Getting It All Back

By Brynne

Chapter One – Bella Donna

‘And the woman may be so awestruck

And the woman may truly care

but the woman is so tired...

So the woman disappears...’ – S. Nicks

~*~March, 2013~*~

“He’s not coming, obviously,” I complain bitterly into the phone, still keeping a watchful eye on my daughter as she runs around the living room with the children of Nathan’s teammates, “It is her goddamn birthday, Brooke, and he’s not coming.”

“Haley, you don’t know that,” she counters, but I can hear the anger in her voice and know she thinks I’m right.

“Yes, I do know that. It is her second birthday, and he promised he’d be here today, but he’s not. So it’s just me, a stupid clown – which, by the way, was Nathan’s only contribution to all of this, and eight kids between the ages of 2 and 6.”

“Eight? What were you thinking?” she chuckles, “That’s a lot of kids running around. But I bet Meredith is having a good time, right?”

“Yeah, she is, of course. She loves it. But you want to know what I was thinking? I was thinking that Nathan would be here, helping me out with all of this. He was the one who insisted we invite all of his teammates’ children six and under. Believe me, that wasn’t my brainchild.”

“Oh, Haley, I’m sure he’ll turn up,” she sighs.

“I wish I had your optimism, but frankly, with the inordinate amount of time he’s been spending away from here, I don’t.”

“Haley, maybe it’s nothing.”

“If it was nothing, and that’s a big if, why wouldn’t he explain why he isn’t around much? Why wouldn’t he just tell me why he was pulling away? It’s not nothing, it’s just plain not.”

“Look, I have to go, I have a puppy waiting for his shots. And a really cute owner accompanying the puppy.”

I roll my eyes at her. “Tigger, I thought you were trying to settle down and deep six the flirting in hopes of finding a serious relationship.”

“Well, how can I find a serious relationship if I never flirt? Answer me that, Dear Abby,” she points out, rightly, too.

“Wow, and Brooke Davis makes a valid point. The world will soon tilt off of its axis and fly out into outer space,” I grin, watching as Mere follows one of the older girls like a shadow.

“Oh, shut up,” she laughs, “Don’t act so surprised! I’ve been known to make the occasional valid point when necessary.”

“Yeah, but you don’t find it necessary very often, now do you?” I retort, watching the clown Nathan hired trying to herd the children into the dining room so he can make them balloon animals.

“Maybe not, but that just makes the times I do that much more important.”

“Says you,” I smile.

“Yeah, well, aren’t I all that is important in the end?” she laughs, “Hey, be sure and call old Timmy Boy soon. He just got dumped again, and I think he could use some Tutor Girl cheer.”

“He got dumped again?” I ask incredulously. Sometimes I don’t understand what is wrong with these girls he dates that they can’t see past his outer shell of dumbassedness to see how great he is.

“I don’t know, Haley, I’m beginning to think he’s sabotaging these relationships. I’ve met each of these girls, right? And they’re nice, sweet, normal, and they all adore him at first. I don’t know what else it could be, unless he’s an underachiever in the sack. I don’t think that’s it, though, I’ve seen him naked and Little Tim is nothing to scoff at,” she drops, and I groan aloud at the thought.

“When did you see him naked? How can you so casually talk about that?” I wonder with a laugh, “I mean, hello, it is Tim we’re talking about.”

“Oh, don’t be a prude, Miss Practically Married and Have a Child,” she retorts, “Anyway, I’ve seen him naked on several occasions, and believe me, it isn’t a crime to talk about how big Tim’s dick is.”

“Well, not a crime, but similarly nothing I want to hear or think about. And it makes me curious why you’re so suddenly gung-ho about doing it. You always used to be just as creeped out by the mention as I am,” I remind her.

“Look, I really have to go,” she sighs, either changing or avoiding the subject, “Cute little puppy waiting with his even cuter owner. If you so choose, we can continue this conversation later. If you’re that bored.”

“Fine, avoid the subject,” I mutter, “And I probably will be. That bored, I mean.”

She pauses, clearing her throat. “If you’re really unhappy there, you should come home, Haley.”

“Brooke,” I say warningly, “Don’t make this into something it’s not, okay?”

“Well,” she sighs, “I don’t know I believe that it isn’t what both of us are so carefully avoiding mention of, but I won’t argue you on it.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it. Go flirt with your hot client now,” I order her, letting myself grin as she laughs.

Hanging up the phone, I watch Mere in the other room, where she is captivated as the clown furiously twists the balloons around, magically forming them into giraffes and dogs and crowns for them to wear and play with. She’s clearly having a good time, as are all the other children, and it almost makes me forget how pissed off I am at Nathan. But this time I’m going to hold onto my anger and let him know how upset I am with him for ditching me like this. And for God’s sake, it is her birthday. He could at least be here for this.

I shove that out of my mind for now, determined to enjoy my daughter’s second birthday. Luckily, I can tell she’s having a marvelous time and that definitely improves my mood. Her smile even obliterates the drizzly Seattle weather for me. But I’m not letting him get away with it this time. There is no excuse in the world that he could possibly give me that would be good enough to make it okay that he’d miss something like this. He doesn’t have a game today, or any meetings, and yet he still couldn’t drag himself home for this. I just don’t get it anymore.

It is a bit of a relief when parents show up and claim their children. No one misbehaved, and I think they all had a good time, but I’m ready to put Mere down for her nap and get this place cleaned up. And after that, I’m even more ready to lay into Nathan when he finally comes home.

“It looks like everyone had fun,” Melissa, one of the wives that I’m a little closer to says to me. She’s about my age, and she’s from South Carolina, so we actually have quite a bit in common. “Can I help you clean up?”

I smile appreciatively at her. “No, that’s okay. Nathan should be home soon, and we can take care of it.”

She blinks in surprise. “I thought they were going to be out all day, and probably most of the night?”

It is my turn to be surprised. “What do you mean? I thought Nathan was just out running errands or picking up some surprise for Mere,” I state flatly, knowing I’m not going to like what she’s about to tell me.

A look of embarrassment crosses her face, and I can tell she doesn’t want to tell me what she knows. “Look, Haley, I’m sorry I said anything, forget it.”

“No, please, tell me what’s going on. I can handle it,” I assure her.

“I – Damien told me that a few of the guys were going out to some strip club today. I could definitely be wrong, in fact, I must be, but I’d gotten the impression Nathan would be joining them. Sometimes when Dame gets talking, I tune him out,” she shrugs, apologetic. No, not apologetic, pitying. She’s pitying me because I had no clue where Nathan was.

I manage to smile at her, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t a friendly look. “Well, that’s interesting,” I comment, trying to play it off like it is unimportant to me.

She nods sympathetically as she rushes to gather up her children’s things. “I’m sorry I dropped that on you, Haley. I figured you knew. And like I said, I’m sure I’m wrong, you know?”

“It’s okay,” I sigh, “Don’t worry about it.”

She nods, calling the kids over to her, ushering them out the door. “We’ll see you soon, okay?” I nod, smiling again. “Happy Birthday, Meredith!”

I glance down to find Mere standing beside me, and I lean down to pick her up. We both wave as Melissa and the kids walk out to their car. I show the clown out next, and then sit down on the couch with Mere, cuddling with her.

“Oh, sweets, I can’t believe you’re two already,” I tell her with a tired sigh, “It seems like just yesterday, I swear.”

“Mama!” she laughs as she babbles away, somewhat incoherently.

“It is time for your nap, isn’t it?” I ask her, standing up. She is usually only incoherent when she’s really sleepy. “Come on, baby, let’s go get in bed. I’ll sing to you.”

I take her up to her room, which is lavishly decorated in the extreme, especially for a toddler. But Nathan has insisted on ‘all the best’ for her, and when I decorated, demanded I go top of the line. It seemed like such a simple request at the time, a little unnecessary, but not out of the realm of reasonable. Now, I don’t know what to think of it. Everything has to be extravagant for him, for us. The house, the boat, the jet skis, the playground set Mere is still too small to play on, the vacations, the clothes, the cars, all of it.

He always assures me there is nothing to worry about, we have plenty of money. And he’s right, we do, but sometimes that isn’t the point. Not for me, at least. I don’t know if this money issue is where our problems lie, but I know that they aren’t blameless. I shake my head to clear it of these thoughts, and take Mere in to use the bathroom before laying her down.

“Okay, baby, use the potty, and then we’ll go in and sing or maybe read a story, okay?” She nods and does as she’s told. She’s been potty trained for about six months now, but I still feel like I should remind her before naps and bedtime.

“All done, Mommy!” she exclaims, clapping her hands.

“Good job,” I laugh, “Now, wash your hands, sweets.”

She nods, and climbs up on the stool and washes. “All done, now read, Mommy!”

I pick her up and carry her into her room, grabbing a few books, and then take her across the hall to me and Nathan’s room. I should put her down in her own bed, but every once in awhile, I’ll let her fall asleep in here before moving her back to her crib.

“Daddy?” she asks, as she settles into my side, leaning her head against my arm. It amazes me sometimes that she remembers that he used to join us for these times, taking turns reading with me or trading voices of the characters.

“No Daddy this time, sweets,” I sigh, leaning down to drop a kiss on her forehead. She looks up at me, her eyes the same gorgeous blue as Nathan’s, and they well with tears as her lower lip starts to quiver. “Oh, sweets, it’s okay, he’ll be back soon,” I promise, even though I have no idea whether it is true or not. Luckily, by the time she wakes up from her nap, she’ll probably only be focused on playing with her new birthday toys.

She sniffles a few more times, and then looks through the books I grabbed. I roll my eyes, knowing exactly which book she’ll choose, but she makes it necessary to look all of them over first for several minutes. I haven’t figured out if this is the smartest nap-stall tactic she’s come up with yet, or else she just really thinks that maybe one time she’ll choose a different one. Of course, she ends up choosing what she always chooses, ‘The Poky Little Puppy’, and hands it to me triumphantly. I place another kiss on her forehead, preparing to read.

She has this entire story memorized, so even in her exhausted state, she recites it along with me as I also recite it basically from memory. By the time we finish, she’s asleep, and I carefully slide off the bed and lift her up. She’s a good baby most of the time, but when she’s sleeping, she looks positively angelic.

She looks so much like Nathan that it doesn’t take a genius to figure why I’m so wrapped around her finger. She’s got his dark hair and bright, knowing blue eyes, but she’s also got my expressive face. Her temperament is a mixture of the two of us – she’s stubborn and stoic like Nathan, but she’s also friendly and sensitive to what others think of her, which is more me. That she’s a mix of the two of us makes her seem all the more perfect to me.

After depositing her in her crib, I turn on the monitors and give her one last kiss before heading back out to the living room. The phone rings, and I pick it up, figuring that it is Brooke calling me back.

“Hello?”

“Haley J,” Nathan greets, “I’m so sorry I missed the party, babe, I just got caught up in something. I’ll make it up to you both.”

“Nathan,” I sigh, so frustrated with him that it hurts, “Where the hell are you? I’m not trying to be a nag, but our daughter’s second birthday party was this afternoon, and you missed it! You promised me, Nathan, promised that you’d be here for this.”

I’m almost in tears by the time I finish my little diatribe, but I’m really too angry to actually let them fall.

“Calm down, Haley, she won’t even know that I wasn’t there.”

“Well, I know, Nathan, but that clearly doesn’t matter to you,” I snap, “And where were you? You told me yesterday you had no meetings. What could possibly be more important than your daughter’s birthday party? Remember, the party we deliberately scheduled on a day that you had nothing so that you could be here?”

“Haley, I told you, I had things to take care of. I’m sorry if that isn’t okay with you – I’ll try and remember to put my leash on before I leave tomorrow.” I can hear male hooting and hollering through the phone, which confirms without me having to ask that he is with Damien and whoever else at the strip club Melissa referred to. The worst part is hearing his laugh and knowing he’s probably rolling his eyes at his friends about me.

“No, don’t worry about it. I’m sorry that our daughter and I are such an inconvenience to you. We’ll try to stay out of your way,” I mutter sarcastically, too enraged to have this discussion over the phone.

He sighs deeply, “Haley, I didn’t mean it like that. But I just don’t get why this was such a big deal. She’s two, so it isn’t like she’s going to remember this.”

“You just don’t get it, do you?” I ask, my tone biting, “You don’t get that she’s a smart little girl, and that she knows what’s going on around her. She knows that you weren’t here, and she knows that you used to take time to read with us but you don’t now. And you know what else? There are pictures, Nathan. So, you might be right, and she might not know now, but she will know someday.”

“That’s just great, Haley, why don’t you lay the emotional blackmail on just a tiny bit thicker. I don’t think I quite get that you’re pissed yet.”

“That wasn’t blackmail, Nathan. That was just a fact. You aren’t going to be in those pictures. Sure, you’ll see them, and you’ll get an idea of how much fun she had today and how much cake she smeared all over herself, but you’ll never know how happy her laughter was or how she cried when she asked where you were.”

“Haley – “

“No, Nathan, don’t interrupt me!” I exclaim, “I know that there is a lot you can’t control in terms of being here because of basketball, but there have been more and more times lately that basketball hasn’t been a factor, but you’ve still been gone. That is what I’m tired of, and that is what has to stop.”

“Are you giving me an ultimatum?” he asks quietly.

“God, no, of course not!” I sigh, “It isn’t like that, and I would never do that! But Nathan, I need you to come home and talk to me. Something has to give here. I just can’t go on like this, and I need your help. Come home.”

“So, it is an ultimatum,” he determines, “It’s an ultimatum, and I don’t like it. And I’m not going to come running home because you said so.”

“Oh, Nathan, come on,” I cry, exasperated, “This is ridiculous! I’m not telling you to come home! Am I asking? Would I like it if you did? Well, yeah, of course. I feel like I never see you, and I miss you. And I know our daughter misses you, too. Do I think we have things we need to discuss? Yes, I think that, too. But I’m not telling you to come home. I guess I wish you’d make the choice to come home.”

“Haley, I’ll be home when I get home, okay? You’re making a big deal out of absolutely nothing. Haley, just don’t worry about this, okay?” he orders me. Really, the tone of his voice denotes him giving an order I’m expected to follow.

I choke back the harsh words that spring to my lips, unwilling or unable to have this fight with him now. “Fine, Nathan. Do what you have to do. I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk to me.” And with that, I unceremoniously hang up on him.

“Shit,” I mutter aloud, angry with him, angry with me, just plain angry.

This situation, that has been a long time coming, feels like it has hit me over the head. Like out of nowhere, I’ve been ran over by a freight train. The damnedest part of it is that I can’t claim ignorance. I knew where things were headed, but it still feels like I’ve been blindsided. This is so frustrating.

I still have the phone in my hand, and after a few minutes, it isn’t hard to realize that I was waiting for him to call me back. And he doesn’t. He won’t. I know this. Nathan is way too stubborn to ever willingly apologize, especially so soon. Oh, he might later, when he realizes that I’m really upset and angry about this, but he’ll never make the first move, not in a situation like this.

Glancing at the phone in my hand, I know there are a few people I could call now for company. And I’d really like some company right now, even if it is only through a mere phone call. Granted, I could always ask one of the women I know and am friendly with here out to coffee or something, but it wouldn’t be the same as what I’d get from my family in Tree Hill.

When I first left Tree Hill to move to Seattle, I was terrified that a massive case of homesickness would befall me. That it would rule my life and make me miserable here despite that I was with Nathan. We were both worried about it, more than we’d admit, but it was there. But it didn’t, to both our surprise. I fell in love with the sparkling water that was all around, the fresh, clean air, the tall, rugged mountains, and even the people were friendlier than I’d expected. And I loved it here with Mere, and especially Nathan. It was the first time in our adult lives to be together like this, all the time. I was so happy.

And nothing has changed, not really. The air is still fresh, the water is still sparkly and blue-green, the mountains are as tall and rugged as ever, and the people are still friendly. So that means something else has changed, either within me, or more likely between Nathan and me.

Things have changed, and how. The scary part, the part that worries me the most, is that I really don’t know how to talk to him about this. It isn’t like other times when things have been tough between us. Those times were different, and they didn’t involve any precious two year old girls that we both love to pieces. But they were hard times, and they, for lack of a better word, sucked, but not in the same way.

We got through all of those times, though, relatively unscathed. So why does this time feel so damn different?

~*~

It is late when I hear a car pull into the driveway. I climb out of bed and pad over to the window, surprised to see Nathan paying a cab driver. So, he’s drunk enough that he couldn’t drive home, which isn’t going to make this go any better, so I run out to the living room, away from Mere’s room, hoping we don’t wake her up.

I curl up in this huge, plush bean bag chair that I adore. It is the only thing in this house that isn’t brand spanking new and embarrassingly expensive, but in spite of that, it is my favorite. Or maybe because of that, it is my favorite. I still remember the day we bought it – I had managed to talk Nathan into stopping at a yard sale the summer after I moved here. I fell in love with this old thing, and managed to convince him it was a priceless antique that we just had to have. He never looked like he believed me one hundred percent, but he conceded that my degree in interior design holds up better in furniture choosing that his in sports psychology.

He bitched and moaned the whole way home because we had to cram it in the back of his brand new Escalade, but by the time I reupholstered it and talked him into christening it with me, he fell in love with it, too. We used to sit here all the time with Mere, just watching TV or reading or listening to music. Sometimes, we’d just watch her sleep and talk about how great her life was going to be.

Now I’m sitting here, in this chair that holds so much of the good stuff of the last two years for all of us, waiting for him to stumble in so that he can say whatever it is he wants to say. Right now, I think that there is a lot he’s going to say, too. I’d never begrudge him that right, but having him drunk was not the way I wanted to do this, not the way I wanted to have this conversation.

I can hear him trying to get his key in the lock, and I briefly consider getting up to help him. I end up staying put in the chair, though. When he finally gets the door open, he’s muttering something about damn locks. He slams the door shut behind him, and to my surprise, locks it behind him. I don’t alert him to my presence, as I know he isn’t going to appreciate it. Instead, I focus my attention on the lake out the large picture window, letting myself marvel at the moon and the lights reflecting off it.

He gasps in surprise when he finally sees me, and I glance over at him in time to see him catch himself on the wall when he trips over his own feet. Graceful basketball player my ass. I roll my eyes at him, and continue staring out at the water.

“Haley, it’s late,” he says, all Mr. Fucking Obvious now, and all smiley and seemingly happy, “What are you still doing up? You didn’t have to wait for me, you know.”

His tone is light and airy, and la de da, not a care in the world, and it pisses me off even more. But I shove that down. “I wasn’t waiting for you, Nathan, I was just having trouble sleeping. I let myself fall asleep when Mere was napping after the party, so I’m not really tired,” I inform him, my voice dull and tired sounding.

“Well, if you’re awake, and I’m ‘up’, then why don’t we go to bed together?” he suggests, and I seriously wonder what is wrong with him. Nathan – my Nathan – wouldn’t act like this. I know he wouldn’t.

“Nathan, I’m not really in the mood for that right now, sorry,” I mutter tersely, refocusing my attention out the window on the glittering lights across the lake.

“Yeah, why would you be?” he retorts, stomping over to the bar – another one of his lavish excesses – and pours himself another drink.

”God, Nathan, its 3 am. Don’t you think you could ease off the booze now?” I ask, moving to stand up. If we’re going to have this out, I’m at least going to stand up and not let him tower over me while I’m practically laying prone in the chair.

He turns and rolls his eyes at me. “Yeah, okay, Mom, I’ll take that into consideration,” he snorts, “Seriously, Haley, when did you turn into such a drag?”

“Uh, maybe since our daughter started sleeping just down the hall,” I spit out, walking over to him, “I really understand that you want to go out with the guys or whatever, Nathan, but do you have to drink here where Mere is?”

“What, you think I’d hurt her?” he asks, incredulous and hurt.

“No, I don’t,” I admit, “But I just don’t like or feel comfortable with the idea of her being around alcohol. And maybe that’s lame and overprotective on my part, and I’m sorry if that’s the case, but I really feel that way. I just don’t want to expose to that before we have to.”

He glances down at the glass in his hand, sighing. He surprises me by pouring it down the bar sink and setting the glass down. He also puts the bottle away, giving me a ‘happy now?’ look. “All better?”

“I know you don’t agree, but I appreciate you doing that,” I thank him, “Look, I’m going to go get some work done or something. We can talk in the morning.”

He shakes his head. “Early flight to Phoenix,” he reminds, and I sigh, “Why can’t we talk now if you’re not tired? And why can’t we do other things?”

“I don’t want to talk to you when you’re drunk, Nathan. That’s not really fair to me. And like I said, I’m not in the mood to put a bandaid on our problems by having sex with you this time. The temporary fix is starting to get old.”

“Yeah, but you bitching at me for missing a stupid birthday party was fair? Get real, Haley! You’re going to get mad at me for not being here for that, a children’s party when you know we’ll celebrate, just the two of us, with her, is so ridiculous I don’t even know where to start!”

I stare him down for a minute before answering. “I wasn’t mad you weren’t there, not really,” I admit, “But I’m really damn pissed that you lied to me. You told me today was a day when you could be there, that you would be there, but then I turn around, and you’re gone. You promised you would help me with those kids, those kids we invited because you insisted they all be there, and you broke that promise. And she’s your daughter. You should want to be here for things like that.”

“Now I’m a bad father, right?” he asks bitterly, “Because I missed a birthday party? Terrific, thanks for condemning me. I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, Haley! My playing time has been cut back, and I’ve been busting my ass at the gym to get it back! So I take one day, just one, to go out with the guys and relax, and you condemn me for it! Where do you get off?”

I shake my head at him, and try to compose myself. This is deteriorating in a more rapid fashion that I’d thought. “Nathan, I know you work hard,” I attempt to placate him, even though I think that is neither here nor there, “And you know what? I really appreciate and admire that about you. I just – I wish you’d gone about this differently.”

“Gone about what differently?” he asks, his tone less hostile.

“Chose a different day to go out with the guys. I don’t know, even waited until after the party and gone out then.” I shrug. “It didn’t have to be a huge difference, just a little one. I wanted you there, with me and Mere, that’s all.”

He lowers himself down onto a barstool, nodding. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry that I wasn’t, Haley. I didn’t mean to upset you or hurt your feelings, you know?”

I nod. Maybe that isn’t a one hundred percent honest statement on his part, but I believe that it’s mostly true. “I know, Nathan,” I capitulate, just wanting this argument to be over, “Things are just weird right now.”

“Why? They aren’t weird to me,” he argues, his words the tiniest bit slurred, “Are you so unhappy with being here that you have to turn it into something about us?”

His question gives me momentary pause, but I recover quickly enough. “I’m not unhappy here, Nathan. I really like Seattle,” I assure him, completely honest in that respect, “This isn’t about that. Not at all.”

“Oh, great. So it’s me, then,” he deduces, “I’m what you’re unhappy with.”

I shiver, realizing that I’m not wearing enough clothes for this. Standing around at the 3 am arguing with Nathan would be better suited for combat gear than the tank top and shorts that I have on at the moment.

“I love you, Nathan, more than anything,” I tell him, again with the complete honesty, “But something is changing here, and I don’t know what it is. And no, I’m not really happy about that. I’m not happy I can’t figure out what or why things are changing, and I’m just not liking the way things are as a result of these changes.”

“You love me, but you’re not willing to fight for me? See, this is exactly what I don’t get about you, Haley!”

“Not fighting? Nathan, if I didn’t want to fight for you, for us, then I would never have pushed for this fight!” I exclaim, “Do you think I like this? Do you think I like knowing that I’m pissing you off? Because I don’t, I hate it! But it’s the only time I get a reaction from you these days!”

“Why are you so unhappy then?” he slurs, “Because that’s what I don’t get.” He rubs his head, and I wonder if his headache is from a hangover kicking in or from this fight. Maybe both. “I really don’t get it, Haley.”

“Yeah, I see that, Nathan.”

“Why? Why are you so unhappy? What changed?”

“You’re never here,” I sigh, “And when you are, you’re playing video games or on the phone with your buddies. I just feel like you don’t want to talk to me. The only interaction you seem to want with me is sex.”

“We’re talking now, aren’t we?” he says, his tone snotty, “You’ve already shot down sex.”

“Knock it off,” I snap, “This isn’t talking, this is you trying to degrade every valid point I bring up! And it isn’t fair, Nathan! Why won’t you talk to me?”

I’m dangerously close to tears now, and we both know it. He looks at me, and I know he isn’t sure how to answer that without opening the floodgates. Of course, he says the dumbest, most male thing he could say. “Well, you don’t have to cry about it, do you?”

I can tell by the look that crosses over his face immediately after he says it that he knows how I’m going to react to it. But I’m not going to give him the satisfaction this time, so I just shrug and walk out of the room. Instead of heading for our bedroom, I go into Mere’s room, taking a seat in the rocking chair stationed near her crib. She’s sound asleep, and I don’t want her to wake up – I just want to be close to her.

Everything is silent for a few minutes, but eventually I hear Nathan pacing back and forth outside of her door. It stops, and I know he’s standing outside the door, debating whether he should come in here or not. He doesn’t, though, which is smart, and after a few minutes, I hear his footsteps moving down the hall towards our room.

When I know he’s probably sleeping, I tiptoe out of Mere’s room, wandering back out to the living room. I curl up in the big bean bag chair and let myself finally cry until I fall asleep.

~*~

When I wake up in the morning, I’ve been covered with a blanket, so I know Nathan is up. I can hear him talking to Mere in the kitchen, so I head in there. If one of the first things I see every day is Mere or Nathan’s face, I’m usually pretty happy. I’m nervous to see Nathan, but hopeful that we can actually have a conversation now.

“Mama!” Mere squeals when she sees me. She lifts her arms towards me, struggling to get out of her high chair.

“Hi sweets!” I greet back, walking over to kiss her forehead, “Look at you, all covered in bananas.” I turn to Nathan. “So, you two have been busy this morning.”

He shrugs. “I have to leave in another hour and a half or so, and I wanted to spend some time with her. Figured you wouldn’t mind if I let you sleep.”

“Thanks,” I smile softly, “I guess I needed it. It’s late for me.” It’s only 7, but I usually get up when Mere does, closer to 6.

“I, ah, made breakfast, too,” he offers, pointing to the scrambled eggs he just arranged on a plate and the toast he’s buttering.

“Thanks,” I repeat, unsure what else to say, “I’ll clean Mere up.”

“No, Haley J, you sit and relax, I’ll clean her up. I let her make the mess anyway,” he assures me, setting the plate of eggs and toast on the counter. He pours me orange juice next, and sits me down. “Please, let me do this.”

“Yeah, go ahead,” I can’t help but grin, “She mashed some banana in her hair.”

“Of course she did,” he groans, but smiles sweetly at me. I’m charmed by his show this morning, but it is still a show. And I should remember that. It is too easy to overlook the promises he broke and the lies he’s been handing out lately when he acts like this.

I pick at the toast he’s made for me as I watch him interact with Meredith. He’s so sweet with her, and he adores her so much. Nothing is more obvious than that to me. Nothing in this world. When we were in high school, I thought I couldn’t possibly love him more than I did then. And then, when we finally got back together a couple years ago, when he took me back after everything I put him through, I just knew that there was no way I could love him more. But every time I see him with her, I do. It seems completely impossible that I could, but I always do.

When he gets her cleaned up, he lifts her out of the chair and just holds her for a minute, smiling at her as she pats her hands on his cheeks. God, I think I’m tearing up over this. I am such a sap that I can’t help laughing aloud at myself.

Nathan looks at me curiously, setting Mere down. “Go get your book, Merry. I’ll read it to you before I have to go, okay?” She nods and flies out of the room. “What’s so funny?” he asks me.

“Me,” I choke out, wiping a tear away, “I was watching you with her, and I started getting teary-eyed. And then I laughed because I’m so pathetic and sappy sometimes.”

“Aw, I like that about you,” he grins, spinning me on the stool so I’m facing him. I have to crane my neck to look up at him, but it’s worth it. “I’m going to miss you, Haley J. I always do, you know that, right?”

It is on the tip of my tongue to ask why he doesn’t stay home with us when he is here, then, but this morning has been such a pleasant surprise that I can’t. I should, but I can’t do it. I don’t want him to leave here angry, and I don’t want to be angry while he’s gone. So, it is best to just leave things be for now.

Smiling at him, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down to me. “I know, and I miss you, too.”

He smiles back, brushing his lips against mine. He slides his hands down my sides until they under my thighs, pulling me towards him. “Haley,” he moans, “Merry’s going to be back in a second, stop enticing me.”

I help him out by lifting my legs and wrapping them around his waist. He straightens up, taking me with him. “She probably got distracted by her new toys,” I reason, shivering when he nips at my earlobe, “Mm, I think we have a few minutes.”

“Baby, I want more than a few minutes with you.”

“Let’s go then,” I suggest, staring into his eyes, “I’d rather have just a few minutes with you right now than none at all.”

He still looks doubtful, so I lean down and kiss him, tugging on his lower lip with my teeth like I know he can never resist. “Haley J, you’re trouble,” he tells me, his hands tightening convulsively on my legs.

I smile against his lips. “Nathan, I want you. Now.”

He gasps when I slide my hand down between us, toying with the waistband of his sweats. “Okay, let’s go,” he finally agrees, and I grin triumphantly, placing desperate kisses over his jaw and down his neck.

We make it to our bedroom, where he dumps me on the bed, quickly climbing on after me. I push him down on his back so I can climb on top of him. “I’m missing you already,” I tell him, laying down on him so our bodies are flush against one another.

Just as he’s sliding his hands under my shirt, Mere yells for him. “Shit,” he mutters, breathing heavily, “We have to stop, don’t we?”

I manage to laugh, even though none of this is funny to me, rolling off him. “I think we should. She’ll just scream bloody murder for her daddy until you go out there anyway,” I point out.

He rolls on his side, looking down at me. “Okay, you’re coming with me, though. I want to be with both of you this morning.”

I can’t help but smile at him. “Let’s go then.”

He jumps off the bed, smirking at me as he makes a show of adjusting his pants. When I roll my eyes at him, he just laughs. “Come on, let’s go see what munchkin wants.”

“Mama!” she squeals when I bend down to pick her up, “Read me!”

I give her a hug and then pass her to Nathan, since he was the one who originally offered to read to her, and I know it will thrill her to death. “I’ll read today, kiddo,” he tells her, earning a squeal of delight.

He carries her to the couch, spinning around a couple of times, getting her nice and wound up. I follow them, sitting next to Nathan, glancing around him to smile at Mere, who grins back at me.

After he finishes reading ‘The Poky Little Puppy’ to her, he glances over at me. “I’ve got to grab my things and go, Haley J,” he sighs, “I’ve got to be there in an hour, and I’m not totally packed yet.”

I nod, standing up and obliging when Meredith holds her arms out for me. “Okay, you go finish packing, and I’m going to get her – and myself – dressed. We’ll see you out.”

By the time I finally get both myself and Mere dressed, it is time for him to go. We walk to the door with him, and I’m momentarily surprised to see a cab waiting for him. The events of yesterday and early this morning wash over me. He just gives me a look almost daring me to say something, but he doesn’t say anything himself.

“Well, I’d better go,” he says, reaching out to take Mere from me. “You be a good girl for your mommy, okay, Mere Bear?” He hands her back to me after kissing her on the cheek and moves to put his arms around both of us. “I love you, both of you,” he tells me, leaning down to give me a kiss.

“And we love you,” I smile, hugging Mere tighter to me. He climbs in the taxi, and we stand in the driveway waving until he’s out of sight. “Well, sweets, I guess it’s just you and me again.”

“Daddy?”

“Daddy’s going to work, Mere, we’ll watch him on the TV, okay?” She nods while pouting. “I know, it sucks, doesn’t it?”

~*~May, 2013~*~

“Nathan, we aren’t going to stay too long, are we? These shoes are uncomfortable and this dress is too tight,” I fake whine.

He laughs. “I know you hate this stuff, but it’s with the guys from work so it’s sort of important to me. I won’t keep you out all night, but I really want us to have a good time tonight. We don’t get enough time, just the two of us, to go out and be adults anymore. I miss that.”

Well, this isn’t going to be just the two of us by any stretch of the imagination, but I refrain from griping about that right now. “We’ve had about eight ‘adult’ nights out together ever,” I point out, laughing, “I mean, when we got back together, you were here and I was in Tree Hill, so we almost never saw each other, and then I was pregnant and had Mere by the time I moved here.”

He laughs, too. “See, all the more reason for us to stay out as late as possible. Any time I can get you alone, the more time I have to enjoy it the better.” He winks at me, and I smile in response. Would that we were really going to be alone, though. “And by the way, the dress is not too tight. It is just right tight.”

“Thanks for the encouragement, Goldilocks,” I tease, “But I still don’t think I want to stay out too late. I told the sitter we’d be back by midnight.”

“Well, we can shoot for midnight. If not, we’ll just call and let her know we’re running late. It isn’t like she’s a young kid who has school tomorrow,” he dismisses with a shrug.

“No, she’s a mother of two of her own children who would probably appreciate getting home to them at a reasonable hour, even if they are old enough to be alone,” I remind him, irritated that he’s already planning on prolonging our stay tonight.

“She’ll be fine,” he counters, “Now, come on, I just want to enjoy this night out with you. Please, can you try and have fun?”

The obvious exasperation in his voice, like I’m such a wet blanket or something, stings. “Yeah, I’ll try and have fun,” I agree.

“I didn’t mean that in a nasty way,” he tells me, reaching over to grab my hand, “You know I have more fun with you than anyone else in the world. It’s just that so much of our fun these days involves stuffed animals and Sesame Street. Don’t get me wrong, I love that stuff, but I want my grown up fun with you, too.”

“I know, Nathan,” I smile, “I would love to have some time with you that didn’t revolve around Mere’s nap schedule. It’s just hard right now with me working, even though it is part time, in the morning, and then even when you’re in town you usually have to be gone in the afternoons for games or practice.”

“Yeah, we’re both busy, and at opposite times,” he acknowledges, “But I can gripe about it, right? Because it does suck.”

I squeeze his hand in acknowledgement. “Maybe we can try harder to find time for just us,” I suggest, “We could always invite your mom out here for a few days. She could watch Mere and we could hole up in a hotel somewhere.”

“That’s a plan I could get behind,” he agrees as he pulls into a parking space. One of his teammates is hosting a birthday party for one of the other men on the team, and of course it is at some swanky new club in the trendy part of town. Nathan ‘splurged’ and bought Isaiah, the birthday celebrant, a bottle of whiskey that costs more than every pair of shoes I own. Put together, possibly. When I said something about his extravagance, he again told me to calm down, it wasn’t a big deal. ‘We have tons of money’, that’s what he says about everything, like it is the answer to all the world’s problems.

I jump out of the Escalade, grinning at him when he jogs around to grab my hand. I stop walking, forcing him to stop, too. “Nathan, I love you,” I tell him, just needing him to hear it.

He looks confused for a minute before relaxing and smiling at me. “Haley, I love you, too. And I know you love me.”

“I know,” I shrug, “I just felt like saying it. Reminding you.”

He drops my hand, instead wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me close to him as we start walking inside. “You don’t have to remind me, baby. I feel it every minute of the day.”

When we get inside the club, it is still pretty quiet. Right now, it is only people associated with the team here, but that should change soon since the club only allowed itself to be rented out for a couple of hours. Didn’t want to lose business after that.

Nathan and I say hi to everyone, and then I wander over to talk to Melissa when he says he’s going to the bar. We’ve talked a couple of times since she dropped the stripper bombshell, but I think she still feels pretty bad about it.

“Haley, hi!” she says brightly, “Isn’t it nice to be out without kids for a change?”

“Yeah, it’s fun,” I agree, giving her a hug, “How’ve you been? I haven’t seen you in a few weeks.”

“Oh, I’ve been busy. We’re starting a new charity project, which you should help with, by the way. They’re actually really fun, usually. But I’ve been working on that, so I’ve missed the last couple of games.”

“What kind of project?” I ask, interested. Every season, I know that the team wives/girlfriends do a couple of projects for local charities.

“For the Seattle public libraries,” she explains, “We’re planning a series of events for this. Book drives, auctions, some other things we haven’t come up with yet.”

I laugh. “Well, I’d love to help out in any way I can,” I offer, thinking it sounds like a good idea, “I’m sure I could arrange some time to help with that.”

“Oh, that would be so great!” she enthuses, smiling widely at me.

“Yeah, it’d be nice to have something to work on that wasn’t, well, work,” I agree, “And I haven’t done any charity work since high school, so doing a good deed or two wouldn’t be a bad thing, either.”

We chat for a few more minutes until she leaves to go talk to some of the other women. Glancing around, I spot Nathan over by the bar ordering another drink. He’s joking loudly with some of the guys, so I find a table and take a seat. This night is definitely more for him than me, and it is nice to see him enjoy himself with his friends. I usually only see him interact with them on the court.

It is interesting to watch, and it surprises me how loud and obnoxious they all are, but it is easy to write that off as a guy thing. A pack thing, too, probably. He’s having fun, and that makes the obnoxiousness easier to take, anyway.

By the time 11:30 rolls and the club opens to the public, I’ve talked to everyone who was here, and I’m pretty much ready to go home. I haven’t seen Nathan in an hour, let alone had the chance to talk to him or spend any time with him. It’s disappointing, but I feel foolish for having even hoped it would be otherwise. I call the babysitter and let her know that we’re held up, and might be pretty late, which, as Nathan predicted, she was fine with.

At midnight, I still can’t find him, and that’s when I start getting irritated. I try not let myself get bothered by it, but I haven’t seen him since we got here, and we need to get home to relieve the sitter. I spot Melissa as I wander around looking for him.

”Melissa!” I call loudly, so she’ll hear me. She grins and waves me over. “Have you seen Nathan recently?”

“Um, yeah, actually, he was over near the bar about five minutes ago, but he’s been there most of the night. You might try there,” she suggests.

I force a smile as I walk off, headed for the bar. She was right, Nathan is there with one of the other young guys on the team, surrounded by groupies who came in when the place opened to the general public. I have half a mind to go over and drag him out of here, but that wouldn’t do either of us any good.

It doesn’t do me any good personally to do the alternative, though, which is stand by and hope he sees me and leaves of his own accord. It becomes painfully obvious after about ten minutes that he’s not even interested in looking for me. He doesn’t do anything inappropriate or even anything I’d consider embarrassing, of course, but it is clear that I’m not factoring in for him at all now.

And maybe this is just my problem, something that is just within me. Maybe I’m jealous, or maybe I have this raging need to be Nathan’s only focus. Maybe the fear that this is the truth, that I’m the problem, is what keeps me from confronting him, asking him why it seems like he’d rather be with anyone but me. Maybe I don’t want to know the answers.

I feel like a fool standing here, but I feel paralyzed and unable to move from this spot. Not even to leave. I honestly have no sense of how much time passes before he sees me and makes his way over to me.

“Hey, baby,” he grins, leaning down to kiss me.

I don’t complain when he pulls me in his arms, instead wrapping mine around him tightly in return. “Want to get out of here?” I ask softly.

He pulls back enough to see my face, and I can tell he wants to stay. He nods in agreement, though, taking me by the hand and guiding me out of the club. It takes another half hour just to leave, though, as I swear every single person we pass stops him to say goodbye. When we finally get outside, the cool arm soothes me some and when Nathan takes me in his arms, it soothes me even more.

“You okay?” he asks as we approach the car.

I nod, smiling my thanks when he opens the door for me. “I’m okay, Nathan. Just tired, I guess,” I shrug.

“Hey, don’t lie, Haley J, I know you way better than I even know myself. I know you better than you know you,” he grins, grabbing my seat belt and buckling it for me, letting his hand linger on my thigh, “So just tell me.”

“Are you okay to drive?” I ask abruptly, honestly concerned about how much he’s had to drink since he was holding up the bar all night, but not unappreciative of the opportunity to change the subject, either.

“Want me to stand on one foot and touch my finger to my nose?” he smiles, and the fact that he didn’t get angry with me for asking tells me he probably is okay, “Or I could recite the alphabet backwards.”

“Nathan, I’m being serious. I hate driving this hulking hunk of metal, but if it meant getting you home in one piece, you know I would.”

“I promise I’m fine, Haley J,” he assures, his hand wandering under the hem of my dress, “I will get you home in one piece. I’d never hurt you.”

“I know, Nathan,” I smile, sighing when his hand slides higher up my leg. He grins when I lean into his touch. “I just wanted to make sure. Better safe than sorry,” I gasp out as he slips his hand dangerously high up my leg.

“You like that,” he states, knowing that I do, “Maybe we should find someplace to park and break in that backseat.”

“Nathan!” I gasp, not at his suggestion but where his hand lands next, “We’ve got to go – “

He cuts off my words by pressing his lips to mine. “Don’t talk, Haley J, don’t rationalize, don’t worry about the babysitter. Just enjoy this, enjoy me, enjoy us.”

I’m about to give in, say yes, take me here in this parking lot decency laws be damned, when a loud group of people comes tearing through the parking lot. Nathan’s hand stills, and his forehead drops to rest against mine. “Damn,” I mutter, breathing heavily, “Let’s go home, Nathan, to our bed.”

“Thought you’d never ask,” he grins, reluctantly pulling away, “Let’s go.”

When he gets in and starts the car, I smile over at him. “Did you have fun tonight?” I ask, not sure why. I guess I want to hear what he’ll say about it.

He grins, “Yeah, I never really did this kind of thing in college, you know? I really did spend so much time working on my grades that I didn’t go out much and bask in being, well, known, I guess. It’s kind of fun.”

“You definitely had a lot of admirers tonight,” I acknowledge, trying to keep my voice light and free of jealousy, “You’re well-adored.”

“Jealous?” he asks with a smirk.

I roll my eyes at him. “No, because I trust you. And you don’t look at them the way you look at me.”

“But?”

“But what?”

“There was ‘but’ in there,” he points out as we pull onto the freeway, “You trust me, and you know that I don’t look at them like I do you, but….”

“But sometimes I wish they’d go away,” I admit, “Sometimes I really hate even the idea of you looking at those girls. I mean, I know you’d never do anything with them, but I still hate it.”

“I barely look at them,” he insists, “And it doesn’t matter, anyway. All I think of is you, all I want is you. There is nothing any of them could offer that would ever be enough. Ever.”

I nod, not knowing what to say.

“I mean it, Haley,” he says fervently, “I know I mess up sometimes, and I know it isn’t easy, the lifestyle we live. But God, it isn’t going to be like this forever. Basketball won’t last forever, no matter what, you know? We’ll get our time.”

The words are an empty comfort, warming the outside, but never quite reaching the inside. He says it like it will all be over tomorrow, but we both know that isn’t true.

“I’m not an ingrate,” I tell him, “I know that basketball has given us a damn good lifestyle. Like, a top 10 percentile lifestyle, and that’s amazing. But sometimes it feels like it costs even more than its worth.”

“Haley, I just said it wasn’t going to last forever,” he repeats gruffly, “Hell, this season has been such hell I’ll be lucky if they don’t cut me. The only good thing is that my new trainer is kicking my ass, and he’ll really get me into shape over the summer.”

“The summer?” I echo, dismayed, “You want to stay here this summer?”

He shrugs, “Not everyday, but yeah, I thought it’d be nice to spend more than a couple of weeks here this summer. I know you liked going to Tree Hill last summer, but we’re so settled here, and we’ve got all the toys for the lake. Wouldn’t you like to stay here, at our place?”

“Well, no, I mean, I don’t know. I miss our family, and it would be really nice to spend time with them. They barely know Mere, and she wouldn’t recognize any of them. I just don’t want that for her.”

“She is exposed to nice people here,” he argues, which actually surprises me. He’s not as close to his parents as he could be, but they’ve formed an understanding over the last few years. Even he and Dan have made a tentative peace. “If they want to see us, they could always come out here, right?”

“Nathan, they have jobs that don’t allow them to pick up and fly across the country,” I rationalize, “And Tree Hill is our home, where we come from. Don’t you want to visit?”

“I guess. But it is important to me to be here, and get stronger and get some of my playing time back, Haley. You can understand that, right? Wanting to succeed and be good at your job?”

“Of course I understand that,” I snap, “And I commend it. But it shouldn’t come at the expense of your family and our plans.”

“Those weren’t my plans,” he sighs, “They were yours. And maybe they worked last summer, but look where that got me! On the bench! I don’t want to be on the bench, Haley J! I want to be in the game, every game contributing and helping my team!”

“Yeah,” I sigh, shaking my head, “I get that.” And I get that his priorities are very different from mine, at least at this point in time. “I just want to be with you.”

“Then we’ll be together here,” he grins, “Just you, me, and Merry. Less basketball, way less basketball, and just us, here together and having fun.”

“We don’t have to decide now,” I say, ready to drop this subject, “Maybe we can compromise somehow. I just – I don’t want to say that we are definitely not going home.”

We’re pulling in the driveway now, and he looks over at me, clearly angry. “And there’s the goddamn problem. You can’t even deign to think of this place as home! Maybe if you did that, you wouldn’t be so fucking eager to run back to Tree Hill!”

I watch as he cuts the engine off, his normally graceful movements jerky with anger. He throws his door open and jumps out, slamming with as much force as he can before stomping off for the house. I stay here, trying to collect myself. I watch the house as Mere’s sitter leaves, and I slump in my seat so she doesn’t see and approach me.

When I manage to compose myself, I get out of the car and slowly walk into the house. Nathan is sitting there, on my bean bag chair looking contrite.

“Don’t even say anything,” I warn him, “I’m not having this fight tonight.”

“Why does it have to be a fight?” he asks loudly, “What the hell is there to fight about here? Our home is here, in Seattle! You knew that coming in! And we’ve built a life here, and God, I guess all of a sudden, you’re just miserably unhappy with it! Sorry I didn’t see that coming and jump to fix it.”

“Oh, shut up,” I growl, “I’m not miserably unhappy here with you. and I’ve told you that before. I’m miserable unhappy because I’m here and you almost never are! Do you know what that’s like for me? To be here, in a place where my friends and family aren’t, and know that I might have to go weeks without seeing you? God, Nathan, I would do it again, I would move here for you without a second thought. But I can’t do this. I can’t have this fight over and over again. And I didn’t sign up to be here keeping house for you while you spend all your time basking in the glow of groupies, going to strip clubs, and working out at the gym!”

I’m exhausted by the end of that rant; all the energy just drains from my body, and I literally feel like I can’t stand anymore. I manage to stay upright, though, which actually gives me some measure of strength.

“What do you want me to do?” he yells, “Stay home with you all the time and hold your hand? You’re a big girl, Haley, and like you’ve proven before, you don’t really need me to get by!”

“I can’t believe you would throw that in my face, Nathan! Yeah, I made the biggest mistake of my life when I pushed you out of it, and I am painfully aware every day that all that time was time I lost with you. And you have no right to taunt me with that now!”

“Yeah, that was taunting,” he sneers, “Really calling you out, huh? You can’t take me even mentioning that you’re the queen of shutting people out? Don’t you like being called out on your hypocrisy, Haley?”

“You know what, Nathan, I’m done with this argument tonight. I’m tired, and nothing about this went as I hoped tonight and now I’m going to bed. You – you can do whatever you want.”

“Don’t walk away!” he yells as I push away from the wall I was leaning against, “Do you think that will solve anything?”

I spin around, hot with anger. “No, I don’t! But standing here screaming at each other isn’t solving anything either! And I’m not any closer to understanding why you’re never here and why you’d rather spend all your time at a gym than with me!”

“Fine!” he yells, his voice continually getting louder, as is mine, “Just run away and hide again, I don’t even know if I can bother to care!”

“That’s fantastic, Nathan, really great. Why don’t I stand here instead so you can belittle my concerns and my feelings and my needs? That’s a better idea, isn’t it?”

Meredith cries then, and I’m sure that my expression mirrors the mixture of horror and guilt written over Nathan’s. “Oh, my God,” he breathes, standing up.

“Mere,” I whisper, not resisting when Nathan grabs my hand and walks with me down the hall to her room.

She’s standing up in her crib, holding onto the bars like she’s in a tiny little toddler jail, wailing her head off. The second she sees us, she stops crying and holds out chubby little arms. Still holding hands, Nathan and I move to her together.

“Oh, sweets,” I whisper as I lift her out. Once she’s in my arms, I hold her close, murmuring soothingly nonsensical words and rubbing her back. Nathan wraps his arms around me, holding both Mere and I to him.

“Hey, Merry, did we wake you up?” he asks her quietly. She lifts her head off my shoulder and smiles at him, showing off her little teeth. “We’re sorry, princess.”

“Yeah, we are,” I agree, sadness settling in.

“Come on,” Nathan whispers, the warmth leaving with his body when he pulls away from me, “Let’s go out in the living room and sit in that chair you love so much, all three of us.”

Tears fall freely down my cheeks now, and I nod and allow him to guide me out there. Once we’re settled in, Mere falls asleep pretty quickly, and Nathan and I remain in place, each of us with a hand on her back.

“That was bad, Haley J,” he says in a quiet voice, “I’m really sorry I was such a jerk.”

“I’m sorry, too. I just – I love you, and I’m horrible and probably expect too much,” I tell him, “And I miss you. And this is what happens when I miss you. I get irrational.”

He tightens the arm that is around me, pulling me to him so he can brush a kiss to my temple. “We’ll be okay, right?”

“Yeah, oh, Nathan, yeah. How could we not be?”

“I really hate seeing you so unhappy, you know?” I nod. “But I don’t know how to fix it. I want to give you everything you want, but basketball – it’s the one thing that I’m really good at. It’s important to me.”

I rest my head on his chest. “I know it is, and I respect that, even when it seems like I don’t.”

“Yeah, I know you do.”

“We’ll be okay, Nathan,” I assure him again, “Because I’d never, ever give up on us. I couldn’t. We both know how well that worked when I tried.”

He laughs softly. “That worked out poorly for both of us. I hated being apart from you.”

“And I hated being away from you.” I sigh a little. “And I hate being away from you now. I’m sorry I keep freaking out on you.”

“No, don’t be,” he counters, “I’m a jerk. I – I know I should be here whenever I can, it’s just that – “

“Yeah, I know, basketball,” I nod, cutting him off before he can again pontificate on the wondrous charms of professional basketball.

“It’s not just basketball,” he sighs, and I can practically feel him deflate, “Basketball is – I’m not good at a lot of things. Honestly, I’m not. But basketball, it was always easy for me, and it isn’t so easy anymore. That freaks me out, and I want it back. I want to be good again, I want to show Dan and Luke that I made the right decision, that this was right.”

I don’t know what to say to that. I mean, I know exactly where he is coming from. Even after all this time, Dan’s relationship with Luke is still a bit of sore spot for him, which is compounded by the guilt he feels for not supporting it fully. But on the selfish side of things, I hate that he isn’t doing this, putting us through this, for himself. He’s doing it to prove to them that he can.

Finally, I settle for assuring him that he’s not only good at basketball. “You have so many talents, Nathan. Basketball is just the one you choose to show off.”

“You know what my best talent is?”

“What’s that?” I ask around a yawn.

“Loving you two. It’s the easiest thing in the world for me to do day in and day out.”

For me, too. So why is everything so damn hard?

~*~

~*~Early June, 2013~*~

“When are you guys coming to visit?”

“I don’t know, Karen, I’m hoping Nathan will want to head out there as soon as the season ends. And even if he doesn’t, I’ll probably just end up taking Mere out there,” I sigh.

“What’s going on? You sound upset,” she asks astutely, “And don’t tell me nothing, I know you way better than that.”

“Honestly, Karen, I don’t know. There’s something going on with Nathan, but it isn’t like he talks to me or anything, so I have no clue.”

She pauses a minute before responding. “Have you tried talking to him?”

“Of course! God, I’ve tried tons of times, and I either chicken out before I push him too far where he actually tells me something or he brushes me. Or worse, we just ignore it. I don’t know what to do, Karen. It’s just – it’s really wearing on me, you know?”

“I can tell, honey,” she says softly, “Do you want to talk more about this? Because if you don’t, I won’t push you yet.”

I don’t know if I want to talk about this, but I need to. For my own sanity if nothing else. “He’s just never here anymore, Kare, even when he could be. It’s like, he has very little interest in just being with Mere and me, and I don’t know how to change that.”

“What does he say about all this?”

I sigh, running my free hand over my face. “He says that I’m overreacting, that it’s nothing. My imagination, or something.”

“But you don’t think it is,” she states rather than asks, “Haley, is there more going on that you’re not telling me?”

“I don’t know,” I say carefully, “Sometimes I think there is, yeah, but since I don’t know, what am I supposed to do about it?”

She pauses again. “What do you think the problem is?”

I shake my head, not really inclined to voice my fears, but still willing to talk through them with Karen if it might help me find an answer. “Honestly, sometimes I think he’s pulling away from me. Everything seems to revolve around basketball. He’s either at the gym or out with his teammates. And I try not to mind that or resent it, but sometimes, I just get so frustrated that basketball is more important to him than me and Mere.”

“Honey, I’ve known Nathan pretty well for awhile now, and I’ve never known anything to be near as important to him as you are. And as Meredith now is.”

Oh, how I want to believe that. “I know he loves us, Karen, but right now….I’m scared,” I admit, my voice faltering, “I’m just scared that I’m not as important to him as I thought I was, and if I’m not, then what does that mean?”

“Listen, you might not want to hear this, but it sounds to me, unless you give me specific examples, that maybe you’re being a tad overdramatic.”

I haven’t told Karen much of what’s going on. In fact, no one back home really knows what is going on. Brooke knows the most, but I haven’t even told her too much. But now Karen is basically asking, basically giving me the chance to tell her what’s going on, why I’m so worried, and I’d be stupid not to take the chance she’s offering.

“He’s breaking promises,” I finally after another minute of quiet on the line, “The worst one, to me, was Mere’s birthday party. We picked a day when he was in town with no games so that he could be here for it, and he insisted on having a clown and inviting the children of his teammates.”

“Okay,” she says slowly, waiting for me to continue.

“He didn’t show, Karen,” I relate, anger returning at the thought of that day, “He was at a strip club with some of the guys on the team. One of their wives thought I knew, and told me. He came home at 3 AM that night, drunk off his ass.”

“Oh, my,” she whispers, and I can hear the dismay in her voice, “Why didn’t you tell me this sooner, honey?”

“Oh, Karen, I was so embarrassed! And then we made up right away, so I let it go,” I shrug, “But we never talked about it when he was sober, and things like that keep happening now.”

“Are you saying you don’t trust him?” she asks, sounding surprised.

“No, I do trust him. I mean, I don’t think he’s cheating or anything. He wouldn’t do that to me, and he wouldn’t do that to Mere.” And I really believe he wouldn’t do that, particularly. “But I guess I just don’t want him to shut me out and push me away, which is what I feel like he’s doing now. I don’t want to be his whole world, but right now, I don’t even feel like a part of it.”

“Ah, honey,” she sighs in sympathy, “It’ll be okay. It really sounds to me that you just need to communicate a little better with him, which I know can be hard with Scott men sometimes.”

I laugh at that. “Sometimes?”

“Okay, most of the time,” she admits, laughing, too. “But really, Haley, talk with him. I think you’ll feel a lot better if you do.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much guaranteed to start a fight,” I sigh, “And I don’t want to fight with him, Kare. I really don’t want to fight with him.”

“Hon, sometimes you have to fight, there is no avoiding it. You know that Keith and I fight sometimes. Bad ones, even, once in awhile. But they don’t end the world.”

“He told me that I’m not willing to fight for us the night of Mere’s party. I don’t think he gets that I’ll fight for us with everything in me, but I don’t want to fight him. Does that make sense?”

“Of course it does,” she agrees, and I can hear the smile in her voice, “But sometimes there isn’t a difference between the two. That’s what you have to realize.”

“Why can’t it just be easy?” I mutter.

“Because nothing that’s worth it ever is,” she tells me, her tone motherly, “And I know you think Nathan is worth it.”

“Yeah, he is, I know that,” I agree with a sigh, “But I still wish it were a little easier.” After a brief pause I ask what I’ve been afraid to think, let alone say. “What if he regrets it? Me, I mean. Maybe we rushed into things, and now he realizes that I’m not what he wants for the rest of his life.”

“Do you believe that? That he regrets it, I mean?”

“No, I don’t. That’s the worst part, I know he loves me. But I’m still second or third best in his life, you know?”

“You don’t give yourself, or him, enough credit.”

“Come on, Karen. He’s done with basketball for the season, and most of his teammates are off God knows where on vacations. And where is Nathan, right this second? He’s at the gym. He’s been at the gym since 9 AM, which I’m sure I don’t need to tell you was four hours ago!”

She sighs, and I teeter on the brink of tears. Again. I am so sick of crying over this. Before she can answer, the call waiting cuts in. “Shoot, Karen, I’ve got another call. It might be work,” I sigh.

“Okay, honey, you call me soon, and we’ll try and sort through this, okay?”

“Yeah, I will,” I promise, “And thank you, so much, for just listening to me. I really needed that right now.”

“Any time, Haley. I love you.”

“Love you, too,” I tell her before I switch over to the other line. “Haley James.”

“Ms. James? My name is John, I work at the gym that your, uh, boyfriend comes to.”

“Oh, hello,” I respond absently, thinking of some sketches I need to complete before a client meeting tomorrow, “How can I help you?”

“Look, ma’am, I’m really sorry to tell you this, but Nathan collapsed at the gym today. He was taken to Harborview by ambulance.”

I stop breathing. “What happened?” I choke out, my voice little more than a squeak.

“He collapsed, was having trouble breathing. You were listed as his emergency contact person, so I figured you’d want to know. And that he’d want you to know, too.”

“Yeah, yeah, thanks,” I mutter, trying to figure out what to do, if I should find a sitter for Mere or take her with me. “Harborview, you said, right?”

“Yeah, Harborview.”

“Thanks for calling me,” I choke out, my entire body shaking with fear. “God damn it,” I mutter aloud, running to grab my purse and hurriedly put together a bag of stuff for Mere.

When I have a few things together, I grab Mere out of her crib where she was and take her out to my car, putting her in her car seat. “Mama?” she asks softly, confused. She doesn’t get awakened very often.

“It’s okay, baby, we’re just going on a little trip,” I soothe her before running around to get in the driver’s seat. “We’re just going on a little trip to see your daddy. And make sure he’s okay,” I whisper under my breath, terrified of what’s going on here.

Oh, God, I should call Luke. And Dan, and then Deb. But I can’t call them yet, what if it’s nothing? I wouldn’t want to freak them out for nothing. No, it’s better to wait and see what’s going on before running around whipping up everyone into a frenzied panic.

It is the middle of the day, so the drive into downtown is relatively quiet and we get there quickly. I park on the street and grab Mere and the bags and run in the emergency entrance. Mere looks around with wide eyes while I try and find someone who can give me information on where Nathan is.

“Excuse me,” I say loudly at the nurses station, “Could you help me, please? My boyfriend was brought here a little while ago.”

“What’s his name, dear?”

“Nathan, Nathan Scott. He was working out at the gym, and I guess he collapsed suddenly,” I whisper, near tears again.

She nods briskly, “Okay, ma’am, let me see if I can find out where he is for you. Just take a seat over there.”

I do as I’m told, and sit, Mere on my lap struggling to be let down. “No, Mere, you’ve got to stay with me right now, sweets.”

“Down, Mama!” she orders, “Down!”

“Mere, no. Stop it,” I scold gently, “Come on, you can cuddle with me.” She settles down after a moment, and relaxes back against me. I guess it is good that one of us can relax. I sing to her softly, hoping to distract both of us. The last thing I need is to break down in tears right now in front of her.

“You’re here for Mr. Scott?” a middle-aged man in scrubs asks awhile later. I nod, standing up with Mere. “I’m Dr. Battle, and I’ve been in with him.”

“Nice to meet you,” I offer softly, “I’m Haley James, Nathan’s girlfriend.”

“Ms. James, Nathan collapsed this afternoon due to severe dehydration.” He pauses, glancing around. It isn’t crowded out here, but there are a few people milling around, so I’m surprised by what he requests. “Let’s take this into Mr. Scott’s room. Considering his job, I think that would be a good idea.”

I agree, just wanting to know what’s going on with him and whether or not he’s okay. The sooner I can see him, the better. When we get to his room, the doctor closes the door behind us. He looks so still and pale lying in that bed that I’m afraid to go to him and disturb him. He has an oxygen tube up his nose as well as an IV drip.

“He’s unconscious right now,” Dr. Battle informs me, “He might be for awhile, too.”

I glance up at him, confused. “He’s just dehydrated then?”

“No, I don’t believe so. In fact, this is why I wanted to talk to you alone, away from any overhearing ears.” I nod, although I have no clue what he is talking about. “Ms. James, does Nathan have a history of drug abuse?”

“What? No, of course not, Nathan would never do that!” I deny hotly, my grip on Mere tightening slightly. “Not only has Nathan always been clean, but this is our daughter! He’d never expose her to that!”

The doctor sighs. “Ms. James, I know this is an unpleasant line of questioning, but I really need you to be honest with me, if only for Mr. Scott’s sake.” I blink in surprise, but nod my acquiescence. “Now, you are sure that he’s never abused any type of drugs. Steroids, alcohol, marijuana, speed, anything, I need to know it.”

“What the hell is going on here?” I ask, uncomfortable with this. I set Mere down now since there is nowhere she can go in here. “If there is something I should know, then please, just tell me.”

“Early signs point to drug abuse,” the doctor sighs, “Now, I haven’t got the tox screen back to verify or to know what drugs we should be treating him for, which is why I need you to be forthright with me. If he’s ever abused anything, I need to know so that we can treat him correctly.”

“Oh, my God,” I breathe, remembering a long ago collapse, “Oh, my God.”

“Really, Ms. James, if you have information for me, then I need to know it immediately. It is imperative.”

“When he was sixteen, for an extremely brief period of time, he did take speed, I think. It was a pretty similar situation to this,” I tell him, trying not to cry. God, if he’s pushed himself into this place where he is taking drugs to improve his basketball, how the hell could I not have noticed? “He never used it again, though, not that I was aware of. And I would’ve known, unless it was pretty recent.”

The doctor nods. “Okay, from just the time I’ve spent with him today, it looks like he’s been using again. For how long, I don’t know. There are also indications that he is using some sort of performance enhancing steroid. We won’t know exactly until the tox screen comes back or he wakes up.”

“He – he will wake up, right?” I stammer out.

“Absolutely. I don’t know how long it will take – if he hasn’t been sleeping well, which is probable if he is indeed on a stimulant like speed, then he could sleep for some time now. Or he could surprise us and wake up in five minutes.”

“Is he going to have to be admitted?” I ask, figuring they won’t keep us in the ER forever, even though I know Nathan will hate to wake up and find out he’s been admitted to the hospital.

“Yes, at the very least I’d like to keep him overnight for observation. If the toxicology screen comes back positive, we will want to run further tests to check for possible damage to his heart.” I bite my lip at this, unsure what to do. “Ms. James, that is just a precautionary thing. He is a young and healthy man, and it doesn’t sound like there is an extensive history of abuse.”

“There – there is a heart condition that runs in the family. Oh, God, I can’t remember the name of it. But it is congenital; his father has it. Nathan was tested, and didn’t have it. Can this affect that?”

“Oh, no, this won’t change something like that. Ma’am, more than likely, he is going to be fine in terms of his health.”

I nod, knowing that his unspoken words hint that other things won’t be so fine, but I’m not worried about those now. I’m just worried about Nathan waking up so I can see those blue eyes of his and know for sure that he is going to be okay.

“Thank you for the information,” I say weakly, keeping one eye on Nathan as he lies there so pale and the other on Mere as she sits on the floor and flips through her book. She glances up at me occasionally, probably to make sure I’m still there.

“You’re welcome. Now, I’m going to go check on the status of our tox screen. I know you’ll feel better when you have more information.” I nod at this. “And I’ll also get the paperwork in place to get him admitted and upstairs to a more comfortable room.”

“Thank you,” I murmur again, watching as he departs. Once he steps out of the room, I’m hit with the overwhelming urge to just breakdown and cry. Right now, though, I can’t. Not in front of Mere, but also not in front of Nathan.

I grab the chair that is near his bedside and pull it closer, dropping myself into it. Taking his hand, I gulp in several deep breaths trying to compose myself.

“Nathan,” I whisper, “Please wake up. I need you to wake up now, and talk to me. This isn’t – this isn’t good, I need you to wake up and promise me that you aren’t messing around with something that you shouldn’t be. I love you, and I’ll help you with anything, but I need to know that you wouldn’t do that to me, that you wouldn’t expose Mere to that.”

God, I’m doing this all wrong. This is about him, not me. He doesn’t need me berating him right now, he needs me to support him and promise that I’ll make things okay. But I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t even know where to start right now. Instead of talking, I settle for sitting by his bed holding his hand and leaning up to kiss his forehead and cheeks every once in awhile.

It doesn’t take long before people come in to move him up to the promised upstairs room. Dr. Battle comes in again, and promises he will be in as soon as he gets the tox report to discuss the results and treatment options with me. I nod, gathering up Mere and her things silently so that we can follow behind the gurney taking Nathan to his room.

“Daddy!” Mere squeals when I pick her up and she can actually see him. She holds her arms out for him, looking confused when he doesn’t respond in any way. The urge to cry is now even more overwhelming that it was a few minutes ago.

“We can send in a crib for you, if you’d like,” one of the nurses offers, “That might make it easier on you. I know how inquisitive children that age can be.”

“Thank you, I’d appreciate that,” I agree, “She’s probably about due for a nap, too, since I woke her up to come here.”

Once he’s settled in his new room, they let Mere and I step back in there. A crib has been set up in the corner, where I deposit Mere. She’s fine once I hand her some of the toys I’d shoved in her diaper bag. She’s even cooing at me when I give her a bottle of juice.

When she’s quiet and laying back with her juice, I move over to sit by Nathan’s side. “Oh, Nathan,” I whisper, grabbing his hand in mine, “Wake up. Please.”

He doesn’t, of course, so I curl up in the chair that has been place beside his bed. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I let myself cry out all the fear and anxiety I have right now. I keep his hand in mine, jerking back to attention when he squeezes my hand.

“Nathan?” I ask, wiping my tears away.

“Haley J?” he responds, his voice scratchy, “Where am I?”

“Oh, God, hang on, Nathan, I’m going to go get the doctor and let him know you woke up. You’re in the hospital.”

“No, no doctor, just you.”

“Nathan, no way, the doctor needs to see you and examine you. Make sure you’re alright. I’ll be right back.”

Before he can protest again, I run out to the nurses station and let them know he’s awake. They promise to send Dr. Battle in immediately. I thank them and hurry back to his room.

“The doctor will be in in a minute,” I tell him softly as I resume my perch by his bed, “God, I’m so glad to see you awake.”

“Are you mad at me?” he asks, his eyes closed.

“Should I be?” I counter, watching his face to see his reaction.

“Yeah, probably,” he admits.

“Why?” The word comes out whisper quiet, but there is no mistaking that I want to know the answer.

“I was taking speed again, Haley J,” he tells me, “And I’ve been getting steroids injections. It – it wasn’t supposed to affect me, not like this.” When I remain silent, he opens his eyes and looks at me. “Say something, Haley.”

“What do you want me to say, Nathan? I can’t absolve you, or tell you this is okay. I can’t pretend like it didn’t happen. Jesus, Nathan! We have a two year old daughter living in our house, and you – you – I can’t believe this.”

“I know,” he cries out, “I know that! And it kills me that I did that, brought that shit into our house where the two of you are!”

I nod. “Well, you still did, Nathan. And maybe it isn’t heroin or crack cocaine, but she didn’t need to be exposed to it.” I pause for a minute, debating what to say. “I told the doctor about the time you collapsed in high school. He said he needed to know if you had a history of drug abuse so he could better diagnose you this time.”

“Yeah, okay,” he sighs, “Of course.” He glances over at me, probably trying to gauge how angry I am. “You haven’t called anyone yet, have you?”

“Our family, you mean?” He nods. “No, I haven’t. I didn’t want to alarm anyone until I knew more, and then when I found out what probably happened, I figured that was something you should tell them.”

“I’m sorry, Haley, it’ll never happen again,” he promises, “I just – it was bad judgment, I was trying to improve my playing time next season. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sick of that excuse,” I complain bitterly, “When I called you on spending all your time away from home, you said it was because of improving your basketball. When you decided you didn’t want to go to Tree Hill, it was for the same reason. I’m so sick of that excuse, Nathan!”

“I know, I know you are, and I shouldn’t use it! But it’s the truth, and it is all I can tell you. The only explanation I have to offer!”

“How long? How long has this been going on?”

“Since September,” he sighs, his free hand coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Since fucking September.”

“My God,” I breathe, “How could I not have known?”

The doctor comes in as he’s about to respond. “Mr. Scott, glad to see you’re awake,” he greets Nathan. Glancing over at me, “Ms. James, if you wouldn’t mind taking your daughter out of the room, I need to check on the patient. If you’d give me at least twenty minutes, we should be done by then.”

“Yeah, of course,” I agree, dropping Nathan’s hand that I was still holding, “Meredith probably needs to eat now anyway.”

“Haley J? Can I see Mere for a second?” he asks as I move to pick her up from the crib. I take her over to him, and he lifts a hand up brushing it against her cheek. “Hey Mere Bear,” he smiles at her. She holds her arms out to him, and I lower her down so that she can give him a hug. “Thanks,” he tells me when I lift her back up. I nod and wordlessly leave the room.

We walk outside since I’m figuring it would be good for both of us to get some fresh air. There is of course a coffee shop just down the street, so I walk her over there, letting her get down and walk along slowly holding my hand. I drink a latte and pick at the fruit and scone I got for her while she pays most of her attention to the lukewarm hot chocolate they put in her sippy cup for me.

Watching her, all I can think about is what could’ve happened with her in the same house as someone on drugs. God, for all I know, there are actually drugs in the house. In fact, how couldn’t there be? And it makes me so angry, so fucking angry at him that he would expose our daughter to this. That he would put me through this. And I know – I can’t stay here with him and enable this type of behavior, and I can’t stay here and expose our daughter to it, either.

I have to leave, and I have to take Mere with me.

It’ll hurt him, probably worse than anything else I’ve ever done to him. At this point, there are no other options for me. I know he needs my support, and he’s got it, one hundred percent, but I have to make the right decisions for Meredith now. And the only ‘right’ in this with regards to her is get her away from it. Don’t let her be exposed to whatever happens next.

I love Nathan, so much that it hurts. And right now, it is downright killing me, and leaving will only make things that much worse. Staying, though, that wouldn’t do anyone any good. Maybe tough love will do the trick for him. He’s going to freak out, though, when I tell him. I know he is. And maybe he has that right. But I can’t change my mind, not even for him. Not this time, not when it affects Meredith. If it was just me, I’d stay forever with him if I thought I could help. But I don’t think I can help him and take care of and protect her the way I should, and she just has to come first.

The decision made, I hold Mere, breathing in her baby scent. “Ah, sweets, your daddy is going to be so mad at me.” It brings tears to my eyes and a feeling of dread to the pit of my stomach when I imagine his reaction to this. “I have to do this, though. We need him to make this effort and prove that he won’t mess up like this again.”

With that, I prepare to do the hardest thing I hope I’ll ever have to do.

Chapter 2

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