Getting It All Back

By Brynne

Chapter Fourteen – Through the Fire

‘I know you’re afraid of what you feel

You still need time to heal

And I can help if you’ll only let me try

You touch me and something in me knew

What I could have with you

Well I’m not ready to kiss that dream goodbye

When it’s this sweet, there’s no saying no

I need you so, I’m ready to go’ – C. Khan

~*~Late September, 2013~*~

Walking into the therapist’s office, I’m besieged by an attack of nerves. They seem inexplicable, as if they are out of place or something. This is a good thing, me being here and talking about the things that I’m here to talk about. If I can gain even a tiny bit of perspective that will help Nathan and me in this, then it’s a very good thing.

I’m impatient as I sit in the waiting room, tapping my fingers relentlessly against my knee as I wait for my name to be called. I don’t even bother with a magazine, knowing I’d barely be able to glance at it right now.

When my name is called, I shoot out of my chair, having to pause and take a deep breath so that I don’t actually sprint down the hall towards the doctor. She introduces herself to me as we walk towards her office, and she’s so calm and friendly that I am instantly at ease with her, and know this is someone I can talk with.

“So, Haley, I’m Dr. Amara, but you should call me Janie, and what can I do for you?” she asks pleasantly once we’re settled in her office with cups of hot coffee.

“I don’t know, I’m not exactly sure how this works,” I admit, smiling tentatively.

“Something must be bothering you if you’re here. I assume that because you aren’t on the court-appointed list,” she grins, “Usually the best way to start is for you to tell me a little bit about yourself, maybe about your family and your home life, everything that pertains to the reason for you being here.”

Nodding, I realize it makes sense to let her get to know me some before we delve into the deeper issues. I run through the basics, telling her about Meredith and my new job and my friends and finally, a little bit about Nathan.

“I guess Nathan is why I’m here,” I admit, “He has a substance abuse problem, one that he has received treatment for and is currently in recovery from, but before he sought help, a lot happened. Oh, who am I kidding? A lot has happened since, as well as before, I suppose.”

“Would you like to tell me about your relationship with Nathan? How you met him, how you came to be parents together – now, I don’t need the details, just what your life together was like both before and after he started using the drugs.”

“Nathan and I started dating in high school,” I smile, “His half-brother is one of my best friends, but they grew up not knowing each other, except to dislike each other. Nathan sort of blackmailed me into tutoring him, and I just sort of fell right in love with him. We actually got married when I was sixteen and he was seventeen.”

“Really?” she asks, surprised into a smile.

“Yeah, he was emancipated, and we forged papers giving me permission to do it. That didn’t go over very well, and my parents had it annulled,” I explain wryly, “That’s just how we were, though. Even at sixteen, I knew he was what I wanted for the rest of my life.”

“So, you’ve been together ever since?”

“No, not by a long shot,” I sigh, smiling to myself, “He ended up in Connecticut for college, but I couldn’t afford to leave Tree Hill, even with scholarships. I broke up with him, sort of a preemptive thing, knowing that the distance would be hard. And it was.”

“Did you get back together right away?”

“Oh, no. He started dating first, and eventually I did, too. I actually was supposed to get married at the end of my junior year; I left him at the altar, though.” Shaking my head, I smile ruefully. “I was still in love with Nathan even though I couldn’t admit it, not even to myself.”

“That must’ve been a pretty bad time for you,” she surmises, and I nod in agreement, “A lot of changes.”

“Yeah, it was,” I agree softly, “But it was for the best. Nathan and I took a year, but we found our way back together, and then I was pregnant. By that time, he’d moved to Seattle to play basketball, and after our daughter was born, I moved out there with him. It was good, really good. He loves Meredith so much, and being with the two of them really made me happy, even so far away from home.”

“When did that start changing?”

“I – I don’t know. He started taking drugs about a year ago now, but I didn’t find out until June. And now, in hindsight, I’ve come up with all these different times when I think I should’ve seen what he was doing, that I should’ve realized that for some reason, he was unhappy enough that he was turning to drugs.”

“You have guilt because you didn’t stop him?”

“Yeah, I do, I guess. Mostly that I didn’t even know, didn’t even realize how differently he was acting until there was irrefutable proof slapped in my face.” Pausing to take a deep breath, I look her in the eyes. “I know him better than anyone, and I didn’t let myself see what was in front of my face. Even when he started visiting strip clubs and avoiding being home, I didn’t figure it out.”

“How did it come to your attention?”

“He collapsed one day. The doctor told me his suspicions, and blood tests confirmed that he was taking not only speed, but steroids as well. It deteriorated from there because I took our daughter and left. Came back here without thinking what it would do to him.

“And he spiraled after that, out of control. Went to Las Vegas, and just binged for a few weeks. I – I came back to Seattle with his father and brother, and he was gone already. There was – we had no clue where he’d gone, and I actually had to go to the morgue to ID a body. It wasn’t his, of course, but for about an hour, I had to fear that it was. And you know, it just got worse from there.”

“How so?”

“We figured out where he was, and we went to Vegas after him to try and convince him to come home and get help. He – he wasn’t receptive to that, to say the least.”

“He wasn’t ready to admit he had a problem?”

“No, he wasn’t.” Taking a deep breath, I stare at a potted plant sitting on her desk. “He doesn’t remember much of what happened in Vegas. That’s what he told me when he was apologizing for some of the things that it’s pretty likely he did do.”

“What were those things?” she asks quietly, peering at me intently.

“When I got there, I got myself a key to his hotel room, and when he came back to the room, there were people with him. Strangers. They – there were women with him, women that he insinuated then that he’d slept with. He didn’t say that he had, but he seemed to – to delight in making me think he had.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“Awful, worthless. Alone.”

“But he’s saying now that he doesn’t remember what he did, or didn’t do, with these people while he was there?”

“Yeah. I just – I want to think that he didn’t, that he couldn’t have, that some tiny bit of me in him would’ve held him back, but there was so much in that room that screamed that someone had been having sex in there, and – I don’t know, I guess it would be wishful, naïve thinking to assume it wasn’t him.”

“How does that factor into your reconciliation now?”

Shaking my head, it takes me a minute to answer. “I don’t know. I – I really wanted to think that it wouldn’t matter, that I could look past it and we’d find a way to just let it go, but I don’t know if I can.”

“Is that why you’re here?”

“Not just that,” I sigh, “It’s everything. There are so many feelings I have right now that I can’t seem to sort through; not just the sense of betrayal, but guilt, fear, insufficiency, all this stuff that I can’t even put a name to.”

“And those are the things that you’d like to work through with me?” she deduces, “Now, have you tried Al-Anon? It’s a wonderful organization, and it might surprise you how much it can help to hear other people’s stories of living with a dependent.”

“I haven’t. I know that I should – I’ve read so many books and testimonials not only from people who have been in similar situations as mine, but as from the perspectives of the user. I just need to understand Nathan and what he’s going through better right now.”

“How’s the communication between the two of you?” she asks, jotting notes down on a small pad she’s holding.

“It’s – stilted sometimes, but we’re trying. He has this notion that he should withhold himself from me, so that he can keep from hurting me again. He just doesn’t understand that doing that makes it so much worse for me.”

“How does all of this affect your daughter?”

“Mere is – you know, she deals with this the best out of all of us, I think.” She smiles at that. “She’s two and half now, so she understands enough to know that her life has completely changed, especially since Nathan has insisted on his own apartment, but she seems to have accepted it. Sometimes I envy that she can do that.”

“The magic of kids,” she smiles, “They do have a knack for adjusting and carrying on as if nothing has changed, don’t they?”

“She’s just a baby, though. Sometimes I worry that this will affect her in ways I don’t see right now, sometime down the line.”

“It might,” Dr. Amara allows, “But she’s young enough that it isn’t likely that she’ll carry any kind of severe trauma from this. If she were a couple years older, then it would be something I’d suggest being more concerned about. As long as she doesn’t stop playing or eating or has trouble sleeping, I don’t think you have to worry about her.”

“She hasn’t exhibited any of those things,” I nod, sighing in relief. The last thing I need to worry about is permanent and lasting damage this might have on Mere.

“What is the status of things with Nathan right now?”

“Um, there is no status,” I smile slightly, feeling stupid, “He agreed not to shut me out anymore, and things – they’re better. We’re just going slowly, trying to rebuild our lives. Separately and together.”

“You do your part and he does his?”

“Exactly,” I agree, “Is it weird that this feels like the hard part? Fixing whatever has been broken in me? With Nathan, I know if we work at it, if we try, we can be okay. There’s just this bond between us that makes me feel strong, invincible even.”

“Are you saying that you think you can overcome all these obstacles as a couple?” she asks, blinking slowly at me.

“I don’t know for sure, but in my heart, yeah, I guess I do. We’ve been through so much, Nathan and I, and the fact that we can even be in a room together now is astounding. That we’re trying to sort through all the hurt and pain and problems is really something. For both of us.”

“You said when we started that you were here because of Nathan. From what you’ve said since, though, it sounds now more like you’re here for your own problems. A lot have to do with what happened with him, but would you say that is more or less true?”

Taking a breath, I consider the question. “Um, yeah, I absolutely think that I need to work through the problems that I have within myself before things can go anywhere with Nathan.”

“What would you say is the biggest thing that you need to work through?”

“The blame. I don’t know, the blame coupled with the self-doubt is just, it eats me alive. Some days, I’ll be at work, and that’ll be all that I can focus on.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Because if I had done things differently, then maybe it would all be different now. That’s what I keep coming back to, that thought that if I had known, if I hadn’t left him there, if I had gone back sooner, if, if, if. It comes down to ‘if’ for me right now, and I can’t keep doing this. I can’t think about that all the time. And Nathan and I, this is just about the one thing we fight over.”

“Why? Why do you fight over you asking those questions?”

“He wants to hold all the blame on himself, he won’t let me take any of it,” I explain, my throat swelling as the tears come, “And I need to take what’s mine, I need to accept my responsibility and role in what’s happened.”

She smiles sympathetically at that. “You don’t think that he holds responsibility in what has happened? Or is this a way for you to protect him?”

“Believe me, I know what responsibility Nathan has for what’s happened between us, for what he’s done to his life. That’s never been a question for me; I want him to own up to that, and I’m proud that he is. But I’ve made mistakes, too, and if I’m not allowed to admit them and try and correct them, then how can I move past them?”

“Do you think you can correct them? Some mistakes are irreversible, and you have to just learn to accept them for what they are, learn from them, and move on.” Her gaze is shrewd and knowing, and I wonder if she thinks I’m trying to achieve something impossible.

“Maybe we can’t fix all of our mistakes. No, I know we can’t. Nathan can’t take back using drugs, I can’t take back leaving and taking his daughter away from him, and he can’t take back whatever happened in Las Vegas. I don’t know about him, but for me, if I can’t correct what I’ve done, then I have to prove to him that I didn’t mean it.”

“You didn’t mean it? Do you regret that you took your daughter out of an unhealthy environment? Drugs are very dangerous, and they can turn a man into an entirely different person.” She smiles kindly at me. “I wouldn’t know many people who would place you at fault for wanting to protect your child.”

“I know,” I agree, sighing, “And maybe if I had to do it all over again, I’d do the same thing. But now, there is this thought I can’t get out of my head. The idea that, if I hadn’t taken Mere and ran when he first landed in the hospital, if I’d stayed and fought with him, then maybe it wouldn’t have gone as far as it did. Maybe Vegas would’ve never happened.”

“Haley, are you familiar with the concept of ‘rock bottom’?”

“Oh, yes, of course.”

“I’m not here to tell you what’s right and what is wrong. I’m here to help you explore possibilities and to teach you to work through your problems. What I’m going to suggest now is something you might not want to hear,” she warns, “There is the possibility that Nathan was going to hit ‘rock bottom’ regardless. You could’ve stayed with him originally, but you have no guarantee that things wouldn’t have gone equally awry in a different way.”

“I don’t know, I suppose that’s definitely a possibility. That thought I could’ve prevented some of the things, his descent into harder drugs, that’s always there, though. And I don’t know if I can make it go away, if it’s selfish that I want it to, or if it is something I’m going to have to carry around for the rest of my life,” I sigh, taking another deep breath when I finish. Glancing at the clock, I see our time is almost over.

“Yes, we’ve got to wrap up for today,” she smiles, noting the direction of my glance, “Why don’t, for next time, you see if you can’t figure out exactly what it is you want to get out of these sessions?”

“Yeah, I can do that,” I agree, smiling slightly, “Thank you so much for today. I really appreciate it.”

“Haley, you’re paying me big bucks for this, so there really is no thanking me necessary,” she teases, standing up and walking me to the door. “Just think about what you think this can do for you, and that will give us a place to start as a jumping off point, okay?”

“Okay, I will,” I smile, waving as I walk through the lobby and out of the building.

It was weird, I can’t help but think, to talk to a stranger about these things, but at the same time, it was liberating. Having someone who doesn’t know both of us and doesn’t have ideas of how things should go already makes it somehow easier.

My phone rings, startling me enough to jump, which earns weird glances from the other people around me. It’s Brooke, of course; she usually calls this time each day.

“Hi Tigger.”

“Hi you, what’s going on? Have you got Luke a birthday present? I’m kind of weirded out by this now, because I’ve never had to buy him a present as an ex-wife when my current boyfriend is with me,” she prattles, “And plus, the current boyfriend is Tim, which makes it just that much more awkward.”

“Let Tim pick out a gift that can be from both of you,” I suggest, walking briskly out towards my car, “That way you won’t have to feel weird about it. Why are you worrying about this now? You still have time.”

“No!” she exclaims, exasperation in her voice, “Tutor Mama, pay attention! I can’t do that, then Tim will think there’s like a reason I don’t want to be the one to pick out Luke’s gift, and then I’ll have to try and figure out what to say to him about it, and then there will be a whole big, dramatic mess, and maybe I don’t want to deal with that right now!”

I wait for her to finish, trying to contain my laughter. “Oh, Tigger, has anyone ever told you that you are completely insane?”

“Tim mentioned it last night,” she sighs, “God, why is this such a big deal? Why am I so worried all of a sudden what Tim thinks?”

“Because you love him and you don’t want to take chances on your relationship, which is perfectly reasonable,” I assure her, “But give Tim some more credit. He’s not going to analyze who or what is bought for Luke’s present. Guys don’t worry about that stuff like we do.”

“Well, what are you getting him?” she asks, “Maybe I can pilfer an idea from you.”

”You can’t steal my ideas!” I protest, laughing as I get in the car, “You’re more than capable of coming up with a gift on your own. Both you and Tim are!”

“Well, what’s Meredith getting him?” she asks, ridiculously nervous about it.

“Tigger, you’re being silly about this. Honestly, whatever you get will be fine, unless it is some sort of kinky sex toy.”

“Ooh, Haley James, bringing up sex toys!” she giggles, “I think you need to get some sugar if that’s what is on your mind!”

“Ugh, stop,” I groan, laughing with her, “I’m just fine, thanks.”

“You and Nathan jumped back in bed again?” she asks incredulously, “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!”

“Well, I didn’t tell you because there’s nothing to tell. We haven’t slept together since the night I got the job.”

“I’d ask why, but that’s what your therapist is for, right?”

“If you say so,” I smile to myself, “So, listen. Just get Luke something nice. Go to one of those bookstores that sell the first and second editions of the classics and get him something there. You know that he’d love something like that.”

“Yeah,” she agrees, mirth in her voice, “He always was a dork like that.”

“Don’t tell him that,” I remind her, “Last time I said something about that, I got an hour long lecture about how now that I was a mother, I needed to be thinking about the importance of literature and how it influences young minds.”

“Shut up,” she cracks up, “Oh, God, I’m going to give him such crap about that! He is such a putz sometimes.”

“Sometimes?” I grin, “Anyway, just get him a book. That’s easy, it’s not something that can be interpreted as anything other than a friendly gift, and he’ll love it.”

“Okay,” she agrees, “We can do that. So, is Nathan going to be making an appearance at the party or is he still doing his hide-a-Nathan thing?”

Rolling my eyes, I sigh. “I’m not sure. We haven’t talked about it much beyond me telling him that he really ought to come, you know?”

“So ask him!”

“Oh, like ask him out on a date?” I mutter sarcastically, rolling my eyes to myself.

“Well, sure, why not?” she agrees, and I can hear the laughter in her voice, probably at my expense, “Seriously, what’s holding you back?”

“If I ask him as a date thing, then there’s pressure on him to go,” I try and explain, “And I don’t want him to feel obligated or pushed.”

“Maybe it’s time someone pressured him,” she suggests, not rudely, just in a matter of fact tone, “Look, I know he’s having a tough time and all, but he still won’t talk to Luke. The only family member or person from his past that he’ll talk to aside from you and Mere is Dan, and that’s only because he has to because Dan baby-sits Mere.”

“Things are still really hard on him,” I defend, “And if he isn’t ready to see everyone, then something like a party isn’t the best place to start easing him back in.”

”Maybe it’s like ripping a band-aid off. Quick, one swift motion!” she offers, “Come on, Tutor Mama, think about it, okay?”

I don’t have to think about it because I know she’s right. Nathan’s hiding, and I’m letting him. The ground between us is littered with eggshells, and we’re both tiptoeing over them accordingly. Maybe it is time to start pushing him a little, getting him to leave his shell and start interacting with his family and our friends again.

“Yeah, I will think about it,” I agree, “I know that Luke would really love to have him there, and you’re right, he needs to start interacting with people again. I just don’t know if a party is a place to start it.”

“Maybe it isn’t,” she concedes, “And that’s perfectly understandable. But the same principle is still there, he ought to get out of that little rat hole that he calls an apartment and visit his family. Hey, we could have a dinner at my house next week for Luke, just the five of us. Lola, too, I guess, if Luke wanted, which I’m sure he would.”

“I’ll talk to Nathan,” I promise, “And see if I can’t maybe employ a little of the guilt method on him. You’re right, though, he can’t hide forever; he has to come out sometime.”

There’s a pause on the line, and I wonder if she’s taking a moment to hide her surprise that I’m agreeing with her. “Don’t push too hard, let this be something he does.”

“That’s a good bit of advice, Brooke Davis,” I smile to myself.

“Hey, I’m smarter than just another pretty face, you know,” she laughs, “So don’t be too surprised that I have moments, well, seconds, of wisdom.”

“You have a lot more than you give yourself credit for,” I tell her, not for the first time, “And I love that about you.”

“Who knew I could be humble, huh?” she jokes.

“Now that I didn’t know,” I tease, laughing, “Look, I’d better go, I’m at Nathan’s, and I’ve got to run in and grab Mere.”

“He still isn’t having her stay overnight yet?” she asks, surprised.

“Not yet,” I sigh, “He seems to think that it’s not a good idea, and besides, with me working, I don’t know if I’d want to be away from her at night, too.”

“Aw, you miss her, you miss being a stay at home mommy.”

“I miss her, but I don’t know about the staying home part. I do like my job an awful lot, but not seeing her like I used to is hard to take.”

“Okay, well, I’ll let you go so you can grab your daughter. I’ll see you tomorrow for lunch, right? 1:30 at Roberto’s?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you then. Go buy that present, too!”

“Yes, Mommy,” she mocks, “Okay, love you, Tutor Mama, I’ll see you later.”

We hang up, and I rush up the stairs to Nathan’s apartment, eager to see both of them. There’s no answer to my knock, so I get out my key and go in, surprised to find the place empty of both Nathan and Mere.

“Okay, odd,” I mutter to myself, looking around for a note he might have left to let me know where he was taking her.

There’s no note, so I call his cell phone, but that goes straight to voicemail. I don’t want to give in and panic, more than likely there’s no reason for that, but Nathan’s never not had her here when I’ve shown up before. In fact, aside from him picking her up at Dan’s after his sessions are over, they spend all their time here.

It makes me nervous. It’s a gut reaction, and there’s a basis for it, but I still feel awful about it. Like it’s doing some disservice to Nathan just by thinking that there’s something wrong, just because they aren’t here. His car isn’t in the parking lot, and a quick call to Dan confirms that Nathan did pick her up today. I even call the house just to make sure I didn’t have my wires crossed and they were meeting us there.

Deciding not to freak out about it, I wait. Not patiently, but I wait, pacing around the small apartment like a caged animal ready to spring the second the door is opened. Nervously wrapping my arms around myself, I can’t help but feel bad and guilty that I’m so terrified over them not being here. If this had happened in Seattle before I found out he was on drugs, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Hell, I’d have been glad to have some alone time.

“Nathan, where are you two?” I whisper aloud, practically bouncing with impatience and worry.

Fifteen minutes of waiting, and my phone finally rings, Nathan’s number shown on the display. “Nathan, where are you?”

“Hales, we’re at the ER!” My heart stops, I know it does. It had to have. “I was in the kitchen getting her a juice, and she managed to get up on the back of the couch and fall in that time,” he rushes out, easily recognized guilt present, “She just fell, it was so fast.”

“God. Are you at the hospital in Tree Hill?”

“Yeah, yeah, we are. In the ER. Come fast, okay? I – I’m a little freaked out here.”

”Nathan, calm down, it’ll be okay,” I insist to him, taking a few deep breaths of my own, “I’ll be right there, okay? I’m on my way out the door as we speak.”

I berate myself repeatedly on the drive there, running red lights the way Peyton used to when we were in high school, probably to piss me off, for not asking what kind of injuries she had. It didn’t even occur to me; once I heard ‘hospital’, my brain just shut down.

When I get there, I rush in, practically running a nurse over. Nathan is standing there, Mere tucked safely in his arms. Her face lights up when she sees me, and she holds her arms with a big smile on her face.

“Oh, my God, sweets!” I cry, taking her from him, “Hi baby, are you okay? Did you come to see the doctor?”

“She’s fine,” Nathan whispers in my ear, “Apparently, I overreacted. The doctor couldn’t even find a bruise.”

“Oh, Nathan,” I whisper back, “Oh, God, I was so – so…”

I can’t finish the sentence, but he nods, his hands on my shoulders stabilizing me as I press kisses all over Mere’s face. “I’m sorry for worrying you, baby,” he starts, “If I had known I was being an idiot, I wouldn’t have worried you. God, you must’ve been pissed that we weren’t there, huh?”

“Not pissed,” I sigh, calming myself down, “A little worried, though.”

“Yeah,” he nods, rubbing his hands over his face, “God, Hales, she fell, and it was just – just awful. She didn’t make a noise at first, and then she just started wailing.”

“Oh, boy. Did you make a big fuss over her before she started wailing?” I ask, sighing.

“Of course, God, it freaked me out!”

Biting my lip, I try not to laugh. It isn’t his fault he doesn’t know. “I’m sorry, I should’ve warned you. I figured that you’d already guessed it by now!”

“Guessed what? Why are you laughing? Haley James, this is not funny, not funny at all,” he scowls at me.

“Um, see, there’s this thing that she does,” I try to explain without laughing again, “When she falls, she’s usually fine. Like, 99% of the time, she’s just fine. But if you go over to her and make a big deal out of it, basically, if you panic, she does. She’ll throw a crying fit that will make you think she’s dying.”

“Oh. I see.”

He turns away from us, his face red. “Nathan, it’s okay. Better safe than sorry for her, right?” Grabbing his arm, I tug until he turns back around to face me. “Hey, it’s okay. If she’d been screaming like I imagine she was screaming, I’d have brought her in, too. You did the right thing.”

“I just feel like an idiot,” he sighs, “Come on, look at her. No cuts, no bumps, no bruises. I freaked out over nothing.”

“Hey,” I say softly, lifting a hand to cup his cheek, “It’s okay, Nathan. I wouldn’t have it any other way!”

“I really do feel stupid, though,” he sighs, but seems to accept the ‘better safe than sorry’ mentality, “How could I not know my daughter well enough to know when she’s being an overdramatic brat?”

I laugh at that, guiding him towards the automatic doors near the parking lots. “Come on, let’s get out of here. I hate these places.”

“Mmm, and that’s why you’ll promise me you’ll never be back in one these places, right?” I cajole, elbowing him softly in the ribs, “I like you much better when you’re able to go outside and you have color in your face.”

“And no tubes coming out every which way?”

“That, too,” I agree immediately, leaning my head on his shoulder as he wraps an around me, his other hand coming up to pat Mere on the back.

He looks down at Mere who is yawning away, probably happy to have both of us with her. “Why does she do it?”

“Attention? I don’t know, maybe when we make a big deal out of it, she thinks she should make a big deal? I usually just say ‘oops’ or ‘boom’ when she falls, and then she laughs and repeats it.”

“And is back up and running around like crazy, right?” he guesses, reaching over to take her, “You, munchkin, are going to drive me to an early grave.”

“Aw, sweets, you better take it easy on your old dad,” I laugh, my hand almost unconsciously moving to hook under the belt of Nathan’s jeans holding him close to me, “We want him around with us for a long, long time.”

He smoothes a hand down her back and then leans over and kisses me on the corner of my mouth. “Thank you for not telling me how bad I messed up. I appreciate that.”

“Hey, you didn’t mess up,” I smile at him, “You did what any concerned parent would’ve done. That’s perfect, Nathan.”

“She scared me,” he groans as we get to his car, loading Mere into her seat in the back, “I was so freaked, Hales.”

“I know,” I soothe, wrapping my arms around his waist, pressing close to him, “I know. And that’s what kids do, baby. They scare us, they make us go prematurely gray. Give us wrinkles or something.”

His arms are around me immediately, his hands finding my hips to pull me even closer to him. “Can I stay with you two tonight?”

Staring up at him with wide eyes, I nod. “I’d like that, Nathan. Mere would, too.”

Nodding, he drops his chin to rest on the top of my head. “I just want to be with you tonight, hold you.”

“Yeah, me too,” I agree, “Let’s just take your car home, and you can drop me off in the morning back here.”

“Okay,” he agrees, finally smiling at me, “Let’s go home.”

“Let’s go home.”

It isn’t far from the hospital to the house, and once we’re there, I send Nathan and Mere upstairs to get her bathed and into her jammies, and then I fix us a quick dinner since no one has eaten yet. They come back downstairs, and Nathan has finally started to look a little less shaken from the ordeal of taking her to the hospital.

I think it surprises him that I haven’t freaked out about this, but to tell the truth, I don’t want to. After all the problems we’ve had, this is such a small incident, and there was no harm done to any of us, so it is hard to be anything other than relieved. If I’d been in his shoes, I’m sure I’d be more upset, but it’s hard to get bent out of shape over something like this.

Once she’s in bed and Nathan’s watched her sleep long enough to be reassured that she really is fine, he comes into my room, sitting down at the end of the bed.

“You okay?”

He nods, lying back across the foot of the bed, looking up to where I’m leaning against the headboard, laptop open. Setting it on the table next to the bed, I crawl down, laying my head on his chest. His arm comes up to anchor me in place.

“I still feel stupid, but you were right about one thing, better safe than sorry.” He moves to a sitting position, so I follow him up, knowing he wants to talk now. “It – I didn’t need a reminder, you know? About what could’ve happened if she’d found the drugs in Seattle because I think about it all the time. But it was, seeing her lying there and then bursting into tears, it just – I couldn’t help but think of it as something else, as that.”

It’s hard to talk to him about this, because I don’t have the right thing to say, and I know it. And there must be a right thing, how could there not? But I don’t have it, and the risk of saying something wrong is there, right in front of my face, taunting me with the fear of it all. Can’t absolve him, but I can’t let him dwell in it, either.

“You know how I feel about the drugs being in the house,” I begin, rolling my eyes when he snorts in agreement, “Just like I know how you feel about it now. We shouldn’t forget those things; people who do are doomed to repeat the past, but we can’t dwell on them, either. I don’t want you to be miserable or afraid around Mere or me because of what’s happened before.”

“I don’t think I could forget even if I wanted to,” he admits, sighing, “Sometimes I wish I could, but most of the time I need it.”

“You need it?” I repeat, scared of what that means.

“Yeah, I can’t forget it. If I forget, if I let it go, then I’m a goner. I’ll be back where I was before rehab, only worse, statistics would tell you.”

”You’re not a statistic, Nathan, and you aren’t going to be one!” I argue adamantly, “And I’m not going to let you dwell on that either! We are both so young still, and we have our baby to think of. And I’m sorry, but if you think I’ll let you spend the rest of your life holding us at arm’s length because you’re afraid of living, you’re going to be surprised at what you’ve got coming.”

“That isn’t what I’m trying to do, Hales,” he sighs, “I don’t want to hold you back from me, neither of you. Maybe I just haven’t found a balance yet, where I can learn to live with what I did, live with what could’ve happened.” He looks over at me, intensity spilling off of him in rolling waves. “Why aren’t you mad at me anymore?”

“Where did being angry get me?” I ask rhetorically, “Where does being apart from you get me? Nowhere. It gets me nowhere. And that is not the place I want to be.”

He moves closer to me, leaning into me until I have no choice but to lie back on the bed. “And where is it that you want to be, Hales?”

“A place called Happy,” I answer, smiling widely at him as he comes over me.

“And where is that place?”

“It’s right here,” I smile at him, “Where it has always been. Where you are, where Mere is. That’s where Happy is, Nathan.”

“For me, too,” he admits, pressing me down into the mattress, “I love you both so damn much – I wish I could show you that, prove it.”

“Every day that you’re here with us, you’re proving exactly that. The thing is, though, that you don’t have to prove it, Nathan. You don’t, because we already know.”

“I want to prove it,” he insists, “I want you to never have to doubt that again, never doubt me again. I hate that I’ve made you live this life where you don’t know whether or not you can trust me, and you have to wonder if I’m on the up and up.”

“Then just prove it by being here and sober,” I implore him, “That’s all it takes. That’s all I need to know that you’re in this with me and Mere for the long haul.”

“I thought I’d lost you forever,” he admits, burying his face in the bare skin of my neck, “After everything I’ve done, I thought for sure you’d be gone. And I couldn’t have blamed anyone but myself, either, Haley. I know that.”

“I don’t want to play the blame game anymore,” I sigh, kissing his temple.

“You blame yourself,” he points out, “I know you do. I think it’s beyond ridiculous that you do, but it doesn’t change the fact that you do. So you can’t tell me not to blame myself when you’re blaming yourself.”

“Um, Nathan, there’s something I should tell you,” I sigh, my tone serious enough that he rolls off to the side, propping his head up on his elbow to look down at me. “I – I started seeing a therapist today.”

His eyebrows lift in surprise as he regards me, fear unmistakable in his expression. “You – you have? Why, Hales?”

“Because I need someone to talk to, someone who isn’t biased in any way. Like you said, there are things I blame myself for, and I think that I need to learn to let them go.”

He nods, smiling slightly. “Yeah, you do. Okay, so that is a good thing then?” he asks, nodding again, “That’s something we’re supposed to learn to do. Let go of our guilt. How do I do that, though? How do I let go of what might help keep me sober?”

“Are you sure the guilt isn’t more likely to drive you back out of sobriety?” I ask, only half kidding, “It’s such a heavy weight, Nathan. You have let go of the guilt and focus on all the reasons that you have not to fall back into that life again.”

He nods, his hand moving to rest on my belly. “I missed you. I miss you even now.”

“You see me every day, Nathan,” I point out, my eyes drifting closed as he lightly caresses me.

“It’s not the same, I miss being in a house with you. I miss being in bed with you, like this. I miss making you smile just because I made breakfast and got up with Mere so you didn’t have to,” he explains, leaning over to lightly kiss the skin his hand has been on, “I miss showering with you and making out when Mere is up in her room playing.”

“I miss those things, too,” I whisper, “So much.”

“I want them back, I want you back.”

“I’m here,” I admit, even though I don’t know if I’m fully ready, I can’t help myself. He’s offering, asking to come back in, and there is no way in hell I’m saying no now. “Come back to us, move in here, Nathan.”

“Really?” he asks, lifting his head to look me in the eye, hope written all over his face. “I – I’d like that. So much.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh, God, yeah,” he laughs, shifting to press his lips to mine, “I’m ready to be back here fulltime with you and Mere. It’s all I want, Hales.”

“Then you can have it,” I promise him, clasping his face between my hands, “You have us both, and we’re here and we want you with us.”

“This isn’t rushing for you?” he asks, sighing, “I don’t want to push you, Haley J. I want this to be something that you’re comfortable with and ready for. If you aren’t, tell me, it’s okay. I’ll still be here when you are.”

Brushing my lips against his, I smile widely at him. “Nathan, I never wanted you to move into that apartment. It was for the best, and I do know that, but it wasn’t what I wanted.”

“You want me here to keep an eye on me?” he asks, teasing.

”Yeah, I want my eyes on you whenever you walk naked out of the shower,” I smirk, willing to play with him right now, “And when you’re sleeping naked, and when you’re – “

“So, is that a condition or something?” he grins, “That I have to spend most of my time here with you naked? That’s fine now, but in a few years, I think Mere will have a problem with that.”

“Guess it’s a good thing we have our own room,” I mumble, rolling onto my side to face him, “And that she has her own room, too.”

“So, were you ever going to ask if I’d go to Luke’s birthday party, or do you have a hot date with someone else?” he asks, surprising me.

“How – how did you – are you serious?”

“Dad told me,” he smiles, laughing at the off-guard expression on my face. “What, we talk a little bit! Okay, okay, he talks, and I usually listen.”

“Uh huh,” I murmur, watching his face, “And are you fishing for an invitation? Are you sure this is something you want to go to? Your whole family will be there, including your mom. Family that you haven’t spoken with in months.”

“You make it sound like it’s a bad thing that I’m willing to face them,” he says, looking slightly hurt at the idea.

”It isn’t that at all,” I assure him, “It’s just that this is going to be a party, with lots going on, and everyone is going to want a piece of you. I guess I figured you might want to ease in.”

“You can’t protect me forever, baby,” he smiles, “Come on, I can do this. When I pick up Mere tomorrow, I’ll – I’ll try and say more than two words to Dad, okay? That’s a start, right? And I don’t know, maybe I can call Luke.”

“He’d like that,” I smile softly, “They would both really like that, Nathan. And think about your mom, too.”

“She’s the one I’m least eager to think about,” he sighs, “She’s crossed the line, Haley. That’s not okay.”

“She’s still your mother, and she still loves you,” I remind him, “I think you’d be better off if you let yourself admit that and maybe let her in some.”

“I don’t know how,” he sighs, “You know, we got close there for awhile. But then it was the same again, she never showed an interest, never made herself available to me, and now she thinks she has some entitlement to my life. Well, she doesn’t, okay? She just doesn’t.”

Nodding, I decide that this is a case where I should take my wins where I can get them, and be glad that he’s considering making the effort with Dan and Luke. It’s a big step for him, something I know will be hard, and that he’s willing to do it is big for him.

“Maybe we can invite Luke over for dinner tomorrow night,” I suggest, “He’d like that, I think, and Mere and I would love spending time with both of you.”

Smiling at me gratefully, he nods. “Maybe we could really make it a double whammy and have Dad over, too. Two birds with one stone?”

”If you want, of course,” I agree immediately, gladdened by the response, “We can absolutely do that.”

He nods, “Maybe it’ll be easier to face them together than separately. And I owe them some explanations and thanks and definitely some apologies.”

“For helping you in Vegas?”

“For that,” he agrees, “But also for taking care of you when I was messed up, and for helping you with everything. For not making you go through it alone.” He leans over, kissing me. “So, therapy, really? It any good?”

“Yes, it seems good so far,” I laugh as he tickles my side, “Nathan, stop!”

“Sorry, can’t seem to stop touching you,” he grins, looking younger and more relaxed than he has in so many months now, “I just can’t keep my hands off of you, Haley James.”

“Who said I wanted you to?” I tease, pulling him closer to me.

“This is a very good thing,” he laughs.

I could not agree more.

~*~Mid October, 2013~*~

“Are you sure taking her is such a good idea?” Nathan asks, still doubtful about this even though we agreed we didn’t want to have to leave her with a stranger tonight, even if it is a stranger that Karen and Keith trust to watch Eric normally.

“Yeah, she’ll be fine. Seriously, Nathan, you will get such a kick out of the way she follows Eric around. I’m telling you, she worships him. It’s the cutest thing ever.”

Nodding, he leans over to kiss me, but I shake my head, holding him away. “What?” he pouts, “I don’t mind a little lipstick.”

“I’ve had to redo it four times already, thanks to you,” I grin, drumming my fingers lightly on his lips, “I’d rather not have to redo it again now before we go.”

“We could just sack the plans and stay home,” he suggests, only half meaning it, “I’ll even let you pick some lame girly movie, and then we could take a bath together. You love that.”

“Nathan,” I growl, pressing my lips to his, lipstick be damned, “Stop torturing me!”

His hands wander down my sides to cup my rear, lifting me towards him. “Who’s torturing who now?”

“You,” I moan, “You’re still torturing me!”

“Well, if you want me to stop,” he offers, smirking at me, “I guess I could. Just for you, of course.”

Just as I’m about to tell him no way in hell do I want him to stop, Meredith comes skipping in the room, Sammy, her puppy, hot on her heels. Nathan groans, letting me slide down his body until I’m on my feet.

“Go!” Meredith enthuses, trying to pick the squirming dog up.

”Merry, put Sammy down,” Nathan tells her, “She’s too big to pick up, munchkin.”

“I wanna hold her,” she insists, her hands on her hips as she frowns up at him, “Daddy, hold Sammy!”

“No, Meredith,” he says firmly, ignoring her when the frown turns into a pout, “Did you brush your teeth yet?”

“Ouch,” I whisper to him, trying not to laugh, “Denied the dog and told to brush teeth. You’re strict, Daddy.”

“No, help!” Mere answers, pouting at him.

“Okay, come on, midget – you know, Hales, I really think she’s going to have your height, no basketball star in this one,” he sighs dramatically, picking her up and holding her over his head.

“So sorry,” I laugh sarcastically, “We’ll have to do better next time.”

He smirks at that, dropping her down onto the bed, giggling her head off as she bounces. “Next time, huh?”

“I, uh, well, yeah, maybe. Right? There could be a next time, if we wanted there to be one, right?” I press, curious.

“There should be a next time,” he agrees, “Um, but not now, okay? I – I still need to get through this. Maybe after awhile, we can talk about not using protection and seeing what happens.”

“Yeah, we already know what happens in that case,” I laugh, gesturing towards Mere who is jumping up and down, the puppy running around her in circles.

“Oh, God, remember when you told me?” he groans, “How you kept from hitting me, I still haven’t figured out.”

“Me neither,” I reply cheerfully, shaking my head as Mere throws herself at Sammy, who jumps out of the way.

”Good thing that dog is a quick learner,” Nathan sighs before turning back to the subject, “Yeah, I was a jerk about that. Did I ever apologize?”

“Only about a thousand times,” I smile, wrapping my arms around his waist, “But if you wanted to try making it up to me again, I wouldn’t mind.”

He laughs at that, grabbing Mere under his arm and making his way towards her bathroom. “I’m sure you wouldn’t,” he winks.

While he’s helping her brush her teeth and finish getting dressed for the party, I throw the rest of my makeup on and then get dressed myself. I’m not nervous about the party, per se, but there is a small part that worries how Nathan will do with such a large group of people. From what Brooke says, a whole lot of people are going to be there tonight, including a few that I never anticipated seeing again.

No one will behave out of line, I’m sure, and in fact, the person I’m most worried about is Deb. Nathan still is not interested in conversing with her at all, and she’s more than likely to use this as an opportunity to corner him, which could get ugly. Dan, as well as Keith and Karen, have already promised to try and run interference with her.

“Hey, you look gorgeous,” Nathan calls from the doorway, Mere in his arms, both of them smiling widely at me, “Let’s go already. Munchkin here wants to go.”

“Yeah, I’m sure she’s the impatient one,” I laugh, grabbing my purse and walking towards them.

Lola had asked Karen and Deb about having the party at one of the cafés, and of course, they agreed immediately. Karen really likes Lola, and for reasons that she’s not even sure she can put into words, is more comfortable with this relationship than she was with Brooke and Lucas’s marriage. I think it is probably because Luke and Lola are actually taking things slowly and not rushing into engagements or marriage or even sleeping together. According to Brooke, on that last one.

Mere is bouncing around in her seat the whole way there, completely excited at the prospect of a party for her Uncle Luke. I’m not sure if she completely gets the concept of a party, but Nathan promised her lots of junk food, so she’s happy. It doesn’t take much.

~*~

“She is so your daughter,” Nathan smirks at me, “Look at her, she can’t sit still and she barely ever shuts up. She can babble almost as well as you!”

“Hey!” I laugh, reaching over to smack him, “I can’t believe you’re calling me out for my rambling habits! I’ve gotten better about that over the years, for your information.”

“Yeah, but an improvement in that area is like going from nuclear to rocket-fueled,” he teases, feinting away when I reach out to smack him.

“Nathan, you are such a pain sometimes,” I laugh, shaking my head, “I can’t believe you!”

“Oh, don’t pretend like you don’t like it,” he smirks, “Come on, you know you think I’m sexy and you want me!”

“What does that have to do with you being a pain?”

Thinking about it for a moment, he just grins. “Hell if I know. Come on, let’s get in there before the birthday boy shows up and we miss seeing how embarrassed he is when he realizes he had no clue what’s going on.”

“You are really looking forward to that, aren’t you?”

He grins hugely, “Hell yeah. He stopped by yesterday, you know? Whined about how no one was remembering his birthday or bothering to do anything about it. He’s going to feel like such a jackass.”

“Be nice tonight,” I warn him, laughing, “It’s his birthday, after all!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he nods, “Let’s get in there. I want a good spot away from my mother.”

“Nathan, you be nice to her, too. Please, for me and Mere,” I plead, turning puppy dog eyes on him. It would work better if Mere knew to do that, but this could work, too.

“Stop,” he laughs, “I’ll be polite when I tell her to back off. Not that I think she’ll listen. I’ll try, though.”

“Thank you,” I smile at him, getting out of the car, “Hopefully she’ll behave better than trying to cause a scene just because you’re here.”

He gives me a dubious look as he gets Mere out of her safety seat. “Good luck with that one. When has she ever shied away from scenes?”

“When have you?” I retort, smirking at him.

“Oh, Merry, we have to get your mommy!” He grabs the small bag of books and toys we packed for her in case she gets bored being spoiled by Brooke and Karen, and comes running at me. When they reach me, he pulls me into his arms, leaning down and nuzzling my neck. “I’ll get you later,” he whispers.

“Promise?”

“Oh, yeah.”

We walk across the street to the café together, and as soon as she’s set down, Mere runs over to Dan. Nathan just rolls his eyes, but shrugs at my look and leans down to kiss me. Once she’s said what she deems a sufficient greeting to him, he sets her down and she runs over to Karen.

Lola is standing with her family, which is something that I immediately set to pretending like I don’t notice. It’s been a long time, but there is still a distinct lack of comfort on my part towards seeing them again. So, this time, I’ll just take the easy way out and ignore their existence for the night. Cowardly maybe, but also way easier.

“She’s lucky, Nathan, to have so many people that love her like this.”

He nods. “I know. Hey, but how could they not, right? She’s one of the most loveable people I’ve ever known.”

“Oh, yeah? What other loveable people do you know?” I ask at him, waving to Brooke who is spastically trying to get my attention.

“Definitely you,” he smiles, leaning down to pull me into his arms.

“Thank you,” I smile back at him, pulling away, “Brooke’s going to give Tim a black eye; let’s go see what she wants.”

“Tutor Mama, come here,” she growls impatiently when we get over to them. Tim just shrugs when she grabs my arm, dragging me to the kitchen.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I laugh, shaking out of her grip. “God, when did you get so strong?”

“You try wrestling hundred and fifty pound dogs around to give them their shots, and then we’ll talk about where the muscles come from,” she mutters, hands on her hips.

“Okay, so you dragged me in here, what’s wrong now?”

“Hello!” she exclaims, wildly gesticulating with her hands, per usual, “Did you see who is out there? Um, your almost mother-in-law and oh, you know, your almost husband?”

Sighing, I glare at her. “Yes, thank you, Captain Obvious, I had suddenly gone blind between the car and the door to the café. What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is – well, I don’t know what it is,” she admits with a small laugh, “I don’t know. I guess maybe it’s awkward?”

“It’d be a lot less awkward if you weren’t making a big deal out of it,” I reason, reaching around her to grab a carrot stick, “Besides, let’s just let me ignore things and focus on making sure Deb doesn’t try and corner Nathan with words about how horrible I am for denying him his mommy. She’s really getting on my nerves.”

“She’s still playing the bitch card, huh?”

“Oh, yeah. Now I get why he’s so pissed at her. Ever since he moved in with me and Mere, she’s constantly calling and leaving messages, usually snide remarks about me trying to keep her away from her family.”

“Hello, is she stupid?” Brooke mutters, “Everyone knows that you and Nathan have that built in kamikaze, fuck you up if you mess with him/her thing. Does she not get that?”

Shrugging, I just smirk at her. “First of all, it isn’t like that.” At her look, I continue, “What? It isn’t! Anyway, second of all, she’s just out of it with worry for him. And part of that is my fault. I took Dan and Luke with me when I went back to Seattle and then Vegas. She probably just feels like I shut her out of things.”

“She still has no right to treat you like crap, though. God, you’ve done so much right by her son so many damn times over the years, and she acts like you should get no say in his life,” she gripes, “That just pisses me off.”

“Well, it pisses me off, too,” I admit, “But the thing is, I can understand. Maybe it’s a mom thing, but I do understand a little bit where she’s coming from. She just wants to know that he’s okay, and for her, the only way to know that for sure is to see him.”

“Can I play bouncer tonight?” she offers, “You know, if she starts some shit, I get to kick her out? I could really go for that. And I think I’m best equipped, considering that I am the one wrestling dogs on a regular basis.”

“Don’t believe that,” Tim chimes in from behinds us, “She has Sven to do that.”

“Sven?” I repeat, laughing as Tim sweeps me up in a hug, “Hey Smith, how are you, darling?”

“I’m good, shorty, I brought a present for Mere.”

“Okay, it’s not her birthday,” I remind him, rolling my eyes, “And if it’s candy, you aren’t giving it to her.”

“I’ll just ask Nathan then,” he counters, winking at me.

“Brat,” I mumble, shaking my head, “So, who is this Sven? And why do you say his name like you hate him?”

“Sven is one of my assistants!” Brooke exclaims, “And Tim thinks he’s a worthless beefcake, and he treats him like crap. Goes out of his way to do it, too. So annoying.”

“Aw, Timmy boy, are you jealous of a guy name Sven?” I tease.

“Just for that, I’m definitely going through Nathan to give your daughter the candy. And I’ll make sure she eats it all tonight and is on a nice sugar high for you to take her home with.”

Brooke smacks him on the back of the head. “Hello boyfriend, forget what we’re talking about here? Your irrational hatred of Sven?”

“Okay, that’s it, I’ll just leave you two to work out this little melodrama on your own, and go say hi to everyone else.”

“Except the everyones that you are ignoring, right?” Brooke taunts.

“Bite me, Davis.”

”Oh, don’t tempt me, Tutor Girl, you know I can bring the kinky.”

“You disturb me!” I call over my shoulder, “And Tim, stop looking so turned on, you big perv!”

Laughing as I walk out, I can hear her smacking him and him protesting, claiming innocence. Karen nabs me the second I walk out, pulling me into a hug.

“Honey! I haven’t seen you – any of you – in over a week! What have you been doing with yourself?” she exclaims, kissing me on the cheek, “I miss my girls.”

“We miss you, too,” I assure her, waving at Mere and Nathan who are sitting with Keith and Eric now over by the door, “I’ve just been working on a project that finally finished up this week, and I’ve spent the time since crashing.”

“How’s the job going?” she asks.

“It’s so great. I’ve worked for a few places now since graduating, and this is the best firm so far. It’s really flexible hours-wise, as long as you meet the deadlines, and I can work from home sometimes, too,” I smile, looking down when Mere tugs on my skirt. Leaning down to pick her up, I kiss her cheek. “What’s up, buttercup?”

She giggles at me. “Where Aunt Bwooke?”

“She’ll be out soon, sweets,” I promise her, rolling my eyes at Karen who nods understandingly. From her own experiences with Brooke and Eric, she knows exactly how likely Brooke can be to spoil kids.

“I’m glad that this job is working out for you so well. How’s everything else?” she asks, always careful.

“Everything else is pretty good,” I smile, kissing Mere again, “It’s getting good, at least. We’re settling into things.”

“That’s good,” she smiles back at me, “Here, let me take this one to see Aunt Brooke, and not only because I want to make sure Aunt Brooke isn’t making out against my stoves.”

Laughing, I pass her Mere to her before going over to sit with Dan. He smiles at me, offering to fix me a drink. Declining, I sit down on the stool beside him.

“He looks good,” he remarks, nodding towards Nathan who is still talking with Eric and Keith, “I’m sure we have you to thank for that.”

“I don’t know about that, but he definitely looks good, doesn’t he?” I grin, “It’s not always easy, but it’s getting there.”

“He’s sticking with everything, the treatment program?” he asks quietly.

“Yeah, he’s amazing at that,” I nod, proud of how well Nathan is doing with everything, “He’s down to once a week meetings, but he’s going to NA every day. Some of the court stuff is coming up soon, though. We’ll see how that goes.”

“It’ll go fine. From what he’s said, he’s ready to take whatever punishment he gets, and go from there. He’s stronger, Haley. Stronger than I’ve ever seen him.” He shakes his head. “It’s hard to think that this was something he had to go through to get to this point, though.”

“You’re telling me,” I agree, sighing, “But you’re right, he is stronger. He’s doing really well. I’m proud of him.”

“Oh, he’s coming!” Lola squeals, holding a phone in her hands, “He’s like two blocks away, we have to hide now! Behind the counter and tables, everyone!”

Dan rolls his eyes, smirking at me, but stands up, moving around the counter. I go over where Nathan is with Keith and Eric, crouching behind the table with them. Brooke comes out with Tim and Mere, joining us.

“Tim gave her Pixie Sticks,” Brooke gleefully tattles, “Those things are just colored sugar, you know!”

“Brooke!” Tim snaps, glaring at her.

“Tim!” I gasp, “I told you not to give her sugar!”

“Hales, it’s a party,” Nathan reasons, “A few Pixie Sticks isn’t going to hurt anyone. She’s just having fun.”

“You’re staying up with her, then,” I inform him, “And then, tomorrow, when she’s cranky because she didn’t get enough sleep, you can fight with her, too.”

“Ouch,” Tim mutters, throwing Nathan a pitying look, “Bummer, man.”

“Tim will be over first thing to help out,” Brooke smiles sweetly at me before glaring at Tim, “You know, as penance for his part in the sugar high.”

“Good call, Tigger!” I grin, Keith laughing at our antics.

“Shh, he’ll be here any second!” Lola commands, her voice shaky with nerves. She’s right, about three seconds later, he walks through the doors, and everyone jumps out, screaming ‘happy birthday’ at him and setting off noisemakers. Mere covers her ears, tears springing to her eyes at the volume, and she starts wailing.

Luke jumps about a foot in the air, and Lola throws her arms around him. He reciprocates the hug, looking genuinely surprised and happy by the hoopla.

“Aw, sweets,” I murmur, smiling apologetically at everyone as Nathan and I try and shush her, “It’s okay, Mere.”

“Hey Merry berry, come see Daddy,” Nathan offers, taking her and brushing her bangs off her forehead, “Come on, let’s go find Grandma Karen, I bet she has some juice.”

Sighing, I lean my head on Tim’s shoulder. “That’s a first,” he comments.

“First what?”

“First time I’ve seen her freak like that,” he explains, “Usually she’s so calm and easy going. I guess the noise was too much for her.”

“The Pixie Sticks probably didn’t help either,” Brooke teases him.

“Hey! I said I was sorry about that!” he groans, “Is this going to hang over my head forever?”

“You never said sorry!” I exclaim, smacking him. Luke wanders over at that moment, throwing an arm around both Brooke and me. “Happy birthday, freak!”

“Hey, watch who you’re calling names,” he smiles, “So, big mouth James actually managed to keep a surprise a secret, I’m impressed!”

Keith rolls his eyes, pulling Luke into a hug. “You know, after over fifteen years and countless wounds, you’d think the two of you would start acting like adults at some point.”

“Why would we do that?” Luke asks, genuinely puzzled, “If I can’t be a big dork with Hales, then who can I be a big dork with?”

“You’re definitely a big dork,” Tim agrees, shaking his head.

“Takes one to know one,” Luke retorts, about to say something else when Brooke claps her hand over his mouth.

“Okay, this is clearly going places better suited to Eric and his friends, so let’s try and behave like grown-ups for a little bit, shall we?” she admonishes them.

“Yeah, fine,” Luke agrees, shifting his weight between his feet. Brooke and I glance at each other, shrugging.

”Um, Lukie, why you so nervous?” I ask him.

“I have to meet Lola’s family,” he whispers, grabbing me by the arm and dragging me behind the counter, “What if they hate me?”

“I don’t know anyone who has ever hated you,” I reason, “Oh, except Brooke after you screwed her over with Peyton. That was way back in high school, though, so I’m sure no one has hated you since.”

“Thank you, reassuring,” he mutters, looking around nervously. “She’s got an older brother. I’ve never dated a girl with family that might want to kill me.”

“Luke, stop it, you’re being stupid.”

“No, I’m not!” he whispers, “This is not fair! She sprung this on me, I should’ve had time to prepare for a meeting like this, not just have it jumped on me at a freaking surprise party!”

“Okay, you’re being an idiot,” I assure him, patting his arm, “They’re going to love you. Everyone always loves you, Luke. Just calm down, go find Lola, and get it over with!”

Groaning, he shakes his head. “I can’t, I don’t know why, but I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” I insist, turning to look when Luke starts grinning at someone over my shoulder, “Oh, hey, sweets, did Daddy make you feel better?”

She nods her head, going willingly to Luke when he holds out his arms for her. “Happy birfday!” she grins at him.

“Okay, I feel better now,” he grins, taking her with him as he wanders off to make rounds, leaving me semi-alone with Nathan.

“So, that was not a fun one,” he sighs, smiling at me when I move to lean against him, “She needed a longer nap this afternoon.”

“She’s fine now,” I smile, happy to a few seconds with just him, “Your mom just got here. She’s staring at us, too.”

“Yeah, thanks for bringing the good news,” he groans, dropping his head down so his forehead rests on mine, “You sure she sees us?”

“Oh, yeah, she’s coming this way. You know, maybe if you play nice, then things won’t be so bad this time,” I suggest, laughing when he growls low in my ear.

“And then again, Hell might freeze over,” he suggests glibly.

“It’s your brother’s birthday,” I remind him, reaching around to squeeze his ass before stepping out of his hold, “Play nice, honey.”

He nods, pulling me back to him. “Stay here with me,” he orders, “I want to hear everything she says to you.”

Nodding, I stay by his side as she approaches, actually having the good graces to be looking nervous about this.

“Hi, Nathan, Haley,” she greets quietly, looking between us nervously.

“Mom,” he responds coldly, causing her to flinch, “If you’re here to attack Haley, you should just leave. Neither of us have anything to say to you.”

She looks down at the floor, actually looking a fair bit contrite. “That’s not what I want,” she sighs, “I – it’s actually time I apologized, don’t you think?”

“I mean it,” he warns her again, “You have no cause to do anything to hurt Haley. And I swear, and you know this is no joke, I’ll choose her every time, Mom. Every single time.”

“You think I don’t know that?” she snaps back, still quiet enough that we aren’t drawing a scene, “You think I haven’t known that since you were sixteen and you chose to go to her after leaving the hospital that night? Without even letting me know you were okay? Do you think I’m so foolish that I don’t get that?”

“Listen,” I interrupt, “This is not the time, nor the place, for starters, and also, I think you both need to talk without me around. But if you want to do that now, then I’d suggest stepping outside or going up on the roof.”

Nathan glances down at me, nodding. “She’s right, this isn’t the place. We’ll go outside.” He glances around the room. “Is Mere still with Lucas?”

“Probably,” I nod, knowing that if she’s not with him, she’s found someone else to carry her around and treat her like a little princess, “I’ll find her.”

“Thank you,” Deb murmurs to me as I step past them. I nod at her in acknowledgement.

Looking around for Mere, I’m surprised to spot her holding Lola’s hand as Lola apparently introduces her and Luke to Lola’s family, including Jason. Sighing, I decide to let her be, knowing the other option is to look like a lunatic if I swoop in there to grab her. Tim comes up beside me, raising an eyebrow at me when he spots what I’m watching.

“Huh, so that’s a little awkward, huh?” he notes.

“A little? Lola is one thing; I’ve gotten used to her being around. But your aunt still has this amazing ability to make me feel guilty just by breathing the same air as her, Marissa once hit me, and well, you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” he laughs, shrugging off the look I give him, “Come on, James, it’ll be fine. Luke’s there with her.”

“I know,” I sigh, “I’m not worried they’ll run off with her. It’s just weird. And I hate it when things are weird.”

“You’re a wuss,” he teases me, elbowing me in the ribs before grabbing my hand and dragging me out to the middle of the restaurant and pulling me to him to dance.

“What are you doing?” I laugh, blushing a little.

“Making you dance with me,” he grins.

“Mama!” Mere squeals, and I have no choice but to turn and wave to her, now in Gina’s arms.

“Shouldn’t you be dancing with Brooke?” I ask him, turning away from Mere as she giggles at something Luke says to her, “You know Brooke, 5’6”, a real bitch when snubbed, your best friend slash girlfriend?”

“Speaking of,” he grins, “What would you suggest for a scenario if I were to propose to her around Christmas?”

”What?” I shriek, this time definitely loud enough to draw the attention of everyone in the room.

“Shut up!” he hisses, grabbing me by the arm and dragging me outside, “God, they’re going to think I was propositioning you or something!”

“Well, God, Tim, that would’ve shocked me less!” I complain, still so surprised I can barely function, “You don’t just drop something like that on me without easing in!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that it would be such a freaking surprising thing!” he yells back, shaking his head, “Does that mean you think it’s a bad idea? Oh, God, does that you mean you think that Brooke will think it’s a bad idea? You can tell me, just let me have it. Fast, tell me fast, okay? I can’t stand the suspense.”

“No, Tim, I think Brooke will be over the moon about it!” I grin, suddenly getting over the shock to share in the excitement, “Oh, my God, this is so great!”

“Okay, see, now you’re squealing. You sound like Brooke, or Meredith even.”

“Yes, this is exciting! Hey, did you just compare my daughter to Brooke?” I laugh, jumping up and down, “Oh, my, Tim, this is amazing! She’s going to love it that you’re doing this.”

“You really think she’ll say yes?” The temptation to tease him is there, but he looks so earnest and nervous about this that I don’t have it in me.

“Tim,” I smile, becoming serious, “She’ll be so happy.”

“Okay, good, that’s good,” he grins, leaning over to pull me into a hug, “So, you’ll help me set up some big, romantic thing? You know how she likes big and romantic things.”

“Yeah, I do,” I agree, sitting down on a bench, patting it so that he sits down too, “Can you believe how grown up we all are?”

“Pretty surprising, huh?”

“Sometimes, in some ways,” I agree, “We’ve all got jobs and relationships and we’re just all grown up.”

“It had to happen sooner or later, didn’t it?” he smiles, “I mean, I couldn’t stay the dopey sidekick I was when you and Brooke first let me adopt you. You and Brooke had some growing up to do, too, just in different ways.”

“Yeah, we all did,” I agree, “Probably still do in some ways. So, what is your take on how I had to grow up? And have I done it?”

“Yeah, you definitely have,” he smiles, “You had to learn how to go for what you wanted. Hell, you had to learn to accept that what your heart wanted was the right thing even before that. You’re a fighter now, you know that?”

“I guess I had to be,” I muse, smiling slightly at him, “After everything with Nathan, I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Then one day, I just knew that I couldn’t live without him, and that it was my place and my job to fight for him, to fight for us. And somehow, I even knew how to do it, too.”

“I’m proud of you, James. You haven’t been in an enviable position for awhile now, but you’ve really held things together. It wasn’t always easy, we all saw that, but you did it. Do you have any idea how much it counts that you just did it?”

“Thanks,” I whisper, choking up from his words.

”It’s true, babe. You know, this probably sounds dumb, but we could almost see the change the second you decided that no matter what had happened, Nathan was going to be yours again. It was like this resolve in you just rose to the top.” He grins. “We all knew he didn’t stand a chance after that.”

Laughing, I lay my head on his shoulder. “I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t live without him. And he loves me, and you know how much I love him, how much I’ve always loved him. In the end, it just didn’t matter what happened in Vegas. Some of the things that have happened between us matter, and we’ll have to talk about those sometime, but I want him as my life.”

“And to have that, you had to let some of the things go.”

“Yeah,” I nod, “Because I have to help him let them go. You know how powerful guilt is, and he literally hates himself for some of the things he did. And his is worse and stronger than mine, so I had to be the one who let it go enough to help him.”

“What made you realize it?”

“I was just so miserable without him,” I sigh, “All along I’ve wanted to help him, get him well again, but when he got out of rehab and moved into his own place, it sort of hit me how much I had wanted him home with us.”

“I’m glad you didn’t take forever to realize it, for both of your sake.”

“Oh, God, me too,” I laugh, both of us turning when the door behind us open. It’s Jason, holding Meredith. It's a slightly odd sight, and I have to fight to keep my surprise from showing. “Hi sweets!”

“Hi Mama,” she grins, holding her arms out towards me, “I pway airplanes!”

“You did?” I gasp, laughing at her beaming expression, “Well, that sounds like fun. Were you a good girl for a change, you little monster?”

“She was very good,” Jason says, mustering a smile for me as he moves to stand on the curb in front of us, “She’s a sweet girl, Haley.”

“Thanks,” I smile, never not thrilled to get compliments about Mere, “I like to think she has a few good moments, huh, baby?”

“I good, Mama!” she insists so solemnly that I have to fight not to laugh at her, “Daddy say so!”

“Yeah, I know what your daddy says,” I smile, “And you are a good girl. You’re my sweet baby, aren’t you?” Looking up at Jason, I decide to stop being such a chicken shit and just be polite. Ignoring him by focusing on Mere is totally the coward’s way out. “How’ve you been, Jason?”

He has a knowing look on his face, but is polite enough to not call me out. “I’m pretty good, thanks. Nothing to complain about.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“And you’ve obviously been good. Can’t have a kid that cute without being at least mostly good, right?”

“She’s a blessing,” I agree, “Even on our not so great days.”

“She never has a bad day!” Tim defends her, earning a smile from Mere and an eyeroll from me, “She doesn’t know what I’m saying, but she knows it’s good.”

“You people are going to spoil her beyond recognition,” I sigh when he pulls a sucker out of his jacket pocket, “Tim, Brooke was serious about you coming over tomorrow so you and Nathan can nurse her through the sugar hangover!”

“Tim the babysitter?” Jason laughs, “That’s a sight I have trouble seeing.”

“Hey, I’m a good babysitter,” Tim defends, “Mere loves visiting her Uncle Timmy, don’t you, my precious little babycakes?”

Jason just shakes his head at the baby talk, but I smack him on the arm. “Brooke will kill you if she finds out that you’ve got pet names for Mere, but not her,” I warn him.

“Please, Brooke would trade me for her in a second and a half flat!” Tim laughs, “There’s no competition. I call first dibs, though. What do you say, kiddo? Want to go home with Uncle Timmy? I’ll buy you a pony!”

She looks blankly at him. “She knows horsey, Tim,” I explain, “And if I come home one day to find that you put ponies or horsies on her brain so bad that she talks Nathan into buying her one, I’ll do what Brooke threatened you with a long, long time ago.”

He pales at the threat, piquing Jason’s curiosity. “What the hell did she threaten you with, man?”

“Stringing me up by the balls,” he sighs, putting his hands over Mere’s ears.

“Oh, shit, I remember that,” Jason laughs.

Shaking my head, I stand up. “Well, we’re going to head inside. See you guys later.”

“Later James, later babycakes,” Tim calls, blowing Mere a kiss.

“See you, Haley.”

“Bye.”

Well, that was certainly odd, but not totally uncomfortable. Maybe time does heal more than one would imagine sometimes. Luke comes over to us as we walk through the door.

“Where you been?” he chides, “You’re missing the party! We can’t have that, can we, Meredith Ryan?”

“I was out front talking to Tim,” I laugh, “Didn’t you see him drag me out like the place was on fire or something?”

“Oh, yeah, what’s up with that?”

“I’ll tell you later,” I grin, unable to help myself, “Now is so not the time.”

He leans down closer. “He going to ask her to marry him?”

“How’d you know?” I gasp.

“Just a hunch.”

“Damn, a good one!”

“What can I say, the birthday boy is a smart one,” he grins, “Wow, so when’s that going down?”

“Christmas-ish,” I shrug, “I don’t know, he just roped me into helping him think of something big and befitting of Brooke’s grand designs.”

“That’s good, I’m glad for them. It’s still a little weird that they’re together, but it’s good. They’re both happier than I’ve ever seen them,” he notes, nodding to where they’re talking to Nathan, who has just returned from the rooftop talk with Deb.

“They are,” I agree, setting Mere down so she can run to Nathan, “They’re both really happy. And you, are you happy?”

“I could be,” he shrugs, “If you’re asking what I think you’re asking.”

“So, this thing with Lola is more than just a thing, then,” I decide, “It’s something. How’d meeting the family go?”

“Yeah. Well, God, how could it not be?” he asks, “We’ve been dating for three months now, and we’ve been hanging out with Brooke and Tim longer than that. I like her, Hales. A lot. And her family seems cool. I guess you know that, though. You just know the bad parts, too.”

“Okay!” I return, holding my hands up, “I wasn’t meaning it like I thought it was a bad thing. I was just curious, that’s all.”

“You know it’s important to me what you think,” he sighs, “And I know that there’s the whole ‘thing’, so I wasn’t sure what you really thought of it all.”

“Ugh, Luke, come on, I’m so over that. Honestly, it barely even registers, and when I see her, especially when she’s with you, I don’t think of her as the bitchy girl who treated me like crap – not necessarily wrongly, either – because I dumped her brother at the altar.” I shrug, ignoring the smirk on his face. “I just see her as the girl who makes you smile.”

“Thanks,” he grins, leaning down and kissing me on the cheek.

“Hey, don’t you have your own girl around here somewhere?” Nathan gripes, his arm wrapping around my shoulder, “How you swung that, I still don’t know, but I know you have one.”

“Yeah, I do,” he grins, “And I think I’ll go find her now.”

After he leaves, I turn, wrapping my arms around Nathan’s neck. “Hi.”

“Hi yourself,” he smiles, leaning down to kiss me, “You having fun, or do I need to take you home and show you what fun is?”

“Um, both,” I laugh, tightening my hold on him, “But this is your brother’s party, and he seems happy that we’re here. So I think we have to stay for a bit.”

“Too bad,” he groans, kissing me again, “You’re not going to ask?”

“Ask what?” I repeat absently.

“How things went with my mom?” He looks at me, amused. “What planet are you on tonight, Haley J?”

“One with just you and me,” I smile, “And yes, I do want to know, unless it involved yelling and tears. Then maybe not so much.”

“No yelling,” he grins, “You’d be so proud of me.”

“Why do I somehow doubt that?” I laugh, “What did you say to her, Nathan?”

“Not much. Basically I just told her that the way she’s been pushing me and treating you isn’t a help to my recovery, but a hindrance. That got her to stop interrupting, at least. And then I explained that this was something I have to do on my terms in my own time, and she – she actually agreed that that was fair, and left it at that.”

“Wow,” I breathe, impressed, “That’s good. On both your parts. I’m glad that it went well, and that she listened when you explained what it was that you needed.”

“Is this where you start up on the ‘I told you so’s?”

“Nope, not at all,” I grin, “You already know how right I am usually.”

“Sometimes I think you’re the spoiled brat, not Merry,” he grins, kissing me again, “So, that’s taken care of. You going to give me a reward tonight?”

“Nathan!” I gasp, burying my face in his chest, “You’re making me blush!”

“Sometimes I forget how easy that is to do still,” he smirks, kissing my neck, “I can do it again, if you want.”

“Not here!”

He laughs again, the sound warm and reassuring to me. “I love you, Haley J.”

“I love you, too,” I reply, “Except when you embarrass me. Or when you and Mere wake me up before 8 on Saturdays. I really don’t like either of you much then.”

“Liar, liar, pants on fire!” he accuses, “You always like both of us. Actually, you love us. You know that’s why I’m still here, because you love me, enough for both of us.”

Blanching at his own words, he starts to pull away. “Nathan?”

“No, I’m sorry, this isn’t the place for me to start a conversation like that, I’m sorry.”

“What? No, don’t be,” I insist, moving closer to him, “It’s okay. We’ll talk about it when we get home tonight, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course we will,” he concedes, smiling wryly at me, “Where did the munchkin run off to this time?”

“Over at the bar with Karen and Eric, and damn it, Tim. He’s probably giving her more sweets,” I sigh, “He is! He’s giving her a soda!”

“Whoa there, tiger!” Nathan laughs, grabbing me around the waist when I start to go over there and put a stop to it, “It’s a party, a celebration. Let’s let her have some fun and eat some junk, okay?”

“It’s a Coke, Nathan! There is so much caffeine in those,” I sigh, glaring at him over my shoulder, “She is going to be bouncing off the walls tonight.”

“I’ve got an idea,” he grins, his eyes glinting. “Let’s send her home with Brooke and Tim. They wouldn’t turn down the opportunity for a sleepover.”

“You’re a genius,” I laugh softly, giggling when he kisses a ticklish spot on my neck, “That’s why I love you.”

“Because I can always figure out ways for us to have plenty of good, uninterrupted nookie time?” he jokes.

“Oh, no, because you’re not above using our daughter as a torture method on our own friends,” I grin, smirking when Brooke walks over, sneaking Mere more Pixie Sticks and what looks like a new doll. “That child is so ridiculously spoiled,” I sigh, “Remind me next time to have a boy so that we can at least avoid all the girl toys that Brooke buys.”

“Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind,” he agrees, “Although, somehow, I doubt that’d stop her. She’d probably just buy him tons of clothes, dressing him up to be some sort of metrosexual in head to toe Calvin Klein.”

“Well, at least he’ll be a well dressed little boy, and we won’t have so many doll pieces and accessories to worry about keeping track of,” I reason.

“You do realize it will be kind of mean of us to send her off with them when she’s doped up on caffeine and sugar, right?” he points out, “They’ll probably never want kids of their own if we do, right?”

“Well, it’d serve them right, look at that. Brooke is giving her more candy. Some of that gum she isn’t allowed to have. I swear,” I sigh.

“You’re right, they deserve it,” he agrees, wincing when Mere starts bouncing in the high chair she’s in, clanging a spoon on the counter. “And they’re going to get every bit of their deserving, huh?”

“Yeah, I think so,” I smirk, waving Brooke and Tim over here. Smiling when they’re in front of us, I ask. “So, how would you guys feel about having Mere spend the night with you guys tonight? We were thinking of taking a walk around town and talking,” I half-lie, smiling as sweetly as I can.

“Oh, we’d love to!” Brooke yells, throwing her arms around both Nathan and me, “Oh, my gosh, this is going to be so much fun, Tim!”

“Yeah, of course,” Tim agrees, beaming at Brooke, “She’s always welcome over at our place.”

Nathan has to pinch me in the side when I almost start giggling at that part. “Well, good,” Nathan jumps in, “We would really appreciate it. We can just drop her by a bag with stuff if you want to take her right home with you when you leave here.”

“No, that’s okay!” Brooke insists, “We have all sorts of stuff there. I’ve got extra toothbrushes, and I’ve got a whole bunch of outfits for her that I’ve been giving to her in rations so that the clothes Nazi there doesn’t get mad at me.”

“Well, great,” Nathan smiles, “Then she’s all yours for the rest of the night and what do you say? Most of tomorrow, too?”

“Absolutely!” Brooke accepts immediately, Tim nodding beside her. Jeez, you’d think they never saw her the way they’re acting now.

“Then as soon as the cake is cut, we’re out of here,” Nathan insists to me, smiling at them mildly still. I can’t believe they don’t realize what’s going on here.

“Absolutely,” I agree, “We’ll just get the car seat out before we leave and set it up in your car, okay?”

“Sounds great!” Brooke beams, Tim nodding beside her.

We hold true to the promise, and as soon as the cake is cut and we each wolf down a piece, we say our goodbyes to everyone and wish Lucas a happy birthday again, get the car seat and leave before they can realize what we’ve done.

“They are never going to baby-sit again!” I giggle as we jog across the street to the car, “They are going to be so pissed when she keeps them up all night, begging to read to her or jumping on their bed!”

“It’ll be worth it, though,” he insists, “And they’ll forget it in a week or two. Who can resist that cute little face of hers?”

“True,” I smile, getting in the car, “But I can resist it enough that for one sugar-filled night, it’ll be nice to have that face tormenting other people.”

“Oh, yeah,” he agrees, “So, we going to talk about it?”

“About what?” I ask, playing dumb.

“What I said earlier, about you loving me enough for both of us,” he reminds me.

“We should,” I nod, “What did you mean by that?”

“Everything – I was messing up, you know? Basketball was going to hell, and if I didn’t have that, then I wasn’t sure what I had. It sucked, and maybe it shouldn’t have, maybe it shouldn’t have mattered to me, but it did,” he sighs, looking over at me.

“You mean after you were benched and the playing time dropped,” I state obviously.

“Right,” he nods, his face darkening at it being put that way. I don’t like to see things hurt him, but right now, we need to get everything out on the table. “One of the trainers, he offered me a way to get in better shape. The steroids.”

“God, Nathan, and you didn’t see anything wrong with that?”

“No, I knew all the things that were wrong with it,” he sighs, looking so ashamed of himself I could cry for him, “I knew about the side effects, that I could lose my job and become a national disgrace, but it was my only chance to get back in the game. I thought it was my only chance.”

“Oh, baby,” I sigh, grabbing his hand and holding it between both of mine, “I wish – there are so many things I wish for you.”

“I know, me too,” he sighs. “It worked a little, you know? I felt better, and it was probably all psychological, but I felt it. And then, when we worked the uppers in there, I felt fucking invincible.”

“You changed,” I agree, “You started acting so cocky, and that was when you started spending so much more of your time out with the guys. At the time I didn’t think much of it, but now, it seems so obvious.”

“I just – I felt like such a failure, Hales. Like, basketball was the one – the only damn thing I was ever good at, ever the best at, and I wasn’t the best anymore. Fuck, I was barely even good. And I lost it, and the drugs, they offered me a chance to get it back. And I needed that chance, I needed it so bad I didn’t even care about the consequences, didn’t care about what happened to me.”

“What about me and Mere?” I ask quietly, a little afraid of his answer.

“It wasn’t about you, either of you. And I didn’t let myself think about what it would do to you if you found out because if I did, I knew I’d stop. I couldn’t let myself stop.”

“So, we didn’t really factor into it at all then,” I state.

“It started out as something about me, as making myself better, or what I thought was better. I wasn’t trying to escape my life, especially not you and Mere. You’re best parts of me, Hales. It wasn’t about that,” he insists, “It never was.”

Nodding, I have to believe that. For my own sake as well as his. Plus, as Janie, my counselor, is quick to remind me, addicts are very selfish people and tend to think more about their next fix, not about using their fixes as a weapon against loved ones.

“I just – if I didn’t have basketball, then what good was I to you and Mere? I have nothing to fall back on, even though, that’s driving me crazy, you know? I’m just this failed athlete without the skills to even work as a cashier in a gas station,” he sighs, running a ragged hand over his face. He pulls the car into the driveway, and we get out without saying anything else, walking into the house together.

When we’re settled on the couch together, me curled up against him with a blanket over my legs, I turn my face towards him. “You know I don’t give a shit what you do, right? Nathan, I swear, you could be anything, and it wouldn’t matter to me. Because it’s you, because you would still be you. Do you get that? Do you get that when you’re using, it’s like you’re someone else?”

He nods, leaning back against the couch. “I didn’t feel like me,” he admits, “Maybe that’s why I liked it. You know what the worst part was? I knew how fucking stupid I was being, I did. I knew that my problems were petty and inconsequential when you compare them to what most people have. But I didn’t care. I just wanted to make them go away.”

Letting my head rest against his chest, I sigh. “But they don’t just go away, do they?”

“No, they don’t,” he sighs in return. “I thought they would, I thought the stupid steroids would make all the difference in my game, but it didn’t change anything. It just made me a jerk that was late to practice, who got irritable when someone didn’t pass me the ball – it made it worse.”

“I – I wish you could’ve talked to me before all this started,” I whisper, “It could’ve been so different.”

“Me, too,” he agrees, “I’d give anything to go back.”

“Well, we can’t, so all we can do is go forward, Nathan. And we can do that together, and be honest from now on. Both of us.”

“I’m sorry, Hales. I know that I keep saying that, and it probably sounds really empty by now, but it is true. I am so sorry, more than I could ever say.”

“I know you are, and it means more than you think it does,” I assure him, “And you don’t have to keep apologizing, okay? I know that you’re sorry, and I hope you know I’m sorry, too.”

”Aw, baby, you don’t have anything to be sorry for,” he sighs, his arms tightening around me, “I hate that you feel like you do.”

“I can’t help it,” I murmur, relaxing in his arms, “I just can’t stop myself from thinking that I should’ve known. How did I not see it, Nathan? I know you better than anyone, and I didn’t see it! What does that say about me?”

“You know what? Sometimes we only see what we want to,” he sighs, “I couldn’t see that just because basketball wasn’t going the way I wanted that it wasn’t the end of the world. And you didn’t want to think I’d be so stupid, so careless, so you didn’t see it.”

I nod; what he says makes sense. “Maybe you’re right, maybe I didn’t want to see it.”

“And the thing is, even if you had, who is to say that it would’ve mattered? I was gone, Hales. I don’t know if I would’ve even listened to you then.”

“I know, but I just can’t shake the thought,” I sigh, running a hand through my hair, “It doesn’t even matter now, right? Because we have to go forward, and I’m so stuck on that damn what if, even though it changes nothing. It doesn’t even make me feel better.”

“I know it’s tough, Hales.”

“Yeah, I know you do,” I agree, turning my head to smile up at him, “I’ll be okay, Nathan. This is why I’m seeing Janie, so that she can help me talk through this stuff. So that maybe I can stop blaming myself for these things that I didn’t see, for the things I did wrong.”

He shakes his head, pressing a lingering kiss to my temple. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he counters, “And I’m going to tell you that until you believe it.”

“You’ll be talking for awhile then,” I joke, laying my hands over his arms, hugging them to me.

“Until I’m blue in the face, if I have to,” he smiles, tilting my chin up so he can kiss me on the lips this time. “But you know what? We’re going to be okay.”

”Are you psychic now?” I tease, snuggling back closer to him.

“Maybe,” he murmurs, “And maybe I know now that nothing else matters, just you and Mere. I don’t need the other things, but I need the two of you. And I know it isn’t easy, and it won’t be easy for awhile, but I’ll never give up on us. This means everything to me.”

He’s right: nothing else matters. And that’s a thought that makes it so much easier to start trying to let go of the hurt, the guilt, and the pain.

Chapter 15 - 16

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