Getting It All Back

By Brynne

Chapter Nineteen – Thunder Road

‘Don't run back inside

darling you know just what I'm here for

So you're scared and you're thinking

That maybe we ain't that young anymore’ - Springsteen

~*~Late July, 2014~*~

“I can’t believe we’re trying this again,” Tim mutters quietly to me when everyone else is out of earshot.

To be honest, I can’t either. Scott family functions seem to end in someone storming off, someone crying, or nasty words being hurtled; or any combination of the three. They aren’t fun, they aren’t really emotionally safe, and while we’ve avoided violence so far, I’m not sure that’s something that will always hold true if we keep things the way they are now.

“Yeah, well, we’re gluttons for awkward family gatherings in these here parts,” I sigh, stifling a chuckle, “It’s just not a party without high levels of complete awkwardness. And hey, I’m feeling it on all ends. Deb is still pissed at me for not calling her when Mere got her stitches, and Brooke is being all frosty still. Can’t win for trying.”

“She’ll come around,” he promises me for the millionth time, “And until then, ignore her.” I raise my eyebrows at him in surprise. “What? She’s being ridiculous, and I know it as well as she does. Well, I probably know better than her, but she knows it, too. You’ve tried everything, and she’ll come around when she does.”

“Too bad I hate waiting so much,” I grump, frowning in the general direction of Brooke, my arms folded on top of my baby, “I wish she’d just hurry up and get it together. The wedding is in two weeks. I’d really, really like to be a part of it.”

The last part is, embarrassingly enough, said on a sniffle and followed by an effort to choke back a few tears. “Hey, James, I mean it, she’ll come around. Before the wedding, really,” he promises, rubbing my shoulder. “Don’t do that cry thing.”

“’Cry thing’?” I repeat incredulously, “It’s a wonder she’s still pissed at me when I’m sure you give her so many ample opportunities for anger.”

He crinkles his nose, grinning sheepishly. “Yeah, well, she gets over it faster with me. I don’t know why; it’s a Brooke thing, probably.”

I shrug, not really having an answer for that. Well… “She’s resented some of my choices for a long time,” I note a little dispassionately, “And that probably built up. I don’t know, Tim. It is what it is, right? I just…can’t worry about it as much right now as maybe I would at any other time. I have too much going on.”

He nods, and I know that he understands. That doesn’t put him on my side, and I know that, too, but at least he understands where I’m coming from, my position in all of this. “I just wish she’d let it go. That’s all she has to do now, you gave her the out. She just has to let it go. Like you said,” he sighs worriedly, shuffling his feet in a way I haven’t seen him do in years, “The wedding is in a month. If things aren’t better….”

“They will be,” I jump in to assure him. And I mean that – okay, I can’t ‘mean’ it, but I can certainly do my part to improve things with Brooke, whether she likes it or not.

He smiles in a bittersweet fashion. “Yeah, okay,” he nods, even though he clearly doesn’t believe it, “Well, at least Nathan and Brooke are managing to avoid each other. I doubt either of them would bother to hold their tongues today. That’s a small blessing, right?”

“Yeah, I agree immediately, smiling, “It’s something. And things will get better. Brooke and I won’t stay like this forever, you know.”

“I know,” he nods, “I just hate that it is like this at all.”

“Well, you and me both,” I laugh, shaking my head, “This is definitely not how things were meant to be.”

He nods. “I know,” he agrees, “But you’re right, things will get back to normal. Or as normal as they can be in Tree Hill. This place is like the Twilight Zone compared to the rest of the world.”

I roll my eyes at that assessment. “I don’t think it’s quite as bad as that,” I laugh, “And anyway, I think we make our own troubles.”

“But the Tree Hill part just makes us that much more susceptible to creating that trouble for ourselves,” he argues, nodding fervently along with his own argument, “It’s like a curse or something.”

“Whatever,” I shrug, watching as Brooke fawns over Lola. While I know they’ve become close, a part of me is also thinking that she’s doing it to rub things in my face. Point out how she doesn’t need me, how she still has friends that don’t have kids or almost-husbands that take precedence. Maybe this is something she’ll never be able to understand about my life.

“Hey, I’m gonna go hang out around the grill, feel like a manly man,” he grins, ruffling my hair before leaving. I sigh, leaning back in my chair. I’m trying really hard to not put too much into this thing with Brooke, but it weighs on me. The unfortunate part is that there isn’t much more I can do right now, short of taking all the blame on myself, and maybe this isn’t very objective, but I don’t think that is deserved. I have to wait her out now, and that’s hard.

Karen comes over, dropping into the seat that Tim vacated. “Well, how’s everything going? How are you feeling?”

“Like a bloated pig,” I sigh, smiling gratefully at her as she gives me an icy glass of water, “Other than that, okay. Good, even.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” she nods, smiling kindly. Karen has been my number one non-Nathan/Mere companion the last couple of months. Every chance I’ve had, I’ve spent at the café with her, just catching up and talking. Definitely the easiest relationship that I have. “Things still seem a little frosty from the direction of my ex-daughter-in-law,” she notes, crinkling her nose at the observation, “Am I going to need to set her straight?”

I grin at her, grateful to have someone, in addition to Nathan, so completely on my side in everything. “I think she’ll straighten out on her own, eventually. Unfortunately, it is beginning to look as if that won’t happen in time for the wedding. I just really hate that I’m missing that.”

She nods solemnly, sighing as she brushes her bangs off her forehead. “I can imagine. Well, perhaps she’ll come around in time for the wedding. I know excluding you further than she already has will be something that she’ll really regret eventually.”

“’Will’?” I parrot back, bemused, “Do you know something that I don’t know? Am I doomed to sit in the back row of the church with the husband and daughter that take up too much of my time for her liking?”

“I haven’t heard anything,” she denies, shaking her head, “But I know that she can really hold a grudge in a very spectacular way. I’m just afraid, for both of you, that she won’t come to her senses in time. That would be a shame.”

I nod, understanding what she’s saying, why she thinks that. “Maybe she won’t,” I agree, “And I guess that’s something we’ll both have to deal with if it comes to it. I guess I’m still holding out hope that it won’t. Even when I call or stop by, she’ll barely even talk to me before passing the phone to Tim or leaving the room. It’s just frustrating. I wish things were different.”

She pats my leg, and I know she wishes she could change this for me. “Honey, this just means that you will both appreciate each other so much more when you get things back on track. I promise you that.”

I can’t argue with that, so I don’t even try. But I can still feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I look over at her. “I just don’t want to miss being a part of their wedding,” I choke out in a whisper, “Four years, Kar. Those two were my constant companions for four years, and I don’t even get the impression right now that she wants me there. I keep trying, partially for Tim, but she’s giving me nothing.”

“I know, sweetie,” she sighs, wrapping her arms around my shoulders as I cry a little. Sometimes you just have to. Over a barely hanging on by a thread friendship while in the eighth month of a pregnancy seems like one of those times. “Some things never get easy. If they did, we wouldn’t appreciate them as much.”

“Did you get that off of a Hallmark card?” I giggle, dabbing at the corners of my eyes to blot away the tears.

“No, but if one of the guys said it, then that would probably be the case,” she laughs with me, “So, how are things on the other fronts? How’s Nathan doing?”

Karen is the only one that I mentioned anything about Nathan’s little breakdown to. He’d have been exceedingly angry with me if I mentioned it to Luke or Dan, and if I talked to Tim about it, he’d tell Brooke, and that would just give her more ammo. So Karen and Keith really are the only ones I’d have even dreamed of looking to for support in this one.

But she was great with it all, listened as I ran through the clinical side of it, how these things were to be expected, and let me cry when I talked about horrible it was to see him like that, so scared and hopeless. She was a rock for me, and with such a good role model, maybe I’m doing better for Nathan that I’d thought.

“He’s doing alright,” I tell her with a smile. Sometimes, I think that I have more confidence in his ability to remain in recovery than he does, but I also don’t think that is unhealthy or abnormal. Someone has to have faith in him, and I am more than happy it can be me. “I think he’s still nervous, I think that day with Mere really flashed out how fragile the recovery process is in his face, but we talk about it, and I think that helps him.”

“That’s natural, I suppose,” she notes, “I’m just glad that he can talk about it with you. It’s probably still hard for him, so the fact that he can start to open up with it is really something.”

“It was hard for both of us,” I admit, blushing, “It was so hard to talk to him about the things he did and said when he was using. It was hard to hear it and it was hard to say it. Actually, he was better at that part than me.”

She nods knowingly. “Deb is always fretting about that with him. She doesn’t seem to think that he’s capable of opening up, but maybe that’s because she’s never gotten that from him.”

I shrug, not really caring about Deb’s position or thoughts or feelings on this anymore. “He still doesn’t trust them. Both her and Dan tap into that little boy lost part of him where Dan browbeat him all the time and Deb was never there. I wish he’d deal with it because it would be so much better for him if he did, but I don’t know. Maybe that’s just not in the cards, right?”

“Maybe it isn’t,” she agrees, sighing. “I know that you don’t have much sympathy for her, but Deb really loves you all. She’s just not…that graceful in showing it always.”

I snort, rolling my eyes. “Well, I certainly believe that she loves Nathan and Mere, but I don’t think she has much use for me these days. I’m just that girl that took her son away.”

“I think you are a little more than that,” Karen teases, winking at me, “And she does love you. You’re right, she’s crappy at showing it, but she does love you all. Very much.”

“For her sake, and for Nathan and our children, I hope they can figure it out. But it is just too hard for me to worry about things like Deb and her feelings right now. It’s the same issue I have with Brooke. We all assign different levels of importance to things, priorities, and there is just no more room at the top of mine.”

Karen beams proudly at me. “That’s very mature, Haley. I’m proud of you. You’re a wonderful person, and you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.”

I smile back at her. “I learned from the best. Thank you. You have no idea how much you and your family have made my life, but it is really amazing. I love all of you so much.”

“We know,” she assures me, “And we love you back.”

“So,” I start, ready for a lighter subject, “You think this delivery will be easier than with my little monster? They say second deliveries are easier, and I’m really, really hoping that isn’t a lie.”

“Oh, well, they’d like you to think that,” she grins, laughing a little, “But that’s just to give you a false sense of security up until your eleventh hour of labor.”

“Very nice,” I laugh, scrunching my nose up at the thought. It’s not like I haven’t gone through it before; actually that’s precisely it. I’ve been through it, and I know I want a shorter, easier one this time, damn it. Is that too much to ask for?

“You asked, my dear,” she retorts, “No, it will probably be easier. I think statistics are in your favor on that one. Eric was easier than Lucas, but that’s sort of been true in a lot of things so far. Of course, Luke had you there egging him on, getting him into all sorts of trouble!”

“Hey!” I squawk in protest, “No fair! Luke was definitely the trouble maker of the two of us! I was an angel all the way.”

“Did I hear my name?” Luke calls from over by the grill, “Hales, if you’re telling lies about me again, it’s on, pregnancy or not!”

I stick my tongue out at him after covertly checking to make sure Mere isn’t paying attention to me. She and Nathan are sitting on a blanket together, rolling a plush basketball back and forth. She’s giggling like it’s the greatest thing in the world, and I suppose it is. I can’t think of anything better off the top of my head.

“Luke, don’t bite off more than you can chew,” I throw back at him teasingly, “I can still kick your ass, eating for two or not!”

He comes over, flopping down onto the chaise lounge that I’d been using as a foot rest. At my glare, he grins widely at me. “Don’t be a pregnant prima donna,” he warns me, handing me some carrot sticks. He just shrugs at my incredulous look – he knows I hate these things. “You need some vitamins or something. I saw you eating those cookies earlier. Tsk, tsk.”

“Oh, shut up,” I grump, prompting a laugh from Karen and a wounded look from Luke, “I don’t need you telling me what I should be eating, Lucas. And, if you’re calling me fat, there is going to be an ass kicking like you won’t even believe.”

He rolls his eyes at me, his foot shooting out to lightly kick me in the shin. “You know I’d never say that, and for the record? I don’t think it either. You’re….glowing. Seriously, you look great.”

“Ass kisser,” I mutter, kicking back at him, “You suck.”

“Whatever,” he grins, retorting, “You’re just mad that your bod isn’t as hot as mine!” Karen groans at that, shaking her head at him. “What? It’s true, she’s jealous I’m hotter than she is!”

“Yeah, I’m really jealous of your ‘bod’,” I drawl, smirking at him, “I just wish I had the body of a prepubescent girl.”

He frowns, pouting at me. “Okay, now you’re just being mean.”

I shrug, throwing a carrot stick at his head. “You asked for it.”

“That you did,” Karen agrees, getting out of her chair, “Well, I am going to go make sure that my husband your father do not cook all the life out of the steak. You two behave. You’re too old to pick at each other like that all the time.”

“And Haley has kids!” Luke gasps with mock horror, “Oh, the craziness.”

“All the craziness is sitting right across from me,” I snip back at him, “It’s craziness personified.”

“Mommy, she’s mean,” he whines, laughing when Karen rolls her eyes and throws her hands in the air, walking off without a backward glance. “She’s just no fun,” he says as he moves to the chair she vacated.

“Doesn’t get it,” I note in response, taking a chip from the plate he’s holding, “Thanks, chips are way better than carrots.”

“One day, you’ll get fat, and you can’t blame me,” he warns, leaning his head on my shoulder, “So, how’s things? Uh, how’s Nathan?” I open my mouth to tell him to ask Nathan, if he really wants to know, but he rushes on. “If he’d tell me, I’d ask. It’s just awkward with us right now, but I genuinely want to know how he’s doing. If things are okay for him, if I can do anything.”

Taking a deep breath, I sigh. “Talk to him, Luke. Just talk to him and don’t judge and don’t push.”

“Is that how you deal with him?”

I glare at him in exasperation. “I don’t ‘deal’ with him, Luke! I love him, I live with him, I talk to him, I laugh with him! It isn’t about ‘dealing’; that’s not how I want to interact with him. God, that shouldn’t be how anyone wants to interact with him! And you know, I defend you guys, over and over, tell him that he needs to talk to you, that he needs to bend a little, but why? Why do I even bother with this when you clearly have no respect for him at all?” I hiss, not keen on causing a scene, but unable to stop myself from getting this off my chest, either.

He leans back, shaking his head. “It’s nice that you’re so defensive of him,” he starts, his tone mild, “But maybe you should let him fight his own battles. He’s plenty good at it.”

“Why should he have to?” I persist, “Why should he even bother, Luke? He knows you disapprove, which I guess is your right, so where in that is the incentive for him to even try?”

He opens his mouth to respond, but snaps it shut. Seeming to deflate, he sinks back into the cushion of the couch. “Maybe you’re right,” he concedes, shrugging his shoulders tiredly, “I don’t know anymore.”

Sighing, I lean forward. “Why can’t you cut him some slack, Luke? It’s not like you’re perfect either. It isn’t like you haven’t made mistakes. And fine, his were big ones, but he’s worked so hard to put that part of his life behind him, behind us. Give him a little credit, please.”

He nods, and I can see that he isn’t just doing it to appease me. “I wish I knew what to say to him,” he admits, “Or I wish I could keep my mouth shut on the things he doesn’t want to hear. That might let things go a little smoother.”

I roll my eyes. Men! The answer is so obvious, so simple, that I can’t believe it doesn’t occur to any of them. “Why don’t you bring up a neutral subject, you douchebag!” I admonish him, “Hello, talk about baseball or something. Ask him what his course of study will be once he starts school again this fall.” I shake my head, exasperated. “I don’t get why it is so hard for you to pick something to talk about that isn’t a hot button.”

He rolls his eyes at me, showing his own exasperation. “Honestly, Hales. What isn’t a hot button issue in this family?”

“If you really care, you’ll find something,” I suggest icily, “It isn’t like I’m asking you to perform open heart surgery on a whim, Luke. I’m asking you to not be an asshole. Is the assholism really that ingrained in you now?”

I can tell what I’ve said wounds him, but I don’t know that I really care right now. I’m tired of Nathan taking all the hits here, of him feeling like he’s not wanted or worthy of this family. Things couldn’t be further from the truth, and I for one am not going to act like things are okay here when they so definitely aren’t.

“Jesus,” he mutters, looking away from me, his gaze flicking over to where his girlfriend stands laughing with his ex-wife, “That’s really what you think of me now?”

It hurt him, what I said. But what he’s said and done to Nathan has hurt not only Nathan, but me as well. And maybe it is selfish of me, but I want him to know that. And maybe it is mercenary of me, but I want him to feel it, too.

“Not in that scathing of terms,” I capitulate, “But in essence, yes, it is.”

“Wow, that’s harsh,” he mutters, shaking his head, “I can’t believe that you’d put all this off on me like this.”

I snort, rather indelicately, at that. “Yeah, well, if you can do it to Nathan, I suppose that I can do it for him, huh?”

He puffs out an angry breath, rolling his eyes. “Then this is some twisted form of payback because I don’t relate well with my brother?”

“No, this is because you don’t even seem to want to give him a chance, Lucas! Have you given him any credit for the strides he’s made? Have you bothered to read about addiction, to see if maybe you could gain a little understanding? Because it’s there, you can find that. But the thing is, you have to look. You have to take the time to look, you have to actually want it.”

“I do want things with him to be better,” he states earnestly, “I don’t like the way they are. I don’t like that it hurts him to see that Dad and I are close now.”

“Yeah, but the thing is, you don’t do anything to make him feel better about it. So maybe you feel bad, but it’s not like that is any kind of incentive for you to change. Just include him once in awhile,” I plead, inwardly sighing – Nathan is not one to appreciate me fighting his battles, but sometimes, some things need to be said.

And I’m not trying to take anything away from Luke and what he’s made out of his relationship with Dan. It wasn’t easy for either of them, but they’ve forged something that is strong and good. But neither of them understand just how hard that is for Nathan to see that. I wish they knew how excluded he felt, how much of a slap in the face it is that they’ve become father and son in a true sense of the word.

Luke sighs, shaking his head. “I don’t know what to say to Nathan now,” he admits, defeated, “And I really don’t get the sense that he wants to do anything with Dad and I, you know? We just seem to be where he wants to focus his anger, and maybe that’s what it has to be.”

“Oh, knock that shit off,” I glare at him, frustrated beyond belief. Is this a guy thing? “So he was mad, so what? He was high, too! And he’s neither of those things anymore.”

“Then what is he?” Luke challenges, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, “What is he now if he’s not mad anymore?”

“He’s on the outside,” I answer simply, “And that hurts him, and I don’t like seeing him hurt, at all. Do something about it, Luke. Try, please.”

“Is he ever going to try?” Luke asks back, quietly, “Because this isn’t a one way street. And you can try and whitewash it all you want, but the fact of the matter is, for years, Nathan has resented any interaction between me and Dad to the point where he shuts us both out. For years, even back when we were in college.”

I can’t dispute that, and I wouldn’t do either of us the discredit of trying. “Maybe someday that will be something the three of you can talk about,” is all I can offer to him. “I’m sorry, Luke. Maybe it isn’t fair to push all of this off on you; I know how much Nathan matters to you. I know that you do want things for him to be okay.”

He manages to smile slightly at me at that. “I do, I really do. And I know they will be.”

“And how do you know that?” I ask in return, relaxing a tiny bit.

“Because he has you,” he says completely seriously, “And I know that you’ll make sure of it. You and Mere and that baby, that’s more than enough incentive for him to do his best. And I say this completely grudgingly – we all know that Nathan’s best is really damn good.”

When he says things like that, I melt a little and forget that he’s routinely made Nathan feel like crap lately. But it’s sweet enough that I can let some of the anger and frustration go, and remember that no matter what, Luke is my friend. Always has been, always will. Maybe that’s one of the things that bothers Nathan – that if Luke had to choose, he’d choose me. Take my side. Pick his best friend over his brother.

Meredith comes flying over, launching herself into my legs. Nathan gives me an exasperated look, and I just shrug back at him as I help her up to sit beside me. “Hi sweets, you being a good girl?”

She smiles at me, all sunshine and sweetness, “I good, Mama.”

I nod knowingly at her, smiling. “Um, I’m sure you are, baby. What were you and Daddy playing?” I ask her, even though I saw full well for myself.

“Ball,” she answers, her fingers brushing through my hair. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we’re going to have a little girly girl rather than a baller, no matter how much Nathan hopes for the latter. “We play ball. Daddy silly,” she tells me, breaking into giggles.

“What kind of ball?” Luke asks her, reaching out to tickle under her chin, “You knocking him around at b-ball?”

She looks at him blankly for a second before swiveling her gaze to me. “Ignore crazy Uncle Luke, sweets. He’s weird,” I stage whisper to her, smirking at Luke, “Were you playing basketball with Daddy?”

She nods eagerly, smiling at Luke. “We play ball,” she repeats to him, like he’s stupid. He just nods, grinning at her in return.

“Should’ve known basketball would just be ‘ball’ in your house, like it’s the only kind out there,” he chuckles good-naturedly.

“It’s the only one that matters,” Nathan’s voice chimes in mildly, and I can’t keep the grin off my face when he leans down over my shoulder, pressing a kiss to my neck. “Hey, baby,” he whispers, for my ears only. Standing up, he looks down at Mere. “You being careful there, munchkin? What did we talk about with Mommy and the baby, kiddo?”

“I careful,” she frowns at him, leaning closer into my side, “I love Mama.”

He plucks her off my lap, swinging her into the air until she giggles. “I know you do, baby. But we have to be careful. Look how big that belly is,” he tells her, winking at me while I roll my eyes at him, “That thing could get into all sorts of trouble if we aren’t careful, right Merry berry?”

She giggles at him, holding her arms out for me. Nathan lowers her so that I can give her a kiss on the forehead. “I good, Daddy! I very good!”

“Yeah, yeah,” he sighs, setting her down on the ground. She sees Dan and immediately bounds off towards him. “Sometimes I think she likes him more than me.”

“Kids always like their grandparents better than their parents,” I assure him, laughing when he lifts me up to place me on his lap, “As I was saying, they like them better because they spoil them. We have to live with her, so we make boundaries. But your father doesn’t need to make boundaries with her since he gets to drop her off when she’s getting bratty.”

“Too true,” Luke grins, “Before my mom’s parents moved to Arizona, my grandmother used to spoil me like crazy. She’d stuff cookies into my backpack before Mom would pick me up. I would sit in my room all night eating cookies.”

Nathan laughs with him, and I join in, too, afraid of ruining the moment. “He was such a porker when he was a kid,” I tell Nathan, “Acted like he didn’t know where his next meal was coming from, which was weird, since Karen had the café pretty much all along.”

“Shut up,” Luke mutters, glaring at me, “You always do that.”

“Do what?” I grin back at him, snuggling back against Nathan, “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Lukie.”

“If this is what Mere and Jr. here,” Nathan starts, gesturing at the baby bump, “Are going to be like, I think we can forget that.”

Knowing that he’s trying, trying hard, I grab his hand to squeeze it hard. Every day, he just gives me more and more reasons to be so damn proud of him.

“Ha,” Luke laughs, “Well, if it gives you hope, Eric and I aren’t like that at all.”

“You’re nineteen years older than him,” I scoff, smiling inwardly as Dan nods at Mere, feigning interest in whatever story she is telling him – probably about her dog – and even interjecting the occasional question.

“He’s a sport with her,” Luke points out quietly, completely off track from the easy feeling we’d established, “Kind of makes you wonder what it could’ve been like, huh? He had it in him all along, it just took so long.”

Nathan falls silent, and I want to kick Luke for even opening his big, fat, stupid mouth. God, doesn’t he ever know when to leave things alone? I’m about to say something – or worse, do something – when Nathan responds before I can.

“I guess it’s good that he found it at some point, for someone, huh? And I’d rather it be for my kids than me anyway.”

Luke raises his eyebrows at that, but this time refrains from saying anything born of assholery. “I guess that’s a good way to look at it,” he concedes, “I still just wish – well, you know. It doesn’t matter now, water under the bridge.”

“It’s really that easy for you?” Nathan asks him, and I feel almost trapped between the two in a way, “It’s as easy as water under the bridge?”

Luke shrugs, rolling his eyes. “Come on, man. You know that nothing about it was ever easy. But I guess there is a point where it becomes better to let it go. I don’t know, it isn’t like there’s a set way to deal with childhood traumas, you know? I guess we all just do our best with what we have.”

Nathan doesn’t say anything right away, his arms tightening just slightly around me, though. “Yeah, maybe,” he agrees quietly, and the tension radiates all around us, “Maybe that’s just how it is.”

“You should come golfing with us this weekend,” Luke spits out awkwardly, and the words just hang there in the gaping distance between them, “I mean, we go every weekend, but you should definitely come with us before Haley has you tied to the house chasing babies everywhere. Plus, school, right? Yeah, definitely sooner than later.”

Throwing a grateful smile Lucas’s way, I ease off of Nathan’s lap. “I’m going to see if Brooke wants to talk,” I explain, turning to bend and hug Nathan. I can’t help but whisper in his ear, “Think about it before saying ‘no’, okay, babe?” He smiles at indulgently at me, and I don’t know if that is a sign of agreement or not, but it’s something. “Maybe I can get Mere to eat something green while I’m up, too.”

Nathan and Luke both snort at that. “Good luck with that one,” Nathan grins at me, his hand drifting over my hip, “I’m sure she’ll be very receptive to the idea.”

“Scotts aren’t known for being big on their leafy greens,” Luke concurs, and the air between them thaws further. Getting me out of the equation seems like an even better idea now.

“Oh, hush, or I’ll bring her and her plate over here to sit with her daddy and her uncle Luke,” I threaten mildly, smiling sweetly at the both of them.

“Yeah, idle threats, Haley J,” Nathan winks at me, and I just wave a hand over my shoulder at him, making a food plate before collecting Mere from her grandfather. She comes with me happily, telling me about how Dan is going to get a kitten so that she can play with it when she visits. At least that’s what I think she’s trying to tell me; whether or not that is true or just something she thinks should be true is another thing.

I just nod along with her, holding her hand as we walk towards the benches that Brooke and Lola are sitting on, her plate in my other hand.

“Hi!” Lola smiles widely as we approach. Brooke makes a funny face at Mere, eliciting a laugh, but doesn’t look at me, “Meredith, you look so pretty in your dress.”

“Except for the grass stain,” I sigh wryly, “Even before Labor Day, three year olds shouldn’t wear white, huh?”

“Well, she looks about as gorgeous as gorgeous gets,” Lola maintains, “Seriously, she is so cute that sometimes she makes my uterus hurt. What’s going to happen when you pop out another one?”

I choke out a surprised laugh at that; that’s an interesting way of putting it, but any compliments towards my baby go straight to my heart. “Well, with a daddy as handsome as Nathan, how could they be anything but super cute, right, Mere?”

Brooke snorts at that, pure disdain written all over her face. Lola glances over at her, surprised enough at Brooke’s attitude to give me a little hope. At least she isn’t badmouthing me and Nathan to anyone who will listen, I suppose. “Or maybe this baby will be sporting some of the more unfortunate side effects of drug addiction, hmm?”

I gasp at that, standing up and grabbing Mere’s plate. “Here, sweets, take your plate over to Daddy and Uncle Luke, okay? You can eat with them.” She looks at me like I’m crazy – and hey, maybe it isn’t far off – but does as she’s told. “Be careful, baby, don’t spill.”

Taking a calming breath, I keep my eyes focused on Mere as she makes her way over to her father. Lola gets up, muttering something about making sure Luke is behaving himself, and quickly follows in Mere’s tiny footsteps. Nathan gives me a questioning look, and I shake my head tersely in reply to his silent question.

Turning back around, I know that I’m probably leveling one of the nastiest looks ever to cross my face on her right now. And I don’t even care. I don’t care anymore. She’s disparaged just about everything in my life, and no matter how abandoned or neglected by me she feels, it isn’t fair. It’s not right, and it isn’t fair of her to treat me this.

“Fuck you, Brooke,” I hiss in a low voice, refusing to drag everyone into this immediately. I’m not so naïve as to think it couldn’t escalate into a good, old family fight, but right now, I want to keep this one on one. “You have no right to act this way towards me. I’ve never been anything but a good friend to you. I don’t lie to you, I’ve kept your secrets, I’ve laughed and cried and studied and danced and done everything with you! And still, you act like this to me.”

“I did all those same things for you,” she retorts coldly, not even deigning to look at me, “And that still wasn’t good enough to make me even the slightest priority in your life, so I don’t know why you’re acting so distraught over this.”

“An act? You think this is an act? That’s…I don’t even know what to say to that,” I mutter sadly, suddenly feeling drained and tired, “You’re selfish, Brooke Davis. You’re selfish and you’re ignorant and you’re pathetic.”

She finally turns her gaze on me, anger blazing in those eyes of her, the ones that have always let me read her. The ones that have been so shuttered lately that she’s seemed like a different person. “How fucking dare you call me selfish,” she spits out, angrily biting into her lower lip, “I’m not the one who turns her back on everyone and everything that supposedly mattered to her for a washed up druggie. So don’t you talk to me about selfish, Haley fucking James.”

Nodding to myself with the realization that there is nothing I can say or do here, I stand up. “Fine, that’s…fine. You can’t even give me an inch, so I won’t ask for one. I’m sorry that I can’t be an orbiting planet to your center of the universe sun in a way that satisfies you, so I’m through trying. I have more important things to worry about than catering to your whims of selfish insecurities.” I turn to leave, but can’t resist looking back at her one last time. “Don’t think that you aren’t the one missing out, Brooke. If you can’t be a decent person to Nathan, you aren’t welcome around anyone in my family any more.”

She gapes at me, jumping up to lay a hand on my shoulder. “You’re banning me from Mere’s life? Oh, that’s rich, Haley. You’re such a good mom,” she coos mockingly, “Ripping away people that are actually good for your daughter but letting her stay in constant contact with verbally abusive drug addicts! Yeah, I see how that works.”

I smile tightly at her. “Just forget it, Brooke. Forget it all. You’ve obviously forgotten the years of friendship up to this point, so just forget the rest. It didn’t take you long to sweep me under the rug, so I’m sure it won’t take you long to turn on Mere, too.”

Shaking off her hand, I walk stiffly back over to Nathan and Mere and Luke and Lola. The three of them are working hard to distract Mere, and it is only then that I realize everyone else is staring at us – obviously things got loud. Not that I didn’t expect that, but it would’ve been nice to have avoided that.

“You okay?” Nathan asks quietly when I sit down beside him. I shake my head, and he puts his arm around me, hugging me to his side. “Aw, baby, I’m sorry.”

Once I’m in his arms, the harshness of the words that flew out of both of our mouths hits me, and the impact is staggering. Shaking my head, I bury my face in his shoulder, unable to say anything about it. The only thing that keeps me from losing it altogether, other than the knowledge that everyone is most assuredly staring at me right now, is that his arms are around me.

“Should we go home?” he whispers into my hair, “We could set Mere up with a movie and then I could spend the rest of the night pampering you.”

I pull back, smiling gratefully at him. “No, that’s okay. I’m fine, this – this is a mess of my making, and I’ll just suck it up and deal with it.”

He looks at me doubtfully, but nods his agreement. “If that’s what you want, but just tell me if you need something different.”

And this is the guy that Brooke is choosing to hate and blame for everything? It doesn’t even compute that she’d be this way about him, that she’d be so willfully blind to his progress and his good points. That she couldn’t even try.

”I love you,” I whisper to him, my hand drifting up to lay on his cheek. “Thank you for being here for me.”

He shakes his head, smiling sadly. “I’m just sorry that I’m causing problems for you with your friends,” he sighs, “You know that wasn’t ever my intention.”

“God, of course I know that!” I exclaim softly, not even caring anymore that Luke and Lola can hear all of this, “She’s being a selfish bitch, and she’s angry at me and she knows the best things to say to hurt me. That’s all. It’ll blow over.”

I say that, but I don’t know that I feel it anymore. The situation blows, but there really doesn’t seem to be a good indicator here that anything is going to blow over.

~*~Early August, 2014~*~

“So I’m going golfing with Dan and Luke today,” Nathan announces abruptly, out of the complete blue, shrugging at my surprised look, “They’ve been inviting me, so I said yes.”

“Wow,” I breathe, completely taken aback. I mean, I knew that they were inviting, but I hadn’t really thought Nathan was ready to accept yet. I’m pleased, but surprised. “I think that’s good, Nathan. It doesn’t have to mean anything, but I think it’s good that you’re going.”

He grins at my attempts to play it off like it isn’t a huge thing, leaning down and forward to kiss me. He frowns lightly at the girth of my belly. “It’s not that you aren’t the most beautiful pregnant woman ever, or anything, but it will be really nice when you and I can get back to the full body contact that I know you like so much,” he winks, nipping lightly at my jaw.

“Yeah, I’m the only one who likes it,” I laugh, leaning into him. “Mmm, but it will be nice. I can sprawl out on top of you again when we sleep.”

He groans at that, tilting his head back. “Damn, I forgot about that. You’re the human furnace, Hales. I kind of don’t miss that.”

Poking him in the side, I glare at him. “Don’t lie, you know you like it,” I cajole him, “You love having me pressed against you every bit as much as I love being pressed against you.”

He holds his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay, you’re right, I do,” he agrees, grinning, “But that doesn’t make you any less of a furnace, babe.”

Laughing, I pull away. “Do you need breakfast?” I ask absently, running through the list of things I want to get done today – packing for the hospital stay is at the top of the list with my due date drawing ever closer, “Oh, hey, do you even know how to golf, Nathan?”

He laughs at the question, shaking his head. “Come on, it’s golf! How hard could it be?”

I narrow my eyes at him, scolding, “I hope you’re a good sport when you lose, honey. Golf is a lot harder than it looks.”

“Your confidence in my abilities is astounding,” he mutters, glaring half-heartedly at me. I laugh, patting him on the back. “You’re mean, Hales. Really, really mean.”

“Aw, but I still love you, even if you are going to be completely out of your element on the golf course,” I tease him, “Ooh, should I go see what you have in your closet in the way of plaid? I know you don’t have a lot, but I bet you have something. Or you know what? I think I have a fedora that looks sort of similar to those hats that golfers wear. It’s pink, but you can borrow it.”

He grins at me, shaking his head. “See, now you’re just being spiteful. To the father of your children! I don’t think that it gets too much lower than that!”

Shaking with repressed laughter, I let it out when he moves behind me to wrap his arms around me. “I hope you have fun today,” I tell him a little more seriously, “I hope it goes well.”

“Me, too,” he agrees softly, “And I promise, I’ll at least try to be on my best behavior. I can’t make any promises, because you know how it is, but I’ll try.”

“No one ever asked for more than that,” I am quick to assure him, tilting my face up towards his. “I love you. I’m proud of you.”

“I know,” he smiles, dropping a kiss to the corner of my mouth, “And I love you, too. And you know what? I’m proud of you, too. Not everyone could hold a family together the way you did, baby. If anyone ever underestimated you before, they sure as hell can’t now.”

He just makes me melt. “That’s quite possibly the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me,” I whisper, trying to keep my emotions checked, “No, scratch possibly, it is definitely the nicest and best thing you could ever say because it is the most important thing to me.”

“Even better than that photographer’s assistant who insisted Mere is the cutest kid in the world, and that she must have ‘really great genes, g-e-n-e-s, not j-e-a-n-s!’?” Nathan retorts, his warm breath fanning over my cheek.

“Yes, even better than that,” I laugh, “It’s super good!”

“That girl was a drip,” he agrees, chuckling, “But she’s right, we have a beautiful daughter.”

“Who looks just like you,” I retort, smirking a little at him, “We know where she gets the pretty.”

That elicits a groan from him, which I laugh at. “In college, they called me ‘Pretty Boy’. I don’t think I ever told you that.”

I shake my head slowly, not remembering hearing about that – but definitely interested in hearing more. “No, but do tell. And is this something I can call you from now on?”

“Ha ha,” he snarks needlessly – like I didn’t already know the answer to that one. “I guess if you really wanted to, you could, but I’d love you better if you wouldn’t.”

“Mmmhmm,” I drawl out lasciviously, “Well, you love me better than I can handle some of the time, so I don’t know if that is really incentive enough for me to cease and desist with that one.”

He laughs, his arms dropping from around me. “Baby, I’d rather stay here and flirt with you all day, but I have a tee time to make.”

Nodding, I smile sweetly at him. “Luke told you what it’s called, huh? Because I know you didn’t know what ‘tee time’ was before this,” I needle him, adding as an afterthought, “Pretty boy.”

He growls at me, shaking his head. “Evil, pure evil. If it wasn’t clear where Mere’s brattiness came from before, I think everyone knows now.”

“Oh, that wounds me,” I laugh, swatting him on the butt, “Okay, you go. I’m going to pack an overnight bag for when this one decides to come, and then try and do a few last minute errands and things. Do you need anything while I’m out? Anything for school? Oooh, maybe they’ll call you pretty boy in grad school, too.”

He shakes his finger at me as he backs out the door. “I’m gonna get you for that,” he smirks, “Don’t think I won’t.” I laugh, making a show of rolling my eyes. “I mean it, your ass is mine.”

I wave him out the door, laughing softly to myself as he goes. “It always was,” I sigh aloud, even though he can’t hear it. “It always will be.”

This is the most carefree I’ve seen him in almost two years now. Out of all the things that are going right for us now, I think this is what I savor the most. Just seeing him get back to himself, get back to the man he was before he turned to the drugs. When I tell him I’m proud of him, that’s like the lowest estimate of what I really am. Words can’t even describe how much he impresses me on a daily basis.

“Mama!” Mere yells, and I smile to myself. We’ve been indulging her a little more than usual the last couple of weeks, trying to squeeze in as much time with her as we can. There is no denying that any time in the next month, she won’t be our only focus anymore, and I think both of us feel a little badly about that.

“What’s up, buttercup?” I ask as she comes into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. “Good morning.”

“Hi Mama,” she smiles at me, holding her hands out for a lift up. I pick her up, balancing her carefully on my hip.

“Hi pretty girl,” I beam back at her, “How are you? What do you want for breakfast, sweets?”

“Cake,” she says so seriously that I have to cough to cover a laugh.

“You want cake? That’s not breakfast food, Mere. You want some cereal or a pancake?” I ask again in a way that will more likely produce an answer that works for me.

“Pancake,” she sighs, sticking her lower lip out and batting her eyelashes. When did she learn that? If she was hanging around Brooke, I could see getting it there, but she hasn’t seen her since the blow-up at the party.

“Pancakes it is,” I agree enthusiastically, “Go open the door for Sammy. She’s in the backyard.”

I set her down, and she heads for the door, calling for the dog – no, the beast, the thing is huge now – before she even gets it open. The doorbell rings, to my surprise, and after making sure she’s got the door open – the slider is a little heavy for her sometimes – I go to answer the front door.

“Deb, hi,” I squeak in surprise at who is at the door, “What – um, come in, please. Mere is in the kitchen waiting for me to make her breakfast, but Nathan is out for the morning.”

“Actually I knew that,” she says as she steps inside, looking around tentatively, “I thought it might be easier to speak with you when he wasn’t around. I can help with breakfast, if you wouldn’t mind.”

I nod, motioning her towards the kitchen. “That would be great, I’d appreciate it.”

While things have thawed between me and Deb, they’re still a little tense, and it confuses me that she’s here unannounced now. Particularly since she knew Nathan wouldn’t be here.

She greets Mere, and the two of them chat as I get Mere’s pancakes started. Mere doesn’t have the same overwhelming love for Deb that she has for her papa, but she always enjoys seeing her grandmother. It’s good for them to see each other; as Deb has jumped back into her work for several non-profit organizations, she’s been busy enough that she hasn’t had a lot of time to spend with Mere.

“She’s getting so big,” Deb sighs, as Mere sits at the table on her booster chair, drinking some juice I gave her, “And soon there will be two.”

“Yeah,” I nod, confused by her approach to all this, “There sure will be.”

“Do you think you’ll be overdue this time?” she asks, smiling at Mere as she wipes a dribble of the apple juice off her chin, “Or maybe you’ll get lucky and deliver a little early?”

“At least on time I hope,” I respond with a smile, “That would be nice, definitely.”

She nods, finally glancing up at me. “Yes, I suppose it would be. And I suppose you are wondering why, exactly, I am here, hmm?”

“It crossed my mind,” I confirm, “I’m not trying to be rude, Deb, but I am wondering.”

“Well, I did want to see Meredith,” she sighs wistfully, “I’ve been so busy lately with the new cancer center we’re trying to get opened in Baton Rouge, and then Karen and I are trying to figure out what to do with the cafés now. Well. It’s just been busy.”

The pot of coffee that I’d started has finished perking, and I add milk and sugar to it, the way I know she prefers to take her coffee. Sliding the mug across the table to her, I sit down. “Karen has been busy lately, too. Eric was complaining about that last time I saw him, and Keith looked like he didn’t disagree in the slightest.”

“It’s been hard,” she admits, sighing tiredly, “We’re just at a crossroads. If I want to devote as much time to my new old work as possible – and I do – then do I stay involved with the cafés? And they’re both so successful, do we branch out? It’s hard.”

I nod, sympathetic to their dilemma. If anything, I have learned how hard life is to balance with a career, and I don’t have anything like what Deb has in terms of the latter. “Well, I know you guys will figure it out.”

She smiles slightly. “I certainly hope so.” Taking a deep breath, she looks me in the eye. “I apologize.”

“I – okay?” I nod, unsure what to say to that, unsure what she’s expecting me to say to that. There’s something, I’m sure, but I don’t know what it is right now.

“I mean it,” she says softly, but firmly. “I have been out of line in how I’ve treated you. I suppose that there is a part of you that gets it, the parent part, but I’m sure the rest of you has been extremely frustrated with me. I’m very sorry for how much of this I laid at your feet.”

“Thank you,” I respond just as softly, but I mean it, too. “I really appreciate that, Deb.”

“I was extremely unfair to you,” she notes, “And I know that Nathan needs you, and that’s only right. It wasn’t my…place to insinuate otherwise.”

“No, it wasn’t,” I agree, “But you’re right, I can see where you were coming from. I don’t agree with it, and I don’t know that I’d do the same, but I get the motherly concern, believe me.”

She sighs, looking wistful. “It’s hard when your kids grow up and you realize you are near the bottom of their list of people they need. Or in Nathan’s case, I was never the person he needed, ever.”

“Deb,” I begin, but she shakes her head, cutting me off.

“No, it’s true,” she insists, “And that’s okay. I made my bed, Haley. I wasn’t around when he was little, I was around even less when he needed me most, and then he was gone, emancipated.”

Ah. It seems like so many lifetimes ago when we were that young, and I helped Nathan research and file for emancipation from his parents. It shouldn’t surprise me that she’s held onto a little anger over that; maybe now I can see that it is something any parent would be angry about, bitter.

“That was never to hurt you, Deb,” I tell her, “It was about Nathan, and what he needed.”

“And do you still think that was what he needed?” she challenges, but there isn’t much fight behind the words. It’s just a question now, not a prelude to an attack.

“I think that it was truly what was best for him at the time. The way you and Dan were then, that was so heavy, too heavy for any sixteen year old to bear. Hell, it was scary and intimidating to me, and I wasn’t even directly involved. It was his choice. Maybe it’s easier to think that I made him do it, or at least that I pushed until he was in a corner with no other choice, but it was what he wanted.”

She nods. “I do understand that, Haley. It isn’t easy to accept, to know that your son would rather try and make it on his own at such a young age than to stay in your home!”

What am I supposed to say to that? “I’m sorry, Deb. Maybe this is something that you should talk with Nathan about.”

That elicits a snort of disbelief. “Well, now, I think we both know how well that would turn out,” she smirks, “Please don’t insult either of our intelligence by going there again.”

“But there is nothing I can say to you that will help you in any way, Deb. I was just…there. It was Nathan’s life and choices; he’s the one you have to ask these things of, and you know it as well as I do.”

“Mama, I done now,” Mere interrupts, having lost interest in the pancakes she’d been munching on, “Down!”

I shake my head as I get up from the table. “No way, not with those sticky hands and that messy face,” I deny her, “You wait until I clean you up.”

She lets out a long-suffering sigh, but remains seated. The waiting is not patient, but at least it is waiting. What more can a mother ask for?

“Thank you,” I tell her once she’s cleaned up, “You’re a good girl, sweets. Go upstairs and pick up your toys, and then we’re going to go out and run some errands, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Deb sighs, “I’m keeping you.”

“Oh, she’ll be another half hour,” I laugh, “She’ll get sidetracked by a toy, or the dog will wonder in. She’ll put away a few things, which is good, but then she’ll find some tangent to go off on. Never fails.”

She laughs at that. “I bet it drives Nathan crazy. Patience has never been his strongest virtue.”

I shrug at that, not disagreeing. “He gets better all the time. I think Mere has been really good for him in that regard. For both of us, really.”

“You’ve always had more patience than Nathan,” she contradicts, “But then again, is that saying much?”

I laugh with her, shaking my head. “You see how he is with her. It’s been like that since day one. He’s just a good father.”

“I would never say otherwise,” she assures me softly, “And I’m very proud of him. I am. I know how hard he has worked to become a good father, and then rebuild what he’d torn down.” She stands up, pushing her cup of coffee towards the center of the table. “I should really get going. Thank you for your hospitality, Haley.”

“You’re welcome,” I smile, a little disconcerted by this whole visit. It’s just odd. Deb is odd, I guess. It isn’t that I don’t think she’s trying, or sincere, but it’s still odd.

“Give Meredith a kiss for me, please, and tell Nathan hello.” I agree, and walk her to the door. It was just such a weird visit, and I don’t entirely know what to make of it. Why she can’t just call Nathan, for example, is weird. I’m not the Nathan interpreter. If she wants to talk to him, I don’t think it gets any easier than picking her phone up.

Glancing at the clock, I sigh, moving to the bottom of the stairs in the front hall. “Mere bear, come on, sweets! We need to go to the store!” I sit down on the bottom step, tired. My back is aching, and I’m just tired – going out into the midday heat is not something I relish.

“Mere, come on!” I yell up there again, pushing to my feet. Just as I’m standing, my water breaks. “Fuck,” I mutter aloud to myself, which is getting to be something of a bad habit, “Fuck, fuck, fuck. My bag isn’t even packed yet.”

She comes hurtling down the stairs, dressed cute as can be in a little halter top – she has managed to cram her head through an armhole, but it’s still cute – and a little pair of shorts. “I ready, Mama!”

“Change of plans, sweets,” I tell her, sitting back down on the stairs. “We have to call Daddy and then go have the baby!”

“The baby?” she asks, peering at my belly, “Have baby?”

“Yup, we’re going to have our baby now,” I smile at her, brushing a kiss against the top of her head, “Isn’t that good?”

She shrugs, sitting down beside me. Sighing, I get up to grab my purse and retrieve my phone. “Yeah, it’s good,” I tell her as I call Nathan, drumming my fingers on my leg impatiently as I wait for him to pick up his phone. “Oh, he better answer,” I mutter to Mere, smiling at her when she looks at me questioningly, “Your daddy is going to be in so much trouble. Yes, he is, if he doesn’t answer this phone, I’m going to kick his ass to Timbuktu and back, yes, I will.”

“Kick ass!” she repeats, and I groan, trying to ignore it. If I ignore it, she won’t say it again. Oh, damn me and my big mouth. “Kick Daddy’s ass!” she squeals, amused enough to laugh hysterically at the words, even though have no meaning to her.

“Yeah, that’s about the sum of it,” I agree with her, reaching out to tickle her stomach. “Maybe I can hang out here for awhile. Maybe we can watch a movie. Yeah, it could be awhile before the contractions are close enough together. Want to watch a movie with Mama?” I ask her, grinning back when she beams up at me, immediately calling for Ariel or Belle. Oh, Disney, where would I be without you?

We go upstairs – I want to change, and it seems like our big bed would be the most comfortable place in the house right now. I get her situated on the bed and put the movie in for her. She’s an old pro working the remote now, in a second she’s skipped to the menu and is starting the movie for herself. I clean up and change, and then climb onto the bed with her.

She snuggles against me, and it doesn’t take long into the movie before the contractions start. Damn. Where is Nathan? Why isn’t he calling me back? I guess we could drive to the golf course – no, he didn’t tell me where they were going.

“I’m going to go in the hall and try calling Daddy again,” I tell Mere as I climb out of the bed, “I’ll be right back, baby.”

There is still no answer on his phone, so I try Luke and then Dan. No answers. Is this a fucking movie theater? Do they really need to turn their phones off? I leave messages on all three of their phones, and just hope like hell that one of them will be checking their messages soon.

When the contractions are four minutes apart, I start freaking a tiny bit. I call Karen to see if she knows which course they are at, so I can hunt Nathan down. She’s not at the café, and she’s also not answering her phones. Deb wouldn’t know, plus she’s at the airport waiting for a plane, which she confirms when I call her, so my last hope is Tim. But since this is the bad day to end all days, Brooke is the one who answers the phone.

“Brooke, I need to talk to Tim,” I breathe, a tiny bit of panic starting to color my voice, “Please get him quick.”

There’s a small pause as she takes a deep breath, and I know she’s considering hanging up or telling me to fuck off or whatever. “He’s not here,” she grudgingly bites out, “Try his cell. You know, what people usually call when they’re not welcome to call the home phone line. Like mistresses and bitchy, stupid friends.”

“You know what, Brooke? I don’t have time for your shit right now; I’m in labor, and I can’t find Nathan. And if you don’t know where Luke and Dan golf, then you’re useless to me right now.”

She lets out a peal of bitter laughter. “Oh, gee, super husband and dad can’t even bother to be reachable when he knows you’re in the third trimester. I can just see why you’re so high on him, Haley.”

There are a million things I could say, ways I could justify it. I don’t even bother, though; I just hang up and try Tim’s cell. Of course, he doesn’t answer, either, because I have the worst luck ever or really bad Karma leftover from some past life atrocity. One or the other.

I sit down in the hall, sliding down the wall until I hit the carpeted floor. “Damn it,” I mutter to myself. Not only do I want Nathan with me, but if he misses this, I can’t even imagine what it would do to his psyche. I don’t even want to consider it, really. “Okay,” I sigh, gritting my teeth and squeezing my eyes shut when another contraction overtakes me, “Okay, we’ll go find him.”

Getting up off of the floor, I go into the bedroom to get Mere. “Okay, baby, Mama needs to go find Daddy now. Can you help me?”

She nods, sitting up. “Where Daddy?”

“Well, I don’t know, that’s why we have to go look for him, okay?”

“Okay,” she agrees, glancing back at the TV. I flip it off, and she immediately wails at me. “Mommy! I watch!”

“I know, sweets, but we have to go now, okay? Go put your shoes on.” Grudgingly she goes, and I throw a few things into an overnight bag. Once that is done, I call my doctor’s office to let them know that I’m going in, and should be at the hospital in an hour or so. “Oh, good girl,” I beam at my daughter when she comes back in, shoes on and jacket in hand. It’s warm enough that she won’t need the jacket, but it’s still cute that she grabbed it, “That is my sweet girl.”

We walk downstairs together, hand in hand, and I buckle her into her car seat, setting my bag at her feet. I try Nathan’s cell a dozen more times, hoping in vain that maybe he left it in the car, and will hear it if he’s there now. “Come on, Nathan,” I mutter to myself, trying to stay calm.

We don’t even get two blocks before I have to pull over due to a contraction. I can’t drive around like this, I just can’t. And there’s no one to call – Deb is on her plane by now, so she won’t be able to help me. No one else is answering, except for Brooke. And now it comes down to this: Brooke or an ambulance. Shit. Shit, shit, double shit. Neither seem that great right now, but at least if I call Brooke, Mere won’t have to ride in the ambulance with me.

Reluctantly, I dial the number, holding my breath to see if she’ll actually pick up. “Hello?” Oh, hell, she answered. Now I don’t know if I’m relieved or pissed.

“I need a ride,” I sigh, biting my lip as another contraction comes on, “I just shouldn’t drive when I’m having contractions, and I don’t want to make Mere ride in the ambulance with me.”

She laughs, but it is hollow and dull sounding. “And I’m your last resort,” she surmises, not incorrectly, “I should leave you to take care of this yourself. Your mess, you find a solution, right?”

“If you’re going to say ‘no’, just say it so I can find someone else,” I bite out tersely, “I can’t wait around all day while you make your little comments, Brooke.”

“Oh, no, I wouldn’t miss this for the world,” she smarms into the phone, “What kind of friend would I be? Oh, the kind you can probably relate to best.”

“You know what? Just forget it,” I snap, “I’d rather subject Mere to an ambulance ride than get anything from you!”

I pull the phone away from my ear and am about to snap it shut when I hear her saying something. I can see in the rearview mirror that Mere is staring at me like I’m crazy.

“What are you going to do with Mere while you’re in labor?”

“What do you care?” I ask tiredly, rubbing a hand over my face as I try to smile for Mere, “Because I don’t really get the impression that much outside of yourself matters to you these days.”

“Jesus, where are you?” she snaps out, just as another contraction hits. In my moment of weakness, I tell her, and she hangs up, presumably on her way.

“Oh, baby,” I sigh, twisting to look at Mere, “I need your daddy right now. Or Karen, I could really use Karen, too.”

“I go out, Mama,” she says, holding her arms out for me, “I play?”

Sighing, I shake my head. “No, sweets. We have to wait here for a little while,” I tell her over the din of the A/C, “And then we’re going to the hospital to have the baby.”

She thinks it over for a moment. “And Daddy?”

I smile at her, reaching back at her to shake her foot. “Yeah, Daddy will be there, too. It’s all going to be okay.”

“Okay,” she nods, smiling at me.

I try his phone again, almost bursting into tears when there is again no answer. His voicemail picks up, and I leave him what must be the tenth message. “Nathan, please, answer your phone. Call me back. Whatever. Brooke is coming to pick us up and take us to the hospital, and I really can’t deal with her right now, not like this. And I don’t want Mere with her, and I want you with me and Dan or Luke to take Mere. I’m sorry, I know I’m a mess, but I just want you here. Please call, please.”

The second the phone snaps shut, guilt kicks in. That message is just going to make him feel bad for not being here and because I’m so obviously upset. If these damn contractions weren’t so freaking close together, maybe I’d be a little less emotional right now.

A horn beeps, and glancing back, I see that Brooke is here. Sighing, I turn the car off, and get out, not even bothering to look at her. I hear her car door slam, and I know she’s probably coming this way, but I continue to ignore her.

“Let me take Meredith,” she says as she approaches. I ignore her, continuing to unhook Mere from her seat. “Haley, Jesus! Let me take her! This isn’t really a time when you need to be lugging around a kid!”

“I can manage my daughter on my own, thank you,” I tell her over my shoulder, keeping my voice as level as possible, “I don’t need your help or input on my carrying techniques. We’ll be there in a minute.”

“Whatever,” she exclaims, throwing her hands in the air, “I don’t need this shit.”

When she’s gone, I lean down, touching my forehead to Mere’s as another contraction hits. “It’s okay, baby,” I whisper, not sure if I’m talking to her, myself, or the unborn one, “We don’t need her anyway.”

“Mama,” Mere smiles, wrapping her arms around my neck. I’ve got her all unbuckled, so I lift her out, setting her on her feet. The street is quiet, so she can walk herself, holding my hand. Under my other arm, as I refuse to ask Brooke for anything else, I drag my bag and her car seat. “Go Brooke?”

“Yeah, we’re going in Brooke’s car, kiddo,” I agree, smiling down at her as we shuffle our way to the car. We get in the backseat together after I set up her car seat, and then we settle in.

“So Mr. Perfect can’t even answer a phone now,” Brooke notes snarkily, “I’d say I was surprised, but that would be a total lie.”

I scoff at that. “And what? The only person you like to lie to is yourself? Okay, I think I can buy that.”

“You know, if you were a better mother – “

I shut down at that. “Stop, don’t talk. Just don’t say anything. If this doesn’t work, we’ll get out and take a cab. Just don’t say another word because there are some things that I will never, ever let go of or forget.”

She clamps her mouth shut and continues driving. Mere is clutching my arm, and I know she’s picking up on the tension, but I don’t know what else I can do about it. My phone starts ringing, and I practically juggle it trying to get it out of my purse. “Oh, thank God,” I breathe upon seeing ‘Nathan’ on the display window. “Baby,” I cry into the phone, leaning down to brush foreheads with Mere again.

“Haley, where are you, baby? Are you okay?”

“Nathan, I’m on my way to the hospital. Mere’s with me, and we’re with Brooke. Please meet us there, please.”

“Of course, of course, I’m running towards my car right now,” he tells me, and now that I’m listening for it, it definitely sounds like he’s running, “I’ll be there in five minutes, baby. Five. What are you doing with Brooke?”

“Didn’t you listen to your messages?” I sniffle, trying to compose myself. This isn’t a big deal, it really isn’t. I can be calm, mature. I’ve done this before, after all. “I couldn’t reach anyone else. Are your father and brother coming? We need someone to take Mere, she can’t be in there for this.”

“I only listened to the first, one, Haley. I know that we need someone to take Mere, and yes, they are. I figured she could spend the night with Luke. Dan has a date tonight, which is weird and kind of gross, but Luke is free. Plus, he said Lola cleaned the place yesterday, so it might not be the toxic dump it usually is.”

“Okay, okay,” I nod, taking a deep breath, kissing Mere on the cheek, “That’s good. Give him a kiss for me.”

Nathan laughs at that, and the sound has this instantaneous soothing effect on me, and I feel a million times better. “Oh, baby, our reunion hasn’t progressed quite that far yet. Maybe next week.”

“I love you,” I blurt out, “I just…I really love you.”

“Haley J, I know that. There aren’t a lot of things that I can say with any certainty that I know, but that? Is one of them.”

I nod, even though he can’t see me and that’s the stupidest thing ever. “I’m glad you checked your phone. I might kick your ass later for not having it with you, though. And Dan and Luke, too.”

He chuckles at that. “Okay, baby, you can do whatever you need to. How are you feeling, how far apart are they?”

“I’m okay, now that I have you on the phone,” I sigh, leaning back against the headrest, “And they’re getting pretty close. God, your mom stopped by this morning, and was asking if I thought I’d have a quick labor. I guess we know the answer to that now. But they’re probably about three minutes apart now.”

He exhales slowly, the breath whistling out between his teeth. “Three? That’s really close, Haley.”

“I know. They might even be closer now,” I agree with a little laugh, “That’s why I’m so glad you’re on your way. I don’t think this is going to take too long.”

“Mama, I talk!” Mere demands, tugging on my arm, “I talk Daddy!”

“Your daughter wants to talk to you,” I say softly into the phone, “She’s going to rip my arm off if I don’t give her the phone.”

“Okay, yeah, let me talk to her, but don’t hang up. I want to talk to you until I see you, okay?” he asks, and I know he wants the promise.

“Of course,” I agree immediately, “Until I see your beautiful face, I am not letting you off the phone.”

“That’s my girl.”

I hold the phone to Mere’s ear, and she starts babbling right away. “Hi Daddy! We have baby now! Mama make me leave before Ariel was done singing!”

His response makes her laugh, and I can tell he’s trying to get her excited about the baby. Before she pushes the phone away, telling me that he wants to talk to me again, she tells him that ‘baby is yay’. Progress on that front! I catch Brooke’s gaze in the rearview, and she looks like she wants to say something, but for once, she holds her tongue.

“Hey,” I say softly when I have the phone back. Glancing out the window, I see that we’re here. “We just got to the hospital. And I’m having another contraction.”

“I’m a block away,” he tells me, “I’m almost there. How strong are they?”

“Strong,” I grit out through my clenched teeth, “But not too bad. I think they’re starting to get closer.” The car has stopped, and I start getting Mere out of her seat. Brooke gets out of the car, disappearing inside the hospital. To my surprise, she comes back out with an orderly and a wheelchair just as I’m climbing out of the car. Just as another contraction is hitting.

“You okay?” Nathan asks, “What’s going on?”

“Just getting out of the car, into a wheelchair. The Queen Bitch actually thought to get one for me,” I snit, not ready to stop being angry yet, “It’s like fricking Christmas.”

“Hey, be nice,” he murmurs, “Maybe she’s trying.”

Brooke, for her part, rolls her eyes at me. “You know, a simple ‘thank you’ would be appreciated. Or is it too taxing for you to do anything but think of Nathan, Nathan, Nathan.”

I look up at the orderly. “I want to wait for my husband to get here.”

“He’s not even her husband,” Brooke chimes in, “She just likes to call him that because it makes her feel slightly better about her situation.”

Mere inches closer to my side, laying her hand on top of mine. “Mama?”

“It’s okay, baby,” I promise, the phone still against my ear even though he’s not talking, “Daddy’s gonna be here soon, and Papa and Uncle Luke.”

“They have babies, too?” she asks, her eyes widening in curiosity.

“No, sweets, just me,” I laugh, smiling wider when Nathan’s laughter echoes in my ear, “Only one baby today. Don’t you think that’s enough?”

She crinkles her nose at me, holding up one finger. “One. Two bad.”

Brooke reaches down, and lifts her up. “Why don’t I just take her home?” she suggests, ignoring when Mere whines for me, “She doesn’t need to be at a hospital again. She’s probably already scarred for life by Nathan’s visits due to drug-induced stupors.”

“You’re a bitch, Brooke,” I mutter tiredly, my hands tightening on the armrests of the wheelchair as another contraction hits, “She’ll stay with me and Nathan until our family gets here.”

The words hit home, and she slowly bends to let Mere down. “Once upon a time, I was a part of your family,” she whispers.

“That was before you started trashing all over Nathan,” I tell her, the heat gone out of me. This fight is too much effort, and when I see Nathan’s car pull up, I relax further. “There’s just…there’s no point right now. I don’t want to fight with you, and that means you can’t be here. Just go.”

She blinks at me, tears in her eyes. She shuffles her feet a little, her gaze shifting from me to Mere, who has once again pressed herself into my side. “That’s really what you want? Me to leave now? When you’re about to give birth? Haley!”

“What, Brooke? What does it get me if you stay here? You’ll just glare at Nathan or say horrible things to or about him, and then I’ll get angrier than I already am. And I’m so sick of being angry with you, or frustrated because you refuse to understand what his place in my life is! It’s just too hard. You’re my best friend, it should be easy.”

“And whose fault is it that it isn’t, huh?” she attacks back, glaring at me when I let my gaze focus in on Nathan approaching from behind her, “You – I don’t even think you care about anyone outside of him anymore. God, it’s like I don’t know you. Like you’re some other person altogether.”

“Who is it that you think I am? Obviously someone that you don’t like very much, I get that. But what has changed so much, hmm? So much that you can’t even – even…oh, damn,” I grunt, “Nathan, I’m so glad you’re here.”

He kneels down beside the wheelchair, scooping Mere up to sit on his knee as he leans into me, letting me rest my face in the crook of his neck. “Hey, Haley J, you’re doing so good, baby. Why don’t we take this show inside, huh? If you wanted to make the news, you’d have to pick somewhere better than the hospital parking lot.”

I nod gratefully, and he gives the orderly the signal to take me inside. I’m so relieved that he’s here now, that I don’t notice right away that he stays behind, talking to Brooke. He’s by my side again almost before I notice, though, with Mere in his arms, and when he smiles at me, I forget to ask.

There are more important things to think of today.

Chapter Twenty – The Waiting

‘Oh baby don’t it feel like heaven right now

Don’t it feel like something from a dream

Yeah, I’ve never known nothing quite like this’ – T. Petty

~*~August 14, 2014~*~

“Meredith Ryan Scott, you better get out of that closet right now, and come here,” Nathan shouts in the general direction of Mere’s room. The baby is sleeping downstairs, far away from our racket, and both Nathan and I have a monitor hooked to our clothes. He turns to me, rolling his eyes. “She’s driving me crazy, the stubborn little thing!”

“I know,” I smile sympathetically, “She’s just testing us right now. I think. I don’t know. She’s jealous of the baby, and she’ll get over that.”

He nods, moving to wrap his arms around me. “I just don’t want us to be late today. I know this is important to you. How are you holding up, anyway?”

I shrug, not sure what he wants me to say. No, that’s not fair: I’m not sure what I want to say about it. This whole thing is still such a mess. Today two of my best friends are marrying, and only one is speaking to me. So instead of being the maid of honor, I’ll be out in the audience with the rest of the people not quite important enough to stand up with them.

“Haley,” Nathan sighs, and I know that he might just be more upset about this than I am, “What can I do? If there is something I can do to help, I’ll do it. You know I will.”

It’s true, I do know that. There’s not a doubt in my mind that if he could fix this mess with Brooke for me, he’d do it in a heartbeat. But the fact of the matter is that it is not his mess to fix. This is my deal, my predicament, and me and Brooke are the ones responsible for fixing it. And if we can’t, then maybe it was never worth having in the first place.

Not that I believe that at all. I know what Brooke is to me, and I know what she has been over the years. I haven’t forgotten, contrary to what Tim says she keeps complaining to him. I couldn’t ever forget what a wonderful friend she turned out to be at a time when I probably needed friends more than I ever had before.

Unfortunately, the good just doesn’t erase the bad, the awful. The really, truly awful. Some of the things she said have been so hurtful, and intentionally so, that I don’t even know how I’ll ever not hear them when I see her. Maybe I can forgive her opinion on Nathan; at least I can excuse part of it as fierce loyalty and protection towards me. But I just don’t think I’ll ever forgive her calling me a bad mother. I just…can’t.

“I’ll be okay,” I finally say, pulling slowly out of his embrace, “I will. This isn’t happening at all how I figured it would, but that’s kind of how life goes. Sometimes things suck.”

He sighs, sitting down on the bed. “This shouldn’t be one of them, though. This is your friend, and you should be on good terms with her on a day like this. I’m really sorry, baby.”

“Please don’t apologize for this,” I tell him, moving to stand between his legs, “None of this is on you. It’s all me and Brooke. We’ve both acted like children, and exacerbated this situation into something it never should’ve become.”

He grins, his coming up to rest lightly on my hips. “You know, you shouldn’t blame yourself, either. She’s been pretty awful to you. How much are you supposed to take?”

I shrug, bending down until I can touch his forehead with mine. “I love you, Nathan Scott. Thank you for being on my side.”

“There is no other side,” he grins loyally, his hand swatting playfully at my butt, “Come on, let’s get you dressed. As much as I like you in this little robe, I don’t like the idea of other people liking you in this robe.”

“Oh, ha,” I groan, “Nathan, I had a baby two weeks ago. I seriously doubt that anyone wants to see me in a robe.”

He winks at me, one hand leaving my hip to grasp my chin, tilting my face down towards his. “The only thing that would be better would be you out of the robe.”

“Very nice,” I laugh, pulling away, “Okay, I really do need to get dressed. And then I need to get Mere dressed. Which will probably be the tougher battle, huh?”

“Probably?” he retorts, smirking at me, “You worry about yourself, and I’ll take care of the kids. Let’s face, with all my natural beauty, I’ll be the fastest to get ready of all of us.”

I smack him on the arm as he stands up. “Whatever you say, Pretty Boy.”

His mouth drops open before tightening into a glare. “That was a low blow, Haley James. I can’t believe you went there.”

“Yes, you can,” I correct him, laughing, “Okay, go get our kids beautiful. I’ll be ready pretty quick, okay?”

“Take all the time you need, babe. I’ve got the kids, who are already beautiful, by the way, and we’ll be ready to go whenever you are.” He winks at me again. “And yes, I know you love me.”

“Do I say that too much or something?” I wonder at his teasing.

“I don’t know,” he shrugs, “But I know that I couldn’t possibly ever hear it too many times. So you just tell me whenever you feel like it. I love you, and I love hearing that it is reciprocated.”

“Always,” I promise.

“And forever,” he finishes.

Groaning, I roll my eyes. “You are such a cheeseball.”

He shrugs, not disagreeing with me. “But you love me anyway, so it doesn’t really matter, huh?”

“Oh, to be so full of myself,” I tease him, shoving him lightly towards the door. As I do, tiny cries ring out through our baby monitors and Mere starts calling for me to come help her. I smile wryly at Nathan, shrugging. “Which one do you want?”

He presses a kiss to my forehead. “I told you, I’ll take both right now. Let me be the mean parent that makes Mere get dressed and stop playing with that dollhouse Dad bought for her.”

Huh, he called him ‘Dad’. That’s the first time in quite awhile that he hasn’t called him Dan, and I don’t think he even realizes the slip. I guess that’s the best indicator of improvement, though. It’s one thing when he tells me that things are ‘okay’, which is better than the not suitable for children words he might’ve used in the past, but this is actually meaningful. This actually matters.

I tip my face up, catching his lips with my own. “Okay, Daddy, go whip those kids into shape,” I encourage him, moving towards the closet. He leaves, and I sigh as I glance over my dress choices. At least I don’t have to squeeze into something tight and borderline provocative just to stand up in front of everyone today. I guess that is the one upside of being on your best friend’s shit list. No tacky or uncomfortable bridesmaid dress.

That is an unfortunately cold comfort, though, and it only takes a few seconds before my emotions get the best of me and I’m sitting on the floor in front of the closet sobbing. I want my friend back, damn it. I still don’t even understand what I did to lose her friendship, but I want it back. Why does it have to be so hard? Aren’t things like this supposed to get easier when we grow up? Shouldn’t the petty dramas of adolescence cease and desist at some point in time?

It just isn’t fair, I can’t help but think. It’s easy to play it off for Nathan, and it isn’t even that hard to minimize to myself a lot of the time. But right now, alone here like this, knowing that I’m going to be watching and not participating, that just breaks my heart. She hasn’t even seen the baby yet. It’s been two weeks, and she hasn’t even hinted that she might want to come see any of us. I don’t even know what to think about that now.

I can hear Nathan telling Mere rather firmly that she will get up, and she will put her dress on from down the hall. Taking that as my cue, I dry my eyes and get up, selecting a dress. I don’t take very long to get ready – it’s easier to shrug this off a little bit when I’m with Nathan and the kids. With them, there is a one hundred percent guarantee of happiness.

By the time I emerge from the room, Nathan has a fully, and appropriately, dressed Mere by the hand and the baby in his arms. I smile at the picture the three of them make, all decked out in their wedding wear. “Look at you guys,” I gush, grinning at Mere as I lift her up to sit on my hip, “You look so pretty, sweets!”

“Mama pretty,” she giggles, wrapping her arms around my neck, turning to glare when the baby starts crying, “Shhh!”

“Mere bear,” Nathan sighs, “Be nice. Remember when we talked about babies? How, since they can’t talk, they have to cry when they need something?”

She frowns, not liking that answer. “Bad baby.”

Nathan rolls his eyes at me, shaking his head. “Mere, the baby isn’t being bad, kiddo. Babies cry. You used to cry all the time,” he tells her, tapping her on the nose.

She glares at him, wrapping her arms tighter around my neck. She puffs out a little breath and looks away from him, ignoring when he reaches out and tickles under her chin.

“Guess I got told,” Nathan whispers in my ear, kissing me softly on the skin of my neck below it.

“Guess so,” I agree, setting Mere down on the ground, “Well, we should probably get going, huh? It’d just be such a shame to miss this.”

“Haley,” Nathan sighs, giving me a slightly impatient look, “I know this isn’t – “

“You’re right,” I cut him off by agreeing, “I’ll just stop.” I’m abrupt, and he doesn’t deserve that, but I can’t help it. Well, this thing is weighing on me so much that I don’t choose to help it right now. I could, just don’t want to. That’s about the sum of it.

“Don’t get snippy,” he states mildly, his hand coming up to rest on my lower back as he guides us towards the stairs, “You’re not mad at me.”

Sighing, I nod. He’s completely right, of course. I’m being a bitch because I’m upset with Brooke, circumstance, myself, and George W. Bush. Okay, that last one is just residual upset, but still.

“Sorry,” I whisper, feeling about as bad as I could for snapping at him, “I’m really sorry, Nathan.”

He nods, smiling at me. “Come on, let’s get going. This is going to be a long evening for all of us, I’m thinking.”

I snort in agreement at that. “Yeah, well, long, torturous, whatever.”

“Maybe it will be better than you think,” he suggests, optimism coloring his tone, “Maybe she’ll be waiting for you with some sweeping gesture of apology.”

“And maybe today is the day that Tom Cruise will finally come out of the closet!” I mock his optimism. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, but it is definite that I can’t believe it right now.

“Okay, now you’re just being ridiculous,” he retorts, “Any man that would be on his sixth marriage isn’t necessarily gay. Jeez.”

I poke him in the ribs, digging this lighthearted side of him. It feels like so long since I’ve seen it, really seen him in this completely relaxed and carefree manner. “You’re pretty when you’re relaxed,” I wink, smiling at Mere when she looks up at us questioningly. “Isn’t Daddy pretty?”

She looks up at him, her hand coming up to rest on her hip as she gives him her regard. “Yes,” she finally nods, “Pretty Daddy.” She looks to me for approval, and I nod, biting the inside of my cheek to stop the laughter that is trying to bubble up. “Daddy’s a pretty, pretty princess!”

I crack up at that, trying to stifle my laughter when I see Nathan’s face. “Okay, you two are not funny,” he tells me and Mere, who is laughing, too, although I’m not sure she quite gets it. “Mere, you’re going to be mean and pick on me, too?”

“Yes, she is,” I smirk, taking the baby from his arms, “Ugh, this one is going to need to be fed soon. Maybe I should just do that now?”

“I don’t know,” he grins mischievously, “I’m sure Brooke would really appreciate you whipping it out right there in the middle of her ceremony. She’d probably be really laidback about that kind of thing.”

I groan, wincing at the thought of Brooke’s reaction to that. It’s not like I think she’d hate on breastfeeding in general, but no, she wouldn’t appreciate it occurring at her wedding. That goes without saying, I should imagine.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes, I should do it now’,” I answer dryly, “It’s a good thing we’re ready a little early, hmm?”

“Looks that way,” he agrees, swinging Mere up into the air, “Maybe we’ll go get a quick, colorless, clean snack while you two take care of that business. Unless you need me. I could always help with the removal of any clothing that needs to be out of the way.”

“Don’t be a perv,” I laugh at him, shooing them towards the kitchen, “I think we can manage just fine on our own, thank you.”

He winks at me as he carries Mere into the kitchen. “Okay, little one, it is just you and me,” I tell the infant in my arms, brushing my fingers against the soft skin of his cheek. “My beautiful boy.”

He is so gorgeous, this new addition to our family. His hair is lighter than Nathan and Mere’s, but darker than mine. His cheeks aren’t as round as Mere’s were when she was born, but he’s got those heartbreaking cheekbones of his father. He has the same full, pouty lips that I have, but his eyes are the same stunning blue as Nathan and Mere’s. He’s just a perfect little blend of all of us, and I love him even more for it.

It’s been nice, this time. It was nice after Mere was born, too, the getting to know them part of it. But that was harder – Nathan was in Seattle without us, and I was trying to get us moved to join him. This time everything is settled, and we’re all more relaxed and it is easier to just enjoy all of it.

Mere is pretty iffy about him, which we’d kind of expected. Hoped otherwise, but are definitely not surprised by it. It’s probably easier that this is a boy, at least from her perspective. She already feels the need to compete with him for our attentions, and I can only imagine a girl might’ve made that urge stronger. She’s doing okay, though. She likes to watch him sleep, but she doesn’t understand why he won’t play with her.

Nathan is so in love with him that it hurts. We’ve both put so much validation and redemption in this baby, in this little boy of ours, that it is probably not healthy, but he’s given us so much. Hope, love, everything. And that’s not to place too much importance on him, but in some ways, I really think becoming pregnant with him was the impetus Nathan needed to fight for his family and not push us away.

“Oh, gorgeous,” I smile down at him as his eyes drift open, the bright blue orbs studying me curiously, “You have no idea how loved you are.”

We finish up, and I clean off his face and put myself back together. “We should go find your daddy and sister now,” I tell him softly, pressing a kiss to his brow, “And then we get to take you to your first party. I bet it won’t be the last, huh? Well, it can’t be, because Mommy and Daddy still have to have one of these parties of our own. That’s important, huh? We need to get married already. Maybe instead of waiting for him to ask me, I should just ask him, right? This isn’t 1950, and the man doesn’t have to be the one to ask. You remember that, handsome.”

He gurgles a little, his little fists waving in the air. “You like that idea?” I ask him, smiling softly, “Me, too.”

Nathan’s head peeks around the corner. “You two ready?”

“Sure,” I nod, smiling widely at him, “We have full bellies and everything. Well, he does, at least.”

“Well, let’s go then,” he says, “We’ll be cutting it close now. Still, better to have taken care of that here than where Brooke can go all crazy eyes, right?”

“Much,” I agree, laughing a little.

We pile into Nathan’s truck, and Mere talks our ears off on the way to the park where the wedding is being held. The place is gorgeous, of course. Having the wedding at twilight was just perfect. There are twinkle lights and lanterns strung about, sweeping drapes of white fabric falling artfully from the trees. It’s like a study of white on white, with the lilies and roses and peonies and gladiolas all in slight variations on the hue. It is truly one of the most beautiful and romantic places I’ve ever been.

“It’s beautiful,” I breathe, “It isn’t what I would’ve pictured from Brooke and Tim, but it is so lovely.”

Mere is awed by the place, her gaze fluttering from lantern to flower arrangement to candelabra. Even Nathan looks impressed, and this kind of thing isn’t really in his realm of interest. “It is nice,” he agrees, “Must’ve cost a fortune and a half. Didn’t know they were pulling in that kind of cash.”

I shrug. “She probably had her parents pay,” I offer, “Or more likely, they insisted on blank checks so they wouldn’t have to be involved in any other way.”

“Ah, the wonder of Tree Hill parents. Will it never cease?”

I look at him out of the corner of my eye, trying to gauge if he’s serious about that. This is the second time someone has said something like that to me in a month. First Tim with the Tree Hill/Twilight Zone comparison, and now this. Is there some truth behind it?

“What’s wrong?” Nathan asks, eyeing me while trying to keep Mere still.

“Nothing,” I smile, grabbing his hand with my free one. I have the baby in my arms, asleep against my shoulder. “How could anything be wrong when I have this?” I ask, honestly meaning that. And while there are smaller issues, this family is everything to me, and if they’re alright, I am, too.

“That’s a little cheesy,” he groans, “But I’ll take it.”

We make our way over to where the (white, natch) chairs are set up in rows. Karen and Keith are there, with Eric sitting between them. Keith is shaking his finger at their younger son, probably scolding him preemptively against any kind of potential mischief. Mere’s face lights up when she sees them, and she wriggles away from Nathan to run over and fling herself against Keith’s legs.

“Well, hello there, Miss Mere,” he grins when he sees what has hit him, “How’s my favorite little girl tonight?”

She gives him a hug, and then crawls over Eric to get to Karen. Sighing when she flashes everyone in the vicinity, I shoot a wry look Nathan’s way. “That’s your dignified daughter over there,” I tell him, shaking my head, “Oh, that is so your daughter, Nathan.”

“Nah,” he denies, “I call the sleeper here. He’s way more my speed. We can get along great.” He pauses at that, looking up at me before quietly adding, “I hope, anyway.”

Giving him a pointed look that dispels, temporarily, talk of that nature, I move past him to greet our family. “Hi everyone,” I smile brightly, grinning when Keith immediately reaches up to take the baby from me, “How are you?”

“We’re good,” Karen smiles, kissing Mere on the forehead before reaching out for the baby. Mere looks put out by that, but doesn’t say or do anything embarrassing. That’s a good start. “Oh, look at him. He is all kinds of adorable, you two!” she gushes, her finger tracing over the bridge of his nose, “He was cute when we saw him last week and the day he was born, but I swear, he’s gotten even more handsome since.”

“Funny,” Keith remarks with a sly grin, “She never, ever says that about me.”

“That’s because we made a pact to teach Eric to be an upstanding moral citizen by example,” she fires back, “And that included no lying.”

“Burn,” Nathan breathes out softly, offering Karen his fist to bump, which she hilariously, albeit awkwardly, does, “Nice one, Karen!”

“Thank you,” she laughs, patting Keith on the back, “Oh, honey, you know that I think you are very handsome. But you have to admit, this baby, oh, he’s so beautiful. Almost makes me want another.”

Keith looks alarmed, his eyes widening slightly. “Um, do – ah, do you mean that, Karen? It’s just, you and I, we are getting a little bit up there.”

She laughs, rolling her eyes at him. “Gosh, could you imagine? Me pregnant at this age? Him trying to run around in six years corralling a child? That is definitely not something I want, honey. Rest easy.”

He sighs in relief. “It’s not that I wouldn’t love another child with you, but it would be nice to have a life of our own at some point in time. Just a thought.”

Nathan grins, nodding in agreement. “Maybe we’ll have one of those again someday.” He and Keith start talking about how Keith’s shop is doing, so I sit down next to Karen.

“I guess this isn’t how you imagined this day taking place, hmm?” she states knowingly, “Are you doing okay with this, Haley?”

I shrug, not sure how to answer. I’m not okay with it, no, but I’m also not really freaking out over it, either. “There’s nothing I can do about it right now, so I’m not even trying to worry about it.”

“I guess that’s all you can do,” she nods, “I’m just sorry that this is how it has all worked out. She hasn’t apologized yet? Luke told me what she said when she took you to the hospital. Please tell me, for the sake of my sanity, that you’d have hit her if you hadn’t been in labor!”

I laugh at that, my hand covering hers where it rests on my son’s blanket. “Thank you, for that. I shouldn’t laugh since none of this is funny,” I tell her in a low voice, not needing to have anything I say get back to Brooke, “But if I don’t laugh about it, well, you know.”

She nods sympathetically, rhythmically rocking my son in her arms. “I am sorry, Haley. I know this is hard for you, and for that, I am truly sorry. And I am so unbelievably mad at her right now, too. I just cannot believe the way she has treated you. If I’d known how judgmental and closeminded she could be, I would’ve been even more concerned when she and Luke were together.”

“She’s not that bad,” I put up in half-hearted defense. Normally I’d be a little fiercer about it, but right now, I’m sitting about three quarters of the way back at her wedding, so there isn’t a whole lot of extra loyalty swimming in me right now.

“You don’t get to defend her to me,” Karen says with so much loyally that it truly lightens my heart, “She did my girl wrong, and that’s not okay. It’s never okay.”

Maybe this isn’t fair, but it is so nice to hear those words from someone. Nathan won’t say them because he knows that it isn’t what I want to hear from him. Luke won’t say them because, well, he’s still in the wedding. And Tim could never say them, and I would never expect him to anyway. It’s just nice to know that someone in addition to Nathan is without doubt on my side, and in this case, able to verbally support me.

“Thank you,” I whisper, leaning my head on her shoulder, “So, do you know who is attending her? I’d guess Lola, but if Tim is still having his brother, Luke and Jason, is she having anyone else?”

She sighs at me. “Honey, don’t do that to yourself. Just don’t even think about it.”

I smile, dryly pointing out, “I think I’ll be seeing it in a few minutes.” The baby starts fussing, and she passes him back to me. “What’s wrong, handsome?”

“He’s so precious,” Karen coos, smiling down at him, “He really is a little treasure.”

I grin at that. “He is wonderful, isn’t he? It’s so abstract during the pregnancy, and so much of my focus was on Nathan and Mere then. It’s almost like he wasn’t real until the nurse placed him on my chest. But now, I just cannot imagine my life without him. If Mere would just feel the same way, that’s about the only way things would be better, you know?”

“I do know,” she confirms with a smile, “I’ve seen it with my husband and his brother, as well as my son and your husband. That’s one bonus to having your children so far apart – they just don’t have any reasons to fight the same way.”

I nod at that, smiling. “Well, I guess Mere is going to take awhile to get over this, is what you’re saying,” I deduce, “Hopefully she’ll come around sooner rather than later.”

“She’s a good girl,” Karen counsels, “She’s a sweet child, and she will come around. Just let her do it at her own pace, right?”

“We’re trying,” I confirm, “It’s hard, both Nathan and I want her to just love him. Maybe that takes time for a sibling. Maybe we haven’t explained this to her the right way. I don’t know.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself! She’s a three year old, and she’s always had two parents that have so completely doted on her that she doesn’t know what else to do now. She expects certain things, and she’ll get used to the changes, quicker than you think.”

“You’re right, she’ll be fine with it,” I agree, smiling widely at her, “Eventually. It’s just the waiting that is killer.”

“Oh, but when isn’t it?” she points out, “It won’t take long, Haley. Young children adjust quickly. They’re much better at it than we, as adults, are. I promise you that.”

I nod, getting that she’s probably not that far off from the truth. “It’s starting,” I murmur quietly when the orchestra music changes and Tim, his brother, Jason, and Luke step onto the altar. Nathan moves back to sit on my other side, Mere in his arms. She starts protesting, saying she wants her own chair. “Shh, quiet time,” I whisper to her, “Watch Brooke in her pretty dress.”

She nods, settling back against Nathan’s chest with a pout firmly affixed to her lips. Brooke’s bridesmaids come out next, and as expected, Lola is her maid of honor. I’m a little surprised that Marissa is a bridesmaid, but I guess she doesn’t have any reason to be mad at her on my behalf anymore. The other is one of her assistants at her clinic.

Nathan reaches over and takes one of my hands in his own, squeezing gently. He gives me a sympathetic smile, and I paste on my best – and probably most tremulous – smile in return for him. The music changes again, and there is Brooke with her father. She’s a vision in white, to contrast with the bridesmaids in cream. It’s all so beautiful, and once again, it hits me that I’m not a part of this.

“I can’t watch this,” I whisper to Nathan, who sets Mere to stand on the chair when we all stand up, “I have to get out of here.”

He blinks in surprise, but takes the baby when I pass him over. I don’t even think about it for a second, just give a little thanks that this is outdoor, and I can slip out the far end of our row without drawing much, if any, attention. I slip out, hopefully unseen, through the cover of trees and darkness, and make my out to the parking lot, unlocking and getting in the backseat of the truck after unbuckling the car seats and setting them in the front seat for now. As soon as I have the door shut behind me, it’s opening again, and Nathan motions me to scoot over so he can join me.

“Hey,” he starts, gathering me into his arms, “Baby, it’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t,” I sigh, tears pricking at my eyes, “It isn’t. I thought it would, I thought that I could sit there and watch that, even though I knew that one half of them didn’t me there, didn’t want us there, and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t be there knowing that could’ve chose me, that I should’ve been up there, and I wasn’t. I’m not. I was seated near the back, which is almost a guarantee that she did that on purpose – why she had to drag Keith and Karen into that, they don’t deserve it – but whatever.”

“I’m really sorry,” he says quietly, tightening his grip on me, “It shouldn’t be like this. It wasn’t supposed to be like this for you, baby.”

I shrug, leaning up against his strong chest. “It doesn’t matter, anymore, I guess. Maybe this is what happens in life, you grow up, you grow away from people. It sucks, but it is what it is.”

“She’ll get over it someday,” he offers, and I shrug, not disputing it. He’s right, she will. But will it matter? Things can never be what they were before, and I think that I as much as her need to accept that.

“Maybe it doesn’t matter,” I return, “Maybe things end, and this is the ending that I’m having with Brooke. Because I don’t know how I can ever trust her again, you know?”

He looks over at me, looking like he’s weighing his response to that. “Would you be mad if I told you that I’m relieved to hear you say that? I haven’t said anything because I know you haven’t wanted to hear, and I know that if I can try to be civil with her, then it is a little bit of hope for you to hang onto. But Haley, the way she’s treated you, it has pissed me the fuck off,” he admits, his jaw clenching in remembered anger, “I don’t care if she hates me, I don’t. I care that it hurts you, and I care that it affects our children, but her regard means nothing to me. She can say whatever she wants, and it wouldn’t matter.

“But the things she said to you,” he goes on, “And the things she said about you, and our son, our gorgeous, perfect son, and the fact that she said them in front of Mere? She doesn’t deserve an iota of your regard, Haley. I’m sorry, she just doesn’t.”

I nod, not even bothering to try and fool anyone with arguments otherwise now. “I hate this whole situation, you know? I thought it would blow over, that eventually she’d stop being pissed at me for leaving, for not having enough time for her, for any and every other thing she’s angry with me for. I guess that isn’t to be the case.”

He pulls me onto his lap, his face resting in the crook of my neck. “What do you want to do?” he asks quietly, “I overheard someone say it was supposed to be a short ceremony and a long party. You want to head back out there?”

I shake my head. “I don’t think so. I’d rather just take the kids home, or maybe see if Keith and Karen would watch the baby, and we could take Eric and Mere to do something fun. But they shouldn’t have to miss it because we are. Let’s just take them home.”

He nods, but I can tell he isn’t entirely in agreement with that idea. “I think Tim might really miss you if you don’t show up for the reception, Haley J.”

“I know,” I sigh into the warm skin of his neck, my arms tightening around his shoulders as I let my lips roam there, “I just don’t know if I can do it. Especially now that I’ve been crying and I’m so tired and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know, Nathan.”

“You don’t always have to know what to do,” he tells me quietly, his fingers tangling in the curls hanging down my back, “It’s okay to not be in control of all situations, Hales.”

I choke out a strangled laugh, lifting my head to smile at him. “Practicing that psych work already?” I tease, tipping my head forward to kiss the corner of his mouth, “It’s so cute when you do that. Maybe cuter when it is on someone other than me, but you know.”

When I move back, he follows, his lips bumping against mine hungrily. “It’s only been two weeks?” he asks breathlessly, groaning when I nod, “Damn, someone hates me.”

Sighing, a pretty feat for the breathlessness he has caused, I lean back. Space, I need space. It’s too soon after delivering, first of all, and no matter how lovely (and currently impossible) jumping my husband in the backseat of his truck seems, it is still probably not a great way to deal with today. Probably not so much at all.

“You really think I should stay?” I ask quietly, leaning into his hand when he starts massaging the back of my neck, “Because I really don’t want to. And hell, Nathan! I’m not even convinced it would be a good idea. Even Tim has to recognize that things have really deteriorated to a point where it doesn’t really make sense to push things, to even keep trying. God, I hate this, I hate all of it so damn much.”

He’s quiet for a moment, but his hands don’t still on me. “What will you regret more? Going and getting the cold shoulder from Brooke? Or skipping it entirely and knowing that you have no clue how their wedding went? That you have no idea about any of those wedding detail things?”

His words are like a bucket of cold water being poured over me. If I missed it, more than I already have, I’d regret it forever. Not just for Tim, not just for Brooke, but for myself. No matter what has happened or what will happen, Brooke is my friend. She’s a friend that has laid it on the line for me, and it isn’t fair to either of us if I ignore that part of it. Some of the things she’s said to me, the way she’s treated me and Nathan and even Mere and the baby are excruciatingly close to being unforgivable, but do I not try?

This whole thing has gotten so far out of hand that I’m not even sure where I go from here. I guess the options are simple: cut my losses with Brooke, and as a result of that, probably Tim, or try and forget/ignore/forgive the ways she’s treated me and my family. Neither option is particularly appealing right now.

“I think I need to go back out there,” I say dully, taking a deep breath. I swipe at the wet skin under my eyes, trying to wipe away whatever has collected there. “God, I must be a mess. You should go back out there while I clean up. Please,” I insist when he stays put, holding me against him, “Just go check on the kids. Make sure they haven’t driven poor Keith and Karen crazy yet.”

“I’m sure they’re fine,” he assures me, “We can take as much time as you need out here. We don’t even have to decide whether or not we stay now, if necessary.”

Sighing, I shake my head. “No, we have to stay. Well, I need to stay, but Nathan, I don’t expect you to. Not considering how Brooke treats you. If you want to go, that’s fine, I totally understand.”

He rolls his eyes at me. “Come on, we’re in this together. I’m not abandoning you to the vulture just like you wouldn’t me. So I’ll just wait here with you until you are ready to go back out. No arguments, either,” he warns sternly, and I laugh a little at the mulish expression on his face.

“Okay,” I agree, pecking him on the cheek, “Fair enough. And thank you, Nathan.”

“For what?” he blinks, surprised.

“For everything. For sticking by me on this, for letting me try and work things out on my own, and for always backing me up. I really appreciate it.”

He nods, leaning into my palm when I brush it over his cheek. “See, these things? You’ve done them all for me, a thousand times more. You had my back every step of the way, and I’ve got yours. This is not you, or me. It’s us. That’s what we’ll always be, too.”

“Will you marry me?” I blurt out, completely on the fly and devoid of any special circumstance like I’d started thinking I could do. It doesn’t feel wrong, though.

He blinks at me, clearly surprised. I don’t know if it is because I’m asking, or if it is because I blurted it out at a really weird time. “What? I mean, really? I mean, yes.”

“Yes?” I breathe out the question, “You mean like, ‘yes, you will’?”

He grins, nodding slowly. “Yeah, yes. I’d really, really like that,” he laughs, reaching out to pull my face to his, “Did you just propose to me, Haley James?”

I laugh with him, nodding. “I did. I even told our son I was going to this morning,” I confide, laughter – happy, excited laughter – bubbling all around my words, “He seemed to think it was a really, really good idea.”

“Me, too,” he agrees immediately, “I – I’ve been waiting, trying to find this perfect time, and it never occurred to me that any time would be the perfect time for this.”

“Even the backseat of your oversized, testosterone vehicle?” I sniff out, the happy emotions overwhelming me a little.

“Especially here, apparently,” he laughs, emotion thickening his voice. His fingers tangle in my hair again, pulling me to him. “I have wanted to marry you for so long. Ever since your parents made us annul the first one.”

“Why didn’t you?” I ask, the words coming out before I can stop them. It’s a double-edged sword, this topic. I want to know, maybe a part of me needs to know, but at the same time, his answer could really hurt or damage me.

He shakes his head, his lips brushing against mine over and over and over again. “Because I’m stupid,” he states, “Because I am the stupidest guy on the planet for not getting you legally tied to me when I had the chance. I blew that, just like I blew a lot of things. Guess I’m just lucky that you’ve given me second, third, eight thousandth chances, huh?”

“I’d give you a million more,” I promise him, the grimace, “But please don’t use all of them, okay?”

He laughs as he kisses me. His tongue comes out to brush against the seam of my mouth, asking for entrance that I am happy to give. “I will try with everything in me not to use any more of them,” he promises effusively, his hands sliding over my body, pulling me closer to him, fitting me against him.

“We’re gonna get married?”

“Yeah, we are going to get married,” he promises, his forehead resting against mine as we stare into each other’s eyes. “Soon. We’ll do this soon, and special, with anything you ever wanted.”

“Just you, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. You and the kids and our family, that’s all we need for this, Nathan,” I tell him quickly, not wanting to drag this out for a long time with planning and reservations and stuff, “It doesn’t matter where or what we’re wearing, it just matters that we do this.”

I can tell he’s pleased by that sentiment, but he covers it quickly. “Are you sure? We’ve been waiting for this for a long time, and I don’t see any reason why we can’t make it really special, the things of all your dreams.”

“Special is being your wife,” I promise him, my slips skating over his cheek to his neck. I nip lightly at the skin there, smiling to myself when he jumps a little in response.

“We’re going to get married,” he laughs, burying his head in my neck, his tongue tasting the skin there. He pulls his head up, tipping it back as he shouts, “We’re getting married!”

Grinning, I press my lips against his, moving to straddle his lap. His eyes darken as he looks up at me, but they shutter as quickly as that. He groans, setting me off of his lap. “Baby, next time you propose to me, let it be at a time when we can actually celebrate properly,” he suggests, his head dropping down into his hands, “Because this isn’t good.”

“I’m sorry,” I purr, sliding back into his side, my hand roaming down to dip below the suit jacket he’s wearing, “I can help you with that, Nathan.”

He half laughs, half groans at that. “I thought you’d never offer,” he admits, grinning at me cheekily as my hand pulls out of his jacket to dip lower, playing over the buttons of his fly, “I just don’t know that this is the best time or place for this. We have to go back out there.”

“Want me to stop?” I ask, my tongue running over his earlobe, “Whatever you want, Nathan. Whatever you need.”

“Where’s my phone?” he grounds out, growling when I pat my hand over the pockets of his pants teasingly, “Damn, Haley J. We have to find it.”

“What? Why do you need the phone?” I ask in confusion, my hands stilling on him, “I cannot imagine who you would possibly need to call right now.”

“Karen and Keith,” he mutters, finally spotting it up in the center console up front. He moves me aside as he leans forward to get it. “I am going to beg them to bring the kids home after an hour or two. Maybe even three.”

“Huh?” I intelligently ask, “Why would - ?”

“We’re not doing this in the backseat here,” he tells me, his tone no nonsense as he punches through the phonebook entries logged in his Blackberry, “We’re going home, and we’re doing it in our bed. And if we can’t make it upstairs to bed, then we’ll find somewhere else that is soft and comfortable.”

I laugh at that, nodding as he holds the phone to his ear. “Okay, I cannot argue with that plan. Tell them we’ll leave the car seats by their car, if it is okay.” I know it will be, and I feel a little badly for imposing upon them like this, but that’s sort of washed away by this need I have to be alone with Nathan right now.

They of course say yes, and we get everything settled before heading home together, hand in hand.

Engaged. The way it should be.

~*~Early October, 2014~*~

Standing in the kitchen, I smile to myself at the sounds of Nathan and Mere as they run around to get ready for the day. Mere obviously has no plans, aside from grocery shopping with me and her brother, but Nathan is about five minutes away from being late for class if he doesn’t get out the door like now. The mimicking of Nathan’s frantic running through the house in his attempt at finding everything he needs, including the twenty-five page term paper I proofed for him last night, is Mere’s new thing. She always wants to be doing what one of us is doing.

“Hales, have you seen where I put my computer?” Nathan yells down from the top of the stairs.

“Mommy, where’s my baby doll?” Mere asks, her giggling ringing down after her words.

“I don’t know, Nathan! Mere, come down here and eat breakfast. We have Lucky Charms!” I bribe her, knowing that she’s probably not only driving Nathan crazy, but also probably completely in his way.

She comes barreling down the stairs, Sammy on her heels. “Hi, Mama! I want my Charms, please! I give him Charms, too?” she asks, pointing at her brother, sound asleep in his infant chair. He should be sleeping soundly. I was up at one and three with him this morning.

“Mere, you know he can’t our food yet. He has to have milk,” I remind her, rolling my ways inwardly when she glares at me, “Sit down and eat your cereal, okay?”

“Okay,” she mutters grudgingly, coming over to sit, mostly because she knows better than to argue or refuse, “Can I have juice, too, Mama?”

“Of course,” I smile at her, grabbing the apple juice out of the fridge, “Anything else, your royal highness?”

She giggles at me, and I grin back at her. “No, you are dismissed,” she retorts, having gotten into the swing of this little game Nathan has played with her and I’ve joined in, “I ring when I need you!”

I widen my eyes at her as I pass her the juice. “Will you now?” I gasp, playing along with her, “Well, we’ll just see how that goes, huh, missy?”

“Oh, Mama,” she giggles, shoving a marshmallow from the cereal into her mouth, “You so funny.”

“Not half as funny as you are, sweets,” I promise her, smiling widely when Nathan comes dashing into the kitchen, dropping kisses on first the baby’s, then Mere’s, and finally my forehead before muttering something about being late and loving us and running out the door. “Guess Daddy was in a hurry,” I say to Mere, swallowing a laugh.

She nods solemnly. “Daddy goes away lots.”

I raise an eyebrow, sitting down in the chair next to her. “He doesn’t go away, sweets. He just goes to school. And then he comes every night. Just like when I work, right?”

She shrugs, and I know that she has gotten so used to having him here, all to herself a lot during the days, that this has become more of an adjustment for her than anyone else. It certainly isn’t a bother to me to have him in class part of the day. It’s not good to spend twenty-four hours a day with your significant other. Unhealthy. It’s nice this way, and I know he’s thriving at school, and I couldn’t be happier for him.

And I have memories that she doesn’t, of him being gone days at a time for basketball. Of course, any adult hopefully has better perspective than a three year old, so it would be unfair to expect more from her.

“Mere, Daddy will be home in a few hours,” I remind her, brushing her hair off her forehead, “And he said that you two would practice riding your bike tonight. He won’t forget that, he’ll be back as soon as he can.”

“I wanna play now,” she says, her face clouding over mutinously, “We ride bike?”

“We can’t ride bikes now, babe,” I tell her, knowing that she’s overtired and will probably react poorly to being told ‘no’, “We have to go to the store and we were going to stop and see Karen today, remember?”

“And Eric!” she enthuses, and I debate not bursting the bubble right now and letting her think he’ll be there.

“Eric has school, sweets,” I tell her softly, “He won’t be there today.”

She thrusts her lower lip out in her trademark pout, arms crossing over her chest. I know she’s disappointed about this, but there isn’t much I can do for her. “I wanna go to school, too, Mama!”

I nod, leaning forward to give her a kiss. “I know you do, but you’re not old enough yet, Merry. You’ll go someday, though.”

She doesn’t like the answers that I have to give her right now, and a part of me doesn’t really blame her. I remember being younger, and being upset that I was the only one not going to school. That was hard, but it is sort of life. I think she and I are going to have to come up with some activities to keep her busy, though. And once I start work again, in another couple of months, she’ll be in a preschool, so that will go a long way towards keeping her busy.

Karen has offered to take care of the baby when I go back to work, which Nathan and I both gratefully jumped on. While putting Mere into a preschool that we’ve been researching for several months doesn’t seem like a big deal, neither of us really wanted him going into a daycare situation at this age. Having Karen take care of him makes both of us feel a million times better, so it is the perfect situation for now.

She finishes her cereal quietly, not saying much. When she’s done, she looks at me expectantly. “Good girl. Want to go pick out something to wear? Your brother and I will be up as soon as I clean up in here, okay, sweets?”

“Okay,” she nods, favoring me with one of her adorable smiles, “I wear my Grandma Karen sweater today!”

“Okay,” I agree, “You go get that out. I love you, sweets.”

“Love you, Mama,” she echoes, smile still plastered on her face. She runs up the stairs, and I lift the baby out of his chair.

“Well, this is going to be a long day, isn’t it?” I ask him, brushing a feather light kiss to his temple, “Hopefully you’ll be an angel and wake up soon. And then either take a nice, long nap when your daddy gets home, and I can sleep, or sleep a lot tonight. I’m so tired, angel.”

He shifts slightly, his cheek rubbing against my shoulder. “Yeah, you’re tired, too, I know. Too bad you aren’t ready to sleep at the same time I am yet,” I sigh, brushing a finger over his little ear, “You know, your sister was really good at that. Maybe inciting a little sibling rivalry would get you sleeping, huh? You don’t want her to beat you at that, do you?”

The doorbell rings, and then rings again. On the second ring, it startles him out of his sleep, and he lets out a little cry as he stirs, his face screwing up unhappily. Damn, who would be here at this time of the morning, ringing the damn doorbell.

“Yeah, I don’t like it either, handsome,” I whisper when he lets out another angry squawk. “Let’s go see who is selling what today, huh?”

I debate briefly putting him back in his chair, but decide to carry him with me. If he’s already awake and being held, being set back down isn’t going to make him any happier, that is for sure. I swing the door open, shocked to find Brooke standing there. She’s…nervous, for lack of a better word, and it is obvious from the way her lips are pursed together and the death grip on her purse that she’s not sure she wants to be here.

She doesn’t say anything in way of greeting, and neither do I. In fact, I sort of freeze at seeing her there. It’s uncomfortable and awkward, and I cannot, for the life of me, think of a single semi-intelligent thing to say at the moment. I hate feeling like this, especially with Brooke.

“Can I come in?” she finally asks, brushing her hair out of her face, her wedding rings glinting in the morning light.

“Why?” I ask bluntly, not particularly trusting of her motives considering how some of our last meetings have gone. I resolved awhile ago never to get into it with her in front of my children again, and that is something I plan on sticking by.

She looks down at the ground, taking a deep breath. It is probably as much a struggle for her as it is for me not to immediately jump into antagonistic mode, but to her credit, she doesn’t. “I just want to talk, Haley. I thought that maybe we could do that. Be civil about it, even.”

“Fine, come on in,” I sigh, wary about all of this. Mere comes barreling down the stairs, and after months of not being around Brooke at all, she stops when she sees her, holding onto the railing as she looks at her shyly. “Oh, there you are, sweets,” I say to her, ignoring Brooke for the moment, “I need you to do me a big favor.”

“What, Mama?” she asks adorably, tilting her head to the side, her big blue eyes widening in expectation.

“I need you to come upstairs with me, okay? I’m going to put your brother in his bed, and I need you to watch him,” I tell her like it is the most important thing in the world. Like this is more than just me wanting to get her – and, to a lesser extent – him out of the room for this. “It’s very important, Mere, can you do this for me?”

“Oh, yes!” she agrees, clapping her hands together, “I can, Mama! I can watch him!”

“Okay,” I tell her, motioning to Brooke that I’ll just be a minute, “You have to be very quiet, okay, Merry? Why don’t you run up and get some books and meet me in his room, okay?”

She agrees, and by the time I’m settling him into his crib, she’s tiptoeing into the room, her finger held over her lip to let me know she’s being quiet. I beam at her, kneeling down to press kisses to her cheeks. “You and I are going to read a bunch of books later, okay?” I whisper.

She smiles, nodding excitedly. “Love you, Mama.”

“Oh, sweets, me, too.”

I stand up, leaving the room. I pause at the top of the stairs, taking a deep breath. The idea of taking her out back to the deck, or front to the porch, crosses my mind. Based off recent history, it is easy to make the assumption that this is going to turn out poorly as well as loud. And the kids just don’t need to be exposed to either of those things.

She’s still standing awkwardly in the foyer, looking so painfully uncomfortable that I almost laugh. That might break the ice, though, and I’m feeling petty and mean enough not to do that. She came over, she can start this. I’ve tried in the past, and all I’ve gotten is hit with progressively harsher words. I’m not opening myself up to that again.

She looks up when she hears me coming down the stairs. “Um, did you need to do something with the kids? I mean, do you really want to trust a three year old with an infant?”

“What are you here for?” I snap out, glaring at her as I wave the baby monitor under her nose, “If it is just to question my parenting abilities, call fucking CPS, Brooke. I don’t need this from you.”

She shakes her head, looking stricken. It’s mixed with a little anger, but hey, what can you do, right? “God, that wasn’t what I meant!” she sighs, “You take everything so literally. I don’t even know when that happened.”

“Hmm,” I pretend to muse, even tapping my finger against my chin, “Maybe it was sometime around when you so kindly, if not more than a little ignorantly, tried to warn me about potential birth defects in my child. Or, I don’t – “

“I’m sorry,” she blurts out, “That was an awful, nasty thing to say, and I shouldn’t have said it. I didn’t even mean it, you know. You know that, Tutor Mama! You know I’d never mean something like that.”

“No!” I counter, turning away from her to walk into the kitchen, “The person I knew a few years ago wouldn’t have ever meant that. But the thing was, she wouldn’t have said it, either.”

She follows after me, her heels clicking on the wood floor. Only Brooke Davis – excuse me, Brooke Smith – would wear heels to work in a freaking veterinary office. “Haley, come on, you know that was just an assy thing I said in the heat of the moment! It didn’t mean anything!”

“Yeah, that didn’t mean anything. Neither did the lack of invitation to your wedding, right? I mean, if Tim hadn’t asked and then hand-delivered one, I never would’ve gotten it! And I’m sure you didn’t mean to trash me or Nathan in front of our daughter either, right?” I bust out, not giving a single inch. Not even giving a millimeter right now.

Her eyes close, and I’m not blind – I see the regret written over her face when I fling those things back at her. “I know I fucked everything up,” she admits in a low voice, “But I’m sorry! Doesn’t that count for something!”

“That’s just a word, Brooke. It doesn’t mean anything anymore. And why should it? Even if I believe you, does it matter? You’ll still hate Nathan, you’ll still think I’m stupid for being with him, which means that you’ll still think I’m a bad parent for letting my kids be around him. It just doesn’t end, this stuff doesn’t go away.”

“I don’t think that it does!” she presses back, moving a little closer, “God, Haley! I’m trying here. I am really trying, and you can’t even spare an inch for me?”

“No, I can’t!” I exclaim, irritated that she thinks she can come in my house and ask me for anything, “You’ve treated me and my family like crap for months now! Maybe you can sweep that under the rug for whatever reason now, but I can’t. I can’t forget what you said to me in that parking lot of the hospital. With Meredith there. I’m sorry, but I can’t forget that!”

She fumes at that. “Yeah, far be it from Miss Perfect to actually give someone else a chance to be sorry, a chance to apologize! Far be it for you to give anyone a second chance, right Haley?”

“Most people with the audacity to ask for something like this actually have done something to show that they might deserve it,” I reason, “What have you done that would make me think you deserve a second chance after what you’ve said and done?”

“Seven years of friendship don’t preclude that?” she asks tightly, taking a deep breath, “I mean, you’d think it might, but hey, apparently some people are a little too high and mighty for that.”

“Don’t put this off on me,” I warn her, “You have been taking pot shots at every aspect of me and my life and my family for months now, and you think that just because I have a problem with that, it makes me high and mighty? Screw this, god, I don’t even know why I let you in my house.”

That hits hard, and she blanches. “Yeah, I guess I don’t know either. I can’t believe it has come down to this,” she whispers, almost more to herself than me, “I can’t believe you’re cutting me out of your life.”

“Cutting you out?” I repeat incredulously, “You practically jumped out while the vehicle was still running. Is your memory that selective?”

“I got mad because you couldn’t fucking find a babysitter for one day and just devote it to helping me get ready for my wedding!” she snarls, her voice raising in volume and octaves, “You wouldn’t even help me for a single day, Haley. What do you think that did to me?”

I stare at her, dismayed that she’s really trying to simplify this to that level. “That is what caused all of this, in your opinion,” I note, “That’s why you said those things to me, about Nathan. That is what makes it all okay in your head?”

“I never said any of it was okay,” she sighs, starting to cry, which makes me feel like an asshole, “I’m not excusing the things I said or the way I treated you. Why can’t you just see that I’m sorry?”

The thing is, I can see that. But it just doesn’t matter anymore. I’m stretched too thin right now with everything else going on in my life to spend time fighting for someone that can’t even let me live my life the way I want. I just can’t do that, and yeah, it is selfish, and maybe I’m throwing away a great friendship, but this is too hard. I don’t want to fight with her, and that’s all we seem to be able to do.

“What do you want me to say?” I ask dully, about ready to give this up altogether, “That it’s all okay? Fine, it’s okay. But that doesn’t change anything. You won’t magically think a different way, and I won’t magically forget the things that have happened.”

“I can’t believe you,” she whispers, “All you care about is the ways I’ve hurt you. Well, guess what! You’ve hurt me, too, but I guess that isn’t important since it doesn’t involve Nathan, right?”

“What have I done to you?” I demand to know, “Have a life that couldn’t always include you? Grow up? What, Brooke? What did I do that was so awful?”

“How many times have I stuck up for you?” she asks quietly, emotion swirling in her pretty eyes, “How many times did I stick my neck out there for you and defend you when you messed up? Because you aren’t perfect, and there were a bunch of times! I chose you, too! I chose you over Tim when you dumped Jason, and I was there each and every time you needed me when you were pregnant with Meredith. How come that never counts? How come I never got the same thing from you?”

She has a point there, and I know it. She’s given more than I have to this friendship in some ways, and maybe that is why it is so easy for me to stand here and think that that is just how it goes in friendship. That sometimes one of you gives more than the other, just like in any other relationship. And I don’t know, maybe there have been times when I could’ve dropped things or rearranged them in order to be there for her like she’s asking. Maybe that’s not so much to ask for on her part.

“I don’t know,” I admit, regret lacing my voice, “Maybe because you never needed it until I couldn’t give it. I honestly don’t know, Brooke.”

“Yeah,” she nods, her lips twisting into a wry grimace, “Well, maybe this isn’t even – “ She breaks herself off, looking at me. “Why is it so easy to forgive Nathan everything, but not me?”

“He made mistakes,” I answer easily, “And he worked his ass off to get us past them. Besides, it was never easy, and you damn well know that. It was harder than anything I’ve done, making the choice to let everything go. And maybe that’s why you’ve hurt me so bad with all this – you knew what that did to me, and you’re still willing to exploit just to hurt me.”

“That’s what you think?” she whispers, her hands on her hips.

“That’s what I know, Brooke. Go ahead, try and tell me otherwise, but it won’t be the case, and you and I both know it. You hit me where you knew it would hurt the most, and you didn’t even care. That was obviously your intent all along anyway.”

She shakes her head, denying this. “No, it wasn’t like that, Haley. You know that, you have to know that,” she pleads, and for the first time since she’s been here, I actually believe she might be at least a little sincere.

Sighing, I look her in the eye. “But I don’t know if it even matters now,” I tell her levelly, “I’m just tired of fighting. I’m tired of you throwing a spiteful fit because I love Nathan and put my family above all things.”

“I love that you love your family,” she tells me, tears forming in her eyes, “That’s one of my favorite things about you, your loyalty. Can’t I just be afraid that it will get you hurt?”

”By who? Nathan?” I stare at her, waiting for a response. Finally, she nods. “And there’s your problem, you don’t get it. Nathan won’t hurt me.”

“I’m sorry, I just don’t have as an easy of time believing that as you do,” she sighs, shrugging, “He’s hurt you in the past, big time.”

“Yeah, but I’ve hurt him, too,” I remind her, looking at the baby monitor in my hands, “And I’m not saying that makes us even or something, but I am saying that this isn’t a one-way street. Sometimes we hurt the people that we love, but we deal with that, and we move on.”

“So by that logic, you forgive me,” she states plainly, her arms folding over her chest defiantly, “I hurt you, you hurt me, let’s deal with it and move on.”

“It’s not that easy,” I contradict, shaking my head. Maybe I should let it be that easy, choose for it to be that easy, but I can’t. Maybe I’m being stubborn and unfair and spiteful, but letting the things she said go isn’t coming easily to me.

“Yeah,” she nods, her lips pursing angrily, “I get it. Nathan gets the carte blanche forgiveness, and I don’t. I totally get it. You know what, forget I ever came over here.”

She turns to walk out, and I follow behind her, grabbing her by the shoulder to stop. “No, no way! You do not get to be the angry one, Brooke! You don’t get to be the wronged one, or the hurt one! I never once disparaged your choice in men, or the way you handle your business, or anything like that! I never once attacked you in the most personal way possible!”

“You walked out on my wedding!” she screams, and I wince, afraid that the baby will start crying or Mere will come running to see what’s wrong, “You fucking walked out on my wedding, Haley! God, do you know how bad that felt?”

Spitefully, I retort, “I hope that it felt half as bad as it felt when you called me on the carpet for my parenting skills. That’s what I hope it felt like.”

“Fine,” she sighs, tears pouring down her cheeks, “I tried. Obviously, that’s not something you want to do right now. God, when did this happen? Hell, what happened to you?”

“I grew up,” I tell her flatly, “I had a kid, I have the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, and I grew up so that I can keep us together. I’m sorry that that isn’t what you want for me, or from me, but that’s what my life is now.”

The tears don’t let up at all, rolling down her face to drip off her chin, landing on her blouse. “We can’t even be civil about this? Like it or not, I still hang out with parts of your family. Or are you going to cut me off from them like you did with Mere?”

“I never cut you off from her, not until you made it clear that you couldn’t be around her and refrain from spewing your garbage about Nathan. I wouldn’t have done that to her without good reason, and believe me, you gave me the best one possible.”

She shakes her head, laughing humorlessly. “Yeah, but you were just waiting for one, right?”

“Oh, grow up,” I sniff, rolling my eyes, “I never told you to include Mere in your cold shoulder of me, and I never told you that you couldn’t see her.

“Yeah, but the implications were there,” she snots back at me, “Like you’d have jumped for joy if I’d shown up here with a toy or a dress for her.”

“Maybe not,” I admit, “But it would’ve made a difference, Brooke. At least then it would’ve seemed like you cared. Because the way this all went down? It’s been months, and this is the first time it’s felt like you cared about her, even a little. So don’t drag her into this like that.”

“Fine,” Brooke agrees, holding her hands up, “Look, this is pointless. You have your life, and I have mine. Maybe this is some case of never the twain shall meet, I don’t know. But I’m not doing this with you anymore, I’m just not.”

I don’t agree with her, and she doesn’t walk out yet. We just stare at each other, at this complete stalemate, neither of us willing to take that next step to end this thing. Neither willing to say we were wrong, neither believing we were. There’s no going forward, but there’s not going back anymore, either. And I think both of us have realized that now, and what? What else is there now?

Breaking the eye contact, I look down at the monitor in my hand when the baby starts fussing through it. Amusingly, Mere starts whispering for him ‘shhh’ and ‘be quiet’. “I have to go get them,” I tell her, almost bracing myself for whatever backlash that brings on.

She just nods, though, not saying anything negative, not saying anything at all. When she finally does speak, it is to say, “I haven’t seen him yet. Except in that picture you gave Tim, where he was holding him in the hospital.”

“You haven’t tried,” I shrug, not sure what she wants me to say here, “I thought you might’ve seen him at the wedding. Keith and Karen had them after Nathan and I left.”

She shrugs, sighing. “There was a lot going on there. I – I had other things on my mind.”

“Yeah,” I breathe, not sure if she meant my absence or just the general wedding hubbub that goes on, “Look, I really have to go. It would be best if…”

“If I left,” she nods, knowing what I was getting it, “Yeah, I got it. Not so much with the welcome anymore.”

“Well,” I sigh, waving a hand in front of me, “Goodbye.”

“Yeah, goodbye.” She turns to go, and even though the baby is still fussing over the monitor, his cries beginning to gain steam, I don’t go upstairs until she is out the front door. It’s not that I think she’ll do something weird if I don’t make sure she’s gone, but maybe I need to see it to believe. To believe the finality of it. I don’t even know anymore.

It’s just never easy, I guess.

Chapter 20 (cont) - end

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