Hill, North Carolina! We’re a few thousand miles away from him, but that’s easy for him? You’re insane.”

“Yeah, I guess so. He must be going crazy without you there, you’re his rock, Haley.”

“I guess I didn’t do a very good job of being rock-y then, did I?” I ask rhetorically, “I mean, I knew something was going on, and I knew he wasn’t cheating on me or anything like that, but I still didn’t know what it was. How could I not have seen it?”

“It isn’t your job to see it, Hales,” he says, “Damn, I just don’t get what he was thinking, Haley. I mean, he has so much, so much more than anyone else I know, and he risked it? Why would he do that?”

“I don’t know, Luke, I really don’t. All I can guess is that he’s scared of losing basketball. It’s the only thing he thinks he’s good at. He doesn’t understand all the other ways that he’s special, amazing, wonderful.”

Luke sighs. “I hate to say it because everything is so different now, but I think that is Dan’s work, you know?”

I nod. “Yeah, I know.”

“He’s going to be devastated, too. He already has so much guilt, you know, for the way he treated both Nathan and me. And Nathan, well, he never gave Dan much of a chance to absolve himself.”

“This isn’t because he’s angry with Dan. Yeah, Dan definitely pawned some pretty sick and twisted notions of what place basketball, a game, has in life off on him, but it isn’t his fault.” I laugh, but it is without humor. “It might be nice if it were someone’s fault, you know? So I had something tangible to blame, so I knew how to fix this for him.”

“You can’t fix it, though, Haley. He’s going to have to fix this one himself. I know you don’t like that, but it’s why you’re here, right?”

I nod. “Yeah, it is. And I know that, but you – you should’ve seen his face, it just crumpled. God, he’s right, partially. I am leaving him when he needs me most, you know? Because he does, Luke, he needs me so much right now, and here I am, thousands of miles away.”

“Would you being there make a difference?”

I shrug, honestly not knowing. “Maybe not in terms of getting him through this addiction, but don’t addicts need support?” I blanch, realizing belatedly this is the first time I’ve called a spade a spade in terms of the drugs.

“What?”

“I called him an addict.” He gives me a ‘duh’ look. “Luke, he’s an addict. I – I didn’t even realize that, that I thought that, until just now. I – why does that make it all seem worse?”

“It shouldn’t be worse, it should be easier, right? Because you know he has a problem, and now you can help him get help.” He pats my knee. “Hey, it’s going to get better, it will. He’s going to get help, he would never let you and Mere slip away from him, and he knows that is what will happen if he doesn’t get help, right?”

“I don’t know, I’m not sure if he’s accepted that yet. There’s so much denial, from both of us. He – he hasn’t let himself admit what a problem he has.”

As Luke thinks that over, the door opens and Karen sticks her head out. “It’s late, but I threw something together for dinner. I’m sure you and Mere are both hungry,” she says to me.

“Thanks, Kare, I could definitely go for something,” I admit, standing up. I hold out a hand and pull Luke out of his chair. “And you know him.  He’s a human garbage disposal.”

“Yes, I do,” she smiles, “How I managed to feed him on a single mom budget all those years still amazes me. It is probably a good thing I worked in the food service industry.”

“Ha, and to think I was excited you were back in town,” he scoffs at me, “I should’ve known you and Mom would gang up on me first chance you got.”

“Some things never change, Lucas,” she tells him, winking at me.

“Evil, the both of you,” he mutters, turning to go in the house. “Hey,” he says, turning back to me, “Where are you and Meredith staying?”

“Here, tonight,” I tell him.

“And for as long as she wants to,” Karen interrupts, “We’re thrilled to have them. Well, Eric might not be, Meredith has really taken to following him around everywhere.”

“I’m going to make a phone call, and then I’ll be in to eat, if you guys don’t mind.” Luke looks at me sympathetically, and I give him the nod to fill in Karen and Keith, and then I wander towards the back of the yard, sitting on one of the swings.

I dial our house number, figuring that’s where he probably is. It is late afternoon there, in the middle of the week, he just got out of the hospital, so I can’t figure he’d be gone. There is no answer, though, so I end the call and dial his cell. He answers on the third ring.

“You guys made it there okay?” he asks by way of greeting.

“Yeah, everything was fine. Mere was a little lady on the flight, even.” There’s an awkward silence as neither of us says anything. “Um, I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. Luke was here when we got here, and he’s been giving me the third degree ever since. Karen called us in to eat, though, so he’s off my back.”

“I guess I’ll have to call him soon,” he sighs, sounding put out, “I mean, he’s going to want to yell, right?”

“I don’t know, Nathan. What he does is his business.”

“Right. So, aren’t you going to ask where I am, what I’m doing? Check up on me, make sure I haven’t graduated past my gateway drugs into heroin or coke?”

“That isn’t funny. Stop being such a dick to me.” I shake my head. “Yeah, I get that you’re angry with me. But I’m not out of line in anything that I did.”

“You left me, Haley! How are you getting that what you did was all warm fuzzies and for the best? Because if you see that, then maybe you’re the one doped up,” he mutters harshly.

“I never said it was a pleasant thing to do – in fact, I know I made it more than clear how much I hated it. But I did what was best for our daughter.”

“What is best for my daughter is not taking her away from me!” he yells, loudly enough that I hold the phone away from my ear, “And you know what it does to me? You know what losing you and her does to me? Haley, it makes me not give a fuck about anything. It makes me not care at all what happens to me.”

Oh, his words hurt, which I know is what he intended. He thinks that if I feel guilty enough, I’ll come back there, and we can go back to how things were before. And again, if Meredith wasn’t a factor, maybe it would work, maybe I would let myself play his games. But I can’t, I just can’t.

“So, how did everyone else take the news that I’m a complete and utter fuck up, just like they probably figured? Lots of gloating like I said, right?” He pauses. “Or was it lots of pitying sighs and hand wringing? No, don’t tell me, I’d rather play the guessing game, it’s kind of fun.”

“Nathan, stop,” I order, but he goes as if I said nothing.

“Well, Luke, he’s an easy one. He’s got the whole white knight thing, so I’m sure he was horrified and pissed, and definitely falling on the gloating side. Karen was definitely a hand wringer, and Keith was somewhere in the middle. Brooke and Tim were gloaters, for sure. There’s no way either of them would care enough about me to wring their hands or even pity me. And I’m sure my parents gloated, too. ‘That Nathan, always messing up the good things he has’.”

“Only Luke knows,” I inform him, running a hand through my hair in frustration. “Are you drunk now?”

“Maybe,” he tells me. God. Damn. Him.

“Nathan, you were released from the hospital yesterday for severe dehydration and chemical dependency treatment. What are you doing drinking?”

“I have nothing better to do, Haley,” he states, “I can’t read to my daughter, I can’t spend time with my girlfriend. What can I do? Have a drink or two and stare at the fucking lake, I guess.”

“I swear, Nathan, if you land in the hospital again, I will kill you myself. Maybe you can’t get your act together for me – fine, I can handle that – but do it for Meredith!”

“Don’t lay a guilt trip on me,” he mutters, “I know what I have to do for Meredith. She’s my baby, and I love her. I’d never hurt her, Haley!”

“Not intentionally, yeah, I know that. But drugs, in our house. Our house, I can’t look past that. I can’t. And I don’t see how you can.”

“Nothing happened,” he repeats like it is his mantra or something, “Nothing would’ve happened!”

“You don’t know that!” I explode, “What if you hadn’t collapsed that day, and she’d found your stash when you got home from the gym? What then, Nathan? You tell me what would’ve happened then!”

“That’s a lot of what-ifs right there. What if that, what if this? It didn’t happen, that is what’s important.”

“No, that’s what was lucky. What is important now is that you get help, Nathan. I mean it, you have to get help for yourself.” I pause for a minute. “Nathan, I’m begging you, please get help. For me. For Mere.”

“Let’s just drop this for now,” he sighs loudly into the phone, “Just let me get through this night on my own without you nagging me, Haley. It’s bad enough already, do you have to go out of your way to make it worse?”

“I wasn’t trying to do that,” I say softly, “I’m worried about you, that’s all. Please be careful and keep in mind that you just barely got out of the hospital. Please?”

“Yeah, whatever,” he mumbles, “Look, I don’t want to talk anymore tonight. Can we discuss this later?”

“Yeah, I’ll call you tomorrow. And if you want to, you know, talk to me before then, you can call any time. I’ll leave my phone on and near me all night.”

“Oh, Haley,” he sighs, “Don’t make this harder for me, please.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, “I wish it didn’t have to be like this.”

“You’ve made it this way, so apparently you do. Okay, look, we’ll talk later, okay?”

”Yeah, later. I love you, Nathan.”

“Good night, Haley,” he says pointedly before hanging up. God, he’s going to be mad at me forever about this, I just know it. There are a lot of things he’s forgiven me for, but I don’t know if this will be one of them.

I take a few deep breaths before heading in the house, of course finding everyone else sitting around the table. “Two kids under the age of six here, so we couldn’t wait for you,” Keith grins, “Oh, and of course, Luke here wouldn’t let us even dream of waiting either.”

“You people are going to make me feel unwelcome soon,” Luke grumbles under his breath as Karen, Keith, and I laugh. Mere is too busy watching Eric who is too busy playing with his food for either to be paying any attention to us anyway.

I sit down in the open seat next to where they’ve set up a high chair for Meredith. “I can’t believe you guys had this high chair, still. You aren’t planning on having another – “

I barely get ‘another’ out before both Karen and Keith jump in, assuring me that is not the case.

“No, definitely not,” Karen laughs, “We’re too old for another one.”

“We kept that around in case – well, for instances just like this,” Keith chimes in, “Actually, I wanted to get rid of it since it was taking up room in the garage, but Karen insisted it would be used. And now I’m really glad we kept it.”

“Me, too,” I agree, “Thanks.”

I know that Luke has told them by now at least the bare bones story of what is going on with Nathan. It is nice that they’re giving me a bit of normalcy now, and I sort of wonder if I have Luke to thank for that.

“So, Haley, how’s work been lately?” Keith asks, keeping the conversation light.

“It’s been going pretty well,” I manage to smile, “I’m still only working part time so I can spend most of the day with Mere, but I’ve worked for a few of Nathan’s teammates and I was starting to get better accounts.”

“That’s excellent, honey,” Karen smiles, reaching over to take Eric’s knife away without even looking at him when he starts banging it on the table. Meredith imitates him immediately, and so I reach over and put my hand on top of hers to stop the tapping.

“Mere, no,” I tell her, “Don’t tap your spoon.”

She glares at me, but when I remove my hand, doesn’t start tapping again, just pushes her food around on the tray. I lean over and kiss her forehead, which immediately earns me a giggle and huge toothy smile from her.

“She’s a very happy baby,” Karen comments, and I grin.

“Yeah, she is. She’s so sunny and bright all the time. It sort of makes me worry what this will do to her.”

“Well, it could have been worse if you’d stay,” Luke points out quite correctly, “So, this has to be the better option.”

“He’s right,” Karen agrees after a moment, “We might not like it, but it is better that she’s not near that situation anymore.”

“I just – she really adores him,” I sigh, my gaze focused on her as I talk to everyone else, “And I know she’s just going to be beside herself missing him now. I hate that, I hate I’ve had to separate them like this.”

“It’ll work out, Haley. He’s going to do what’s best for everyone, and then you’ll be able to be a family again,” Keith assures me.

Luke snorts in disbelief. “I don’t know, someone is going to have to go up there and kick his as – uh, kick his butt into rehab, because you know he isn’t going voluntarily.”

“Luke,” I sigh, “Don’t – don’t presume to know what he’ll do, okay? Maybe he’ll surprise you this time.”

It is probably selfish that I’ve set it up so that I can make the hard decisions and point out the unsavory truths about Nathan, but I won’t let anyone else talk badly about him, at least not like that.

“Yeah,” he mumbles, “Sorry. I’m just worried about him, that’s all.”

“I know, me too,” I admit, putting my fork down, appetite suddenly gone, “But let’s just not discuss that for a little bit, okay?”

“Of course we don’t have to talk about it,” Karen jumps in, “There are many things we could be talking about with Haley, who we haven’t seen in ages, right now.”

I give her a big ‘thank you’ smile before turning to Luke. “Exactly. So, tell me, how’s a seemingly good catch like you still single?”

He rolls his eyes, but gives in and plays the game my way. “Hey, I just can’t find a girl that will live up to the high standards set by all the females currently in my life.” He chuckles to himself. “And I hang out with Brooke a lot, and not a lot of girls show an interest in approaching either Tim or me when she’s around.”

“She can be scary when she wants to,” I laugh, “I can’t believe you aren’t dating anyone. I mean, yeah, the dating pool here isn’t that big, but you’re working in Durham, Lukie.”

“Let’s not encourage him,” Keith groans, “That last girl he brought home, she was – well, she was something else.”

“What happened with this girl?” I ask, eager to hear the stories of what’s been happening with everyone here.

“Hold on,” Karen interrupts, “You guys go get settled in the living room since everyone is done eating. I’ll move the dishes to the kitchen and be out in a minute.”

“Oh, no, let me help you, Karen,” I tell her, jumping up. There is no way I’m going to let her do everything for me when she’s opened her home like this to me and a two year old.

“No, honey, you take Meredith and go hang out with the boys. I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Thanks, Karen,” I smile, doing as she insisted. Once we’re all situated, I beg for them to begin telling the story. “Okay, what happened?”

“You know, Hales,” Luke interrupts, “There are tons more interesting stories we could tell you, it doesn’t have to be this one.”

“Well, I want to hear them all,” I assure him, smiling at Mere as she climbs on my lap, clutching her cheetah tightly, “I feel like I’ve missed so much. So, let’s start with this one, particularly if it will be even remotely embarrassing to Luke.”

“Oh, it will,” Keith promises, earning a glare from Luke, “Anyway, there was this woman named Tamara who Luke met one Saturday when he was helping me out at the garage. See, her Beamer broke down on her way through town, and she got towed to my place.”

“Aw, Luke, did you rescue the damsel in distress?” I tease.

“As a matter of fact I did,” he sighs, his face turning a light shade of pink.

“So,” Keith grins, continuing, “They get to talking, and Luke ends up asking her out for dinner since she’ll be stuck in town here for a few days. She agrees, and since it ends up taking a few days for the part to get here, they go out several times. Of course, the part eventually comes, and so Tamara ends up moseying on back to wherever she came from. But Luke continued to see her a few more times, and finally she ended up coming down for a weekend.”

“This is the bad part,” Luke groans, his face turning a deeper shade of pink now, “This is the part where I’m an idiot.”

“Yeah, it is,” Keith agrees, and I laugh, “So, she stays with him, and the second day she’s there, he notices a couple of things gone. Nothing he’d die without, just a watch and a few bucks, right?”

“Oh, my God,” I start giggling, “Luke, did you get cased?”

Luke doesn’t answer, looking down in embarrassment, so Keith jumps in. “He sure did! He let her stay another night, and he woke up the next morning to find his TV, stereo, diamond cuff links, computer, and anything else of value gone.”

“Oh, Luke,” I sigh, trying to stop laughing, “That’s awful. Did they catch her?”

He shakes his head. “Nope, but at least I got an insurance settlement, so I was able to replace most of the things. They still might find her someday, especially if she pulls these games a lot.”

“Wow, she sounds like a real piece of work.” I shake my head. “I can’t believe you let her pull one over on you like that!”

“Well, she was a pro!” he exclaims in self-defense, “Why would I suspect that the nice girl whose car I fixed would turn out to be a thief? There’s never cause for that!”

“Oh, my gosh, do you have anymore stories?” I ask Keith, enjoying the family vibe that is always present in this house. I’ve missed it so much, no matter how sure I am that I made the right decision in moving to be with Nathan.

Mere stirs in my lap, looking up at me sleepily. “Looks like the stories should probably wait until morning,” Luke comments.

“Yeah,” I agree, standing up with Mere, “I think it might be time for her – and me, by extension – to go to bed. I’m not sure how she’ll do falling asleep in a new place for the first time.”

“She’s pretty tired, she might surprise you,” Karen suggests from the doorway, “Come on, I’ll help get you both settled.”

I follow her down the hall to the guest room, where they’ve already stashed our bags. Karen had somehow found time to stock the room with fresh flowers as well as towels and extra blankets and Eric’s old crib. Something they probably kept for an instance just like this, I suppose.

“Thank you, Karen,” I tell her, still holding Mere, “You have no idea how much I appreciate it. This whole thing was so last minute, but – “

“It’s okay,” she jumps in after I choke up and trail off, “We completely understand. And I know it isn’t under good circumstances, but we’re thrilled to have you back here for awhile.”

“I’m sorry I sprung everything on you all,” I tell her as I lay Meredith down in the crib. The blankets are pink, prompting me to ask, “When did you get time to get pink blankets?”

“Honey, you called right after your plane took off. I ran out and picked up a few things right after that. I had several hours, you know.” Mere whimpers a little, so I reach down and take her hand. “How are you holding up?”

“Not so great,” I admit, “I know I did the right thing by getting Mere out of there, but I still question it.”

“I know it’s confusing now, Haley, but you guys will work everything out. I don’t doubt that, not even a little bit. I’ve seen how important your family is to both you and Nathan, and it’s going to work out.”

“I don’t know, he’s so angry with me, Kare. How can I be sure he’ll ever forgive me enough for us to be okay again?”

“Maybe there’s nothing to forgive,” she points out, “And he’ll realize that. Because we all know how much he loves both of you, and we all know that when he realizes what danger he put you both in, particularly Meredith, he’s going to realize how far off course he’d gotten.”

T

“I hope so,” I mutter, trying not to cry again. I’m so tired of crying right now, and if I never shed another tear, it wouldn’t bother me in the least.

“It will, Haley. Look at everything you have gone through with him already. There’s no way that he isn’t going to realize that he needs to do anything and everything he can to get his life back.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just so scary right now, and everything is in limbo, and if there is anything I hate, it is the unknown,” I sigh.

“Well, I’m going to let you two get some sleep. I know you’ve had a rough couple of days, and I’m sure you’re tired from them.” At this moment, I am, but I think I’ve been so keyed up since I got that call from the trainer at Nathan’s gym that I didn’t even realize when I was tired.

She slips out of the room, and no sooner do I turn back to Mere when the door opens again. It’s Luke, of course.

“Hey,” he half smiles, “Just came to make sure you were okay. That you were both okay.”

“Yeah, we’ll be fine, Lukie. Your mom left us everything we could ever possibly need, and then some. You don’t have to worry about us.”

“Well, I do, actually,” he says resolutely, “Especially you. Meredith, she’s just a baby, and I’m sure she’s the most genius baby of all time, but she’ll be fine, ultimately. I’m just worried what this will do to you.”

“For your information, she is the most genius little girl of all time,” I assure him with a smirk, my voice as low as his was, “And yeah, she’ll probably be okay. I’m sure I’m not stunting her emotional growth too badly with this.”

“Should we place a bet on it?”

“On what?” I ask, confused.

“How long before he shows up here, doing whatever it takes to get you two back? Because he will, Hales. It might take longer than any of us want or think he deserves to wait, but he’s going to come to his senses, and he’s going to do what you asked.”

“Does it make it more selfish that I don’t want him to do it because I asked, but because I want him to do it for himself?” I ask, moving to sit on the bed when I notice Mere has fallen asleep.

“No, I think that makes it really unselfish. But that’s not really what this is about. It’s about getting Nathan help. And I know now isn’t the time, but we’re going have to discuss our options. And what about legal trouble? Did the hospital report him to the team or to the police? If they did, he’s going to need a lawyer. And what about follow-up care? Is he getting any?”

Great, all these questions, and I have answers for none of them. I know it isn’t his intention in the least, but he’s really making me feel like shit here.

“I don’t know, Luke!” I whisper, panicked. I jump up from the bed, and shove him towards the door. If Mere is going to fall asleep this easily, then she’s obviously tired and needs her sleep. “Oh, my God, I’m a horrible girlfriend! I didn’t find any of that stuff out! I don’t know what kind of follow-up care he needs because the doctor discharged him before I got there! And I don’t know if there are legal ramifications to this. How could I not have known that?” I exclaim harshly once we are on the other side of the door.

Pure panic is setting in, and Luke knows me well enough to recognize that. He grabs me by the upper arms and gives me a good shake. “Knock it off!” I nod jerkily, fighting for a sense of composure. “Look, Hales, it all happened really fast, right? And it sounds like Nathan wasn’t really forthcoming about it all, so what can you do?”

“Well, I could’ve asked! I should’ve asked, he’s going to need someone to watch out for him and make sure he is at least doing what the doctors have told him to do! The other stuff, fine, maybe I can not worry about that as much because his life isn’t in the hands of that, but if he gets sick because I didn’t know he should be doing something and wasn’t there to push him, then I couldn’t handle that.”

“Stop, Hales,” he says firmly, “You aren’t his keeper. You don’t have any power over his actions, and I’m not going to let you sit here and feel guilty for something that is not your responsibility.”

“I love him, Luke, and there is always a semblance of responsibility in that.”

“No, not this time. I’m sorry, I know you want to take all of this on your shoulders, but I won’t let you. You’re doing really well so far, Haley. Made the right decision in coming here with Meredith and giving Nathan that dose of tough love he needs. And I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think you’re supposed to give an inch, now.”

“What are you talking about, Luke?” I ask in exasperation.

“I think that we’re supposed to be tough with him now, hold our ground. Make sure he knows that no one is kidding about this, and that he needs help.”

“If you’re talking about an intervention, that’s not something that will work with Nathan. He would shut down the second he saw everyone in a room together, and we’d never get anywhere. This – I don’t know, maybe this is going to have to be about individual appeals. Or maybe he’s already taking care of this himself!” I add hopefully, even though I know that isn’t true.

“Eight months, Hales. You said it yourself, he’s been using for eight months. Do you really think that’s something he can just ‘take care of’? It isn’t.” He sighs, shaking his head. “God, I wish it was, but we both know, it isn’t.”

“Yeah, I know. I know! But just…just let me hang onto a tiny bit of hope for awhile longer, Luke. I need that right now. Really badly.”

“Yeah, okay. I’m sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to help you help Nathan. I guess I went about it in the wrong way.”

“Just a little,” I smile sadly. “It’s okay, I know you mean well, and I appreciate that you want to help me. I’m sure I’ll need it.”

“Hey, you want to get out of here? Go to a bar and get your mind off of things? I’m meeting Brooke and Tim tonight at that place on Main Street.”

“Oh, Luke, I shouldn’t. What if Mere wakes up? I have to be here in case that happens.”

“Hales, Mom and Keith are both here, and she’ll be fine with them. Besides, she’s out like a light. Probably won’t even wake up until 7 or 8 since it was such a long day.”

“Maybe you’re right about that,” I concede, “But I don’t know if I’m ready to face anyone else with this yet, not even them.”

“They’re your friends, Haley, they love you.”

“Neither of them are Nathan’s biggest fan, and this isn’t going to help. And I know they won’t say anything, but I’ll know, I’ll know what they’re thinking, and I won’t like it.”

“Well, I’m thinking it, too, Haley. But you can still talk to me, right? Listen, don’t shut them out just because they might think a little less of Nathan.”

I nod. “I just feel really protective of him right now. Like if he can’t do it for himself, then I’m going to be the one who stands up for him. Who stands by him. But then I think that, and I wonder how the hell I can do that when I’m here, and it all becomes a messy blur again.”

“We’ll all stand by him, and we’ll all stand by you.”

“Thanks,” I manage to smile slightly.

“So, still not up for going out tonight? Come on, it will be fun.”

“No, I really can’t. I just want to stay here with Mere in case she needs me.” I don’t have to say it because I’m sure it is obvious, but right now, Mere is my excuse for closing myself off. Oh, I know I’ll see Brooke, for sure, and Tim, probably, tomorrow, but for now, I just want to be closed off with my daughter, taking care of her.

“Okay, suit yourself. But we’re going out for brunch with them tomorrow. Just the four of us, Mom will watch Meredith for you, okay?”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” I agree, knowing that he – or the other two – won’t take no for an answer. And I don’t feel like giving it, anyway. “Hey Luke? Will you explain the situation to them? And maybe ask that they go easy on what they say about him, especially in my presence?”

“Haley, think about it. They love you, you’re their best friend. They’d never do anything to upset you intentionally, and they both know that any badmouthing of Nathan would upset you. Give them a little credit.”

I nod because he’s right. “Yeah, okay. Tell them I love them, and that I can’t wait to see them, then?”

“Now that is something I’d be happy to do.”

Once he leaves, I walk back into the guest room, blinking in surprise at finding Mere standing up in the crib. “Sweets, what are you doing up?” I ask her, leaning down to pick her up. “You want to sleep with Mommy tonight?”

She doesn’t say anything, just looks around the new and unfamiliar room with her bright blue eyes, so like her father’s. I lay her down on the bed and quickly change into my pajamas, crawling in next to her. She scootches over to my side, snuggling against me.

“Aw, baby, I love you,” I whisper, hugging her tight. “It’s all going to be okay. That is my promise to you, and if there is one person I would never break a promise to, it’s you.” I nod, more to myself. “We’re going to be okay.”

And maybe, just maybe, I can let myself believe that, at least for the night.

Chapter 3

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